Trash Polka - 18. Chapter 18

The most unusual things started to become normal. I still met Kenji in hotels for scenes, but when he was away, he started playing a much more active role in my day-to-day life. He’d even helped me shoot pictures one weekend to post on my site. He was no Alec, but they’d turned out really well surprisingly. There were times I still struggled with it. I was a full-grown adult. Why did I need another adult to take over and keep me on track? Shaking my head, I added shading to a design on my tablet. My door was open so I could hear Lukas talking about something up front and Cameron’s quieter chuckle.

I glanced at the clock while I paused to take a drink from my fancy new water bottle. Among the tasks Kenji had taken upon himself were making sure I ate regularly and drank water. I'd arrived home the next day after he'd spent the night to a refrigerator and freezer stocked full. I rolled my eyes as I thought about it. He also checked to make sure I was getting enough sleep. Worst of all, he’d pushed me to be more open with my friends. Or, well, Lukas and August. I hadn’t branched out much further than them and I didn’t have any immediate plans to. God, I was a mess.

Alec was going to extra therapy sessions and seemed to have returned to his baseline after his last meltdown, which meant I was free to worry about him slightly less. The worry never went away entirely, but at least I wasn’t kept up at night by it. Swallowing another mouthful of water, my phone vibrated. I picked it up, answering without looking at the caller ID.

“Yo.”

“River honey, I was talking to Henry Kennedy the other day and he seemed very out of sorts. Has Alec mentioned anything to you? Is the family having issues?”

I rolled my eyes at my mother’s shameless attempt to pump me for information. While our relationship had improved and changed, my mother’s dedication to the church rumor mill hadn’t. I set my water aside and glanced at the clock. My next appointment wouldn’t be in for around twenty minutes. I had a bit of time to kill.

“They don’t talk mom. I’m not sure what you think Alec would know.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed that at some point Mae and Henry would get their shit together and stop acting like the church gives them permission to hate their son.”

“Julie! Language!” I laughed and smiled more when she made a disapproving sound.

“It’s their loss. You’ll just both be my boys. I at least can see how amazing you both are.” She let out a soft sigh, “I do still wish you used that degree you worked so hard for, but I can see how important your art is.”

I winced and scrubbed a hand over my face, “Yes mother, I know.”

“Listen to me! If you had done what I told you, you wouldn’t have even gone out there and got the degree! You wouldn't have leaned into your art. What do I know!”

A soft smile pulled at my lips as I closed my eyes, “I know you want the best for me.”

“In all things. What’re you up to today?”

It amazed me how much easier it’d gotten to have a conversation with my mother. Certain parts were left out. She didn’t need to know that I’d ended last Sunday clinging to fake jewels and sheets as Kenji rearranged my insides. It was after helping me take pictures for the site. She didn’t need to know that I was nursing horrific mental health with rough sex. She especially didn’t need to know that I had developed feelings for a man who was as easy to read as a brick wall.

Instead, we talked about my clients. I talked about the pieces I was working on. The tattoos I was most excited about. Then, of course, she had to launch into mothering me. Asking me all the basic questions about my eating and how I took care of myself. These were met with vagueness as I wasn’t positive, I’d ever admit to another human that my daily needs were being addressed by another person. I could be honest. I was doing better. I’d hit a rough patch, but things were looking up. It wasn’t a lie, but she didn’t need to know it’d only been three-ish weeks since I’d really started digging myself out of the hole I’d been digging subconsciously.

“Elaine Howert said that her daughter Chelsea has just started a kind of therapy where they don’t even meet in person. It’s all online. Elaine seemed pretty skeptical, but Elaine also permed her hair so much in school I’m surprised she has any left. The good judgement hasn't always been there.”

I grimaced-my normal reaction to therapy-but chuckled softly, “Elaine’s a busybody anyway. Who cares what she thinks.”

“See? This is why I miss you baby. You get it. Are you still going to come visit?”

