A Long List of Nevers - 20. Chapter 20

The phone in the bookstore rang mid-afternoon. Keith immediately dropped the rag he was using to wipe the dust off the bookshelves. He ran over to the counter to pick it up, almost tripping over the boxes of books Davo had delivered earlier.

“Hello?” He answered breathlessly.

“Keith?”

Keith’s face broke into a big grin. “Carl! How was the flight? Have you seen your parents yet? When are you coming back?”

Carl laughed on the other end. “Slow down, mate. It’s only been a day. Arrived late yesterday, so didn’t call. I’m staying in a hotel now. And no, haven’t seen them yet.”

“You feeling alright about it?”

“I think so.” Carl sighed. “I called dad earlier…”

“And?”

“We’re meeting up in an hour. I don’t know what to expect, mate. He seemed a bit calmer though. I think that’s a good thing, right? Not exactly pally, but I didn’t expect him to be. I mean, it was awkward but at least he was actually talking to me.”

“I think that’s good, yeah.”

“Damn, Keith. I missed hearing his voice.”

Keith smiled. “Don’t worry, mate. He probably missed hearing yours too.”

“I hope so. I really hope this goes well. Speaking of which… I miss you too.”

Keith laughed. “Me too.”

“How are you? How’s the store?”

Keith hesitated. “Fine.” He said, deciding not to tell him about his encounter last night with Josh. Carl had enough problems for now. “Everything’s fine, except that you’re not here.”

“I’m regretting not letting you come with me.”

“She’ll be right, you big wuss.”

Carl chuckled on the other end. “God, it’s good to hear your voice. I was nearly falling apart earlier.”

“Where are you meeting your dad?”

“A café near our neighborhood. He used to take me there after school… back when he was still treating me like his son I mean.” He gave a sad laugh.

“But that’s great. It definitely means he’s trying to get himself back in your good graces.”

“I don’t know.”

“What about your mum?”

“That’s what I’m worried about. Dad hasn’t mentioned her at all.”

“Maybe she’s just scared. She was the one who kept pushing you after all.”

“Mum’s not really that opinionated. She does what dad does most of the time. I’m thinking she only really did it because of dad. But yeah, I want to see her too.”

“Whatever happens, Carl, just remember I’m here.”

“I know, Keith. It’s so much easier knowing there’s somewhere else I could actually call ‘home’ now.”

“Hurry back.” Keith felt his chest tighten with emotion.

“Wish we had time for some quick phone sex, but I have to get ready.”

“Bastard.” Keith laughed. “Call me later, okay?”

“I will. Bye, boyfriend.”

“Good luck, boyfriend.”

Carl shivered as he got off the cab. After Cronek’s heat, he was still adjusting to Perth’s coldness in the winter months. He zipped up his coat and looked around at the rows of shops fronting the park, the little commercial district of his own slice of childhood suburbia.

Memories, so many memories in here – holding his dad’s hand while they entered the café together, eating his ice cream while his dad read the newspaper in the park, walking home from the library and stopping for lamington cakes, getting taunted by neighborhood bullies on that street corner, the excitement of seeing wild black swans in the river bordering the far side of the park…

Everything was so familiar yet different in a subtle niggling way. As if it was somehow wrong, for example, that the rows of acacia along the park were now so big he wouldn’t be able to get his arms around their trunks. In the middle of the park, he could still distinguish a paler green rectangular patch of grass of the neighborhood cricket pitch, now devoid of its wickets. It prompted a memory of lazy summer afternoons, pretending to study under the acacias just so he could watch one of his childhood crushes play in that field.

He had only been gone five years, but it felt like a lifetime since he’d been here. This was his neighborhood once. He didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry at that.

He finally brought his gaze up to the building in front of him. The café, on the other hand, hadn’t changed. He hoped that wasn’t a foreshadowing of the opinions of the man waiting for him inside.

Taking a deep breath, he walked up to the door and let himself in quietly. The interior of the café was exactly as he had remembered it as well. The highly polished wood countertop, the wrought iron furniture, the glass cases displaying rows and rows of cakes, bikkies, and sweets; everything brought back memories so strong it almost felt like déjà vu.

