From Where I Stand - 4. Chapter 4

There’s something about the feeling of being wrapped up in warmth and coziness that just makes you not want to move. I wasn’t immediately aware of where I was or when it was, but I awoke to a feeling of warmth and security that was flanked by familiarity. I struggled to crack open my eyes and I realized that wasn’t the brightest idea I’d had since I had to close them almost immediately because of the piercing sunlight that was streaming through my window. “Fuck, it’s morning already?” I thought to myself. My brain was moving at the speed of a special Olympic hurdler...no offense, but that’s slow...and it took a few seconds to realize that the warm cozy feeling was coming from Justin’s body cuddled up close behind me. His arm was lying across mine and our hands were even slightly intertwined. I took a moment to take in the feeling of his hand on mine...he had one of those handshakes that caught you off guard because of the force that he unconsciously applied...but at that moment, his powerful grip wasn’t on and all I felt was the warm, smooth contours of his fingers. I could feel his chest slowly and rhythmically pressing into my back as he breathed in deeply. Every so often the light dusting of his chest hair would tickle me and I would just smile at the sensation. A couple minutes later I became aware that I wasn’t actually lying on a pillow...I probably should have realized earlier that pillows don’t move on their own and they typically aren’t made of muscle...somehow Justin’s other arm had made its way under my head and I was resting quite comfortably on his bicep. My brain finally started processing all of my tactile sensations in somewhat real time and it was at that moment that I realized something else...I was undressed...at least I was only wearing my underwear. I could have sworn that I was fully clothed when I lay down for my “nap” the night before. Although, I couldn’t remember being in this particular position when I fell asleep, either. As I mentioned, Justin was a very sound sleeper, but me on the other hand...well, let’s just say waking me up without at least some of my consent would be a task on the lines of parting the sea or raising the dead. Justin had been known to get me undressed if I had fallen asleep before getting that far...god I kept wondering why the hell weren’t we together. The only things we really didn’t do were kiss and have sex...ok so those are big important things for a relationship, but honestly everything else was there. On the other hand, our relationship could also be described as really close brothers or something like that as well...sigh.

“Ace?” I heard Justin whisper in my ear. My smile instantly grew. I really had to figure out where he came up with Ace...

“Hmm...morning Just.” I turned around a little so I could see his face. His eyes were still closed. I grabbed at my glasses on the bed stand and then glanced over at the alarm clock...8 am...eww.

“What time is it?” I heard Justin ask.

“It’s 8.” With that he groaned a bit and pulled me back down so he could resume sleeping comfortably. I just laughed a little at him.

“Come on J, you know you can’t fall back asleep after you’ve waken up in the morning,” I said despite wanting to stay in bed with him forever.

“Grr...but I’m still tired,” he whined as he hugged me closer, making me feel pretty loved as he continued, “and you’re comfy.”

“Heh, yeah well you’re lumpy. Come on man, let’s get up.” I was still tired myself, but I’d rather spend some waking time with my best friend for once.

“Mmm...alright, alright, I’ll get up.” With that he let up his grip on me and started rising. I still don’t know how he can go from sleep to awake that quickly...it took me a good 20 minutes to get to that level of alertness and I was still having a difficult time moving. As I tried to will myself up, I felt Justin grab my hands and pull me up out of bed. “Come on, if I have to get up, so do you.”

“Heh. So um, are you doing ok J?”

He paused for a moment in thought and then smiled. “Yeah...I think I’m good. Thanks Ace.”

“Eh, no problem...besides I was just acting like a body pillow anyway,” I smirked.

“Ha ha. Yeah well, that’s saying a lot. It’s hard to find one that fits well,” he winked at me. I blushed a little and then turned to stretch and yawn. He followed suit and then turned towards the bathroom. He usually used the bathroom first in the morning since I would usually rise later than him. I sat down at my desk and checked my email. It’s a habit...blame my brother. That occupied me for a few minutes and as soon as I closed my Gmail window, my hand drifted to my desk drawer. So I had managed about all of 25 waking minutes not thinking about Jase’s journal. I needed some work on my willpower. He would be calling at some point that day to arrange getting together...ooh I liked the sound of that...getting together with Jase. “Alright, getting ahead of myself,” I mentally chastised. I started to wonder if he’d noticed that his journal was missing...I figured that he probably thought he left it in his locker or something at school and that he would most likely have no clue that I found it. So I thought about what I should do if he asked me about it when he called or when we got together later...lying was probably not a good way to start a relationship...again, a little ahead of myself, but damn I really liked him. I fought with the idea for a little bit, but I decided that if he asked I would tell him I found it...and if he didn’t ask, I’d offer it when we met up. I assumed that he may assume that I read it or at least saw something revealing in it...I have a terrible poker face when I’m nervous.

