From Where I Stand - 20. Chapter 20

Now, Cape Cod is beautiful...and that’s all there is to it. A lot of it just looks like some idealist artist sat down and painted the picture-perfect Northeast Seascape complete with the long beaches, rolling dunes full of weeds, lighthouses and of course, the endless expanse of water. The Cape was high on my list of favorite places in the world and it was nice to have a place like that close to home. My family didn’t take too much to the Cape experience however...my mom and brother preferred more “refined” destinations and liked to stay in nice hotels. The “backward” feel of the Cape wasn’t for them. Justin’s family, on the other hand, loved the Cape and I used to tag along every so often with them when they had their excursions. The trip Ryan and I planned was, however, the first time I had been there with just friends.

Justin’s mom had a few connections that came in handy...mainly that she knew the owners of a particular bed and breakfast near Provincetown, so securing lodging wasn’t a problem. Following finals at summer school, everyone packed up for the weekend out on the Cape. We were going to be out there for two days and wanted to get going as fast as possible. The final list ended up being me, Jase, Justin, Ryan, CJ, Adam, Sabine and Becks...interestingly enough, we got three rooms, one of which was a double, so we decided that Justin and Becks would get their own room as would Ryan and Sabine....which left all the gay guys in the bigger room. It sounded like a good idea so Adam and CJ didn’t feel left out...and none of the gay guys wanted to have the straight people going at it in the same room, haha.

We headed down in the early morning in two cars, lightly packed aside from a massive quantity of clam bake supplies...several lobsters, many pounds of clams and mussels, shrimp, corn, potatoes, onions, beer, canvas tarps, and an arsonist’s dream of fire materials...oh and lots of ice. It was a three hour drive from Boston, but we managed to stay entertained along the way. The real treat came once we got there.

After dropping off things at the bed and breakfast, which in a good way looked a bit like something out of Norman Rockwell painting, we headed out to the beach to spend the afternoon and evening frolicking. Of course as soon as we got there, pretty much everyone except me and Adam ran for the water to jump in...goofballs. Adam and I just chuckled and unloaded the cars for the day at the beach. We had grabbed a beach permit for a fire to cook dinner, and we were lucky enough to find a span of beach that was relatively empty...the season was closing out anyway and that particular area was a bit rockier. Adam found a nice spot and we dumped off our large ice chests and other equipment. Turns out we had both done a clam bake before, so we worked really well together to get the thing set up.

A clam bake actually has a lot of steps involved, so in case you want to know one way to do it, here it is: first you need a lot of rocks...yes, rocks. The beach always has lots available...at least in New England...and the best ones are flattish and smooth granite rocks. Second, you need lots of seaweed...another common thing on New England beaches. We actually let the goofballs collect a bunch and we kept it soaked in a big pot of seawater until we were ready for it...keeps it fresh...and don’t worry, you don’t actually eat the seaweed...or the rocks. Next, you need a nice spot on the beach to dig a pit...preferably not so close to the water that it unexpectedly gets washed over when the tide comes in. Adam did a good imitation of a cheap porn flick when he took of his shirt and started digging the pit out with a shovel...did I mention Adam was really hot? Yeah, there was definitely no shortage of hotness at our little gathering...especially since it was the beach and everyone had lost the majority of their clothing. Hot people look hotter when shirtless and soaking wet...hehe. ANYWAY...that was more for my sake than anyone elses, hehe...after you watch your hot friend dig a pit in the sand, it’s time for the fun part...fire. We opted to try the layered method: line the pit with smaller stones and/or gravel, put down a layer of coals and light combustibles like drift wood, then the big flat stones followed by another layer of light combustibles and coals. Now, be sure to time the fire starting properly...you need to rocks to be glowing hot and the fire needs to burn out a little after that. Coals make the process easier to manage, but still, don’t start the fire too early or you’ll have to start over.

After the main preps were done, Adam and I just spread out some beach towels and relaxed...at least for a little bit before a bunch of loud, wet people started barreling towards us.

“INCOMING!!” Jase screamed as he ran towards us with CJ clinging on for dear life as he rode on Jase’s back.

Adam turned to me and asked, “Ever wonder why we like those goofballs?”

“Constantly,” I deadpanned while closing my eyes and lying back down.

“Haha,” he turned back to the other for a second before continuing, “I guess they’re hot.”

