The Freshmen - 39. Chapter 39

 

October 4, 2004

Harvard University

Cambridge, MA

Will

I sat in the library studying for my economics test tomorrow. The professor had been vague about what would be covered and even how big it would be, but I’d found out through former students of his that it would be either a small exam or a large quiz, so I planned accordingly. I had all my notes organized like I was Wade and went through them methodically, making sure that I understood the concepts and not just the words. I decided that I was as ready as I could be so I switched gears, pulled out my laptop, and started working on a paper for English that was due on Friday. No sooner had I gotten into the paper than I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out and found a message from Thor asking me to meet him for dinner. The realization that it was almost 7:00pm pulled me out of my study haze. Once I came up for air, I noticed that I was really hungry. “OK,” I texted him back. “Annenberg,” he responded.

I put my stuff away and headed to Annenberg. It was unfortunate that the food wasn’t as good as the building was beautiful. I casually walked around, looking for Thor while saying hi to people I knew, until I finally found him. He’d snagged a pretty private table off in the corner. “Hey,” I said and put my backpack down on the chair.

“Thanks for meeting me,” he said.

“No problem,” I replied. “Food.” He chuckled then got up and followed me through the line where we loaded up our trays with all kinds of crap. I’d found that I had to get a lot here because some of it was inedible. We finally got back to our table and there was barely room for all the food we’d gotten.

“I wanted to talk to you about something, and I don’t want you to get mad at me,” he said nervously.

I tensed up because I had no idea what he was going to dump on me. “You’re asking me to be patient and hear you out?”

“Yeah,” he said and smiled at me briefly to thank me.

“I’ll do my best,” I said, smiling back at him.

“You really helped me out last night,” he said. “I thought a lot about Schaef and that Keith dude, and you were right.”

“This time I wish I wasn’t,” I said sadly.

“No, I’m glad you were. The whole time I was there it was like Schaef was distracted, but I didn’t know by what,” he said.

“Or by who,” I added.

“I think that the night I got in a fight with him, Keith had probably had enough of me being there and monopolizing this guy that he was dating, and that’s what caused him to get all physical with Schaef,” he said, shaking his head. “I hadn’t picked up on that before.”

“I can kind of see that,” I said. “I wonder if Schaef had even told him you were together?”

“I don’t know,” Thor said, contemplating that.

“Schaef may have told Keith that you were best friends and left out the part that you were in a relationship,” I hypothesized. “If I was with a dude and an old friend of his came to town and it started to seem like they were lovers, I’d be a little pissed off.”

He stared at me, the reality starting to hit him. “I almost feel bad for fighting with the dude.” Then he got pissed off pretty fast. “I thought Schaef loved me, and instead he was just playing me.”

‘Kind of seems that way,” I said. He was furious about that. “I think the biggest mistake he made in this thing was not being honest with you.”

“No shit,” he agreed.

“This is why it was so important for me to have this laid out before I left Travis behind to come here,” I explained. He grimaced. “If Schaef had had this talk with you about opening up your relationship before he left, and he’d let you know about Keith when they started dating, this whole thing would have gone a lot better.”

“Duh,” he agreed. “I guess that the way I reacted sort of explains why he didn’t talk to me about it before that.” I could feel the guilt in him as he worked this through his mind.

“I don’t think that’s right,” I said. “You reacted badly, but you got to that point in the end. Isn’t that why you went down to New Orleans, to try to understand how an open relationship would work for the two of you?”

“Yeah, but my initial reaction sucked,” he grumbled.

“Dude, there are a lot of times I’ve been with a guy and we’ve had volatile shit to deal with,” I said. “Part of loving someone is coping with that.”

“Maybe I didn’t really love him,” Thor said.

“I don’t think that was it at all,” I said.

“Maybe he didn’t love me,” he suggested.

“I don’t know what he was like when you guys were together before you moved here so I can’t offer an opinion on that,” I said.

“You’re thinking something,” he said. “Spill it.”

“You want my opinion?” I asked. “Even though it’s probably wrong?”

