From Where I Stand - 24. Chapter 24

It’s inevitable for life to get divided into discrete chunks of time so that we as mere humans are able to process and organize it. High school is one of those chunks that always seems to come up when thinking about the past. It’s easy...it’s a common ground for countless millions of people...something that no matter how different the experiences are, the common root still exists. High school may only be four years long...at least on average in the states...but a lot of life gets packed in there. And in one way or another, we all have things to regret...and things to celebrate...as that part of life draws to a close.

I have to say that my senior year is up there as far as which year was the most fun. Also, much to the discontent of many including myself, it tends to be the year that seems to fly the fastest. I can’t count the number of times I wished that time would just stop so I could savor even the smallest joys that I had. Of course, time has its own agenda that we are all very much bound to...and if you are thinking about relativity as you read this sentence, YOU ARE A GIANT NERD!!! I don’t have any more admissions to make...been there done that, hehe.

In any case, my senior year of high school came to a close far too quickly. As I recall all that happened, I find myself wishing that I had done a lot of things...well, maybe not differently, but maybe I should have tried harder to make the most of them. I would be exceedingly happy if life had redos, but no one has gotten back to me yet on that suggestion for how the universe should work. Anyway, before my mind makes any more philosophical remarks, a lot happened the rest of that year. The memories are all a whirlwind...

****

“Chris, please just sign it and put it in the mail.”

“Jase...”

“Come on, you’ve been waiting for this.”

“But it means...”

“I know.”

“I could just go with you.”

“But that’s not what’s best for you.”

“How can being with you not be the best for me?”

“Babe, this is about your future...this is your best option. Come on, we talked about this.”

“A guy can’t have second thoughts?”

“Heh...seriously.”

“Ok...but if we’re not speaking in 10 years, this is all your fault.”

“Hehe, I wouldn’t worry about that. It’ll never happen.”

****

“So how long are you gonna stand here staring at the building?” The voice behind me needed no introduction.

“I still can’t believe I’m here, Justin.”

“Heh, well are you so get used to it. Also, I think you’re obstructing traffic.” I took a glance around me and indeed there were at least half a dozen other people maneuvering around me to the entrance.

“Oops...ok, gazing in disbelief is over.”

“Thank God, now let’s get you in there.”

Justin helped me lug my shit through the door and up a flight of stairs. It was hardly the first time I had been in that building, but I was still very much in awe. Everything seemed very...surreal to me. On some level, I felt like my consciousness was slightly separate from my body. I had an eerie feeling like I almost floating above myself. Of course, reality doesn’t take too well to you feeling like that and I bumped into a bunch of walls, people and other various things in the midst of my daze.

“Ace, are you trying to run into things?”

“Sorry J...just a bit dazed.”

“Hehe, if you want I can throw a bucket of water on you so you’ll know you’re awake.”

“Heh, like I’d give you that satisfaction.”

“Spoilsport.” We started setting boxes down in the room...which was quickly filling. “Yo Ace, between the two of you, someone might think refugees live here or something.”

“Well part of the perk of being this close to home is that I get to bring as much stuff as I want.”

“Yeah well you could wait a little while before bringing EVERYTHING,” Justin exclaimed as he chuckled and smiled at the massive amount of stuff.

“Hey guys! Can you open the door?!” a muffled voice yelled through the door. I quickly jumped over a few obstacles and opened the door...which revealed a walking, talking stack of boxes. “Thanks!”

“Man...” Justin started upon viewing the new stack of boxes. “I never realized how much stuff you two have...”

“Hey now,” the talking stack of boxes began...and ended with the boxes making a control crash to the floor. I smiled a little as I saw Adam’s face rise up. “This is a perfectly normal amount of shit to have in a dorm room.”

Justin just rolled his eyes. “Gay guys...”

Adam and I sounded in unison, “Fag hag.”

Justin grinned and feigned insult. “Oh you did not just go there...I’m gonna kick both your asses!” Justin launched toward Adam who quickly dove behind me.

“Coward,” I told Adam with a laugh.

“Hey, he’s bigger than me.”

“And I’m smaller than both of you.”

“Yeah well, I’m sure you know how to stop him, hehe.” Sure enough, Justin came up to me and stopped dead...I was just staring at him knowingly. “See?”

