From Where I Stand - 13. Chapter 13

“Ace, it’s really not a big deal.”

“You don’t think so?” I wasn’t so sure.

“Why would it be? I thought you guys were all ok about this shit already.”

“Well...Jase seems to be, but I don’t know...I just feel like sometimes he’s too understanding of everything. Then sometimes when he’s really stressed or something, he’ll fly off the handle briefly. I just think he’s trying too hard to forgive and forget.”

Justin and I were sitting on a bench in a park. I was starting to get self-conscious about my physical state since there was no soccer in the spring and despite weighing 130 pounds at the time, I felt fat...or at least out of shape. Justin had to do plenty of running for track, so whenever he did jogging between lifting and running drills, I’d tag along so I didn’t end up sitting on my ass too much. Justin could destroy me in short distance sprints...after all he was a sprinter, so that made sense...but I could more than keep up with him over distances, so no adjustment had to be made for either of us when we were just jogging for exercise. We were taking a little breather after jogging out about three miles before heading back home. Jase was still at school doing something for the school newspaper, so I took the opportunity to pick Justin’s brain about some things that were bothering me when Jase wasn’t around.

“Y’know it’s not a bad thing to have a forgiving boyfriend, right?”

“I know...but I don’t want to be unfair to him because I think he’ll just grin and bear it. I know he and Ryan are fine now, but I don’t want to chance anything. It’s just a bad situation waiting to happen.”

“Ace, Jase is not gonna flip out over you living with Ryan for the summer. Like you said, they’re buds again, so I don’t think there’s an issue...you’re not gonna like hook up with Ry again are you?”

“J...that’s part of the problem.”

“Huh?”

“I still like him...I love Jase, but...I feel like I’m such a weak person.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like if the temptation arises, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to fight it off.”

“Chris, you’re gonna not live with Ryan because you’re afraid you might have a moment of weakness and do something with him?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Well, first of all, you’re not a weak person...I mean come on, you’ve been through too much to not be a strong person. Oh and also, doing something with Ryan would involve both of you and didn’t you say Jase would rip off his balls or something?”

“Heh, yeah he said that.”

“Well I’m sure Ry knows better than to risk losing his jewels. Besides, I thought you said you trust Ryan still.”

“Trust isn’t the issue. What happened before was random stupidity, which everyone is capable of.”

“Ok, worry aside, do you still want to live with Ryan?”

“Well...I guess so.”

“Then just do it. Nothing is gonna happen. You two are good friends and Jase is not gonna flip out over it. Hell, he’ll probably be over there most of the time anyway. Doesn’t he know about this?”

“I don’t think so. We never really talked about it I guess. It’s been in the back of my mind and I’ve been a bit afraid to bring it up.”

“Well bring it up ok? He’s not gonna overreact.”

“I hope not. I just wish it had never happened...I feel like I’ve done something to hurt Jase and it just won’t go away.”

I don’t know why it was still bothering me...practically everyone had reassured me that everything was ok. Justin had tried to convince me that nothing was wrong numerous times. Jase always told me to drop it if I ever brought up that night...he insisted that he had forgiven me and that it wasn’t a big deal. I think the thing that bothered me most was that it didn’t bother him...strange as that sounds. Deep down, I wanted Jase to get at least a little mad...and at me, not at Ryan. I felt like I had gotten off the hook way too easily. I was glad that he and Ryan had made up completely...they were hanging out every so often again and even talking a lot. But I still had more than the fair share of lingering thoughts about the whole thing...I guess the big thing was that I didn’t think I deserved Jase and I wanted the best for him. More and more, I had started to think that I wasn’t the best guy for him...that he could do better.

****

It was already April. The winter and spring had come and gone before I even realized it. Everything had been pretty normal, despite my insecurities. After the interruption in my social life caused by winter break and the necessary “family time” everyone seemed to have, things just sort of fell into place. The first day that Jase was back...literally the first hour...he came over and we had “I haven’t seen you in a week” sex...amazing.

Before our first big sexual exercise, Jase and I were pretty indifferent about sex...we didn’t feel the pressing need to do anything besides enjoy each other’s company. However, after the first time, it became rather habitual...I guess it takes a little experience to fully appreciate what you were missing out on. Sex wasn’t all-consuming for us...but when the opportunity arose, we didn’t see any reason not to act on our impulses with each other. We were a pretty vanilla couple in bed, but that suited us just fine...Jase did have some amazing stamina though, so if time and conditions allowed, we’d just keep going and going. I always got tired first and some times I even had a caffeine break before we got it on again. Jase was always a slightly more dominant figure in our relationship...he was protective of me, he would usually hold me and not vice versa and when we had sex...most of the time he would initiate, but whenever I got up the stomach to sort of “take charge” of the situation, he would melt. I guess he liked whatever small aggressive streak that I had in me.

Strangely enough, the only time when thoughts about my little infidelity with Ryan didn’t surface was when I was spending very involved time with Jase. Every other time, the memory would pop into my head on occasion and the guilt would just linger for a little while. Jase had started to notice those times even after I tried to hide it...he usually ended up trying to comfort me, but that’s not what I wanted...otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to hide it. I really wanted to put that mistake behind me, but it didn’t want to let go. I even felt guilty if I looked for more than a second at any attractive guy that happened to pass.

Because of all of my lingering guilt, I stopped hanging out with Ryan in any situation where it was just the two of us. Everything was fine on the surface with him...we were all friends again without anything but the most residual of outward discomfort. I’d always find out whether there would be other people and come up with excuses not to spend time with him if it would just be us...I was still afraid that I may end up in a situation with him that would cause more damage. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t trust him...I just didn’t trust myself around him.

