Bleeding Hearts - 2. Chapter 2

I shot my mom a text that I was running late and drove home as fast as I dared without risking a speeding ticket. That was the last thing I needed. I’d be grounded for months.

Dad was waiting as I walked through the door. “You’re late.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Dad,” I replied hurriedly. “It was stupid of me. I had a fight with the guys and needed some time by myself, so I went to the beach. I lost track of time. I texted Mom as soon as I realized what time it was.”

“Well, don’t just stand there. Hurry and wash up for dinner. It’s getting cold,” he snapped.

I rushed upstairs and threw my backpack on the bed, then hastily washed my hands before rushing back down. My parents were already at the table. Dinner conversation was strained, as it was more often than not. But if I thought it was bad before, it was about to get worse.

“Buck Phillips called me this afternoon,” Dad remarked casually.

That caught my attention. Buck was Zack’s father. The Phillipses went to our church, but Buck and Dad weren’t exactly friends. Buck was in construction and hunted a lot. He wore camouflage year-round even to church. Dad never said as much, but it was clear he thought they were beneath our social status. So why would Buck call my father? And why would Dad bring it up over dinner?

Dad continued, “He said there’s a homosexual at your school now.” He pronounced it carefully, over-enunciating each syllable—ho-mo-sex-you-al.

Mom’s eyes flickered over to me for a second before fixing back on her plate. I wondered if that meant anything or if I was just being paranoid. Every conversation with my father was like avoiding landmines. I had to carefully examine everything he said and weigh my words carefully. I chose to say nothing.

Of course, Dad wasn’t about to let it go. “You know anything about it, son?”

“I met him, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You met it?” He seemed almost incredulous, as if I had said I’d eaten lunch with a zombie.

“I met him.” I stressed the pronoun but didn’t push it. I shrugged. “He’s in one of my classes. His name is Seth.” I was fighting hard to act casual and keep my cool. Losing my temper at the dinner table would not be good. Then again, it was never good to lose my temper with my father.

“I don’t care what its name is. It’s unnatural.”

I frowned, a fact my father didn’t miss. His eyes narrowed. “Don’t tell me you’re some kind of fairy lover, boy. I didn’t raise some bleeding-heart liberal. You know what the Bible says. You stay away from him. Do you hear me?”

I stared hard at my suddenly unappetizing chicken. “Yes, sir.”

I managed to gag down the rest of my dinner somehow, although I was so angry it was almost more than I could manage to even sit at the same table with him. He continued to expound his theory that gays and lesbians were the downfall of every society from Greece and Rome on and how the queers would be the ruin of the United States of America if “we” didn’t take “our” country back. I could only assume “we” were the narrow-minded bigots.

As soon as I had eaten enough to be excused politely, I headed straight for my room. I called Asher on my cell phone. I hoped he wasn’t with Zack and Jesse. Even though I wasn’t super close to any of the guys, I was closest to Asher, and I needed to talk to someone.

He answered on the third ring. “Hey. What’s up, Kill?”

“Hey. I’m sorry about today in the parking lot.”

“Yeah, man, what was that about?”

“I don’t know. I just get so tired of hearing that kind of crap from my dad...I didn’t want to hear it from you guys, too, I guess.”

“What crap?”

“About Seth being gay.”

“But he is gay.”

“So what? Why does that make him a lesser human being?” I was starting to get angry again.

“Whoa, man, calm down. I dunno. I’m not saying he’s a lesser human being or anything. I just don’t want him to make any moves on me, you know? Or you, either. I gotta protect my buds.”

“I spent all afternoon with him, and he didn’t make any moves on me.” I surprised myself. I hadn’t planned to tell him.

“You what?” Asher yelped.

“I said I spent all afternoon with him.”

“Is that why you didn’t want to go with the guys, you were meeting him?”

“No, I didn’t plan it. I was upset after that whole scene in the parking lot and needed some time alone, so I went to the beach. I ran into Seth there. We started talking, and we ended up getting some pizza.”