“Yeah,” he said, acting like I was an idiot for even asking him that.

“I think that he loved you, but when he went to Tulane, he probably felt really free, because he could actually be gay there,” I said. “He couldn’t be out and be with you in Minnesota.”

“That was my fault,” he said, the guilt oozing out of him. I ignored that.

“So he was there and had his freedom, and he liked it,” I said. “I don’t think that means he didn’t love you, and it may not mean that he still doesn’t. What it really means is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now.”

“He’s with Keith,” Thor objected.

“He probably met this guy, they started going out, and it’s new and exciting,” I said. “I’ll bet he makes sure it doesn’t get too serious.”

“Doesn’t really matter,” he said. “I called Schaef and basically got him to admit to most of this shit. Then when he was done lying and bullshitting me, I ended things.”

“Was he upset?” I asked.

“At first he acted like he was, then he actually seemed relieved,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” I said sympathetically.

“No,” he said, to stop me from commiserating with him. “I was willing to try to have an open relationship with him, but he treated me like shit. I went to see him, and he all but ignored me to spend time with his new guy.”

“Travis came to see me at the Olympics and told me that if I wanted to fuck an athlete, that was fine with him. I told him that’s not how this open relationship works. When we’re together, we’re together. I explained to him that I’d be really pissed off if he went off with someone else,” I said.

“That’s exactly how it was,” he said.

“How did you end it?” I asked. “Are you still friends?”

“No,” he said, responding to my last question first. “I called him and accused him of blowing me off for Keith and laid into him for not sticking up for me. He told me that I was an asshole for going after Keith, and that it was all my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I insisted. “If he’d told you about his deal with Keith, you wouldn’t have gone after him.”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“The way I see it, you were sticking up for your boyfriend who was being groped at a bar,” I said. “I’d beat the shit out of someone if they did that to Travis.”

“He doesn’t see it that way,” he said.

“Well he’s wrong,” I said, getting a grin from Thor.

“I told him that he treated me like shit and that we were done,” Thor said. I was surprised that he didn’t seem upset about that. “He told me he still wanted to be friends and I told him to go fuck himself.” I was having a hard time reading his mood, because it seemed to swing from calm to bitter and back again.

“What did he say to that?” I asked.

“I hung up on him after that,” he said. “He’s tried to call me but I didn’t answer.”

“Are you over him?” I asked.

“It still hurts, but I’m doing better than I thought I would,” he said, then swallowed hard before going on. “Once I’d ended things, it was like the spell had been broken.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, totally confused.

“I really loved Schaef, but after I broke up with him, I realized that I’m not gay,” he said. That really surprised me, but I kept my mouth shut. “As soon as he was out of my life, my entire focus shifted to women. I think I was with him because I loved him, not because I liked men.” When Zach had tried to sell me that bullshit, I’d called him on it because I knew he was wrong. Thor seemed more sincere. I decided to classify him as bisexual in my mind.

“Wow, that’s like a whole new world opening up in front of you,” I said supportively. “Kind of pisses me off, though. I missed my chance to hook up with you.”

He smiled and blushed at that, looking so fucking cute when he did. “So with that revelation, I decided that I wanted to have some time in the single.” I’d been going along with this, being a supportive friend, but with that, he’d all but thrust a sword into my heart.

“Dude, I would never molest you,” I said, and was both horrified and angry. This is what he was nervous about. This is why he’d asked me to be patient. He saw how furious and hurt I was, and his expression changed to one of concern.

“That didn’t even cross my mind,” he insisted. “You’re like my best friend here. I don’t want to upset you or hurt you, and this has nothing to do with you, but I think I need some space for a few months.”

“Yeah, I’m your best friend, but you’re afraid to share a room with me,” I said bitterly. I looked around, trying to figure out how to escape from this place.

“Come on, Will,” he said earnestly. “It’s not like that at all.”