I think he noticed too...once he pulled me off to the side when we were with some other people. I got visibly nervous and he just said, “Chris, it’s ok...I get it. If you don’t feel comfortable being alone with me, then that’s fine...just don’t go away completely ok?”

“Ry...it’s not that I don’t trust you.”

“I know...I know you worry about things when you’re with me though. Hey, just let me know if I can help ok? I don’t want you to be afraid of anything when you’re with me.”

“Ry...I think I just need some time.”

Unfortunately, time wasn’t moving fast enough. It had been more than 4 months and I hardly felt any different about the subject. The biggest thing was how I felt when I was alone...when I was around other people, especially Jase, I would feel and seem alright. However, whenever I was by myself...my mind would keep going back to that night.

After a while, I felt like I was starting to slide. I had always been self-deprecating, but it had gotten worse...especially in private. Part of my mind would criticize everything about me...I felt unattractive, insecure, guilty and on occasion...very much alone. I started to think that if anyone saw into my head and figured out everything about me, they’d see nothing but a pathetic, weak little runt that just made everything go wrong.

I did my best to maintain all outward appearances that I was ok...I kept up with school, which wasn’t too difficult considering the light semester, I spent a good chunk of time working out...I even let Justin drag me into the gym to start lifting a little. It was a good thing for me physically, but it only seemed to fuel my low self-esteem...all the while I would hear a voice in my head saying “it doesn’t matter, you’re still not good enough.”

I also took every opportunity to not sleep alone...whether it was with Jase or Justin when he was around...just not Ryan since I didn’t trust myself. When I slept alone, my mind would be restless and it felt like I was being taunted. As the months dragged on, the mental discomfort was starting to spill over into physical discomfort...when I was alone, I felt very cold...often to the point of shivering uncontrollably. Every so often I would get itchy on my arms and back...without interruptions, I would scratch for upwards of an hour at a time, often until my skin was red and even bleeding on occasion.

Then the worst feeling of all...when I was alone and my mental state dropped to a certain level, I would get sharp, shuddering pains in my arms and hands and I would feel like my chest was being crushed. The episodes lasted for seconds at a time, but it was usually enough to make me pause whatever I was doing, whether I was walking down a hallway or reading a book...every muscle would tighten up, my breathing would get shallow and the pain actually felt so bad sometimes that I would start crying.

If I had told someone about everything that I was going through, it probably would have helped...but I was too afraid to let anyone know that I wasn’t ok. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me...the thought of that just made me feel more pathetic, like I was some worthless child that had to be taken care of...and I certainly didn’t want to upset anyone. Everyone seemed happy and the last thing I wanted was to be a downer. I did my best to hide anything that I was feeling that wasn’t happy or pleasant. Unfortunately, I probably made what I was going through worse since I knew I was hiding things from the people I loved...I knew I was breaking promises to Justin and Jase about not closing up and keeping things from them. I took advantage of the fact that Justin was too busy to really get full analysis time with me...he didn’t pick up much about how bad I was really feeling. It also helped the disguise that I did actually feel better when I was around other people...the problem was when I was alone.

While I did everything I could to spend time with other people so I could avoid my darker feelings and thoughts, I also didn’t want to appear needy or clingy, so that left time that I would be on my own and fully susceptible to my deteriorating emotional state. I kept thinking that it would go away on its own...that time would fix it. Instead of fixing it, time seemed to be making it worse...my mind would come up with new things that seemed wrong with me and never forget any of the previous ones.

I had started to become a bit of an insomniac when I wasn’t sleeping with Justin or Jase. I was afraid to fall asleep because I didn’t know what my head would dream up...more than a few times, I had waken up in a cold sweat after a very disturbing nightmare. The memory of what actually happened in them would fade away quickly, but they left lingering feelings of anguish and sadness behind, which were causing the real damage.

****

One night I was sitting at my desk trying not to think or fall asleep. I was mindlessly surfing on the internet just to occupy the time. As my insomnia started to become more prominent, I had started to keep various snacks in my desk so I could munch at night without having to go down to the kitchen all the time...I guess if you just stay awake, you’re bound to get hungry if you don’t allow yourself to sleep. I opened my drawer to grab a granola bar or something when my eye got caught...I shifted my gaze from my computer screen to the drawer. I had a box of granola bars, but under it was a white card partially covered by the box and other random objects. For a moment, I didn’t remember what it was, so I reached in to grab it. As I pulled the card out, it dawned on me what it was...it was the business card for my old therapist.

Dr. Juliana Marks. She was the lucky lady that got to tackle my extensive psychological problems around when my father left my life. She was really a great person...unless she was disguising her true feelings exceedingly well, she was extremely kind and considerate of everything. She also seemed genuinely invested in the wellbeing of the people she was seeing. I had even had several sessions “off the books” as I didn’t want anyone to know about them...she didn’t even charge me though I offered. The couple years following my parents’ divorce, she would call to check up on me every so often. That had declined in recent years...she herself had gone off and gotten married, so I guess her life was busier. She was on our Christmas card and similar holiday list, so we’d have occasional updates go back and forth, but nothing formal for a long time.

She had once told me that if I ever needed to talk to someone, especially in confidence, I could always call her. For some reason she seemed to have taken a special interest in my case...maybe it hit close to home or something. Feeling the way I was at the time, I thought about it...it was late though and I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I had problems that serious. I put the card back in my desk...that time in an empty corner where it wouldn’t get covered up. I turned off my computer and lights right before crawling into bed. I did my best to try and clear my mind of all thoughts...it was some time before I managed to fall asleep, curled up trying to use physical warmth to quench the cold feeling I had inside.

