Rehabilitation - 6. Billy Loses It

So, what was I supposed to do now? I pulled myself up off the floor and lay down on my bed, clutching my sore hand. It really hurt and was throbbing. I couldn’t believe how quickly my whole world had collapsed. I felt about as low as I’d ever felt in my life. I never thought Dustin was capable of hurting me like he’d done. After our years of friendship, the last thing I expected was for things to have ended the way they did. But I guess it was over now. How could we ever be friends again after what had just happened? He’d attacked me and I’d leveraged his deep dark secret for mine. I knew it was a nuclear bomb when I unleashed it on him, but he’d left me no choice! If I didn’t threaten him with what I knew, then he was going to expose me and Brett to my parents! I did what I had to do. I had to protect Brett. He was so convinced that everyone would just accept us and everything would be happy when we revealed our love to the world. He was being naïve. I knew better. My throbbing hand was all the evidence I needed to tell me what was in store for us when we came out. I also knew I could never tell Brett about what Dustin did to me. I think Brett would try something really stupid if he found out, and then Dustin would kill him.

I’d expected Dustin to yell at me. I even expected him to hate me. But physically attacking me was something I hadn’t expected. And he deliberately went after my broken hand! Dustin had always projected a kind of uninterested calm about him, never really letting anything bother him and never even swearing. I’d seen glimpses of his anger before, but he was quick to cover it up and put the mask of calm back on, like that night he’d cried about his parents in the woods. But this time I’d pulled the mask completely off! The rage of the monster that was revealed beneath the mask frightened me. I think I broke him. I didn’t see any way we could ever be friends again. It broke my heart. Even after what he’d done to me, I didn’t hate him. I still loved him and I felt horrible that I’d hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I just wanted to live my life and be happy. I felt like it was my fault that he was so fucked up.

Then there was Brett. He’d taken my heart, which I gave him so happily, and he’d used it just so he could beat Dustin in a stupid argument that he’d started in the first place. I was so angry with him. He had totally disregarded my feelings and used my love for him like a toy to dangle in front of Dustin. He knew I didn’t want Dustin to know about us. He knew I wasn’t ready to take that step. But he didn’t care. He saw a chance to hurt Dustin by using one of our most intimate moments as a weapon. I always knew Brett had that vicious side to him and I saw it in all its ugly glory that afternoon. I’d seen it before when he flipped out at the bowling alley on my birthday. I’d seen him explode that day on the bus to Dustin’s mom. Were those moments just flashes of temper, or were they the real Brett Reilly that I’d only pretended wasn’t there? Was the real Brett Reilly the boy who hugged me when my grandma died? Was he the boy who loved animals and sang me songs? Was he the boy who had taken me in when I was hurt and had shared his house with me? Or was he all of those things? Was he really just like any other kid? Was he a mix of good things and bad things just like me and everyone else? Maybe I was just blinding myself to his faults because I wanted so much for him to be perfect?

Whose fault was it that I was so disappointed in him? Was it his fault for not living up to my perfect image of him? Or was it my fault for constructing that image that he could never live up to? I knew who he was when I got together with him. I knew he could be an immature little asshole at times. I knew he was a troublemaker who could make professional teachers lose their shit with him. I’d simply brushed those moments aside because I loved him so much. The thrill of being with him was stronger than anything else in my life. But beyond the thrill of getting my dick wet, as Dustin had so eloquently put it, what more was there? What should I have expected now that I was doing mature things with an immature little brat? I made sense that he wouldn’t know how to handle it.

My mind flashed back to the one time in third grade when I’d gotten my only “B” grade in a class ever. I’d studied and done my best in the class, but I just didn’t get the concepts as for the first time I was being asked to apply my knowledge instead of just showing off how smart I was. You would have thought I’d failed school entirely by the way my mother reacted to that grade. She was so disappointed in me that I felt like a complete failure for a long time afterward even though it was only a grade. I felt like I could never live up to my parents’ expectations of me. Now I was doing the same thing to my boyfriend. Had I, like my mother before me, expected too much? Why was I demanding perfection from someone who was never capable of delivering it?

For the first time, I could see Brett and Dustin the way they saw each other. When Brett looked at Dustin, he saw the potential for danger that was lurking beneath the facade Dustin had constructed so carefully. He had warned me before that Dustin could potentially be dangerous. I’d ignored his intuition and thought he was just being unreasonable. Now I could see Brett’s side of the story. Dustin really could be dangerous! He could have really hurt me when he kicked me.

