From Where I Stand - 12. Chapter 12

 

“Chris.” I thought I had heard it. “Chris, wake up.” There it was again. “Come on, Chris please wake up.” Similar lines seemed to slowly seep into my mind as I was slowly...and painfully...rocked out of my sleep by the repetitive voice.

“Hmm?” Putting together a sentence was out of the question for me.

“Chris, come on, wake up, we have to talk.”

“Hmm...what’s going on...what the...OWW!!” I was greeted as my eyes opened with a sharp, sudden wave of pain in my head...like someone had shoved a spike into my brain. My eyes snapped shut and I slowly started to sit up whilst grabbing my throbbing head.

“Hey, you ok there?”

I think at that point I wasn’t even sure who I was talking to...I was more focused on the excruciating pain. I had migraines every so often and it felt like I had one. “Gah...my head is killing me.”

“You probably have a hangover...here, be right back.” My eyes were still snapped shut and my brain wasn’t processing much sensory information. “Here, come on, take these.”

I very carefully peeked out of my eyes...there was a small burst of discomfort, but it went away. I saw a hand in front of me holding two Excedrin caplets and a cup of what appeared to be water. Squinting as I was, I wasn’t really in the condition to correctly identify much, especially without my glasses. Luckily, I was well acquainted with Excedrin from past headaches, so the pills looked familiar enough. I reached out and took the pills and washed them down...yep it was water.

“Mm...thanks.” I rubbed my temples in what was largely a vain effort to alleviate the pain.

“Um...Chris, do you know what’s going on?”

I strained to see who I was talking to...my voice recognition was still shoddy...I could have sworn I was hearing a low background ringing in my ears. I started to reach around me for my glasses and my hand eventually found them...in someone else’s hand. I put them on and it became clear who I was talking to...it was Ryan.

“Ry?”

“Yeah...um, do you feel ok?” He seemed a bit on edge and decently more alert than me.

“Uh...just this headache...god.” I shook my head a little...oddly it seemed to help. All of my mental mechanisms started to kick back into working, or at least semi-working, order. It probably took several seconds, but eventually my mind started flooding with images and other memories...then it all hit me at once. “Oh god...Ry? Did we...”

I heard him sigh deeply. “Yeah...we did. Um, do you remember everything?”

I struggled with the jumble of thoughts in my head for a moment. “I just...I remember lying in bed. I think you carried me or something...I remember you getting in bed with me. Then...god, Ryan what did we do...”

It was rhetorical. “Chris...I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking...I just...god, I don’t know.”

The gravity of the events started to hit me...I felt like shit...sick to my stomach. However, I didn’t feel one thing...I felt no malice toward Ryan, at all. “Ry...I...it wasn’t your fault.”

“Chris, yes it was...I...I did it...everything. God, Chris I...” He started choking on his words...he may have been crying slightly. I went over what I remembered in my head...I didn’t think he had forced anything. I mean, at least I didn’t feel like it was forced. It felt like...like I wanted it.

“Ryan, you didn’t force me, ok? I...god...it was...”

“Chris, that wasn’t consensual...god, what have I done...I was supposed to take care of you. Jeez, I’m so messed up.”

“Hey, I remember ok? I remember how I felt...it was...god Ryan, I wanted it.” The thought was sickening...and at the same time, something about it felt right. Despite that, the sick feeling was starting to win out. I started to haunch over while holding my stomach...I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Hey, Chris...” I felt him touch my back, as if to rub it to make me feel better...but he pulled back almost as soon as he had made contact.

“Ry, it’s ok...you don’t have to freak out over touching me, ok?”

“Chris...I can’t believe you’re not angry...are you?”

“No, I’m not...I’m just...god, I feel pretty messed up.” Then a gear seemed to lock in place in my thoughts...Jase. “Oh god...Jase...what have...” I felt a cold shudder move throughout my entire body...my vision started blurring as my eyes filled with tears.

“Hey, hey...” He made contact again with my back...that time he didn’t jump back. “It’s gonna be ok...Chris, you didn’t do anything ok? I did this...you did not cheat on Jase. I...I did this to you.” His voice had gotten much quieter over the course. I heard him whisper, as if to himself, “God, I did this to him...”

I felt the sudden urge to jump up and go find Jase...I had to tell him. I didn’t know what to tell him, but I had to find him. Ryan held me back when I jerked. “Ryan, let me go...I have to find him.”

“Chris, don’t go running off right now...you need to think this through.”

“Think what through? God, Jase is gonna hate me...what have I done?”

“Chris, I’ll...I’ll tell him...if...god, Chris, this was my mistake ok? Please...don’t mess up what you have with Jase...don’t do that because of me.”

“Ry, it’s already messed up. I didn’t try to stop you...I didn’t even say ‘no’ and I could have...jeez I feel...” My skin started to crawl...I felt dirty, all over.

“Please...just calm down first and think about this...so you don’t do anything...anything you might regret.” He sounded so solemn saying those last few words, like he didn’t feel like he had the right to say them. “Chris, I think...I think that the best thing would be do just let me take the fall for this...I don’t want to lose you as my friend, but I think I’ve done enough to fuck that up. I don’t want you to lose Jase...please don’t lose him because of me. I violated your trust...his trust...you were so out of it...please don’t take responsibility for this. I don’t have any right to ask you for anything, but please...I’m asking you not to do this.” I was looking right in his eyes...I saw no deceit...no insincerity...he just looked...he looked sorry. After he finished speaking, he couldn’t keep eye contact with me. His head fell down, almost shamefully, as he quietly wept.