****

“Hey babe, we should go out biking tomorrow...we haven’t done that in forever.”

“Mmm...sounds good. It’s nice that we’ll finally have a weekend without it raining.”

“You probably just jinxed it, hehe.”

“Eh whatever. Freak rain storm or not, we’re going outside...it’s spring and we shouldn’t be cooped up indoors.”

Jase and I were walking home from the T station...it never really occurred to me how much time was spent just walking back and forth to the T...it was a lot I guess. Anyway, it was Friday afternoon and we had a nice carefree weekend ahead...no homework, no exams...no real worries at all. We probably would have gone out biking that afternoon, but we were both starving so I was going to cook up something. It was to have fresh food readily available again after the winter was over...ok so I guess I was a chef in a past life or something. I guess there must be something when you consider cooking a leisure activity instead of a chore.

Jase sat himself at the counter in the kitchen as I got started. I was feeling a little experimental and we had plenty of stuff to choose from since I had gone grocery shopping the day before. Jase seemed amused as I got into the swing of things, especially when I paused to think about what I was going to do next.

“You should just forget everything else and be a chef,” he said laughingly...but probably slightly serious. “Besides, you cook enough...may as well make a profession out of it.”

“Heh, yeah well it’s one thing cooking for a few people at most maybe twice a day...but doing it all day, every day...I don’t know about that. Oh and also cooks don’t make much money.”

“Well not the staff ones in like McDonald’s or something...I could so see you being like the next Ming Tsai or something, haha.”

“Heh, that would be cool.” Yeah we watched too much Food Network. “I guess...well I dunno.”

“What?”

“I just always had a dream...of owning my own place I guess. Probably a pipedream, but oh well, all the good ones are anyway.”

“Aw, I think you could do it. I’d invest, hehe.”

“Heh...well I think I’ll stick with going to college, getting a job and making a lot of money...then I’ll address my hopes and dreams.”

“That’s probably a good plan too. At least then you won’t be one of those people who make a lot of money and don’t do anything with it.”

“Heh, yeah...of course I’ll probably have to choose between a restaurant and...I don’t know...having kids?”

“Ha! Yeah well, worry about the kids thing later. Nice not having to worry about ‘child-bearing years,’ huh? Haha.”

“Haha, no kidding. Hey...have we never talked about that?”

“About what?”

“About, y’know...if you ever want kids I guess.”

“Hmm...I guess not. Well I’m not completely opposed to the idea...I just feel sorry for the little guys that have to have me as a parent, haha.”

“Heh...yeah I kinda feel like that...well about me, not you, hehe. I think I have too many personal issues to have kids safely...they’ll end up more fucked up than me.” Jase got up from the counter and slid behind me at the stove. His arms wrapped around my waist and his head took its usual spot between my shoulder and neck as he took a quick whiff of me...and the food.

“A kid could only be so lucky as to turn out like you.” Damn him and knowing how to get to me...it was a nice thought...thinking that at least someone didn’t think I’d fuck up a kid by trying to be a parent.

“On the other hand, there’s the fact that I don’t know if I want to put a kid through having two gay parents either...”

“Aww...well I’m sure by the time we get around to it, it won’t be as bad as it is now...and it’s getting a little better.”

“Yeah I guess...I love Massa.”

“Hehe, yeah me too.”

Jase remained clamped onto me until I had to have a little more freedom of movement...I loved the feeling of him being near. I soaked up as much as I could...I knew as soon as he was gone, all the bad things in me would come back to the surface. I didn’t want to tell him I was having trouble...I felt fine with him. It looked like my issues would stay a secret for another day.

A while later, Justin showed up. He had just finished practice and was hungry, as usual. We had plenty of leftovers, so he voraciously attacked those while Jase and I cuddled and watched TV. It felt a bit weird at times...there seemed to be an inordinate number of anti-depression drug commercials on that night. It may have had something to do with the channel flipping we were doing, but it registered in my mind nonetheless. I felt slightly nervous every time one of the commercials came on...like I thought Jase would catch on about my mental state or something. I was happily relieved when he proved to be blissfully ignorant of it...I felt bad about keeping things from him, but I believed that I owed him some happiness and peace without having to deal with the shit that I created.

“Oh hey babe, before I forget.”

My daze was disrupted and I turned to Jase. “Hmm?”

“I talked to Ry yesterday and I promised I would talk to you about something.”

Uh oh...that had me slightly worried...largely for no good reason. “Um...ok?”

“He said you haven’t really decided where you’re living this summer.”

Ah damn it. “Oh...yeah I guess not.” I hadn’t notified Harvard about where I would be living or not. They said housing was still available and I was seriously considering it...I still just didn’t feel all right about living with Ryan for the summer. “I was thinking about just getting campus housing.”

“Chris...it’s ok. I don’t mind you living with Ry. I told you, everything’s fine now.”

“I know...I just don’t feel like it’s the best idea.”

“Why not? I thought you liked the place and it’s close by to campus.”

“Yeah I know...I just don’t think I should.”

“Hey,” he started as he pulled me close. “Look, I talked to him...he said you were avoiding being alone with him at all because you weren’t sure you could trust yourself around him.”

Well I guess I didn’t tell Ryan that in explicit confidence...damn it. “Jase...I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Y’know, like sending an alcoholic to a wine and cheese party.”

“Heh...Chris, you’re not a...Ryan-aholic? Anyway, I trust you...and him. I guess you haven’t really talked to him much lately huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s a bit more sure of himself now...sexuality-wise anyway. He’s straight. He figured out that he just really cared about you...and that maybe he had one too many gay experiences which made it all feel a little too natural, haha.”

