From Where I Stand - 5. Chapter 5

It’s amazing how you can feel like nothing in the world can touch you...then you fall asleep...and when you wake up, you’re scared shitless. Justin and I were still on the T and I started to stir as he shook me awake. We had reached Downtown Crossing...I shook off the last vestiges of my nap and we got off the train. It was about 11 a.m. and my stomach was already twisting in knots. Justin picked up on it pretty quickly and he had to practically guide me out of the station by the shoulders. As we hit street level, the fresh air...at least fresh by Boston standards...hit me and I felt a little better.

“Calm down, Ace. He’s not even here yet.”

“What am I gonna say to him J...I really don’t wanna mess this up.”

“Then don’t.”

Brilliant, Watson. “Gee that makes me feel so much better.”

“Look, you’ll do fine ok. He likes you already so just make sure he knows that you like him too and it’ll be on autopilot from there, I promise.” I hoped he was right.

We wandered around Downtown Crossing and into the Boston Common for a while. The park was nice...the weather was just starting to turn crisp and the leaves on the trees were starting to fade out into the brilliant orange and red that New England is famous for. People were starting to bundle up a little more as the temperature dropped below the 70 mark and the fall winds started to pick up. It was exactly the kind of weather I liked. The sun was peeking out slightly from behind the numerous fluffy white and gray clouds. Most people had started to complain about the passing of summer, but to me it was just right.

I sensed that about an hour had passed since we started our walkabout. A quick reach over to check Justin’s watch confirmed it...12:05. Since it was such a nice day, Justin suggested that we just walk over to Quincy Market instead of taking the T. We figured that we could make it on foot if we went at a decent pace. With the Freedom Trail guiding us, we set off. The Freedom Trail is very nice way to see some cool old things in Boston. Every so often we would pass a group of tourists and get a little amusement from their awe...or from them looking completely and utterly lost. Honestly, the trail is a yellow brick road for all intents and purposes...you have to try to get lost.

Along the way it suddenly occurred to me...I had somehow managed to turn the day into “all about Chris”...I was supposed to be helping Justin through his breakup...or at least help him figure out if he wanted a break up or not. In yet another stunning display of how well he could read me, he said, “don’t worry about it Ace. I’m fine. I know you’re thinking that you made this all about you, but you didn’t. I kinda forced the issue. Besides, I’d rather just be with you right now than think about Katie.” Just to test things, I started thinking about something to see if he would pick up on it. It was like clockwork. “No I can’t read your mind Chris. However, you have had the same facial expressions since you were 10...and I’m smart enough to fill in the holes.”

“Why do we even bother talking anymore?”

“Because you can’t read my mind yet, grasshopper.”

“Oh yeah...read this.” With that I lightly slapped him upside the head. He laughed it off pretty quickly. “Hey J? Thanks for helping my through this.”

“Hey, that’s what we do for each other, right? And stop worrying. Jase is gonna be all over you by sundown.”

“Ha! I’ll settle for him still wanting to speak to me...but the all over me thing would be nice.”

“Can I watch?”

God. “Are you sure you’re straight?”

“What? A guy can’t be curious?”

“Not straight guys. If you’re curious we label you bi-curious.”

“Oh. Damn. What if it was for a project?”

“Justin...”

“Fine I won’t watch. Jeez it’s not like I haven’t seen all of this before,” he said while pointing up and down my body.

“True...but you’ll probably see stuff you never wanted to even think of...”

He stopped in his tracks for a second. “Ok. I think I am straight. Eewwww!”

“Damn and here I thought maybe I could bag me two boys today,” I said, feigning disappointment.

“Haha. Well let’s get you the one and then we’ll talk about threesomes...actually scratch that...foursome, there needs to be at least one girl.”

“Eh, why not?” We both snickered at the thought...worse things could happen. My thoughts shifted to Jase...I could picture myself with him...I never could pull that off with anyone for long in my head...uncertainty always seemed win out. Something about him was a little different. I just felt like we clicked...more so than I had ever thought we would.

The clock struck 12:30 just as we were crossing the street in front of Quincy Market. I always liked all the little shops there...you could find weird things that they didn’t have elsewhere. I looked around a little and didn’t see anyone familiar. Just as I finished peering across the square, I felt my pocket vibrate...my phone’s screen read “Jase.”

“Hello?”

“Hey Chris! Paul and I are at Quincy Market. Where are you guys?”

“We just got here too. We’re in front of the Faneuil Hall building.”

“Huh? Oh there you are.” He hung up and I started to look around. Justin spotted two guys waving at us. We started walking towards them.