“Whoa. You went on a date with him?”

“It wasn’t a date!” I screeched.

Asher laughed. “Chill out. I was only kidding. I know it wasn’t a date. It’s not like you’re gay. So what’s he like anyway? Is he, like, all feminine?”

“No, not at all. He doesn’t really seem any different from you or me. Actually, he’s really nice. I kinda had fun.”

“Man, I wouldn’t talk about this in front of Zack or Jesse. You know how they are.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. “I wasn’t even gonna tell you. It just kinda slipped out.”

“Well, make sure it doesn’t slip out in front of the wrong people.”

“I know, I know.”

“So, uh, did he say why he decided to be gay?”

“It’s not like that, Ash. You don’t decide to be gay. Either you are or you aren’t. Trust me, after hearing all he’s been through I definitely don’t think he chose it.”

“What do you mean?”

I hesitated. I’d already said more than I should have. “Well, I don’t want to talk about personal stuff he told me, you know?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s cool.”

“It was just some really bad stuff that happened to him because he came out.”

“Came out? Now you’re starting to sound like one of them.” He chuckled, and I forced a laugh, too. “Look, it’s not a big deal with me, but be careful. And whatever you do, don’t hang out with him at school. I know you like to be different, but this could get you hurt.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hey, Zack just pulled up so I gotta go. We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Great, see ya later.” And he was gone.

I flopped back on the bed, more confused than ever. Everyone seemed to think I should avoid Seth. I knew how it felt to be the outsider, though, always getting left out, always being ignored. That was bad enough. How would it feel to be actively discriminated against? I made up my mind to be friendly toward Seth—but not too friendly. Asher’s vague warning was still ringing in my mind, and he was right. I’d never really been picked on too much because I was friends with Asher, Zack and Jesse, but that could change in a heartbeat. Everybody knows how high school politics work. One hint of weakness and the wolves circle. I should keep my distance, at least in public, but I didn’t want to let the bullies win. I’d have to figure it out as I went.

 

 

The rest of the week was pretty much an average first week back to school—assessing the new teachers to see how much we could get away with, figuring out homework loads, catching up with school friends you hadn’t seen all summer. I’d decided to talk to Seth in class even though almost nobody else did. By then, the word was all over school that he was gay. People gave me funny looks, but for the most part no one mentioned it. In other words, things were pretty much normal for me. I didn’t go out of my way to talk to Seth outside of class, but I didn’t avoid him either.

If things were normal for me, it was painfully obvious that things were pretty bad for him. With each day that passed, it seemed as if he lost a little more sparkle, became a little less animated. It was hard to watch, but I didn’t know what to do about it.

The weekend passed so slowly that I was actually glad to see Monday roll around. I wondered if the guys were avoiding me. They hadn’t called me the entire weekend, but that happened sometimes so I tried not to think too much about it. But then I didn’t even see them on Monday, and that was unusual.

It was raining hard when school let out on Tuesday. I stood by the door for a while until it became obvious the downpour wasn’t going to let up, then made a mad dash across the parking lot, splashing through puddles and getting wet to my knees. I jumped into my car and turned on the defroster. While I waited for the condensation to evaporate, I dried off my glasses and looked around the almost empty lot. I’d had to stay after class to talk to one of my teachers about a project that was due Friday—the second week of the semester and I had projects due already—and most of the other students had left by the time I finished. Even the sports teams were gone since they’d canceled practice on account of the rain.

I was following another car out of the lot when it suddenly veered toward someone walking on the side of the road. I yelled—as if the other driver could hear me—but the car swerved away, splashing the person in the process. That, I realized belatedly, was probably the goal all along. As I drove past the now thoroughly soaked person, I recognized Seth.

I don’t know why, but something made me pull over onto the shoulder. Maybe it was because my dad had told me to stay away from Seth, or maybe it was because I felt sorry for him. Or maybe it was just because I genuinely liked him. Whatever the reason, I tried not to think too much about it.

