Trash Polka - 15. Chapter 15

Twisting my torso a bit, I glanced to the screen to see if it helped the pose. Shifting a bit more, I heard the shutter of the camera. This went on for several more positions and pictures. Alec was staring at me with his weird photographer expression. I think he did the same thing I did. He shut down the part of his brain that recognized me as a friend so he could be objective. He tapped my foot and moved it where he wanted.

We were mostly quiet. We had been since I’d gotten dressed and sprawled over the hotel bed. I was wearing a silver harness that draped teardrops of metal across my chest in strips ending at my hips. There was a matching thong that was rubbing me the wrong way. Literally. There was also a high chance that it’d stabbed me a few times. It wasn’t very expensive, and it was going to be relegated to the area in my closet that I didn’t wear without a shirt underneath.

Alec had smeared some white eyeliner around my eyes and something on my lips to make them glossy. Perhaps, spit balling here, lip gloss. I couldn’t be positive though as he put the stuff on and I sat obediently with my eyes closed. I’d learned my lesson after taking mascara wand bristles to the eye once. They were apparently not meant to be applied directly to the eyeball. Who knew?

I was laying in a way that I was able to study my friend without moving. He looked well rested and clean. That was a noticeable improvement since the last time I’d seen him. I hadn’t yet asked about his medication and I didn’t know if I wanted to. As much as I hated myself for it, I didn’t want to have more reason to worry about him. He was already in my thoughts constantly. If I prayed, he’d be in those as well. The kid really needed all the help he could get and I meant up to and including divine intervention.

“I went on a date.” He announced as we were looking through the photos. I was busy picking my hair apart. He’d sprayed some kind of glitter shit into it and it was now at odd, dazzling angles.

“Did you?” I asked. He hadn’t said it with any sort of excitement. I didn’t know how I was supposed to react.

“It was awful. He found out I was from Iowa and immediately broke into all the Iowa-centric facts that he knew. Did you know we’re known for potatoes?” Alec sneered, looking at me with irritated incredulity.

“Like Idaho? As in Idaho potatoes? Was he from a different country?”

“Well, California.” He said, shrugging, “I don’t know. It only got worse from there.”

“Was this a real date or a meeting to exchange pleasantries before bumping uglies?” I asked, peeling off the harness and thong. I winced when I was finally free. There were some tender parts of my body that had not been treated with enough respect. Maybe I’d just throw the whole ensemble away.

Alec threw me a look before turning away, “You could warn me before you whip your dick out!”

“Sorry, I don’t usually get complaints.” I jumped into the softest pair of sweats that I owned and stretched my arms above my head, “It’s safe now. Whiney bitch. Not like you haven’t seen it before.”

“River, seeing you while taking pictures is different.”

“Anyway, what happened with this date to make it go so wrong? Other than his ignorant, but perhaps well-meaning crop mixup.”

“He was just,” Alec made a frustrated noise, “I don’t even know how to describe it. He just annoyed me. By the end of dinner, I was ready to crawl out the bathroom window.”

“Come on. He wasn’t that bad, was he?”

“He chewed with his mouth open.”

“Oh, god.”

“He was rude to the waitress.”

“Unforgivable. Honestly.”

“He didn’t bring money.”

“What?” Alec glared at me when my volume went fair too high. I stared at him, “He knew this was a date. He knew you were going out to eat. Just confirming here.”

“He picked the restaurant!” Alec yelled, flailing his hands about and jerking the camera through the air in a way that made my bank account nervous.

“Alright, so he was a puke. Someone else will come along.”

Alec was quiet for a long few minutes and I used the time to pull my shirt over my head. Then I went back to picking at my hair as I catalogued the slight expression and body language changes Alec was exhibiting. I frowned. He was already frowning. It was bordering on a grimace. His arm had come around his waist, holding himself subtly with the hand not holding the camera.

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. I’m getting sick of it all. I don’t want to date anymore. I have an awesome job, a great house, I have…you. Maybe love just wasn’t in the cards for me.”

Something sharp twinged in my chest, but I forced it away, stepping closer to my friend. I snatched the camera and set it on the bed before folding him into my arms. He’d voiced one of my current worst fears, but I didn’t have time to be upset. Not when Alec looked like he was going to disassociate or cry. Whichever happened first. I rested my head against his and swayed us slowly.

“You’re meant to have everything good in the world. This specific thing just hasn’t found you yet.”

