Bleeding Hearts - 9. Chapter 9

I woke up the next morning full of excitement, an emotion I hadn’t felt in quite some time. I was excited for three reasons.

First was my conversation the night before with Kane. I couldn’t wait to see Adam’s face when his son called on Wednesday.

Secondly, I was returning to school. After missing two weeks, I was anxious to get back. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand being an invalid. At the same time, I was pretty nervous about it, since I knew I had been a main topic of conversation.

The third reason for my excitement was that I was getting new glasses. Mom was picking me up before school and taking me to the optometrist to replace the ones Dad had shattered when he punched me. I’d been going without ever since, which had resulted in more than a few headaches while I tried to stay caught up with homework. I couldn’t wait to see clearly again.

I was ready and sitting on the front porch when Mom arrived to pick me up for my appointment. After the optometrist checked my eyes to see if my prescription was still current, he asked me the same question he always did when I got new glasses: “So, Killian, have you thought any more about switching to contacts?”

I started to answer with my usual “no thanks,” but for some reason I stopped and thought about it. I’d always been turned off by the idea of sticking my finger in my eyes, but if other people could get used to it, maybe I could too. More importantly, I felt like I was starting a new phase of my life. I’d come out to several people, and, while some of them hadn’t taken it so well, to say the least, most had accepted me. It was time to make a fresh start, and that meant making some changes. Maybe the new me should be reflected in my appearance, and I could start by getting contacts. It may seem small, but it felt significant.

“Yeah, I think I’d like to try them,” I told him.

He looked up in amazement. “You would?”

“Yeah, I’m ready for something new.”

“Okay.” He still seemed a little surprised at the change in our routine. “Well then, let’s take another look at a few things.” He moved the machines back over my eyes and did a few more tests. After a while, he sat back and said, “You have great eyes for contacts. You shouldn’t have any problems. I think we even have your prescription in stock. You can take them home today.”

Before I could leave, I had to practice putting the contacts in over and over until I could do it without flinching. It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared, although it did take me about twenty minutes on each eye the first time. I was blinking a lot, but they were in. I decided to wear them to school.

On the way out to the car, I thought of another change that was way past due. It had been a while since my last trip to the barber, and my hair was looking decidedly shaggy. I asked Mom if I could get it cut after school. I was ready for a new style.

“We can go now, if you want,” she replied.

“What about school?”

“You’re already late. The contacts took longer than I expected. You might as well look your best for your first day back.”

In the face of such rock-solid reasoning, I happily agreed.

I usually went to my dad’s barber, but when I told Mom I was looking for a change, she took me to her salon and turned me over to her own hairdresser, a woman improbably named Bambi. She was wearing a stylish suit that would have been appropriate in a boardroom. Her hair, on the other hand, had more colors than a rainbow. It shifted as she moved, almost looking iridescent like a crow’s feathers.

“So, do you know what kind of style you want?” Bambi asked, seating me in her chair and making eye contact with me in the mirror.

Her hair held me in such a thrall that the question went right over my head. “What?” I asked, my eyes never leaving her head.

She smiled. My reaction must have been one she’d grown used to. “What are you looking for? Do you have a style in mind? Want to go my do?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m just tired of this style. I want to look...nice. Do whatever you want.” I grinned at her.

She raised an eyebrow, which I noticed was pierced, and laughed. “Stylists live for clients like you!”

She walked slowly around the chair, studying me from every angle, then ran her fingers through my hair, pushed it back from my forehead, fluffed it up, then slicked it down with a misting bottle. She walked again, then stopped behind me and gave me a serious look through our reflection. “I think we should do something similar to mine,” she suggested at last.

My eyes grew wide, and she burst into laughter. “Just kidding, cutie. Don’t worry. When I’m done, you’ll have the girls falling all over you.”

I was tempted to inform her that I wasn’t particularly interested in having girls fall all over me. Then I decided my sexuality was one of those need-to-know type situations, and Bambi definitely did not need to know. And had she called me cutie?

She turned my chair so I couldn’t see the mirror and went to work on my locks with her scissors. At one point, a straight razor came out, and then she squeezed a glob of some goop into her hand and worked it into my hair before spending the next five minutes playing with it. I sincerely hoped it wouldn’t take me that long every morning.