“It’s not?” I asked, trying to control my volume. “You told me you wanted to rearrange the rooms so we could share for the whole year. Your boyfriend came out here and we even double-dated. Then you tell me that you changed your mind. There is no fucking way you can tell me this isn’t about me.”

“It’s not about you at all,” he insisted, but I didn’t believe him. “Didn’t you ever go through a big upheaval and then need some space?” he asked me plaintively.

“You tell me I’m your best friend and then you shove me away,” I said bitterly. “That makes no sense at all.”

“I’m not shoving you away; I’m telling you that I need to be by myself to figure out who I am,” he said.

“You mean to figure out if you’re really straight, or if you’re bisexual?” I asked.

“I know I’m straight,” he said emphatically. It was at that point that I realized there was no point in arguing about this, because he’d already made up his mind, and because he was grappling with a much bigger issue.

“I would be really upset if you were doing this to get away from me,” I said honestly.

“I am not doing that,” he insisted. We said nothing for a bit and just focused on eating.

“So how are the rooms being rearranged?” I asked.

“I talked to Fab, gave him an incentive, and he agreed to swap with me,” Thor said.

“Incentive?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He frowned at me. “I gave him a couple of thousand dollars.”

“Money,” I said, shaking my head. “That is so boring.” That made him laugh.

“Tell me that we’re okay,” he said, almost begging me. I wasn’t convinced that we were, but no good would come from arguing about it.

“We’re okay,” I said, then fist bumped him. I really didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him, and he’d crushed me when he’d decided to move out of our room, but I bit back the pain from that rejection and managed to put up my happy façade.

“I’ve got to head to the library,” he said.

“Did you already move all of your stuff?” I asked, like I wanted the knife to grind even deeper into my soul.

“Yeah,” he said nervously. “When Fab and I worked the deal out, that was about the only time we both had available to do it.”

“Makes sense,” I said. “The other guys are cool with it?”

“Niko was fine, but Scotty wasn’t home,” he said. It was funny that he already referred to our suite as ‘home’.

“Can’t see why he’d be pissed,” I said. “I’ll see you later.”

“Later,” he responded. I left the dining hall and slowly meandered toward the suite, calling Travis as I walked.

“S’up?” he asked as he answered the phone.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” I asked.

“No,” he said, then chuckled. “I was studying tomorrow’s script and fell asleep.”

“Sorry I woke you up,” I said.

“I love it when you call me,” he said, making me smile. “How was your day?”

“Weird,” I said. He didn’t say anything; he just waited for me to tell him why. “I had dinner with Thor.”

“Was the food shitty?” Travis asked, trying to coax me back into a good mood.

“The food was adequate, but the conversation was disturbing,” I said. “Thor broke up with Schaef, then decided that he wasn’t gay after all.”

“He seemed pretty gay to me,” Travis said, probably thinking about how he’d acted on our tour of Boston.

“He said he likes women, but because he loved Schaef so much, he didn’t really care that he was a dude,” I said.

“What a crock of shit,” Travis said.

“It could happen,” I said. Before he could argue with me, I continued talking. “You’ve seen that big statue of Andre in the Great Hall, right?”

“Yeah,” Travis said. “He was the dude killed in Vietnam?”

“He was,” I said sadly. “He was Grand’s first real love. Grand told me that Andre was basically straight, but he loved Grand so much he didn’t give a shit that he had a dick. So it can happen.”

“Alright, I’ll admit that’s a thing, but I just don’t see it in Thor,” he countered.

“I’m not sure that I do either,” I said, then got glum. “He talked to Fab and they swapped rooms.”

“He moved out on you?” Travis asked, both stunned and pissed off at Thor.

“Yeah,” I said. He heard the sadness in my voice, especially when it cracked a bit. “He says this has nothing to do with me, but there’s no way I believe him.”

“I am so sorry,” Travis said. “Do you want me to grab a jet and come up to see you tomorrow?”

“That is so nice of you,” I said, and then all of my thoughts about Thor and his issues vanished. It was the sweetest thing to offer to drop everything and lug himself up here just to try to make me feel better. “You are so awesome. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he said.

