Trash Polka - 12. Chapter 12

I would never see Alec as an inconvenience. If he needed me, I’d drop everything to be there. That was how we’d always been and I didn’t see it changing any time soon. I loved him. He was a brother to me. All that aside, he’d thrown my carefully made plans into disarray and now I felt like I might be sick. I’d scheduled today down to the hour. I’d work, leave early, and then start getting ready. I’d given myself three hours to do so to combat the anxiety spiral I knew I’d descend into. I’d even given myself time to handle a tiny mental breakdown if the “look” wasn’t coming together.

There’d been plenty of occasions where I couldn’t get my appearance right and it destroyed all my self-confidence and left me in a heap on the floor. Normally surrounded by all my failed attempts at outfits. When I’d been younger, it’d sparked anger. Rage really. White-hot and uncontrollable. I used to throw things, hit stuff. I couldn’t count how many times I’d ruined something important to me because I’d thrown a hissy fit. Ruining your belongings hit a lot harder when you were dirt poor. I’d done a lot of work on my anger, but I still hadn’t solved the curtain of self-loathing that descended when I wasn’t able to make things come together. When I couldn’t complete the image I’d created in my mind.

I knew myself and I knew how nervous I already was about this meeting. So, like the well-adjusted adult that I was, I blocked my time out in a way to account for every insecurity and character flaw I could think of. Unfortunately, I hadn’t planned on Alec having his own breakdown. When I’d reached his home, I’d clocked the mail overflowing from his mailbox first. The shades pulled on all his windows, second. I had to push the button on his little doorbell twice before I heard the click of the front door unlocking.

It was dark inside, and I had to turn my phone flashlight on to pick my way around the house. I didn’t know where he was and Alec’s house was huge. It was too big for one person, but I think it’d been a subconscious middle finger raised to his parents. Even if they’d never seen it. It was his “I’ve made it” purchase.

It had five bedrooms, four bathrooms, a huge kitchen that Alec barely used, and a TV that nearly covered an entire wall. Alec had worked hard and the house was the crown jewel in his collection. Or thats's what it seemed like from the outside. In reality it was a prison disguised as a dream home. A gilded cage Alec had bought for himself. I’d watched it happen very slowly. While my house was my safe haven, Alec’s never seemed to bring him joy or safety. He’d filled the space with overpriced furniture and a heavy, dark feeling that hurt my heart every time I had to be there for extended periods of time.

“Alec?”

There was no answer and I ran fingers through my hair. If this turned out to be critical condition, there was a chance meeting Kenji wouldn’t happen at all. There wasn’t a world where casual sex would mean more to me than Alec did. I toed my boots off by the front door and started my search in the kitchen and then living room. Followed by the first bathroom he used for guests. Continuing through the house, I heard a quiet rustling. It sounded like it was coming from Alec’s office, which made sense now that I thought about it.

“Alec?”

There was a groan and I pushed open the office door, cringing a bit. There were various takeout containers and the unmistakable scent of body odor. My cringing got worse. I thought he’d been doing well recently. Sure, his anxiety and depression never went away, but he’d been managing it with therapy and meds. Now, though, I wasn’t sure he was as successful as I thought. He’d had his medication changed, that was huge and I needed to keep it in mind. Messing with your brain chemicals and what not could have devastating consequences even if it was closely monitored by doctors.

“Hey man.” I said softly as my eyes locked on the mass of blankets in the office chair.

He didn’t turn to face me, “I’m disgusting and embarrassed.”

“Well, friend, that’s how I am half the time.” I chuckled and my smile dropped a little when I really looked at him.

He wasn’t wrong. The hair that stuck out from his blanket was stringy and greasy. His skin looked oily and there were dark bags under his eyes. I glanced at the computer screen. There were emails thanking him for his, “Attention to detail and quick turnaround time!” I grimaced and wondered when he’d last slept. Hell, I wondered when he’d left the office. From the state of it, it had been a while. There were pop bottles and energy drink cans littered over his desk and the floor.

“Alright, first things first, take a fucking shower. You smell horrible.”

