The List - 24. Epilogue

Epilogue

The next day was a master class in anticipation. It was weird; I looked forward to seeing Chase swim so badly, everything else just kind of melted into the background. Before I could hop in the passenger’s side of his car at 2:00 and make the one hour trip to Waco, I had several stops to make.

I took the form that Mitchell had signed for me and returned it to the student health center so that my work there was done. There was one follow up course four weeks later, but I had essentially paid my drunken debt to society.

After that, Tye wanted to meet with me about nationals the following week.

“Look, Coop, I didn’t want to put too much pressure on you when we talked yesterday,” he said in his little cubicle. “I know you didn’t anticipate playing until the fall, let alone starting. But I really think you can do this.”

“Tye, I’m up for the challenge,” I responded, feeling confident. “It sucks that Penny bailed, but the show must go on, so I’ll give it my all.”

“You really are a good setter,” he smiled from across the desk. “I hope I’m here during your senior year to see how good you become.”

“Or to see what freshman waltzes in and takes my spot,” I grinned. Too soon? Perhaps. Tye changed the subject to why he’d really asked me to his desk.

“Is everything okay personally? Your black eye is fading, but I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’m alright, Tye,” I said sincerely.

“Good. I know how it can be, I guess. Different. Small school, conservative. Just… I know how it can be.”

It was one of those rare intimate moments between two people on the same page that didn’t need to be elaborated. I could just imagine a small but strong guy like Tye joining a volleyball league in a small town and being harassed for it while his other jock friends did more traditionally masculine sports. It was clear by the look in his eye that he had had to fight before, and he was worried about me. I appreciated the concern.

After that meeting, I walked straight to the dorms to do what I had been putting off for nearly two weeks. I knew that Spencer would be swimming at the Baylor meet. I also knew that I’d most likely be crashing at their hotel, going to their dinner, and generally hanging out with swimmers for a couple of days. Avoiding him would be impossible. The rumors that I was dating Chase would be flying. I needed to nip our feud in the bud before it left Dallas, and I walked over to my old dorm room with that determination in my step.

It felt weird knocking on my own door. It felt even weirder when Spencer opened it and looked at me like I was a stranger.

“Can I come in?” I asked. He opened the door wider for me and let me through. The room was different. My bed had been lofted on top of Spencer’s, creating a space that appeared twice as big as before. He’d moved the desk to the side, added a brand new rug and a couple of bean bag chairs. All in all, it looked like a frat lounge had replaced my bedroom.

“Your stuff is in the closet there,” he said, pointing to a small box filled with the things I’d left. “I’m sure I’ll run into more of your things, but that’s all I got so far.”

“I didn’t come by to get my stuff.”

He looked up and glared at me. “You mean you’re ready to talk?”

“No,” I replied truthfully. “But we need to.”

Spencer began shaking his head. I could tell that my usually in control ex-roommate was about to get emotional. “Look, Cooper. I know I screwed up big time, okay? I get that. I don’t even see Kyle that way, to be honest. And when it happened the one time, I swear one time, I knew it was wrong from the get-go.”

“Okay.”

“Believe me, if I could take it back, I would. Things have been super awkward between me and Kyle since then. I don’t know… I just… I never should have done it.”

“You never should have done him,” I corrected with a smile. Spencer almost smiled at the joke. “I’m sorry I over reacted. Listen, the reason I was so pissed at you is because somewhere inside I always thought that Kyle and I would get back together.”

“Ya’ll will get back together,” Spencer said with conviction as he went back to stuffing his duffle bag with a change of clothes. It was like emotional Spencer had gone out the window and things were melting back to normal. I sat down on a bean bag chair and put my feet up on his bed.

“Mmm, I don’t think so.”

“You can’t honestly be that serious about Chase,” he said. He flipped his curly hair back and I felt jealous that I didn’t have my brown hair to run my fingers through.

“It’s definitely getting pretty serious with Chase,” I replied.

“I’ve heard that a million times from you, Cooper,” he said. He reached over into what was once my desk and pulled out a blue notebook. “Remember this.”