“I don’t want you to trek all the way up here,” I said. “You have to get up early to shoot. That would really mess up your schedule.”

“Will, if you need me, I’ll be there,” he said.

“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll let you get back to studying your lines.”

“Good idea,” he said, then ended the call. I went back to the suite and no one was there. I went into my room and noticed Fab’s stuff on his side of the room and smiled. I enjoyed him and we had a good bond. Having him here instead of Thor was probably going to be a lot more fun. I pulled on my workout clothes and jogged over to the gym. I dealt with my issues with Thor by working out my muscles. It was arm day, and by the time I was done my biceps were so tired they were incapable of keeping my arms raised. Only working out hadn’t calmed my mind like I’d hoped it would, so I took a shower, got dressed, grabbed my backpack, and hopped on the Segway to head to Matt and Wade’s house. The Segway was so perfect for trips like this. That was such an amazing gift.

I got there at 11:00pm, and the house was eerily dark. I used my key to enter, disabled the alarm, then wandered around looking for anyone who was awake. When I got to the study, I found the doors closed but light shining underneath them. I knocked softly, but loudly enough for whoever was in there to hear. “Enter,” I heard Wade say.

I walked in to find Wade at his desk with papers organized in neat piles, busily banging away at his keyboard. “I’m sorry to bother you,” I said, feeling guilty for breaking his concentration. “I’ll let you get back to work.”

“Stay,” he ordered with a smile. “Close that door behind you.”

“If you’re sure…” I said, then saw him get annoyed.

“What brought you over here when only the night owl is awake?” he asked me with a smile. He got up and went to the seating area, his way of telling me to join him. It was so funny that he had his office set up almost the same way that Grand did.

“Thor went to New Orleans, came back and broke up with his boyfriend, then swapped rooms with Fab so we aren’t sharing anymore,” I said.

“He just blew you off?” Wade asked.

“We had dinner tonight and he told me how important our friendship is, blah blah blah, but I keep feeling like I got dumped since he moved out,” I said morosely. That was my cue to relay the entire deal with Thor, from his fight on his trip to New Orleans to his big announcement that he was straight.

“You’re probably feeling really shit on, and that’s totally understandable since you were, but I doubt that’s what this is about,” Wade said. “I don’t think this is about you.”

“How does him moving out of our room after he was the one who asked me to live with him not involve me?” I asked, showing my annoyance.

“Do you want to hear my theory?” he asked. His tone was almost scolding.

“Yes,” I said in a resigned way.

“You said that Thor says he’s straight now,” Wade said. “What do you think the chances are that he messes around with men again?”

I thought about that for a bit. He was definitely at least bisexual, even if he wouldn’t admit it. “I think he’ll have sleazy encounters.”

“I think you’re right, but those will be a secret,” he said.

“So he doesn’t like me because I’m out and proud?” I asked. “He seemed fine with it before.”

“Wait,” Wade said. “We got sidetracked. Let me tell you the whole thing, then you can tell me I’m full of shit.”

“Go on,” I said.

“He can’t stand the temptation,” Wade said. “You are really hot, and if he’s in the same room with you, he’s going to end up fucking you.”

“Thanks,” I said, since he’d told me I looked really good and he’d said it with total sincerity.

“He needs to not be tempted, and he needs to hang out with the straight dudes,” Wade said. “I think that the reasons that he moved out were because of those two things. He got rid of the temptation, and he hooked himself up with some straight role models.”

“That sucks,” I said, then smiled. “I kind of wanted to fuck him.”

“Maybe that will still happen,” Wade observed. “You could have sneaky sex in the shower.” I laughed at that, then started to pull this together.

“Thank you,” I said to him. “You put that into such good perspective.”

“Glad I could help,” he said.

“I was kind of sad that going to school here ripped me away from Grand, but you are so like him it’s as if he’s here,” I said.

“That is probably the biggest compliment I have gotten,” he said. I stood up to leave, so he stood up with me. “I’m glad you came over. Never worry about bothering me. I barely sleep anyway.”

