From Where I Stand - 18. Chapter 18

“Where the hell is that thing?” I said aloud as I dove headfirst into a box of my old stuff. Not that anyone was there to listen to me, but that doesn’t stop crazy people from talking to themselves. The box in question was once at the bottom of a stack of boxes that were sitting in my closet at home...the boxes that were formerly on top were at that point scattered around my room as I had already searched through them. Whoever decided that the last place you look is where you’ll find what you were looking for was an ass.

Now, I probably shouldn’t have been sitting at home, digging through old boxes right then...I had homework to do and I probably should have been spending any free time I had up at Harvard...the whole not wasting opportunities thing...but I just had to find it. On my 10th birthday, Justin had given me a combination sketchbook and photo album. It was a very thoughtful gift and I wasted no time in filling it up. He told me that he had noticed that I liked to draw from photographs on occasion...not necessarily reproducing the photos, but just to use them as inspiration...so he had hunted around for a few days to find me the gift. I swear, for months I wouldn’t be caught dead without it. It was just smaller than a regular notebook and about twice as thick, so it wasn’t too difficult keeping it with me...pre-laptop age. Also, it made Justin smile when he saw me using it...or even that I had it with me.

When I had filled every page of the thing, I decided to try to preserve it for later, so I wrapped it up in packing paper and put it in a box with other stuff that I wanted to keep. Over the years, I had accumulated a few boxes and when I was that young, taking inventory hadn’t quite occurred to me. After searching through all of the boxes, it dawned on me that the book should be in the bottom box since it was the oldest...now too bad that didn’t dawn on me before I started looking.

And of course, there it was, wrapped up nicely at the bottom of the last box. I felt a little giddy upon seeing it...I was even smiling. Brief as that moment may have been, it was a nice departure from the somber mood I had been in.

Justin had been pretty shaken up about the prospect of moving...understandably so. Hell, it had shaken me up too. He had calmed down a little after spending the night, but that was short-lived. After an hour talk/argument with his parents, it became readily evident...they were moving and that was that. Justin’s dad had gotten a new job with a company started by some of his old college friends...it was apparently a major step up career and pay wise, so that much made sense. Unfortunately, the new job was in Hartford. Now, it could have been much worse...I mean, everything in the Northeast is relatively close by...but it was still a bit of a blow. When you’ve had your best friend live across the street...and frequently stay in the same room... for a decade or so, you get a bit used to it.

I began to carefully unwrap the book as I sat on my bed. Every touch seemed to bring back memories. When the book itself was finally revealed...the first time in about 3 years...I had to pause. The cover had a see-through plastic pocket...the kind for photographs and such...but on mine, there wasn’t a photo. The pocket had something else in it.

When I was 7, my great aunt had given a jade pendant for Chinese New Year. It quickly became one of my favorite accessories...I guess I was a little gay, even back then. I wore it every day on a black leather cord around my neck. The pendant was elliptical, small, about the size of a quarter, and was carved with the design of a dragon wrapped around some kind of fruit tree...the design was very tasteful and subtle, part of why I loved it so much.

Now I had noticed early on that the stone had a small white fracture line going through the middle. It wasn’t unusual for jade pieces to have such things and I thought it gave it a little character. Unfortunately, it was a weak spot in the piece. I was always very careful with it, but being careful doesn’t always cut it. I had a habit of taking it off every night and putting it on my dresser, but one night I had left it on my sink top after washing it. Justin was over that night and while I was sitting at my desk doing something, I suddenly heard something in the bathroom fall...and shatter.

****

“Oh my god...” Justin’s voice was a little muffled through the closed door of the bathroom, but it conveyed plenty.

“Justin? What’s going on?” I called to him from my desk. It hadn’t clicked that the sound I heard was my necklace...after all, if it wasn’t on my neck, it was usually on my dresser. I thought that maybe he had dropped his glasses or something...later on he got contacts and almost never wore his glasses since his vision wasn’t nearly as bad as mine.