He was tense against me and my thoughts strayed. All the way back to when we were kids in high school. It felt stupid, but I’d never seen Alec look at anyone the way he’d looked at his high school boyfriend. I’d always liked the guy, but somewhere between now and then, his name had become a four-letter word. We didn’t talk about it. We didn’t talk about how Alec had been destroyed for months. I definitely didn’t talk about how I’d periodically checked on his ex as well. He was a good guy. It’d just gone violently off the rails.

I felt his arms come around me and I tightened my hold, feeling his heartbeat against mine. I thought about Alec and his doomed first love more often than I should. It made me wonder. It made me consider a devastatingly painful truth. One that I wouldn’t except. But as I held him, the ugly thought popped up anyway. What if we only got the one person? The one other human in the world who was made specifically for us. What if Alec had met his and lost him?

Fingers gripped at my shirt and I dispelled the thoughts. It wasn’t possible. I refused to believe that Alec was doomed to be alone because he’d been unable to make a relationship work at seventeen. I didn’t do anything right at seventeen. Let alone build a long-lasting bond with my soulmate. Sure, some adults made high school sweethearts last but I didn’t think that happened for gay couples in small rural towns. Fairytales like that didn’t come true for people like us. With our proclivities, we were lucky we weren’t stoned on sight. Or at least, I’m pretty sure Alec’s mother’s said something to that effect once.

“I gotta go. I’m starting another project. This one shouldn’t be as crazy as the last one.”

“Alec…”

“I swear! I’ll take better care of myself this time. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. It hadn’t been that bad for a long time. They tried a new medication that was supposed to play better with my anxiety meds. There’ll be an adjustment period, but I’m back on my old stuff now.” He grinned.

It wasn’t right. He was saying the right things, in the right voice, but I knew him. It was strained and he was doing this for my benefit. It wasn’t fair to get angry. I did the same thing to the people I loved too. It was a defense mechanism. You feel less like a burden when you’re not constantly admitting to everything that ails you. Mental health was such a bitch. The stigma that came along with her wasn’t great either. Also, there was the trauma.

“River, seriously, I’m okay. Please stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” I asked, my head tilting to the right.

“Like you’re stripping away my skin, muscles, and bone so you can analyze my soul. I fucking hate it when you do that.”

I paused. I wasn’t aware I did that. My head tilted the other way. There was a new “friend” of mine who had the ability as well. Maybe that was why I liked him. I recognized another, fellow psycho. Glancing away from Alec, I pushed those thoughts away. As if I thought Alec would know what and who I was thinking about. With his mental health struggles and stress, he hadn’t brought the situation up again. If I gave it a bit longer, I was hoping he’d forget entirely. We weren’t going to be meeting regularly, so the hope was that I’d never have to explain this new dynamic to one of my most judgmental friends.

“Bye River! I swear I’ll be fine! I’ll send over the edited pics by the end of the night.”

As much as I doubted his words, I watched him wave and duck out the hotel door. I sat back on the bed, my eyes roaming over the pieces of my outfit on the floor. In the bathroom, various products were thrown haphazardly across the vanity. I had the hotel for the night and as I sank back in the plush blankets, I sighed. I needed to combat my own issues, fix Alec’s for him, and figure out how this thing was Kenji was going to work. I didn’t know where to start.

I’d been nervous on plenty of Sundays. You didn’t grow up gay, in a Christian household without feeling some type of way when you had to go to church. Crippling religious guilt and struggling with my personal identity should make me feel better. Surely if I could survive that, I could weather this. Nope. My mind was trying to convince me I had never been this nervous before. My stomach was busy tying itself in knots, my palms were sweaty, and I could feel my heart rate skyrocketing as I descended to the street from my apartment.

It was drizzling a bit, not that it mattered. As soon as I left the building, an umbrella appeared over my head and a severe looking man nodded at me. He opened the door to the car whilst still holding it over my head. Kenji was waiting, reclined comfortably against supple leather seats that felt way too nice to seat my ass on. I scooted in next to him and the umbrella snapped shut and the door closed. Kenji slid his phone into his suit pocket and raised an eyebrow at me.

“Wow, you pay people to hold umbrellas for you and get your doors too? Do you have to do anything yourself? I suppose you feed yourself. I’ve seen you do that. Do you cook though?” I couldn’t stop. My mouth was open and all my nerves were dumping out in inelegant word vomit.

Kenji’s head tilted fractionally, “You’re nervous.”

“You’re observant.” I said and was thankful that he kept talking so I couldn’t start up again.

“Are you worried about the scene or just being intimate for the first time?” He seemed to think for a moment, then added, “Or perhaps something else is unsettling you.”