“Ry...I can’t blame this on you. I...god...I still trust you Ryan. Last night...god we were both fucked up...but enough of me was ok with what happened that...I can’t just blame this all on you. It was me too.” I heard voices screaming in my head. Some were saying to just blame it all on Ryan...”Jase is the important one, who cares about this fucker that took advantage of you?” Then other voices were saying, “Ryan just made a mistake. So did you. Jase will understand. He’s not going to go assume things. He loves you.” He loved me...I loved him too...and look what I let happen. What kind of love was that? How could I even face him after what I did?

“Chris, please...”

“No...I’m going to tell him...the truth. He has the right to...to make his own conclusions. He deserves that much...I don’t have any right to hide anything from him. God...I love him and he...he loves me. I can’t lie to him.”

“Chris...I’m so sorry.”

It wasn’t really what I wanted to hear...I realized that he regretted it...I guess a part of me was hoping he didn’t. “Ryan, just tell me why.”

“I...it just...it just felt...right, I guess. I wasn’t thinking about anything...I was trying to make you feel comfortable...then...when I was holding you, it all just...it felt right and I...I got lost in the feeling. It was just so good and I didn’t want to let go of that.”

“Ryan...are you...are you gay?”

He looked so confused and lost. “I don’t know...last night...it felt natural and...I felt like I wanted you to feel what I was feeling. That’s...that’s why I think I...why I did more that just...satisfy myself.” It dawned on me...he didn’t have to do anything to me. He could have just relieved himself and otherwise not lay a hand on me...that’s what an indifferent straight guy would have done, given the proper fucked up circumstances. Ryan didn’t do that...he...he made me feel good.

“Ryan...do you...do you feel anything? For me?” I really wanted to know...because I knew I felt something for him.

“Chris, I...I really don’t know. I know I care about you...and that I feel good when I’m around you. I just don’t know what some of this means...it doesn’t feel like how I’ve felt with, well like girls I’ve been with...and I still like girls, I know that much. I just...it didn’t feel weird with you. Nothing really feels weird when I’m around you.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I knew I liked Ryan, but there was more to it than that. We had...a natural comfort with each other. It was the kind of comfort I had with Justin and Jase...but it had always been there, since the first moment we had met. I may have felt nervous when I met him, but it didn’t stop me from talking to him, like it would have with anyone else. It was like we connected.

“Ry...I...I have...I have some feelings for you. You need to know that. That’s why I didn’t stop you...it felt right to me too. I’ve always felt like that around you too. God...I just didn’t think this would ever happen.”

“I’m sorry....I’m so sorry. Chris, I think...if you’re gonna make things right with Jase...we can’t be friends anymore. That might be the only way that Jase won’t flip out completely.”

“Ry...”

“I’m serious...I can’t let this fuck up both of you. If I’m out of the picture...I think it’ll make it easier for you two.”

“Hey...Ryan.” I instinctively grabbed his hand and held on tight. He returned the squeeze, as if it was instinct for him too. “I said I still trust you...I still feel comfortable around you. Jase...Jase will make his own decisions about all of this. Whether I lose him or not...that’s up to him, not us.”

****

We both showered and got dressed. Ryan let me borrow some of his clothes since mine were a bit dingy from the previous night and day. Everything fit strangely well considering he was a bit taller than me...but I guess we had similar builds. We were both about set to get out of his room when 9:30 rolled around. We largely didn’t speak to one another. As we headed towards the door however, it knocked. Ryan went over to open the door and a second later, CJ and Jase walked in. I pretty much froze in place.

“Hey guys,” Ryan said to them as they all walked toward me. “Are you doing ok?” He was visibly nervous.

Jase looked pretty tired. “Gah...I had the worst hangover a little while ago...thank god for Excedrin.” I guess CJ was similarly prepared for such things.

CJ laughingly filled us in, “Yeah, Jase here was totally gone last night...he just sorta flopped over on my couch after he made his sacrifice to the porcelain god. I didn’t even get the chance to try and fool around with him. Haha.”

The room grew a little quiet after that...Jase and CJ were looking at Ryan and me intently. We were both very sullen.

“Um...guys, you ok?” Jase asked, looking very concerned. It was breaking my heart.

I turned to Ryan for a moment. “Um Ry, do you think...”

Before I could finish, he grabbed CJ and started out the door. “I’ll be outside ok? Come on CJ, we need to give them a minute.” Ryan was very deliberately avoiding eye contact with Jase...he looked terrified. Of course there were a few good reasons. He and Jase had gotten along very well and that was probably about to change...also Jase could probably kill him with one hand if he wanted to...yeah Jase was imposing when he wanted to be.

“Was it something I said?” CJ asked in a confused state as Ryan rushed him out.

The door shut behind Ryan and CJ. Jase turned to me looking even more concerned than before. “Babe, what’s going on?” I sat down on the futon behind me and Jase followed suit. “Chris...come on just tell me.” He reached out and took my hand in his.

I felt so dirty and worthless. I didn’t even know how to start. “Jase...um...god, I can’t...” Tears that had washed away earlier started to reappear.

“Chris what’s wrong? Come on, it’s ok...just tell me what’s going on.” He was rubbing my back trying to calm me down.

“Jase...something...something happened last night.” I barely squeaked the words out. I felt like I was choking.

Jase’s expression turned from concerned to confused. “Happened? What do you mean? What happened?”

“Something happened with me...and Ryan. I’m sorry...” I broke my hand away and got up. I walked a few feet away...I couldn’t even face him.

