The Freshmen - 15. Chapter 15

September 3, 2004

Stanford University Hospital

Palo Alto, CA

Brad

“I could have just met you,” Jack said, as I escorted him out the door.

“I wanted to show off my new car,” I said. I was kind of joking, but not really: this thing was cool. He stopped and stared at the vehicle in front of him.

“What’s so special about this? Looks like the typical Cadillac Escalade limo,” he said.

“Ah, but you haven’t been inside yet,” I said. The driver came around and opened the door, then guided us both in.

“What the fuck is this?” he asked because it looked nothing like a normal limo. There were only two seats, and the one on the right side of the car was significantly bigger.

“It’s my rolling office,” I said, making him laugh. “It’s completely sealed off from the driver.”

“Your rolling office?”

“I realized that most of the time I’m driving, I’m stuck in traffic,” I explained. “The Porsche is not fun to drive in traffic, so I decided that if I got this, I could work in the car.”

“So where’s your desk?” he asked.

“Right here,” I said. I sat in the large chair and opened a panel on the left armrest. I pushed a button, motors began to whir, and a table descended from the ceiling. It rested snugly on the edge of my chair and on two other pedestals near the front, then more motors whirred as those supports firmly seated and secured the desktop. I flipped open the right armrest, and it turned into a mouse pad.

“You have a mouse pad, but where’s your computer?” he asked.

“Watch this,” I said. I pushed another button and a monitor detached from the barrier separating me from the driver and moved towards me on an extendable arm so it was hovering over the table. I reached into a sleeve on the left side of the chair and pulled out a wireless keyboard. “I just plug my flash drive into this slot and I have all of my files on the computer.”

“That is pretty kick ass,” he said. The Escalade started moving as we headed to lunch. “This thing is really quiet.”

“There’s massive sound insulation, plus the windows are bulletproof and that means they’re really thick,” I noted.

“You are that unpopular that you need bulletproof windows?” he asked playfully.

“I’m as surprised about that as you are,” I said, “but based on the shit that happened last year at Goodwell, I’m thinking that it’s not a bad idea.”

“What’s back there?” he asked, gesturing at the other wall between my back and the cargo area.

“There’s another compartment back there with a seat in case I need to haul other people around, or it can be used for luggage,” I said.

“With the windows tinted like this, it’s like you’re in a cocoon,” he said.

I nodded. “There’s no way people can see in, and while I can see out, as you said, it’s pretty dark. I just pretend it’s night.”

“That could work,” he said, then raised an eyebrow. “You could have some major sex in this thing.”

“I could,” I said, then winked at him. “I probably will.” We both laughed at that.

“I think it’s impressive that you planned this all out so you can be more productive,” he said.

“When I drive back up to the City, I usually get there and still have shit to do,” I said. “I’m hoping that this way I can knock out my work so when I get there, I can just relax.”

“That makes sense,” he said, pondering how that might work.

“And when I go to work in the morning, I have plenty of time to get things done and get ready for my day,” I added.

“It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you throw money at a problem,” he said.

“We’ll see how it works out,” I said.

“Does Jake like it?” he asked.

“Well, he hasn’t seen it yet, but he likes the idea,” I explained. “It makes him feel guilty when we stay up in the City and I have to waste so much time trudging up and down 280 or 101. This way, he doesn’t have to feel so bad.”

“What did your sons think about this?” he asked.

“They don’t know about it yet,” I said. I didn’t think they would care. “I’ll show Will when he gets home, and Darius when he comes up to visit. If I show it to JJ, he’ll get jealous because it’s cooler than his Maybach.”

“Probably,” he said, and we chuckled at JJ’s appreciation for the ultimate in luxury. We bullshitted about the car, playing with all the buttons and shit, until we got to the restaurant. I’d picked a pub with good burgers, since that seemed like the kind of place to go with your straight brother-in-law. We got out and people barely glanced at us, because this looked like a typical Escalade limo. “You don’t attract too much attention.”

“I think that’s a good thing,” I said. “I’m not Stef.”

“He’d want something a little flashier,” Jack said, because Stef was all about appearances.

“He’s working on that.”

“Really?” he asked.

“I’ll let him surprise you,” I said. I had a reservation so they seated us in a nice booth in the back. “I heard you had a good time in Greece.”

“Who’d you hear that from?” he asked.