About half an hour after she’d begun, she spun me around to give me my first look at the finished product. My hair was quite a bit shorter than before, very different from the shapeless mop I’d come in with. The sides were cut close, but it was longer on top, and somehow, she’d tamed my unruly waves into soft, neat curls. It was the sort of haircut you saw on actors or models, not me. I barely recognized the guy staring back at me in the mirror.

“So, what do you think?” she asked me.

“I love it! But...will I be able to make it look like that at home?”

Bambi laughed. “It’s a super low maintenance style.” She handed me the tube of goo she’d used. “Just rub a little of this between your palms and run it through your hair after you shower and let it air dry. It’ll do whatever it wants and look great, I promise.”

“Oh. Yeah. I think I can handle that.”

After Mom paid for my haircut and tipped Bambi—generously, at my insistence—we were off for school. The closer we got, the more nervous I became. I’d been out for two weeks, and, in that time, I knew I had been the main topic in the rumor mills. Now, I had a new look that, for all I knew, everyone would hate. What if it made me look gayer? Or like I was trying too hard? What if people made fun of me? I tried to summon up the courage from earlier, the courage belonging to that new Killian who was ready for change, but, apparently, he’d stepped out for the moment.

Mom noticed, of course. She glanced over at me with an amused smile. “Calm down. I can feel your nerves from here. You’re gonna be fine, Killian. You look so handsome with your new haircut. I’m sure everyone will love it.”

“But what if everybody hates it?”

“They won’t. And if they do, who cares? I know I’m just your mom, and my opinion doesn’t really count, but I think the new look is super sexy.”

“Mom!”

“What? I can’t say you’re sexy?”

“No! It just sounds gross coming from you.”

“You just look so grown up. The girls will be all over you.” She paused for a moment and then casually added, “Too bad you won’t be interested.”

I stared at her in surprise for a second, my mouth hanging open in shock. When she couldn’t keep a straight face, I realized she was joking, and we both burst into laughter. It was a little weird for my mom to be cracking gay jokes already, but I figured it could have been worse.

“You should have seen your face,” she gasped as we pulled into the school drop-off point.

I grabbed my backpack, then impulsively leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom. For everything.”

She started looking a little misty, and I decided it was definitely time to make my exit. I jumped out of the car and waved as I started backing toward the building. “I love you,” she called as she pulled away. “Have a great day!”

I turned and faced the school, took a deep breath, then released it slowly.

Here goes nothing.

Since I was late, I had to check in at the office. Everyone there was overly nice to me, telling me not to worry about being late and writing me passes. Essentially, I could have shown up five minutes before the final bell, and everything would still have been hunky-dory with them. I guess there were some benefits to being stabbed and having it splashed all over the news.

At my school, we have a four-period day, which means each period is much longer than with traditional seven-period days. I came in right at the end of my second period. The rest of the day went almost too well, with everyone going out of their way to be nice to me. So many people complimented me on my new look that it started to make me self-conscious. Was I that bad before? Prior to my makeover, no one had ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me. I quickly discovered I really didn’t like being the center of attention. I preferred my usual anonymity.

After the final bell rang, I looked for Asher. While I didn’t love all the attention, the compliments had definitely given my ego a hefty boost, and I was feeling confident enough to try patching things up. Even though Adam said I should wait for Asher to come to me, I felt like the situation with him had dragged on long enough. I wanted to ask him to forgive me and see if we couldn’t be friends again.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find him anywhere.

Since Mom had dropped me off, Adam was supposed to pick me up. I was leaning against the wall outside waiting for him, when Zack and Jesse approached me.

“Killian,” Zack greeted me nonchalantly as he and Jesse took up positions against the wall on either side of me. They didn’t fool me, though. I knew it was no casual social visit.

“Zack. Jesse,” I replied nervously.

“I think we need to talk,” Zack continued.

“Yeah? What about?”

“I think you know,” he countered.

“I don’t think I do. I’ve been gone a while. Why don’t you tell me?”

“Stop playing games, Killian,” the ever-helpful Jesse chipped in.