Nothing happened for a little while...it felt like it was probably a few minutes. I could hear Jase breathing very deeply and rhythmically...like he was trying to collect himself. Then, as I heard one last exhalation from behind me, I felt his arms come in around me. “Chris...please just tell me what happened...I won’t get angry, I promise. Just tell me.” His voice was very calm...too calm. I think I would have been more comfortable if he were angry. The thoughts about what had happened the night before started swirling around in my head. My mind was racing and my whole body started to shake. I felt Jase’s embrace tighten, as if to steady me. “Sshh...babe calm down, please...I won’t get mad...please talk to me.”

“I really fucked things up.” Not the best starter in the world, but it was foremost in my mind. “Jase...I...I didn’t mean for it to happen...it just happened. We were both so drunk and gone...it all just happened.” I couldn’t get a coherent thought out of my mouth.

“Chris...what happened? Did,” he paused to take a breath, “did you two...did you sleep with him?” He was still behind me and was whispering in my ear...he didn’t sound angry...just sad.

I couldn’t think of a single, remotely elegant way to tell him what had happened...everything seemed so dirty and vulgar...I didn’t want to say it to him. “We...um...we were...god...”

“Chris, just tell me what happened, one thing at a time ok? Just start from the beginning. No matter what, I won’t get mad, ok?” He seemed to be drilling that point home...I was glad for it though. It gave me a little hope that he wouldn’t drop me there and then after he heard what happened.

“Um...I...when you left...I was still really drunk and just...tired. Ryan, um, he kinda carried me and put me in bed. I was so tired...I could barely move. Then he...um...he got in bed with me.” I felt so ashamed...and I hadn’t even hit the bad part yet.

“Hey...babe...did...did he...” he choked out. It sounded like he was crying a little himself.

“Jase...” I turned around to see him...he looked like a combination of enraged and crushed. His fists were balled up and he quickly turned his head so he wouldn’t show how angry he was. “He didn’t...he didn’t force anything.”

It occurred to me that saying that probably didn’t help...but Jase, oddly enough, seemed to calm down after hearing it. “So...he didn’t...did you two...”

“It just sorta happened...he was holding me in bed...and he started to...god...he started to grind into me a little. Then...he started touching me all over...and then he started...he started to jack me off.” I was sobbing as quietly as I could, but it was hard to fully contain. I felt so dirty...I began scratching at my arms. My skin was crawling.

Jase looked back toward me...he reached out and grabbed my hands so I would stop scratching at myself. “Chris...did you...did anything else happen?”

“Um...we...he just kept going...and...and we both came. We both just fell asleep I think.” I could barely stand looking at Jase...I was just waiting for him to explode or something.

Jase slowly let go of my hands. He backed away from me slowly and just stood there with his head slightly down...I couldn’t see his face. He just stood there, breathing heavily for a few minutes. I didn’t know what to do...I just stood there, waiting. After a while, his breathing leveled off some and his head slowly rose...his face wasn’t angry...it was just sad. He had tears in his eyes.

“Chris...I...I need...please don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back...just...just stay.” With that he turned around and ran out the door. I ran after him and stopped at the doorway. It was then that I saw him...he was facing Ryan.

Ryan looked scared and very remorseful. His mouth was slightly ajar as he glanced at me and then stared at Jase. His slowly croaked out a few words. “Jase...I...I’m sor...”

His apology wasn’t meant to see the light of day just then. Jase had been standing there, but his fists suddenly curled up and in under a second, he swung and connected his knuckles with Ryan’s jaw. I stood there, shocked as Ryan flew a couple feet and landed on the ground down the hallway. CJ was standing there looking at Jase like he was crazy, but he didn’t move a muscle. Jase was easily the most physically imposing one of all of us, so I couldn’t blame him for being terrified.

Ryan started to stir from his position on the floor...he sat up slowly while rubbing his jaw. His lip was bleeding slightly, but otherwise it looked like he was alright. I was glad, but I kept any signs of it internal. I was scared myself...the last scene of violence that I had witnessed like that had been when my father had hit me...when I had a front row seat.

Jase just stood there...his gaze was in Ryan’s direction, but his back was to me so I couldn’t see his face. He kept his place for what seemed like a few more minutes, but time wasn’t especially making sense to me. Then, I saw him start to move. His head rose slightly as it had been facing down toward Ryan...he took a single step towards Ryan, which was enough to make him flinch, but then Jase stopped. He took a step backward and then started to turn...toward me. His face started to come into full view from my position at Ryan’s door. I focused in intently to see his expression.

His eyes were still filled with tears, some streaking down his cheeks...but there was no anger in his eyes. He didn’t look sad either...he looked shocked...and scared. His gaze then dropped down...it took me a moment, but I realized he was looking at his hands, which were still balled up into fists. After staring down for a little while, his gaze lifted once more to meet my eyes.

“Chris...I...I’m sorry.”

I was absolutely floored...why the hell was he apologizing? To me of all people. “Jase...why are you...”

He stopped me mid-sentence by rushing over and grabbing hold of me...I immediately tensed up, but I slowly eased out of the tension. I realized that he wasn’t attacking me...he was holding onto me. He had buried his face into my shirt and I could feel and hear him sobbing as he clung on to me.

After a few moments, his face came out of my shirt a little and he started to speak. “Chris, god...I’m so sorry...I didn’t mean to...I didn’t mean to.”