He tossed me the notebook and I knew immediately it was The List. I looked at it with reverence, almost like it was a sacred document or something. I flipped through the first few pages, remembering just how horned up I’d been nearly six months prior.

What was strange was that I felt grown up. I knew I was a different kind of guy than I was at the beginning of mine and Spencer’s social experiment. I didn’t need anyone to tell me so, I just felt it.

“Look at this thing,” I answered with a smile. “Not how I expected this to go.”

“I didn’t expect you to fall in love with the third specimen,” Spencer laughed. “My best friend, too. Come on, guy.”

“Shut up,” I replied. “Spence, I dunno. I don’t think I need this anymore. I mean things are going great with Chase and if they stay great, great. If they don’t, I don’t think bed hopping and collecting specimen is going to be my cure of choice anymore.”

“I can’t listen to these words come out of your mouth,” Spencer laughed. “From the guy who, let me see that. From the guy who brought home a bartender while he was trying to convince Kyle he was ready to go steady. From the guy who sucked off a property manager just to feel single again even though he didn’t want to. And let’s not forget you blowing a Jason Mraz wannabe in the name of charity.”

“He needed my help,” I laughed. I could see where Spencer wasn’t believing me, and I understood. But I knew things were different this time around. And if for some reason I screwed things up, I knew I could handle it. I’d handled the hardest break up of my life and I came out unscathed. Minus a black eye and a small contusion above my right ear.

“I dunno. I’m going all in with Chase, so we’ll see what happens. I’m ready to date someone and give them my undivided attention. I’m coming to ya’lls meet with him today,” I added. Spencer’s face lit up and I was glad I’d come over. It took just a little effort to forget the whole thing between him and Kyle ever happened.

When I left, I felt like things could actually return to normal. I had gotten over Kyle, and although I still didn’t feel the need to seek him out, I wouldn’t be awkward if I ran into him. I’d forgiven Spencer and I could foresee our friendship returning to normal. It would never be what it was simply because of proximity, but he was still my best friend here at SMU. You always miss a best friend.

I usually had brunch on Saturdays with Sebastian. This Saturday, however, he had invited me to Srat Brunch at Kappa. Every third Saturday of the month, the girls opened up their sorority houses for their brother frats to come over and eat. It was the campus’ way of promoting healthy gender relations through sober, platonic events.

I agreed to go only because Sebastian hated going by himself so much. I also thought it would be neat to see Devon for the first time in four days without looking like an ICU patient.

“Well look who it is,” she said as soon as she saw me. She stood and gave me a big hug. “It’s good to see you in something other than a backless gown.”

“How are you feeling sweetie?” Britney asked in her extremely fake and high pitched voice.

“I’m good,” I replied, looking at Devon the whole time. She was the antithesis to Britney and I wondered how they got along so well. Even there at lunch, Britney was wearing a blue Lilly Pulitzer sun dress even though the sun was nowhere to be found. Devon was dressed more sensible in jeans and a cashmere sweater.

“Your eye looks good,” Devon said, running her thumb under it. The small bump that remained hurt just a tad, but nothing compared to when she’d last seen it.

We walked through the buffet line and filled our plates with the offerings of fried food designed specifically to cure the hangovers from Friday’s partying. There was even a virgin Bloody Mary bar and mock mimosas in the corner (I’m sure if I’d asked, someone would slipped me some liquor for a casual hair o’ the dog). For a people that appeared to barely eat, the food on Sorority Row was surprisingly good.

An hour, ten chicken strips, and a plate of cheese fries later, I was surprised at how much fun I’d had. I looked at the door a couple of times, thinking that a socially astute Sigma might walk through the door at minute. Being members of the big four, it wouldn’t be unfeasible for them to be invited to Kappa for lunch. No one I recognized came in.

“Thank you for coming,” Devon said as she walked me out. Sebastian was kissing Britney goodbye and I was thankful Devon was there to keep things from being awkward.

“It was my pleasure,” I replied.