But now I could also see how Dustin saw Brett. Dustin and I had been best friends our whole lives until Brett came along. And I had fallen so hard for Brett, even in elementary school, that I’d dropped Dustin like a bad habit. Maybe he had always felt about me the way I felt about Brett? Dustin said I’d broken his heart, and maybe I had? Maybe I’d helped to turn Dustin into the monster when I’d gone head over heels for his worst enemy? Dustin had seen Brett’s nasty side before, and he was wondering how I could be in love with someone who had been complete asshole to him right from the start. And if I was going to be honest with myself, Brett really had been an asshole to Dustin. Saying he was glad that Dustin’s parents abused him? That was really low. I never realized my boyfriend could have that kind of hatred within him. Now I saw what Joey was talking about when he said that I was the reason the two of them hated each other. I didn’t totally understand it, but at least I was beginning to realize how I’d helped to make a mess of things.

Well, I could lay there on my bed and feel sorry for myself forever, or I could get up and try to salvage at least one of my relationships. And since I didn’t think there was any possible way to save my friendship with Dustin, I decided to confront Brett. I wondered what I was going to say to him as I locked up my house and began walking through the woods toward his house again. In my eyes before today, Brett could do no wrong. I’d overlooked a lot of his faults because I was so in love with him. I’d been so afraid that if I confronted him about some of the things he did that he would get mad at me. I didn’t want to screw up and lose what I had. But now I could see him more clearly. He wasn’t as cool and in control as I’d thought. He was just as lonely and angry as Dustin was. He was desperate for the love that he never got from his dad. Or his mom.

His confidence was just as shakable as anyone else’s. His bravado had evaporated pretty quickly when Dustin started confronting him. He lost control of the situation and then he lost control of his temper and his mouth. He could be a jerk for no good reason. He had money, he had stuff, and he had a nice house. But he was alone most of the time, and he made up for it by surrounding himself with pets that would love him and wanted to be with him no matter what he did. He had everything he could ever want, but all he wanted was for somebody to love him. It made a lot of sense to me now why he was always at my house. He’d found in me that ‘somebody’ who would love him no matter what. I understood why he was so desperately defensive about me. If he lost me he’d really be all alone.

As I approached Brett’s house it looked as unlived-in as mine did. It was strange how perceptions can change in the blink of an eye. One minute a place is as warm and inviting as it can possibly be, and the next it is revealed as the cold and lifeless structure it actually is. Maybe it’s not the house that makes a place feel like home, maybe it’s the people in it? Ignoring my trepidation, I walked to the back door from which I’d fled a while before and walked inside. It was unlocked, of course. The house was empty, but Brett’s shoes were missing, so I guessed that he’d gone out somewhere to cool down after his clash with Dustin. I decided the best thing to do would be for me to wait for him to come home.

I went to Brett’s room and sat down at his computer, where I’d been before all the trouble began. On the screen, a screen saver displaying various animated animals falling to the bottom of the screen and then exploding into hamburgers and hot dogs was running. I smiled at Brett’s unique sense of humor. I enjoyed being alone in his room. Everything about that room represented him. His animals watched me as I sat there, swinging his chair back and forth on its swivel. I stood up and walked to the end of his bed. I pictured the two of us sitting there as we’d done so many times before. We’d played a thousand video games there. We’d jerked off together in that spot for the first time there. I’d blasted my load over my head and Brett had tasted my spooge for the first time there. I lay down on Brett’s bed and looked up at the ceiling. I imagined the warmth and weight of his body on me and thought about the times we’d shown each other our love for each other through sharing our most intimate parts with each other to enjoy. It was more than just teenage lust when we got together. Sure, that was part of it, but that wasn’t what it was all about. There was a love between us that I knew would survive whatever life threw at us.

I knew we could survive anything, even each other.

I stood up and looked at the picture shelf above Brett’s iguanas. I loved the picture of Brett and his mom from the top of the World Trade Center from before it got blown up. That picture always had extra significance after what happened. Brett’s mom smiled into the camera, and Brett looked terrified but he tried bravely to smile anyway. I made fun of him. He insisted he wasn’t afraid of heights but I knew that he was. There was a picture of his grandparents there. Brett didn’t look like either of them. His mom had said he looked like his dad. I wondered if somewhere in the world there was a picture in a frame of some guy who looked just like an older version of Brett, owned by some guy who had a son in the world he’d probably never meet.

There were another couple of pictures that caught my attention. They were stuck in the bottom corners of a picture of our old baseball team. They were pictures of me, one that I’d given him in sixth grade and my current ninth grade picture. I didn’t have braces yet in the first one, and I was smiling with my teeth showing so you could see the gap that had earned me so many happy chipmunk and squirrel-related childhood nicknames. I was shocked by how blond my hair was back then. Brett looked pretty much the same in his younger pictures, except now he looked a bit thinner now that he’d lost his baby fat. Those bright blue eyes and that mischievous smile were exactly the same. But I looked like a different kid in my two pictures. My hair was darker, my smile had been straightened by braces, and I usually wore glasses now. Was I even the same kid anymore? I felt like I didn’t even know who that kid in the first picture was anymore.