“Claire,” I said, and he smiled.

“It was incredible,” he gushed, which was so out of character for him. “I have always loved Claire, but in Athens I fell in love with her all over again.”

“That’s awesome!” I said.

“We talked a lot, and I told her about my deal with Jessica, and she told me about Craig Arundel and Scott Slater,” he said. “I felt like we totally cleared the air.”

“So are you two still getting divorced?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No way. I wanted to try this open relationship thing, and I was skeptical that it would work, but after our time in Athens, I think that we can handle it.” I stared at him, stunned at how they were on such different pages.

“You still want to see Jessica?” I asked.

“Well, yeah,” he said. “She’s really fun. She doesn’t want anything from me except a good time. There’s no pressure, no emotional bullshit, just really good sex.”

“You were willing to give her up a month ago if it meant you could get back together with Claire,” I said.

“Brad, that woman will do anything I want to do with her,” he said. “She gets completely unhinged when we fuck. That’s tough to give up.”

I swallowed hard. “I don’t think you can have it both ways on this one.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, and his whole mood changed. “Claire seemed fine with things.”

“I’m just speculating,” I said, to put in a disclaimer. “I’m going to guess that Claire was fine with what happened, but I don’t think she’s fine with it continuing.”

“You think she’s going to give me an ultimatum?” he asked, acting outraged.

“That’s not a fair way to put it,” I objected. “I think she’s at the point where if you want to be with her, she can put all this behind her, but if you want to keep seeing Jessica, she can’t.”

“That sounds like an ultimatum to me,” he said.

“I feel like you’re Robbie and I’m having the same argument I had with him,” I said, losing my patience with him. “You cheated on her, you put her through hell.”

“I should have known you’d take her side,” he said.

“Look, asshole, it’s not about sides; it’s about facts,” I snapped. “Tell me where what I said was wrong.”

“So she can’t deal with things like they are?” he asked.

“No, she can’t,” I said firmly. “You tore her up. She’s let you back into her heart, but if you can’t be with just her, she’s done.”

“That’s not how I thought things were,” he said, and seemed pretty deflated.

“So is fooling around with Jessica, and other women who come along, worth giving up Claire?” I challenged.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m trying to decide if I can be happy like that. I feel like I’ve been let out of my cage, and I don’t know if I want to go back there.”

“When Robbie did this, my ego was shattered,” I said. “The whole time we went through that nightmare, it ripped me up that I wasn’t enough for him.”

“That’s you, not Claire,” he said dogmatically.

Somehow I managed to stay calm. “True, but the same emotion, pride, was driving me just like it’s driving her,” I explained. “You’ll make her feel inadequate and unworthy.”

“Just because I want to have some fun on the side?” he demanded.

“Yes,” I said succinctly. “You’re telling her she’s not enough to make you happy. You’re telling her that you need someone else to make up for her inadequacies. How would you feel if she told you that?”

“It’s not like that,” he said, almost a whine.

“Okay, I’m not a shrink, so it’s weird for me to talk like one, but when you talked about Jessica, you didn’t say anything about her as a person; you talked about what a good fuck she is.”

“I mean, she’s a nice person,” he said, not getting my point.

“Why can’t you help Claire do the same things that Jessica does?” I asked.

“Claire is different,” he said. “This is a weird conversation for us to have, since she’s your sister.”

“Do you mean because Jessica is younger?” I asked. He gave me a hateful look, but I just stared back at him in a smarmy way.

“That’s not it,” he insisted, but we both knew that was a big part of it.

“So in addition to not being able to satisfy you, she’s got to grapple with the fact that her body isn’t as taut as it used to be. She has to deal with being rejected because she’s older,” I said. “You seriously wonder why she has a problem with this?”

“I have gotten to a place where I am really happy,” he said. “I thought Claire was too. I’m not sure I can go back to the way things were. I’m not sure I can promise to be faithful and live up to that commitment.”

“Then you shouldn’t make it,” I said. “But you should know that the price for your sexual freedom, the cost to keep your young side piece, is going to be really fucking expensive.”

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, probably thinking I was talking about money.

“You will lose Claire, and you’re going to lose your family too,” I said.

“I’m going to lose my family?” he challenged.

“How do you think Marie and John will react to this?” I demanded a little too loudly. “Marie was in Greece with you. She probably thinks things are peachy keen with you two. She’s your biggest champion.”

