Rehabilitation - 11. You Can't Always Get What You Want

Keeping a secret away from Brett was always agonizing. I thought it was bad when I was keeping my feelings for him hidden back before we got together. But this was even more painful. How could I keep from him what I knew about Dustin? Did I even believe it myself?

 

But there was something else, too, that was keeping me from sharing everything with Brett. I had the nagging feeling that he had taken my pain pills from me. As I thought more about it, the last time I’d seen them was when I was packing, and he had asked me if I wanted to get rid of them. It was starting to make sense in my mind. He’d told me it wasn’t pot that had made him so loopy the day he’d sent me out for Mountain Dew. Maybe he’d taken my pain pills? Maybe the reason he wanted to get rid of them for me was so he could take them for himself? Maybe he’d stolen them instead of packing them? It hurt me to think that Brett may have become someone who I didn’t even know, someone who would steal from me to get high.

 

Brett could tell something was wrong with me, of course. But I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. I couldn’t tell him that I thought he was a dirty no-good lying thief. I couldn’t tell him that Dustin was selling himself for sex. I couldn’t tell anybody. It was ripping me apart.

 

At night, I would lie awake wondering if Dustin was okay. He wasn’t necessarily safe at home, but he definitely wasn’t safe at the park. I thought about sneaking out at night and going up there to confront him. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got at Dustin’s family. It was their fault, really. They’d so bullied and neglected Dustin that they’d driven him to do the awful things that he was doing. Who knew what disgusting pervert was going to pick him up? Who knew what horrible diseases he was exposing himself to? Who knew how long Dustin could keep this going until something went wrong and somebody picked him up who wanted something more than a blow job or a fuck? What if somebody hurt him, or worse? What if one night he just disappeared and no one ever saw him again? I so desperately wanted to call him. It had now been over two months since I’d seen him. Surely things had calmed down between us, hadn’t they? I hoped that Mike had softened him enough that when we saw each other at volleyball practice that we could finally put our conflict behind us.

 

I lay there for so long that I lost track of time. Soon I had the urge to go to the bathroom, so I got up and walked across the quiet hallway. I stood in front of the toilet and stood there for a while waiting for everything to kick into gear. Eventually, the piss started flowing strongly into the bowl. It was so strong I could feel some splashback on me. After a good thirty seconds or so I finally finished up. I shook my dick a few times and the I turned to head back to my room. But I was shocked to see Dustin sitting on the counter of the bathroom, looking at me.

 

“Holy shit, Dustin! You scared the crap out of me!”

 

“Looks like I scared the piss out of you actually,” he laughed.

 

“How did you get in here?” I asked.

 

“You left your back door unlocked,” Dustin replied. “You should quit doing that.”

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

 

“My parents don’t give a shit where I go anymore, so I figured I’d come see you.”

 

“Did Mike talk to you?” I asked.

 

“Oh yeah. He says that I should talk to you. He says he wants us to be friends. But I told him I don’t want to be friends with a backstabbing faggot like you.”

 

“Dustin, I’m sorry,” I replied.

 

“Hey, you’re the one with blood on your hands, Billy,” Dustin said.

 

Sure enough, I looked at my hands and they were soaked with blood, even worse than when I’d punched the mirror. “What the fuck?” I cried.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s not your blood, it’s mine,” Dustin replied, and in the mirror I could see the handle of a butcher knife lodged in Dustin’s back.

 

“What the fuck!?!” I cried.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Dustin laughed. “You’re dreaming, Billy! Oh, and you just totally pissed the bed too!” He laughed even harder.

 

I awoke with a start and cracked myself in the head with my cast. “Ow, shit!” I exclaimed. Then I realized that I was soaked.

 

“Oh no… No no no!! Not again!” I cried. It’d been over a year since I’d pissed the bed, but here I was fifteen years old and I’d done it again! That fucking dream had gotten me again! I should have realized that I wasn’t wearing my cast when I went to the bathroom! There was always some kind of sign in my dreams if I could catch it quick enough. I was so angry with myself. I ripped the sheets off the bed and threw them on the floor. My shorts and shirt quickly followed and I stood there naked. My eyes burned as I picked up the sheet and dried my mid-section off. Then, wearing nothing but that damn cast on my arm, I sat naked and cross-legged on the bed. Everything was so fucked up! I couldn’t even give myself a proper shower because of my cast, so I sat there brushing angry, frustrated tears from my cheeks and sobbing.