My attention moved to the large bookshelf that Brett had inherited from his grandparents which stood like a monument in one corner of his room. Brett wasn’t one for reading books, so it was filled with various stuff collected from his life so far. There were a few small bowling trophies. I knew they were just participation trophies, because Dustin had all the winner’s trophies at his house. If there was one thing that Dustin had that was bigger than Brett’s, besides his you-know-what, it was his trophy collection. There wasn’t much else on the bookshelf that would have meant anything to anyone besides Brett. He kept his pet food and some care manuals there. There was a pile of video game guides. There were stacks and stacks of music books, even some sheet music that he’d written himself. There was even a trumpet sitting there that he’d borrow from the school’s band director. If there was any system to Brett’s piles, I wondered if even the smartest anthropologist would ever be able to unravel the mystery that is Brett Reilly from them.

For the first time, I noticed a small wooden box resting on the top shelf, kind of pushed back in the corner and covered by a few random video game magazines. I felt a twinge of anger sear through me. I didn’t even have to look. I instinctively knew what was in the box. Had it had been hidden in plain sight all this time? I carefully pulled the box down off the shelf and held it unopened in my lap. I knew what I would find inside. This was what had started all the trouble with Dustin. This was what I’d sworn didn’t exist. This was Brett’s stash. It was where he kept his pot. I started to open it when I heard the front door open. In a panic, I quickly tossed it back onto the top shelf and hurriedly threw the magazines back on it right before Brett walked into the room.

“Oh shit, you scared me Billy!” he gasped when he saw me standing by the bookshelf. “Thank god you’re okay! I was looking for you in the park over by the pond and when you weren’t there I went to your house but it was empty too. I… Are you okay?”

“We need to talk,” I said.

Brett cringed. “Yeah… I know we do. Listen, I am sooooo sorry about what I did. I know I fucked up pretty bad. It’s just that Dustin makes me so mad that I just snapped. I know you’re pissed at me and I deserve it. I didn’t mean to act like an asshole.”

“Yeah...” I replied. “Well I guess I should congratulate you or something.”

“I don’t understand,” Brett said.

“Well, you won,” I replied coldly.

“Won what?” he asked.

“You won the war. You beat Dustin. He hates me now.”

“Oh… What happened?”

“He found me and everything blew up because of you.”

“Oh no! Oh, Billy, I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not. Why should you be sorry when you got exactly what you wanted?”

“No. Billy I… I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Brett protested.

“Yes you did! You’ve hated Dustin since day one. And you couldn’t stand that he was my friend. So you did everything you could to get us to hate each other. Well now he does! He was going to tell my parents about you and me! I had to tell him what I knew about Mike and him! He blew up and said he’d kill me if I told anyone else. I just lost my best friend because of you, and you don’t even care.”

“I do care! That’s not what I wanted to happen.”

“Yes it is, Brett. You won, just like always! Brett Reilly beat Dustin Smith, just like always. But you didn’t just hurt Dustin, Brett! Because you hurt me along the way! You beat Dustin, but you stomped on me to do it. So good for you! Let’s throw a big fucking party because Brett won a stupid fight! Doesn’t that make you happy?”

“No it doesn’t. Billy, I didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t mean to hurt me? I know. But you did. You did hurt me! You had to win so much that you didn’t even care about how you did it. You said you’re glad his parents abuse him. I never knew you could do something that disgusting to somebody. What were you thinking? I mean, what the hell were you thinking telling him about us blowing each other? No, don’t answer that because I already know that you weren’t thinking! You never think, you just do things and don’t think about the consequences. You need to grow up! I gave you my heart and you used it to beat Dustin with it! I trusted you with something that was very pure and honest. It was the most trust I’ve ever had in someone. I love you so much it kills me to have to say this stuff to you. I gave you something I can never get back. You took it, and then you threw it in Dustin’s face. Didn’t you even stop to think for one second that you were hurting me more than you were hurting Dustin?”

Brett stared at my feet.

“Look at me, Brett!” I shouted.

Brett lifted his face up to meet my glare. He looked ready to cry.

“I love you! I love you so much I’d die for you. You know that! There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. And you were willing to throw it all away! For what? To win a stupid fight with someone you don’t even have to compete with! Dustin is my friend, at least he was until today! I really love him a lot! But he’s not my boyfriend, you are! Don’t you trust me enough to let me decide who I want to be friends with?”