I was so confused...and saddened to see Jase like that. My own tears were flowing, but I was doing my best to keep from actively sobbing. “Jase...do what...what’s wrong?”

“I didn’t...I didn’t mean to...not in front of you.”

It dawned on me...he didn’t mean to hit Ryan...in front of me. It all started to make sense. He knew what I had gone through as far as violence went...he had been through the same thing. He was sorry because he didn’t want me to go through any of that again, whether I was a target or just witnessing it.

“Jase...Jase, it’s ok...I’m ok. Please, please stop...Jase...”

He looked into my eyes. “Chris...I’m not angry at you...I...I know you didn’t...it was just a mistake, right? God, Chris please tell me it was just a mistake. I don’t care what happened...I don’t care how you feel about him. Please...just tell me you didn’t mean to do this...please tell me you still love me.”

It hit me then...Jase was scared. He had always been the stronger one in our relationship...the one who would end up being the more emotionally supportive one. He had justified that he had more time to heal over his past experiences than I had, so it only made sense for him to be there for me more often. He always wanted to be strong and stable...and it finally occurred to me that he wanted to be strong for me. And then, he was scared that he had risked his own emotional security and...his love. He was afraid that he was losing me...just like I was afraid that I was going to lose him.

“Jase...please...I love you. I didn’t mean to do this...it just...god I’m so sorry Jase. Please believe me....I love you so much.” I had wrapped my arms around him and was clinging onto him as tightly as he was to me. I felt like if I loosened my hold, even for a moment, he would slip away and I would lose him.

We seemed to just stand there forever...I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to face what was going to happen next...I was wrapped up in Jase and I didn’t want to ever leave. Despite my hopes, reality had a nasty knack of getting involved. Jase and I were locked together for a long while, which was a nice comforting feeling amidst all the chaos...but it had to end. Jase slowly started to pull away from me after we had both seemed to calm down. Our tears had mostly dried and Jase seemed to have some of his composure back. Inside I was still a wreck...but I did feel a little better since Jase hadn’t flat out ended it with me. I knew I didn’t deserve to have him in my life...not after all of that...but I couldn’t walk away from his forgiveness.

Jase’s face rose to meet mine...his gaze was piercing, like he was looking for something in my eyes. His blue eyes were hypnotizing...I just kept staring into them. They never faltered in their gaze until one moment, when Jase seemed to have found what he was looking for...his eyes blinked and a small smile crept onto his face.

“I love you...Chris, I know this was a mistake. It’ll be ok...we’ll make this all ok.” My body had felt like concrete...like stone had seeped into every corner of my being. When he said that, some of the weight and stiffness disappeared...not all of it, but enough to definitely make me feel better.

“Jase...I’m so sorry...I’m so...”

“Chris, please stop...I don’t want to hear that anymore. I know. We’ll get through this, ok? I’m not losing you...not over this. I won’t walk away.”

We had been speaking in low whispers...we wanted it to be just between us. Jase placed an arm around my waist and came toward my side. His gaze came to my face for another moment, before he shifted his eyes toward Ryan...the caring, understanding look of his eyes were replaced with a sad and slightly bitter one as he locked eyes with Ryan. He met the gaze full on...Ryan still looked a little scared, but more relieved than before. I guess he assumed that things were at least going to be ok between me and Jase.

Jase spoke first. “Ryan...tell me...tell me you didn’t do this on purpose either.”

“Jase, I didn’t...it just happened. I would never try to hurt either of you...you both mean too much to me. I’m so sorry that this happened....” His eyes fell down...his voice had started to falter slightly and it looked like he couldn’t keep looking at Jase...or me.

Jase sighed...it sounded like relief. “Ryan...Ry...I’m...I’m not angry ok?”

That got Ryan’s attention...his eyes shot up...they were wet with tears that had yet to spill out. “What?”

“Ry...I’m sorry, I just...when I thought about what Chris told me and I saw you...I just...I just lost it a bit. I know...I know you wouldn’t ever hurt Chris deliberately...or me. We’re all friends...good friends. Only bad ones don’t forgive.”

The fright that had lingered on Ryan’s face and in his demeanor slipped away...he just looked more surprised than anything. “Jase...Chris...I’m sorry. I don’t deserve for either of you to forgive me...I just want you two to be ok.”

“Well,” Ryan began, “too bad...I know Chris is blaming this more on himself already...and I...I do hold some responsibility to you...but no one got hurt. At least, nothing serious...I’m glad this happened with you and not some stranger. I know you wouldn’t hurt Chris.” Jase’s arm around me tightened...he was always protective...he was expressing that to everyone. “Ry, I don’t want to lose you as a friend, ok? I know Chris doesn’t either...but for me...it’s gonna take some time. Not forever, but I need a while. I don’t trust you like I used to...it’s not all lost, but it’s not what it used to be, ok?.”

“Jase...I’ll do everything I can to earn it back...if I can. I promise.” They both looked like they were at least on civil terms then.

“Ok...oh...um...I’m sorry I hit you.”

“Heh...it’s ok...I deserved that much at least,” Ryan said, rubbing his chin a little...it was bruised, but it didn’t look too bad.

“Um, Chris?”

“Yeah Jase?”

“I think we should go, ok?”

“Um...yeah ok.”

We left silently. I gave a last glance to Ryan as we left...I was glad everything seemed to turn out ok...but I was still worried.