“Consider this a standing invitation for my favorite non-Greek. Every third Saturday,” she said with a smile. She looked admittedly cute standing on their front porch with me, shielding her face from the sun that had made its first appearance all day. I accepted, gave her a hug, and left towards Sebastian’s car. It was weird that Devon smelled so much like ‘girl’. It was different. I was so used to smelling the manly scents of guys that I’d almost forgotten how delicate and dainty girls smelled when you got up close. I liked it.

I told Chase about Devon an hour later on our way to Waco. He’d arranged with his coach to drive himself as long as he made it to Baylor by four. The coach didn’t object, probably because if Chase logged his slowest time of the season in the pre-lims that day, he would still finish a good three or four seconds before anyone else. He wasn’t only favored to win all of his events, he was expected to crush a couple pool records.

“I told coach that you were my good luck charm,” he explained before we set off. “It better be true.” It was the last meet before the conference tournament, so I hoped indeed that it was.

“So tell me more about this Devon girl that you have a crush on,” he said as we sailed down I-35 southbound.

“Don’t make fun of me,” I said.

“You’re in my car, gamin. I ask the questions.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I want to know what you like about her?” he asked. He looked at me as his Audi zoomed down the highway.

“I don’t like her,” I replied defensively.

“You totally like her,” he said. “You’re blushing.”

I felt my face flush. “She’s fun,” I said finally. “She’s a good friend.”

“I’m glad she doesn’t have a penis or else you’d leave me for her,” he joked. “Tell the truth. You’d leave me for those lovely lady lumps, wouldn’t you?”

“You’re ridiculous,” I laughed. As I did, Chase reached over, took my hand and brought it to his crotch.

“You know how to drive a stick, boy?” he asked in a cheesy Texan accent. I didn’t know how he expected me to take him seriously.

“What are you doing?” I choked fully aware that it was high noon and I had my hand on my boyfriend’s crotch.

“I’m asking if you’ve ever driven a stick,” he said. He squeezed down on my hand causing my hand to squeeze down on his gear shaft.

“What happened to no fooling around before a meet?”

“A hand job is hardly fooling around,” he replied. “Plus, you make me so very very horny. Swimming with a boner is so uncomfortable.”

Without waiting for my answer, Chase pulled down his zipper and fished out his semi hard pecker.

“Come on babe,” he said with a wicked smile. I blushed, took in a deep breath and clasped down on his dick.

“That’s what I’m talking about,” he exclaimed triumphantly. I had never done anything like this before, and the sheer heat from Chase’s cock caused mine to tremble as well. “Put a little fist into it.”

I pulsed down harder on his dick and it jumped in my grasp. I felt a trickle of precum slide down the side of my hand and I brought it to my lips and licked it off.

“How’s that taste for you?” he asked. Truthfully, it tasted almost medicinal. Like there was a chemical coursing through his reproductive tract. Lustfully, it tasted amazing.

“I’ll need a bigger sample,” I said with a grin. “Eyes on the road,” I added as I slid my seatbelt behind me and bent down, taking as much of his cock as this position would allow.

“Holy shit,” Chase said, swerving the car just a bit. I felt his dick lurch to the back of my throat and I swallowed involuntarily, causing a vibration to travel up his body. He swerved again.

“I said watch the road,” I repeated, coming up for a quick breath.

I don’t know what came over me, but blowing Chase in that car as he cruised down the street felt both natural and completely spontaneous. For some reason, the sheer danger of it all made me double my efforts and I sucked him off harder than I ever thought possible.

“Shit, babe, I’m about to cum,” he said. With one hand, he pushed my head further down on his cock. He steered with the other. It might have been safer for us to park the car for this little exercise, but roadhead was way more fun.

Less than a mile after his warning, I felt warm sticky liquid pump out of Chase’s dick directly into my mouth. I couldn’t swallow it all fast enough as small dribbles escaped the side of my mouth. When I was confident he was done coming, I released his still hard dick and licked around for any stray cum.

“That was fucking fantastic,” he said with a satisfied grin on his face.