 

I knew what the problem was. I was so stressed out about the whole Dustin mess that it had messed me up too! I really needed to talk to somebody about what was going on, but I couldn’t. I heard a rustling out in the kitchen, and then footsteps toward my room. I didn’t even try to hide my nakedness or my tears. I just sat there naked, snuffling and exposed in the darkness.

 

“Are you okay? I heard noises. Where are your clothes? Why are you crying?” mom asked.

 

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m masturbating,” I replied sarcastically.

 

“With no sheets and a big wet spot on the bed, huh?” mom replied.

 

“I’m really good at it,” I said.

 

“I’m sure you are,” mom said. “The dream again?” she asked.

 

“No, I like pissing all over myself,” I pouted.

 

“Well, I can tell you’ve been under a lot of stress. Let me take your sheets. You know you could put on some clothes.”

 

“Maybe I like to be naked,” I said. “I don’t have anything you haven’t seen before. Right?”

 

“Just because I’ve seen it before doesn’t mean I want to see it again,” mom replied.

 

I laughed in spite of myself. “Yeah, I guess so. Guess I’ve made a pretty good mess of things lately, haven’t I?”

 

Mom scooped up my blankets and sheets. “Well, I’d have preferred you hadn’t broken your hand, that’s for sure. But overall, I can’t complain too much.”

 

“Oh thanks…”

 

Mom smiled. “It’s true. We’ve done alright this summer by ourselves haven’t we?”

 

“Yeah, I guess so. I just feel really stupid right now.”

 

“Why, because you wet the bed? Well knock it off,” mom scolded me gently. “It wasn’t your fault you wet the bed. You just have weak bladder, that’s all. You always have since you were little. Or maybe it’s something more? You’re not still blaming yourself for what happened to your father, are you?”

 

“No. I know there was nothing I could have done. I just… Oh, you wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Well I’m not going to understand if you don’t tell me what’s going on,” mom said.

 

“Nah… You always think my problems are stupid. Anytime I try to talk to you, you just tell me to get over it or tell me you don’t have time for my stupid problems.”

 

“When have I ever told you I don’t have time for you?” mom asked.

 

“Well… You never say it directly…”

 

“Then what’s the problem? I’m here aren’t I? Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

 

“I… I can’t just explain it like that. It’s complicated.”

 

“Teenagers…” mom sighed.

 

“See!” I replied.

 

“Billy, I know everything seems like a national catastrophe right now. But you’re fifteen. I know it sounds like I don’t care sometimes because I keep telling you it’s not as bad as you think it is, but that’s because I’ve been there. I was fifteen once you know.”

 

“Oh really? I thought you just sprung up from the earth as a fully formed adult,” I snipped.

 

“It’s impossible to talk to you,” mom sighed. “Seriously, the whole sarcastic, angsty, nobody-understands-me act is really getting old. You’re not Holden Caulfield, Billy.”

 

“Who?” I asked. “Anyway, no one asked you to come in here. No one is making you stay.”

 

Mom didn’t reply. She simply walked over to my dresser and opened my underwear drawer. She pulled out a pair of boxers. “I don’t remember buying you these.”

 

“You didn’t. They’re Brett’s.”

 

“You’re wearing each other’s underwear now?” she asked.

 

“No… It’s just a pair of boxers. It’s not like Brett is wearing my underpants. He wouldn’t be caught dead those plain old things.”

 

“Well, I don’t know… It’s a little weird don’t you think?”

 

“No,” I replied, grabbing the boxers from her. “He gave them to me. Maybe he was tired of seeing me in those plain white underpants you always buy me,” I complained.

 

“Do you sit around together in your underpants often?” mom asked.

 

“No... Now, do you mind? I’d like to get into these.” I waited until she left the room before I stood up to pull the boxers on.

 

Overall, I’d say mom was really good about the whole mess. I spent what was left of the night on the couch wearing Brett’s boxers and an old t-shirt. I didn’t do any sleeping, my mind now had even more to think about than the situation with Dustin. I was so nervous about seeing him again. Not only had he threatened to kill me the last time he saw me, not only had he attacked me, but now I had this whole mess with him selling himself for sex at the park. I couldn’t help but feel responsible for what he was doing. If I’d been nicer to him, if I hadn’t betrayed him at that ballgame… But there was nothing I could do about the past now. Now I had to worry about the future. There had to be some way to help him.