****

When Jase and I got home, we walked over to my house. There were still a few hours before the review session was going to start and I felt like Jase wanted to talk some more...just in private. We didn’t talk much on the way down...we were holding hands and sitting close most of the time. The silence wasn’t so much uncomfortable as it was...anxious. Jase would keep looking over at me from time to time, smiling...whenever the car was empty, he’d kiss me and nuzzle into my neck. He may have sensed my apprehension or something and was trying to let me know everything was ok. I tried not to show too many outward signs, but I still felt pretty bad about everything.

Jase held my hand and led me up into my room after we got into my house. He was gentle, but still a bit insistent. When we got in there, he sat me down on my bed and sat down himself, facing me.

“Chris, please stop worrying.”

“Jase...I can’t...you’re taking this all way too well.”

He chuckled a little...a good sign, but it didn’t help much. “Heh, Chris...this sucked, ok? But we’re ok...I promise. I may need some time to get things back on track with Ryan and all...but this is you...and me. I don’t need any more time for this. I just want us back to where we were yesterday before all this happened. I know we can’t erase it and I don’t want to forget it either.” That made me cringe a little. “But I want to move on from it. I told you, I’m not gonna lose you over this.”

“Jase...I’m not being like this because I’m not happy that everything’s ok...I am...it’s just that...I don’t know how I can make up for this...ever.”

“You don’t have to make up for anything...it was just a mistake.”

“There’s just too much to this...”

“Chris, if you’re talking about having feelings for Ryan...I know, ok? It’s alright. I never assumed that you’d only have eyes for me. That’s a stupid fantasy people have when they’re not in touch with reality...as long as you choose to be with me...that’s all that matters.”

“Of course I choose to be with you.” That much was a given. “I guess I feel like I’m this fuckup that just gets off the hook way too easily...I guess...I guess I just feel weak.”

“Chris come on...it’s ok to feel bad about this...I mean I’m glad you feel at least a little bad about it, but it’s not the worst thing in the world. You’re not a weak person, you just made a mistake.”

I closed my eyes and tried to process that thought...I had trouble believing anyone who said I was better than I thought I was...especially those close to me. “Jase...I’ll try, ok? I just don’t have the same confidence in myself that you seem to have in me...”

“I know...and part of me loves you for that...I kinda fell in love with that modesty and humbleness. But, you do need a bit more self-esteem,” he said smiling. “But we’ll work on that.” He developed a devilish grin on his face as he leaned in toward me.

“Um, Jase...what’s going on?” I was very dense back then.

“Well, since we have some time on our hands,” he began as he sat down next to me. “And since everything else I’m trying doesn’t seem to make you feel better, I thought maybe I’d give this a shot.” A moment later his lips were on mine, his tongue pushing into my mouth with some zeal. I was a bit surprised, but any hesitation I had faded away as quickly as it came. Jase put his hands on my hips and directed me backward further onto the bed.

“Uh, Jase...you feeling ok?” I was very much in a happy place, but I wanted to make sure.

“I’m great,” he said as he pushed me down gently and continued, “I thought maybe I should try a different tactic to convince you that we’re ok.” He was grinning widely with a slight hint of evil in his eyes.

“Jase...what...”

I guess there were too many questions coming out of my mouth...so Jase covered it again with his. It all felt pretty familiar...the intense kissing, the contact...but then something else happened...something a little unexpected. I was very much into the make out session, but I perceived Jase’s hand moving down and undoing my belt.

“Jase...” I tried to squeeze out a bit of an inquisitive tone, but it came out more like I was begging for more. Part of my mind kept trying to push worry and guilt back into my direct line of thought, but it was getting pretty preoccupied with Jase.

Jase didn’t respond...his hand just kept at what it was doing. Within seconds, my belt and jeans were undone and Jase slid has hand into the newly opened territory. Between bursts of stimuli, my brain figured out that Jase was serious...we were gonna take a step further than we had before. I felt a little scared about it all, but I was more overwhelmed with excitement over what I thought was coming...and then all rational thought ceased as Jase made contact with little Chris...who was getting less little by the second. Jase broke off the kiss we were embroiled in and looked down from on top of me.

“Hey, are you ok?”

I smiled at his concern...it was ever present and very reassuring...but at that moment I wanted him to just keep going. “Jase, I’m fine...better than fine...but are you sure...”

“Chris, I want us to do this...I just want us right now. Besides, I think I need to convince you of the full effect you have on me.” He reached down and grabbed the bottom of my shirt. After several seconds of hasted activity, we were both very much naked and back to kissing wildly. Jase broke off for a moment and I instinctively pulled my head up to go after him, but it had moved down out of reach.

“Jase wha....OH GOD!” I yelled out as I felt it...his lips had connected with my body on one of my nipples. I felt his tongue reach out and swirl around.

He paused for a second to chuckle. “Hehe...well I guess that does drive you nuts.” I looked down at him with shock. “I was hoping it would.”

“God...Jase that...” I didn’t get to finish...I guess it was cut off Chris day. I wasn’t complaining though...Jase had gone back to his position over my chest. I couldn’t assemble a coherent thought if I had even wanted to...all I could see behind my tightly shut eyes were swirling colors as my body shivered with pulses of ecstasy.

Eventually the sensation abated...I thought Jase would give it a rest for a minute, but instead he had simply moved on...and down. I was just catching my breath when something new reached my brain. I gasped as I felt Jase’s wet mouth close in around my cock...waves of pleasure came over me as his head began to rock up and down on me.