It didn’t exactly put my mind at ease. “So he told you about his friend back home?”

“Heh, yeah. Explains a few things I guess. In any case, you shouldn’t let what happened back then get in the way of being friends...it was all forgiven and I thought we were pretty much past it all.”

“I just don’t want to risk doing anything to hurt you...I don’t think I would...but I didn’t think I would before and it still happened. I can’t put you through that again.”

“Chris...babe...you’re not going to, ok? Come on, please don’t get like this...I don’t want you hung up over this forever. We made it...we’re still together and that’s what matters.” I wanted to just spill right there...how I felt about everything...the small hell I was experiencing when no one was around. I just couldn’t get it out though...so I just did the next worse thing...deny it.

“Ok...I’ll talk to Ryan about living this summer, ok?” I figured relenting at least that much would help resolve the discussion.

“Ok.” He kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks babe...and don’t worry...you’re stronger than you think.”

“So you going to live with Ry?” Jase and I turned our heads to see Justin walking in with his face half-buried in a plate of food.

“I said I’ll talk to him,” I replied. After all, that wasn’t a guaranteed statement...so I wasn’t lying if I didn’t end up doing it.

“Ok good. Told you Jase wouldn’t flip.”

Jase turned to me and cocked an eyebrow. “You thought I’d flip out?”

“I didn’t want to risk it. I told you, this stuff still worries me.”

“Aww babe.” He pulled me into a warm hug. “Well, I’m glad I brought it up then.”

****

Well, I did promise Jase...so there I was, at Harvard...going to talk to Ryan. I was standing under the covered entrance of his dorm so he couldn’t see me from his room. I was just standing there, taking deep breaths to try and calm myself down. I had called him earlier and he told me to come on by whenever so we could talk about the summer housing thing. He didn’t say if CJ would be there or not, so my anxiety about being alone with him popped up. Ryan didn’t have any objections to me coming by, so since he knew how I felt about spending time alone with him, I assumed that CJ would be there...I hoped that would be enough to keep me calm.

People were coming in and out of the building every few minutes...I’d get a few odd looks here and there, but otherwise no one paid me any mind. When I was satisfied that I was collected enough to face Ryan, I waited for the next opening of the door and headed in. I practically walked to Ryan’s room with my eyes closed...I knew the way well enough and the decreased visual stimulus seemed to simmer me down. Before I knew it, I had arrived at his door...I stood there nervously for a few minutes, trying to work up the nerve to even knock. Then just as I was raising my hand to the door, it opened.

Ryan walked out with his head slightly down, but he noticed me in front of him before plowing me over. “Oh! Hey Chris, didn’t see you there.”

“Um, hey Ry. Heading somewhere?”

“Heh, nah just going to the bathroom. Come on in, I’ll be back in a minute, k?” Ryan cleared the door and I walked into his room...probably a little slower than I could have.

Ryan turned to go down the hall and the door closed behind him. The room was empty...it had been a while since I had been in there. I stood in the middle of the room, not feeling comfortable enough to sit down or anything. I just kept looking around at everything. Not a lot had changed since I was there last...the furniture were all in the same places, there were the usual scattering of books, notebooks, papers, some clothes, etc. around the place and the same clean scent with maybe a hint of Febreze. I looked around a bit more until something caught my eye.

My feet broke free of their moored location on the floor as I became drawn an object on Ryan’s desk. I approached slowly until I was standing over the wooden platform of the desk. My hand reached out, a little unsurely, but straight at the target...a picture frame. I picked up the frame and brought it closer. My eyes were fixed on the photograph in the frame...it was a picture of Ryan, Jase and me...we had taken it months before. We were standing in front of one of the many statues of cows in Boston...this particular one was in Prudential Center. I never quite understood why there were dozens of cow sculptures in Boston, but oh well. We were all up against the cow pretending like we were trying to push it over...fake cow-tipping as it was. Goofy looks and smiles were on all of our faces...Ryan and I had our backs against the cow like we were pushing while Jase was facing the other way with his hands up against it. The memory brought a slight smile to my face...that was back before things got complicated...when we were all just friends having fun.

“That was fun, huh?” My head snapped up from the photo to see Ryan standing beside me...I hadn’t even heard him come into the room.

“Yeah...it was.” My smile faded a little as I placed the photo back on his desk. What struck me as odd was that it was the only picture on his desk...most people would probably have pictures of their family, significant others or maybe old friends from home...but there we were...me and Jase. I guess it never quite struck me how close we had all gotten...and how much we probably meant to Ryan.

“Hey Chris...I’m sorry.”

The apology caught me a little by surprise. “Huh? For what?”

“Um...for a lot of stuff. Hey, I was hoping we could, y’know...talk a little?”

My nerves jolted at his proposition...I didn’t know if I was ready to “talk” about anything with him. “Ry...it’s all ok, really.”

“I don’t really believe that...come on Chris, we used to...I mean I know things are different and the last thing I want is to push you if you haven’t forgiven me, but...”

“Ry, I forgave you for whatever I considered you did wrong that day...I’ve got nothing against you, ok?”

“Then why don’t we talk anymore?” That struck a nerve. “Why are you still afraid to be around me?”

A deep sigh escaped my mouth. “Ry...I just...I still don’t trust myself completely around you...I still...I still feel too much.”

“Yeah...I kinda figured. Um...I’m sorry I talked to Jase about this stuff behind your back. I just wanted to help.” It hadn’t quite occurred to me that any talking was going on behind my back...I guess being upset and insecure all the time could interfere with realizing what was plainly obvious.

