Trash Polka - 16. Chapter 16

It took two and a half more weeks for Kenji to be free again. In that time, I did more research. Everything was so new and familiarizing myself with all the terms was difficult. I had pages of notes. It was my own kinky bible. Which, was an incredibly blasphemous way to look at it. But blasphemy and I were old friends. I’d carried the word inside since I realized I was different and what that would mean for me, my mother, and her church.

Through additional learning, Kenji’s behavior after our “scene” made more sense. Aftercare was another new word for me. After I’d learned about it and pieced things together, I wondered how often Kenji actually provided it. The man didn’t seem particularly caring or whatever else it took to take care of someone in that way. It made me question if this may be a new arrangement for him as well. He’d obviously been in the world of kink, but did he interact with others like this?

I shook my head as I rode up in the elevator, rubbing my neck. In addition to kink research, I’d been running myself ragged to come up with ways to deal with my malfunctioning brain that didn’t involve outside or chemical intervention. Looking at my distorted reflection in the elevator’s shiny panel, I tried to settle myself. I’d been running through new breathing exercises. I’d tried adding even more routine to my day, but the issues were stubborn and I felt like I wasn’t making progress.

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Stuck in my thoughts, my feet carried me forward and then I was knocking on the door. It opened and Kenji’s eyes swept down my body then back up. He nodded to me in greeting and stepped aside so I could walk into the room. I pulled off my coat as I entered and blinked when he took it from my hands and draped it over the back of the full-sized couch in the sitting area.

“How was Beijing?”

“Loud.”

I shuddered as his voice came from directly behind me. I turned and stepped closer, a few inches between us now, “That makes sense. There’s like 21 million people living there.”

His head tilted a bit to the side as he considered me, “You just happen to know that?”

I swallowed and shrugged, “I looked it up.”

“Why?” He asked, dark eyes scanning over my face as he pulled me closer, his hands gripping my hips. Right now would be the perfect moment for a kiss. Oh wait.

“I like knowing things.” I shrugged again and he looked me over for a couple more minutes before releasing me and turning to walk to the bedroom.

“Beijing is crowded. Busy. Every time I’m there, I feel like I may explode.” He said quietly as I followed him like a deranged little puppy.

“Do you go often?” I asked. I was surprised that he seemed almost…chatty today.

“More than I like. It’s one of the places I probably go to the most.”

I watched him pull at his tie, loosening it before shrugging off his suit jacket. It’s navy blue today. His undershirt is black to match the trim on the jacket’s lapels. It’s expensive and obviously tailored to fit every wildly attractive inch of him.

“So, aftercare, huh?” I don’t know why I ask it that way. Abrupt, clumsy, tactless. I should be used to those character flaws by now.

He’s quiet as he rolls up the sleeves on his button down. Kenji then sits on the end of the bed and looks up at me. The room is huge, modern. It’s done in mostly white with accents of a rich blue to offset caramel toned woods and leather. The bed is done entirely in that nearly sterile white all hotels favor. He looks like an angel halfway fallen as he hangs off a cloud. All dark hair, dark eyes, and black shirt.

“It’s something we should’ve discussed. I fear that listing it in the paperwork wasn’t thorough enough. Going forward, I’ll be sure to correct that.”

I shouldn’t react the way I do. I took it like a slap to the face. My brain immediately dissected his words. “Going forward”. For when he makes other schmucks sign that contract before he smacks them around sexually and consensually. He’ll amend the words so that it’s crystal clear for his next partner or sub. My thinking was right. This entire world may be new for me, but our circumstances were new for Kenji as well. I’m an experiment. None of this is going to be earth shattering for him. It will just be a trial so that when he’s tired of me, his next experiment will have fewer variables.

Jesus. Pathetic much? Stop crying over feelings when you’re here for sex. That was the agreement.

“Looking into it, the aftercare, did you find anything you think you may need to be more comfortable?”

“Not really, but then, I’ve never needed it before so how am I to know?”

“We’ll try things, and you can decide what you prefer. How did you find your experience last time?”

“We’ve already discussed this.” I said.