“It’s not reasonable for me to have to live my life the way they want me to,” he snapped back rudely.

“Then they will explain things to you in a very unpleasant way,” I said, shaking my head at him, and pondering how my sons did that to me when I went off the rails.

“Don’t sit there, judging me,” he almost shouted. “Don’t act all high and mighty. You’ve fucked up in your relationships before.”

“I have fucked up my relationships before, but I have not been disloyal, and I have not ripped my family apart because I was thinking with my dick,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Didn’t you do just that with Jake a couple of months ago?” he challenged. “And didn’t you do that when you walled yourself off with Marc?”

“Alright, maybe I did,” I said. “You’re right. I think we’ve already established that I have no moral authority. That doesn’t change anything.”

“I just don’t want to sit here and get lectured by you on how to be the perfect partner when you haven’t been that either,” he said.

“Fuck you, Jack,” I said. The waitress brought our food, and that calmed us down a little bit. As soon as she left, I got back on topic. “This isn’t about me at all, but I’ve been through this. I’ve been where Claire was, where I was a loving and devoted partner and I got shit on. And I fucking forgave Robbie for that bullshit only to have him do it again, and again.”

“You still sound pissed about it,” he said.

“I’m not pissed off at Robbie anymore, but I’m still mad about what I had to go through,” I said, then sighed. “If Robbie were still alive, we wouldn’t be together.”

“Seriously?” he asked, pretty shocked.

“Seriously,” I said. “His need for new dick was too tough for me to take. All the emotional bullshit he put me through, you’re doing the same thing to Claire.”

“It’s not that easy,” he said more softly.

“You have two clear choices in front of you,” I said. “You can go back to how things were with Claire, make her the center of your life, and grow old with her. You can repair the damage this has done to your family. Or you can keep on fucking Jessica, or whoever else comes along. You can’t have both.”

“Why isn’t Claire talking to me about this?” he demanded.

“Because she was shredded when she first found out about Jessica, but she’s let you back into her heart. She can’t handle a conversation like this with you. It’s too high-risk,” I said.

“Sounds like our relationship is already fucked up if we can’t talk about things,” he said.

“I agree, your relationship sounds completely fucked up,” I said. “But not for that reason.”

“I guess I have a lot to think about,” he said.

“The fact that you’re doing that, that you don’t get what the deal is, tells me you already made your decision,” I said, shaking my head at him.

“Christ,” he said, in complete frustration. “I just need to digest this.”

“Alright,” I said. “Ask yourself this. What’s your life going to be like without Claire? How are you going to handle it when you show up for one of John’s concerts and she’s there with her new man? How are you going to feel when she can barely stand to be civil to you? And how are you going to endure the knowing looks of disapproval from your kids? What’s it going to be like when you try to have a conversation with JP and you realize that beneath his smooth veneer, he can barely stand to be in the same room with you? What’s that going to be like?” He blinked at my staccato series of questions.

“It’s going to suck,” he answered.

I got the check, tossed some cash on the table, and led him back to my rolling office. We didn’t say anything until we got back to the hospital. “After I completely fucked things up with Jake a few months ago, he pushed me to go to a marriage counselor. That’s really helped us out. Maybe that’s something you should try.”

“Maybe,” he said. “Thanks for lunch.” A less sincere thank you was hard to envision. He got out and strode back into the hospital, while I just shook my head at him, worried that he was about to completely fuck up his life, and the lives of his family.

September 3, 2004

Harlem, NY

JJ

“You seem agitated,” Dr. Jones said as I sat on one of her chairs that looked so tacky it was like they came from a Macy’s clearance sale. I’d learned that it was impossible to get comfortable in these things.

“Will came into town and messed things up with Kris, just like I knew he would,” I spat bitterly.

“Did he sleep with Kris?” she asked.

“No, even though he acts like he wants to,” I grumbled. “Will came into town with his boyfriend, and they told me they’d be at the condo at 5:45.” I went on to explain how we’d been delayed in greeting them, and that Will and Travis had just taken off.

“What delayed you?” she asked.

I felt myself blushing, and that just infuriated me. “Kris came home early, and we celebrated.”

“You decided to delay going out to greet them so you could have sex?” she asked. I glared at her, but she gave me one of her scary looks, and that calmed my ass down.

“Yes,” I answered.