 

When seven o’clock finally arrived, I took a long bath with a plastic bag over my cast. It was so weird taking actual baths after years of taking showers. I really couldn’t wait for everything to get back to normal. I lay there for a while, staring at my body. My skinny legs were too long to fit comfortably in the tub so my knees were sticking out of the water. I gently washed my scrawny chest and belly as I absent-mindedly ran my tongue over my braces. If it were possible, I’d gotten even skinnier over the summer. My dick and balls lay there limp and unimpressive in a small bed of short dark blond hair. I’d taken to keeping my pubes trimmed since I’d started having sex with Brett regularly. Brett kept his mowed down almost to the skin, but not quite. If we were going to be putting our goods to regular use, we wanted them to look their best.

 

My mind kept wandering back to Dustin. I wondered if he was at his house right at that moment, thinking about seeing me again for the first time since he’d kicked my broken hand. I wondered if he felt bad about how things had ended. I wondered if last night had been a night at the park for him. I wondered how frequently he “worked.”

 

When I felt sufficiently clean, I stood up and gently stepped out of the tub. I grabbed a towel and dried off as best I could with one hand. My dark blond hair remained stubbornly wet. I thought it kind of looked sexy when I saw it in the mirror. I hadn’t tried putting in my contacts since the incident, but I figured I’d try it. I must have looked ridiculous, standing there with a towel wrapped around my skinny waist, jabbing myself clumsily in the eye with my finger repeatedly. Finally, though, I did manage to get both lenses into place, even if I had to use the wrong hand to do it. In my room, I picked out some clothes and changed. Mom had re-done my bed for me, and I was thankful. I was also thankful that I could dress myself fairly easily now. I was hopeful that after everything was over I’d be able to better use my right hand than I had been before I’d messed myself up.

 

After mom went to work, I made myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast and then I went outside, sat on the front step, and waited for the Barnharts to pick me up. I had arranged to have Emily’s mom pick me up along the way. I wondered how Dustin was going to get to the school. Soon enough, Emily and her mom pulled up and we were on our way.

 

Miss Winston wanted me to be at the school early to set up the nets and get things ready for practice. I assumed Dustin would be there too, but if not I knew that Emily would help me. Emily’s mom asked me all kinds of questions about dad. Now that he was doing better, these questions didn’t annoy me like they used to. We got to the school so early Miss Winston wasn’t even there yet, so Em and I sat outside on the steps and waited.

 

“So what’s going on between you and Dusty?” she asked.

 

“Nothing,” I said quickly.

 

“Don’t play games with me, Billy. He’s been so depressed since school let out. He’s been moping around my house all summer. He told me you two haven’t spoken to each other since school.”

 

“Did he tell you why?” I asked, slightly panicked. If he’d told her…

 

“Of course not,” she replied. “I swear you boys are worse than girls. So what happened?”

 

“Well, if you must know, we had a fight. A big one. Didn’t you notice I have a broken arm?”

 

“Oh please, everyone knows how you did that!” Emily teased. “If I had to look at that face in the mirror every day I might do the same thing.”

 

“Have I ever told you what a bitch you are to me?” I joked.

 

“I’m only as much a bitch to you as you are a dick to everyone else. Seriously though, Billy. You really have to talk to him. I’ve known Dusty as long as I’ve known you, and I’ve never seen him like this. He doesn’t have anyone else. He really needs you. He’s lost without you. You’re his best friend.”

 

“He’s got you, and you’ve got a pool,” I replied. “What does he need me for?”

 

“You know, if you could pry yourself away from Brett Reilly every once in a while, and…”

 

“Brett’s got nothing to do with this,” I protested. “Why does everyone keep trying to tell me who my friends should be? I don’t need your permission to live my life.”

 

“Billy, I’m not telling you how to live your life, I’m just…”

 

“Then shut up,” I warned.

 

“I’m just saying that you do have other friends besides Reilly. I know he’s special to you, but other people love you too, you know.”

 

“What do you mean, ‘he’s special?’” I asked.

 

“Do you really want me to spell it out for you?” she asked. “Do you think I wouldn’t have noticed you two have been inseparable since summer started, even more than before? Did you think that no one would notice that you guys disappeared for the whole month of July? You think I don’t know what you boys are doing? I’m surprised you came up for air.”

