Bleeding Hearts - 8. Chapter 8

I woke up in a strange room. For a few disoriented moments, I couldn’t remember where I was. Then the events from the night before came back to me. Dad had beaten me up and kicked me out., and I was staying at Seth’s dad’s house—indefinitely. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I hardly knew Adam.

After a few minutes of thought, I decided it couldn’t be any worse than living at home. My anger toward my father throbbed like a dull ache in the back of my mind. I hated him with every ounce of my being.

I sat up and gingerly felt around my ribs. Definitely sore, but bearable. I took in the room for the first time since I’d been completely out of it when Adam brought me in the night before. I caught my breath when I realized where I was.

Adam had put me into Seth’s old room.

Seth’s presence was everywhere. I almost felt as if he were standing beside me while I looked around at the physical memories he’d left behind. There were academic trophies on a shelf, framed playbills on the wall and a rainbow flag pinned over his desk.

Just then, someone knocked lightly on the door.

I jumped, wincing from the pain in my ribs. “Yeah?” I called out through gritted teeth.

“I take it you’re awake?” Adam called back through the door.

“Yes. You can come in.”

He opened the door and stepped cautiously into the room, as if unsure of his reception. “How are you feeling?”

“Well, I’ve been better, but I guess it could’ve been worse. On average, I’d say I’m surviving.”

He chuckled. “At least you still have your sense of humor. I brought you some medicine for the pain.” He gave me a glass of water, along with a pill that I swallowed without the water. “Your mom is on her way over with some stuff for you. I told her—and I’m telling you—you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need to.”

“Thanks, Adam. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this means to me.”

“There’s no need to thank me, Killian. I would have wanted someone to do the same thing for Seth when he found himself in the same situation. Luckily, I was able to take him in myself. I may not be able to do much, but I can offer you shelter when you need it most. My house is your house now. Seth would have wanted it that way. In fact, if he were alive, he’d insist.”

I nodded, not sure what to say.

The doorbell chimed just then, saving me from having to come up with a response as Adam hurried off to answer it.

“Saved by the bell,” I muttered.

He was back in a few minutes with Mom and, much to my surprise, Asher.

Mom noticed my eyes light up when I saw Asher, and she broke into a grin. “He insisted on coming along. I guess I made the right decision in letting him.”

After greetings and hugs were over, she asked me, “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

“A little sore, but I’ll live,” I told her. “How are you?”

“Your father never came home last night, which is just as well. I’m not sure what to do. I’m going to see a lawyer this afternoon.”

“A lawyer? For what?”

“I didn’t sleep at all last night. Besides waiting for your father, I was also thinking about what happened.” She turned toward Adam. “You were right. I can’t stay with him. More importantly, I don’t want to stay with him.”

“You’re divorcing him?” I asked.

She turned back to me. “How do you feel about that?”

“I think it’s about damn time!”

“Killian!” she admonished, obviously trying to hide a smile. “Watch your language. Your mother is in the room.”

“Sorry, but I don’t think you should stay with him another minute.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay with me leaving him.”

“Okay? I’m thrilled.”

She laughed, but then quickly grew serious. “I can’t just walk out, though.”

“Why not?”

“You know your father. I want to have all my ducks in a row before I start packing my bags. That’s why I’m seeing a lawyer.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

I turned to Asher, who’d been sitting quietly on the edge of my bed. “What about you? Did you have any trouble with your parents?”

He broke into a grin. “You won’t believe what happened!”

“Hang on,” Mom interrupted before Asher could go on. “I’ve already heard this story on the way over, so while Asher fills you in, why don’t I get your stuff out of the car.”

“I’ll help,” Adam volunteered.

After they left, Asher moved closer to me on the bed.

“‘K, now tell me all about what I’m not gonna believe,” I insisted, snuggling up next to him.

“Wow, you really do seem to be feeling better,” he said with a smirk.

“That pain medicine is good stuff, although I’m sure I’ll be hurting again when it wears off. Now talk.”

“Okay, so, when I got home, Mom and Dad were waiting for me, and I thought I was in big trouble, but they were more concerned about you. They asked what was going on, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told them I was gay”

“What? Oh wow. What did they say? How’d they react? Is everything okay?”