He felt his breath catch as he saw the big gray haired man reading the newspaper on the farthest table.

His dad hadn’t heard him come in.

The young woman behind the counter looked up and smiled. Carl pointed towards his dad’s table to indicate that he was here to meet him. The woman nodded and went back to reading her book.

He made his way silently to the table. His dad saw him from the corner of his eyes when he was only a few feet from the table. He slowly put down the paper and got up.

The first thing Carl noticed was his eyes, an arresting blue like they always were but lacking the cold steeliness that he had last seen in it. They were looking at him with a mixture of apprehension and surprise.

“Son?”

Carl felt something stir in his chest at the word. His eyes were still riveted to his father’s features. He noted with an uncertain relief that he seems to be healthy enough, even after the heart attack. He also couldn’t help but note with wonder that he now actually looked like the younger version of his dad. Same build, same features except for the color of their eyes and his dad’s gray hair. “Dad.”

That observation hadn’t escaped his dad either. His dad’s chin quivered a little as he formed an answering smile. His dad looked him up and down for a moment, the expression of pride unmistakable on his face. His gaze returned to Carl’s eyes. “Oh sorry.” He swallowed uncomfortably. “Sit down, please.”

Carl took the opposite seat, feeling confused. Try as he might he couldn’t summon the anger he felt for his dad. It had evaporated the moment he saw his dad’s eyes.

“How was the trip?”

“Fine.”

“You live in Cronek now, yeah? Your Aunt Lauren told us.”

“Yeah.”

His dad turned towards the girl behind the counter. “Marge, could we have some tea please? What would you like, Carl?”

Carl shrugged, avoiding his gaze.

“And some lamingtons please.” His dad called out.

“Yes, Mr. Baird.” The girl got up and disappeared into the kitchen.

Carl ran his hand on the edge of the table, suddenly feeling vulnerable without the shield of resentment that he had been relying on.

Marge served their order, her eyes flicking curiously between the two of them.

“My son, Carl.” His dad introduced him. “You probably remember him. This is Marge, Carl, youngest of the Reeses.”

Carl smiled at her in recognition. Last time, he saw her she was a lanky twelve-year old. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Marge smiled back shyly then scurried off towards the counter.

Carl took a sip of his steaming tea immediately, not caring of the pain as it burned its way down his throat.

“Son…” Carl didn’t look up. “Carl, I know you’re probably mad as hell and I don’t blame you for that. Just promise me you’ll hear me out.”

Carl tentatively raised his eyes to meet his dad’s. There was a nervousness in there that he couldn’t remember seeing in all his years growing up. He nodded silently.

“Okay.” His dad sighed and swallowed a mouthful of his own tea. He grimaced at the heat then set the cup back down. “First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve said. I’m sorry for kicking you out. I’m sorry for not being the father I should have been.” His voice was trembling with emotion.

Carl opened his mouth to answer but his dad raised a hand to stop him. Carl leaned back on his chair, closing his mouth again.

“Just listen first. I was a stupid narrow-minded idiot. The past five years have been good on us. I got a job at the Perth Zoo, pays well, and I’m happier there.

“But it all felt hollow without you. After the first two years I found myself hoping you’d grow out of the gay thing and come back. But as the years passed I realized you weren’t going to change and you weren’t coming back.” He took another sip of his tea. “Got depressed until the stress triggered the heart attack. When I came to, one of the nurses asked me who Carl was.” He smiled, his eyes moist. He was talking quickly as if afraid that Carl might leave before he could relate everything. “Turns out I’ve been calling for you in my sleep.

“Your mum told me I’d been doing so for years. She just didn’t tell me. And that was that. I realized you’re still my son and if nothing else I could at least try to understand why. The nurse helped us by printing out articles from the computer. Finally she just taught us how to use the internet.” He laughed. “I read about it. About homosexuality, about parents going through the same thing. There were some things that were hard to accept, but I forced myself to read on. The more I read the more I realized how wrong I was.” He ran his fingers through his hair.