Needing something to do, I busied my fingers undoing the ties holding my white shirt together. It was an odd thing made of two panels of lace and held together with silky bits of fabric. It didn’t leave much to the imagination and bared my ribs on either side of my body.

“Through text, but I’m finding you’re far less honest through that method of conversation. For instance, you said things have been fine but you’re twitchy and have dark circles under your eyes.” He said, standing slowly to run his fingers over the soft ties now hanging from my sides.

I frowned, “I thought this was just scenes. You’re getting a little personal.”

He tipped my chin up, “This doesn’t work for me if you’re not of sound mind or you’re exhausted. I don’t just mean physically.”

“Again, getting personal.”

“Fine. So, what if I am? There’s nothing in the contract that forbids me from showing an interest in your well-being.”

“It’s fine. I just haven’t been sleeping well and I have a lot on my plate.”

“Are you up for anything tonight?”

Alarm bells went off in my head. There was no plane of existence in which I told Kenji just how much I wanted this. How much I fucking needed it. I was near desperate for the quiet that came during and immediately afterward. I slid my shirt off and started on the silver jeans underneath. Then realized that they’d be impossible to take off, so I set about undoing my laces.

“River. I need you to answer me.”

“Yes. I’m fine. I want this.” I met his intense gaze after I finished kicking off my boots. I tried my best to stare him down as I stood there half naked and near panting for him to touch me.

“You’ve been…more petulant through text. We’re going to address that.” He said, his long fingers slipping down my ribs.

“Awe, did I hurt your feelings Ken-Ken?”

“There you are.” He yanked me forward with my upper arm and then I was hauled over his lap. It should be mortifying. I was a grown man. I was taller than Kenji and yet here I was. Feeling about two inches tall as I sprawled out of his lap and my pants were yanked down enough to expose my lily white asscheeks to Kenji and Jesus.

The first smack ripped a horrifyingly wounded sound from me. It took a solid minute for me to get my shit together enough to be coherent. Then what felt like thirty years to register what Kenji was saying to me. When he added counting the hits, I didn’t know how my brain soup would manage, but it did. It got worse from there until I was making noises I would rather die than admit to making with gasped numbers mixed in. My bruising skin pulsed and there were tears gathering in the corner of my eyes. It was painful, humiliating, and strange.

I loved every second of it.

The thoughts fled my brain until all that was left was numbers, counting, and pain diluted with pleasure. Couldn’t tell you when we’d progressed to sex. I wasn’t positive if I stayed on the planet completely. I’d heard Kenji ask for my safe word a few times and I didn’t understand. Why on God’s green earth would I interrupt a religious experience such as this? I don’t know how long it took Kenji to coax me back to the real world and coherency after an orgasm that drove the ability to speak and think from me completely. I do know he stayed the whole time. He didn’t give the impression that he was one foot out the door. Not feeling awkward or rushed let me float along for far longer than last time. Fingers stroked my jaw gently and held me tight to a firm chest. When I finally blinked open my eyes, fingers were combing through my hair.

“Welcome back.”

“I think your dick made my brain blue screen.”

“What now?”

The time after that was weird. In the best way. Another three weeks had passed. We were in a new hotel. This one was so modern it was nearly sterile. Alec would feel right at home amongst the minimalism and clean lines. Kenji fit right in too, decked out in a black-on-black suit, his hair neatly gelled back. He’d lost the jacket, but other than that he was fully dressed, while I was in my birthday suit.

I wasn’t totally bare. I had red rope looped around my torso and arms. Kenji moved meticulously but carefully. He’d double check to make sure nothing was too tight while he moved. I wanted to watch his hands words, but it was soothing. The entire thing. The rope was tight enough that I felt secure and oddly safe. It was like when I wore harnesses but magnified. I was feeling floaty and since my arms were secured close to my chest there wasn’t much I could do but enjoy.

When he was done, he maneuvered me around and stood back. Both of us were clearly enjoying this as I became a bit more aware as he took my phone and snapped pictures. He slid up the bed and in the next few minutes, he was in my mouth. As I dipped into my cloud, I marked certain things. He was gentle, the rope was comforting, and I came without him even touching me.