“Hey guys!” Jason greeted us with a huge grin on his face. He looked totally stunning. I was so used to seeing him with messed up hair and a little sweaty or tired from soccer...he was totally different today. He looked like he got his full eight hours and was sporting a nice clean black track jacket with jeans and a tight shirt that hugged all the muscular contours of his upper body with a ringer that fit close around his smooth neck...I was probably drooling.

“Hey Jase...looking good man, who are you trying to impress, huh?” Justin threw in jokingly...thank you very much Mr. Subtlety.

“Heh, thanks. I just felt like being non-dingy today. It’s nice to not have to worry about getting nice clothes all smelly from soccer y’know?”

“So what, no one’s gonna comment on me?” Paul did his best to look hurt.

“Heh. You look nice and put together yourself Paul.” I threw him a bone. He took it with earnest and even gave us a little twirl around. That got us all laughing. We were all starving at that point...typical teenagers...eat, sleep, repeat. Being Bostonians, we decided on a nearby seafood place that always had great steamers and other shellfish. We started walking to the restaurant and along the way, Paul suddenly spoke up.

“Oh yeah by the way, I have to get going after lunch. Sorry I forgot to mention.”

“Bailing on us after food huh?” Jase joked.

“Haha. Yeah well...I have an...appointment.”

“I hope she’s on time,” Justin threw in with a smile. It was nice to see he could still joke around about girlfriends and such.

“Heh. Yeah me too. Sorry to bail on you guys though.”

“Eh, no problem. It’ll be a hardship, but we will attempt to endure the cruel world without you.” Jase did a decent impression of the abandoned damsel. The performance received an accolade...a punch in the arm from Paul.

****

Lunch went by pretty smoothly. We all talked casually, but as soon as food appeared, we all shut up and proceeded with devouring whatever was in front of us. Every once in a while I noticed Justin staring at me. I could tell what he was thinking and I tried to mentally project to him that I’d get around to talking to Jase. I guess he understood well enough because he stopped staring at me after that. The telepathy thing was sorta nice.

Paul was off soon after we had finished eating and we all said our laters and byes.

“Well I hope you guys don’t mind just hanging with me today.” Jase looked a little unsure...like he had lost his wingman.

“Nah, we’ll be fine off just us man. Besides I kinda want to observe this vaunted social Chris I’ve been hearing about.” Justin was laying it on thick. I think I blushed and rolled my eyes...that felt a bit weird.

“He still doesn’t believe me that I have friends besides him,” I said pointing to Justin. Jase chuckled and our eyes met for a second...or maybe a few seconds. He blinked a little and looked forward as we walked along the street. I smiled a little to myself. “Maybe he does like me,” I tried reassuring myself. My reverie was broken by Justin poking me in the ribs, followed by him pointing at my bag...which was holding Jase’s journal. Jase was still looking forward so he didn’t notice the little exchange. I gave Justin an “I’m getting to it” stare. I didn't know how to get to it though. We were walking around Quincy Market...it's a bit wide open and very public...not exactly the best place to talk about anything touchy. At least it wasn't ideal in my mind.

“Say Jase, how bout we head up to Cambridge or something. I haven’t been there in ages,” Justin interjected. He was up to something.

“Oh sure, it’s up to you guys. I was just sorta wandering.”

“Yeah you and Chris seem to both like doing that.” God...Justin would be the one trying to open a peanut with a hand grenade. Jase nodded and we ducked into the nearest T station. We were all a little quiet on the train ride up to Cambridge. Thankfully it wasn’t far...otherwise the silence may have seemed a bit more awkward. After a loud screeching turn on the T, we hopped off the train at Harvard Square and proceeded onto the yard. I always loved walking around Harvard’s campus...it was just pretty to me...and I always wanted to be one of those guys walking around the campus because they actually went to Harvard.

Justin decided to take the lead a bit and directed us towards one of the buildings. The sun had come out with a bit more force and it was starting to get a little warm outside. Justin stopped in front of Boylston Hall.

“Hey let’s step in for a second. This one’s air conditioned.” God I hoped he wasn’t trying to force the situation...he did always have that meddling personality.

We all entered the building and Justin took the lead and went upstairs. We came into a little lounge at the top of the stairs. The building seemed pretty empty and the lounge was quiet. I felt like I had walked right into a trap.

“Ah. That’s better...nice and cool.” Justin took a seat and we followed suit. “OH! Hey Chris, you should probably get Jason his book before you forget.”

All I could think was “shoot me.” Jase had a bit of a confused look on his face.

“Um...what book?” That was it.

“Now or never,” I thought as I pulled out his journal from my bag. “Uh...this one.” I nervously offered it to him. “You dropped it yesterday...I uh...forgot to tell you.” Great Chris, could you have been any less convincing?

Jase just sat there. He looked like he was in shock. His eyes were locked on his journal and his expression was completely blank. I could have sworn his skin was also going a bit white.

