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Genres: General Fiction, Romance,
Sub-genres: Drama, General Romance

Seth is used to covering his ears, trying not to hear his parents drunken fighting. At an early age he promised himself that he would do whatever it took to make his partner happy. Old Hollywood films were his escape where everything ended with a kiss. James was always the comedian in his class, ever since Kindergarten he knew how to get a laugh. This was him, he would always be that way or so he thought. Everything changed during his junior year in high school, when his brother took his life.

Hope you guys like it, it's my first story on here :) I would love some feedback if you don't mind, any kind is appreciated.
2011 Christopher Smith

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  • Like 2

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  • Site Administrator
Cia
  • Site Administrator

I think you have a good beginning here, a lot of angst and drama that hooks a reader. You also set the stage for a bit event for James emotionally in future chapters. However, the flow of your story is a bit off, imo. You use a lot of commas and run on sentences. I also found the formatting issues with the different scripts to be highly distracting. I would suggest you edit this and remove the different text and simply use italics to show the text of the suicide note. At least go in and make sure just the note is changed. You missed the first part of the note in the font change and then didn't change it back drom the note font for the end of the prologue.

Canuk

Great beginning and any character that reads P&P will have my interest immediately!!

 

I agree with Cia - the flow was a bit off - the build-up, the shower, the noise the discovery and phone call were great, then the note, and your main character isn't talking until second week..... IMVHO, instead of leaping forward to school, perhaps he could have returned to what you had already mentioned - the moment he put the shampoo in his hair..... his, in effect, "last peaceful moment.

 

 

the angst tho' is good, and the resolution of this over his school year should be interesting..... Congrats!

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