He had to convince me to let him free me from the ropes. I would gladly live tied up in the ropes for the rest of my life. That belief was only solidified when he massaged every bit of me that they’d touched as he removed them. As I floated along, he tucked me into his chest and slowly showed me the pictures. They were phone quality of course, but I couldn’t get over how beautiful they were. The red rope with my fair skin and the extensive black inked into it contrasted gorgeously. He’d tied me up in a way that accentuated parts of my body I’d never given a second thought.

“Wow,” I mumbled into his chest.

“You’re stunning. Now, these are on your phone, if you’d like to send them to me that’s your choice.”

I let my head loll back so that I could look up at him. I watched his Adam’s apple bob as my eyes dipped to his lips. It was probably good all my strength had been sapped from me. I would’ve kissed him then.

I sent him the pictures the next day.

An entire month passed, and I’d been chomping at the bit to get my fix. That’s what it was now. No matter what I tried to calm my brain, nothing did the trick quite like Kenji. Nothing had ever done it as well as he did. I dragged my fingers through my hair, glancing at the clock. It’d been a slow day, and I was more than ready to be anywhere but at work. I’d heard nothing from Kenji for an entire two days. It was fine. I wasn’t bothered at all.

I didn’t have time to be bothered. August was back in town and after I did more work on his back, we’d be going out. My friend had suggested Xi and if I couldn’t be near its owner, I guess this would have to do. It was ridiculous and I wasn’t fond of the thought process, but I needed something to take my mind off…well everything.

The loneliness was creeping into every day now. I kept it at bay by calling my mother and trying to repair twenty years of pain over the phone. It was exhausting and I wasn’t sure if it was helping or hurting. Alec was doing better, but every time he had a slip, I was there. I had to be. There was no other option. Lifting someone up was significantly harder when you were carrying your own weight. My mind was frenzied and if I couldn’t dull the roar with Kenji, I’d do it with Auggie and alcohol.

I’d done too much too fast. August had gone off for roughly a half hour, when he’d seen a bandmate, and I had managed to find someone with pills and powder. With so many choices, I’d gone with the mystery pills, and I was feeling great by the time August found me again. I’d had a few drinks just for some razzle dazzle and everything was great. I was lost in a sea of bodies. The bass was thumping through my chest, and it took me a moment to register his presence after he peeled someone off me.

“Riv?”

“Friend!” I yelled, draping my arms over his shoulders as he stood in front of me.

He frowned, brushing hair out of my eyes, “Let’s go sit for a minute.”

“Yeah! Let’s do a shot!”

Auggie threw a strange look over his shoulder and held my wrist as he guided me off the dance floor. He parked me on a white bench, “I don’t know where the bottle service girl is, but I’m going to go get you some water. Stay here, yeah?”

“Boo!” I yelled as he walked off.

I watched his progress until I lost him in the crowd and let my head fall back against the seat. I was suddenly exhausted, but we had no time for that. Auggie and I needed this. Okay, maybe I needed it more than him, but oh well.

“Hey.”

I was so checked out that I nearly came out of my skin at Cameron’s soft voice. I blinked up at him, eyeing where his fingers were toying with the end of his braid, “What’s up?”

“I came here to ask you that. You’ve been off lately.” He said, gaze locked on my face.

It took a lot of effort to not come up with an excuse right away. Making eye contact was hard, but I took a breath and forced myself to, “I’ve been…struggling a bit mentally. I’m trying to find a solution.”

Cameron shifted, his shoulder resting against the door, “Have you talked to someone? Been evaluated. There’s no shame in it.”

“I’m trying to avoid…medical intervention for as long as possible.”

“You can come to us too. I know that I am…abrasive, but I’m here if you need me. You know Lukas would fall all over himself if you told him you needed someone to talk to.”

“I know. I appreciate you guys.”

“Just…you’re not alone idiot. We love you. Let us.”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about spreader bars, but I was starting to like having my upper body restrained in some way. The black bar kept my legs spread-hence its name- and the soft cuffs where they were attached didn’t make it horrifically uncomfortable. My arms were cuffed to the bedframe and before we’d gotten started, I wondered if Kenji had to investigate hotels to find a four-poster bed.