“There’s that.”

“So how long do you think we have until we should start acting like pyros?”

“Hmm...probably another two hours or so.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who has a clue about how to do this.”

“I think everyone would starve without us.”

“Hehe, yeah.”

A few seconds later, my relaxation was rudely interrupted by a wet body slamming down on top of me...I was expecting Jase, but it was actually Justin.

“Hey Ace! Come on, the water’s great!” I chuckled a little and tried to just close my eyes again. “Oh no you don’t!” Justin said before I felt myself being picked up.

The next thing I knew I was slung over his shoulder and he was making a b-line to the water. I protested and struggled a bit, but needless to say, it was futile. Luckily I was wearing my trunks and not bearing any electronics or other such things because within a few seconds I was off of Justin’s shoulder and being hurled into the surf. I surfaced after a few seconds and tried to clear my vision...but I didn’t get much of a chance as Justin dove in after me and my eyes were greeted by another volley of splashing water.

As Justin surfaced next to me, I looked at him and said, “Couldn’t just leave me in peace, huh?”

“Course not. You can nap at home.” With that he dove at me and we started wrestling around in the water...not that I didn’t enjoy it thoroughly, but it would have been nice if it was completely voluntary. Oh, who am I kidding?

After a while we took a pause to catch our breath. I then felt something come up behind me underwater...a little startled, I turned around and found Jase rising from underwater as he put his arms around me.

“Hey babe,” he almost whispered as he held me close...sigh, perfect line as always.

“Hey there,” I responded, smiling widely.

“Having fun?”

“Heh, a bit involuntarily, but yeah.”

“Well, if you are ready for a break, I think we’re due for some beach cuddling,” Jase said while smiling slyly. I didn’t so much respond as grabbed his hand and started trudging towards shore as he followed and laughed at me.

****

Last time on Chris’s Kitchen, we were making a New England Clam Bake...ok, so maybe I’m getting ahead of myself...but seriously, who doesn’t want their own cooking show? So after some very nice sun drenched beach cuddling with Jase, Adam and I resumed our dinner preparations while everyone relaxed...not that they didn’t offer to help, but frankly, some of them were just incompetent when it came to preparing food, so Adam and I both felt that it would be better for everyone’s stomachs if we just did the cooking.

Now, everyone knows fire is awesome, so there were plenty of spectators when the fire was starting up. Adam, who proved to be the pro-pyro, broke out his mini-torch and we ignited the pit with plenty of lighter fluid...within minutes, we had a roaring blaze going which was greeted with cheers by the group. It’s a good thing we were wearing sunscreen...otherwise the giant blaze probably would have given us sunburn...or third degree burns, whatever. After adjusting the blaze with a little extra fuel, we all sat back and watched as the roaring fire went on. So, the idea is that the fire will superheat the rocks in the pit and when they’re glowing hot, that’s the time to start cooking. Also, a big fire is kinda romantic, hehe. The “couples” were definitely enjoying the nice cuddle time on the beach...the gay guys kinda just all lumped together so no one was left out...part of the stack was Adam lying on me lying on Jase. CJ just kinda sprawled out over everyone...very cozy.

The hallmark moment was interrupted...or maybe it was complimented...by dusk and the fire was dying down...cooking time. To layer your clam bake, first start with a generous layer of seawater soaked seaweed over the glowing hot rocks, pile on the lobsters, shrimp, clams, mussels and top off with the vegetables. Over that, put another layer of seaweed and top it off with a wet canvas tarp to seal in the steam...cooking takes about an hour or so. Also, watch out for the steam when doing this...steam is hot y’know.

At this point, the ice cold beers came out to play...yeah, so most of us were underage, like that is an issue. Sam Adams Cherry Wheat and I are involved...so what if Sammy is robbing the cradle. Everyone took it pretty easy anyway, so no one would feel the need to call the police on us...not that there was anyone there really.

Before we knew it, it was sunset and the food was ready. If you’ve never had a New England Clam Bake, you’re missing out. Alright, before this starts to sound too much like an episode of Barefoot Contessa...yes, I watch way too much Food Network...I’ll just say that the food was amazing and no one could move for a good hour or so afterward. Also, in an amazing display, the women snapped their whips and Ryan and Justin cleaned up the whole thing...I still don’t understand where that amazing power comes from...must be the ovaries or something.