“I’m not playing games. You guys are the ones who haven’t so much as spoken to me in weeks. I was in the hospital and then stuck at home, and you didn’t even bother to call and see how I was doing.”

“Well, you’re not at home anymore, are you,” Zack said.

“No, I’m not. What does that have to do with anything?”

“It has everything to do with...um, everything,” Zack explained, as if I was a particularly slow student. “Look, we’re not dumb. You start hanging out with Seth and you ditch us, then you’re in the park at night with him, you get stabbed, you get kicked out of your house, and next thing we know you’ve moved in with his dad. Now you’re back looking like this.” He waved a hand at my face. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

“Well that’s good since neither of you is a genius. What exactly have you figured out, though?”

“You’re gay, aren’t you?”

I’d known I’d have to face the question eventually, but somehow it still caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready to come out to the whole school yet, and telling Zack and Jesse would be the equivalent of doing just that, but what could I say that they would believe? I thought frantically for a few seconds, then decided the truth was always the best way to go—or in this case, part of the truth.

“Look, Seth and I were just friends. He didn’t have any here, and I felt sorry for him. I was meeting him that night, but just to talk. It was a classic case of wrong place, wrong time. And my dad kicked me out because I went to Seth’s funeral. You know what a dick my dad is.”

They stared at me for at least a minute. You could almost see the wheels turning in their tiny little brains. The silence was so heavy I almost forgot to breathe. Suddenly, Zack pushed away from the wall. I couldn’t help flinching at his unexpected movement.

“Okay, Killian,” he said finally. “I’ll buy that for now, but we’ll be watching you. I just hope you can get back to normal now that the fag’s gone.”

I was suddenly so furious that my sight actually blurred. I’ve always heard the expression “seeing red,” and in that moment I knew exactly what it meant. It took everything in me to remain outwardly calm and quiet as they walked away. This isn’t the time or place, I repeated over and over to myself.

I was still trying to calm my pounding heart when Adam arrived. I climbed into the car, slammed the door and slumped down in the seat.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked.

“Nothing,” I snapped.

“Bad first day back?”

“No. It’s just...Arg! I hate stupid people.”

“There’s no shortage of those. Was it anything in particular or merely your everyday, average, run-of-the-mill stupidity?”

“Zack and Jesse just make me so mad. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“No problem. If you change your mind, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Adam,” I said sincerely. “When I get back to your house, is it okay if I take my car and go see Asher? I think it’s time we talked about what happened. I know you said to wait for him to come to me, but I’m tired of waiting.”

“That’s fine. He might be ready by now, but don’t push it. If he still doesn’t want to talk, let it go.”

I nodded, but I had no intention of letting it go. I’d been doing that for too long already.

“By the way,” he added. “I love the new look.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

I drove over to Asher’s house and knocked on the door. His mom answered. She was a short, slightly plump woman who always seemed to be in a good mood, with a ready smile. She was prone to wearing bright colors and combinations such as the lime-green pants and fuzzy purple sweater she had on right then. I loved hanging out at Asher’s house just so I could be around her. Her first name was Debra, but went by Deb, and she was always telling me to call her that, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. She’d always be Mrs. Davis to me.

“Killian!” she exclaimed in surprise and gave me a huge hug. “I hardly recognized you! You look so handsome. Asher’s been keeping us up to date on how you’re doing. Are you feeling better?”

“Much better,” I replied. “I went back to school today. Is Asher home?”

“No, he went out with Zack and Jesse.” That was news. The last I’d heard, they were fighting.

“Oh. Okay. Well...would you tell him I came by to talk to him?” I paused for a moment, then added, “Tell him I said I’m sorry.”

“I’ll do that, Killian,” she said. “And you take care of yourself, okay?”

“Thanks, Mrs. Davis. I’ll try.”

Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of Monday, except I drove to and from school, making sure I parked in a different part of the lot to avoid more awkward conversations with Zack and Jesse. Asher had either dropped off the face of the earth or was still avoiding me. Since I hadn’t heard any rumors of his sudden disappearance, I could only assume the latter. It hurt that he still wouldn’t talk to me, but Adam kept saying he would come around eventually. If I heard “just give him time” once more, I thought I would scream. How much time would it take? I really missed him.