“Jase...holy...shit...” I was lucky I could even utter a two syllable word. I got no response from Jase...at least no verbal response. Instead, the rocking’s pace increased and I felt Jase’s hands start to wander all over my torso. I couldn’t move at all...I didn’t want to move, but I was literally paralyzed because of the massive sensory overload Jase was creating in me. I had never felt anything like it...no matter what he did, no matter how he moved...everything felt amazing. I was practically hyperventilating...my pants intermixed with moans of joy as Jase continued on. A part of me wanted him to slow it down...it was almost like my brain couldn’t keep up with the sensations in real time. Everything seemed to be delayed. Whenever I could manage to keep my eyes open long enough to look, I could see Jase moving on me, but the touch wouldn’t register immediately in my head...it seemed to take a couple seconds. I could only guess that there was a backlog of information in my body...Jase was working it.

Within minutes, my entire body felt like it was on fire...in a good way. Muscles seemed to be coming to life without any direction. My arms flayed out and grabbed onto part of the bed frame above my head. The cool sensation of the frame was a bit of a relief and my hands desperately clung on as my body bucked with every move of Jase’s head. For a while, I couldn’t even perceive my own cock in his mouth anymore...it was all a warm, throbbing haze in my mind. I felt heat rising up from my lower body and it was reaching further and further...my neck started to feel the rising heat and I suddenly started to get shivers and quakes. As the heat rose onto my face...I could feel it.

“Jase...oh god...Jase, I’m...I’m gonna....AAHHH!!!” Every nerve I had felt like it fired....all in an instant. My back lifted clean off the bed as it arched...my whole body stiffened as I felt the explosion of bliss everywhere. As the feeling began to subside, my muscles, one by one, began to relax again and I collapsed onto the bed. I was muttering incoherently as my mind was trying to catch up to real time.

I almost didn’t feel it when Jase lay down half on top of me and planted a brief kiss on my lips. “Hey babe, you doing ok there?”

My tired eyes opened and revealed a grinning, wide-eyed Jase staring at me. “Heh...Jase...god...that was...I think I don’t speak English anymore.”

“Well I hold you never really did to start with,” he joked.

Then out of nowhere, I seemed to feel a slight resurgence of energy in me. My eyes opened fully and I could feel all of my appendages...the slight fatigue faded away. Then, my mind started grinding and things popped into my head...like headaches with pictures...oh right, those were ideas. One seemed to stand out among the crowd and I decided to single it out and run with it.

Jase was still over me, grinning away. I slowly moved my arms down from above me and as quickly as I could, I planted them on Jase’s chest and pushed him over. Within seconds, I was on top of a slightly shocked, but thoroughly amused and naked Jase...who definitely looked like he was happy to see me.

“Jase...that was incredible.” I leaned down and kissed him hard on the lips. I wandered around his mouth for a little as small gasps escaped Jase’s lips.

“Mmm...ahh....mmmm....Chris...” I wasn’t ready to let up though...as I continued kissing him, my hands made there way down onto his chest. I started to rub his pecs until I found the two little buttons on them. Then I lay my fingers on each nipple and gave them a gentle, but firm squeeze. “AAHH....Chris....jeez...” He pulled back instantly from our kiss and his eyes glazed over...bingo.

“Hehe, looks like this works pretty well on you too hmm?”

“Ahhh...god....Chris...don’t stop...that feels soo good.” I decided that if it felt that good with just my fingers, that I should give something else a shot. Jase had closed his eyes as he took in the feeling I was giving him, so he didn’t see as I leaned down towards his chest. I switched one of my hands with my lips and started to French kiss his nipple...and boy that got a response. Jase’s body bucked and a loud moan escaped his lips. “Oooohhhhh...Chris...jeez...ahhhh.”

As I kept my mouth concentrated above, I had one hand on the subject’s counterpart...and the other hand started to dive down further. I slowly tiptoed my fingers down the length of Jase’s tight torso until I hit the gold spot...which was nice and vertical in relation to the flat contours of the rest of him. As I found little Jase...and I use the term “little” loosely...I took a brief respite from my oral activity and gazed downward...god Jase was beautiful. Not a single feature seemed out of place or out of proportion...his chest stood out nicely from the rest of his upper body, with a clearly defined ridge running down the center and splitting off to cut out the toned contours of his pecs. Clear ripples were present in his stomach as his whole body heaved as he breathed heavily. Enjoying the breathtaking view, I let my fingers snake around Jase’s cock...I gently massaged him and returned my mouth to its previous post.

“Oh god...Chris...yeah...” I slowly started a rhythm as I grasped Jase and continued the upper stimulation. His body started to rock along to my own movements with a small moan escaping at every beat. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead and in the middle of his chest...I guess he was feeling a tad hot. I removed my lips from his chest and started my descent on the main target. “Chris...you don’t have t...” I wasn’t especially listening...I reached my destination and took him in. “OH GOD! Chris...ooohh man....” Using his previous motions on me as a guide, I rocked my head and kept my tongue in constant motion as I worked him over. It was a bit of a strange feeling having Jase in my mouth like that...but it didn’t feel bad...just a little cramped.

I let my hands roam over the rest of Jase’s body with an occasional lingering pit stop in the more sensual areas. He practically jumped off the futon when I was sucking and put a hand around his sac and started to massage it. His body started to heave as I continued gently kneading his balls in my fingers.

“Ahhh...Chris...shit...babe, I’m...god...I’m...” I felt him try to pull out of my mouth a little, but I grabbed his ass to steady my position...I was going to give him the same treatment he gave me. “Shit...Chris...GAHH!!”