“Everything is great. They were fine with it. Well, maybe fine is a little strong, but they didn’t freak out. My dad’s best friend and roommate from college is gay. We’ve always called him Uncle Billy, even though he’s not really our uncle, you know? He doesn’t live around here so I don’t see him much, but him and Dad are pretty close, so it didn’t weird him out too much.” He said all of this without taking a breath.

I was stunned. Not only had Asher come out to his parents, but they were okay with it.

Asher took advantage of my speechless state to sneak a quick kiss.

I looked at him in surprise for a moment; I still wasn’t used to him kissing me. Suddenly, I decided to throw all caution to the wind. I reached up with one hand and pulled his face to mine while my other arm snaked around his waist. The kiss was much more passionate than our last attempt, slow and sensual. I felt his tongue against my lips and parted them.

The kiss lasted only seconds—or maybe it was years. Who could tell? When he finally pulled away, I fell back onto the bed and Asher laid his head on my chest.

“Wow,” he whispered after a moment.

“Yeah, wow,” I agreed.

Asher sat up quickly and scooted away as we heard footsteps coming down the hall. Adam entered with a box and gave us a funny look—we probably looked guilty as hell—but he didn’t say anything. Mom followed a few seconds later with another box.

“This is all your clothes,” she said. “When you’re feeling better, Adam will bring you to get your car. You’ll be staying here until I figure some stuff out. I’ve got to run now to keep my appointment with the lawyer. Asher, do you want to go with me or stay a while? Adam said he could take you home later if you want to stay.”

“I’ll stay!” Asher replied immediately, then added, “If you’re sure it’s okay, Mr. Connelly.”

“It’s fine,” Adam assured him. “And you can call me Adam.”

Mom came over to give me a hug and a few words about being a good guest for Adam. Then Adam walked her out to her car, leaving Asher and me alone again.

“Um, Asher?”

“Yeah?” he answered cautiously.

“What do you think that kiss meant?”

“I dunno,” he whispered. “Maybe that you like me?”

“I told you I did, Ash.” I reached out and took his hand in mine. “I’m just confused about some stuff right now. I probably shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”

“Are you kidding?” he exclaimed. “I’m so glad you did. I want to do it again right now. And again. And again.” He giggled, then grew serious. “But what are you confused about?”

I didn’t know whether to tell him or not. How do you tell your oldest friend that you’re afraid they might have killed someone? I almost started laughing at the thought. The pain meds were definitely kicking in, making it harder to think clearly. Finally, I decided to be honest and let the chips fall where they would.

“Asher, I have to ask you a question. Please don’t be offended. This is really important to me, okay?”

“Sure,” he answered quickly, beginning to look a little nervous.

I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. “Where were you when Seth was killed?”

For a long time, he didn’t say a word. I watched the light in his eyes slowly go out, as if someone were turning down a dimmer switch. The affection and warm humor were replaced by hurt and cold anger. He slowly stood and stared down at me. I pushed myself up, wondering if I had gone too far.

“So that’s it,” he said softly, almost to himself. Then his voice grew louder, anger punctuating every word. “That’s why you’re being so weird? You think I killed Seth? You think stabbed you? You think I’m a murderer?”

His face was white with rage. A single tear slipped out the corner of his eye, but he swiped it away angrily.

“I love you, Killian,” he snapped. “I’ve loved you for years. How can you think I would ever, ever hurt you? Do you really believe I’m the kind of person who could kill someone and then sit here with you like nothing happened? Is that what you think of me? If it is, then maybe you don’t know me at all.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could say a word he spun around and ran out of the room. By the time I finally found my voice, it was too late.

“Asher?” I heard Adam call out. His only answer was a slamming door.

Adam appeared in my doorway. “What happened?” he asked sharply.

“I was stupid and said something that hurt Asher,” I told him quickly. “Please, just go after him.”

Thankfully, Adam ran off after Asher without asking a bunch of questions first. I collapsed back against my pillow and let out a long, shaky sigh.

The wait for Adam to return was pure torture. When he finally reappeared at my door, the look on his face told me all I needed to know. It hadn’t gone well.

“He hates me now, doesn’t he?” I said sadly.

Adam shook his head as he came into the room and sat beside me on the bed. “He doesn’t hate you. His feelings were hurt. I tried to explain to him how everything that’s happened has affected you. We had a good talk.”

