Trash Polka - 19. Chapter 19

I should really start a mental countdown for when Alec’s nerves just short-circuited his entire system. We’d not even had much trouble with the airport, and he looked like he was ready to explode. I was also a bit nervous, but I had far worse things on my mind. Like how I’d pretty much been ignoring Kenji since the morning Alec called me about his mother. Well, not fully ignoring. I answered him. In the shittiest, most childish way possible. I didn’t think he’d gotten more than a one-word response for at least two days. I was the worst, but I was distracting myself with Alec’s crisis.

I was antsy from the flight, jittery, and my hands were shaking a tiny bit from the sheer amount of caffeine I’d ingested this morning. Alec’s focus was on a woman in front of us who kept stopping. He looked like he was about to explode, so I grit my teeth and stepped forward. I did not need to get detained or arrested in an airport. Thank you very much.

“Sorry. I couldn't help but notice you seem confused. I happened to catch a glance at your phone. You're headed in the wrong direction.” She was over the top grateful and I felt a little bad that I didn’t honestly care where she ended up if it was out of our way. Keeping Alec calm was a full-time job right now.

“Relax, man. This is just the airport.” I sat my hand on top of his hair, trying to lighten the mood. Alec only tensed and I could see the anxiety ratchet up in his expression. Great.

“So, hear me out. There's a bar in town.”

Alec was frowning, “There was a bar there when we lived there too.”

“This one is nicer. Borderline classy. Well, as classy as Sunnyside gets.” I’d officially run out of ways to deescalate him, so I’d deferred to the old standby, alcohol. I was beginning to wonder if this trip was going to take me down a few pegs as well. There was a full pack of cigarettes now tucked in the back pocket of my pants. A little stress and I’d fallen so far.

“We're not staying there. Why would we drink there?” Alec whined as he tapped the address for the hotel into the GPS.

“We could stay with my mom for the night.” I said offhandedly.

“How is Julie? Still crying over your unused degree?”

I felt a twinge of…almost anger. It was unfair. Alec didn’t know how much my mother and I had mended our relationship. He didn’t know because I hadn’t told him. I’d been keeping a lot from him. The guilt ate away at the anger until I just felt bad about myself. I couldn’t stand by and not try to defend the woman who’d been honest and vulnerable with me.

“Hey. She's gotten better. It really shocked her when I moved. It woke her up. Anyway, she's stoked that we're here.” The whole conversation was making me feel a little ill. My mother was not Alec’s, but we’d gone so long fueled by our family trauma. It’d bonded us. Even a few months ago, I wouldn’t have given a second thought to him making a comment about her. Now, it left a horrible taste in my mouth.

“If we drink, we can camp out on your bedroom floor. Like we used to.” Alec said and the smile he sent me eased my worry. It was okay. This wasn’t about me. Alec hadn’t really meant anything by his comment. I needed to get a grip.

“You're going to sleep on the floor. I'm still sleeping in a bed.” I said as I forced myself to calm down.

“Aren't you supposed to be making this more appealing to me? You're not selling it very well.”

“We both know you'll need a drink later. I'll probably need one or four.”

“Fine. Fine! I'm still going to the hotel to freshen up first though.” Alec relented.

“But of course! You look like death warmed over! I can't be seen with the likes of you!” He didn’t look at me or answer, but the grin on his face helped me settle just a bit more. Everything was going to be okay. Damn it. If I had to force it to be that way.

I was waiting in my hotel room for Alec, staring down at my phone like some kind of immature, commitment fearing zombie. Kenji hadn’t been texting a lot. He wasn’t needy, but it was obvious he was growing agitated. I hadn’t even really told him that I’d taken off. He’d sent two yesterday.

[K: Is something wrong?] Received at 05:00 hrs

[K: River] Received at 09:00 hrs

Then another one today already.

[K: I suppose if you don’t want to talk that’s fine, but I’d like to know the reason. Especially after I told you we needed to have a conversation. This timing seems strange.] Received at 07:00 hrs.