“Yo Ace, you want the shower?” My concentration broke and I looked to see Justin coming out of the bathroom.

“Huh? Oh yeah, sure.” I managed to squeeze out between my thoughts. I stood up to go to the bathroom.

“Alright that’s it.” Justin moved in between me and the short hall in my room that led to the bathroom. “You have been acting weird since yesterday and you’re gonna tell me what’s up right now.”

Damn. So much for being able to hide stuff from him. Damn his perceptiveness. What to do, what to do...duh, deny it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about J.”

“Chris...please don’t lie to me. You were always bad at it. I didn’t want to play this card, but come on, I can’t lose you too.” He was looking dead in my eyes with that super concerned and a little hurt look that he always used on me when he was...well, super concerned and a little hurt. He was right. I was terrible at lying to him. I was always better at just avoiding the subject, but now wasn’t exactly the opportune moment to try bailing...especially since I actually had to piss really badly right then.

I took a deep breath. “Alright, look, I’m gonna go take a shower and when I get out, we’ll talk ok?” I was hoping that would buy me a little time to think of what I was going to tell him.

He gave me a “you better” look and stepped aside. I practically dove into the bathroom and shut the door. I was feeling a little nauseous. I turned on the shower, stripped down and jumped in under the steaming water. “God, what am I going to do?” I said aloud to the very attentive walls of the shower. If walls could talk, these would have so much material because of me...they could probably write a book and get a best seller...or the critics would shred it because the subject matter would be so pathetic...gah. I kept thinking that now was not a good time to be telling Justin that I was gay...he just lost his girlfriend and he needed his best friend for some emotional support. I knew I shouldn’t be the one asking for some support right then. Unfortunately, he was as stubborn as me...maybe a little more stubborn...and I knew he wouldn’t drop it. On the other hand, one of his ways of coping with his own problems was to deal with other people’s problems...and usually they were my problems since I was just a literal fount of problems. I thought for a moment that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. As the hot water from the shower streamed over me, I started playing out a scenario in my head...

“Alright Ace, what’s bugging you? I’m not gonna let this go you know.”

“Yeah I know...Justin, I need to tell you something.”

“What is it Chris? Are you ok?”

“I’m not sure. Justin...I think...um...I’m...”

“You’re stalling.”

Deep breath. “Ok...Justin, I’m gay.”

I pictured his face as I told him that in my head. Suddenly his eyes flared up and his face contorted. “WHAT?!!”

“Justin, I...”

”Shut up. Just shut the fuck up.”

“Justin...”

“I SAID SHUT UP! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE GAY?! GOD I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING LOOK AT YOU!” With that he stormed out of my room...at least in my head. I guess my imagination had a pension for melodrama...but even that realization didn’t help. I didn’t think that was how he would react, but it was a possibility. I thought about that and I couldn’t even imagine losing him...I would have died on the inside. Hell, the hypothetical situation was already breaking my heart. Just then I heard a loud knock on the bathroom door.

“Chris. Alright enough stalling. Get your ass out here now.”

Perfect timing as always. “Alright, I’m coming out now.” I chuckled a little at the irony of that statement. I shut off the shower and toweled off. I moved to the vanity and took a look at myself. “I hope this is the right thing to do,” I told the reflection. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Justin was sitting on the bed...still in his boxers and a tank top. His head was slumped down and he had his elbows on his knees. He looked up slightly as I walked out of the bathroom. I was in my shorts still and I walked to the dresser to at least put on a t-shirt. After that, I sat down next to him...not too close...and looked tentatively over at him. His eyes rose to meet mine. “Chris, why are you doing this?”

Not exactly the question I was expecting. “Doing what?”

“Hiding things from me. God, I thought we were past this years ago. I thought we didn’t have secrets anymore.” That last one stung. We had promised each other that we wouldn’t keep secrets...at least not forever.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing would come out. I tried a few times. My voice was just stuck. I think Justin picked up on how nervous I was. He scooted a little closer to me and actually took my hand in his and squeezed. I felt a small wave of relief pass from my hand to the rest of my body...it wasn’t much, but it was something.

“Whatever it is, please just tell me. If it’s bothering you this much to keep it from me, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.” He was right about that one. “Come on, I promise you’ll feel better after. I’m not trying to pry or anything, but I can tell this is hurting you.” Score two for Justin. “You know I can’t stand that.”

I felt like my chest was imploding. Tears started forming in my eyes and a few stray drops fell out onto my face. “Promise me something.”