“But he didn’t come back with you.”

“He needs to cool off. Don’t worry, he’ll come around.”

“Or not,” I mumbled. “Where is he now?”

“He’s waiting outside. I’m going to give him a ride home now if you think you’ll be okay while I’m gone.”

I nodded, and he stood up and ruffled my hair. “Just give him a little time, Killian. Trust me.”

My thoughts were swirling, but the drugs were making it hard to focus. I fought it for a few minutes, then gave in and sank into the blackness. If I was asleep, I didn’t have to think about any of it.

 

The following week was spent in recovery. Adam would allow me to walk from the bedroom to the living room and that was about it. He waited on me hand and foot. Although I joked that he was going to spoil me, it was actually starting to drive me crazy. Since Adam worked from home, I felt like I never had a moment to myself.

The bright side of all that togetherness was that Adam and I got to know each other better. We talked a lot about Seth, as well as about Adam and his life.

I learned how Seth had come to live with Adam, and why his other son, Kane, still lived with Adam’s ex-wife. Kane, it turned out, was the other boy who appeared in many of the pictures of Seth. Kane and Seth had been very close while they were growing up, and Seth had missed his brother terribly after coming to live with Adam, but the boys’ mother wouldn’t allow Kane to see Adam or Seth at all. Adam choked up whenever he talked about his younger son. Kane’s fifteenth birthday was coming up in a week, and Adam seemed pretty despondent about not being able to be with him.

I felt for Adam. I could tell just by the way he looked at the pictures how much he missed Kane. I knew it had to be even harder as he dealt with his grief. I couldn’t imagine anyone being cruel enough to keep a man’s only living son away from him at a time like that. When I asked Adam about it, he simply said it was more hopeless than ever, since his ex-wife was blaming him for Seth’s death.

Adam’s boyfriend Steve came over for dinner one night, which helped distract Adam a little. I even helped Adam cook, as much as he’d let me anyway, which mostly involved things I could while sitting at the counter, like peel potatoes. Steve lived an hour away, so he couldn’t come over all that often, though I also wondered if my presence was maybe putting a bit of a crimp in their style.

Having Steve around definitely reminded me how much I missed Asher. Not that he was my boyfriend or anything, but we did kiss. I hadn’t seen him since our fight, but he did bring my make-up work from school as far as the front door, where he handed it over to Adam, so I figured that was a good sign. Hopefully.

Mom came to visit fairly often, and we talked on the phone on the days she couldn’t make it. She and her lawyer were devising ways to get her out of the house as soon as possible, but she was still afraid of what Dad might do when she tried to leave him. On the bright side, she said he wasn’t home much and, when he was, he barely spoke to her and never mentioned me. It was as if I had never existed. Despite her positive attitude, I was worried about her. I feared he’d become violent again and she’d have no one there to help her.

By the end of the week, I was feeling well enough that I thought I might try to go back to school on Monday morning. Adam was unsure at first, but after I told him I was going stir-crazy at home with nothing to do, he agreed as long as I promised to take it easy. It was a true testament to the depth of my restlessness that going back to school seemed at all appealing, especially considering I had no idea what I'd be facing there. Had the rumors about me and Seth spread? Was I outed publicly? How would they treat me? All those concerns and more swirled through my head, but I had to face it eventually, so I figured I might as well get it over with.

On Saturday, after calling to make sure Dad wasn’t home, Adam took me to pick up my car. I wanted to see Asher while we were in the neighborhood, but Adam thought I should wait for him to come to me. I stared up at his bedroom window, but didn't see any sign of him. For all knew, he wasn't even home.

As Kane’s birthday drew nearer and nearer, Adam became more and more withdrawn and depressed. I desperately wanted to do something, but I had no idea what. Kane’s birthday was on Wednesday, and it wasn’t until Sunday afternoon when I had my brainstorm. I spent the next hour hatching a brilliant plan.

The first step was getting Adam out of the house.

“Hey, Adam,” I said, as casually as possible while popping into the living room where he was watching a movie. “I had an idea.”

He paused the movie. “What’s up?”

“It’s been a long week, and all you’ve done is sit around the house and take care of me. You deserve a night out. Why don’t you and Steve have a date night?”