 

I thought for a moment that she knew all about me. But no, she couldn’t have known. I’d been too careful. “Whatever,” I said. “Where else was I supposed to go? My arm’s broke so I can’t go swimming at your house. My dad’s in rehab so I can’t go to work with him. My best friend hates me so I can’t go to his house. Where exactly did you want me to go this summer? Besides, Brett listens to me! Brett doesn’t tell me how to run my life like some of my friends are trying to do. Just drop it.”

 

“Look, I’ve known you all my life, Billy. You don’t have to pretend around me. I know what it’s been like for you. No one’s happier for you than me that you’ve got Brett. But like I said, other people love you too. And one of them is your best friend.”

 

We were prevented from further discussion when Miss Winston arrived with a tall, very pale, lanky, long-haired boy in tow. His hair was jet black, and it took me a few seconds to recognize him as Dustin. Apparently he had decided to dye his hair black since the last time we’d crossed paths. It made him look even more pale than usual, like he hadn’t been outside in the daylight in a month. After eighteen months without a haircut, his hair was now down to his shoulders. It hadn’t seemed possible, but he was even thinner now than he’d been before, and he looked like he’d added another inch or two in height. He smiled when he saw Emily, and even gave her a kiss on the cheek. He didn’t give me the time of day.

 

“Looks like you’re going to have to do most of the heavy lifting, Dustin,” Miss Winston said, noting my still mending left hand. “Billy, you’ll have to fill Dustin in on what we do around here.”

 

“Whatever you need, Coach,” Dustin said. It was the first time I’d heard him speak since that painful day in early June. I had to admit, I’d missed the sound of his voice. It was a soft, smooth voice that felt good in my ears. As soon as Miss Winston left us Dustin turned to me. “Just tell me what to do so I can get the hell away from you.”

 

We got the nets up and set everything out while the girls arrived. When he was away from me and around the girls, Dustin was his old smiley cheerful self. He flirted with the girls and they flirted with him. He did his best to ignore me, but when he had to interact with me it was like he flipped a switch and the smile and cheer were gone. To his credit, he did everything I asked him to do. To my credit, I didn’t take advantage of the situation and did my best to pull my weight. The girls doted on me because of my busted hand and by the end of the morning they had all asked me about how my dad was doing. I think if I could go to school with just girls my life would be so much easier. They were all so nice to me. They didn’t expect me to be a macho testosterone-fueled dick like the boys seemed to.

 

It was a lot of work, and I was happy when we took a break. I talked with some of the girls and I noticed Emily and Dustin leaving through the gym’s side door alone. I quietly excused myself and made my way to follow them. I was hoping that this might be my opportunity to break the ice with Dustin. As I got close to the door, they came back into the gym.

 

“What, were you doing, spying on me again?” Dustin asked.

 

“No, I…”

 

“What part of ‘stay the hell away from me’ didn’t you get, you little creep?” he sneered. He stormed off.

 

“You weren’t spying on us, were you?” Emily asked.

 

“No. I swear!” I replied.

 

“Good. I don’t know what you did to him, but you need to apologize.”

 

“I need to apologize?” I asked indignantly. “I’m not the one acting like a dick!”

 

“Billy, you always act like a dick,” Emily replied.

 

“Hey!” I whined. “I do not!”

 

“I know. I’m just teasing you. I know how you really are. And I know that you have a habit of putting your foot in your mouth. You get angry and you say stupid things. But when you say those things you need to be a man and own up to it. You did something to him that really hurt his feelings. I wish he’s just tell me, but you’re the only one he talks to about things.”

 

“Why am I the one who has to fix everything?”

 

“Because you’re the only one who can, Billy! You need to be like your dad and deal with it.”

 

I scowled at her. “I’m not my father. Why even bring him up? You’re just trying to get me all worked up. If you were anyone else I’d kick your ass.”

 

“I’m not anyone else. I love you, Billy. And I love Dusty, too. I hate to see you boys fighting. I know how you feel about Reilly, but you need to remember that it’s the same way Dusty feels about you.”

 

I laughed. “Oh I seriously doubt that.”

 

“You’d be surprised what I know about you and Anthony, William,” she replied.