A few seconds later he walked by me, his head down and his eyes averted. He probably thought I was going to make fun of him or something.

I quickly rolled down the window, and a cold spray of rain spattered my face and glasses. “Seth, are you okay?”

He turned toward my car with a surprised expression. “Hey, Killian. Yeah I guess so. A little wet, but I’m okay.”

“A little wet?” I laughed. “You look drenched! Why are you walking?”

“My dad had an emergency and couldn’t pick me up.”

“Well, hop in. I’ll drive you home.”

He grinned at me, then ran around to the other door and jumped in.

“Why didn’t you just take the bus?” I asked after he was in.

He looked away. “I don’t really feel safe on the bus.”

“Oh.” I felt awkward. “Well, uh, you’ll have to tell me how to get to your house. All I know is that you live in Ocean City near the beach.”

He gave me directions, and we talked while I drove. The conversation was once again carefully general, mostly about classes and teachers. We both seemed to be avoiding anything more personal.

I glanced over and saw he was shivering, so I turned the heater on high and directed the vents toward him.

“Thanks. I can’t wait to get home and change out of these wet clothes.”

Home turned out to be an attractive two-story beach house with cedar-shingle siding. As we pulled into his driveway, a concerned expression crossed his face. “My dad still isn’t home. His car’s gone. You wanna come in for a few minutes?”

I hesitated. Was he coming on to me?

“Just until I find out what’s going on. Please? If something’s wrong, I don’t want to be stuck here alone.”

I thought for a minute, then turned the car off. I looked over at him and smiled. “Sure.”

We made a dash for the house through the torrential rain, which was still coming down as though it would never stop. Seth held the door open while I ran inside. He jumped in behind me, slammed the door, and slumped against it. I looked back at him and couldn’t help but laugh. He was completely waterlogged from head to toe. Water dripped off him, forming a puddle around his feet. His hair was slicked down, and his clothing drooped, soggy with rain.

“What’s so funny?”

“You look like a drowned rat!”

He made a face, and I laughed again.

“What exactly does a drowned rat look like anyway?”

“Go look in the mirror.”

“Very funny.” He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, too. “I wonder where my dad is. He sent me a text earlier saying there was an emergency and I should take the bus, but...” He glanced away. “You know. Let me call him really quick. Come on.”

He went off down the hall, dialing his phone as he went and leaving a trail of water on the hardwood floor for me to follow, which I did. He went into the kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and stood in front of the open door while he talked to his dad. I stood around awkwardly until he hung up and turned to me.

“You hungry?”

I shook my head no. I was but I didn’t want to impose. “Is everything okay with your dad?”

“Yeah. I guess. He got an emergency call from his friend Steve and had to drive to Delaware. He says he probably won’t get home till tomorrow.” He shrugged. “Oh, well. You want to hang out for a while?”

“Uh, I don’t know.”

“If you don’t want to, I’ll understand.”

He was obviously lonely. It wouldn’t kill me to stay for a little while. “Okay,” I agreed, and his face lit up. “But not for long. I don’t want to get in trouble with my dad.”

“That’s cool. I understand.” He pulled a couple of bottles out of the fridge. “You like root beer?”

“I love it.”

“Well, here ya go.” He handed me a bottle as he started for the door. “I’ve got to go dry off and change. The den is down the hall. Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back.”

I wandered into the den sipping my root beer. The room was furnished with worn but comfortable-looking furniture, a nice entertainment system, and pictures of Seth everywhere. Books were strewn about liberally and a large desk was up against one wall with a very expensive computer sitting on top of it. The room had a very warm, cozy atmosphere.

I walked around looking at the pictures. Seth seemed to grow up before my eyes. There was a woman in some of them—I assumed his mother—and a man in others—his father? A younger boy appeared in a few, and I made a mental note to ask Seth who he was. I picked up a frame with a photo of all four of them together.

“See anything you like?” Seth’s sudden voice made me jump and gasp, almost dropping the picture. He started laughing.