Wednesday was pure torture. Between Asher avoiding me and the anticipation of Kane calling that evening, I was distracted all day. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Adam’s face.

As soon as the final bell rang, I shot out of the building like it was the first day of summer vacation. I drove straight to Adam’s house and, as soon as I opened the door, the scent of garlic and spices filled my nose. I followed the smell to the kitchen where I found Steve at the stove stirring something in a big pot.

“It that spaghetti sauce I smell?” I asked.

He jumped and spun around. “Oh, hey there, kiddo,” he called out. “I didn’t even hear you come in.” Then he really took me in. “Whoa, new look! Very stylish!”

“Thanks.” I sniffed the pot. “Smells good. I didn’t realize you were going to be here tonight.”

“It was one of those last-minute things,” he told me. “I know today is Kane’s birthday, and I know it’s hard on Adam, so I thought I’d come over and cook dinner for you guys. You know, offer a little moral support.”

“That was really nice of you.” I couldn’t hold back my grin any longer. I had to share my news or I’d burst. “I have a surprise that ought to cheer him up.”

“Oh, yeah? And what’s that?”

“If I told you then it wouldn’t be a surprise, now, would it?” I teased.

“What wouldn’t be a surprise?” Adam asked, walking into the kitchen.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Steve called over his shoulder as he dumped dry spaghetti noodles into boiling water. “If I can’t hear what it is then neither can you.”

Adam walked over and slipped his arms around Steve’s waist while kissing him on the back of the neck.

“Hey, don’t distract the cook,” Steve laughed. “And if you’re trying to get the secret out of me, it won’t work because I don’t know it.”

Adam pulled away from Steve, picked up a spaghetti strainer, and advanced on me. “Tell me the secret or I’ll strain it out of you,” he growled menacingly.

We all cracked up. The joking continued as I sat at the kitchen table under the warm yellow light from the overhead lamp and started my homework. Meanwhile, Steve and Adam puttered happily around me preparing dinner. At some point, someone put on some music and the grooves mixed with the pungent smell of garlic and oregano filling the house. The atmosphere in the Connelly kitchen was quite festive, and I realized that, for the first time in a very long time, I felt totally relaxed and happy.

I wasn’t worried about my dad coming home and being in a bad mood or interrogating me over dinner. I didn’t have to hide who I was. I was completely free to be myself, fully accepted.

I was home.

I stopped working to just bask in the moment. I wanted to commit it to memory. It was such a perfect domestic scene; unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

Then, smiling to myself, I went back to my work.

I had to move when Steve started setting the table. I was loathe to leave the warmth and security of the kitchen, however, so I stretched out on the floor and kept working until dinner was ready.

We had just sat down to eat when the doorbell rang.

“Who could that be?” Adam wondered.

“I’ll get it,” I offered, hoping it was Asher.

I opened the door and felt my eyes bug out of my head. I’d only seen the person standing at the door in photos, but I recognized him immediately. “Kane?” I gasped. “Oh my God! I thought you were just going to call. What are you doing here? How’d you get here?”

“You must be Killian,” he said softly, ignoring my barrage of questions. With a shy smile, he offered his hand.

I nodded as I shook it, my mind still processing this unexpected turn of events. I couldn’t believe Kane was standing on the porch. He wore baggy jeans and a far-too-large gray hoodie that came halfway down his thighs, a red T-shirt peeking out at the collar. The oversized clothes made him look like a lost little boy.

I couldn’t help comparing him with Seth. Where Seth had the long gangly frame of a runner, Kane was stockier—more solid and less delicate. That wasn’t the only difference. Kane was also quite a bit shorter, and his hair was a darker shade of red, more auburn. His eyes, though, were the same intense green as Seth’s. If Seth had looked like an elf prince, Kane looked like an elfin warrior.

“So, um...is my dad here?” he asked me after a few seconds.

I realized I was staring and quickly looked away. “Oh, uh, sorry, yeah,” I stuttered. “I just didn’t expect to see you. He’s, uh, in the kitchen.”