It was getting pretty dark out, so we started up a smaller fire so we could enjoy the night without being in complete darkness. The beers had been polished off some time earlier, so we were waiting around to be completely sober so we could drive to the bed and breakfast for the night...aww, weren’t we just all responsible and stuff. Well, everyone knows the best way to pass the time while wearing down an alcohol buzz is by cuddling and making out. The straight couples didn’t require much in the way of prompting while the rest of us reassembled the gay pile and made some light conversation. The arrangement was kinda interesting...Jase and CJ were being their usual chatty selves with each other, with Jase’s head resting on CJ’s chest as they talked. Meanwhile, Adam and I were resting our heads on Jase’s torso with our legs kinda sprawled over CJ’s...I guess from above it would have been a triangle. Jase almost absentmindedly put his arm over my chest as we all lay there talking and enjoying the contact. The fire was making just enough noise...or was it the straight people making out...for the two conversations in the triangle to be mostly separate.

“This was a pretty good idea you and Ryan had,” Adam mentioned.

“Heh, yeah...glad everyone is enjoying it. Hey, are you doing ok?” I asked in a hushed voice tinged with concern.

Adam let out a small sigh before responding in an equally hushed tone, “Yeah I guess...I dunno, I suppose I just feel like I’m a bit on the outside in these big group things since everyone seems to have someone besides me and CJ...and it wouldn’t exactly be an ideal situation for us to be left out together.” I smiled weakly and just nuzzled up to him as he, as if by reflex, moved closer and shifted his head a little off Jase and onto my shoulder.

“Hey, I don’t want you to feel that way...I know J and Becks aren’t really being helpful at the moment, but seriously...you’re never gonna be an outsider with me, ok?” That brought a small smile to Adam’s face as he closed his eyes cuddled up to me. I couldn’t help but think how right it felt to just be there with him...I’m pretty sure I wasn’t thinking anything particular sinful at that moment, but still...maybe things felt a little too right.

****

“You cannot be serious,” I asked Jase and CJ, laughing slightly.

“What?” Jase asked, doing his best to act as unassuming as possible. “I mean there are some places to go out at night and we are relatively young...although some of us are a bit older on the inside...” he joked at me and my ancient soul.

“Well I’m dead tired and not in any mood to try and get into a bar without a good fake ID, so if you and CJ REALLY want to go out, then be my guest.”

“Are you being passive aggressive again?”

Insert rolling eyes here. “Jase, I know I’m a bit of a lamer when it comes to partying and CJ is really fun, so go on and have fun. I’ll see you when you get back...which hopefully won’t be too late.”

Jase ran up and hugged me. “I really wish you’d come with.”

“Heh, maybe next time. Just don’t get arrested or something.”

“Haha, will do.” He gave me a nice kiss and off he went. The idea of barhopping wasn’t exactly appealing to me back then and on some levels, it still isn’t...but Jase and CJ seemed to have a grand old time doing stuff like that.

It had been a relatively long and eventful day already and I was tired...I had far less coffee that day than normal. Ryan was in a similar situation as he and Sabine crashed almost as soon as we got back to the bed and breakfast. The place had a nice sitting room with a fireplace and lots of cushy furniture, so Justin, Becks, Adam and I took full advantage of that before heading off to bed. Becks and Adam actually went off to bed first...it actually seemed more like they wanted to talk some, which left me and J...to talk some. Pretty much the moment the other two had left, Justin sat himself down next to me and put his arm around me.

“This was great, Ace.”

“Heh, yeah.” I guess my voice was a little down or something.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah...I guess I’m just not ready for summer to be over.”

“Well we do have a couple weeks before school.”

“Not really much time.”

“Heh, yeah I guess not.” Justin and I hadn’t had a whole lot of alone time together towards the end of the summer and the eminent threat of him disappearing due to the move was becoming ever more apparent. I couldn’t help but cozy up to him and hold on. “Hey,” he started as he ran his fingers through my hair. “I’m not gonna disappear at midnight or anything.”

“Heh...well you do kinda resemble a pumpkin.”

“Haha.” The moment definitely had some ominous overtones, but it was still comfortable and nice...after all, it was just me and J.

“It’s getting close though, isn’t it?”

“Mom and dad are trying to narrow down the move time a bit.”