 

Before we could continue our conversation, Miss Winston blew her whistle and our break was over. All during the rest of practice, though, I could barely concentrate. I had never really thought about what Emily had said about the way Dustin felt about me. But the more I thought about it the more it all made sense. What if Dustin really did feel about me the way I felt about Brett? I mean, how would I feel if Brett was in love with someone I hated and I had to stand on the sideline and watch it? How would I react? I’d probably behave about the same way Dustin was behaving. I might even look for another outlet to express my sexual frustration, though I might not go as far as Dustin had gone. And what if Brett had treated me the way I had treated Dustin? What if Brett had basically spied on my private sex life used my secret to keep me quiet? I’d probably look at Brett with the same hurt and angry look that Dustin was giving me from across the gym floor. I might even do something crazy like dye my hair black.

 

Practice ended and while the girls were changing Dustin and I put away all the equipment. Well, Dustin did the work and I supervised. Once everything was put away, Dustin grabbed a basketball and practiced shooting hoops. I talked with some of the girls and joked around as best I could. Being an introvert is a real pain sometimes. Soon Emily joined Dustin and I couldn’t help but watch the two of them playing around together. It was just like how Dustin and I used to be, except she was far better at basketball than me and could actually give Dustin a run for his money. Most of the time I never even scored any points against him. In the midst of their game, the basketball rolled away from them and bounced right to me. I tried to dribble it, with my right hand of course, but it bounced off my foot and rolled away. The girls laughed light-heartedly at my total lack of athletic ability. I blushed and explained that I wasn’t right-handed, but I think we all knew that even if I’d used my left hand I still had zero talent. I scooped up the ball and walked toward Dustin and Emily while the other girls left the gym.

 

“Here,” I said, tossing the ball to Dustin.

 

“Thanks,” Dustin said stiffly.

 

“Hey… You, ummm… You want to talk?”

 

“Not to you,” Dustin replied.

 

“Oh… Okay,” I said. I turned around and started to walk away.

 

“That’s it?” Emily asked. “You’re just going to walk away?”

 

I turned back around. “He doesn’t want to talk,” I said. “I can’t make him.”

 

“And you’re not going to fight?” she asked.

 

“I’m tired of fighting,” I replied. “I’m tired of being the better person.”

 

“What?!? You still think you’re the victim?” Dustin asked. “See that’s the problem. You don’t realize that you’re not the hero you think you are. You’re not better than me, Roberts. You hear me? You are not better than me.”

 

“I never said that I was! Look, I know I hurt you, Dustin. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t do it on purpose either. I did. I wanted to hurt you that day. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.”

 

“Well you did ruin it!” Dustin replied. “You stabbed me in the back. The last thing I’d want to be right now is your friend.”

 

“I want to be your friend…” I said weakly.

 

“You want a lot of stuff. Well, what you want isn’t important to me anymore. Go ahead and tell everybody about my life. Emily’s right here. Go on! Tell her what you know about me. Tell my parents about what I did. Be the backstabbing traitor you really are.”

 

“I don’t want to do any of that. I’m sorry! I just want to start over with you.”

 

“And I want you to not be a dick! But I guess we can’t get what we want from each other, can we?”

 

“I don’t know why I bothered,” I fumed. I turned to walk away.

 

“Yeah, that’s right. Turn your back on me like you always do, you faggot.”

 

“Dustin!” Emily exclaimed.

 

I turned back around and stormed up to Dustin, but he gave me a hard shove and I fell backwards onto my butt.

 

“Don’t make me destroy you, Roberts,” Dustin said coldly. “Because I will, one arm or not.”

 

I scampered back to my feet. “You want to hurt me? Hurt me then! You want to tell Emily what’s really going on? You want to tell her that me and Brett are boyfriends and that’s what you’re being so pissy about? Go ahead! Tell her! I don’t care if she knows! You want to kick my ass? Go ahead and do it if it makes you feel better, I don’t care anymore! You kicked my broken hand! Why not kick my ass too?”

 

“Boys!” Emily shouted.

 

“Shut up!” I yelled at her.

 

“Don’t tell her to shut up!” Dustin shouted. “You shut up!”

 

“Make me!” I exclaimed.

 

I should learn not to say that, because I always end up in pain when I say it. Without any warning Dustin took the basketball he was holding and threw it full force right at my head. Before I could react the ball smacked me right in the face and ricocheted across the gym. It got me right in the eye. Boy, am I glad I’d decided to wear my contacts that day! I reacted like I’d been shot. I took a hard dive onto the floor and clutched my face. I was going to have yet another black eye after that.