Brett sighed. “I trust you. It’s just that Dustin…”

“Fuck Dustin!” I snapped. “This is not about Dustin! This is about you and me. If we’re ever going to make this thing work between us, then we’re going to have to respect each other. You’ve got to let me be who I want to be, and I’ve got to do the same for you. I fell in love with you for who you are, but I know that sometimes I expect too much from you. I know you’re not perfect, and it’s not fair for me to expect you to be. We need to figure out what kind of relationship we’re going to have. I can’t expect you to be perfect, and you can’t own me. I’m not one of your pets! You can’t try to destroy my friends because you’re jealous. Dustin hates me now because of you. I don’t think you realize how much that hurts me.”

Brett looked forlornly at the floor. “I don’t know what you want me to say! I don’t know how else to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I feel really bad about everything. I’m just stupid and I did something even more stupid. I just want you to stop yelling at me. I don’t want you to be mad at me anymore.”

“I don’t want to be mad at you either, but you really hurt me and we need to work this out if we’re going to be together. We can’t just push this under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t know how I can trust you if you’re going to act like that.”

“What can I do to prove to you that you can trust me?” he asked. “I’ll do anything.”

“You can start by telling me the truth. This whole issue with Dustin started because he said you were smoking pot. I defended you and told him that he was a liar. So tell me the truth and I’ll believe you. You’re not doing what he said, are you?”

“Aww man… Shoot, Billy! I wish you would have asked me. I would have told you the truth. It’s not that big of a deal,” Brett said.

I felt my heart drop to my toes. “What are you saying?” I asked.

“You shouldn’t have defended me,” Brett admitted. “I have been smoking pot. I was buying it from Max until he got busted. I had them call me Tony because I didn’t want to get in trouble. I mean, who the hell calls me Tony, right?”

“So you really are a stoner?” I asked.

“No! I’m not a stoner! I’m not addicted. I only use it a little bit every once in a while to calm myself down,” Brett said. “It’s not like I sit here and get wasted and eat Cheetos all day. It helps me to relax and study.”

“So I spent all that time sticking up for you and you really are smoking dope?”

“Well who asked you to defend me? I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d blow it all out of proportion. But I’m not hurting anybody. It’s just pot. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” I protested. “It’s illegal, Brett!”

“Just because something is illegal doesn’t mean it’s bad! It just means some politician says so! You know, in some places sucking another guy’s dick is illegal but that hasn’t stopped you. It helps me to think, Billy! Fuck, man! How long have I been fucking crying because I couldn’t even fucking concentrate in school? I hate being a fucking hyperactive loser! So I did some reading on the internet and I found out that marijuana might help someone like me to concentrate better. And guess what, it does! I’m not doing it to get fucking high! I wish it didn’t do that! I’m doing it so I can fucking graduate someday! Haven’t you noticed that I can actually focus for once in my life? My grades have never been better! I was barely in detention at all this year!”

“But there has to be a better way than doping yourself up!” I replied.

“That’s not what I’m doing Billy! You don’t know what it’s like to not be able to think! You don’t even study and you get straight A’s. Well it’s not easy for stupid people like me, it’s fucking hard. Just once in my life I want to be able to live a normal fucking life! If I have to buy it from Max or someone else, then why not? I can afford it!”

“So you’re going to keep on doing it?” I asked.

“Why not? It’s not like I want to do it. I’m not addicted. I can quit any time. I quit for a while when Max got arrested. I just got a little cranky for a few days or so and then I was fine. I’m not going to be doing heroin or anything crazy. I’m not hurting anybody, so why not?”

“Yes you are hurting somebody. You’re hurting yourself and you’re hurting me. You don’t know what that stuff is doing to your brain. I can’t watch you ruin your life and not say something!”

“My life is already ruined without it! I don’t know how else to tell you,” Brett pleaded. “Why should I stop when it’s obviously helping me?”

“You should stop because it’s wrong, Brett! How do you know it’s helping you? Maybe it’s all in your head! Maybe you’ve always had it in you to be good and you just need a little help. But pot’s not the answer! I don’t know how you’ve convinced yourself that it is! All I know is if you’re going to keep on doing it then I can’t be with you. I’m not going to watch you destroy yourself.”

“You would seriously break up with me over this?”

“I’m very serious, Brett,” I replied.

“That’s not fair! I’m not hurting anybody! I’m not going to destroy myself, it’s helping me, dammit! Why do you care so much about this?”

“Because I love you and you’re being a fucking retard!”

“Don’t call me a retard, you asshole!”

“You know I didn’t mean it literally, Brett. Okay, now you’re just being… Nevermind…” I sighed.

“Being what, Billy? Being a retard? Is that what you were going to say? I know I’m stupid, Billy! But you don’t have any solutions, do you? All you do is bitch and complain and tell me what to do! What do you fucking want from me? You want me to be your stupid bitch and quit? Fine! This is fucking bullshit.” He walked over to the shelf and pulled down the box that I’d looked at earlier and handed it to me. “Here, take the damn shit. If it’s that fucking important to you then take it!”