“Your grandparents were farmers, Carl. It’s been pounded into me as a kid that poofters…” He glanced nervously at Carl at his use of the word. “That gays were evil. I just believed that without even questioning why. Never would have thought someday I’d have to face my own prejudices.

“And I know I’ve been a bad dad. I haven’t always been there. You were probably too young to remember this but I wasn’t always like that. I think I know now what caused that. It started when I lost the pet shop when you were eleven. You remember the pet shop right?”

Carl nodded, momentarily reliving his anger and horror at the long forgotten memory of the repossession of the family business by his dad’s creditors. That day was one of the worst days of his life. Seeing the animals he and his dad had cared for being handled like so much useless junk. “Yeah. The bank people just dumped the goldfish down the curb.”

His dad scowled. “Fucking bastards. The pet shop was my life dream, Carl. Losing it was a hard blow. I failed my life dream. I reckon I let myself go after that. Like nothing will ever be the same again, you know? I had to work menial jobs again just to support you and your mum. And I selfishly resented you for that.”

Carl glanced sideways at him. It was strange to realize that his father had dreams and had vulnerabilities just like he did.

“I stopped spending time with you and your mum. I regret that now. I should have been there for you.”

“Dad, if you think that made me gay, you’re –”

“I know.” His dad interrupted. “I know I didn’t make you gay and I’m not blaming myself. That much I got from my reading, don’t worry about it. And I realized what the heck’s wrong with you being gay anyway. Okay, maybe I probably won’t have grandchildren but you’re still my son.” He smiled proudly. “My big handsome son who looks so much like his dad. I stopped telling you this on your seventh birthday, but I love you, son. I’ve always loved you and I’d…” His voice broke. “Me and your mum, we would like to have you back in our lives if you can forgive us.”

Tears were welling up Carl’s eyes. “I came here wanting to hate you.”

“Can’t blame you.” His dad shrugged, smiling and crying at the same time.

“But I can’t. You’re still my dad.”

His dad pushed his seat back and got up. In a few strides he was hugging Carl and sobbing loudly.

Carl hugged back fiercely, also openly crying.

“Carl.”

“I’ve missed you, dad.”

“I missed you too.” His dad held him out at arm’s length and examined him. “You’ve grown so tall, for a minute there when you came in I thought it was me from my younger years. And those eyes… half me, half your mum, fully tiger.”

Carl laughed, still too choked up to say anything. His dad pulled him close again. Carl smiled against his shoulder. His dad hadn’t hugged him since he was ten. He was an inch taller than his dad now, but he felt like a little boy again.

“My son.” His dad kissed his forehead. “My son.” He repeated, smiling through his tears.

The years of just barely scraping it through in uni, the feeling of not being good enough for his dad, the anger and resentment he had harbored for him over the years, all of those things disappeared. The only thing he was sure of was how desperately he had missed his father’s hugs.

A small sob diverted both of their attentions to the counter. Marge sat there, book forgotten on her lap and crying. She flushed red as they looked at her. “Sorry, Mr. Baird, couldn’t help but overhear.” She laughed.

Carl’s dad laughed. “Marge, could you get us some ice cream, if you please. Chocolate.”

“Sure.” She smiled and got up. She retrieved some from the big freezer behind her, still sniffling.

Carl felt his heart swell with love. “Ice cream, in this weather?”

“Ice cream. You remember those afternoons, yeah?”

“Yep.”

His dad paid for their orders and the ice cream. He handed Carl a plastic disposable spoon and one of the ice cream buckets, still encrusted with ice. Draping an arm around his son, they left the café together and headed for the park.

It was already late afternoon outside. The sun was out but it was still cold and damp. They crossed the road together toward the park and set off on the familiar path towards the playground on the other side of the green expanse.

His dad let go of his shoulders to pry open his ice cream. Carl did the same, savoring a spoonful.

“Where’s mum?”

“She’s at home.” His dad answered. “She’s scared of seeing you. We both were.” He looked away.