He gave me a confused look. “What?”

“You’ve barely seen him this week, and I’m feeling a little guilty about that, like I’m kind of in the way.”

“You’re absolutely not in the way!”

“Okay, but you still deserve a night out.”

“If I’m getting on your nerves and you need some time alone, you could just say so,” he said with a grin.

“No! That’s not—”

“Killian, I’m kidding. But a night out does sound pretty good, now that you mention it. Maybe I’ll call Steve and see if he’s free. Are you sure you’d be okay alone for a few hours?”

“I’m fine. You could even spend the night if you want.”

His eyebrows jumped up, and my face grew warm.

“I just mean... I wasn’t...”

He laughed and pulled out his phone, letting me off the hook.

After a brief conversation, Adam and Steve settled on dinner, and Adam headed upstairs to shower. A while later, he came back down in dress pants and a button-up with the top two buttons open, showing off some chest hair.

“Looking good,” I said with a whistle.

“Sorry, Killian, but I’m already taken,” he said with a wink. He grabbed his keys and started out the door but paused and looked back over his shoulder. “Don’t wait up.”

As soon as he left, I went to work on step two. I needed information.

I felt a little guilty about digging through Adam’s desk, but I justified it by convincing myself that the end would justify the means. After only a few minutes of searching, I was rewarded with an address book. I was glad Adam was old enough to still keep a physical one. Every number I had was stored in my phone.

I flipped through the book until I found what I was looking for, then excitedly dialed the number and listened while it rang once...twice...three times. I grew more anxious with every ring.

Just as I was about to lose my nerve and hang up, someone finally answered.

“Hello?”

I couldn’t tell if it was a woman or a boy whose voice hadn’t yet changed.

“Hello?” I said hesitantly.

Now that I had someone on the line, I was second guessing my plan.

“Hello?” they said again.

I almost said “hello” back once more, but stopped just in time to cut off what could have become an endless spiral of salutations. “Um...is this Kane?”

“Yeah. Who’s this?”

I sighed with relief. Once I started speaking the words tumbled out in a rush. “You don’t know me, but my name is Killian. I know your brother Seth. Knew. I knew your brother. I’m, uh, really sorry for your loss.” That felt so inadequate, but I didn’t know what else to say, so I rushed on. “And I know your dad, too. Actually, I’m live with him. Your dad, I mean.”

I paused to take a breath, and Kane jumped in. “You live with my dad?” He sounded confused.

Can’t say I blamed him.

“Yeah, it’s, um... It’s kinda a long story, but that’s not why I called.”

“Are you calling for my mom or something? She’s not home right now...”

“No, I called to talk to you.”

“Me? Why me?”

“It’s about your dad.”

"Is he okay?" A note of panic crept into his voice.

"Yes! He's fine," I rushed to reassure him.

“Is he there? Can I talk to him?”

“No, he’s out...” I almost said he was on a date, but realized I was in imminent danger of getting off track again. “He went out for a bit, and I found your number. He doesn’t know I’m calling you.”

“Huh?”

“Your birthday is this Wednesday, right?”

“Yeah?” He sounded even more confused. “Look, this is very weird, and I’m getting a little uncomfortable.”

“Please don’t hang up!” I started talking fast again, trying to get everything out before he could end the call. “Your birthday is all your dad has talked about for the last week. He’s been so depressed because he can’t be there with you. He misses you so much. Since he can’t see you on your birthday, I thought maybe if you called him on Wednesday, it would be better than nothing. Maybe it will cheer him up.”

“We haven’t spoken in years,” he said slowly. “I don't even have his number. When Seth started visiting him last year, we were always going to try and get me to his house, but then Seth moved out, and I never saw him again. He didn’t even leave a note or anything. I just came home one day, and he was gone. I never heard from either one of them. I figured they didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“It wasn’t like that at all,” I said gently. “Seth missed you terribly. Your dad misses you, too. It kills him not to see you. He has pictures of you everywhere. I know he would love to talk to you.”

“Then why didn’t he call me? Why didn’t Seth?”

“Your, uh..."

I paused in an attempt to figure out how to navigate a potentially touchy subject. I should have given this more thought before calling. I finally decided that honesty was the best policy...or at least I hoped it was.