 

“Owwwwwwww!!!! You goddamn fucking mother fucker!” I cried. “That’s my bad eye you fucking idiot!” I held my hands up to my face like he’d thrown acid on me. “I could go blind you goddamn asshole!”

 

“Oh Jesus! I’m sorry Billy!” Dustin exclaimed. “I didn’t mean it… Aaaaagggghhhh! You cocksucker!!!” As soon as he was within range I nailed him with a kick right to the balls. He collapsed in a kneeling position, clutching his groin.

 

I held my hand out to Emily, hoping she would help me to my feet. But she shook her head and looked down in disgust at both of us. “You two are pathetic,” she said. “Can’t you see what you’re doing to each other? Can’t you see how much you love each other? You two are best friends! Stop acting like children and start acting like men.” Then she stormed out of the gym.

 

“Now look what you did,” I sneered.

 

“You’re the one who told her to shut up,” Dustin replied, rising to his feet. “Why did you kick me in the balls?”

 

I managed to pull myself up as well. “Why did you hit me in the face with a basketball? Okay, I’ve had enough of this shit! You want to do this?” I asked. “You want to kick my ass? Fine. Let’s do it!” I did my best imitation of a boxer’s pose, only with one good hand and a hand in a cast.

 

“Oh get off it! I’m not going to beat up a cripple,” Dustin replied.

 

“You’re the one who kicked me in the hand! You know what? Never mind. Fuck it. I don’t know why I bothered. I tried. You want to hate me, then hate me. This was fucking stupid anyway. I shouldn’t have listened to Mike and…”

 

“When did you talk to Mike?” Dustin asked angrily.

 

“Didn’t he tell you?” I asked.

 

“No! What were you doing talking to him? Were you spying on me again?”

 

“No, I…”

 

“You were, weren’t you! You just couldn’t leave well enough alone! Well screw you, Billy! Seriously, screw you and screw your stupid doofus boyfriend too! First you drop me like a bad habit for that bastard, then you betray me, then you spy on me, and now you’re trying to steal the only friend I’ve got left!”

 

“That’s not what happened!” I protested.

 

“You know what? I am gonna kick your ass! God knows you deserve it!” Dustin grabbed me by the hair and reared back, ready to hit me.

 

“No don’t!” I cried as I tried to protect myself. “Please!”

 

He dropped his fist and let go of me. He let out a gasp and shook his head. Tears formed in his eyes. “Oh my god… No… This isn’t right. No… No… This is… I can’t… What the hell is wrong with me?” I moved toward him, but he shoved me away. “Get away from me. I’m better than this! I’m better than them! This isn’t me.”

 

“It’s okay…” I said.

 

“I said get away from me!” Dustin shouted. “I’m better than this. I’m better than them! Everybody treats me like shit.” Tears streaked down his face. “I don’t deserve to be treated like shit! I’m not shit! I’m better than this! I’m going to get out of this goddamn town! I’m going to be somebody! You hear me?” He wiped the tears from his face. “I’m going to get away from smug little assholes like you!”

 

“I have treated you like shit, and I’m sorry,” I said.

 

“Oh shut up…” Dustin cried, his voice breaking. “Just leave me alone!” He turned away and ran across the gym and out the side doors.

 

I stood there for a moment, stunned. I wasn’t sure what to do next. Dustin had quite clearly told me to stay away from him and had come terribly close to punching me in the face. But yet, I knew he was hurting. I knew he needed me to be his friend. In that moment when he realized what he was about to do to me, I’d once again seen behind the mask. But if the mask was off, then the real Dustin, the fragile, broken Dustin he hid from the world was out there wounded. I couldn’t let him suffer alone. So I followed him out the door. I searched for a few minutes. I figured he was going to find a place away from people, so I avoided the front of the school where the girls were waiting for their rides. I ran toward the empty football field behind the school.

 

I found Dustin near the old empty concession stand. He was sitting on the ground with his back against the chain link fence which surrounded the football field. He was clutching his knees with his arms, rocking slowly forward and backward, crying. As I got closer I saw that his hands and his forehead were bloody. I cautiously walked toward him.

 

“Go away!” Dustin said, his voice cracking. Fresh tears had streaked his face.