“Now it’s your turn,” I joked, not expecting him to take me seriously. The next thing I knew, Chase was pulling over.

He parked the car on the service road, got out and ran to my door. A minute later, I was in the driver’s seat, careening down I-35 with my cock in Chase’s mouth.

He was totally right. The adrenaline made the orgasm so much hotter, and just as I pulled past the Waco city limit sign, I let my load go straight to the back of Chase’s throat.

We switched seats again so that he could navigate our way around Baylor. We didn’t have much time to spare and I had never been there.

“I think that might be illegal in these city limits,”

“It definitely is,” Chase laughed. “On a serious note,” he said as he slowed the car into a parking garage. I had no clue what he was about to ask. I didn’t think we had any reason to get serious. “I want to live with you next fall.”

He must have noticed the shock on my face. I hadn’t even considered my fall term living arrangements, but I had never expected them to include shacking up.

“Before you get all nervous on me,” he said. “The swimmers need to know if I’m resigning my Backstroke lease, because if not, they’re going to open it up to some freshmen. I need to make a decision here pretty soon, and I thought maybe you would be into living together.”

“Chase, are we ready for something like this? I mean, we’ve only been together a couple of months.”

“I can’t speak for you, Cooper, but I’m sure. This, right here, all of it. This is what I want. There’s no pressure, but I’m just thinking it could be a fun little adventure.”

I still didn’t respond. My smile was plastered on, but my mind was racing. What was the big deal in living with him? It’s not like I had a steadfast rule or anything. And we had spent every night for the past several weeks sleeping together. It would diminish the decision making process of whose room we’d crash in. We could consolidate toiletries and save on gas driving back and forth. On paper, it seemed like a good idea both physically and economically.

This was a step I hadn’t even considered with Kyle. Moving in seemed so official. So final. It was like crossing the commitment point of no return. Was I ready for that? I was on the precipice of an adult relationship, but surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid.

By the time we parked, I had asked myself a million and one questions and I kept going back to the first one.

‘Why not?’ It made perfect and total sense to just do it. Take a leap, I told myself. Chase will catch you.

I kept asking myself what would happen if we broke up. I’ll deal, I thought. But the back of my mind kept telling me that we weren’t going to break up. We were both all in. Being with Chase felt more real than anything leading up to it. The thing that scared me most about the whole thing was that I wasn’t all that scared about doing it at all. Was I unwittingly setting myself up for failure? Or was this the beginning of a long term relationship?

“Chase,” I said as he rounded a corner and parked his car in front of the Baylor aquatic complex. With the confidence to let him hear me, I repeated what I had said the night before. “I love you.”

He leaned over without a bit of hesitation and kissed me firmly on the lips.

“I love you too,” he replied. “Does that mean we’re getting a place?”

“We’re getting a place,” I said. “Now go, go race.”

The meet itself was way more interesting and fun than I anticipated. I sat up in the bleachers way above the pool, keeping my eye on my boyfriend who stood a few inches above the rest. When it came to the other supporters, I felt slightly out of place as one of a handful of students and the only one from SMU. Everyone else in the bleachers was a parent of someone swimming with a few Baylor students peppered throughout the bleachers.

I did get loud when Chase won his first heat, however. It was incredible watching him slide into the water so effortlessly. He glided back and forth, back and forth, gaining a lead with every turn. He was a pro among amateurs and everyone around knew it.

“You’re friends with the fast one?” a lady asked after I cheered for Chase after a sprint that he won effortlessly.

“Yeah,” I said cautiously.

“Tell him he’s amazing, and that he has a fan here at Baylor. He just whooped my kid’s butt!” she laughed. I smelled a hint of gin and tonic on her breath and was jealous I hadn’t thought to flask it for the afternoon.

By the end of the first night, Chase had qualified for the finals in 8 out of 8 events, including the butterfly which he subbed in for at the last minute. There was something about seeing him in the water that made him twice as sexy to me. He was in his element and he owned it.