“How long did they have to wait?”

“They left after fifteen minutes,” I said, almost whining. She just stared at me until I told her the rest. “We were about half an hour late coming out of the room.”

“And you don’t think that’s rude?” she asked.

“I would have thought that they would understand,” I snapped. “But evidently when I was fifteen minutes late greeting my father when he came to visit, he got annoyed, so Will decided to make an issue out of it too.”

“Your father came to visit and you were fifteen minutes late because you were having sex?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said, so annoyed at the situation, and this conversation.

“Then you did the same thing to Will and Travis, only it was actually half an hour that time,” she mused. “I just want to make sure I have this straight.”

“This is where you tell me I’m being an asshole,” I grumbled.

“You are being an asshole,” she said. “A very rude asshole. I’m less worried about that than I am curious about why you did it.”

“I wanted to spend some intimate time with Kris before they got there and fucked up my whole evening,” I said.

“How did Kris react?” she asked.

“He’s mad at me,” I said sadly.

“Why is he mad at you?” Sometimes she seemed like a three-year-old, where she just kept asking ‘why, why, why.’

“Because he didn’t want to be late in the first place, and then when we were, he thought I should apologize and grovel to them,” I said. “He said that when I made us late and it became an issue, I put up a wall between him and my family.”

“A wall?”

“Yeah,” I said. “He seems to think that if we are late like that, it makes it seem like I’m blowing off my family for Kris, and then they’ll worry about our relationship, that I’m too hung up on him, and that I’m ignoring everyone else.”

“But you don’t think that’s the case?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “I don’t think they really care enough to worry about whether I’m all in on Kris or not.”

“JJ, I hear you saying that, but I know that’s just you being defensive,” she said.

“Why would I be defensive?” I challenged.

“How did Kris handle Will and Travis?” she asked, ignoring my question. I told her how he’d called them and apologized and then we’d gone to the lame diner. “That place is a lot of fun, but too expensive for me,” she said, smiling slightly.

I rolled my eyes. “The only fun part was that Travis sang Kokomo, and did it really well. It was a dump. It was crowded and noisy, and everything on the menu was deep-fried.” She just looked at me like I was a total snob.

“It seems to me that the big impetus for these issues is your fear that your family will come in and mess up your relationship,” she said.

“It is,” I said, annoyed at her for being so daft. “That’s what I told you.” One of her fearsome looks calmed me down.

“Did Kris get along with your other family members?” she asked.

“He did,” I grumbled, knowing where this was heading. “You’re going to tell me that I’m creating problems.”

“I am,” she said firmly. “I think we have to tackle two things.”

She waited for my response. “What things?”

“We need to work together to help you understand and grapple with apologizing,” she said.

“I hate to apologize,” I snapped.

“I know that,” she said gently, and I felt myself relaxing. “Do you know why?”

“I don’t like to be wrong,” I said. That seemed so easy. I didn’t know why we had to play 20 fucking questions about it.

“Think of a time you apologized to someone,” she instructed.

I thought about how I’d had to apologize to Stef and Will after being an ass at the fashion show last year. “I remember.”

“How did you feel after you apologized?”

I thought about that for a bit. “Relieved and humiliated. I was relieved because the conflict was over, but humiliated because I had to grovel.”

“You make it seem like it was debasing yourself that made you upset, but I have another theory,” she said. I just looked at her. “It’s possible that the emotion buried in there wasn’t humiliation; it was shame.”

“Shame?” I asked in disdain, as if that would happen.

“In this situation, you may think that apologizing is proof that you are not a good person,” she said.

“I do not think that,” I asserted strongly.

“Then I’m wrong,” she said. “But just so you know, making a mistake and saying you’re sorry does not mean that you are a bad person.”

I glared at her for a few seconds, then opted to change the subject. “You said there were two things.”

“You need to repair the relationships with Kris and your family,” she said.

“I just told you that they like Kris,” I objected.

“I’m not talking about their relationship with each other, I’m talking about your relationship with Kris and your relationship with your family,” she said.

“I don’t think either one of them is damaged all that much,” I said. The thought of what I’d have to do to fix things was painful.

“All that much,” she said, almost taunting me. “Is that good enough for your relationship with Kris?”