 

I didn’t heed his warning. I just approached him cautiously and without saying a word sat on the ground next to him. His blood appeared almost as black as his hair compared to his pale features. Dustin buried his face into his legs and his shoulders heaved as he cried. Gently, very gently, I put my arm around him. Then he started bawling. His body shook as he sobbed.

 

“I can’t do this anymore, Billy. I can’t live like this,” he said between sobs.

 

“It’ll be alright,” I said.

 

Dustin lifted his head and looked at me. “You don’t know that. You don’t know what it’s like to have God hate you.”

 

“I don’t think God hates anybody,” I suggested.

 

“Bullshit… I don’t even think God exists anymore. If he did, he sure doesn’t give a crap about me. Look at me… Bawling like an idiot again,” he wiped his eyes. “Great. You going to tell the town about this, too?”

 

“Dustin, I am so sorry about what I did. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“Yeah you did. You wanted to hurt me because I told you the truth about Reilly.”

 

“I know you did,” I replied.

 

“So you finally believe me.”

 

“Can you really blame me for not believing you?” I asked.

 

“I guess not, even though I’ve been your best friend for your whole life. So what, did he admit it or is he still denying it?” Dustin asked. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, leaving a smear of red across his forehead.

 

“He admitted it and he quit.”

 

“Sure he did,” Dustin smirked. “Just going to do it behind your back from now on.”

 

“So how did you know?” I asked, hoping to open an avenue to talk about what he was doing in the park at night.

 

“I told you my sister told me. Besides, everybody knew, Billy. He wasn’t hiding it. You were in denial, that’s all. You just didn’t want to hear the truth. Kinda like I didn’t want to hear about you and Reilly boning each other.”

 

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

 

“Yeah... So, I guess you guys have probably done it?”

 

“Yeah…” I replied.

 

“I knew you would do it. Reilly was about ready to burst he was so horny. He was worse than Joey. Those two are so alike it’s scary. Maybe he’ll settle down now that he’s getting laid. It’s worse than a drug, isn’t it? Once you do it it’s all you want to do. Did you do him or did he do you?”

 

“Does it matter?” I asked.

 

“Yeah it does.”

 

“I’ve only done him so far.”

 

“Okay good.”

 

“Good?”

 

“Yeah, I don’t want him to do it to you. I don’t want him to have the pleasure.”

 

“To be honest, I’ve been a little bit afraid of letting him fuck me. I want him to, but it’s a big step even if we’ve already had sex. I want to see what it’s like but it’s kind of scary.”

 

“Well, whether you’re the top or bottom I guess you’re a faggot either way.”

 

“You fucked Mike. Are you saying you’re gay then?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know what I am anymore. I don’t want to be a fag, Billy. I hate myself for what I’ve done. I know it’s wrong, but I still keep doing it. I mean, doesn’t it bother you to be a faggot?”

 

“Could you stop calling me that?” I asked. “It’s really not something I like to be called.”

 

“Oh… Yeah, I’m sorry,” he said.

 

“Thank you. See, that’s what bothers me. It’s not being in love with Brett. That’s just natural to me. I’ve loved Brett since the day I met him. Don’t give me that look, it’s true. It’s not just the sex either. I loved him long before I had sex with him. And yeah it was a little weird at first, but I got used to that too. Having sex with Brett is just natural to me now. It just feels right. It’s the rest of the world that bothers me. I don’t know what the big problem is. We’re not hurting anybody, yet everybody’s got a problem with us. I tried to be normal, Dustin. You’ve heard me try to fake my way through stupid conversations about girls. You heard me protest time and time again that I wasn’t gay. And the more I did it the worse I felt about myself and the more I fell in love with Brett. Sex is just one expression of the love we have for each other. I’m in love with Brett, not his dick.”

 

“Well, how about I’m in love with Mike’s butt but not Mike? See, I’m not gay, Billy. I’m not. I just can’t be. The only time I ever feel that natural feeling you talked about is when I’m with you. I hate what I’m doing with Mike. It kills me that you of all people know about it. And the fact that you saw us doing it… It’s humiliating. Can you understand why I’m so screwed up about everything? I don’t want to do what I do. I hate it. I want to quit but I can’t.”

 

“You could stop if you wanted to,” I said. Dustin didn’t realize that I knew he was talking more about what he was doing in the park than what he was doing with Mike. At least that’s what I was reading into it.