“Brett, come on,” I said.

“No. You want me to be your fucking bitch, then I’ll be your fucking dumb bitch! You think you know what’s best for me, well there you go. Take my fucking pot away, Billy! You want to be my fucking boss? Well there you go. You’re the goddamn genius and I’m just your stupid dumb retarded bitch! You think you know what’s fucking best for everybody? Fine! I don’t give a shit what you do with it. Go fuck yourself with it for all I care.”

I stood there holding the box. Brett went to his computer, sat down in his chair and turned, facing away from me. He angrily smashed his mouse and keyboard. I put the box down and sat on the bed near him.

“Why are you mad at me? I just want you to be safe.”

Brett sniffled and didn’t turn around. He kept playing the game he’d brought up on the computer. “Just shut up and leave me alone,” he pouted.

“Drugs are dangerous, Brett. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Wow! I feel so much better now! Thanks, dad!” he snarked.

I stood up and grabbed the box. “Okay, fine.” I slammed the box down on the desk next to him. “Have it your way, just like you always do. Brett fucking Reilly always has to have his fucking way! Well fine then! Fuck yourself up. Have a fucking blast! Just don’t expect me to watch you destroy yourself. I love you too much to watch you fuck yourself up with this shit!” I stormed toward the door.

“Billy wait!” Brett shouted.

I stopped but I didn’t turn around. He walked up to me and hugged me from behind. He rested his head on my shoulder. He held me around the waist and we just stood there for a while.

“Don’t go. I’m sorry,” he whispered softly. “Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to get mad at you. I’ve been an asshole about this. Look, I know it’s not right, and I really didn’t want to start anyway. But it did make me feel better and I really felt like I could concentrate for the first time in my life. But I love you too much to let something this stupid fuck it up. I’ll do anything you want me to, just please don’t leave me!”

“I wasn’t planning on leaving you. I was just going to blow off some steam. I hate arguing with you, Brett. I really hate it. It rips my heart out. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to hurt yourself, either.”

“I understand. It’s kind of the same way I feel about you and Dustin. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I understand why you think you have to try to be friends with him. I may not agree, but I understand. Okay, I’ll quit smoking pot, but on one condition.”

“You want me to not be friends with Dustin?” I asked.

“No, I know I can’t ask you to do that. I just need you to really help me study. Not just come over here and make out, I really need you to help me.”

“Of course I will. I would do that for you anyway,” I promised. “Are you sure you can quit?” I asked.

“I don’t see why not. If you help me I would be able to do anything. I love you more than I love anything else in the world.” Brett snuggled against my back and began to kiss my neck. “I wish you knew how beautiful you are, Billy. I love you so much.” He kissed his way up my neck and whispered in my ear. “I love you so much it hurts, Billy.” He sniffed my hair. “I love your hair. I wish I had blond hair like you.” He ran his fingers through it, then he went back to sucking on my neck. He slipped his hand down into my pants and squeezed my butt. “God, you have such a hot ass.”

“So do you,” I replied.

“No Billy. Not like you. I don’t know what a guy like me ever did to deserve a guy like you. If you knew how fucking hot you are, you wouldn’t be so bashful about your body. I mean it.” He slipped his other hand up my shirt and caressed my chest. “You are so fucking hot. I can’t wait anymore, Billy. I love you so much it’s killing me,” he whispered seductively in my ear. He gently massaged my butt and chest. I reached behind me and groped his bulging pants. He continued kissing my neck just under my ear. I groaned with pleasure.

“Yeah, don’t hold back, Billy,” Brett whispered. “I want to hear you. I want to show you how much I love you. Please let me.”

He slipped his hand out of my pants and moved my hand away from his crotch. Then he began to grind his hips into my backside, all while kissing and sucking on my neck. “That feels really good, Brett!” I moaned.

“It feels good to me too, dude. I love you so much,” Brett teased. “It feels so fucking good. God I want you! I want you so fucking bad!” He unbuckled my belt, complaining yet again about it being backwards, and my shorts fell to the floor in a heap. My underwear tented in front of me. Brett stopped kissing my neck just long enough to slip my underwear down to the floor before he returned to gently suck on my earlobe. He slipped out of his pants too and I felt his hot dick pressing between my ass cheeks. He spanked me with his dick playfully a few times before he slid it between my legs under my ass. I felt him jab the back of my balls. I squeezed my legs together and felt him down there, so hot and hard.

“Billy, I love you so much,” Brett whispered as he kissed my neck. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“I love you too,” I sighed.

“Don’t move,” he said. He went quickly over to his nightstand and back. Then I felt a cold liquid ooze into my butt crack.