I gave her a truly evil look, but she just ignored me. This was maddening. Everyone completely ignored my fury. It made me feel completely inadequate. I was like a lion who roared, and when I did, everyone laughed at me. Miraculously, I got my mind back on topic. “Alright, how do I do that?” She was always so smug about shit; let her figure out a way out of this.

“Take Kris to visit your family,” she said.

“In California?” I asked, freaking out. “Look how badly they’ve impacted Kris and me already! If I take him out there, they’ll destroy us. Shit, Will would probably fuck him.”

“Has Will ever slept with one of your boyfriends?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “He slept with Alex.”

“You weren’t together with Alex when he did that, were you?” she asked.

“Well no, but he knew I still had feelings for Alex,” I said.

“Didn’t you say you had a relationship with John Carullo after Will did?” she asked in a snarky way.

“That was different,” I said, knowing that the use of that phrase was as damning in this situation as it was when my father used it.

“And didn’t Will have a relationship with Kris before you did?” she asked.

“That was just a hookup,” I said.

“So despite the fact that Will has never slept with someone you were dating, you are convinced he’s going to do that?” she asked. She waited for me to respond, and when I didn’t, she continued her thought. “You told me before that he was honest and trustworthy.”

“Fine, I’ll take Kris to California,” I said, even as I grimaced. I left her office in a bad mood, but I was determined to salvage my relationship with Kris. I went to a jeweler and bought Kris a new watch, this one a Patek Philippe. It was expensive, it was beautiful, and it would hopefully replace the Rolex on his wrist. I had them wrap it for me, then went home to wait for him to get off work.

He called me at five, just like he always did. “I’m stuck at work for a while,” he said.

“Do you think you’ll be home soon?” I asked nervously. He usually came home and worked.

“I may be late tonight,” he said, then his tone got meaner. “I told you this was part of the deal, that I work long hours.”

“I know that, and I’m not trying to give you a bad time,” I said, trying to sound as caring as I could. “I just wanted to know what the plan was.”

He was quiet for a few seconds. “I’ll leave now.”

“You don’t have to,” I said. “I’m not trying to pressure you.”

“I’ll see you in a bit,” he said, then ended the call. He was still really mad at me, and that almost made me panic. I could handle it if Will or Darius were pissed off, but not Kris. I began to brainstorm frantically on how to make things right between us, and got Jacinta motivated to make a really romantic dinner for us.

It was approximately 5:45 when Kris got home. “Hey,” he said to me, then gave me a perfunctory kiss and went straight into the office. I was devastated but determined. I left him alone until dinner was ready at 6:30.

“Dinner is ready,” I said pleasantly. “Can you take a break and eat with me?”

He looked up from his computer and seemed a little dazed, as if he were in deep concentration, then smiled slightly. “I can do that.”

He got up and began to walk to the dining room but I stopped him. “I am sorry for the way I acted yesterday.” I’d never had to apologize to him like this, so I didn’t know what to expect.

He smiled and pulled me to him, giving me a big kiss and a nice hug. “I appreciate that, but I’m not the only one you have to make this right with.”

“I have a plan for that,” I said, and led him into the dining room. He raised an eyebrow at the candles that flickered on the table, and smiled when he noted that Jacinta had made a really nice dinner.

“This is romantic,” he said. “If you’re trying to get laid, it will probably work.”

I giggled at that, like an idiot, then we took our seats and started eating. “I want you to do something for me.”

“What?” he asked, in between bites.

“I want you to go out to California with me to see my family,” I said, swallowing hard at how nervous that made me. “That way we’ll get rid of the wedge.”

He smiled broadly. “I can do that.” We had a nice dinner, then I handed him the wrapped-up present I’d gotten him. “What’s this?”

“I wanted to do something nice for you, and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am,” I said. Somehow, apologizing to him didn’t bother me as much as apologizing to other people.

“You didn’t have to buy me a present,” he said. “All you had to do was say you were sorry and try to fix things with your family.”

“I did that,” I insisted.

“I know you did,” he said. “That was enough.” He handed me back the present without even opening it.

“I still want you to have it,” I said.

He unwrapped it and saw the Patek Philippe box and his eyes bulged. “This is too much.” He opened the box and took out the watch, handling it delicately.

“It’s not too much,” I said.

“You done eating?” he asked. I nodded and stood up, then he picked me up and carried me into the bedroom like he was a groom carrying a bride over the threshold, and took me on one amazing sexual ride.