His coach’s generosity extended as far as the ride down. For the rest, I was on my own. I thought about driving back to Dallas and then waking up early and coming back down to Waco, but Chase’s first race was at 8:00 a.m., meaning I’d have to leave at about to get a good seat 6:00.

The other option was to spend the night at home. From Waco, my parent’s house was only about 30 minutes away, which wasn’t bad. The idea of having to explain why I was showing up at 1 a.m. however, made that option the worst of the three.

I opted to use my emergency credit card to book a room in the same hotel as our team. I got a decent deal on a Queen size single. We parted with a long kiss in the lobby in front of several of his teammates, including Spencer.

“Get a room,” Spencer said, punching me in the back as he passed by.

“I already have one, jealous,” I replied.

When I checked into my room, the first thing I did was take a long, hot, hotel shower. Hotel toiletries were an obsession of mine; The Holiday Inn Express in Waco had a decent array. After what felt like an hour of steady smoking water, I toweled off and hopped into bed.

“Ow!” I heard when I crawled in, taking up as much bed space as I wanted. It had been forever since I had crawled into a bed alone.

The yelp startled me and I shot up, clicked on the light and pulled the cover. I took on a defensive stance, ready to kick the shit out of an intruder.

“You fucking kicked my shin!” Chase yelled. I couldn’t help but laugh at him, lying there in a pair of shorts, holding on to his leg like I had paralyzed him. I must have been a sight as well, standing there naked, ready to kick ass and take names.

“Um, you scared the living shit out of me,” I said, calming down and crawling back into bed. “What the fuck are you doing here? And how did you even get in?”

“I snuck out. And I charmed the front desk clerk into getting a key to my ‘brother’s’ room. She’s really cute; you might like her. ”

“You’re gonna get in so much trouble and your coach is gonna hate me. Oh my God, I’m going to be banned. They’re going to ban me from meets.”

“He won’t ban you. People sneak out all the time. It’s mostly to make out with Baylor girls; believe me, everyone does it.”

“So why are you here? No Baylor girls wanted to kiss your ugly mug tonight?” I jeered.

“Please, I could get any Baylor babe I want, Monsieur,” he said with a grin. He kissed me softly; not a leading kiss, but a passionate one. I knew sex was out of the question the night before a meet, so I didn’t even touch him suggestively. Instead, we kissed for a few minutes until we started to doze off.

“I think it was ballsy for you to show up here,” I said with a yawn. It was passed 2:00 a.m. and both of us were exhausted.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I could have had a hot stranger in here when you snuck in. What would you have done?”

“Kicked his ass,” Chase replied flatly. I could tell he was almost asleep. I closed my eyes and dropped it. “I hope you don’t plan on sleeping with anyone else ever again.”

The sentence was nonchalant, point blank. It wasn’t a threat or an ultimatum. It was just a fact. He wanted to be all there for me, everything I needed.

“I’d hate for you to start getting into fights on account of me,” I whispered. “Plus I could get really used to this.” Chase hugged me closer and we fell asleep.

I had every reason to be the proud boyfriend that I was the following day and I wasn’t shy about showing it. Spencer hadn’t qualified for any of the finals, so he got to sit up with me in the rafters, cheering Chase on.

His first race was a longer free swim with more laps than I could count. He came in well before the second place finisher and ended up with a pool record. It was sublime seeing the officials change the name on the record board right then and there to Pallendrino, C.

His next two races were a little bit shorter and were over before I could even tell. One was a simple there and back and he won that one handedly. The second was a 200 meter free and he just barely took first place, finishing right before a Longhorn.

The next race was the butterfly that he wasn’t even trained for. He got a bronze medal on that one, a loss in his books but I was still really proud.

“He’s incredible,” Spencer said after the butterfly upset.

“Yeah,” I said. My eyes were glued to him toweling off and walking stealthily to the warming pool on the other side. “I can see why you liked him so much.”

Spencer looked at me and smiled. “He’s all yours, buddy.”

After lunch, Chase had a long break where they did events he wasn’t a part of. He came up and watched the backstroke events with me, explaining different things that I never would have known.