I was so used to people beating around the bush. Myself included. While it threw me off to have him voice my concerns aloud, it was almost nice? I didn’t have to think of the right way to say it. There was no pressure to save his feelings or “go easy on him”. I had a feeling Kenji was going to be honest and direct throughout all our interactions, and this felt like a switch had been flipped so I could do the same.

“Appointments for sex is new for me. Along with this…uh, lifestyle? I’m not sure what to expect.”

He waited for me to finish and gave me plenty of time to add on before answering, “We’re going to a hotel. I figured we’d start with one of the tamer interests we both share. I assume we’ll have some variation of sex. How far we go is your choice obviously.”

“Obviously? But you’re in charge.”

He frowned softly, “This type of relationship is…special. While, yes, I will have a certain level of control, you have more say and power than you think you do. You’re the one choosing to hand responsibility over to me. You can yank your consent or control back whenever you want. We’re both getting something out of this, and we’re also both giving something as well.”

I sat quietly for a moment and Kenji didn’t seem to feel the need to rush an answer out of me. I played with the straps crisscrossing my chest as I digested what he said. I was wearing a simple black button down under a harness with multiple straps over my abdomen and simple black cargo pants and boots. I had a headband holding my wealth of pink hair away from my face and that was it. Pretty simple. Focusing on my clothes helped me gather my thoughts. He’d laid the schedule all out for me and I found it had helped.

“We’re here, but River, you can leave whenever you want. You can leave right now if you’re uncomfortable. My driver will take you home or wherever you want to go.”

He met my eyes and opened his door, stepping out into the rain. I heard the sound of an umbrella and jumped a bit when my door was opened. It was Kenji instead of the guy from before. He was holding an umbrella and then he held his hand out to me. I swallowed as I stared at his hand.

What’s it gonna be River? Time to put up or shut up.

The hotel room was fancy. Which with my limited knowledge of Kenji really caught me off guard. Not. I took in every detail while Kenji took off his wool coat, throwing it over the couch. It was a suite and he considered me while he shrugged off his suit coat too. Then he rolled up first his left sleeve and then the right, baring heavily tattooed forearms. Oh no, he’d gotten hotter. How was I meant to deal with this?

His chin tilted up a bit as he studied me, “I’m going to go in the bedroom. Come in when you’re ready.”

“Alright.” My voice was an embarrassing croak.

“And River?” He’d paused in the door, looking at me over his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“Take the harness off.”

I was struggling. My breathing and heart rate had picked up and I was frozen to the spot in the middle of the hotel room. Pulling myself together, I slowly slid my fingers over the straps of the harness until they reached the buckles. I undid them, still feeling like I was moving in show motion. Once the harness loosened, I yanked it off and dropped it to the floor. Still stalling, I fixed a stray piece of hair that'd escaped my headband and forced myself to take the few steps into the other room. Kenji was sitting on the end of the bed, back straight and hands hanging between his legs.

“Nervous again? Or still?"

“Oh no. I meet stupidly hot men in fancy hotels to carry out kinky shit all the time. This isn’t totally new and nerve wracking for me at all.” I snarked.

Kenji leaned forward and grabbed my wrist. Before I knew it, I was in his lap, looking down at him. The urge to close the distance and kiss him rose and I had to beat it back. Shit, was that going to be an issue for me? What would that mean? He didn’t want kissing. Which was lame, but I'd respect his boundaries.

“You don’t focus easily, hm?” Fingers gripped my chin and tipped it to the side.

“Well, maybe if you actually gave me something worth focus-“

His fingers slid down and his fingers pressed down on the sides of my neck, cutting off my air. It wasn’t scary, I could still breathe, but it startled me into silence. A low, pleasant hum started in my brain when he added pressure. I now couldn’t take a full deep breath, just little ones. The hum grew in my brain, displacing my normally frantic thoughts.

“That wasn’t so hard.” Kenji was studying me; his head tilted a bit to the right. He let go and my lungs dragged oxygen into my body. “Who knew it’d be so easy to get you to be quiet?”

“Was that it? Weak.” I grinned at him and saw something dark flash in his eyes.

He twisted and I went from his lap to my back on the bed. I even bounced a bit. I watched him unbutton his shirt the rest of the way and I stared as it fell open a bit. He had full sleeves that crept down over his pecs and stretched all the way down to his hips. Irezumi. There was the normal, heavy black work and on the left side, a golden koi and on the other a foo dog. They were beautiful, the work detailed and precise. I didn’t have much time to ponder them, or the impressive abs, because I was stripped of my shirt and pants.

I heard a sharp intake of breath and grinned, “Underwear messes up the lines of my outfits.”

“How pragmatic.”