I unlocked the phone and began typing.

[R: It’s nothing you did. I’m just afraid that this relationship is one sided. If it’s not, I’m terrified you’re going to see inside and hate what’s there. I left and am back in my hometown with a friend. I just need some time to think about everything. It’s making me feel crazy. Someone making me feel at all is horrifying honestly.]

I stared at the message for a while and heard a knock at my door. I glanced down at it again as I stood and deleted the entire thing. It was so, so vulnerable and exactly what I should say. I couldn’t send it. I couldn’t let him know how deep I was into this thing after such a short amount of time. Most of it was incredibly casual. We’d agreed to stay that way. We’d put it on paper. I’d signed a contract saying that all I wanted from the man was sex.

[R: I’m fine. Out of town. I’ll message when I have time.]

[K: Fine.]

[K: Don’t think I haven’t noticed the major shift in your behavior. I’m not blind River.]

“Alec, we should sit and catch up!”

I’m not sure what Alec had been expecting. I wasn’t sure what I’d been expecting either, but the whole situation was shitty. I could see Alec collapsing in on himself. Sure, for a normal family, clearing out Alec’s room might not have been a big deal. If it’d just been his room. If they’d simply repurposed it. This was more than that. There were no pictures of Alec. There was no trace that he’d ever been here. It looked like the Kennedys had never had children. It had to hurt. Even though he’d been the one to finally go no-contact. Seeing how easily they’d cut him out of their life was hard to face.

I watched Alec stagger back as though he’d been hit and I caught him as he started to careen too far in one direction. The look on his face was haunted and when I met Henry’s eyes, he flinched away from the look I gave him. Some warning might’ve been nice. Alec stumbled a bit more and I took a deep breath. This trip was only going to get worse.

“Alec let's come sit in the living room.” Henry murmured and I sneered as the man refused to meet his son’s eyes. The bastard deserved to be ashamed. How did one go their whole life without a spine?

I guided my friend to the dated couch in the living room. Henry was scurrying behind us like the rat he was. Alec barely seemed to hear him as he offered every beverage under the sun. The picture-perfect host. Except he wasn’t. He was just desperate to do something so he could pretend like he hadn’t wounded his son so deeply. Coward.

Alec stared straight ahead as he sat on the couch. I resisted the urge to hug him to me. I wasn’t sure what he needed right now. I didn’t think it was physical touch. I’d spent so long fighting to protect him from everything that might hurt him further but, at some point, Alec needed to take the reins. This was his life not mine. He took a deep breath and looked up. His father quickly looked away. He’d finally reengaged, and Henry seemed startled to have his son’s full attention again.

“I'm happy you're home and your mother will be too.” I had to force myself not to visibly react to the new bull shit spewing from Henry’s mouth. Me starting a fight wasn’t going to improve this situation. No matter how much I wanted to lay this middle-aged man out.

“Don't lie to me.” Alec snapped. I watched his father flinch and I settled into the couch.

“I'm not.” His father said softly, “We missed our son.”

“What son?” I could tell he was angry. This was a different tone than usual. The white-hot fury that Alec rarely displayed. The words rushed out and the tone of them seemed to crash against his father, “Looking around, it doesn't appear that you ever had a son.”

“Alec- “

“How long did you wait to throw my things away?”

“Please. I don't want this to be a fight.”

“Maybe I do. I kept quiet my entire childhood. How do you make peace with the fact that you did nothing for me? Did erasing me from your narrative make you feel better about yourselves? God, you two are incredible!” I shouldn't be proud. This situation could be handled much better by everyone present, but I didn't care. I wanted this for Alec. I wanted him to take back his power from his parents. He wasn't a child anymore.

As angry as I was on my friend’s behalf, it did hurt to watch. Why did things like this always happen to good people? Alec was such a good person. He was full of love and kindness despite his parents’ best efforts. I’d watched him grow into the successful man he was today and because of prejudice, they’d missed it all. He’d deserved so much more. He deserved more now. More than an empty bedroom and his father’s empty fucking words.