I moved aside to allow him in. As he stepped by, I noticed he had a backpack slung over his shoulder and was carrying a skateboard by the front axle.

“Who is it, Killian?” Adam called from the kitchen.

Kane’s eyes lit up at the sound of his father’s voice.

“Just a sec,” I spun toward the kitchen and yelled before pivoting back to Kane. “How did you get here? Are you staying? Does your mom know you’re here?” I was trying to keep my voice down, but it kept rising.

“I caught a bus and then a taxi,” he explained, attempting to match my low tones. His eyes kept sliding down the hallway toward the kitchen doorway. “I don’t know if I’m staying. I guess that depends on Dad. Mom thinks I’m spending the night with a friend for my birthday.” He got a impish glint in his eyes as a smirk spread across his face. “She’s gonna lost her shit when she finds out I’m not really at Connor’s house, but I don’t care. That’s what she gets for lying to me. I just had to see Dad.”

“Oh, jeez,” I moaned, wondering exactly how much trouble I’d gotten myself into. “Okay.” I took a deep breath and started again. “Okay, well, you’re here now so...let’s make the best of it. Hold on a second. I’ll go in and set it up.” The more I thought about the situation, the better it got. “Oh, man, this is so much cooler than just a phone call!”

Kane giggled nervously, and I shushed him. With another deep breath, I walked back into the kitchen.

“Who was it?” Adam asked. He and Steve had started eating while I was gone.

“You remember that surprise I mentioned earlier?”

Steve and Adam both looked up, their expressions filled with curiosity.

“Yes?” Adam said.

“Well, it didn’t turn out quite how I expected, but I’m pretty sure you’ll like this even better.”

“Did you order me something, Killian?” Adam asked me. “Whatever it is I’m sure I’ll love it.”

I sure hoped so. I took one more deep breath and called to Kane. “Come on in.”

He stepped slowly into the kitchen, as if suddenly uncertain of his welcome.

For a few moments, you could have heard the proverbial pin drop. Then Adam leapt up from the table with a clatter of discarded silverware and ran toward Kane, lifting him off his feet in a huge bear hug.

They spun around silently for a few moments before Adam set him down gently on his feet. When he pulled back, there were tears running down his cheeks.

He cupped Kane’s face in his hands. “Kane! How did you get here? Does your mother know you’re here?”

“I caught a bus, and no, she doesn’t know yet,” Kane answered. He sounded just as emotional as Adam.

“A bus? By yourself?” Adam pulled him in for another hug and looked at me over Kane’s head. “Was this your doing?”

“Sort of,” I admitted. “But I thought he was just gonna call.”

“Well, thank you,” he said, reaching out and drawing me into the hug as well. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Steve cleared his throat, and our little huddle broke up. “I think a phone call might be in order,” he suggested gently. Steve always seemed to be the voice of reason.

“Yes,” Adam agreed, although he didn’t sound very enthusiastic. “We need to call your mother. But first...let’s eat and just... enjoy this for a minute before all hell breaks loose. There’s plenty of food. Oh, Kane, this is my boyfriend, Steve. Steve, this is my son, Kane.”

“I knew you had a boyfriend!” Kane crowed.

“What?” Adam asked, confused.

“We’ll explain later,” I said. “Let’s just eat.”

“Okay,” Adam agreed happily. You could tell he was just happy Kane was there. “Wait! How could I forget? We have to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Kane!”

After a rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday,” we set another place at the table and sat down to eat. Although, there was a lot more conversation than eating going on. We started with explanations about how I’d found Kane, then Kane had to tell us about his bus ride, then we all spent a few minutes catching up.

My glow of contentment from earlier had only deepened, filling me with an unfamiliar sense of familial warmth.

When dinner was finished and we’d rinsed and stacked everything in the dishwasher, Adam sighed. “Well, I think we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s call your mother.”

Kane pulled out his phone and called home. After a few rings, he began to talk, explaining quickly where he was. We could only hear his side of the conversation, but things seemed to go downhill faster than an Olympic skier.

“But Mom—” he kept saying, as she apparently kept cutting him off. Finally, he just sighed and held the phone out to his father.

