A Long List of Nevers - 17. Chapter 17

“I still think you should go.” Keith said as he tried to squeeze a couple more books into the shelf.

“It’s been five years. Where were they during that time?” Carl sullenly sipped his coffee.

“You know people can’t change their opinions on something overnight.”

“So now that Dad nearly dies he suddenly has the epiphany that I’m his only son after all?”

“Strewth, Carl. He’s your Dad!”

“He never was much of one.”

Keith gave up trying to squeeze one last book into the overflowing shelf. He dropped it back into the box and turned to Carl. “Don’t you at least feel anything for him? At all?”

“That’s the problem, I did. I… worshipped him as a kid.” Carl sighed. “Even before I came out, he never treated me like a son. More like the kid he had to feed.”

“What about your mum?”

“Hah!” Carl snorted. “You know up until a year ago, all I’ve been doing is trying to get them back. My mother was the first to hang up on me when I called them about my high school graduation.”

Keith looked at him in silence. His own mother had loved him enough to compensate for his lack of a father. And then there was Lee of course, who loved him like his own son. He couldn’t comprehend how Carl’s parents could act that way.

“I tried calling them when I managed to get a scholarship to a uni. They hung up on me again as soon as they heard my voice. I had to go to uni with nothing to my name but a measly stipend. I lost even that after the first semester. Couldn’t exactly keep my fucking grades up when I’m subsisting on instant noodles can I?”

Keith walked over to him and kissed him softly on the chest. Carl sighed and hugged him one-handed.

“I tried, mate. Up until a year ago I kept trying. And now just when I’m starting to get used to a life without them, they suddenly want me there again?”

The afternoon sunlight caught a drop of water running down on the freshly washed storefront. It shone briefly like a small star before disappearing on the sills.

“Besides, they probably just want to save my soul one last time.”

“There’s a ‘but’ there somewhere.”

Carl drew a deep breath. “There is. That’s what’s fucking driving me crazy.”

“Carl, this will haunt you for the rest of your life if you don’t take the chance.”

“I know.”

“Just think about it, okay?”

“Right.” He leaned down and kissed Carl on the head. “Thanks. I’ve never talked about this with anyone before.” He smiled.

“What are boyfriends for?”

“Fucking?”

“Oi. Remember the deal. No talking about that while we’re working.” Keith laughed, punching him lightly. “Get back to work. We’ve still got unsorted books out back.”

Keith sat on the swivel chair in front of the computer, hands propping his chin up over the counter. He was swinging the seat absently, humming a song under his breath. His eyes were on the small mirror placed beside the clipboard on the desk. Reflected on it was Carl sitting on a low chair and sorting books into piles.

A small contented smile was on Keith’s face. He still couldn’t believe it finally happened. He felt complete for the first time in his life since he realized human beings were meant to be paired off. He wasn’t exactly religious but he felt like thanking whatever force it was that set the wheels of fate into motion for this. Carl was everything he had ever dreamed of.

Keith was happy.

The dull thudding of books against each other stopped, replaced by the quiet swishing of pages being flipped. Carl had paused his sorting and had taken to reading a book he had found interesting, a meditative expression settling on his face. It wasn’t the first. Keith had seen him stop to read three times already in the past thirty minutes he had been watching him.

He was slacking of course. But he looked even more angelic when lost in those pages than when asleep. Keith would rather stare at him dreamily than scold him.

And later this evening, he’d have Carl all to himself again.

His thoughts returned to the words Carl had said last night.

I love you, Keith.

Why did he say that? Even he couldn’t say that which much conviction yet. He barely knew Carl. He was falling for him fast, but he wasn’t in love with him yet. So why had Carl said that?

He hadn’t said it again though. Neither did he seem aware that he had even said it. That lessened the pressure on Keith somewhat. He didn’t want to say I love you too yet.

Keith remembered an old talk he had with Kat back when she was still dating around like crazy, the Pre-Miri days. She had just been dumped by a guy she had been going out with. The guy had repeatedly told her ‘I love you’ during sex then promptly stopped seeing her when she said the same words the morning after. She had furiously lectured Keith that an ‘I love you’ didn’t mean a thing unless spoken out of the bed. He never thought he’d be in a similar situation someday.

One thing he couldn’t figure out, though. If it really meant nothing to both of them why was he even thinking about it? Another part of him answered: it had been on the tip of his tongue as well. The scary thing was he felt like just blurting it out even out of bed.

He was afraid that his years of loneliness had made him vulnerable, more liable to see a rainbow where there isn’t one. He wanted this badly to work out to the till death do us part ending, but he didn’t want to seem soppy, needy, naïve, and obsessive. Neither did he relish the possibility that it would end someday and he’d be back to his old sad and angry life.