“Yeah sorry, I’ve been busy. I’m still trying to make some plans.”

“I’ll be here when you figure it out River honey.”

I heard the bell up front on the door ring and glanced at the clock, “I’ll get it sorted out soon. I have to go though, love you.”

She paused and then her voice wavered a little, “I love you too. So much.”

I had just hung up when my next customer popped their head into the room with a smile. I grinned at him and settled in after I hunched over his ribs. My thoughts returned to my mother, and I sighed internally. I needed to get out and visit her. There was nothing keeping me from doing it. I just worried our easier dynamic now wouldn’t translate to reality. It was one thing to be friendly on the phone. It was entirely different face-to-face.

Dragging myself into my apartment, I forced myself into the kitchen. My back hurt as per usual, but I was being whiney about it today. Mostly because I wanted to ignore Kenji’s text from roughly an hour ago where he ordered me to eat an actual meal when I got home. My kitchen was like walking into the twilight zone now. There was food in the freezer and fridge and actual…ingredients. Like to cook with. I could barely accept that this was my kitchen and not someone else’s. Sipping from my water, I set about making something that required very little effort. Mac and cheese with hot dogs. Would Kenji turn up his nose? Yes. Was it an “actual meal”? Debatable, but I was making an executive decision.

It didn’t take long to cobble the food together and I emptied my pockets onto my kitchen island. I tapped the fingers of my right hand against my thigh as I eyed the pack of cigarettes that’d been laying there for roughly two weeks. I’d tried quitting of and one and this was the best effort I’d given. It wasn’t a Kenji-order, it was something I was doing for me. The only issue was I couldn’t throw the pack away and there was one final cigarette hiding within the familiar cardboard.

My phone vibrated and I was startle out of the stare down I’d been having with an inanimate object.

[K: Open the door.]

Rolling my eyes, my mac and cheese and I went to the door, opening it to reveal a severely disheveled Kenji. I blinked for a moment. He wasn’t wearing a suit jacket or tie for once and his shirt was rumpled. His hair even hung onto his forehead and the dark circles under his eyes were intense.

“You look like shit. Also, manners? Ordering me to open my own door when you weren’t even invited. Nor did you tell me you were coming.”

He looked exhausted but his eyebrows rose slowly as he stepped around me to walk inside. He paused, frowning downward, “What is that?”
I closed the door behind him, following his gaze to my gourmet dinner, “Mac and cheese with hotdogs. A midwestern delicacy.”

“That looks awful.”

“Good thing I didn’t offer you any. Again uninvited.” He ran a hand through his hair and my brain slowly chugged along, “Were you out of the country again?”

“No, only out of state this time.”

“What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”

I paused and set my food in the kitchen, gripping his chin and turning his face. There was a bruise starting to form along his left cheekbone, “Businessmen get in a lot of fist fights?”

He expression darkened to the point that it spooked me a bit, “No.”

“Alright. Be mysterious.” I opened the freezer, handing him a frozen bag of vegetables that he stared at for a moment, “You’re starting to get a black eye Mr. CEO.”

He grimaced and pressed the package to his face. We stood in silence for a while and I grabbed my food, eating while I studied him. I didn’t know what we were. I couldn’t gauge how close we were. He’d slept at my apartment a few times. I’d never been to his. Always just one night at a time. Often, nothing sexual happened. It wasn’t like we woke up together and he kissed me on the cheek before he left for work. Most times, he was up and gone before I even woke up. My days didn’t usually start until ten at the earliest and I was pretty sure he started functioning before the sun even came up.

“At least you’re eating.” He sighed, dropping the frozen vegetables onto my small counter and running his fingers through his hair. That explained how it’d been messed up in the first place.