He looked up at me and I superglued the smile to my face as my worry for him started to grow. His eyes were bloodshot and overall, he painted a sad image. Alec shifted out of the blanket and my nose scrunched at the assault on my senses as he stood.

“Yeah, I should have done that before you got here.” I only smiled encouragingly.

He padded away and I sighed. I left the office to grab a garbage bag from the kitchen. At least he didn’t cook so it wasn’t outwardly a disaster, but I bet the fridge held untold nightmares. I’d address that later. Returning to the office, I thought I could hear the water start up for the shower and I sighed in relief. At least he wasn’t completely checked out. I set to work. Throwing away every bottle, can, and takeout container. Once I was finished, it revealed orange bottles with Alec’s name on them. I studied each one. I’d been anti-medication for most of my adult life, so I couldn’t make out the names of the meds. I didn’t have a working knowledge on what made a dosage high either. I did know there were a lot but I couldn’t remember if it was a lot for Alec or if this was the norm.

It wasn’t my place to judge anyway. I set them upright on the desk for now. Taking the garbage bag back through the house I left it in the garage that was attached and found a container of disinfectant wipes. I cleaned every surface that I thought Alec might’ve touched and threw them in the wastebasket before taking that bag to the garage as well. Then I wandered down the hall. I could hear the shower now. He was in the ensuite off his bedroom. I didn’t know when he’d last slept in the bed, but figured he needed a fresh start everywhere.

I changed the sheets and started the washing machine. Then I turned down one side of the covers on the bed before cracking open the bathroom door, “Alec?”

“Yeah?” Came the muffled reply.

“When did you last eat?”

“I got Thai last night.”

“Alright. I’ll order you something.”

“I’m not super hungry.” His voice was clearer now as he’d shut the water off.

“Then I guess you’ll have leftovers.” I left the room with my new mission but didn’t stray too far down the hallway. I heard movement in Alec’s bedroom as I ordered some food. Something light and fresh to combat the near oppressive atmosphere around us.

His door opened and he waved sheepishly at me, “I called my doctor earlier. I have an appointment on Monday.”

“Good.”

“Thanks for changing the sheets. Are you staying to eat?” He asked as he emerged fully from the bedroom. He was in soft-looking pajama pants and a tank top.

“Do you need me to?” I asked, sapping my voice of hopefully any emotion. I couldn’t let him know I didn’t want to stay. I didn’t want him to feel like a burden any more than he probably already did.

“No, I think I just need to sleep. Maybe eat a little. You’ve already done more than enough coming here.”

“Well I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

To my surprise, I didn’t end up staying long at Alec’s. Dramatics aside, I think he’d just needed someone to force him back on track. After some takeout, he got into bed and I was free to go. With the promise that he’d call me if he needed anything. There wasn’t much I could really do to be fair. His doctors would need to figure out his medication. It looked like he had finished whatever he’d been working on too. All I could have been was moral support and there wasn’t much support needed when you were unconscious.

Which left me plenty of time to have my own mini breakdown about how I now had roughly an hour to make myself presentable. I dropped down in front of my mirror, eyeing my wild hair and sighing deeply. It was a mess. Naturally and from me running my fingers through it. I turned my straightener on and then scrubbed my hands down my face. I could feel the anxiety mounting, but I refused to give into it completely. What good would it do me? Then I’d be freaked out and I’d still have to pull myself together.

I had some choices in mind for outfits and I’d narrow it down as I tamed my ridiculous hair. Perhaps, I should keep things a little more casual tonight? Or maybe it’d be best to just go all out and use the clothing as another way to mask my nerves. I hummed softly as I dragged my straightener slowly through my hair, glaring at a piece that refused to bend to my will. It took longer than I wanted and as I ran gel through it to tame the pieces that still refused to cooperate, I felt my breathing pick up.

I let my head fall back, resting my hands in my lap as I fought off the wave of stress that was threatening to overtake me. I really did not have time for this. It was a vicious cycle. I was stressing over not having enough time, and that made me stress over stressing. All of this was eating up what time I had and making me crazier. It really was ridiculous.

