If Furniture Could Talk - 2. Bob the Blabbermouth Bed

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

"Calm down, King-sized bed!"

"I can't. Didn't you see what those two guys were doing?"

"We all saw. So, they were having sex. People do that."

"But they don't do it all over YOU, Nightstand!"

"Well, yes, I suppose that's true."

"I hope someone changes my sheets soon. I feel so..."

"Dirty?"

"No! Used. Why couldn't they do it on the floor? It's carpeted, probably soft enough."

Nightstand, Desk and the two Dressers chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

Mirrored Dresser replied, "You weren't here yet. They have done it on the floor."

"Oh, that poor carpet. But they're like, just kids, right?"

"A little more than kids. Your tenant is fifteen. I don't know how old his butt-buddy is, but probably around the same. And Carpet is fine. They were on sleeping bags the few times they did it. You're very new here. Your predecessor was too small for the two boys to fuck on her.

"Which she was eternally grateful for after watching them on the floor."

"You ain't kidding Tall Boy."

"Am I going to have to put up with that every night? I mean, I think that was a pretty sucky thing to do to your new bed the first night."

Used Desk spoke up, "Oh, I think first night fucks are pretty much the norm for new beds."

Nightstand added his 2 cents, "They did do the sucky-suck thing a few times on Miss Twin."

"So, it won't be every night?"

"Not until school is out. They have to limit their sleepovers to weekends and holiday eves. But after that... You'd better hope your springs are in good shape."

"Hey, Nightstand! I resent that, I'm memory foam. Ain't no springs in me."

"I apologize; I can't tell that you're spring-free."

"And what's with this sucky-suck thing, anyway?"

"Should I tell him? Or let it be a surprise?"

"Get it over with, Nightstand. Now that he knows there's something to say about it, he won't shut up until you tell him."

"I guess. Anyway, KSB, sucky-suck is when one of the guys sticks his pisser into the other guy's mouth and does the shoving in and out motion, like they did to each other's asses just now."

"Ewwww, gross. Getting that sticky stuff on my sheets is bad enough. Having it land on me directly and I have to swallow it? Yuck. Just, yuck!"

Tall Boy responded, "They seemed to like it a lot."

Used Desk spoke up again, "In my old house, a lady slept on the bed. A few times the lady bled all over the place. They even had to replace Bed's mattress a couple times. So, just as she was finally getting used to the mattress sleeping on her, they swapped it out, twice."

King-sized Bed shuddered, well, not literally, "Yeah, that would be awful."

"That's not the worst part. Once, mixed in with the blood, was something that looked like a tiny human. Don't ask me how it got there, though."

"Oh, fuck, I hope I never end up with a bloody tiny human on me."

"I don't think that can happen."

"No? Why not Tall Boy?"

"Well, when two guys fuck, neither one can get pregnant. I'm pretty sure that mini human was still being assembled when it wanted out so bad it broke through all that blood."

Mirrored Dresser was getting tired of this conversation, "Can we talk about something else? None of you have to watch what's going on in here from two directions."

"How can you do that?"

"My mirror reflects what happens in front of it, so I get it straight, and bounced. I tell ya, you don't miss much that way."

"Can I borrow your mirror next time?"

"No. You wouldn't be strong enough to hold it. You'd probably let it hit the floor and break into a hundred pieces, Nightstand."

"You guys always pick on me because I'm little."

Tall Boy and Mirrored Dresser echoed each other's responses, "Well, size does matter."

Nightstand huffed and kept his drawers shut.

"So, other than fucking and sucking, what goes on around here for fun?"

Tall Boy had a quick reply, "Not much is more fun than watching two guys fuck."

"Oh, God."

"What, Mirror?"

"You like watching guys fuck. Are you gay?"

"I, um. I just meant..."

"It's OK, we don't care who you like to have put their hands in your drawers."

"Well, it's not like I have a choice. Only the guy puts his hands in me a lot. The woman, like once a week she refills my drawers. I take the fondling wherever I can get it."