“Holy crap! Sneak up on me, why don’t you?”

He had changed into silky black running shorts and a plain white T-shirt. He’d dried his hair but apparently hadn’t brushed it. It was standing up in every direction, even more than usual.

“Sorry, I guess you didn’t hear me coming.”

“Obviously. I don’t usually gasp just because you enter the room.”

“My loss.” He gave me a shy grin.

I blinked in surprise, not sure what to say. He was definitely hitting on me. An awkward silence stretched between us.

“Killian, I’m kidding. Lighten up.”

“Oh. Sorry,” I mumbled. “Um, maybe I’d better go.”

“No! I mean...you should hang out for a while.”

“I dunno. I should probably get home.”

“We can play video games or something. Do you play?”

“Yeah, but my dad...”

Seth wilted. “Yeah. Okay. I just had a really crappy day and kinda didn’t want to be alone right now, but I know how parents can be.”

I thought for a few seconds while Seth stood there looking miserable. “Okay,” I replied at last, “I’ll hang out for a while, but I have to call my parents so they won’t freak out.”

I called my mom’s phone, and she accepted the fact that I would be home late without any questions, for which I was thankful. Sometimes, her general disinterest worked in my favor. The interrogation would come later from Dad, but I would think of something before then.

“It’s cool,” I told Seth after hanging up.

“Yes! Killer’s the man!”

We played video games and talked about nothing for a while. Then suddenly he paused the game. “Are you sure you’re not hungry? Because I’m starving.”

I laughed. “I guess I’m kind of hungry.”

“Good. Come on, let’s see what we have in the fridge.”

Seth made us a couple of turkey sandwiches and we settled down at the table to eat.

“Well, I don’t seem to have made many friends in my first week of school,” he commented as I took a huge bite.

We sat in silence while I chewed, which gave me a chance to think of what to say.

“No, not many—but you made one at least. Me.”

He smiled and, for a few seconds, almost looked as if he were going to cry. I hoped like crazy he wouldn’t. Whenever someone else cried, it inevitably made me tear up as well. My dad always yelled at me for being a sissy and crying too much, but I couldn’t seem to help it.

“Thanks, Killian.” His voice was slightly husky. “That means a lot to me. Probably more than you know.”

“I think I have an idea.”

We took a few more bites, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

“I don’t get it,” he said suddenly.

“Get what?”

“I don’t get how you grew up in the same town as all these other jerks but you’re pretty much the only one who doesn’t treat me like some kind of pariah. I mean, some of kids in my classes are okay. Not everybody is openly hostile, but most people avoid me like I have some sort of disease.”

I shrugged. I didn’t understand it myself. I was risking a lot by being Seth’s friend. For some reason, the risk seemed worth it. I didn’t know what to say, though, so I said nothing.

After a few more minutes of chewing in silence, Seth asked, “Do you know what your name means?”

I blinked in confusion. Where had that come from? “No, I think it’s the name of a beer, but I don’t know what it means. Why?”

“‘Cuz I do.”

“Uh...okay, I’ll bite. What does it mean? And how do you know?” This was taking a very weird turn.

“I looked it up online. Killian means blind.”

I frowned. “Blind? What kind of a name is that?”

“What’s your middle name?”

“Travers,” I replied distractedly. I was still stuck on the whole blind thing. What kind of name means blind, and who names their kid that?

“Maybe it’s symbolic.”

“Symbolic of what? My glasses?” I scoffed.

“No, of your inability to see yourself.”

We had officially gone from a little weird to just plain freaky. I was starting to regret agreeing to hang out.

“You’re weirding me out, dude.” My words came out a little sharper than I intended. “I can see myself just fine, thank you.”

“Not really.” His voice was so soft now I could barely hear him. “Not the way I see you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I was getting a bit defensive now.