Clearing my throat, I dabbed some eyeshadow that shifted from red to yellow to orange in the light on the outer corner of my eye. Then I moved to consider outfits. By now, I’d eaten up an entire half hour of time and I felt the clock ticking as if it resided in my chest. I tried on a few different shirts and several pairs of pants before I had to stare up at the ceiling and ponder what life choices had brought me to this moment. Why was it so hard to function normally? It seemed rather unfair that I ended up with a brain that’s function could be described-at best-as subpar. Sighing, I dragged on simple black slacks and my oversized suit jacket. Perfectly respectable from the front even though I wore nothing underneath. The fun happened when you saw me from behind. The jacket crisscrossed at the shoulders, leaving my entire back bare. There were staggered chains hanging from shoulder to shoulder that draped over my bare skin and the all black outfit would contrast beautifully with my pink hair.

It would do.

I can’t say it was the best outfit I’d ever put together, but I looked hot and my confidence had already jumped up a few pegs. I shot myself a smile in the mirror and let out yet another sigh when it came off uneasy. That would never do. Some rings and a silver necklace that matched the back of my suit jacket came next. Then some chunky “creeper” shoes that were black and white.

I needed to leave, but I could spare a few seconds to force myself to calm down. I smoothed my palms over my thighs and let my eyes slip closed. Methodically, I shoveled all the negative, spirally thoughts to the back of my brain. Everything would go fine. If for some reason it didn’t, the world wasn’t going to end. I’d survive if our banter and chemistry only worked over texts and didn't translate to the real world. As if summoned, my phone vibrated and a message from Kenji popped up.

[K: I should be a bit early. Just give them your name and they’ll escort you.]

[R: How fancy.]

I stood slowly, tapping away on my phone to order a rideshare and gave myself one more glance in the mirror. I was too in my head. I looked good. I was going to a fancy bar. Chances were that if things went sideways, I would still be able to find some company if I wanted it. Win-win.

For some reason, I thought that I may still have trouble getting into Xi once I arrived. Nope. I didn’t even have a chance to get nervous again. As soon as one of the bouncers saw me, they plucked me out of the line and I was being guided through the club. The stairs were lit on either side and cycled through the colors of the rainbow. As we reached the top, I glanced below me. Some of the people dancing sent us curious glances but otherwise most ignored us. I could see where Auggie and I had been last time. The regular VIP section. The super VIP section was set farther back from the dance floor and higher up than the VIP section than I realized. I felt very, very important.

We went down a dark hallway with some simple wall sconces. All the way to the end and then the door was held open for me. I glanced to the guy who’d showed me the way and grinned, “Thanks man.”

He only motioned with his head and I shook mine before walking into the room. I’d seen the room from far away but no one could have prepared me for the opulence. It didn’t feel like I was in a dance club anymore. The super sleek and modern fireplace took up one wall and had various screens playing different programs above it. There was a sunken sitting area with black couches. A huge bar made almost entirely of glass sat on the wall opposite the fireplace. Then, of course, there was the entire wall of windows that you could use to look down on the dancers below.

Once I was done taking in the huge room, I noticed that the group of men on the couch stood almost as a unit. They did quick little bows at the waist and then filed out of the room. I stepped out of the way and they gave my little bows as well that managed to make me feel all sorts of uncomfortable. One person was left on the couch and he stood slowly.

Listen, I’d met him in person. I knew he was gorgeous. I wasn’t sure if the texts had added something to the tension between us but heat rose in my cheeks. I didn’t blush. I didn’t do that. Yet here I was and it only got worse when he crossed the room.

“Come. Sit. Would you like something to drink?” He said. He didn’t smile. I wasn’t sure his expression changed at all.

“Bold of you to tell me to come as soon as you greet me. Maybe put in the work first.”

His eyebrow rose and he motioned toward the couches, “Just sit, you impossible thing."