“Jeez Ace...could you avert the soul burning eyes for a moment?” Justin joked as he averted his gaze.

“Ok, lowering weapons.”

“Whew,” Justin gasped. “Now, please tell me this is all the shit.”

“Everything but the bikes,” I chimed in as we all started moving boxes around. “And we shouldn’t bring those up until there’s somewhere to put the rack.” I looked around the room and stopped when I saw Adam...looking around the room with a face full of wonder and disbelief.

“Dude...Chris, this is awesome,” Adam said as he did a 360 to view the room.

“No argument here.”

I was experiencing a good deal of wonder and disbelief myself. There I was...I had made it. That move in day was probably the biggest stress reliever I could have asked for...no matter how stupid that sounds. What may sound even stupider is that I kept worrying that my admission would be revoked...I had a few bad dreams about some error that let me get in. But, moving in felt pretty decisive...I was at Harvard.

As I opened a box, I found something...a bit embarrassing. And now you can remove your mind from the gutter. It was just my admissions materials...just in case I needed them. The day I got my acceptance I nearly had a heart attack and I made copies of everything just to be sure that nothing would get lost. I even called to confirm when I sent in my response...twice. Everything thought I was being a complete and utter nutcase...which was completely and utterly true. But, I started to calm down as the move in day progressed...much to the joy of my blood pressure. I was so nervous that morning that I didn’t even need coffee...I was already jumpy at 7 a.m.

****

Despite the majority of the freshman class opting to party or something the first night, I decided that I needed a break, so I stayed in. Justin had disappeared some hours before as he actually had class the next day. I can’t describe how happy I was that he was just across the river in Boston for college. It wasn’t across the street or down the hall, but it was definitely close enough for comfort. Adam was also MIA as he, Ryan and CJ were partying. I used the “I’m really tired” excuse to stay in...in reality I just had a lot on my mind and I needed a little time to sort it out. As I lay on my new...or rather ancient...bed, staring out the window over the Old Yard, the full weight of what was the present started to sink in. At the same time, the full pressure of what was the past was soaking through my brain.

****

“Are you sure it’s ok? I mean I’m just bumming around for the most part this summer since I’m not taking classes.” Ryan was very cute when he was unsure.

“Ry, I already asked my mom and she said it’s fine. Justin’s gonna be in Hartford for most of the summer anyway, so the room is free. Besides, you’re even paying rent, which J didn’t really do, hehe.”

“I’d hardly consider $50 a month real rent.”

“Ry! It’s fine!”

“Hehe, ok. Thanks, Chris.”

Ryan had decided he wanted to stay in Boston for another summer, but didn’t want to take any more classes. He had an internship which wouldn’t occupy a huge amount of time, but it was enough to justify staying. Justin’s parents wanted him home for a big chunk of the summer since he had hardly been there since they moved. They let him stay for some of the major party period right after graduation, but that was it. Still, it was ok in my mind since we were both gonna be in town for college, so I didn’t have to fret over not seeing him. Anyway, since the room was going to be available and my mom was fine with it, I offered to put up Ryan since rent around Boston was murder. Paying rent was his idea...the $50 a month was my mom’s idea.

“So,” I said, thinking how to work out Ryan’s moving in. “We’re graduating in four days and Justin will be leaving in two weeks.”

“That’s perfect. I don’t have to move out for another two and a half weeks...I volunteered for commencement so I could stay in there longer, hehe.”

“Great! Then you can just move in whenever and you can start bringing things over now if you really want, haha.”

“Alright, sounds good.”

My cell rang right about then. “Hello?”

“Hey babe, you busy?”

“Um, I’m actually in Cambridge right now. What’s up?”

“Oh...yeah that’s right. You’re having lunch with Ry, right?”

“Yup.”

“HI RYAN!!!” Jase screamed in the phone...not surprising that it was actually loud enough for Ryan to hear.

“Haha, HEY JASE!” Ryan yelled back.

“Haha, alright enough using me as a relay station!” I laughed.

“Hehe...sorry babe. Anyway, how long are you gonna be up there?”

“Um, probably not a whole lot longer.”

“Ok, well when you get back home, gimme a call. Are you still up for dinner with everyone tonight?”