“Did you already cum?” I asked.

“No, it’s hand lotion,” Brett laughed

“What are you doing?” I asked. “Don’t fuck me, I’m not ready for that.”

“I know. I’m not going to. You’ll see,” Brett whispered. Then he slid his dick between my ass cheeks and slowly began sliding it back and forth. I spread my ass slightly to allow him to squeeze himself in my crack. Then I tightened up again. He slid his hands up my sides and removed my borrowed Yankees shirt so he wouldn’t ruin it. I felt his smooth chest against my back as we stood there with our naked bodies pressed against each other. Brett’s hips began to thrust against my ass, his dick sliding in my crack between my clenched ass cheeks. Now I saw what he wanted to do with me, and I liked it. I braced myself against the wall as he groped his hands all over me. He kissed my shoulder and then up to my ear lobe again.

“I love you, Billy,” he said in a whisper. “I love you so much, dude.” He spanked my ass hard! He grabbed my hips and began slamming against my ass powerfully and rapidly, his dick sliding firmly through my crack. “Oh fuck! I’m gonna shoot, dude!” he gasped. I felt his dick spurt his hot spunk up my back and trickle down all over my ass. “Oh fuck, Billy!” he cried as he frantically pumped his dick between my cheeks. “I came all over your ass, dude. Fuck that’s hot! God damn, your ass is fucking amazing!” I quickly collected as much of his stuff as I could with my good hand. I could feel it sliding down my back and my ass. I turned to face him, and then I rubbed his warm spooge all over my dick, intending to jerk off using it for lube. “Oh shit, that’s too fucking hot!” Brett cried. He kissed me as passionately as he’d ever done before. Tongues and lips and hands and anything else we could share with each other merged together. Brett kissed me deliriously as I jacked off using his sperm as lube.

“Oh my god I can’t take it anymore!” he cried. He turned around, dropped to his knees and bent over on all fours so that his ass was exposed to me. My cock throbbed as I jerked it with his cum. I was ready to do to him what he’d done to me. But then he looked back at me over his shoulder lustfully.

“Fuck me, Billy.”

“Really?”

“God yes! Please don’t make me wait any more. I’m so ready, dude. I need you to fuck me. Please!”

The sight of my naked boyfriend on all fours offering himself to me was too much for me. I didn’t fight the urge this time, I went with it. I dropped to my knees behind him. It was time. No more excuses. This was the moment we’d dreamed about for so long. We were going to do it. We were going to have sex! I wanted it just as much as he did. I was ready. Everything felt so perfect and so right. I looked down at his naked behind and lined myself up. Brett turned to look at me and smiled. I could feel my heart pumping in my ears, I was so nervous. Doubts began to pop into my head about what I was doing. We both wanted it to happen, but now that it had come to it I began to realize just what I was about to do to the boy I loved. God, he was just so amazingly beautiful when he was naked. No fancy clothes, no attitude problems, just Brett and me. I pressed my dick gently against his entrance. Nothing happened. There was no way my dick was going to fit inside him without hurting him. “It won’t fit,” I said. “You’re too tight. Maybe we shouldn’t do this…”

“No, you can’t chicken out now!” Brett insisted. “You’re not going to hurt me. Don’t be a pussy, Billy. You barely even tried. Here…” He grabbed the lotion and prepped himself even more, then he grabbed my dick and lined it up with his asshole again. “There,” he instructed. “Push it hard. Don’t be afraid, dude. I’m ready. I want it in me. I want you to fuck me.” He pushed backward and I pressed my hips forward. I felt a lot of resistance, but it was weakening. I wanted to back out but Brett was determined.

“We should stop,” I said.

“Don’t you dare!” Brett said.

My dick bent under the pressure.

“It’s not going in…” I said.

“Yes it is!” Brett insisted, willing me into his body. He pushed even harder. His asshole started to open for me. I began to sink into him. “Don’t stop, it’s almost…” Suddenly, everything opened. I slipped into Brett’s ass and because we’d been pushing so hard and had used so much lube my whole dick forced its way into him right to the hilt! My hips slammed into his ass and we almost fell over. Brett cried out in surprise and pain. “Aaaahhhh fuck!!!!!!”

“Oh my god! It’s in, Brett!” I gasped. “It’s really in!”

“No fuckin’ shit! Jesus Christ! You didn’t have to put the whole fucking thing in me!” Brett cried.

“I’m sorry,” I replied. “Once things opened up I couldn’t stop.”

“It’s okay. It just hurts like a motherfucker! I didn’t think it would hurt so much.”

“You want me to take it out?” I asked.

“No way, dude. I’ve waited too long to back out now. Just let me get used to it, okay?”