Adam winced, but reluctantly took the phone. “Hello, Eve,” he said guardedly. “It’s been a long time.” He closed his eyes and listened for a moment. “No, I had no idea he was coming.” Pause. “No, I didn’t secretly sneak him down here.” Pause. “No, Eve, it’s not a kidnapping. Don’t call the police. There’s no sense in blowing this out of proportion.” Long pause. “That’s fine, then, I’ll look forward to seeing you.”

He ended the call and added, “About as much as I look forward to having all my teeth ripped from my head while having all my body hair plucked out and ice picks shoved through my eyes and...and—”

I couldn’t help it, I started laughing. Adam looked over at me with a half-smile. After a few seconds, he too began to chuckle. The tension broke, and soon we were all howling. The easy, comfortable feeling from earlier returned.

“So what did she say?” Steve asked.

“A lot that I won’t repeat,” Adam said with a wry smile, “but the gist of it, once we’d established that I was a no-good, lying, kidnapping son-of-a-bitch that she never should have married, was that she’ll be down late tomorrow afternoon to pick you up, Kane.”

“You mean I get to spend the night?” he asked excitedly.

“Yep,” Adam confirmed. “And we’d better make the most of it, because it might be the last time until you turn eighteen.”

Kane sighed, but then brightened up almost immediately. “Can we play board games?”

We moved to the living room where we played board games as per the birthday boy’s request, accompanied by much laughing and joking around. Kane turned out to be very funny and clever once he relaxed. Things bogged down a bit at one point, though, when everyone started reminiscing about Seth. We all got a little teary, until eventually Kane and Adam started telling anecdotes about Seth when he was younger, and, in no time, we were all laughing again, though now our mood held a bittersweet undercurrent.

The doorbell rang again, and everyone turned to look at me.

“What?” I asked.

“Is this another surprise?” Steve asked.

“If so, it isn’t mine,” I told them. “But I’ll answer it anyway.”

I flipped on the porch light as I opened the front door—and froze.

“Hi, Killian.”

I stood staring at Asher, unsure of what to say. He was just about the last person I expected to see.

“Mom said you stopped by,” he broke the silence.

“Two days ago,” I answered.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“It’s kind of late,” I wasn’t sure why I was being such a bitch. After all, I was the one who’d wanted to reconcile. I guess part of me felt like he was interrupting my family time after totally avoiding me for over a week.

“Look, can we talk?” he said, sounding exasperated. “I don’t care if it’s inside or out, but I feel dumb standing at the door.”

I thought for a second, then called into the house, “It’s for me. I’ll be a few minutes.”

I stepped out onto the porch without waiting for an answer and shut the door behind me. I stared at him expectantly. He’d looked as if made a special effort with his appearance. I even thought I caught a whiff of aftershave. He stood with his hands stuffed into his pockets, looking everywhere but at me.

I waited, and he waited until, finally, I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “You said you wanted to talk?”

“Yeah.”

“So talk.”

He shifted from one foot to the other, seemingly at a loss for words.

“So far, this could have been a text,” I said trying to make a joke, but it landed with a thud.

“Would you have answered?”

“Hey, I’m the one who came by your house, remember? I’ve been looking for you every day at school. You’ve obviously been avoiding me. Don’t act like this is somehow my fault.”

He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, Killian. I’m sorry I got mad the other day, and you’re right, I have been avoiding you. I’m sorry for that, too. Adam explained to me how all...how everything that happened has messed with your head, how much it scared you, took away your sense of safety and made it harder for you to trust people.”

“He said all that?” I was surprised.

“Yeah. Maybe I should’ve understood it right away, but I wasn’t ready. I was upset that you could even believe for one second that I could hurt—let alone kill—someone. I’ve thought about it a lot, though, and I think I finally understand. I guess what I’m trying to say is...I’m ready to try again...that is, if you want to.”

“I... I do want to try, but...”

“But what?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Frustration filled his voice.

“What if every time we have a problem you run off the way you did? Plus, after you told me all those things Adam said, maybe I shouldn’t even be in a relationship right now. And I’m not ready to come out at school. I... I don’t want to end up like Seth.”

My voice cracked and struggled to maintain my composure.