“I guess I just see you differently than you see yourself. Look, I haven’t known you for that long, but I can tell you’re kind of down on yourself. But you’re smart, funny, kind...not to mention drop-dead gorgeous. But you hide behind those glasses and your jock friends and drama, and no one ever gets to know the real you. Hell, you don’t even let yourself see the real you. You’ve buried it beneath so many layers you’ve forgotten it’s even there.”

My head was reeling. I’d heard everything he’d said, but certain phrases kept echoing through my brain. Drop-dead gorgeous? Me? Ha! Hide behind my friends? How did I do that? And what the hell was that part about seeing the real me supposed to mean? I latched onto the last one.

“What do you mean by I don’t let myself see the real me?” I demanded. “If I don’t see the real me, then who does? You?”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t even know me. We’ve barely talked and only hung out twice.”

He shrugged. “Sometimes that’s all you need.”

“Fine. You think you know me so well? Then why don’t you introduce me? I’d like to meet myself.”

“Okay, I will.” His voice was strange—kind of sad, but almost as if he had known what would happen. “Killian Travers Kendall,” he announced formally, “I’d like you to meet yourself.”

He suddenly leaned forward over the table and quickly pressed his lips against mine. For a second, I was so shocked I didn’t move, then suddenly my reflexes kicked in and I shoved him away so violently that my chair flipped over backwards, and I sprawled across the floor.

“What the hell was that?” I yelled.

Seth looked like he was about to cry again, but I didn’t care anymore.

“I thought...I thought you were gay.” He spoke so quietly that I barely heard him. In fact, maybe I didn’t hear him right.

“What did you say?” My voice had gone deadly calm, a trick I’d learned from my father.

“I said, I thought maybe you were gay.” Tears started rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, Killian. I guess I was wrong. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me. You’re my only friend.” With that he sank down to the floor and buried his face in his hands.

I sat across the kitchen from him and watched him cry. I felt as though I should do something, but I had no clue as to what. My brain had shut down. Everything just went blank, and I felt completely numb. I couldn’t even think clearly enough to leave, so I simply sat there. Occasionally, Seth would choke out another “I’m sorry” in between sobs.

Slowly, I began to come back to my senses. The first question that went through my mind was, am I gay? I wasn’t so sure anymore. The kiss hadn’t been that bad, really. I’d reacted more to the shock than to the kiss itself. Even in my addled state I knew that much. I thought about the way I’d been almost obsessed with Seth from day one. An image of Asher suddenly intruded into my thoughts. What was that supposed to mean? I needed to get out of there. I needed to think.

I struggled to my feet and started out of the kitchen. I paused at the door long enough to mumble, “I don’t hate you. I... I just need to think.” And then I was gone, leaving him in a crumpled heap on the kitchen floor.

Luckily, Dad was at a late meeting when I got home, and I was able to go right to my room, calling out to Mom that I needed to do my homework and that I’d already eaten.

I fell backwards onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. I was so confused. Had I been blind to the real me all this time? Was that why I always felt so empty, so out of place?

I sat up and stared at myself in the mirror. My face was pale, and my eyes were red-rimmed, but I tried to look past that. What did Seth see in me? My wavy blonde hair was a little on the shaggy side. I had to admit my eyes were really blue, but they were hidden behind my glasses. I was blessed with fairly smooth skin, with the exception of the occasional zit. I supposed if I were being completely impartial, I wasn’t unattractive—but drop-dead gorgeous? No way. True, girls asked me out now and then, some quite persistently, but they were just after me because of my friends. At least that’s what I told myself. If I was completely honest, I had to admit I’d never been interested in any of them.

Why was that?

Asher flooded into my thoughts again. I’d choose spending time with him over a girl any day, even if we were just watching TV or wrestling around in his bedroom. Now that I thought about it, every time I wrestled with Asher, I got a hard-on.

That was normal, right? That happened to everybody.

But did everybody have erotic dreams about their best friend? The one and only wet dream I’d ever had—that I could remember anyway—had featured none other than Asher.

The clues were pretty obvious all of a sudden.

I had been blind.