I had a hard time believing today would be productive for any part of this family and it made my heart hurt for my friend. I supposed a part of me had allowed hope to blossom. Maybe Alec had too. Now, faced with reality, we could see that there hadn't been any. That sometimes horrible people stayed horrible. Not everyone set out on a redemption arc like my mother had. No matter how much I'd wanted that for my best friend.

Being back home was strange. It only got stranger the longer we stayed. Had I known we’d run into Finn? No, but God, subconsciously we had to know it was a possibility. Veronica was the shittiest cherry on top I’d ever witnessed. After the conversation her and I had, I didn’t think she’d have the courage to approach us. Perhaps ever again.

“Is that your doing?” I asked inclining my head in Finn's direction. It seemed a little too convenient that he'd come in right after us.

She laughed, “I thought it’d be funny. They used to think they were so in love.”

“Ah,” I shifted closer, tucking hair behind her ear/ She was looking at me like I hung the moon. Gross.

I grinned, “You’d think that as the years would’ve passed, you’d have grown as a person. You’d have become more than the above average cheerleader who peaked in high school. Pining after a man who hasn’t wanted you since and bullying someone you don't know anymore. But you’re still here and you’re still her. Doll, it’s honestly sad, borderline pathetic. Surely you can do better.”

She had refused to look at us after that. It didn’t matter. I had another issue to deal with. Alec had been a mess. It improved a bit as the conversation progressed. Even with Finn’s weird passive aggressive comments sprinkled throughout the conversation. Finn had started to avoid my eyes after the first few when I shot him a look my mother said stripped paint when I was younger. I didn’t know what to think of him and worse, I didn’t know what to do about how Alec received him. It was like watching the two teenagers from the past take over their adult bodies again. The looks they exchanged were charged and the air was heavy with tension. Even though I’d been included in the conversation, I felt like the odd man out.

It was a bad idea. I could see where this might possibly be headed and if it turned into a fling, I didn’t know if either of them would come out of it okay. As much as Alec hated talking about it, Finn was the one who got away. As teenagers, they’d been near perfect for each other. I didn’t know how that would translate to adulthood. There was a very real possibility that I could be witnessing a train wreck very soon. I was worried about both.

[K: Is this because I mentioned moving away from the contract? Or possibly because I told you I cared about you? Regardless of your answer, I don’t apologize for either.]

I rubbed the back of my neck as I stepped over Alec to leave the room. My mother was already in the kitchen, but I managed to get by her and step out without having to interact. I cupped my hands around the cigarette hanging from my lips as I lit it, sucking the smoke into my lungs as soon as I was able. It took a bit of the edge off. I needed to message Kenji. I needed to be honest. I needed to…I needed to run this whole situation by someone who knew me. It was time to start being honest with the people who loved me. I exhaled and rubbed my fist first against one eye and then the other. I hadn’t taken off my eyeliner and my eyelids were screaming at me for it.

I walked back into the house. My mother was already gossiping to someone on the phone, and I slid back into my room. I could hear the shower shut off and I barged in, leaning against the door. I stared at the ceiling. It was near impossible to kick my brain into gear as I tried to figure out how to broach the subject with Alec.

“Say someone wanted something from a relationship that you didn’t…how would you go about discussing that and explaining yourself?” Itried to hide my feelings behind a weird smile but it sat on my face strangely, “Hypothetically of course.”

I watched Alec nod slowly, working his fingers through his hair as he thought, “I suppose it would depend on how far apart the two involved were with where they stood. Is there a way to meet in the middle? To compromise?”

I bit back a sigh and shook my head, “The other person’s thinking is black and white. I don’t think there’s much room for negotiation. No shades of gray if you will.”

Alec frowned and pulled on joggers, “River, your entire life is a mess of rainbow. You don’t even come close to shades of gray, let alone black and white.”

