Trash Polka - 20. Chapter 20

I hadn’t heard much from Alec all day and while I was concerned, I’d also been thoroughly distracted by my mother dragging me around all day. I swear, I’d been paraded around every public area possible and as embarrassing as it was, it was also responsible partly for the warm feeling in my chest. My mother knew everyone in our town. Sunnyside was like that. She had seemingly made it her mission to show me off to everyone who recognized us, singing my praises to everyone who would listen. A few people who didn't want to as well.

I’d spent the day with my cheeks flaming, waving awkwardly at people, but something in me had shifted. My mother was genuinely proud of me. She’d acted like I brought home a Nobel Peace prize even though I was covered in tattoos, wearing strange clothing, and made my way as a tattoo artist. My mother had been glowing all day. Seeing how much she had changed had started to heal something inside me. She’d walked with me arm in arm and had seemed over the moon to have me with her. Which she was. She said so.

“I’m just so glad you’re here baby. I wish the circumstances were better, but it’s been a blessing in disguise. Though, I do hope poor Alec will be alright.”

“It’s…actually nice to be back.” I swallowed hard as she beamed at me, “I’ve missed you.”

She looked away for a moment and I saw her gather herself, “I’ve missed you too River. I’m so thankful you’ve given me another chance.”

To my utter shock, there was now a gay bar in the town next to Sunnyside and that’d been the last trip on my mother’s itinerary. If you would have told me I’d be sitting in a gay bar with my mother, I would’ve laughed in your face. But it happened. In her embroidered sweater and sensible, greying bob, Julie sat in the middle of the club. I sat in shock as people in the club-patrons and employees-knew her. Some of them even called her “Mama Julie”.

“When I realized how wrong I’d raised you, I reached out. I met a lot of people who helped me see things from a completely different point of view. Then I realized that many of the boys and girls who came here had been mistreated as well. So, sometimes I come just to listen and give some hugs.”

I’d stared at her for a solid thirty seconds in which she almost looked shy. Then there was pressure behind my eyelids and I thought I was going to burst into tears in the middle of a gay club. I couldn’t believe this was the woman who raised me. I couldn’t wrap my head around all the work she’d apparently been doing for me. For us to have a relationship. I kept it together but just barely. Luckily, the mood was broken when she started trying to set me up with some of the club’s regulars.
Moving on from the shock I was still feeling after my mother flipped the script, I felt a pang of guilt. I should reach out to Alec. Check on him. I’m sure today had been rough, but it’d been a lot for me too. I curled up in bed, ignoring the three text messages on my phone. Closing my eyes, I tried to ignore the voice in the back of my head that I was being selfish. I’d deal with it tomorrow. As for today, I was exhausted.

Oddly enough, I felt hung over. Was it possible to have a hangover from too many emotions at once? I’d managed to make myself presentable and eat room service breakfast before leaving my hotel room and padding over to Alec’s down the hall. It didn’t take him long to answer the door and I waved.

“What happened to you?” He asked as he held open the door.

“There’s a gay bar in this town. Let me tell you, I never thought I’d be in one with my mother.” I said, still trying to process it all.

“What? No way.” Alec laughed, grabbing a juice from his little table. It looked like I’d walked in right as he’d started his own breakfast.

“She insisted. She wanted me to ‘be comfortable’ which translated to embarrassing me completely. She meant well though.” I couldn’t stop smiling, remembering how my mother had looked at me yesterday. I still felt the tight hug she’d given me as she’d dropped me off at the hotel.

“She loves you.”

“We should send your mother a memo. That’s what they’re supposed to do, friend.”

Alec was frowning now and that stab of guilt appeared again, “What’re your plans for today?”

“Create chaos? Paint the town black? Summon Satan?” I shrugged, trying to lighten the mood, “You know, casual weekday activities.”

As I watched, Alec got a strange look on his face and rubbed his palm against his cheek. I started to pay more attention, my eyes narrowing. He was holding his body strangely, his posture trying for closed-off. My eyes flicked down to one of his feet touching to the other, his free arm was wrapped around his waist. No, he wasn’t going for closed-off. He was trying his hardest to look casual. He was trying to hide something. He saw the moment I pieced it together and winced. I watched as he walked forward, sprawling out on the bed.