“Yeah definitely. I’ll probably call you in like an hour.”

“Ok, sounds good. Talk to you later then, mwah.”

“Mwah. Later.” I hung up and saw Ryan grinning at me, but with a tinge of concern in his expression. “What’s up Ry?”

“So are you two ok?” It was hardly the first time someone had asked, but it still felt like the first.

“Yeah, I think so. I dunno...some of it really hasn’t sunk in.”

“Yeah I can get that. I mean, you two don’t act like you’re single, haha.”

“Heh, yeah there’s that...I guess we’re just getting the formalities out of the way.”

“So you two are still having...informalities? Hehe.”

“Hehe, yeah...habits are hard to break.”

There was a brief pause in the conversation before Ryan finally asked, “Do you still love him?”

“Completely,” I answered without even the slightest hesitation.

“Heh, I guess that’s not going away anytime soon.”

“I can’t imagine that it will ever, but you never know. In any case, we’re both fine.”

“Are you gonna be fine come fall?”

That answer wasn’t as clean cut. “I probably won’t be completely fine for awhile after.”

“Well, I’ll be around if you need.”

“Thanks Ry. This is all a bit weird, huh?”

“Sorta...but I mean you two are being pretty mature about the whole thing.”

“Mature isn’t exactly the way I’d put it.”

“Oh? Then how would you?”

I sat and thought about it for a minute. It was difficult to get all the nuances of what I was feeling processed into words. On my part at least, breaking up with Jase was just a pitiful attempt at not feeling loss or hurt when he did actually go away. It didn’t seem extremely likely to succeed either, but at the same time, I didn’t want Jase to go through dealing with me long distance...short distance was enough. I also didn’t like the idea of Jase having to isolate himself, at least in part, for four years or more. I was pretty sure that if he didn’t restrict himself, all things being equal, he wouldn’t stay single for long. Also, as much as it pained me to think it, I knew he could be happy with someone else.

“Tough question?” Ryan asked, interrupting my stream of thought.

“Immensely. But anyway, I think...I think I just want to give myself some time to get used to the idea. I’m not getting over Jase any time soon, if ever, but I think I can survive with us just being good friends.”

The background noise in my mind drifted to a Third Eye Blind song right as I said “good friends.” The song was strangely fitting... “Never Let You Go”...but a very bad way to think about my situation with Jase. I quickly shook it off...I think I literally shook my head a little given that Ryan had a weird look on his face from observing me.

“Well,” Ryan started after a lull in the conversation. “You two fell hard and fast, first time around. On the other hand, you two really do seem to fit, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw you two getting married down the road.”

“Heh, really?”

“Yeah...but I guess I can also see you two with other people. In that case, I think you guys would just talk and spend time together constantly...maybe take your kids to the park together, haha.”

“Heh, you can see me with kids?”

“Yeah why not?”

“I’m terrible with kids...I’d feel sorry for them if they had to put up with me as a parent.”

“Well that might be better than someone who thinks he’s a good parent, but really isn’t.”

“Hmm...touché salesman.”

****

I had every intention of not making high school graduation a big deal, but I guess I used up a lot of my “have it my way” points when I got into Harvard. My mom managed to be in town for it...almost missed it by a hair’s breadth...and my brother came in as well. Coupled with Justin’s family, it was crowded at my house for a couple days.

Oh and of course, everyone seemed to have a camera. I can’t even count how many pictures were taken. There was at least one picture of every combination of the people present...and usually more than one picture was taken. I would have felt a bit more self-conscious about how I looked if there was more than a few seconds between pictures...there was just no time to worry.

Then of course, there was the school stuff. We had to run around to get the cap and gown, make sure everything was correct for diplomas, distributing seating tickets, etc... There was also the oh so fun pronunciation cards for the graduates’ names...I opted for them to just say my middle initial during graduation so there wouldn’t be any stumbling over the name. Some Chinese names are easy to deal with, but some aren’t so much.