“Um...Chris...” A few seconds later, he emerged from the bathroom...he was scared shitless. I couldn’t figure out why until I saw he had something in his hand...it was my jade pendant...in two pieces. “I’m so sorry...I just...I didn’t see it and I knocked it off the sink top...it was an accident...god I’m so sorry!” He was tearing up a bit and shaking slightly.

I was speechless...I wasn’t mad at him or anything, but I was shocked. I slowly reached out and took the pieces from his hand so I could examine it. It had split right on the fracture line, almost perfectly in half. In fact, the small hole where a gold ring was held so you could put the whole thing on a string had split open...the gold ring had fallen out. I stood there for a few seconds more before I snapped out of it and took in how bad Justin was feeling. I smiled at him...a bit weakly, but that was the best I could mange.

“J, it’s ok. Things happen. I’m not mad, ok?”

He looked at me in disbelief. “Really? I mean...you wear it every day...and I always see you checking for it.”

“J, really, it’s ok. I shouldn’t have left it there anyway. It’s not like you broke it on purpose.”

“Um...I don’t suppose there’s a way to fix it?”

“Probably not...it’s a rock after all. I think I’ll keep it though...” It occurred to me then that I had a spot for it. I smirked, grabbed Justin’s hand and went over to my desk. I opened the drawer and pulled out the photo-sketchbook. The front pocket had always been empty because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to put there. It was a tight fit, but the 2 pieces slid into the pocket, the tension from the plastic holding them in place. I held it back a little to give it a look over...and it looked cool. Justin even smiled a little.

My mom noticed when I wasn’t wearing my necklace anymore a couple days later...Justin happened to be there and confessed before I could say anything. I showed my mom the book with the pieces in the cover...she thought it was a good idea.

“Just like you two...always together,” she remarked.

****

The pieces of the pendant hadn’t moved since the day I put them in the pocket. You had to look closely to see that it was even broken...I arranged the pieces so they were fitting together pretty tightly. I ran my fingers over the plastic, feeling the bumps from the stone underneath. After lingering a little longer, I finally opened the book and started paging through it.

I had all sorts of photos and drawings in it, but the ones that made me look twice were the pictures of me and Justin. There were a lot of them too...we always seemed to have a camera handy when we went off to do things. When the pictures got developed, we would always get 2 copies...my copy always went into the book until the day it was full.

The last picture in the book was very special to me. It was a photo of me and Justin after our first day of high school...we felt like it was worth remembering. We were leaning against the front doors of the school, arms around each other’s shoulders, smiling widely. I hadn’t smiled much that day...I spent most of the day worrying. I guess I bought into it...that high school was a big deal. I just didn’t want things to change.

****

“Come on, Ace, it’s gonna be fun. You were like this when we started middle school, too.”

“I hope you’re right.” High school just embodied so many things that I was afraid of...most of all, I was afraid I was gonna lose Justin.

“Hey, don’t worry so much. Besides, I’ll be right here with you the whole time. So you’ve got nothing to worry about, right? Come on, buddy, let’s get this show on the road.”

****

At that moment, I questioned what he said. Despite his reassurance, I was still worried. Justin had already started drifting away in some respects...or rather he was moving on and I wasn’t. He was getting involved in athletics, paying more attention to girls, and just in general getting more interested in trying all the new things that high school was supposed to offer. I just didn’t feel like I could follow. It was already becoming abundantly clear to me that I was gay...of course it took a little longer for me to accept that. Back then, I wanted nothing more than to be like every other boy...rather, I wanted to be just like Justin.

He spent every moment he could that day trying to cheer me up or to make sure I was doing ok. From that day forward, people knew how close we were...it became a common sight, Justin watching over me. If anything, it got Justin a few girls...apparently they thought it was cute and on top of Justin’s other qualities, it made him even more desirable. But I knew he didn’t do it for that...I never asked him to look after me or anything like that...he just did it. There were even nights that he thought I wasn’t doing so well, so he forwent any other activity, be it a date or whatever, to just hang out with me.

For the longest time, I had wondered about our friendship. One thing that always got me was that I never saw any other people who were friends quite like us. Years later, my mom told me, in an understated way, that it was just God balancing things out...my father was no good for my life, and my mother and brother were gone a lot. It only made sense that there would be others to be there for me...it just so happened that there was only one person that was there for me...a lot.