“I called Finn.” He mumbled into the mattress. My brain stuttered for a moment and then I was moving forward. I crawled onto the bed next to him. My brain had kicked into gear and I was trying to predict what he’d say next. When had he managed to get Finn's phone number? I felt like I'd skipped chapter in a book and had been dropped right in the middle of an important scene.

“So…you’re back together?” I asked.

“No. River. It’s a bad idea. You even said that.” I watched him roll over, a frown on his face again.

“Well, Alec my sweet, it could be bad. Let’s think about this-“

“Let’s not.” He interrupted me as he sat up.

“One, don’t interrupt your elders, it’s rude. Two, you’re building yourself up and freaking out for a whole bunch of what ifs. I think there’s more going on here, Alec.” It was getting to the point where I didn’t know how to help him. Did he want to start something with Finn or had he decided it was a catastrophic idea? He kept flip-flopping almost violently.

“There’s nothing else going on.” I watched him cross his arms over his chest like a toddler and I felt my sympathy dissipating quickly.

“You know, you don’t get better at communicating when you refuse to do so. You’ve been working on that for a long time.” I said, not caring when he visibly flinched at the harshness my words were taking on.

“River just leave me alone. I can’t do this right now.”

“When are you going to do it then? Seems like now is the perfect time.” My patience was almost completely gone by this point.

“I don’t want to.” I thought for a moment, knowing he was struggling, but then I doubled down. This circular thinking, while I could understand and relate, it was getting old.

“Of course you don’t want to. That’s why you need to. You have a therapy appointment, right? Make sure you tell her what’s actually going on. You’re spiraling and I’m starting to think coming home wasn’t the best idea.”

“I’m fine. I can handle it. I’ve handled worse.” He shrugged me off.

“Yes, but you’re out of your comfort zone. You made a safe little nest for yourself in Washington, but you don’t have that here and this is the…source, I guess, of a lot of your trauma.”

“I’ll talk to the therapist about it.”

“Good. You’ll mention Finn and his advances as well?” I moved over, rubbing his back gently.

“No. I’m not staying. I’m going to talk to him about what happened, but after that we’re done.”

“Alec-“

“Listen, I appreciate how much you do for me but I can’t do what you all seem to want. Finn and I need to be done.”

I’d moved my careful ministrations to his messy blue strands, “I’m not saying you have to get back with Finn and move in next week. I just want everything good for you. I want you to be happy because I love you like a little brother.”

When his expression grew more pained but he remained silent, I went on, “What are you so afraid of? You’re too smart for this. You don’t even have a good reason not to entertain Finn. He’s a good guy and he’s obviously been carrying a torch for you this entire time. Give him a shot. Who knows?”

He went zero to sixty real quick and the next thing I knew, he was yelling, “What good would come of it? This isn’t my home. Finn has a life here but I don’t. He deserves better. I can’t move myself into his life and ruin it! I’m still crazy! I can still barely communicate my wants and needs! There’s a reason I’ve never had a long-term partner, River. There’s too much wrong with me! I can’t make it work. No one will want to deal with me the way I am. I don’t deserve someone like that!”

I didn’t have words. I knew that both of us had issues with self-confidence and insecurity, but I hadn’t realized I wasn't the only one struggling with severe self-loathing. It made sense. Of course it did. His parents had created his mental image of himself. I just couldn’t imagine any of my absolutely perfect friends hating themselves. How did they not see how good they were? How much the planet needed them? I was reminded of how crucial they were every time we were together. But here Alec was, claiming he was too broken to appeal to anyone. It broke my heart.

“Alec, whether it’s with Finn or not, you’ll find that kind of relationship. It kills me that you don’t think you deserve it. When’s your appointment?” I wanted to cry, but the alarm bells in my head took over. Alec was very clearly in crisis and he needed help now.

Alec checked his phone, “In a couple hours.”

“Do you want me to stay in here for it? Moral support? I can take a nap so I don’t even hear you. I’ll put on my headphones too. Noise cancelling.” I motioned to him and my friend scooted across the bed and into my arms.

“I’ll be okay but thank you.” Emotions flickered across his face and I watched him wage his internal wars quietly for a long moment before I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to fix this. I had to help. I couldn’t let him stay this way. It was destroying me.

“Okay. Right now, we’re getting unhealthy food, and you can help me formulate a message to Person A.”

Alec shook his head, standing to throw on whatever clothes he grabbed first, “There’s not a reason you’re keeping him a secret is there? I haven’t done something, right?”