“Jase...are you ok?” I smacked myself mentally after I said that. “Of course he isn’t ok idiot, look at him,” I mentally chastised.

Slowly, Jase’s eyes rose from his journal to meet mine. He looked like he could start crying at any moment. “Chris...did you...did you read it?” He barely looked at me for a second before he suddenly bolted up and tried to make a mad dash for the stairs. Fortunately Justin intercepted pretty quickly and got in his way.

“Woah Jason...dude calm down.”

Jase looked like a deer in the headlights. Justin gave me a not so subtle look at that point. I inhaled like it would be my last breath. I kept telling myself that I had already said this today...how bad could it be to say again? I tried to force out a smile but all I managed was not frowning. “Jase...I need to tell you something.” Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. “I’m gay.”

I looked down a bit after I said it. I heard Justin exhale loudly from the corner and I looked up to see Jase staring me down with bewilderment in his eyes. “You’re...wha?” His stare suddenly lost its focus and he looked a bit dizzy. Justin and I both lunged and caught him as he started to lose his balance. Thankfully he didn’t full out faint.

Jase managed to squeeze out, “um...guys, I think I need to sit down for a sec...” We guided him to a bench and helped him sit down. He looked so completely dazed...like someone hit him in the head. “Uh...thanks,” he squeaked.

“Hey no problem...um I think I’m gonna leave you two alone for a minute. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” Justin got up and headed down the stairs. It was just me and Jase.

“Jase? Are you ok?” Again with the stupid questions. My brain was definitely not in full working order.

He tentatively glanced over at me. “I don’t know...” A few heavy heaves later, he continued, “Chris...did you read it?” His eyes were pleading at me...I felt myself get a little lost in them.

“Um...I’m sorry Jase. I didn’t mean to. When you walked off it must have fell out of your bag. It landed open and...I just glanced. I didn’t mean to...god...I’m sorry.” I really felt like a complete ass.

“Chris...I wanted you to read it.”

Come again? “Uh...wha?” Now it was my turn to be confused.

“I...jeez...I didn’t want you to read it right then...but...uh...I wanted you to read it. I just wasn’t quite ready.” I felt like he was staring right through me until his eyes hit the back of my brain...thankfully someone was at home.

“I didn’t read much. I just saw like three sentences...when I glanced I saw my name and...well...I guess my curiosity got the best of me,” I practically whispered, very sheepishly.

“Which part did you read?” He picked up his journal and handed it to me. I wasn’t sure what to do...but I took it and tried to locate where I had read before without reading to much else. I managed to find the page and my eyes focused in on the words that had caught my eye the day before. I laid my finger on my name. Jase’s eyes closed as he saw me point it out.

“Jase...did you mean this?” I was on a roll with the horrible questions.

With his eyes still shut, he responded, “yes...and I still do.” Aside from the tough looking exterior, Jase came across like a wounded puppy. I felt needle pricks throughout my body. It was killing me to see him like that. So I decided to take Justin’s advice and I went into autopilot...I reached out and took his hand. He winced slightly at the first touch, but as it lingered, he slowly reached back and our fingers intertwined. We both held on tight...I could feel the quick pulse of his heartbeat through his hand. My own heart started beating faster. Slowly, Jase opened his eyes and found mine. He managed a small smile as he looked at me. I figured since I was being oh so smooth just then, I should probably just tell him how I felt.

“Jase...I like you too...a lot in fact.” His smile grew a little at my confession. We sat there for a few minutes, hands still locked. Despite the somewhat awkward silence, it was nice...almost comfortable.

“I’m glad it wasn’t just me.” He was whispering just loud enough for me to hear. “This didn’t exactly go the way I pictured it.” He grinned a little.

“Heh. Me neither. So um...are we ok?”

“Yeah...well, I hope so.” He squeezed my hand a little. “Um...I’ve never really done this so...um...Chris...I really like you...and I was kinda hoping that...well...that maybe you wanted to...date or something?” He groaned a little after he said. “Ok...could I sound anymore childish...”

I just smiled. “Jase...I’d love to.” I looked at him to make sure he was looking back. “And you don’t sound childish. There’s just not really a nice clean way to say it without sounding cheesy.” I grinned and he laughed a little.

“Cool...well, that was a lot to take in at once huh?”

“God I’ve been losing my mind since yesterday.”

“Heh. Um...does Justin know...like...well I guess he knows, but...”

“Yeah he knows...I actually came out to him this morning...”

“Really??”

“Yeah...I guess I’m on a roll. I’m thinking the pope next.” He gave me a courtesy laugh...or at least I’m guessing it was a courtesy laugh. My sense of humor needed work.

“Well I’m guessing he took it pretty well.”