As I sat on my bed thinking about it, I realized...things were changing. My life was in a good place. I had a lot more friends that cared about me...and I had a boyfriend who loved me.

“So maybe God is balancing things out again,” I thought to myself. Perhaps the price to pay for all the good things that had happened...was for me to lose Justin’s omnipresence in my life. I knew it wasn’t the first time in history that someone’s best friend moved away, but that wasn’t much solace. Like any other teenager, I just questioned why it was happening to me...and on some other level, to Justin.

As far as our relationship went, I always felt like he did more for me than vice versa. Justin never said that...on the contrary, he always told me how much I meant to him and that he didn’t know if he would get through things without me. Still, I always wanted to do more for him...help any way I could. But I didn’t know how I would help in that situation...I felt helpless.

As I ran my fingers over the pages of pictures, I heard my doorbell ring. A little disoriented, I got off my bed and walked down the stairs to the front door to open it. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw a familiar face in front of me.

“Hey babe.” I didn’t even respond...I just leaped forward and into Jase’s arms.

“How did you know I was here?” That was a good question too...I didn’t really tell anyone where I was going.

“Justin told me. He said he couldn’t get away just yet, so if I could, I should stop by.” Of course, how did Justin know I was there? He must have been at home and noticed the lights on or something. He always seemed to know if I was home. “So what’s going on? He didn’t really tell me anything else.”

I ushered Jase inside and closed the door. “Justin’s family is moving.”

Jase’s eyes opened wide. “Aw babe...I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok...it was just kinda sudden.”

“When? And Where?”

“To Hartford...and they aren’t sure when yet. It’s going to be before the end of the year though.”

“Is Justin doing ok?”

“He was upset, but I think he’s doing a bit better.” We were walking up the stairs towards my room...the first time in a while that we had done that.

“Well, how are you taking it?” We sat down on my bed...Jase wrapped his arms around me as I leaned back into him.

“I think I’m ok...it’s just...I guess it just caught me completely off guard.”

“That’s understandable.”

“I guess I didn’t think I’d lose him just yet...I wasn’t ready.”

“Chris, you’re not losing him...I mean Hartford isn’t that far away.”

“I know...but it’s gonna be different.” I looked over at my bedroom window...the window that faced Justin’s window. Jase’s gaze followed mine. “I won’t be able to sit here and look over there...it won’t be his window anymore. Every time I’ve looked over there for 11 years, it’s been his window that I was looking at. I mean, I knew we’d be going to college, possibly to different schools and all, but when I came home, I always thought he’d always be right there...and now he won’t be.” I turned around slightly to meet Jase’s face. “And now I’m worrying about the same thing with you.”

“Aww...babe, I’m not moving.”

“I know...I guess this has just made me think...about how nonpermanent things are.” Jase just smiled and leaned in...a nice, sweet, short peck on the lips.

“I love you...I’ll always love you. Even if I move...even if you move...even if we break up...and especially if we get to grow old together...I’ll love you. And babe...he loves you too. A little distance is not gonna hurt what you two have.” It was nice being so young...at that point in life where you could believe that love was eternal. Of course whether or not it is eternal is still up for debate. Jase wasn’t done with the sagely words though. “Besides, I came to terms with it long ago...that as long as I was with you, Justin would be right there. Luckily, I like him too...otherwise we may have problems, hehe.”

“Heh...I was so glad when you two got along. I mean, if I knew what I know now, it wouldn’t have mattered...but I think if he didn’t like you...”

“Babe, I know...it’s ok. Hehe, I guess we lucked out.”

“We seem to do that a lot.”

“Hey, if that’s what fate has for us, I’ll take it...pretty good deal in my opinion.”

“No complaints here.”

“So...you should probably spend some more time with him. I know you think that he’s always the strong one, but he needs you too. I bet you were the first person he thought of when he found out about this.”

“He called me right after and spent the night at the apartment.”

“Heh, see?”