I was very much in a daze the greater portion of my last semester of high school, so when I got my materials for graduation, there were a few surprises. My grades in a couple of classes had slipped...frankly because I didn’t care enough to try. I settled out with two B’s that semester, which earned me a brief scolding from my mom and brother. By that point, I was already accepted to Harvard, so short of failing a class, there wasn’t much that mattered from high school. It was enough to knock me out of the top five students in the class however...I specifically didn’t want to be the top of the class because that entailed giving a speech...so that worked out to my advantage. Besides, the valedictorian got there by taking all regular classes, every easy elective imaginable and she wasn’t even able to take calculus when she entered college...yay for her. She was one of those people that didn’t know how to keep her opinions, which were usually wrong or poorly thought out, to herself and she tended to, in a very matter of fact way, brag about her accomplishments. I think three different people told her to shut up during classes...one of them happened to be a teacher, hehe. There’s nothing quite like hearing one of your teachers go, “Kristy, SHUT UP!” in the middle of a class discussion.

One thing I didn’t manage to wiggle out of was appearing in the yearbook. Like a lot of other high schools, we had a “senior survey” that would appear in the yearbook. When the survey forms went around, I was surprised to see that someone had nominated me for something...most likely to succeed, heh. Strangely enough, none of my friends had done any nominations...I even interrogated Justin to make sure he didn’t do it. Justin managed to get nominated for “cutest couple” with Becks and “most stylish” on the survey anyway...we constantly pelted him with gay jokes for a week for the stylish one.

I ended up winning with Kaly Sanders, one of the girls in my class...she tended to “effortlessly” get A’s while taking a lot of honors classes, being involved in a ton of clubs and being a complete prude most of the time...ok so maybe being a prude was unrelated to her doing well in school, but she REALLY was a prude a lot of the time. She did show up at my house once for a chemistry study session once...it sufficiently disrupted my ability to think for at least five minutes. We tended to annoy each other greatly and she had the built-in “death stare” ability too. Becks was sitting between us once in class and I had made a comment that severely irked Kaly...she gave me the most evil look I had seen to that date. Of course, not wanting to be outdone, I returned the coldest look I could muster...Becks moved her desk out of the way and told Kaly and me that we were terrifying. That was probably the only time we had a mutual laugh over anything. When we took the picture for the yearbook together, the photographer told us we were the most unfriendly duo he had photographed that day...we were standing at least a foot and a half apart as opposed to the rest of the duos that were usually hugging or something for their pictures. Justin and Becks won cutest couple and naturally their picture was...well, barely PG.

Then there was the other survey. That was the survey that the school collected to find out where all its graduates were going to college...if they were going to college. It really felt like the world was trying to make my decisions seem as final as possible, just one nail in the coffin after another. The list got published for graduation. A lot of us were staying instate for college...I thumbed through the list during the ceremony and I smiled as a few names caught my eye:

Justin Holloway - Boston University
...
Adam Moreland - Harvard College

Then there was the one that made me a bit sad:

Jason Coleson - University of Rochester

It was like everywhere I turned, something reminded me that Jase was going away. I hardly wanted to dwell on the thought...so naturally it dwelt on me.

****

“Y’know, we’re doing a really bad job at breaking up,” Jase commented to me. He was right...there we were lying in my bed and being a bit more than...friendly. The comment was accurate, but the mood was still light.

“Heh, does that mean you wanna go?”

“Was just making an observation...wasn’t planning on doing anything about it just yet.”

“Good...cause this is too fun.”

“Hehe...well apparently calling it ‘breakup sex’ isn’t helping.”

“Damn...and here I thought that would really work,” I joked as I leaned back in to kiss Jase.

“Mmm...at least the mandatory ‘be happy’ part is working.”

“Well that part isn’t hard since we’re both here.” I was trying my damnedest to just enjoy the time I had with Jase...especially that night. Of course, part of me always tried to spoil the mood. “Are you sure you’ll be awake enough in the morning?”

“Hehe, yeah I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m just gonna be sitting on a train for 12 hours anyway.”

“I still can’t believe it takes THAT long for the train to get there.”

“Tell me about it...we could drive in like six.”

“Is there any reason we’re not?”

“Because you’d have to drive back alone and you have to move in too.”

“Grr...stupid scheduling.”

“I’ll be fine. I may be calling you intermittently along the way though, hehe.”

“You better...breakup or no breakup, we better still talk...a lot.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it...I call you without realizing sometimes.”

“Me too.”

“This may actually be good for us...we’re WAY too cute of a couple, hehe.”