I felt his body tense up and his cock literally rammed itself into my throat...I suppressed gagging as best as I could as I started to feel his cum spurt into my mouth. A little squeezed out of my mouth between my lips and his cock, but the rest I endeavored to swallow...Jase had a very interesting taste to him...it was almost sweet. When Jase’s body finally relaxed, I took my now very sore mouth off of him and planted my own tired body next to him.

“Chris...babe....that was awesome.” His eyes were closed and he looked like he was expending the smallest amount of effort possible to talk.

“Glad you liked it.”

“Hey Chris?”

“Yup?”

“I love you...I love you so much.”

I felt warm inside as I heard it...especially the second time. “I love you too.”

I moved over a little and cuddled up to Jase. We just lay there in the blissful afterglow for a while...I was so happy that we were still together. We seemed to regain some energy probably 10 minutes later. As I started to shuffle a little, I heard Jase whisper to me.

“Hey babe?”

“Yeah Jase?”

“Um...this sounds kinda weird but...I think we just had make up sex.” He giggled and clenched his eyes shut in amusement.

“What the...oh god we did.” The realization hit me a bit hard...wow, make up sex was awesome.

“Not only that, that was our first really heavy thing too...wow.”

“Heh, yeah I guess....”

“Haha. I’ve been holding back a little on my urges to just jump you. I think I’ll just let the urges fly loose now.”

“Hehe, I’m looking forward to it.”

Jase hadn’t had a shower that morning, so he took the opportunity to get the smell of sex and alcohol off of him while I got my things together. I was putting a bunch of review sheets in a folder when I heard the bathroom door click open...my mind was focused on not forgetting anything, so I didn’t even turn around.

Then I felt a pair of damp arms slide around my waist. “Hey babe.” The greeting was followed by a soft kiss on the side of my neck.

“Mmm...hey Jase.”

“About ready?”

“Umm...I think so...I feel like I’m forgetting something. Gah, I can’t figure it out though,” I sighed in frustration as I tried to go over my mental checklist.

“Hmm...I’m sure it’s nothing too important. You’re way too organized to forget something important,” he complimented as he settled his wet head on my shoulder. I took a moment to smell the clean aroma of freshly showered Jase before resuming my contemplations.

Then it hit me. “OH SHIT!” I dove out of Jase’s arms and grabbed my cell phone.

“Um...babe?”

“Justin, I forgot to call Justin...he has a bad habit of oversleeping after...well after getting laid. It’s the only time he really ever gets up late.”

“Oooohhh...hehe, think he’s still up at Harvard?”

“Probably and he’s only got 45 minutes to get down here before the review starts.”

“Well I’m sure he’ll cozy up to you for personal tutoring if he misses much.”

“That was the point of this thing...I wanted to call it quits after today, hehe.”

The phone was ringing and I heard a groggy voice go, “Grr...hello?”

“Rise and shine J.”

“Ace? What time...hummmm...what time is it?” Yeah he definitely just woke up.

“2:15.”

“Huh? What the....oh shit.” And the light bulb finally turned on.

“Yeah...45 minutes to get down here. GO!”

“Shit...how long are you running the review?”

“An hour and a half. Don’t worry about being a little late, but get your ass going cause I’m not re-teaching EVERYTHING to you later. Chop, chop.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll be there, later Ace.”

“Later J.” I closed my phone and turned around. Jase had gotten mostly dressed while I was on the phone...but he was just putting his shirt on, so I got a quick peak at all his nice muscles as he strained with the t-shirt he was pulling over his head. “Mmm...”

Jase’s head popped out of the collar of his shirt and turned to me. “Huh?”

“Oh nothing, just enjoying the view.”

“Hehe, glad to provide it. So Justin slept in huh?”

“Yup...never fails. It’s like sex hits the power switch in him.”

“Hmm...well I should try tiring you out some day...that might be fun, hehe,” he giggled as he raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“Mmm...sounds like fun. Well...we do have 45 minutes and it only takes like 10 to get to school...”

“Aww man...I just got dressed...oh well.” At that he pulled off his shirt and grabbed me by the waist, pulling me down on top of him on my bed. “I guess we can try this thing called a ‘quickie,’ hehe.”

I summoned my own devilish grin and reached over to my alarm clock. I set it to go off after 30 minutes. “Just in case...I don’t know if we’ll know when to stop...hehe.”

****

The chemistry review was...well...tedious at best. I tried not to be snobbish or arrogant...after all Jase had gotten mad at me for that once and I wasn’t about to do anything to possibly upset him any time in the foreseeable future. Still, some of those students...complete idiocy doesn’t quite cover it. A couple problems took over 20 minutes a piece because a few students couldn’t get how to do them at all...the rest of the group had to tell me to just drop it and continue for their sake. It was normal for a few people to fail chemistry every semester...I could point them out at that point. Thankfully, Jase and a very late Justin were among the better students as far as comprehension of the material, so that put my mind at ease. When I got around to the honors kids in the next review session, I was about ready to kill myself. Luckily, they understood the material better and we zipped through the review in 45 minutes...hallelujah.

Jase and Justin had gone home after their review session was over, but Jase came back to go home with me after I was done with the second one. I was a little nervous when he pulled me into a hug right in the hallway of school, but there weren’t many people around, so I decided that if anyone saw us, it probably wouldn’t matter.

We actually all convened at Justin’s house for a change. The two J’s wanted to get some extra studying in and voted that I, as the best friend and boyfriend, should attend to help them if required...oh joy. On the bright side, they seemed to grasp everything pretty well, so I largely got to nap or surf the web with only the occasional tap on the shoulder for a brief question. The company was good too...it kept me from thinking too much.