None of that mattered now. We’d tried all sorts of new things tonight. My cheek stung and had a little heat from the smack Kenji had delivered earlier. It’d force quit my brain and I’d been a mess ever since. This scene had been one of the longest. We’d been at it for hours and my whole body felt like jelly. I flexed my fingers as I tried to bring myself down from my cloud. Kenji was unlocking the cuffs on the bar and a small noise escaped me when he brought my extended legs together. He spent plenty of time rubbing both ankles and then he crawled up the bed. His lips pressed up my spine before he fell to the side. He freed one hand and then moved to the other, a steady stream of praise leaving his perfect mouth.

“You did so well.”

“You took everything perfectly.”

“You’re perfect.”

“No, don’t move. Let me take care of you.”

I was near dizzy with what I was starting to think may be my favorite kink so far. The sheer amount of praise was something I never knew I needed. Aftercare was probably my second favorite part. Having Kenji say sweet things, hold me, and play with my hair was an entire experience. I just had to ignore the rustling it created in my chest and the flutter I’d feel sometimes in my stomach.

“How are you feeling?” He murmured quietly, breath ghosting over my ear as his fingers stroked along my jaw.

He tipped my chin up so I could see him. My eyes were open to slits. I felt so good, and he was so close. He was so sweet. I didn’t have the frame of mind to remind myself that this wasn’t Kenji. He did this because it was what was expected of him as a Dom. There weren’t feelings here.

Try telling my floaty, subspace-submerged mind that.

I brought my hand up clumsily, brushing my thumb over the scar on his cheekbone. I had enough energy to lean forward and then my lips were pressed to his. He stiffened and part of my brain was trying to crawl back to consciousness to remind me of something. I ignored it, though, when his fingers tangled in my hair and he kissed me back slowly, angling my head the way he wanted. It was over far too soon but I couldn’t keep myself awake any longer. I wished that I hadn't been so far gone and remembered the end of the night after I woke up.

Lukas was sitting at his desk, sketching something. I stepped into the room, glancing behind me to make sure Cameron was still up front. When I heard him talking to a customer, I let out a sigh of relief. When I turned back around, Lukas still hadn’t noticed me, and I cleared my throat. He startled before turning around. A wide grin split his face and Lukas threw me a little wave.

“What’s up buddy?”

“I have an issue.” I stepped further into the room, rubbing my arm as I looked anywhere but at my friend.

“How can I help?” I could see his smile become a bit strained out of the corner of my eye and let out a huff as I plopped down on the couch on the other side of his room.

“My…my mental health has been rough lately. That’s obvious.” I glanced at him, and Lukas nodded in encouragement, “There’s more though. Another issue.”

“Alright.” Lukas said, still trying to hold onto his smile.

“I started seeing this guy.”

“That’s great!”

“Just…just wait.” I held up my hands and cringed a bit, “It’s contractual. Have you heard of BDSM?”

Lukas’ smile finally fell, “I’ve heard of it, but I can’t say I’m familiar. You have some kind of contract? Does that mean it’s just sexual rather than romantic?”

“It’s supposed to be just sex. The reason I’m having an issue is because it’s starting to be a crutch. My brain can’t-I can’t get my shit together if we go a long time without a scene. I need the quiet. I need my brain to slow down, and it can’t do it if I’m not engaging in something crazy with him. It’s not healthy.”

Lukas worked his fingers through his curls and closed his eyes for a moment, “This was why you started the drugs. For that quiet.”

I nodded and Lukas blinked open his eyes, “I know you don’t want to be medicated, but I think you need help Riv. You’re worrying me.”

He kicked his rickety extra chair towards me and as I slid into it, I braced myself for an unpleasant conversation. Lukas didn’t look like he was judging me. He looked concerned and that was worse. This wasn’t how I allowed myself to have friendships. I was a safe space. I was the one that allowed them to be vulnerable while I stayed unbothered and hid behind humor. It was a little funny. Nothing about my day-to-day thoughts were funny or safe. But the outside world didn’t need to know that. Kenji didn’t know it but he’d torn something inside me. Pain gushed from the tear and I hoped talking to Lukas would help me start stitching up the inside trauma before I drowned in it.