"Your mom wouldn’t let them," I said. "She told them they couldn’t contact you. I think maybe there were lawyers involved and stuff.”

“Lawyers? But why?”

“Um...” I wasn’t sure how much I should say.

“Was it because they’re gay?”

“Oh. Um. Yeah, I guess.”

“Well that’s dumb.”

“So you, um, you knew, huh?”

“Of course.”

“And it doesn’t bother you?”

“Why would it? People love who they love. Besides, Seth is a great brother—” He stopped as his voice grew choked. He took a deep breath and continued. “He was the best big brother. He was more like my best friend. I didn’t care that he was gay. But wait. Back up. Are you sure my mom kicked him out?”

“That’s what Seth told me.”

“Wow. How did she find out? Did he tell her?”

"No, I, uh, I think she caught him with a boy and freaked out."

He went quiet, and I didn’t know what to say. I was starting to think this had been a mistake.

Finally, I asked. “Are you still there?” No answer. “Kane?”

“What? Oh. Yeah. I’m here. I’m just... I don’t know. I guess I’m pissed. I’ve always tried to understand my mom, but I had no idea she was keeping me from Seth and Dad. She told me Seth ran away and made it sound like he didn’t want anything to do with me. Same with Dad. She said he'd moved on with his life and didn't want to be burdened with his own kids.”

“Yeah, um, that’s definitely not accurate. Seth was living with your dad when...when everything happened.”

“That's so fucked up. Like, I get why she might be mad about Dad. They were married. That has to be rough, finding out your husband likes dick more than he likes you, you know? But Seth? That’s her son. How do you just turn your back on your own kid?”

I flinched, thinking about my own father.

“And why didn’t Seth call or text me or hit me up online or something," he continued, growing more agitated by the second. Then he suddenly deflated with an audible whoosh of air. "I mean, I guess I’m a little to blame. I didn’t try to contact him either. I was so mad when he ran away and didn’t even say goodbye. I thought we were tighter than that. Oh God! What if he thought I hated him too? Is that why he didn’t try to contact me?”

“I... I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think he thought that.” I didn’t actually know what Seth thought since we’d never talked about his brother, but it seemed like the right thing to say. “He, um, seemed really comfortable with his sexuality.”

Kane went quiet again, then asked, “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Gay?”

I hesitated, but only for a moment. “Yeah, I am.” It still felt strange to say, but very right.

“Were you Seth’s boyfriend or something?”

“No, we were just friends, but he helped me accept myself for who I am.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Seth. Did he have a boyfriend?”

“No, he didn’t.” I was hoping he’d stop asking me questions about Seth. I didn’t want to have to tell him he’d been ostracized and bullied at his new school and that I was the closest thing he had to a friend, and even that was stretching it.

“Are you my dad’s boyfriend?” he asked, and, suddenly, I wished we were still talking about Seth.

“No! I’m sixteen!”

“Oh. So you’re, like, the same age as Seth.”

“Yeah. We went to school together.”

“Does my dad have a boyfriend?”

“Um...maybe you should ask him that.”

“That means he does.”

“So, uh, anyway, you want to call him on Wednesday? Like as a surprise?”

“Duh. What’s his number? And... actually, can you give me his address too? Maybe I’ll write him a letter or something.”

I gave him Adam’s phone number and address. “You promise you’ll call?”

“Yeah, dude. Definitely. The hard part will be waiting until my birthday. Look, I have, like, so, so many things I want to ask you, but I should probably go before my mom gets home. She’d ask a million questions about who I was talking to, and I’d rather not get into all that with her right now. I'm still to mad about what you've told me. But maybe we can we talk again some time?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Cool. Can I get your number too, then?”

“I called from my phone, so you have my number already.”

“Right. Um... What’s your name again? I know you told me, but my head is kind of swimming, and I don’t remember.”

“It’s Killian.”

“Got it. Well, thanks for calling, Killian. You’ve really given me a lot to think about.”

“Yeah, uh, sorry for the info dump.”

“No, don’t be. I’m glad to know the truth. And it’ll be great to talk to Dad again. I can’t wait for Wednesday.”

We said our goodbyes and hung up.

I felt very satisfied with what I had accomplished. I couldn't wait for Wednesday, either. I just hoped everything went according to plan.