“I wish you could just stay...at least for the rest of the school year.” Then it hit me...like a fucking pile of bricks. “Wow I’m dumb...why don’t you? I mean you practically live in my room anyway.”

Justin just sighed. “I actually had this talk with my parents already...they’re worried that it would be too much trouble for you and your mom.”

“J, come on...my mom isn’t even there most of the time anyway. It’s usually just us and honestly, you don’t require THAT much babysitting...” I said snickering a little.

“Oh, haha. But yeah, they didn’t want to impose and then there’s Scotty...they thought it would be pretty unfair to let me stay and not let him do the same.”

“Scotty isn’t even in high school...this is your senior year.”

“It’s still not fair.”

“Nothing about this is fair, J. I know you don’t want to act like some spoiled kid, but this is different. Besides, if your parents don’t even know when you’ll be moving...if school starts, you should just stay.”

“Ace...”

“Hell you could take Daniel’s room...”

“CHRIS!” Ok, I guess I was ranting a bit...or a lot. In any case, that made me stop...it wasn’t an angry yell or anything like that...it sounded maybe a bit more on the desperate side. I didn’t really feel any hostility...in fact, Justin just held me tighter. “I do want to stay, ok? But you’ll be ok even if I’m not here.”

“That’s not what this is about J...”

Justin let out a bit of a sigh. “I know...”

“I’m gonna talk to my mom about this.”

“Ace...”

“Hey, I want to do this, ok? You aren’t asking me to do anything and you don’t have to do anything if she says ‘yes,’ but I’m still going to ask anyway. You’re too important to me...I’m not gonna just let this slide by.”

The conversation pretty much stopped there. I couldn’t see Justin’s face since he was holding me from behind, but I think he was smiling...and he just held me tighter. We probably stayed there for a good hour or so, just relaxing, before we were both felt that we should turn in, lest we spend the whole night on that sofa. I gave Justin a hug good night as he went into his room and I headed to mine. As I entered, the light in the room was on despite Adam being in bed already, apparently fast asleep. It was a pretty cute sight...he looked like he literally fell on the bed and passed out with his head half off his pillow and his mouth slightly agape...poor guy was exhausted. Smiling to myself, I went to take a quick shower before bed, letting the hot water steam out my brain in the process as I tried to not think about anything. I had turned off the light as I went into the bathroom, but when I came back out, the light was on again.

“Hey,” Adam said from his bed, half-startling me.

“Oh, hey...I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“Nah,” Adam said as he got up and headed for the bathroom door. “Was just waiting for the bathroom...one minute.” He disappeared into the bathroom as I got ready to get in bed. A minute or so later, true to his timing, Adam emerged from the bathroom, but he sort of just stood there, looking a bit confused.

“Um, Adam? You ok?” I asked as he just stood there.

“Huh?” I guess he was thinking about something. “Oh, yeah...I’m fine...” He definitely looked like he had something on his mind.

“Uh, I know I’m not Becks, but if you need to talk...” He smiled at me slightly, but still looked a bit tentative. I moved over on my bed and patted on the now vacant spot...that was all the invitation Adam needed apparently as he shuffled over quietly and sat down.

“You’re better than Becks...you’re not a girl.”

“Haha...so what’s up?”

“Nothing really...I just...I guess I’m just feeling a bit lost. Summer is just about over now and I was actually just starting to feel like...I dunno...like things were making sense and everything. I’m not really looking forward to the whole high school thing again...”

“Heh, yeah, me neither. I guess I’m pretty ready to give the whole college thing a shot.”

“Yeah...should probably start doing apps and stuff. Do you still wanna go to Harvard?”

“Pretty much.”

“Cool...I hope we both get in. I mean, I do wanna meet new people and stuff, but it’d still be awesome to be there with you.”

“Yeah it would...” I guess I felt a little spontaneously affectionate at that minute, because I pulled Adam down onto the bed with me and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Um...Chris...have you and Jase talked about what you guys are going to do...I mean like with college and stuff?”

“Kinda sorta...I’ve been putting it off a lot. I just don’t want to deal with it yet.”

“Heh...yeah that’s understandable. Are you guys applying to the same places?”

“Probably not entirely...Jase doesn’t wanna get into debt going to college, so he’s on the scholarship hunt and that kinda rules out some places...like Harvard.”