My back arched and I looked up at the ceiling, feeling odd and a bit out of place. I had a very attractive necklace, made of five long, clever fingers. I had a very positive opinion of Kenji’s fingers now as they slid in and out of me, hitting all the right places. I gasped out a moan, the sound getting cut off by the fingers tightening around my neck.

“River?” His gorgeous face filled my vision. There were pieces of his hair falling onto his forehead and it was strangely satisfying to see that he wasn’t always perfect.

“Nngh?”

I felt like I should be embarrassed. Some part of me thought that the noises this man tore from me weren’t normal. I almost sounded wounded. Mortified, I tried to clear my head a little. The problem was, I didn’t want to. I was blissed out. I had registered a while ago that I was hard and making a mess of my stomach, but my focus had narrowed down very quickly to him limiting my air and the fingers stroking over my prostate. My head was so quiet. I felt like I was floating on a cloud.

His thumb stroked my jaw lightly now. He’d released my throat. There was no way he knew I used that simple touch on myself to self-soothe. No one else had done this to me and it dropped me into a weird feeling. I’d gone from lounging on my own personal cloud, to submerged in it.

“Look at me.”

“Make me.” I mumbled, struggling to open my eyes.

“Do you need to use your safe word?”

“No, why?” I jerked a bit. Was I doing this wrong? Was I supposed to be acting different?

“Calm down. You’re alright.” The fingers were back at my jaw, thumb stroking gently, “You’re doing so well. You're perfect."

I made another noise and surfaced from my cloud long enough to preen at the praise. There was a soft chuckle, “Well, I suppose we can change the question marks you put by praise on the sheets.”

“Mm?”

He didn’t answer. His lips moved up my neck in gently kisses as he pushed one of my legs to my chest and then he was sliding in. My hands slapped around and I heard myself whimper until his hand found one of my flailing ones. I calmed immediately and guided his hand back to my neck. The pressure returned, he cut off my air a bit as he slammed into me.

I didn’t know what planet I was on. I didn’t possess enough coherency to form thoughts. My nails gripped something firm and it gave me enough leverage to meet the rough thrusts. Somewhere, my mostly absent brain supplied: shoulders. I was gripping his shoulders, short nails digging into his skin. He let my leg go and I wrapped them around his waist. I held on and when my orgasm hit, everything went white and then black.

Gentle fingers were touching my jaw but I didn’t want to be pulled from wherever I was. I’d descended into a safe little pocket where time and space didn’t matter. The touches continued and I let out a soft noise of displeasure as I felt myself being moved. There was warmth and then more light touches.

“River. Wake up.”

The voice was nice. Deep, quiet, but not necessarily soft. I wrapped my arms around myself and whined when my whole world shifted. I finally blinked my eyes open and tried to remember…anything really. I was in a hotel. Yes. With…It dawned on me that I was curled up against Kenji's side. I was bundled under the covers and the lights in the hotel room were low.

“Do you want some water?”

“What fucking year is it?” I grumbled, flopping over onto my back.

Blinking, I stared up at the ceiling. My whole body was loose, relaxed, clean, and my brain was quiet. There were some thoughts popping up, but I wasn’t being curb stomped by a constant flow of worries and responsibilities. There was the slight ache in my lower body that I became aware of very slowly. I glanced back at Kenji. His hair was perfect again, shirt rebuttoned. While I was River soup on the bed.

“You seem to be adjusted now. How do you feel?”

“Like you choked my brain out of my body. I came so hard that any remains of my brain left and you blew my back out.”

His head tilted in the way I was beginning to associate with him thinking, “I can’t tell if you’re happy about it.”

“Oh no, ten out of ten, would recommend. I will never be the same. I feel amazing.”

“Good. Do you need anything?” He stood from the bed and something shifted. I had no doubt that he’d do whatever I needed, but the man also had one foot out the door.

“No,” I pulled myself into a sitting position, “I’m an adult. I can take care of myself now.”

“That’s not the point. After scenes, subs nee-“

“I’m fine Kenji. You’re free to go.”

He frowned softly, but then nodded and left the room. I tracked his footsteps through the suite and then he was in the doorway again, fully dressed now including his coat, “You’re sure I can’t do anything for you?"

“I’m a big boy. I’m fine. Really. Let me know when you want to meet up next. We both know what this is.”

It took a few more seconds for him to decide but then he left the doorway and I heard the door to the suite open and close. I pulled my knees up and let my head fall against them. We both knew what this was, yes. After one meeting or scene, I was in trouble. My mind kept cycling the feeling of fingers brushing my jaw slowly and soothingly through my head.