“Oh...you guys having been talking? About me?”

“Chris...we’re all getting a little worried about you. Jase...we both thought that maybe I could try talking to you.”

I was a bit perplexed. “Why you?”

“Because...Jase thinks you push away everything too easily when you’re with him...and he thinks the same thing happens when you’re with Justin...so to him, that kinda left me.” I was getting scared at that point...I had assumed up until then that I had been keeping my deeper problems a pretty firm secret from everyone...but it looked like they had noticed something...enough to bring Ryan into it. Ryan continued, “When I told him that you had been kinda...well...avoiding being around me at all and that you seemed a little off whenever I did see you...we’re just worried about you, Chris.”

I wanted to run...I just wanted to turn around and run out the door. My legs started to shake slightly, as if preparing to take flight from some danger. I felt a cold sweat start to build up on my body...the color had probably all but left my face. The scene in front of me blurred out as my mind started wrestling with itself...I was struggling to stay in control of my own feelings, but it wasn’t really working. Then...Ryan stepped closer to me. It was like I could feel his presence in my body...the side closest to him tensed up and tingled. My eyes shut tightly as I tried to wipe everything out of my mind...all the shit that I was feeling. My stomach was queasy... the hollow feeling that I had felt whenever I was alone was creeping in. When Ryan tried to reach out for me...just to comfort me...I jerked back and just froze again. It took a couple tries, but eventually Ryan managed to put his arms around me...I was petrified. Thoughts of what had happened the last time we had touched like that started to flood my consciousness. My eyes started to feel hot as they wetted with fresh tears...they felt like they were burning me.

“Chris...shh...it’s ok...don’t worry, nothing is going to happen...it’s all gonna be ok.”

I wanted to believe that...I wanted to believe him. I could almost see myself leap into his arms...almost see myself make the same mistake again. I was slowly overwhelmed with what I was feeling...everything started to hurt. “Ry...”

“Hey...here, come on.” Ryan guided me and sat me down on the couch...he held me close and slowly stroked my back. It would have been soothing if the memories weren’t constantly gnawing at me. I tried to keep my breathing under control so I wouldn’t hyperventilate at least. Ryan kept up his attempts to calm me down. “Hey, it’s gonna be ok...you’re safe here, I promise...please believe that,” he said, almost pleading.

I was gripping my stomach in a vain attempt to quench the hollow feeling...slowly, I let myself take the feeling of Ryan’s touch into me. It started to make me feel a little better. I kept telling myself that he was just being a good friend...that nothing was going to happen...he just wanted me to be ok.

“You’re worthless.” The words jumped out of nowhere into my head...I wasn’t sure if I had actually heard it or if it was just my imagination. It sounded so real. The voice wasn’t Ryan’s...or mine. My head popped up and spun around quickly as I instinctively looked for the source.

“Chris? What’s wrong? What are you looking for?” Ryan inquired as I looked around frantically.

I wasn’t sure...my head stopped moving as my eyes came to rest on Ryan’s face. His eyes were full of concern...for a moment I felt lost in his hypnotizing green eyes...then it came back. “Pathetic little shit. You can’t hide there. All you can do is mess up...” The words stung in my mind...I didn’t look around that time. I knew that it was in my head...I didn’t recognize the voice immediately. Before when I had heard things in my head, they had been in my own voice or in some cases, Jase or Justin...but this voice was different. The words weren’t coming in completely clear...but something felt familiar about the voice...and the words.

“Chris! CHRIS!” Ryan broke my train of thought as he yelled, trying to get my attention. I looked back at him, feeling very confused. “Chris, what’s going on...you’re scaring me man. Please...talk to me.”

“Ry...I don’t know...I don’t know what’s going on,” I responded. I could barely focus...things were just bombarding me and it all felt like a jumble.

“Ok...hey,” he said as he took my hands in his...they were shaking horribly as I felt my fingers pierced with sharp pains...like nothing was in them. Ryan held them tightly and tried to quell the shaking. “I want to help you...please Chris, just talk to me. You don’t have to try and figure out anything...just tell me what you’re thinking.”

That suggestion scared me more than anything...in fact it literally pushed me into panic. The idea of telling anyone that I was hearing things...that I felt like my insides were being torn out...that I just wanted to curl up and die...it was more than I could handle at that point. My breathing started to speed up...within moments I was taking a breath a second. My vision started to blur and my head felt light...I could hear Ryan trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Then, he started to move away...or at least it looked that way to me. His face got smaller and further out of focus...the space around him which was bright one moment, faded away to dark. The last thing I remember was falling against something...I think it was Ryan, but I’m not sure. Everything just blacked out...and the world to me was just quiet.

****

“Are you sure he’s ok? He was shaking pretty badly.”

“Yeah I’m sure...he just had a panic attack. They make him pass out basically. He hasn’t had one of these in years...are you sure nothing happened to upset him?”

“I don’t think so...but I don’t know. I just wanted him to talk to me...I felt like something was really bothering him and...I guess I just wanted him to open up a bit...I just wanted to be someone he could go to again...I shouldn’t have pushed him. I don’t have any right...”

“Hey it’s ok...we’re all past that...him especially. He forgave you a long time ago. Something else must be going on....gah...Ace, why do you do this...”

“This has happened before?”

“Yeah...it’s been a long time. God...I thought he was better...I thought...I thought I’d helped him past this...”

“Past what? Justin, what’s going on?”

“Ry...it’s just...Chris has had some pretty rough spots in his life...and he just...he didn’t exactly get through it all unscathed. He’s been through a lot...but he never really figured out how to deal with everything I guess. I tried to always just be there for him...I wanted to make sure he never felt alone...I guess I haven’t been around as much as I should have lately.”