“Anything.” The response was like a reflex to him. And I knew he meant it.

“I’m going to say something and then I’m going to walk out of this room. Please don’t say anything until I’m out of the room. Just wait five minutes before you do anything.”

“Chris...”

“Justin, please.”

He sighed heavily. “Alright. Your move.”

“Ok.” I took a few deep breaths and then I got up. I stood in front of him and leaned against the wall he was facing. “Justin...I’m gay.” I closed my eyes for a second and then started walking towards my bedroom door. I got all of two feet before I felt a hand reach out and grab my arm. I instantly tensed up and shut my eyes. I don’t think I had ever been so terrified in my entire life. I braced internally, expecting Justin to hit me or start yelling at me or something. He pulled me quickly towards him and I couldn’t move a muscle. My eyes were shut up tight and I was too scared to open them and see the look on his face. I kept picturing absolute disgust on it...I felt like I was going to vomit. Then, I felt something I didn’t expect in the slightest...he put his arms around me and directed my head to his shoulder. I felt him squeeze tight and then his own face was at my neck. My skin tingled at the sensation of wet tears rubbing between his face and my neck. I just lost it. My fists balled up and I just grabbed onto him like he was my lifeline and I didn’t think I could ever let go. My eyes cracked open just to let the tears that were building up run free. I felt one of Justin’s hands move up and he started stroking my hair.

“Sshh...it’s ok. It’s ok. Sshh...” He must have said it 50 times before my body stopped convulsing as I cried into his shoulder. I don’t know how long it was, but I started to calm down and the tears ran dry. I started to lose myself in the embrace and I could distantly feel him rubbing my back. Eventually, when he saw I wasn’t crying anymore, he pulled away a little. I looked up and saw his smiling face looking right back at me. “I love you. No matter what.” I think my eyes started to well up again and he quickly started pleading, “no no no. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you cry again. Ah jeez, Ace, please stop crying or I might start up again.” As if I wasn’t touched enough already, the fact that he had been crying too really got to me.

“Sorry. I think I’m done now,” I said very sheepishly. Our long embrace ended as we both backed away a little. He guided me and sat me down on the bed next to him.

“See that wasn’t so bad, right?” I melted a little at the big smile he put up.

“I guess not.” We let silence enter for a moment and then I spoke to break it. “Thank you.”

“Oh don’t thank me yet. I’m not done with you. I just wanted to make sure you knew I still loved you.” Not done with me?

“Heh. I love you too J.”

“So do you feel ok now?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Good.” With that he grabbed me by he shoulders and threw me down on the bed. Before I knew what hit me, he was holding my arms down and straddling me. Could have been a fantasy come true, but I decided that it wasn’t the best time to be thinking about that. “Now what the fuck do think you’re doing keeping this from me until now, huh??!!” He was smiling, but still serious.

“I just didn’t know how to tell you?” It came out more like a question than anything else.

“’Justin, I’m gay’ seems to have worked out well.”

“And I didn’t know when would be a good time.”

“Thirty seconds after you thought of it would have been ideal.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I was just afraid.”

He loosened up a little on his dominating stance and sighed. “Afraid of what? That I wouldn’t take it well? That I would turn on you or something?” He looked a little hurt at the mere thought.

“Justin, I know you care about me, but it still scared me. Everything’s been so great with us. I didn’t want anything to change.” With that he practically fell on me and hugged me close.

“Nothing has changed ok? You’re still my Ace. I’m not gonna treat you or look at you any differently. If anything, there should be even less weirdness between us now...not that there was much before.” I breathed him in as he lay on top of me. It was a very tender moment, but unfortunately I was 17 and my wiring was a bit sensitive. My dick started getting hard and it didn’t go unnoticed. “WOAH! Dude! Haha, well I guess come to think of it I’ve always had that effect on you, heh? Haha,” Justin laughed as he got up slightly. I was blushing so much I thought I was gonna catch on fire. “Aw come on Ace, I have to be able to have a little fun with this right? Haha.”

“Yeah well don’t let it get to your head.”

“Why not? It’s obviously going to yours. OH OH! SCORE ONE FOR JUSTIN!” He proceeded to raise his hands in victory. At that point I got a little bolder and pushed him off me and onto his back on the bed. I then repositioned so that I was holding him down the way he was holding me down a little earlier. “Ooooh. Yeah baby, that’s the way I like it.” He couldn’t get that smug look off of his face.

I just shook my head and let him up. “And here I thought nothing was gonna change,” I joked sarcastically. He moved up to me and gave me another hug.

“I meant it Chris. I hope you believe me about all of this,” he let out, his tone a little more serious and the shit-eating grin gone from his face.