“Oh...that sucks. Well there are plenty of other schools I guess. I still need to get a list of places to apply to in case...it’s still a coin toss for all these damn Ivies.”

“Yeah I know.”

“So...you two will probably stay together, right? Even if you’re not at the same school?” At that point, my mind was spinning all sorts of possibilities and scenarios around...needless to say it was a mess. Everyone knew that there were definitely some feelings going between me and Adam, but I guess it felt a little more imminent right then.

“We don’t know...Jase seems to want us to break up for all intents and purposes if we do so we don’t go through the whole ‘long distance relationship’ thing...then if we end up in the right situation again later and we feel the same, then maybe we’d get back together.” The response was honest enough. It had definitely been crossing my mind more often that I would want to explore my feelings about Adam a bit more if the situation was right...my feelings for Jase hadn’t changed, but I was starting to be more convinced by his argument that there was nothing wrong with loving more than one person. I just knew I wanted to be closer to Adam and it definitely felt like he wanted the same thing.

“I guess that makes sense. Um...hey...” Adam moved from behind me and I sat up and faced him. “I guess you...well...know how...I feel about you...right?” He nervously stammered out.

I smiled weakly. “Yeah...well, I mean...everyone says you kinda like me or whatever.”

“Yeah...um...it’s a bit more than kinda. I mean I know you and Jase are really serious and you love him...I just can’t really help it.”

I scooted a little closer to Adam. “Hey...I like you too...a lot.”

“Really?” He looked slightly surprised.

“Come on...we’ve been through this a bit...the whole ‘I’d date you if you were available and vice versa’ thing.”

“Heh...yeah I guess. I just...I don’t know...I guess I feel a bit guilty. I mean, I’m sitting here thinking, if Chris and Jase break up, that means I can ask him out. I have a big problem with falling for unavailable guys, huh?”

“Haha...maybe a bit. But hey, it’s not because I don’t feel the same way...cause I do...it’s just the timing is off. I mean, if I had met you first...I can definitely see us...”

“Me too.”

“So...let’s just keep going the way we have been...see where we end up.”

“Yeah...I guess so.”

“Besides, you may meet an available Mr. Perfect tomorrow and then you’ll forget all about me, haha.”

“Heh...” Adam paused for a moment. “Even if I did...it’ll take more than that to get rid of me,” he said with his big dimply smile.

“Haha...good.” An idea popped into my head just then and I looked around a little at the arrangement of the room.

“Uh, what are you looking at?” Adam asked inquisitively as he joined me looking around.

“Got an idea...” With that I hopped off the bed and walked over to the nightstand that separated the two beds in the room. It was a small and easily moved piece of furniture and since the place was a bed and breakfast and not a hotel, there arrangement of everything in the room seemed more flexible than the bolted, wired and perfectly laid out rooms at say, a Hilton. After a few minutes of moving things around, I had the two beds next to each other and I was climbing into the other bed next to Adam.

“Um...ok...”

“Haha, we’ll let Jase and CJ figure things out when they get here. Let’s just go to sleep.”

“Haha, sounds good.” We hit the lights and Adam slipped under the covers of one bed as I did the same on the adjacent bed. After a little shuffling around, I was practically straddling the two beds in a crevice...pretty comfortable actually...as Adam cuddled up next to me. I slipped out of consciousness with the warm, slow pulses of his breath on my hair, feeling very much comfortable.

****

I had no idea when Jase and CJ actually got in...and the scary part was, neither did they. I just woke up the next morning with Jase snuggled up to me on one side and Adam resting gently on my shoulder on the other. CJ must have been completely trashed when they got in because he was on the bed next to Adam, with his head at the foot of the bed and his feet half hanging off the bed...oh and drooling on the sheets a bit too.

I glanced over at the clock...it was only 7 and breakfast wasn’t served until 8, so I just lay there for a while. At one point, Adam shifted in his sleep off of my shoulder and settled onto his pillow. I took the opportunity to move a little without disturbing him and wrapped myself around Jase, planting my face in the nape of his neck. After a little while, he stirred and I got a nice good morning view of his eyes.

“Mmm...morning babe.”

I leaned in and gave him a quick, soft kiss. “Morning.”