“Justin, it’s not your fault...you can’t watch him 24-7. I should have told you or Jase something earlier...I...I just kinda felt something was wrong. God...some friend I’ve been.”

“Hey...you didn’t know...you couldn’t have known stuff like this would happen. Man...I thought he was ok...I’m supposed to know him better than anyone and I didn’t see it.”

I heard it...all of it. They were all just sounds in the darkness...it didn’t register immediately, but eventually clicked that Justin was there talking to Ryan. I further surmised that by the tone of their conversation, they thought I was out...and I probably was...I didn’t really have much awareness at the time. I just could hear their voices...slightly distant...and there was just blackness where I should have seen people or a room...or something.

“I’m just glad you were up here...I didn’t know what to do...I just...I thought you would know I guess.”

“Heh...good guess. Don’t worry too much...Chris is strong...he may not give himself much credit...ever...but he’s a fighter...he’ll get through this.”

“I guess you would know...god...I just wish I knew...what the hell did he go through to get him like this...when I met him he was just so...all together, y’know?”

“Heh, yeah that’s my Ace...most of the time I’ve known him, he’s been the most modest, collected person you could think of...it’s just that sometimes things get to him and...he just doesn’t want to let anything out. For some reason he thinks that he needs to deal with things on his own for him to be...I don’t know...worth something. I’ve tried...his family’s tried...I know Jase has too...but none of us have been able to shake him of this...”

“Shake him of what?”

“His idea that...he just has no concept of his own self-worth. A lot of the things he does...he’d never admit it, but I know...he does things to convince himself...and probably the rest of us...that he’s worth something. It doesn’t matter that we tell him...he just keeps on thinking that he needs to prove himself. I guess on some level it’s been good...his mom thought it was great when she saw how focused and dedicated he got in everything...school especially. She was happy too when she saw he could take care of himself cause she was gone so often.”

“Why would he...why would he think he’s not...”

“Not worth anything?”

“Yeah...god, he’s been such a great guy to be around...I just don’t get it.”

“Me neither...he always thanks me for taking care of him...but god...without him...I would have lost my mind a long time ago. He’s done so much for me...but he never remembers that. He just thinks that’s the least he can do...that he’s not doing anything special. Then he bottles up his own problems...I usually have to push just to get him to talk about shit...he’s always afraid to ask for help...”

“Yeah...Jase said...he said that Chris thought...thought he was weak...and that’s why he didn’t want to be around me...Chris told me he didn’t trust himself around me. God...”

“Sounds like him. You’re special to him though...getting him to relinquish any part of the responsibility for anything where he thinks he did something wrong...that’s a feat. If he had his way, he would have taken all the blame for what happened between you two...and he would have insisted that Jase deserved someone better and he would have forced a breakup.”

“Why the hell...”

“Because in his head...in his head it would be the right thing to do...the way to make sure everyone else is better off. I just never...I didn’t think he would drag himself down like this...I didn’t think he would let it get this far...I didn’t think I wouldn’t see it if he did.”

“Well it looks like we all have a chance...god, I remember...months ago...whenever I was feeling down or had a problem or anything...he would just drop everything to listen to me bitch until I felt better. Heh...he’d always have a little remark or something to lighten everything up...I never thought his sarcasm would be so infectious. He didn’t even know me that well...he just...I just always felt like he just wanted me to be ok...like that was what was important to him.”

“Believe me...he’s done that for me for years...he’s always been easy to talk to. I used to feel bad whenever I unloaded on him...then one day he told me that I never had to feel bad about talking to him...about anything...that he’d always listen...always be there for me if I needed him. Heh, did he ever tell you...god, haha...did he ever tell you that I was his first kiss?”

“What?! No...”

“Hehe, yeah...I kissed him...right after he came out to me. God...he meant so much to me...I just...I needed to know whether I could...whether I could be that for him or not. I was kinda sad when I knew I couldn’t...I’d be with him in a heartbeat if I could. Now of course when I did that, he wasn’t taken...hehe.”

“Heh...yeah don’t remind me...”

“Haha, hey it’s ok Ry...you need to stop acting so touchy and guilty too. It was all just alcoholic stupidity...we’re all friends again. ”

“Heh, thanks Justin...that means a lot. I just...I guess I still feel so bad about it all because I knew how bad Chris was still feeling about it. I was so hoping that he’d get over it like Jase did...hell Jase and I were hanging out and we even went out drinking one night a couple months ago...but Chris and I just...we just didn’t get back to where we were.”

“Yeah...it’ll just take a little time. It’s not you, ok? You should know that...Chris just needs to learn to trust himself again.”

It was strange listening to them talk...I didn’t exactly feel like I was awake. It was almost like a dream. All the while I thought I could feel someone’s hand playing with my hair. It was all strangely soothing...especially hearing Justin and Ryan say those things about me. If I was more awake, I probably would have cried. I guess my subconscious just wanted to keep listening a while longer...like it would be the only chance I would ever have to hear what they really thought...as if I didn’t believe it if they told me directly.

“I just hope he can get through this all...”

“He will...we won’t let him fall apart, right?”

“Yeah...hey, should we call Jase?”

“Nah...Jase may actually be part of why he’s bottling things up...he worries about getting Jase upset about anything since they had that one fight.”

“They had a fight?”

“Yeah. This was before...nothing to do with you. It was one of those few occasions where Chris’s sarcasm got a bit out of hand. They made up the next day, but it took Chris almost a week to act normally again because he was so worried about fucking up.”

“Man...he just doesn’t know how to forgive himself, huh?”