Carl snorted at a passage in the book and dropped it unceremoniously into a pile. He resumed sorting, his biceps rippling with the work.

Keith promptly lost his train of thought as he returned to dreamily watching the big guy.

A few minutes later he almost toppled from the chair as his phone started to ring inside his pants pocket. Wiping his eyes, he answered it. It was Kat.

“Helllo?”

“Keith?”

“Yea?”

“It’s on. Tomorrow evening. Brett just hinted to John about having dinner with a ‘business associate’.”

“Right.” Keith frowned. He had forgotten about the entire thing.

“You’re coming, alright?”

“Yeah but listen Kat… don’t you think this is a little bit ridiculous? I still don’t believe Brett can…”

“I know.” Kat cut him off. “But John is also a friend. Just think of it as putting his mind to rest, alright?”

“I’d hate to see them break up.” Keith’s throat constricted. For years he had envied the perfect relationship between the two. Now that he had finally found a guy of his own, he was going to be forced to witness what could potentially be a very nasty breakup.

“Me too. If they ever do, I wouldn’t even know who to side with!” Kat laughed.

“Well, let’s just hope for the best.”

“Make sure Carl comes with you.”

Keith hesitated and lowered his voice. “I don’t know, Kat. He’s having family problems at the moment, but we’ll try.”

“Ooh. It’s a ‘we’ now, eh?”

“G’day, Kat.” Keith smiled and hung up.

It’s a ‘we’. He thought happily.

“Who was that?” Warm arms encircled his shoulders.

“Just Kat.” Keith replied, tilting his head back to look at Carl. Carl obliged him with a tender kiss.

It took a moment for Keith to realize that he was pressing against Carl’s raging erection. He pulled away, ready to scold him again.

“The store’s closed.” Carl preempted him with a mischievous smile.

Keith glanced up at the wall clock. It was already eight. When he looked back, Carl had taken his dick out of his pants. It strained upwards in desire, a startling pale pink against his dark pants.

Keith inhaled sharply, his mouth already watering with anticipation.

“And the door’s locked.” Carl added, guiding Keith’s hand to touch him. They weren’t visible from the street, but the location still added a naughty thrill to what they were doing.

He turned the chair around so he was fully facing Carl. Clasping him more firmly, he sucked him slowly into his mouth. Carl released a strangled moan as he leaned his arms against the counter for support.

In the hour that followed, Keith learned to appreciate the erotic value of a swivel chair.

Carl stepped out of the ensuite, naked and toweling his hair dry. Keith felt his dick twitch feebly at the sight but didn’t have the strength to do anything further. They were both completely worn out after yet another frantic session of lovemaking.

Carl hopped unto the bed.

“You’re still wet.” Keith shivered as Carl hugged him.

Carl obediently jumped off again and renewed his toweling. Satisfied he’s completely dry, he returned to Keith’s side and kissed him.

Keith switched the telly off and covered Carl’s body with his. He pulled the bedcovers over both of them, trapping the warmth of their bodies.

Carl reached to turn the lamp off then settled back, idly stroking Keith’s hair.

“Keith?”

“Yeah?” Keith turned his head around to face Carl.

“I think you’re right.”

“About seeing your Dad?”

“Yeah.”

Keith traced a finger along Carl’s jawline. “You sure?”

“Of course not. But I’m sure I’ll go.”

“Want me to go with you?” It wasn’t exactly your typical meet-the-parents scenario but Keith just wanted to be there if something went awry.

Carl grunted. “We don’t really know what they want, remember? Aunt Lauren just said Dad wanted to see me. That was all. She didn’t say if they had learned to accept me as I am or if they just want to see if they can still ‘cure’ me.”

“Alright.”

“I’ll have to leave tomorrow. I’ll just be there for a few days, a week at most. The sooner this is over, the better.”

Keith felt his heart sink at the thought of not seeing Carl so soon. He wanted to tell him to put it off for a few more days but he knew Carl needed this. “Okay.”

“I’ll miss you.” Carl met his gaze, smiling tenderly.

“I’ll miss you too.”

“I’m still a bit scared.”

“Don’t be. They can’t possibly do any more to you that they haven’t already. If your Dad asked for you, it’s not likely it’s just to tell you he’s disowning you again.”

“Not that. I’m scared I’ll sock him in the face the moment I see him.”

“You’re really that mad at them?”

“Yes.” His tone was cold.

Keith sighed. “Carl, you still have them. I still miss my Mum but she died knowing I love her. Your parents are only human. Give them that chance.”

There was a long silence before Carl finally replied. “Okay. I’ll try.”