I held still for a little while, but just looking down at us connected together was too much for me. I felt like I was going to shoot before we even got started. I pushed a little deeper and Brett gasped again.

“Sorry!” I said. “I couldn’t help myself. You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, it hurts, but it’s getting better,” Brett cried. “It’s not so bad now. I think I’m getting used to it.” He wiggled his ass a little bit. “God, this is so weird! I can’t believe you actually went through with it. You’re really inside of me. It feels funny. Okay… Okay, I think I’m ready now, Billy. I want you to start fucking me now. Just take it slow, okay?”

I withdrew myself about half way and then slowly pushed back against his behind until my dark blond pubes pressed against his butt. Once we’d gotten through the entry things went a lot easier, but I would stop when Brett would gasp in pain. I really wanted to enjoy the moment but I was trying really hard not to blow my load in two thrusts. Just when I would think I was as deep inside of him as I could get, one of us would move and I would slip in even further. We were like one. We just stayed connected like that for a while, not moving, enjoying the moment we had waited so long to experience. It felt so intense. Brett was so beautiful. He reached under his balls and touched where we were joined together, as if to fully process what was happening to him. His fingers tickled my balls. Instinct started to take over and I began to make love to him. You would think that I would have spent the whole time looking at my dick, but that wasn’t the case. I kind of did everything I could to avoid looking at it. I looked at the back of Brett’s neck and his back. I looked around the room. I saw Sneaker looking at us and wondered what was going through his mind, watching his master being fucked. I wondered what Brett’s mom would think, if she knew her son was losing his virginity at that very moment. I wondered what my parents would think if they knew what I was doing. Brett moaned in pleasure and brought me back to my overloaded senses. He wiggled his butt against my hips. My brain felt like fireworks were going off inside it, and my body felt even better. I never felt so alive, so raw, and so me. I wanted to come but I didn’t at the same time. I wanted the feeling to last forever, but I knew it couldn’t last very long.

“I love you, Brett.”

“I love you too, Billy. Now shut up and fuck me!” he cried. He was in ecstasy. He pushed his ass against me, as if now that we had been joined together he never wanted to be separated again. It was like I could feel our very souls merging. With each thrust of my hips, Brett moaned louder.

“I don’t know what you’re doing to me but it’s amazing!” Brett panted. As I pushed forward he pushed backward. We began to speed up. The sound of our bodies colliding together grew louder and more rapid. Brett cried, “Jesus Christ! I’ve never felt anything like this in my life! Oh fuck me, babe! Please don’t fucking stop! I love you so much, babe!”

I grabbed his hips as best I could with one arm in a cast, and just let my mind go and my body take over. Our sweaty teenage bodies were joined in the passions and lust of adolescent sex. It didn’t last very long, maybe two or three minutes, if that. Brett’s loud cries and moans of passion were too much for my sex-fueled mind to handle. My dick slipped out of him and I pressed him against the floor in the very spot where we’d jacked off together for the first time. I mounted him, placing my knees on either side of his ass. I quickly slipped my dick back into him and I pounded away at him with hard rapid thrusts. My body felt like fire! I laid down on top of him, so that now my full weight was upon him, my chest against his back. I wrapped my good arm under his chest. I started to kiss the tender nape of his neck that I’d so often dreamed about kissing. Brett’s nakedness felt good against my skin and he moaned with each thrust. We were doing things to each other that we’d never realized we could do before. My mind had no comprehension of words. Our communication had become grunts, moans, and sighs which we somehow understood more deeply and intimately than words could express. I gently bit the back of Brett’s left shoulder. He cried out in surprised pleasure and pain. I wasn’t Billy Roberts in that moment. I was an animal. For once, I didn’t try to analyze what was happening. My mind had no words for what was happening. One thought began to flood my brain: I had to cum, desperately. I had to share what was inside of me with the boy I had loved for so long. It was like I had to put a portion of my very soul inside of him, so that a part of me would always be part of him. For a fleeting second, I thought that I probably should have asked Brett if it was okay if I could do it inside him, but in my lust I couldn’t put the words together. My brain filled me with a kind of pleasure and release that felt like every good feeling and emotion in my body had exploded simultaneously. My body slipped out of rhythm and I thrust myself into him as deep as I could get.

I came.

I shot my load so hard I almost expected to see it shoot right out of Brett’s mouth. It was the most amazing orgasm of my life! I closed my eyes and slammed my dick deep into him instinctually ten or twelve times until every drop of what I’d made inside of my balls was now inside of him.

“Ohhhh god!!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!” I growled in total pleasure. It was as if my whole life had been meant to lead to shooting my load in him.