Asher shifted uncertainly, as if he weren’t sure what he should do. After a moment’s hesitation, he moved closer and wrapped his arms around me. I bit my lip to keep from crying as he just held me for a few moments.

He dropped his arms and stepped back awkwardly, avoiding looking directly at me. “All I can do is say I’ll try my best not to run away again, but I don’t guess I can make any guarantees. It’s my personality. I hate conflict, and I’ll do whatever I can to avoid it.”

“Like I enjoy it,” I sniffled into his arm.

“I know you don’t enjoy it, but you don’t run from it either. Look at how you stood up to Zack and Jesse, and then to your dad. You’re a lot braver than you give yourself credit for. I guess... I guess what I’m trying to say is I’d like for us to try dating, but only if you trust me and you’re ready for a relationship. I’m willing to take the risk if you are.”

“But...”

“Hang on. I’m not finished. I have no intentions of coming out at school either, whether we’re together or not. I don’t want to deal with that any more than you do. At least not for a while.” He paused and his eyes darted in my direction. “And if you don’t want to date, I understand that, too, and I want us to stay friends. This isn’t like an ultimatum. We can go slow if that’s what you need. Whatever you decide, I’m here for you.”

I took his chin and turned him to face me. I stared into his eyes, trying to judge his sincerity, and found myself lost in their depths. I felt as if I were falling into the night sky, tumbling toward the moon. How could I have missed noticing his eyes before? They were an odd color, kind of a silvery-gray. They were beautiful.

“What?” he asked.

“It’s...nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “I just... I need some time to think about it.”

Asher gave me a hurt look. “More time?”

“It’s a lot to process!”

“But if you weren’t ready, why’d you come looking for me?”

“Because I missed you, you big dummy. And I felt bad that I’d hurt your feelings. I’m not asking for a week or anything, just tonight. I’ll give you an answer tomorrow. I promise.”

He nodded, stepped back, then quickly stepped in close again and kissed me softly on the lips. Without even giving me time to react, he spun around and leaped off the porch in a single jump. He stopped at his car and gave me an awkward wave, then jumped in and drove off.

I stood alone on the porch for several minutes before going back inside. Everyone was very respectful about my brief absence. In fact, they all studiously avoided asking me about it at all, which made me even more suspicious. I wondered if one of them had checked on me but shook it off and, soon, the mood from earlier was recaptured—for the most part. I was maybe just a little more distracted than before.

After a few more games, Adam announced that it was time for bed. This caused some discussion about where Kane was going to sleep. There were only two bedrooms. There was the couch in the living room, but it wasn’t very comfortable to sleep on, as I’d discovered during my recuperation. Finally, we decided he would bunk with me. Steve, of course, was sleeping with Adam. We all took turns in the bathroom, then went to our respective rooms.

Seth’s bed was queen-size, so after some brief negotiation, Kane and I decided to share instead of one of us sleeping on the floor. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t want to sleepy in the same bed as a bed with a gay guy, but it didn’t seem to faze him in the least.

We stripped down to our T-shirts and boxers, climbed under the covers, and I snapped out the light. We settled in, squirming and wiggling until we were comfortable. We said our good nights, and silence fell as softly as a blanket.

I was so tired I started drifting off right away. I was almost asleep when Kane cleared his throat and whispered, “Hey, I’m really you called me. I don’t even know how to thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. The look on Adam’s face when you stepped into the kitchen was all the thanks I needed. And seeing you guys together, seeing how happy you both were... it’s the closest I’ve ever felt to what a real family must be like. I’m an only child and my dad is nothing like yours, to say the least.”

“What about your mom?”

“She’s great, but we were never the kind of family that sat around and played board games. Or had any sort of fun, really.”

“Oh. Gotcha.” He went quiet for a few seconds, and I wondered if the conversation was over. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

I hesitated. “Yeah, go ahead.”

“When you called me last week, you said you were living with my dad because your dad kicked you out. How come?”

I decided to give him the condensed version. “He didn’t react very well when he found out I was gay.”

“How did he find out?”

Apparently, he wasn’t satisfied with just an abridged tale.

“I went to Seth’s memorial service. Dad was there and saw me. When I got home, he was really angry and started yelling at me.” I shrugged in the dark. “So I just told him.”