“Yeah...that’s Justin...always there for me.”

“I hope I can measure up.”

That one blew me back a little. “Measure up to what?”

“Chris...I can tell, especially now. You wish the two of you were more than just friends.”

I guess everyone could read me like a book. “He’s straight Jase.”

“Still...he’s gonna be hard to live up to...straight or not.”

“Jase...you don’t have to live up to anyone ok. I like you. I’m not looking for substitutes because I can’t have Justin.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I love him, but I accepted a long time ago that he’d never be like that to me...and you...well...I thought we just clicked...like this was what was supposed to happen.”

“I’m glad it’s not just me who feels like that. Cause I have it bad for you.” We were both grinning widely at that point. “So...I kinda feel like we did the first date already actually.” We both chuckled...he was kinda right. After all, first dates were where you learned more about each other right?

“I kinda feel like that too. I wish someone let me know though.”

“Haha. Yeah me too. And y’know I think we’ve technically made it to some base already...since we kinda have seen each other naked before.” He was blushing and I returned the blush in spades.

“Ha...yeah, there’s that. Well, at least there won’t be too many surprises there right?”

“Heh...well we’ll get to that...I hope. But in the meantime...um...I think I...ah fuck it...” He was progressively leaning in closer to me and getting quieter. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

All I could do was nod a little. I felt his breath on my face. My brain felt a little numb from the anticipation and the thoughts racing through...then it all stopped. I closed my eyes and I felt Jase’s lips make contact...it was soft at first, like he was testing the waters. Then he slowly leaned in and the pressure increased. We both swayed a little...almost in unison...as our lips settled in together. I felt his hand come up and touch the hair on the back of my head ever so gently. If he touched me any harder I was certain I would have fallen over. I felt like I was floating. The moment seemed to keep going and going...and then it abruptly ended.

“Um guys are you...OH WOAH! SORRY!” Jase and I broke off quickly and we both saw Justin wide eyed at the stairs. We laughed at his expression. “So I’m guessing everything went well, yes?”

“Heh...yeah J, it’s ok.”

“Alright then. Well if you two want a moment longer I can just go...”

“Justin, it’s ok. Besides, I think I need to thank you for something,” Jase chimed in.

“For what?”

“For not being gay so I could have him.” He pointed at me with his thumb.

“AHHA!! Dude don’t thank me for that cause god knows I’ve tried...”

“Wha?” Jase was confused again...Justin just didn’t know when to quit.

“Oh nothing...” Or maybe he did. “I’ll tell you later...maybe. But anyway, so you guys...together?” Jase and I looked at each other and smiled. “Ok that’s a yes. Well sweet. I should play gay matchmaker more often. Guys are so much easier than girls with this shit...” Ain’t that the truth? “So are you gonna like, go out on a date or something now?” It amazed me how interested Justin was in all of it.

“Um...well we both think we’ve already done the first date thing so...how bout #2?” Jase got up and pulled me to my feet. “Chris, wanna go out with me tonight? Sorry Justin, but I kinda want to steal him for a while.”

I was blushing and Justin kept shooing gestures at me. “Um...that sounds great.” If I could grin any more I think my face would have splintered.

“Alright then,” Justin started. “So it’s like 4 p.m. now...so I’m gonna head home and...clean my room or something. You two have fun.”

“Justin...we don’t need to go off right now.” I still felt bad about not spending time with him.

“Hey now. This isn’t a discussion. Oh by the way, Jason, you better have him home in one piece by midnight or I will hunt you down, got it?”

“Yes sir!” Jase saluted Justin. I had to cover my face.

“Ok...so I’m off. Have fun, be safe and don’t make too much of a mess...” With that Justin jumped down the stairs and we saw him dashing across the yard from the windows.

I looked at Jase. “Ok that was a bit weird.”

“You’re telling me? That felt like the big brother speech for his sister’s boyfriend.”

“Close enough I guess. Heh.”

“Haha. Yeah. Um, so what do you feel like doing? This is kinda new for me...”

“I think we’re in the same boat there. Let’s just take a walk and see where it leads us.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

We headed out onto the yard and picked a random direction to start walking. “Hey Jase?”

“Yup?”

I grabbed his hand for a second or three. “I’m really glad we’re here...together.”

He squeezed my hand. “Me too. I’ve been waiting for this. And we’re just getting started.” Feeling relatively secure on the liberal campus of Harvard, we set off, hands still together, both of us smiling like fools in love. That week had been a lot for me. I never imagined that hanging out with a few new people would lead to all that happened...my routines and perceptions got thrown in a tailspin...and I couldn’t have been happier about it all. I still had trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that only five days before, I had barely spoken two words to Jase. It was all a little fast, but I was excited to see where it would all end up.