“This place is brutal,” I said, referring to Harvard. I hopped on the Segway and went back to campus. When I got to the suite, there was a light on in the main room, but the bedrooms were dark except for a soft light coming from ours. I quietly plugged the Segway in then headed back to my room. I walked in to find Fab sitting up in his bed, reading a textbook, with his reading light on.

“You are back,” he said to me in French.

“I am back,” I replied in that same language. I locked the door behind me, then tossed my backpack on the floor and crashed on my bed.

“You are okay with sharing a room with me?” he asked. He was a bit nervous, and that reminded me that I wasn’t the only person who had developed insecurities over all this shit.

“I am very happy that I’m sharing a room with you,” I said. He looked at me skeptically so I got up, went over to his bed and sat on it next to him.

“This does not mean you are allowed to jump into my bed without an invitation,” he joked.

“Want me to move?” I asked seductively.

“I do not,” he said. “You and Thor seemed very close, so I was surprised by his big move.”

“I can explain it to you, but it must stay between us,” I said. He started to get annoyed, then calmed down.

“I will say nothing,” he said. “You can trust me.” I smiled at him and gave him a brief kiss to seal the deal.

“Never doubted it for a minute,” I said, then I laid out the whole thing between Thor and Schaef, and then relayed my conversation with Thor this evening.

“I am sorry,” he said, then grabbed my hand and stroked it gently. “I know how much this must hurt you.”

“I’m dealing with it just fine,” I lied.

“I am perhaps projecting my own feelings onto you,” he said.

“How are you doing that?” I asked curiously.

“I would say that the thing that I find the most difficult and the most upsetting is rejection,” he said.

I thought about that for a minute. “I’m having a hard time picturing that, since you took such a big risk with my father and Jake.”

He raised an eyebrow to challenge me, suggesting that it was no risk at all because he was so sexy, and that made both of us chuckle. “I am fine if I do not care about the person, but if I do, it is crushing.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. He just shook his head, as if to blow it off.

“When you tell me this story, and I see how badly you were rejected, it makes me very sad for you because I would have dealt with this so much more badly,” he said.

“It’s not easy,” I said. “When was the last time you had to deal with that?”

“That is why I was late arriving in the US,” he said, and a tear fell out of his eye. I leaned in and kissed it away, getting an appreciative smile from him.

“What happened?” I asked. He grimaced and I could feel his whole body tighten up, wracked with anxiety. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about this.”

“I was seeing a gorgeous young woman named Marielle, and I was also involved with my best friend, who is named Jacques,” he said. “I loved them both, but I knew that of the two of them, it would be hardest to leave Marielle.”

“Did they both know that you were with the other person?” I asked.

“They did,” he said. “I like open relationships, and they do as well. It really was not a problem.”

“So what happened?”

“As my time to move here got nearer, they both got colder toward me. I figured they were just trying to create some distance so it did not hurt as much when I left. I tried to persuade Marielle to move to the US with me. She is a model, and I thought that perhaps she could be successful in New York,” he said. “She was not interested in that, because she had contacts in Paris and she said that the opportunities were greater for her in France.”

“I can see that, especially if she had contacts,” I said, more to show him I was listening intently.

“The day before I was scheduled to leave, I went out with them and they told me that they were a couple, and that I was out of their lives,” he said.

“They just blew you off like that?” I asked, stunned.

“They said they were out of my life sexually, but I have a tendency to link sex and love,” he said. “In their minds, they were merely redefining our relationship into a friendship. To me, they both had shit on me.”

“I am so sorry,” I said, and rolled over to pull him into a warm hug.

“That is perhaps why I was so slutty with your relatives,” he said, smiling at me. “I needed to feel loved.”

“I understand,” I said, then smiled. “I think it’s time for some sexual healing.” He laughed with me, I kissed him, then I fucked him. After we were done, I dragged him over to my bed to avoid the wet spots, then I fell asleep totally wrapped up with him, and the pain I had over Thor’s antics was largely forgotten.