 

“I wish it were that easy. It’s worse than a drug,” Dustin sighed. “I can’t stop. I try, but I just end up going back again. You know, I would have sex with girls too if I found one who just wanted to get laid and not do the whole relationship thing. I mean, look what trying to be in a relationship did to Joey.”

 

“Well, let’s be fair, Joey was trying to be with the world’s biggest bitch,” I replied. “And who says you have to be gay or straight? Maybe you’re bi?”

 

“Nah. If I love anything its sex. I just like getting my cock wet. I guess I’d screw anybody.”

 

“What about love?” I asked.

 

“What about it?”

 

“Well, don’t you have to love somebody to make love to them?”

 

Dustin laughed. “What does love have to do with sticking your cock in their hole? It’s just biology. Love is an invention meant to keep men in line.”

 

“How can you say that? How can you just turn off your heart and fuck somebody without even loving them?”

 

“I love you and we’ve never hooked up. All we’ve ever done is jerk each other off that one time and you stopped it before it got good,” Dustin replied. “If there is such a thing as love, you’d be about it for me. But I don’t want to screw you. I mean, I do want to, but I know we never can. I mean unless you dump Reilly. I would if you wanted to…”

 

“You’re way too big for me,” I said.

 

“Oh you’d be surprised what you can endure when you’re horny. Anyway, let Reilly loosen you up with his little boy cock and then come see me when you want to get screwed by a real cock,” Dustin smiled.

 

“Brett’s bigger than you think, you know. His might even be as thick as yours. It’s kinda why I haven’t let him do me yet.”

 

“Really? I wouldn’t have guessed that from looking at the little runt. I’m usually pretty accurate. Well, after he’s loosened you up you should give mine a try. I’ll bet you’d like it.”

 

“This is why Brett doesn’t trust you. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were trying to seduce me. I thought you still hated me.”

 

Dustin laughed. “I can’t stay mad at you, Billy. You know that. We’ve been friends longer than I can remember. I guess that makes me a sucker, because I know you’ll just hurt me again. But I can’t help it, I really do love you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, which is sad because you really are a jerk to me sometimes. But even though I should hate you for what you do to me, I can’t do it.”

 

“I really am sorry about everything I did to you,” I said. “I never should have said anything about what happened in the woods and everything. I know how much that hurt you. I’m really sorry about the way I’ve treated you. I never meant to treat you like an afterthought. I’ve missed you.”

 

“Well, I’m sorry I kicked your hand. That was really stupid. I’m sorry I called you a faggot. And I’m sorry I almost beat you up. I feel really bad about everything.”

 

“So I guess we’re friends again then?” I asked.

 

“I guess so. Why not?”

 

“Awesome,” I smiled. “So what happened to your forehead?”

 

“I punched this fence until my hands started bleeding and then I head butted it,” Dustin replied matter-of-factly. “I’ve had worse. What did you talk to Mike about?”

 

“Nothing really. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you we talked. He was supposed to soften you up for me,” I admitted.

 

“Well, he’s been weird lately. He’s been feeling guilty about the age difference, but I’m the one who started everything. I did the old card trick on him. There are guys older than him who’d give anything to have a teenager with a big cock like mine screwing them or to suck on it. Anyway, he’s worried about his mom, too. So, do you think Em’s mom would give me a ride home?”

 

“I’m sure she would. Unless Em’s decided to hate both of us after what we did. Oh god, I can’t believe I just outed myself to her!”

 

“Oh don’t worry about Em. She’s known about you and Reilly for years. She’s just too polite to say anything about it. Oh, sorry about the basketball. Is your eye okay? It looks a little red.”

 

“Oh, it’s fine. We better go find Em. She’s probably pretty sore at us. We’re going to have to kiss a lot of ass.”

 

Well, we did find Emily. And she was very angry at us. But when we told her how sorry we were and kissed her ass and told her how it was her help that got us to be friends again, she forgave us. Dustin gave her a kiss on the cheek, which really made her smile.

 

So, with my first mission accomplished, I began to think about what to do next. It was great to have Dustin actually smiling at me and treating me like a friend again. But I still had to figure out what to do to help him. And why the hell hadn’t Mike talked to him about me? I knew he was busy with his mom, but come on! He really left me out to dry. And then there was Brett. What was he going to say when he found out that Dustin and I were friends again? I wasn’t looking forward to telling him.