“I know you mean it, J. And I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

“Hey, if there’s one person who’ll always be in your corner, it’s me. Oh! I do have one question for you though, but you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

“Um...ok, shoot.”

“Do you...well...y’know...have you...”

“Ever had feelings for you?” I finished for him.

It was his turn to blush a little. “Um...yeah. Like I said, you don’t have to answer, but I’m kinda curious.”

I took a deep breath. “Of course I have.” I paused for a few seconds. “Justin, I’ve been in love with you since...I don’t even know.”

His face brightened up a little. “Really?”

“Yeah...I hope that’s not too much to take in.”

He took my hands in his. “Ace, I just can’t believe you’d fall for a loser like me.” He gave me a wink and a grin.

Rolling my eyes, I continued, “J, you’re everything I’d ever want in a guy...but there’s this one thing though...”

“What?”

“You like pussy too much.”

“Oh...Haha! Yeah I guess there is that. Look, seriously Chris. I know exactly how I feel about you and...we are perfect for each other. I think everyone knows that much. I just can’t quite meet you halfway as far as how I feel though...” He got a little sullen as he said that. “I wish I could though.”

I think my heart simultaneously melted and fractured. “I wish you could too.” I decided to be a little brave. I took his hands and I leaned down to kiss them. “But I’ll take what I can get. I just want you in my life...always.”

Much to my surprise, he leaned down and returned the gesture to my hands. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re gonna have to do much more than tell me you’re gay to get rid of me.” He stared intently into my eyes. I could sense the distance between us closing as he slowly leaned in. I felt like I was on autopilot. As he neared, my eyes just closed. I could feel my face get warmer as he leaned in. It seemed like an eternity, but I suddenly felt the light brush of his lips against mine. His movements were so slow and fluid...like it was completely natural. I could have sworn that my heart stopped for a moment. I felt him pull away from me and I suddenly felt very cold. I opened my eyes to see his sparkling blues before me. He looked a bit disappointed. “Well, it was worth a shot.”

I smiled a little despite my own disappointment. I leaned back in quickly and placed a very light peck on his lips. “Thanks for trying.” We sat in a semi-comfortable silence for a few minutes.

“I don’t think I could have even thought about trying that with any other guy, Ace.”

“Heh, well I would hope not. Otherwise they’ll come and take your straight card.”

“Ha ha. Yeah. But, it was actually kinda nice though...the kiss.”

“Really?”

“Heh, yeah. It was...comfortable...kinda like everything else we do.”

“I’m glad this isn’t weirding you out too much.”

“Heh, nah. This is nothing. Now, if you had told me that you were a girl once...”

“HA! God I would pay money to see the expression on your face from THAT!”

“Ha ha. Dude, me too. Um...Chris, was that...y’know...your first kiss? I mean, with anyone...”

I thought for a second...it was. “Yeah. I’m glad it was you.”

He chuckled a little. “Me too.” He suddenly grabbed me again and pulled me down on the bed in a semi-hug hold. “I think I could get used to the idea of my best friend being gay.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I would never tell anyone else this...and if you do, I will skin you...but it’s kinda nice being this...well...affectionate with someone. And women take sooo much more effort.”

“HAHA! Yeah well, PDAs were never too hard for us. Well, granted we’ve never kissed before, but whatever.”

“Heh, yeah. Hey, why was this bugging you just these last couple of days? I mean I’ve noticed you a bit down before randomly, but I dunno, this time felt a little different.”

I froze up a little. I debated mentally whether I should tell him about Jase. “Um...how many surprises can you handle in one day?”

“Oh god, don’t tell me you’re pregnant.” I hit him in the arm for that one. “OW! Alright, alright. What’s up?”

“Um...I kinda like someone.” If Justin’s eyes could get any bigger, I would seriously have freaked out right there.

“WHAT?!! WHO??!! SPILL, NOW!” I held back a little and I guess he picked something out from looking in my eyes. “OH MY GOD!! IT’S JASON ISN’T IT?!!”

I was beyond flabbergasted. “How the hell did you know that?”

“Ace, come on, it’s me. It’s unbelievable I didn’t already know you were gay. You think you’d be able to hide who you liked from me for long?”

“Guess not. Well, it’s him, but there’s a complication...”

“What is he straight?”

“No, I’m pretty sure he’s gay, but it’s how I know that’s the problem...” I figured, what the hell, no point in keeping any more secrets from him.

“How do you know he’s gay?”

I got up for a second and reached for my desk. I grabbed Jason’s journal from the drawer and handed it to Justin. “This is how. It’s his journal. He dropped it yesterday.”