Mirror kept up the razzing, "Oh, so you're pan-sexual?"

"I swear, I didn't touch the frying pan. Whatever he said isn't true."

"That's not what it means. Although I can't figure out how or why he got into your pants in the first place."

"Yeah, well, why the guy that lives here needed to hide him in me, I'll never know. But I do wish he'd do it again."

“So, you did do something with the frying pan?”

“No. It’s just that he was warm and it was a chilly night.”

Mirror finally relented, “If you say so, Tall Boy.”

“So, how do I get someone to change my sheets?”

Nightstand needed to be heard from again, “Ask nicely?”

“You’re the only ones that can hear me, and none of you can move or have hands.”

“Ask the clock, then,” said Nightstand, sarcastically.

“Clock, will you come change my sheets!”

That brought a round of laughter from the room.

“What’d I say?”

“He’s got hands, sure, but he can’t get down from the wall.”

“Sorry. How was I supposed to know? Two days out in the world, I’m still learning.”

Tall Boy tried to truly help, “Yank all the corners off your mattress. If the sheets are all loose, the boy will take them off.”

Later

That kind of worked for Bed, the boy came in later, noticed the sheets all loose and messy, and took them off. He threw them into Hamper.

“Oh, yuck, they smell awful.”

Mirrored Dresser laughed, “Haha. At least I get them after they get cleaned.”

Bed wondered, "What's he doing now?"

"Getting naked. This is one time I like having a mirror. Wooo, look at that ass!"

"But why is he getting naked in the middle of the afternoon?"

Bed's question was answered when the boy laid directly on top of Bed's mattress.

"Oh, geez. His ass is right on me."

Mirrored Dresser was jealous, "I wish it was me."

"Uh oh."

"What, Used Desk?"

"He's starting to pull on his pisser."

"Why is that bad?"

"It's not bad, I think it's awesome."

"OK, Tall Boy, we've discovered you're gay, just keep your pants in their drawer."

"I'll try."

"Whoa, that's better, he turned on his side."

"Yeah, good thing he's still facing us, huh, Mirrored Dresser?"

"Uh huh. Look at him work his pisser. He's gonna shoot the white stuff soon."

"You're so lucky, Bed. I wish he'd shoot that cream on me."

"What do you mean, Tall Boy? Ewww, ewww, ewww, he's getting it all over my mattress. Geez, kid, don't you have any manners?"

"What's it taste like, Bed?"

"It, tastes... What the fuck, Tall Boy? It's gross."

"I told you before Tall Boy, the one time he squirted it on my mirror. It's kind of sweet and salty at the same time."

"Oooh, oooh. He's getting up. Come on kid, wipe the last drops on me."

"You're a perv, Tall Boy."

"Damn, he's wiping it on the old sheets."

Hamper gagged, "Oh, just great. At least it was dry when he first put the sheets in me. Some got on me."

"Big deal. You got a drop. I got like four squirts of it on me now."

The boy turned back toward the bed, saw the mess, and threw the covers over it.

"Oh, God. It's soaking in. I'm ruined."

"You can always get a new mattress, Bed."

"I like this one."

"Maybe he won't change it."

"And I get to live with that stuff on me forever?"

"Ahhh. I'd trade places with you in a minute."

"Oh, shut up, Tall Boy. That can't happen, however much I'd love it to. Do you all think that will happen again?"

"Count on it, Bed."

Mirrored Dresser was right. Later that day, when it was time for the boy to go to sleep, he tossed the covers to the side and repeated his afternoon performance.

"Oh. Somebody, please burn me. I can't put up with this for the rest of my life."

Bed's wish wasn't granted. He occasionally got clean sheets, but the squirting was repeated thousands of times until the boy moved out. Sometimes it was on sheets, sometimes on the mattress, and other times, worst yet, it leaked out of an ass directly onto his mattress.

But all was not lost for King-sized Bed, the boy's parents bought him a new mattress and made the boy's bedroom into a guest room. For the longest time, the only person that would sleep on him was an old lady sometimes. He was happy. She wore diapers.