“That guy has a terrible stroke,” he said as if we were discussing horses. “And his kick off is disgusting.”

Other guys had legs too short or arms too wide to swim effectively. By the end of his teaching lesson, I was sure he was the only person in the world built perfectly to swim.

It sure seemed like it when he reamed the competition in his final two events: both relays. The 4x400 was by far the most exciting thing I’d ever seen in my entire life. When the third swimmer touched the wall, alerting Chase that it was his turn, my boyfriend was a full body length behind the Baylor team. He was actually next to last. With only one lap and one turn to regain the lead, Chase swam faster than I’d ever seen a human swim. By the time he hit the first wall, he was just half a stroke behind the first place swimmer.

It was like Chase kicked it into overdrive after the turn. I almost felt bad for the Baylor team who had been cheering for the first three swimmers but realized with Chase at the helm that their lead was gone. He touched the wall a split second before anyone else. My boyfriend was a swimming savant, and it felt good.

“You know he’ll probably make the Olympic team,” Spencer said after everything was said and done. They’d played the Mustang song over the loud speaker signaling that we won the meet and people were filing out. I waited around with Spencer and the other guys who hadn’t qualified for our guys to come out of the locker room.

“You think?”

“He’s favored to win the division title, at least in the 100, 200 and 500 free. They’ll bring him on to the national team for the relay at least, if not to race individually,” Spencer said confidently. “I mean, he might have set an NCAA record here in the sprint. He’s incredible.”

It was weird hearing someone else tell me that Chase could quite possibly make the Olympics. When Chase said it, it sounded like a dream or a goal. When Spencer said it, it sounded like a fact.

“Hm,” was my only response. What did that mean for me? I did a quick calculation in my head. The Olympic games were the following year in London. That meant that Chase would have to qualify here pretty soon and train with the team. I didn’t even know where the team trained.

As I followed Spencer downstairs to meet up with the rest of our guys, I couldn’t help but wonder if moving in with Chase was the best idea. If he was going to jet off to the Olympics in the fall, was it worth taking the risk? What if he made it? Would it be a problem for our relationship? I hadn’t considered the possibility, but it was now staring me in the face.

Instead of staying in Waco that night where there was absolutely nothing to do, I hitched a ride with Chase back to campus.

“You’re quiet,” he said a few minutes into the trip. I was admittedly distant after the bomb Spencer had dropped.

“Sorry,” I replied flatly.

“Is something eating you up, Gilbert Grape?” he asked. I moved my head to look at him.

“What’s gonna happen if you go to the Olympics?”

“Where did that come from?”

“Spencer might have said something. And you talk about it so casually as if it’s a foregone conclusion,” I added quickly.

“It isn’t. There’s no such thing as a foregone conclusion when it comes to something like that,” he said, sounding irritated for the first time I’d ever heard. “And if it happens, it happens. Nothing changes between us.”

“I guess it just makes me nervous, that’s all,” I said. Chase didn’t say anything for about a mile. I looked at his hands and saw that they were clutching the steering wheel tightly.

“Why does it make you nervous?”

I took a deep breath. “I dunno, I just. If you go off to London or whatever. And before that, you’ll be training all the time. And then if you go and do well, you’ll be a huge celebrity. I just… I wonder where that’ll leave me, you know?”

“Okay, first of all, if I make the team, I can train from here. Believe it or not, they have pools in Dallas. Second, the Olympics, last I checked at least, were in the summer. Will you miss a little school cheering me on in London? Maybe. Will it be worth it? I think so. Finally, who do you know on the men’s team right now? Michael Phelps. Maybe Ian Thorpe. That’s it. The chances I become a celebrity and leave you behind are none in a million, babe.”

The words sounded perfect. I filed the speech under ‘right things to say’. I couldn’t deny that Chase had a way of easing my mind about things. But in the back of my mind, I still felt uneasy about it. I thought about the future for a few minutes, and it just seemed so inevitable. If this was Chase’s actual destiny, I foresaw us growing apart. I wondered if it was worth it, then. If I could already see us growing apart, was it worth taking the journey?