The edges of the arrangement were so blurred and that left me feeling even more nervous than when everything had been written out in black and white and I’d thought I’d simply developed a crush. It’d been unrequited. Unserious. It was easy to find a man who was handsome, successful, and sexually compatible attractive. Where it’d gotten a bit dicey is when he’d admitted to caring. I wasn’t sure how far it extended. Was this headed toward a real relationship? Would it be safe to say we were together? I had more questions than ever. I hated the unknown.

“So, this sleeping at my place…it’s not weird to you?” I asked. Better to just get on with it and get it all out.

“Do you want it to stop?” He asked, eyeing me with one of his unreadable looks.

“I didn’t say that. It’s just…I’ve never even seen your place.”

He tilted his head to the side a bit, “I was unaware you wanted to. Up until this point, you’ve been very attached to the contract. I’ve endeavored to keep you in your comfort zone.”

“What if I wanted to stay at your place then?” I challenged, crossing my arms over my chest.

“I would need to know in advance, but it shouldn’t be an issue.”

“I don’t understand.”

I dragged my hands through my hair and stalked off to my bedroom. I went about getting ready for bed, conscious that he hadn’t left the kitchen completely. He was standing in the doorway watching me change and go from my room to the bathroom. I threw my bangs up into their ridiculous mini ponytail and settled my thick, black glasses on my face.

“Are you staying?” I asked.

He inclined his head before he began to strip off his shirt and unbuckle his belt, “What is bothering you?”

“You.”

“Explain.” He said as we stretched out side by side.

Even this small intimacy seemed insane to me. How long had it been since I stretched out with a different person in this bed? More than platonically? Obviously, August visited but it wasn’t in this capacity. My thoughts were halted when his fingers brushed over my arm.

“Why does it have to be black and white?”

Because I need to know if that fact that I’m already falling is going to end horribly. I need to know if I’m going to fall alone. I need to know what this means to you and if it’s the same as it means to me.

“It’s fine. I don’t want to deal with it right now.”

Or ever, really.

“At some point, it seems that we need to have a conversation, River.”

“For now, I’m going to go to bed and not worry about it. I have thirty thousand other things to worry about. I’d like to leave you off the list for now.”

He made some noise in his throat that sounded like annoyance, but I didn’t care. I rolled onto my side, looking at him in the dim room, lit by fairy lights. He looked tired. I’d noticed it before. Now half naked in bed next to me, I noticed how exhaustion had slipped into his limbs. His shoulders were bunched up around his ears. The bruise around his eye had darkened a bit. It occurred to me that I’d slept with this man in my bed more than once and I didn’t know him. He knew where I lived and worked. He knew personal details about my life and those close to me and I knew nothing about him. I knew he worked in business and had siblings. That was it. Oh, and he owned a nightclub and other places. But I didn’t know him.

That should scare me far more than it did.

I woke up to the sound of Kenji speaking. First to someone else it sounded like and then to me. He had an arm draped around my waist loosely. It took me a few seconds to realize he was holding my phone out to me.

“It’s been ringing for a while. You weren’t waking up.”

Once I’d fully regained consciousness, I snatched my phone from him as soon as I saw the contact. I was worried. It was far too early to call anyone in my opinion and Alec would never disturb me at this hour. Unless he needed me. I hadn’t been awake long enough for coherent, polite greetings even if I knew something was wrong.

“Mmmmmyello?”

“Slut.” I could hear the humor in his voice, but something still wasn’t sitting right.

“Only on Thursdays.” I yawned back.

“It's Tuesday.”

“I'm working ahead. Putting in that overtime. It's called efficiency.”

“Do you have plans right now?”

“My dear, sweet Alec. It's 4:00 AM. Of course not. I'm going back to bed.” I yawned again, “As lovely as it is to hear your voice first thing in the morning.”

“My mom's in the hospital.”

I’d been on edge. Now I felt like I’d run full force into a wall. His admission shook me, and I tried to piece together words. I sat up fully, shrugging out of Kenji’s arms and swearing as I tried to pull myself together. The conversation with my mom popped back into my head and I swore again. I should’ve known something was coming. I should’ve known. I was fully awake and fully sitting up and could sense Kenji’s dark eye watching me.