“That’s pretty much it. I know there are still things he keeps to himself...even from me. Actually the only person who probably knows everything is his old therapist. She was great...I’ve never seen him open up so much to anyone.”

Dr. Marks...Juliana...she really did know just about everything. For some reason I had felt safe about opening up to her...she was a great person and very easy to talk to, but I think a bigger part of it was that she was only in my life to help me out with my problems. She wasn’t one of my friends...she wasn’t family...she was only there to help me. I felt like I didn’t have to worry about the consequences of her knowing things about me...it was like confession to me. Juliana apparently had a bit of a reputation for being very firm about confidentiality...I had heard that someone actually sued her because she wouldn’t reveal some details about one of her patients to the parents. I guess that’s the best reassurance for secrecy you can hope for...and combined with her personality, she was the ideal confidante.

****

“I think something’s wrong with me, Juliana...I don’t know what’s going on with me...I just...I just feel sad all the time.” I was lying down on the stereotypical red couch with Dr. Marks sitting next to me with a notepad...if not for her personality and demeanor, it would have been a very cold scene...like a page from Freud.

“Chris, nothing is wrong with you. You’ve been through a lot...more than anyone should go through by your age. Now is something in particular making you feel this way? Is everything ok at school? At home?”

“School is fine...just boring. Home...well, I guess everything is fine now...now that he’s gone. But...I don’t know...sometimes I just...I feel like...”

“Like what, Chris?”

“Like...like he’s still there...god, I’m messed up.” It was one of my many visits to see her...right around when my dad went out of my life...for good.

“You’re not...it’s normal to feel like the source of traumatic experiences is still around when it’s not. Is it just a feeling or is there more to it?”

“I...I guess there’s more...I just...god, it makes me feel crazy...I...” I stammered. I felt like I was defective or something for what I was experiencing.

“It’s ok, Chris...just take a deep breath and say what’s on your mind. You’re safe here.”

I took the breath...I held it in, not sure that I wanted to let it out...when it finally came out, I spoke. “I think I hear him...yelling at me...sometimes...sometimes I think I can...I think I can feel...I feel like someone’s hitting me.” My eyes had been closed, but I opened them after I was done talking...Dr. Marks was looking at me, her eyes slightly widened.

“Chris...you’re hearing...and feeling...like he’s actually there?”

“Yeah...not all the time...just sometimes...when I’m alone...when I feel...when I feel like I’m all alone.”

****

I remembered...I remembered having that conversation with her...I was feeling the same way right then. The voice I was hearing...the one putting me down...the one making me feel like I was worthless...the feeling like I had just been punched in the gut...it was him. I was remembering what my father used to say...used to do to me...when I was the only one around...when no one would see or hear...when I was all alone.

My parents’ marriage had been falling apart for years...my mom worked a lot and my dad...well he was a bum for all intents and purposes. He had a master’s degree in ecology or something like that...he had worked for the Department of Natural Resources, but that didn’t last. We never really knew why he was fired...just that he couldn’t hold onto a job for long. Money wasn’t a big problem since my mom was doing so well...he took advantage of that. He’d just take up space...spend money...go off and do whatever he wanted. Whenever my mom confronted him about it...that’s when bad things happened. My brother escaped most of the bad stuff...he had gone off to a boarding school and then to college early...but I was still around. Who could ask for a better punching bag then the weak, little kid that’s always around? I guess he certainly couldn’t have.

At first, it was just verbal...if I ever did anything that he didn’t like. He would just yell at me...tell me that I was worthless...that I was a waste of time...that I was a burden. Looking back on it, it probably shouldn’t have bothered me that much...why would the hollow words of a failure in life bother anyone...but I guess when you’re a kid, simple words have a little more weight, especially when they come from people that are supposed to love you unconditionally. Also, I guess when you hear things enough...you start to wonder if it’s true...then you start to believe them.

Sometimes I wonder if he had a plan behind it all...at first it was just yelling. It seemed like just when I had started to believe him...when I had broken down enough...he escalated. I remember it...I must have been 11...it didn’t really bother me that much anymore...when he yelled at me. When you believe it, it doesn’t bother you as much...you just agree. I guess that he wasn’t satisfied with me acquiescing so easily. I was standing by the door of my room...he stopped yelling...he started to walk out. Then, as he passed me, it happened...I didn’t even see it...I just felt it. My body felt like it was suddenly empty...hollow...I bucked over and grabbed my stomach. I couldn’t breathe...like every last bit of air was knocked out of me. I guess when you’re 11, an adult hitting you in the stomach full force can do a lot...I just lay on the ground...I started crying weakly...physical pain aside, I was hurting.

“Pathetic little shit.” That’s all I heard...before he just walked out and left me there. I don’t know how long I was just lying there, crying to myself. My mom wasn’t home...and I don’t think my dad was there that night...I just fell asleep on the floor...I just wanted to die.

It wasn’t the last time that would happen...far from it. If anything, every subsequent encounter became more violent. Once he broke my nose...I was so scared and out of it that when he actually took me to the doctor, I just nodded in agreement when he said that I had tripped and landed face first. All he said to me on the way home was that if I told anyone...he’d kill me. When I didn’t say anything in response...or even nod...he grabbed my head and jammed me against the car window...I was surprised the window didn’t crack.

After a year or so...I was used to it again. I just accepted that I messed up...that it was all my fault...that I deserved whatever I got. It wasn’t that I didn’t try to be perfect...I did. I did really well in school...it was easy, but I pretended to study all the time...the last thing I wanted was to get beaten for not trying hard enough. I kept the house clean...I started to cook on my own...it was just never enough. I spent as much time as I could at Justin’s house, but I didn’t stay over too long because I knew that would just give him another reason...it would be like I was trying to escape what was coming to me, which would deserve even more punishment.