“You read it?”

“Accidentally. It fell open and something on the page caught my eye...he wrote something about me.”

“Oh woah. So he likes you?”

“Ok you can quit with the mind reading any time now.”

“Heh, sorry. But seriously, I can read you like a book...except where the pages are stuck together,” he winked.

“Oh ha ha, very funny. So what do you think?”

“Go for it.”

“Really?”

“You like him right?”

“Yeah.”

“And he’s gay and he likes you. What’s the problem?”

“Just never done this before...also it may require a little explaining,” I said as I waved the journal in my hand.

“Hmm...well we’re gonna go hang out with him today right?” I nodded. “Well just give it back to him. You’re sure he likes you right?”

“It said he had a crush on me.”

“That qualifies. Ok then, maybe you should just step up and tell him that you like him. I would like to avoid another freak out session if we could.” We both got a little bit of a laugh from that idea. I guess me sobbing my eyes out was enough for one day.

“You sure I shouldn’t be...well...more subtle?”

“Subtlety has its place...but it takes longer and is more complicated. I think you’d be better off being straightforward. Jason doesn’t strike me as Mr. Dramaqueen.”

“If he did, I wouldn’t like him.”

“Ooo...so you like manly men, huh?” He proceeded to flex his muscles for me. Not that I didn’t appreciate the view, but the pompousness was a bit too much to handle so I tackled him on the bed. After rolling around a bit, I ended up getting pinned again...sigh. “When are you gonna learn?”

“Who said that I didn’t want it like this?” His eyes got really wide. Hehe...score one for Chris. With him a little distracted, I pushed up and managed to flip him over and pin him...he probably let me, but that’s beside the point. “I could get used to this view of you,” I winked at him.

“Oh please. I can always just use my secret weapon.”

“And what’s that?” He lunged up and kissed me...hard. I was butter. Before I could even open my mouth, I was pinned again. “That’s so not fair.”

“Ha ha. Who said I had to play fair? And by the way, I reserve the right to do that whenever I want...even if you have a boyfriend,” he giggled.

“Eh, I can live with that.” He helped me up and we both became aware that we were starving...all that emotional shit and wrestling around took its toll. We migrated downstairs so I could cook some eggs and Justin started making toast. Despite how ordinary of an activity it was, it felt great. I’d told Justin my big secret and here we were...acting completely normal like nothing had happened. Hell I even had my first kiss from him...and second, third, etc... My face started to actually get sore from smiling so much. I don’t think I ever imagined Justin being THAT ok with it. As we sat and chowed down, I heard my cell phone ring in my room. I dashed upstairs just in time to catch the call. “Hello?”

“Oh hey Chris, it’s Jase.”

“Hey Jase. How’s it going?” I was doing my best to sound normal...I may have come across a little excited though.

“Pretty good. So, are you and Justin up for hanging out today?”

“You bet. We were just eating breakfast now.”

“Oh cool. How about we try to meet up in town for lunch at like 12:30? Sound ok?”

“Yeah sounds good. Where at?”

“Um...how bout Quincy Market? There are a bunch of places around there.”

“Sure, I’ll give you a call when we’re there.”

“Ok sounds good. I’ll track down Paul. See you then!” He sounded a little excited too...or maybe it was just my brain trying to make me think he was excited too.

“Yup later.” I quickly saved his number and ran back to Justin.

“Was that Jason?”

“Yeah. We’re meeting up at Quincy Market at 12:30.”

“Ok cool. So did he ask about the journal?”

“Nope. I’ll just bring it along. He may not have noticed it gone yet.”

“How did he sound? Excited?”

“I think so...but it may have just been me.”

“I bet he’s thinking of ways to seduce you.”

“Ha! Yeah right.” We finished up our breakfast and went back upstairs to get dressed. Ironically, Justin ended up picking out clothes for me...I thought I was supposed to be the gay one. However I couldn’t argue...his choices were pretty good. He settled on one of his blue shirts that was ribbed and a little stretchy...it hugged my body pretty well despite it being Justin’s, who has a few inches on me in almost every dimension except his waist. I pulled on a pair of my boot cut jeans and fixed my hair...god I was nervous. When I was satisfied I looked decent, Justin gave me a once over and gave his stamp of approval.

“You’ll knock him dead Ace.”

“Heh...thanks J.” It would take a little while to get into town, so we figured we’d get a head start and maybe wander around a little first before meeting up with Jase and Paul. The T was pretty empty when we got on...we actually got a whole car to ourselves. Along the ride I got a little sleepy and I ended up falling asleep on Justin’s shoulder. He put an arm around me as I slept and I felt ready to take on the world...