“Are you okay?” I resisted the urge to smack myself in the face. Of course he wasn’t. What a stupid question.

“I don't know. I'm not one hundred percent. I know that much. I'm panicking, but it's not as bad as it could be.” Alec said. His voice was level, almost too level. If I knew Alec-which I did-he was probably in shock.

“You've worked really hard to not be how you were. Give me a bit and I'll drive over.”

The call ended and I scrubbed my hands down my face and the light stubble that’d gathered in the wake of my laziness from the past two days. I pushed myself to standing as I started to formulate a plan. I didn’t know what Alec was going to need from me. He’d sounded mostly calm but was he going to be a disaster when I got there? Should I take some booze and we could drink away his sorrows? Was it going to be one of those horrible moments where we lay in his too-big bed, and I held him while he sobbed himself to sleep? I grimaced. Those days were hard on me. I never looked forward to them. I shook my head. It didn’t even matter. Alec needed me and when he sent up the signal, I answered.

“Are you going to be okay to drive? You look like you’re about to have a meltdown.”

I had honestly forgotten Kenji was even in the room. He’d also answered my phone which would have been very bad if Alec wasn’t already dealing with something. Not once had I trusted someone else with the device whom I was romantically involved with. I barely trusted myself not to break the thing. Refocusing, I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Who said you could answer my phone? What the hell bro?”

He shifted to stand slowly,” Well, bro, you weren’t waking up. It’s very early so I assumed it was important.”

“Nah, you’ve been crossing a lot of lines lately. It's making me uncomfortable.”

I didn’t wait for his answer. I pulled the first article of clothing I found on and then some pants. I threw together the rest of my outfit in the same haste and grabbed my keys. Kenji was now leaning against the small wall that divided my kitchen and living room.

“I have to go. See yourself out.”

“River, once you’ve put out this fire, we need to have a discussion.”

“Okay cool, but I have to go. My friend needs me.”

“Of course he does.” He nodded his head and might’ve said something else if I didn’t slam the door behind me.

I was being rude. I was also being far too trusting. Leaving a stranger in my house. That’s what he was. A stranger. It didn’t matter if I’d developed feelings for him. Or at least, thought I was starting to. At the end of the day, we didn’t really know each other. The only concrete thing was the contract and at this point, I wondered if it was good to keep it going.

All that needed to go on the back burner now though, I had a friend to console.

“How bad is it?” I asked producing a six pack from behind my back. It was the best I could do so early in the morning, and it’d taste like shit, but it’d serve its purpose.

“I guess bad enough to put her in the hospital.” Alec shrugged.

“Did she call you or did your dad?” I asked as I stepped down into the sunken living room and made myself comfortable on the light grey sectional.

“Guess.” He took the seat next to me and accepted the beer I held out. He used one of the metal loops on my pants to open his beer but stayed quiet. I felt him studying me and became aware of how I must look. I had remnants of eyeliner from yesterday smeared around my eyes. I was wearing the pants I’d worn all day at work, the tank top I’d worn to bed, and best of all, Kenji’s fucking white button down.

“Where did you come from?”

“Mm, wouldn't you like to know.” I threw out my best grin, hoping he’d let me hide behind my devil may care mask. It worked.

He let out an awful noise as I got more comfortable, thumping my untied combat boots down on his undoubtedly expensive coffee table,” Listen here, you degenerate- “

“Are you going home then?” I asked my beer, working up the nerve to meet his eye as we delved into the rough subject matter now.

“Kind of feels like I have to.” He let out a heavy sigh and took a long swig of his beer. I wanted to scoff, to tell him he owed his parents nothing. I wanted to rage about how they’d thrown away their family and now he had me. Alec and I were family, and they were just the people who lived halfway across the country who’d brought him into the world. Big deal. I spent over a decade keeping him in it.