“I was scared too.”

“I’m glad you still came.”

“Honestly I didn’t want to.” Carl kicked a pebble off the path. “My… uh… boyfriend encouraged me to.” He regretted saying that immediately. He wasn’t sure if his dad was ready for that yet.

“You have one?” His dad glanced at him curiously.

“Yeah. His name’s Keith, Keith Harris.” He absentmindedly smiled, feeling his heart lift at the thought of Keith.

His dad grinned. “That’s good. He may not exactly be a sheila but we’d like to meet him someday anyhow.”

“Alright. Someday, definitely.” Carl laughed. “So how are you, dad? Heart okay?”

“Yeah, taking a vacation from work for a few weeks, meds I have to take, but all in all, I’m feeling much better now. How have you been?”

“Great. Cronek’s really grouse.”

“What do you do there?”

“I opened a bookstore.”

“Oh? What did you take in uni?”

“Biology.”

“Why?”

“The pet shop, I reckon. I guess I inherited your love for nature.”

His dad looked at him. “And you went and opened a bookstore with that?”

Carl shrugged. “Had to find a way to make money.”

“You’ve always had your nose stuck in a book.” His dad smiled fondly. “Listen, I’ve set aside some money for you. It’s not a lot, but it’s what you would have had if… if we hadn’t turned you out. If you’ve had to take out loans just to finish school, you’ll be able to pay them back.”

“But, dad…”

“No, we insist. I can’t take back whatever shit you had to go through on your own. I’m proud you did finish and I’m ashamed we had to put you through that. This is the least we can do to help you. Just take it, please. It’d make it easier for me and you mother to forgive ourselves.”

Carl frowned.

“Carl, we’re not that hard up anymore. We’re still not rich.” He laughed. “But surely we can spare it for our only son.”

Carl nodded, still unsure. Lord knows he needed it, but he had to make sure it wasn’t going to empty their pockets. With the family’s poverty during his teenage years, he had always been acutely aware of the precariousness of his parents’ financial situation.

They reached the old park bench they always used to sit on. The playground in front of it was empty. Carl gazed at it wistfully, remembering days of clambering around that jungle gym while his dad kept a watchful eye from this bench. His dad sat beside him and pulled him close.

“Tell me what being gay means. I’ve learned as much as I can, but it’s been less than a week since I’ve started reading about it. And I want to hear it from you.”

“Just that I’m not attracted to girls, dad.”

“This means you want to be a woman?” His dad swallowed. “I mean if that’s what you are…”

“No.” Carl laughed. “No, I’m just gay. I’m still me, dad. Nothing’s really changed. I’m just a bloke who likes other blokes.”

“You know, me and your mum went to our first Unitarian service last Sunday. The nurse recommended it and I couldn’t stand going to our old church where it was damnation and hellfire all the time. It was… refreshing, to say the least. They actually talked about things that matter. We’re thinking of staying.”

His dad met his eyes and smiled.

“We’re also not voting for Family First again. It was easy to vote against gay marriage and all that before, but when it’s your own family you’re talking about, your own son… everything changes. I’m not perfect, Carl. But bloody hell I’m trying my best to understand. I just regret that it took this long.”

“Dad, you don’t have to.” Carl said, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

“Yes I do have to.” He replied quietly. Giving Carl’s shoulders a squeeze.

“Can I see mum?”

“Yes. Yes of course.” His dad laughed. “She’s probably worried out of her wits right now. Come home for dinner.”

Home. Carl felt warm at the word. “Okay.” He got up and followed his dad.

“How long will you be staying?”

“Not long, there are still some things I have to take care of back at Cronek. I’ll be going back there in a couple of days.”

“But you’ll visit us every once in a while, right?”

“Yep.”

“Good, and bring this Keith the next time around.”

Carl laughed. His dad looped an arm around his shoulders as they walked back to the car, the late afternoon sun casting an orange hue on the entire park. He looked sideways at his dad’s profile and smiled. His life was falling together at last.

There was only one loose end left to tie up.