My mom didn’t know what was going on...until the one time that I just stopped talking. Soon after she divorced my father...she said she had figured it out...and that she was so sorry for not seeing what was going on for so long. I never blamed her...I was just glad that he was gone. The judge issued a restraining order...I never saw or heard from him. But in the months that followed, I didn’t exactly get better.

After many sessions with Dr. Marks and a lot of support from Justin and my own family...oh and a little help from some little blue pills that Dr. Marks prescribed...I started to be “normal” again. Some things lingered...I was always a little too quick to assume blame for anything that I thought I had contributed to going wrong...I was still very reserved...and I tended to bottle up any problems or bad feelings that I had.

And it was happening again...everything started to get more familiar...the voices...the pain...the ever present sadness. I had been through it all before. I guess it’s easy to forget things sometimes when all you want is for it to go away...once it goes away, the memory of it leaves too. I had never told Justin everything...he was always so protective of me that I knew he would fly off the handle if he knew everything. Some things were hard to keep from him...like when he saw bruises or a broken nose...but anything that I could keep from him, I did.

I just didn’t know why I was feeling like that again...I wasn’t being abused...if anything me life was great. I had people who cared about me...people who loved me. But there was one thing...I had messed up...to me, I had royally messed up something that was too important to mess up...I screwed up and it hurt someone I loved. What could deserve punishment more than that? Jase could tell me he was over it and that everything was fine all he wanted...but somewhere in my head, I expected to experience some kind of retribution for it. If that didn’t come from Jase, then my mind had enough stored up to make up for it.

“It’s all my fault...” I whispered. “I keep fucking things up.” I had started to wake up from my comatose state...the memories and realizations fresh in my mind.

“Ace? Ace, are you up?” I could barely see Justin as he spoke to me...I must have been squinting. “Oh, here...you probably need these.” He put my glasses back on my face and he came into focus...at least partially.

“J? What...what’s going...” It was taking a little time for my mind to sort out what I had happened...the memories were all there, but it was all in a jumble.

“Hey...take it easy...it looks like you had a panic attack and passed out. Can you sit up?” I did my best to comply...I was still dizzy, but I managed to sit up and rest against the back of the couch. “Ace, what’s going on...you haven’t done that in...” His voice was full of concern.

“J...I...” I didn’t know how to start...how do you start telling your best friend that you’ve been hiding some mind-ripping trauma from him when all he wanted to do was help? “I’ve really messed up...”

“Hey, hey...Chris, just tell me what’s going on...please. We just want you to be ok. It doesn’t matter what happened...we just want you to get better. You didn’t mess up anything.” He and Ryan were transfixed on me...I felt a bit like a germ under a microscope.

“J...before...I didn’t tell you...I’m sorry. I just couldn’t...”

“Before when? What couldn’t you tell me?” He didn’t sound angry...for which I was thankful...he was just concerned.

“After he left...when I was still down all the time...I was going through more. I...I could still hear him in my head...I still felt like...like he was there. And now...I feel like that again. God...I hurt Jase...I feel like I deserve this...to feel like this...it all just hurts.” I had to pause...I felt like I was coming apart. “J...I don’t know what’s wrong with me...I just feel so bad...”

“Oh god...Ace...you should have told me...god, fuck it.” He practically lunged at me...I braced internally...but he just pulled me into a hug. A wave of relief washed over me...my arms reached out and latched onto him. “Ace...we’ll get you through this, ok? No matter what, we’ll get you through this. Listen to me...you didn’t mess up anything. You don’t deserve to go through hell...it was just a mistake. No one’s going to hurt you like that...I won’t let it happen. Do you understand me?” His voice got firmer and more authoritative...despite the swirling negative feelings that were still in me...I believed him.

“Yeah...I do...”

Then I heard Ryan speak. “Chris? God...I’m sorry...”

“Ry...it’s ok,” I said as I cut him off. “You didn’t know...you couldn’t have known. Thank you...I think I...I really need to have someone see it...I couldn’t just tell anyone. I needed someone to see...you saw it.” Ryan had always been able to tune into my feelings...from the very start. It’s wonderful having friends like that...the ones that can help save you from yourself. Ryan’s hand came to rest on my shoulder...he gave it a little squeeze as I held onto Justin...the turmoil in me started to fade away.

I stayed there a long time...the thoughts in my mind slowly quieting. After a while, there was a peaceful silence...but one thought did peek out in the emptiness...it was new to me. A thought that was like a small candlelight in the dark...no matter how small, no matter how far...it stood out...and I could focus in on it.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore...I don’t need to feel like this anymore...I deserve...I deserve some happiness. Things will be different now...I’ll make them different now.”

It had never quite occurred to me before then that I was a good person...someone that it was good to be around. I guess I needed to hear it...not when it was being said to me, but when I could just hear it...when I could know it was the truth. I so desperately wanted the approval of others...but I couldn’t let myself believe them...I was too caught up in the notion of my own weakness. For the first time in the longest time...I felt like I could move on. I realized that I had made things right again...that facing retribution wasn’t the only way to address my own mistakes.

“I need to talk to Jase...I need to get things back on track with him. I want to get past this...once and for all.”

Justin spoke up. “I’m sure he’ll be glad to...this has gone on too long...and hey, maybe you two will have some awesome make up sex again, haha.”

“Heh...for the last time, you can’t watch, J,” I said with a smirk...I was feeling a little better.

“Aww man...hehe, nice to have you back, Ace.”