“No such thing.”

We didn’t stay up all night since Jase had to be up early, but we made the most of that last night. Now I distinctly told Jase to wake me up before he left...so of course he didn’t. He gave me a little speech about not saying goodbye since we were obviously going to see and talk to each other in the future. Still, the transition from seeing him everyday to...well, not everyday...was a tough one. Over the course of the summer, we had worked up to the last day before he left. I was fine...for the most part. Missing him never went away, but I don’t think it was supposed to go away.

****

I got up from bed and went into the common room. I wasn’t completely unpacked so since I had opted out of partying, I decided I should try to finish up. I was going about it pretty leisurely though. There were plenty of moments where I just sat and looked around. There was a stack of boxes in the corner along with a lot of other stuff. As I glanced over them, I noticed that they were all labeled. I chuckled as I read the label...Property of Adam Moreland. I felt quite a bit of comfort at seeing his stuff there. To me, it meant that there would always be a friendly, familiar face in the room.

****

“So when did this happen?” Adam asked me as we walked along.

“Yesterday. It seems like every other conversation I have with Jase is about us breaking up.”

“Well I guess there won’t be any more of those now...”

“Heh, yeah I guess there’s that.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone scheduling their breakup before though.”

“We thought it would be better this way...no surprises.”

“That makes sense...but it’s not like you two are gonna stop talking or anything, right?”

“I don’t think I’d be able to even if we had agreed to it.”

The school year was counting down quickly and over all we had a lot of free time. Worrying about graduation hadn’t really set in and, at least between me and Adam, there wasn’t much studying to be done for finals. That particular day was way to nice to be spent indoors, so we took the chance to just walk around outside, even if it was a school day. Adam had kept careful track of how many days he could skip out on without incurring any consequences...hehe, he worried a lot. Still, he was willing to skip school since there wasn’t anything pressing to do. We were strolling through the Boston Public Garden, enjoying the warm weather and the nice greenery. The garden had plenty of trees for shade so we weren’t cooking to death and the gentle breeze kept the area feeling fresh.

“Oh hey,” Adam said as he seemed to recall something. “You sent in your enrollment, right?”

“Yeah, Jase made me send it in yesterday.”

“Ok then. Um, I had a thought...”

“Hmm?”

“I was thinking...maybe...ah forget it, never mind.” Adam’s tentativeness was kinda cute.

“Adam, what’s up?”

“It’s just...I was gonna ask you if you...” Adam trailed off and continued, a bit hushed, “wanted to room together...”

“Hehe...aww Adam. Actually, that sounds like a great idea.” It really did at the time.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m not crazy about rooming with someone random. Besides, we practically roomed together last summer.”

“True...I just wasn’t sure if you would go for it though. A lot of people don’t like living with their friends for college.”

“Well those people don’t have their own Adam,” I cheerily boasted as I hugged him...being very goofy over all.

“Haha. I guess this would save us the trouble of coming out to our roommates.”

“That’s right...let’s do it.”

“Ok then. I just hope you don’t get sick of me.”

“Heh, well I hope you won’t get sick of me either. Although, we are both local so I guess we have places to retreat to if need be.”

“Hmm...good point. Well, in all honesty, I don’t think I’ll need to retreat.”

“Me neither.”

****

“Jase...where did you find that thing?” I was rolling my eyes and shaking my head as Jase paraded around my room, pretending to look completely unaware.

“What thing? I don’t know what you’re talking about babe...hehe,” he said, letting a small giggle escape. Jase had somehow found my brother’s old “Harvard, because not everyone can get into MIT” shirt.

“Having fun?”

“Oh a blast. Hehe, this shirt is awesome. You should wear it the first day.”

“And I want to get crucified my first day...why?”

“Haha, it’d be really funny. But anyway...” Jase trailed off as he came up to me, giving me a nice kiss as he reached around me with a gentle embrace. “I think I may keep it if your brother won’t miss it.”

“Heh, be my guest. I’m definitely not gonna wear it. I don’t need to give them any reason to rethink my admission.”

“As if they’d do that.”

“Hey, I got deferred once, so I’m not taking any chances.”

“Hehe, you worry too much.”

“Probably...ok I do,” I admitted as I nuzzled up to Jase’s chest.