“We aren’t talking about me remember?” I could feel the smile trying to fall off my face.

“Okay,” Alec sighed, “Say person B wants a commitment, but person A is happy with the way things are, if there’s no meeting in the middle things are going to get messy. Someone or both will have to bend or it isn’t going to work.”

“Yes, yes. I know.” I nodded, “Let’s say that person B has never been in a committed relationship and it was agreed that this one would be casual as well, but now…B caught feelings.”

This wasn’t going the way I had planned exactly. That was because I was being vague, and Alec didn’t have all the details to work with. I at least knew that Kenji cared about me. He wouldn’t be reaching out the way he had been if he didn’t want to continue whatever the hell we had going on. I was being childish and unfair, but at this point it, it was less about him. The problem here was me.

“River, do you think-sorry. Does person B know that A has no interest in him besides physical?”

There was something there. More than just sex. I just wasn’t sure how far it reached. I shrugged, “A is hard to read. He’s serious to the point of being severe. B never knows what he’s thinking.”

“I think that he needs to ask him. Have a decent conversation about it to see where they both stand. If their expectations don’t match, maybe it’s time to move on?” Alec was watching me, trying to gauge my reaction as I digested his words.

“That’s the easy solution, but I guess I’m worried it will end things. I don’t want it to end.” I didn’t want it to end but I couldn’t function with it the way it was. I’d finally admitted to myself last night, curled up in my childhood bed, that I wanted more. I wanted a relationship with the person who’d opened with telling me he didn’t do monogamous relationships.

“If it ends once you clarify where you stand, is that the worse thing? If you want more and he doesn’t, is it worth stringing yourself along?” Alec had moved closer to me now and I tried to meet his eyes. I felt like I was crumbling in front of him when I needed to be strong. His mother was sick. I was supposed to be supporting him right now. Not the other way around.

There was no stopping though. I let myself lean forward, my forehead resting against his shoulder. Then Alec’s arms were around me and the pain in my chest had eased a little. There was still a sharp wrongness residing between my ribs, but at least I didn’t feel alone.

“How long have you known you had feelings for mystery man?” I leaned into Alec’s touch as his fingers lightly worked over my hair.

“Not long. It hit me all at once last night.” I mumbled.

“What are you going to do?” Alec asked quietly.

“Have a conversation when we get back. In person.” I said as I lifted my head, “I knew it was the right thing to do, it’s going to suck.”

“Do I get to meet A at some point?” Alec was grinning at me and brushed away some of the eyeliner shrapnel that I was sure now covered half my face off my cheeks.

“Well, I suppose that depends on how the conversation goes.” I felt even more at ease and let my head fall back against the door behind me, “Are you planning to visit your mother today?”

“I probably should. It’s the whole reason we’re here, huh?”

“How excited are you?”

“Oh, I can barely contain myself.” Alec groaned, rolling his eyes.

Alec was quiet for a moment, which was fine. It left me to sit in silence with the realizations that I’d made. I had feelings for Kenji. Whatever was between us had become more for me and I needed to be honest with him about that. It wasn’t fair to get an attitude or lash out every time he did something that dragged my feelings up. This wasn’t his fault. Well, it kind of was. He did have the gall to be the only romantic partner I’d built a bond with. Then he added on the audacity of being attractive and having a personality that balanced mine.

“I think…I should go alone. I don’t want to drag you through that with me.” Alec said suddenly as he crossed his arms over his chest and looked at me. He looked determined but nervous at the same time somehow.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” I asked, frowning.

“I’m a grown man. Time to fight my own battles, huh?” Alec echoing the thoughts I’d begun having was almost strange. At least we were on the same page. Even if I worried about him facing his mother alone.

“They grow up so fast.” I said dramatically, trying to lighten the mood a bit before I added, more seriously, “Listen, I don’t mind coming with. Moral support. If you need it, that is.”

He smiled, “I’ve never doubted that you’d help if I needed it. You’re always there for me, but I need to do this myself. I’ve got this.”