“Why was your dad there? Did he know Seth?”

“No. I’m sure he was there for political reasons. He’s the State’s Attorney for the county. Seth’s murder was kind of a big deal. We don’t have many random killings here, especially not teenagers.”

“But if he was there, why was he mad at you for being there?”

“I wasn’t supposed to hang out with Seth.”

“Because he was gay?”

“Yeah. He was furious that I was there. He said I embarrassed him. He said a bunch of horrible stuff, and I got so angry I just blurted out that I was gay too.”

“And then he kicked you out?”

“After he beat the crap out of me.”

Kane sat up. “He hit you?”

“Yeah. He put me in the hospital.”

“Fuck! I’m so sorry.”

I shrugged. “At least it got me out of there. I’m already happier here than I ever was there.”

He slowly laid back down and was quiet for a few minutes. I once again thought maybe we were done, but then he spoke. “How did you know you were gay?”

“It’s funny, I asked Seth that same question the first time we hung out. I’ll tell you what he told me: you just know. I guess it’s the same way you know you’re straight, only I like boys instead of girls. Once, before everything happened, I was here hanging out with Seth, and he told me he thought I was gay. He kissed me and I freaked out, but afterward it made me think about a lot of things that I’d been purposefully avoiding and...I realized he was right. I had just been blind, like he said.”

He was quiet for a minute, then: “I have to tell you something. Please don’t be mad at me.” I tensed up. “I went to check on you when you were gone for a while tonight, and I saw that guy kiss you on the front porch. I didn’t mean to, like, spy on you or anything. I hope you’re not mad.”

“No, it’s okay,” I said quietly and with more than a little relief.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

The kid was just full of questions.

“No. I don’t know. Maybe.”

He laughed. “Thanks for clearing that up. What’s his name?”

“His name is Asher. We’ve been friends since his family moved next door in the second grade. He just told me recently that he’s had a crush on me for years. We’re still working stuff out. I don’t know if we’ll end up together.”

“Do you like him?”

“Yeah,” I answered quietly.

“Then you should date him. You deserve someone who makes you happy. You’re such a nice guy.”

“I’m just me,” I said growing a little uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken. “I’m not perfect by a long shot.”

“I didn’t say you were, but I don’t know many people who would go out of their way to find somebody’s son and bring them back together. That was really thoughtful and kind. In some ways, you remind me of Seth.”

I heard him sniffle, and I fought my own tears that were threatening, blinking rapidly while staring up at the ceiling.

After a few seconds, he pulled himself together and said, “Sorry, I don’t usually act like this, I swear. Just seeing Dad and being here in Seth’s room and knowing he’s gone, and you being so cool, it’s just got me kind of up in my feels.”

“Kane, you don’t have to apologize to me. You’ve been through a lot. Believe me, I understand. And no one in my entire life has ever called me cool. I can die happy.”

I realized what I’d said as soon as the words left my mouth, “I mean— I didn’t—"

He snorted. “It’s all good. I know what you meant. For the record, I think you’re pretty cool. Hey, uh, would you be, like, my honorary big brother? Since, you know, I don’t have one anymore?”

I took a deep breath and started blinking again. “Yeah,” I answered, my voice raspy with barely contained emotion. “I would be honored to be your big brother.”

I could see his grin even in the dark. “Thanks. I wish I lived here with you and Dad,” he said wistfully. “That way I could be with you guys all the time.”

“Well, maybe you can talk your mom into visiting again at least.”

He sighed. “I doubt it. Like Dad said, Mom probably won’t let me see him again until I’m eighteen.”

“We’ll think of something.”

“You don’t know my mom,” he said darkly.

“There’s got to be a way. But for now, we’d better get some sleep now. I have school in the morning.”

“Can’t you just skip?”

I laughed. “I wish, but between the stabbing and my dad using me as a punching bag, I’ve already missed several weeks. I only started back on Monday, so I should probably go.”

He sighed again, much more dramatically this time. “Yeah, I get it. I guess it’s true that all good things do have to come to an end. Night, Killian.”

“Sleep tight, Kane.”