And just like that it was over. I’d made love to Brett and no one could ever take that moment away from us. I collapsed onto his back with all of my weight on top of him, having totally exhausted every bit of my energy. I felt as if I had literally just shared my soul with him. I now knew just what all the big deal was about sex. Jacking off had not prepared me for what I had just experienced. I’d barely just finished, I was still inside of him, and I was already desperately aching for the next opportunity to experience that rapturous, unspeakable pleasure again.

“Dude, did you just cum in me?” Brett asked, bringing me back to reality.

“Uh huh…” I grunted.

“Oh…” he replied.

“Didn’t you want me to?” I panted.

“No… Wow… I mean… It’s cool. I just didn’t realize you were going to cum in me. I guess I should have… But it’s cool,” he replied.

My softening dick slipped out of Brett and I rolled off of him and onto my back. Brett reached his hand down to his butt hole and gently rubbed it I already missed being inside him. He rolled onto his side and made himself cozy next to me. He rested his head on my chest, draped one leg over mine, and gently stroked the soft flesh between my dick and my belly button while he sucked my nipple. Our naked bodies were flushed with the heat of afterglow. We had only moments ago consummated our love and already I longed to do it again. Brett was so beautiful, and even more so when he was naked. I loved it as he snuggled against me. I loved him so much I could have just died in his arms.

“That was something else…” Brett sighed. “God damn, you even bit me.” he said.

“Yeah... Sorry about that,” I replied. “I just lost it there at the end.”

“I know. I loved it,” he said, smiling. “I liked seeing you lose it like that. It was fucking hot as shit.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, I like that side of you. I just got to experience something with you that no one ever has before. I liked it. I like when you get wild.”

I laughed, “I didn’t really mean to bite you.”

“That’s what made it so hot!”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well if I have to explain it to you…”

“No. Don’t explain it. I think I understand what you’re saying,” I replied. I lightly massaged his shoulder where I’d bit him. There was a little mark, so I knew I’d really chomped down on him harder than I thought. It was the shoulder he’d broken when he got hit by that car.

“I think I gave you a hickey,” he said lazily.

“I don’t care,” I replied breathlessly. “We just had sex! I don’t care about a thing in the world right now except you.”

For a while we just laid there naked on the floor with each other. As my mind was beginning to restore itself, I began to think about what we had just done.

“That was really awesome…” Brett sighed. “I’m so glad we did it. It felt amazing. I can’t believe we just had sex. You fucked me, Billy. You even came inside me.”

“Yeah… You’re okay with that, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s cool. Not like I’m going to get pregnant or an STD from you. I liked it. It’s just… It’s a little weird. I just wasn’t expecting it, you know. It wasn’t until it was happening that I’d even thought about it. I don’t know, I guess I thought you’d pull out or tell me it was happening like in the movies. I mean, I guess I don’t mind that you came inside me, I guess. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you have sex. I just hadn’t thought about how weird it would be until it really happened.”

“Why does it feel weird?” I asked.

“I don’t know. It just… I mean, don’t get me wrong, it felt good. It’s just… You know, your sperm is inside me now. It’s like, I can feel your stuff inside me, trying to get me pregnant!” Brett joked.

“Really?” I asked.

“Kinda,” Brett laughed nervously. “It’s just really weird thinking about what just happened to me. You know? I’ve licked your stuff before, but this is different. No one’s ever ejaculated in me before. Something that you made inside of you is alive inside of me now. It’s like a part of you is a part of me now, and always will be. It just makes the whole thing seem more real or something. I don’t know. It’s kinda weird.”

“Yeah...” I replied. “I never really thought of it that way. Weird.”

“I’m really happy we did it, babe.” Brett said, still laughing nervously. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long and now it’s happened. Nothing can ever take away what we just did. You’re always going to be the one who took my virginity. It’s just going to take some time to get used to it.”

“I know. I guess you took my virginity too,” I smiled. “And here I thought we were just gonna play video games today.”

“I know. That was totally crazy, right? One minute we’re fighting, the next you’re fucking me. I kind of lost it when you rubbed my spooge on your dick. I don’t know what came over me but that was about the hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life and I just couldn’t wait any longer. And then a minute later, we’re on the floor and then you’re coming inside of me, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied. For a moment, I felt a twinge of regret at how quick and unprepared everything had been. But I also felt a sense of pride and accomplishment. I mean, I certainly hadn’t woken up that morning and thought that this would be the day I would lose my virginity. But it was! I’d had sex with Brett! I had just totally fucked him! And yeah, I was really turned on about my sperm still being inside his body. “Are you sure you’re okay with everything?” I asked.

“I guess so, yeah,” Brett laughed that nervous laugh of his again. “Are you upset because we didn’t wait for the perfect time?” Brett asked, as if reading my mind.

“Oh, I don’t know, Brett. I think that was pretty close to perfect,” I smiled. Then I pulled him closer to me and kissed him again.