As we neared campus, I realized why it was nagging at me so irritatingly. What I was feeling was the exact same thing Kyle had felt when he felt me slipping away. I felt in my heart like I wanted no other option than Chase, and here he had the world at his fingertips.

I realized we wouldn’t have to deal with this for another year at least, but the question remained: is it worth it?

The answer to me was 100 percent yes. If all I had was 365 days with Chase Pallendrino, they’d be great days. That was the difference between me and Kyle and that was why we couldn’t work. I was there for the adventure. He was in it for the ending.

But being in his shoes made me understand where he had come from. I could feel what he had felt and it softened me towards him a little.

“Monsieur, you are a million miles away,” Chase said, snapping me out of my deep thoughts. “I asked if you wanted to do my place or yours.”

“Um, let’s do mine,” I said with a smile. “But I have a stop to make first.”

“You make your stop, I’ll pick up some food and wine and we’ll have a quiet night in,” he said. He pulled up to the quad a minute later and I ran for stop one of two.

When I walked into Spencer’s room, he had just gotten in from Waco and was unpacking his things.

“What are you doing here?”

“I want you to believe that I can do this,” I said firmly. He looked at me like I was a crazy person, so I elaborated. “I’m done with The List. This is it. Chase is the last entry I ever want to put in. So I’m done. And I want you to believe that I can do it.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you can do it,” Spencer said. “I think you can. I think when the right guy comes along, you have enough in you to love him forever.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Is Chase that guy?”

“Spence, this is going to sound crazy, but I think he is,” I said. “I know that I don’t know a lot about this stuff and it’s weird and stupid, but I’m not afraid to be with him. With Kyle it was all such an uphill battle. With Chase, it just feels right. Easy. When you know, you know, right?”

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said.

“I cannot possibly hurt more than I did a few months ago. I can do this,” I said, more to myself than to Spencer. He looked at me and smiled. He grabbed the blue notebook and threw it in the trash.

“It’s the end of The List, I guess,” he said. I gave Spencer a hug and knew that we’d be friends for a very long time. Seeking his opinion and approval felt too natural to dismiss. There are certain friends you never let go of no matter what and Spencer was clearly one of those.

My second stop wasn’t nearly as dramatic. I knocked on Kyle’s door and he opened it almost immediately.

“Coop,” he said, surprised. “What are you doing here?” It was pretty late for a social call on a Sunday, and Kyle was already in his pajamas.

“Um, do you maybe want to go to lunch tomorrow?” I asked. It was my easy way of extending the white flag. I didn’t want to be indifferent towards him anymore. Regardless of whether or not we could be in love again, I wanted Kyle in my life. He’d taught me too much to discard.

“Seriously?”

“As friends,” I added quickly. “I miss talking to you, Kyle.”

He softened his face and his posture for a rare moment of vulnerability and he flashed me a dazzling smile.

“Lunch tomorrow,” he said. “Sounds good.”

“I’ll call you then,” I said, desperately trying to ease the awkwardness.

“My number is still the same,” he smiled.

Things would never be the exact same for us, but the funny thing was, I knew they’d be good regardless. I felt good about my decision to reach out to him, and the fact that I could now understand his position when we broke up, even if I didn’t agree with it; it made me realize we were in it for the long haul.

“It’s about time you got back,” Chase said when I finally walked back to my bedroom. He was sitting on my bed thumbing threw some Chinese takeout with chopsticks. He looked cute not knowing how to work them at all.

“Let’s ditch the food,” I said seductively. I put the cartons of food on the floor and climbed on top of Chase. His larger than life grin told me he was okay skipping a meal or two if I was to be his meal replacement bar.

“I love you, Mr. Pallendrino,” I said kissing him deeply and grinding my rock hard pecker into his. He looked me square in the eye, holding the most intimate gaze I’d ever felt. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of saying that.”

“I love you too, Monsieur,” he smiled. We spent the next two and a half hours making love.