“I think I’m gonna quit doing the TA thing for chem. It’s way too exhausting,” I admitted as Jase and Justin started to wrap up studying.

Justin did a 180 to face me. “Wha? I thought you liked it.”

“I do...but still...way too much work. I’ll just tutor chemistry. There are just too many headaches involved in dealing with so many people all at once.”

“Aww...but what about all the young idiots who would fail without your assistance?” Jase asked whilst batting his eyelashes at me jokingly.

“Jase...you’re not an idiot. You’re just destined to be a humanities or social sciences major in college. You’re allowed to be inept in chemistry and such.”

Jase tried to play shocked. “WHA? I’m inept?! OH NO!”

I laughed at him. “I didn’t say you were inept, just that you’re allowed to be. Come on, I thought writers were supposed to be able to pick out nuances.”

“Heh, only in our own material...whatever anyone else does...it’s Greek to me.”

“Figures. So you guys ready for the exam tomorrow now?”

Jase and Justin looked at each other briefly and then at their notes. After a moment of contemplation, they both nodded that they were ready.

“I’ll just be glad to have this over with...god I still have to pack for the trip,” Justin said, slightly exasperated.

Jase nodded at the notion. “Yeah me too...I kinda wish I wasn’t going anywhere though.” He gave me a bit of a disappointed look.

“Aww...Jase come on, you won’t be gone long.” Internally I was dreading it...I certainly didn’t want to let him go...especially not then, but I decided that I had best try to make the best of the situation. “Besides, we both have to do the whole ‘family’ thing and I don’t want to juggle you and them...and when you get back...”

His face lit up a little. “Ooo...fun times ahead, hehe.”

Justin looked a tad perplexed. “Um...something happen that I don’t know about?”

It dawned on us that no one had filled him in on the events of the last day and night...Jase and I both seemed a little nervous about bringing it up, but he finally spoke up. “Um...well last night...y’see Chris and Ryan kinda got trashed and...well, I guess ‘hooked up’ is the closest term I can think of.”

I heard Justin’s eyes snap fully open...yeah they made a noise. “WHAT?!” He paused for a second and suddenly looked very much angered. “I’m gonna kill him.”

Jase interjected, “Justin, it’s ok...it’s all ok.”

He looked at me shocked, then at Jase and then back to me. “Um...you guys are ok?”

Jase smiled...whew again. “Yeah we’re fine...just alcohol mediated stupid shit. Oh and Chris and I had the most amazing make up sex...”

Justin was floored again. “HUH?!! SEX?! YOU TWO?! SINCE WHEN?!” He thought for a second. “Wait, like full on, if Chris were a girl, he’d be pregnant or just, y’know...”

Jase and I chuckled as I responded, “Choice B....”

“Heh, yeah...I kinda decked Ryan too. You missed a lot of drama man.”

“Dude...you punched him? Break anything?”

“Nah...he just a bruise on his chin. We kinda made up though...I just need a bit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, like I said it was just stupid stuff...it’s gonna be ok.”

“So why’d you punch him?”

“Just to make the point clear,” Jase said as he wrapped his arms around me. “This is mine and if you touch, I kill you.”

“HA! What about me? I thought I had an all access pass,” Justin said, waving an imaginary pass in the air.

I chimed in, “Sorry J, but you’ve been limited to partial access. You can take it up with the management,” as I pointed to Jase.

“Ah man...oh well, at least I have a backup bed partner now...hehehe.”

That reminded me. “Oh yeah, so you two doing well?”

“Oh yeah...dude she’s great...at least in bed. Haha. We both sorta had it in our heads that this was mainly about sex and having fun, so it’s good.”

“Well at least you’ll have someone to take care of your horniness...at least a bit.”

“True. Man, I’ve never had anyone wear me out before though...like last night she...”

Jase threw up his hands and I put mine over my ears as we both yelled, “AAHH!!”

Justin rolled his eyes at us. “Oh ha ha. Damn it I need some regular straight guys to gloat about my exploits to...jeez. Whoa wait, is Ryan gay?”

Another awkward moment of silence ensued. I squeaked after a while, “He doesn’t even know...he’s so fucked up...he still likes chicks though, so you can probably still gloat to him if you want.”

“Haha...this is all getting too complicated.”

He was right...things were more complicated. I had a boyfriend, Justin had a...fuck buddy...hehe...Ryan was a bit questioning at least, I had sorta kinda cheated on Jase, etc. The summer before, I had, for all intents and purposes, one friend. Now it looked like I was meeting new people left and right. I felt close to more people than ever before. I had to stop and catch my breath a lot just to keep up with everything that was happening. My life had started to accelerate and I knew I had to work at it to keep from falling behind. The year was coming to an end and new things were on the horizon.

“Chris? You there babe?” Jase slid his head into my lap and gazed up at me from his new vantage point.

“Huh? Oh yeah, just thinking a little.” My hand made its way into the short strands of Jase’s hair and started toying with them, smiling. My smile lessened slightly as I started contemplating the future...uncertainty always got me down and the future was always uncertain.

“Hey, you’re not thinking about last night again are you?”

“Huh? No it’s not that...well maybe a little bit. I was just wondering if you will ever come to your senses and realize you’re too good for me.”

“Heh, well don’t worry cause it’ll never happen. You’re stuck with me.” He reached up to kiss me...to seal the deal.

“Mmm...I’m glad. As long as you’ll have me...”