“How do you feel about that? Are you going to be okay?” I finally made myself ask, shoving my more violent emotions to the side so he didn’t see them.
Another drink, another sigh before he answered, “It's going to be brutal. It's been ten years River.”

“I am aware. I left earlier, remember?” I watched him nod but then I didn’t know how to keep the conversation afloat. Our arms were pressed together and I tried to communicate through that small touch that I was here for my oldest friend. That I always would be.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. As soon as a bottle was empty, I replaced it. I should have brought more than a single six pack, but I hadn’t known what I was walking into. He was quiet, reflective. He seemed to be handling things far better than I thought he would. Even so, part of me stayed braced for the shit to hit the fan. It was just a matter of time. Alec had made great strides in his mental health, but this was a heavy blow.

“I don't want to go back.” Alec he muttered and I noted the anger in his voice, “They made my life hell for seventeen years.”

“She's still your mother.” I offered.

“She's still a bitch.” He snapped immediately as the empty bottles drew his attention.

“That she is.” I leaned back, keeping my eyes on him, waiting to see which direction this veered into, “Are you going to regret it if you don't go?”
I saw ghosts of the past flash across his eyes. He was no doubt cataloging all the hurt. Every time his parents had done wrong by him. How he’d made something of himself despite us being near homeless and hungry when we’d left home. Was the gift of life enough for him to overlook all of it? If the tables had been turned, I couldn’t say it’d be enough for me. My mother and I had improved our relationship but I hadn’t had to withstand the outright hatred my dearest friend had been subjected to. Not to mention, his parents weren’t the only ghosts haunting our hometown. I had to ask.

“Have you thought of what you'll do if you run into him?”

“No? Who?” He replied without so much as looking at me.

I couldn’t help the laugh he pulled out of me, “You know exactly who.”

“I haven't even decided if I'm going back River.” He snapped. He’d gotten very defensive, very fast. Never a good sign.

“I'm just saying, if you decide to go home, you need to be prepared for what's waiting for you.” I said, holding my hands up to placate him.

“It’s been ten years. Who knows? Maybe he’s not there anymore. I might not have to worry about it at all. We’re both adults now, anyway. I’m sure he’s made a life for himself with someone.”

This new line of thought made me chuckle, “Or he’s just like you, holding up every potential partner to the ‘one that got away’. Don’t think you can tell me otherwise. Your affinity for big, muscular, blonds is well documented sir.”

“I don’t remember anyone asking you to weigh in on my dating life.” He was glaring at me now.

“Or lack thereof. I don’t remember ordering a wake-up call at four in the morning, but here were are cupcake.”

He grew quiet again and I let him stew. Reality was a cruel bitch sometime and I wasn’t blind. Alec and I had been so close for so long that I knew his flaws almost as well as my own. I wasn’t blind. I saw him searching for a replacement with every guy he met. Only to be disappointed because they weren’t the guy. I wasn’t sure if my chronic fear of commitment was worse or better than my friend’s inability to give up the mold he’d made of the perfect man in high school.

“You're coming with.” He announced suddenly.

My nerves went haywire and I choked on a laugh, “I work a normal job, Alec. I can't just leave.”

“You and I both know your sweetheart of a boss wouldn't care if you explained it. Also, you make your own hours.”

“Okay, but I have a second job and- “

“Bring your equipment. I'll pay for a hotel room the next town over.” Alec begged,” Please Riv. I can't do this alone.”

My immediate thought was no. I couldn’t just pause my entire life to be motivational and emotional support for my best friend. Almost as soon as I thought it, I knew I was going to cave. Sucking on of my lip rings, I tried to figure out the logistics. How was I going to swing this? Bills didn’t pay themselves and even if I had income from posting my pictures, it varied and I didn’t like to count on it. My nerves frayed and I wanted to crawl back into bed. I couldn’t though. I had to make it work.

“Fine. But if Milo is still around, I'm shooting my shot!”