I heard Kenji continue across the room as I stopped at the bar. The bartender was a pretty girl with her black hair pulled back in a tight bun and eyeliner wings so sharp you could kill a man. She set to work immediately after I ordered a vodka cranberry, her eyes flicking to over my shoulder nervously as I continued to ignore the man behind me.

“Don’t be scared of him, doll. Just me and you right now.” I grinned at her and she shot me an nervous smile as she set the drink in front of me. When she refused to meet my eyes again, I turned and tried to ignore the odd feeling in my stomach when I noticed dark eyes on me. They dipped behind me and then landed on my face again, that damn eyebrow rose.

“What? You asked if I wanted a drink. I ordered a drink.”

I plopped onto the couch next to him, closer than was strictly necessary. Which ended up being a mistake. He was wearing an impeccably tailored black suit. He wore a single silver signet ring and he smelled way too good for me to keep my cool. The drink wasn’t going to help either. It’d been a while since I was attracted to someone this much.

“I trust you had no problem getting in?” He said softly. His eyes flicked up and after he tilted his head a bit, I heard movement and then the door opened and closed. When I glanced behind me, the bartender was gone.

“This is a pretty big room. Did you have to clear everyone out? Should I be concerned for my safety?”

He rolled his eyes and ran his fingers over his neatly gelled hair, “I’m not sure why I thought you’d be better behaved in person.”

“Hey, that’s on you. I never promised to act any different.” I said, smiling sweetly.

The corner of his lips turned up ever so slightly, “This is going to be an interesting conversation.”

“Yeah. Speaking of that…how do we go about this conversation?”

“The same way you would any other.” He said, eyes sweeping down my body with zero subtlety, “I think we briefly spoke about what I’m looking for. The dynamic. Since we know what I want, let’s start with what you do.”

I smiled, running my fingers over the pendant that sat against my sternum. My smile grew as his eyes tracked the movement. I sipped my drink and met his eyes, “I’m pretty game with whatever gets me into that three-piece suit you have there.”

He chuckled and I thought I saw him shift closer, “In due time, but I’m curious, is the dominate and submissive relationship one you’d be interested in? I’d like a verbal answer but you are able to change you mind at any time.”

“Very generous of you.” I set my drink down and let my arm drape over the back of the couch. Swallowing the excess spit in my mouth, I tried to ignore how close we were. How good he looked and smelled. The worst of it was those dark eyes locked on my face. Intense somehow without being unsettling.

“I’d be…interested to try it. It’s not something I’ve ever done, but I’m open to it.”

“We can discuss the specifics of that type of relationship if you’d like. Otherwise, we can simply spend some time together and see if we’re compatible.”

“I mean, if you don’t talk much, I think we could be very compatible.” I grinned.

“Yes, I’m the one who needs to talk less.” He said with an eye roll.

“I’m so glad you agree.”

He leaned a bit closer, “You know, if we enter that kind of relationship, your mouth is going to get you into a lot of trouble.”

My eyes dropped to his mouth and he looked like he was halfway to a smile, “Luckily, I do good things with my mouth. I’ve needed to use it to get myself out of trouble plenty of times.”

“You’re a menace.”

“Do something about it.”

The mood shifted immediately. The air between us was charged and nothing would make me break my gaze away from his. We’d managed to get even closer somehow and I let my fingers slide over his shoulder. It was uncharted territory. We’d come here to “talk”. Was I supposed to be touching him?

I found I really didn’t care when his body angled more to mine, “You can tell me to stop. Whenever you want.”

He moved lightning fast and then he was above me, hand fisted in my hair as he yanked my head back. I bit back a moan, my eyes widening as he looked down at me, “Is this where we introduce safe words?”

“Do you want one?”

“It’s not at the top of my priority list to be honest.” I said as I pulled away from his fist as much as I could to seal our lips together.

My mind quieted for a few seconds before his hand tightened on my hair and forced a gasp. He’d broken the kiss at the same time and his expression was dark as he smirked at me. A chill ran down my spine and I had to remind myself how to breathe. I didn’t care about the specifics of our time together. All I cared about now was how fast I could undress us and move this along.