“Mmm...what time is it?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Heh...well then...” Jase shifted and positioned himself a little under me and wrapped his arms around my stomach and chest. “Ah, that’s better.” I chuckled softly and sank into him as we both dozed off again.

Surprisingly, the first one to take the initiative and get up was CJ. He got up, groaned and staggered to the bathroom...a minute later, the shower was on and the rest of us started to wake up.

“So,” I started as Jase rubbed his eyes. “Have fun last night?”

“Dude...CJ is nuts. I could barely keep up with him...he was just running around from place to place. He got it in his head to take tequila shots in every bar we went to...”

“Haha...yeah sounds like CJ.”

“Still, it was fun. So, you two get along ok when we were gone?” Jase asked, slightly suggestive and smirking. Adam, who was up by then, just rolled his eyes as I chuckled. “Y’know,” Jase said to me, “you get all the hot guys to cuddle with you...gay or not.”

I just shrugged as Adam responded, “Jase, he’s comfy...like a sexy teddy bear.” Then I turned 4 or 5 shades of red as they laughed at me. It was nice to see they were both comfortable enough joking to each other about being physically intimate with me...I would have preferred not being incredibly embarrassed, but I never win that fight.

****

Now, bed and breakfasts are awesome because...well, breakfast is that meal I hate cooking because I’m just hungry and usually irate when I wake up...so having someone else do it just makes the morning so much better. Also, I don’t typically do the whole American breakfast thing, but it’s nice every once in a while. There was a nice spread of waffles, scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, fruit, muffins and fresh croissants...my favorite breakfast item. Of course, aside from the fruit, that breakfast probably raised everyone’s cholesterol 50% or so, but it was soooo good.

After breakfast, there was a mad scramble to pack up so we could get back to Boston before it got too late. Some packing was going to be necessary later on too since Adam and I were going to move back home from our summer digs in Cambridge that week. The drive home was pretty mellow and quiet, with the passengers mainly sleeping.

I was half sleeping most of the way and half thinking. I seemed utterly unable to get things organized in my mind. Every time I tried to think about one thing, another thought would pop in and interrupt. That proved to be pretty bad when I was trying to figure out how to ask my mom about Justin staying during the school year. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t have any problems with it, but I wanted to cover my bases and think out everything ahead of time. I was also trying to think of some contingency plans if the issue of Scotty came up. I mean, I didn’t have any issues with him staying too...just one more mouth to feed when I cooked pretty much and we got along just fine. It was just hitting me that summer was about over and there was a lot to get set up. I wanted that year to be perfect...it was my senior year, I would likely be losing a lot of connections and relationships to the oncoming college transition and...just everything was going to change.

****

By the time we got back into Boston, the sun was getting low in the sky and it was getting dark. The cars had split up and Ryan, Adam, CJ, Sabine and I ended up outside the apartment in Cambridge to regroup for the night. CJ made a B line to his room and his bed...the hangover was still killing him. The rest of us opted for dinner out...sort of a last get together for the “Harvard kids” before classes started again. It was also a nice closeout to a very nice weekend.

When I got home, I got on the internet for the first time a couple of days...probably a record for me. My brother had actually called while I was on the Cape...he couldn’t comprehend how I could get along with the internet for that long. In any case, I had like 100 emails to go through...mostly junk, but some important stuff too. My grades were also available...an A and an A-...so I was happy enough about that. There had been some curve balls on the astronomy final, so I wasn’t overly surprised and I was satisfied.

Then, at the end of the list of emails, there was one last one from an address that I didn’t recognize. It didn’t look outwardly like spam, so I opened it...I immediately regretted doing it. It was pretty straightforward:

I know about you, fag. This year is gonna be fun.

I was a bit taken back...I didn’t even know how to react. The email address was obviously meant to be anonymous, so I didn’t really have a way to track back. I felt a bit numb...I just lay down on my bed and half-buried my face in my pillow. There were plenty of conflicting thoughts going around in my mind...some saying that it didn’t matter and I shouldn’t care...some saying that my life was over. I did my best to ignore the negative ones, but I was still worried. I think I would have been less worried if it just affected me...but it didn’t. The last thing I wanted to do was drag Jase and Adam down with me...I cared about them way too much. It was late and I just decided to go to sleep and deal with it later...and I guess I thought maybe it would go away.

“Fuck,” I said aloud to no one in particular. “Fuck, fuck, fuck...”