“Would you stop? No! You haven’t done anything wrong, he’s just super private.” I tried to play it as casual as possible, throwing in a shrug for good measure. Even though a thousand thoughts ran through my head. Had I told Alec his name? I didn’t think so. He was just the shitty shop customer turned picture customer, “His name’s Ken. He’s a little older than I am.”

“Is he cute?” Alec asked, tying his shoelaces.

The gall. Who did he think I was? I scoffed, “Duh. He’s hot. That’s why I’m in over my head.”

“What’s he do?” Alec asked as he straightened.

“Uh…business?” I grinned, trying not to reveal how weird it felt that I had feelings for the man and didn’t really know the specifics of his life. The normal stuff. I could tell Alec explicitly what he liked in the bedroom, but his favorite food or color? I had nothing.

“You don’t know?” Alec laughed and raised an eyebrow, “What did you sell him some high-quality nudes and the man was like, ‘yep, this one’s mine!’ You’re such a dork, Riv.”

When I didn’t answer, Alec glanced over as he opened the hotel door. I rubbed my fingers along my jaw as I got nervous and stared at the ceiling. How much would Alec put together? When he spoke, I’ll admit I was a bit relieved. Maybe it was because he just had so much going on, but Alec seemed to be connecting zero dots.

He groaned, “Oh god. You have sent him pictures? Did he pay for them?”

I laughed, “I mean he paid in a way. He’s taken some too. You know the shoot where I had the crown and jewels?”

“What the hell? I liked that one. I figured you just propped the phone up or something. So he knows you take pictures. That’s good.” I watched him nod and tried to beat back my panic as we walked to the elevator. I was sure that at any second he’d figure it out.

“I suppose so. It’s a deal breaker for a lot of people.” I said softly. It definitely hadn’t been a deal breaker for him. I could still remember those dark eyes on me as he’d helped with the pictures. I could also remember how sore I’d been the next day.

“Alright, so I know his name’s Ken. I know you have feelings for him, but that’s not the agreement you had when you first started meeting. Also, he’s helped with the part time job and is okay with it. So far he sounds okay. What’s on your mind?” Alec asked as he linked our fingers and swung our conjoined arms.

“He’s older. He’s more serious. He’s good to me. He’s so motherfreaking hot I can’t stand it. Then, uh ya know, the sex is ridiculous.” I flexed my fingers and found myself sighing yet again.

“These are all good things, so what’s worrying you?”

“He drew a deep line between us. I want more but I don’t think he does and I don’t know much about him. He keeps me farther than arms’ length away.” I left out that, in all fairness, we’d both drawn the line. I also didn't mention that I was starting to convince myself that Kenji might have feelings. Otherwise, what was this ominous conversation he wanted to have?

We were quiet for a while as we settled in the restaurant and ordered food. Telling half-truths to Alec was harder than just omitting the truth entirely. A part of me was a bit thrown off by his utter failure to figure out what I’d been up to. We’d had conversations about Kenji. Maybe I hadn’t dropped his name, but Alec seemed oblivious. He didn’t even seem upset that Kenji was a customer. Had he just decided it was fine or was he so deep in his head he wasn’t even hearing me fully? I didn’t have a right to be upset. I was lying. I’d been keeping things from him for months now.

“Have you called him or texted since we left?” Alec asked finally.

I drank some water to stall, “I’ve been answering his messages, but in a very monosyllabic way. He’s already called me out on it and I feel like a petty teenage girl.”

“That’s unlike you.” Alec said.

“I know! I’m so much better than this. You’re rubbing off on me.” I laughed and I didn’t miss Alec’s uneasy smile, “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by that.”

“I know River. Listen, if you like the guy and he’s trying to get ahold of you and calling you out for not answering normally, maybe you just need to tell him.” Alec smiled like it was the easiest thing in the world.

“I wanted to do it in person, but I’ve no idea how long you need me here. You’re probably right. I should call him.” Alec ate a bit and remained quiet and I pushed myself to speak.

“Well, if I’m going to slay my dragon, I think you need to as well. C’mon we’ll make these jumps together. That way if we fall, I still have your sorry ass and you have mine. We’ll have a buddy to sit on the couch with and cry into a half gallon of ice cream.” I laughed and smiled at him

Alec took a deep breath, “Can I think about it? I’ll talk with my therapist about all of it.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”