Our tender little moment was interrupted by Justin walking into the room. We didn’t really interrupt him though...he was rummaging around my room looking for something.

“Can we help you J?” I asked as Justin started looking under pillows and papers.

“Huh?” Justin half-responded. “Oh...nah I just can’t find my watch. You two can just go back to...” He paused a moment. “Hey wait a sec, don’t people usually stop making out when they break up?” he inquired as he realized.

“Normally,” Jase nonchalantly responded.

Justin just rolled his eyes and laughed. “You two...I don’t know why you are even bothering to ‘break up’ anyway...you’re just gonna fuck around with each other whenever you’re home anyway, hehe.”

Jase and I looked at each other for a moment to confer. “Yep,” we responded.

“You guys are hopeless. Aha! Found it!” Justin exclaimed in triumph as he produced his watch from under a book on my desk. He waved at us as he ran back to his room.

“So what if we’re hopeless?” I asked as I leaned back in to kiss Jase again.

“Hehe, yeah whatever. Although, maybe we won’t be fucking around too much later on...” Jase said, a little slyly.

“Something I should know?”

“Hmm...well you’re gonna be rooming with Adam...”

“God not this again...nothing’s gonna happen,” I jokingly groaned.

“Aww...well the point is, maybe it should. He really likes you.”

“Aren’t there rules about hooking up with your roommate?”

“I don’t think it’s usually an issue...straight guys aren’t usually keen on hooking up with each other.”

“Good point...but still.”

“Y’know, it may not hurt to just...I dunno...go out with him some time?”

“I guess it couldn’t hurt...but I don’t want to think about that yet. Right now, I just want to think about you.”

“Hehe, ok deal. I’m just gonna tell you right now that if you and Adam get together, I will laugh my ass off.”

“Is that supposed to be encouraging?”

“Kinda...but seriously, I will be very amused at it. You two would be so cute together and funny because you’re both kinda shy.”

“Heh, well I’ll keep that in mind then. Wouldn’t want to deny you a good laugh or anything, haha.”

****

As I kept unpacking, I came across a box that I had marked as books and supplies. It was still unpacked, so I went for it. As I dug into the box, I noticed something in it that I didn’t pack. I pulled it out and into the light...it was a journal, the kind that Jase and I used. I knew instantly that Jase had left it in there for me to find later...that boy and his surprises. I checked it out and noticed that on the black cover, there was a design. There were two silver-colored circles, looped together. Glancing down at the ring on my finger, I smiled at the cute symbolism Jase had put into it. I cracked the journal open to find that inside the cover, there was something written already.

E vestigio

From where I stand, I'm on the mend
You look just like, my best friend
I hear our voices along the flow
Before my eyes, just a moment ago

From where I stand, I can see
The clear skies running over me
But in the reflection of the morning dew
I see the clouds right under you

From where I stand, the sun has set
Years have past since when we met
When you are sitting alone in the night
Know that I'm with you, now hold on tight

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur.

I love you, always.

-Jase

A tear or two managed to slip out onto the page as I read the words. I closed the journal and held it close. I almost called Jase right then and there, but I decided to wait until the morning since he was probably asleep. Not too long after, I was still relatively awake, but I decided to hit the sack. As I made my way over to my bed, the door opened and Adam popped his head in.

“Oh, hey Chris, I thought you were going to sleep.”

“Yeah I am. I just did a little unpacking.”

“Oh ok.” Adam looked at me inquisitively for a moment. “Hey, are you ok?”

I smiled and honestly responded, “Yeah...I think I am.”

“Good...hey, are you really tired?”

“Heh, not really.”

“Well I was just grabbing something and seeing if you were still up. Ryan is making espresso in his room...”

My eyes lit up. “I’m there.”

“Haha, thought so.”

Adam headed out the door first and as I followed, I paused for a moment to take a long around. It was clear outside and the dark night seemed to just go on forever. I smiled idly to myself as I caught up to Adam. I thought whimsically to myself about staying up to see the clear sky of the morning...just to get caught up in a moment. I knew a lot of things were ahead of me and for the first time in my life, I really felt like I was ready to face them. The world was still spinning around, but I could see myself in the maelstrom...and I took a steady step into it.

*****

Finis.