“I just don’t know Jase...I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this any better. I mean, I’m feeling pretty shitty about this too and I’m worried I’ll just make it worse by being like this around him.”

“So maybe you two should just spend some time together and do...well, whatever you two do. Don’t focus on him moving...just be with him. I’m sure that’ll make him feel better more than anything.”

“Well, I’d give Becks a little credit about making him feel good.”

“Ew. I so didn’t need to hear that.”

“Heh, well it popped into my head, so I thought I’d share, hehe.”

“Haha. Hey,” Jase started as his gaze drifted down. “What’s that?” My own gaze drifted down...he was looking at the photo-sketchbook. I picked it up and handed it to him.

“Justin gave me this a long time ago...it’s full of photos and drawings...a lot of the two of us.”

“Aww...and here I thought our journal was the first thing like that, haha. So what’s this?” Jase was pointing to the jade pendant on the cover.

“It’s a jade necklace pendant my great aunt gave to me...and Justin accidentally broke it one day...split almost perfectly in half. I’ve kept it in here ever since.” I took the book back for a moment and fiddled with the cover...I took the pieces of the pendant out for the first time since I put them in there. I placed the two halves in Jase’s hand.

“I’m guessing you didn’t even get mad at him.”

“Not even for a second.” Jase just chuckled and went back to examining the pieces.

“Y’know...maybe you should give this to him.”

“Huh?”

“Well, you could get the two pieces made into two pendants probably...” I made a mental tally mark on the list of how many plainly obvious things I hadn’t thought of...but Jase did.

“Have I mentioned that I love you?”

“Oohhh...” He checked the clock. “Not in like 5 minutes or so.”

I leaned in and kissed him. “I love you.”

“Hehe, so I take it you like the idea?”

“I’m gonna go hunt for some craft stuff tomorrow so I can make ‘em. I should be able to...like...wrap some wire or something around each one?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

I quickly kissed his forehead. “And I just love that brain of yours, too.” Then the evil ideas started to pop into my head. “You don’t have to be anywhere for a while, do you?”

Jase got a devilish grin of his own. “I think I may have an idea of how to pass some time...” He carefully placed the book and the pendant pieces on my desk...along with my glasses...and gently pushed me down on my bed.

“Actually I was thinking about going to catch a movie or som...” My attempt at a sarcastic quip got cut off as he pressed his lips into mine. I smiled internally as I felt one strong hand work its way under my shirt white another ran through my hair.

“Y’know, one of these days I’ll just go along with one of those sarcastic suggestions of yours.”

I lightly grabbed his hair. “Shut up and kiss me.”

“Hehe, yes sir.”

****

As much as I loved Boston, there were times that the place just pissed me off...and more often than not, those times involved the Red Sox. Now I was never much of a baseball guy, but since it was hazardous for your health to be a Yankees fan in Boston, I opted for the Red Sox if I was ever asked about my team preferences. I was also careful not to wear anything strictly black and white...a little red went a long way. However, the Red Sox managed to generate plenty of headaches...and various other kinds of aches...for me when they had games. Since I relied on the T for transportation most of the time, whenever there was a Red Sox game, I was often one of those unfortunate souls trapped underground in the hot, humid subway stations waiting around for a train...and there were literally hundreds of people traveling all at once. My luck being what it was, I of course got caught in Park Street right after a game had let out...if I had half a brain, I would have just left the station and done something else for a couple hours before attempting to travel again...but I was late.

That week I had been running around a whole lot. After my talk with Jase, I was utterly determined to spend as much time as possible with Justin. His parents hadn’t quite figured out when the move was going to be, but I didn’t want to chance anything by waiting to spend time with him. So that evening, we had arranged a get-together...just a few people Justin considered close friends and important to him...so me, Becks, Jase, Adam and Andy. I wanted to try making it a surprise, but that didn’t happen...I guess I wasn’t subtle enough when I asked Justin as discreetly as I could about whom to invite. He immediately saw through it, thanked me for the effort and said a get-together sounded great. Now of course, I had cut things a little tight, so I was running late...it was the weekend, but I had to have a project meeting for my astronomy class...pain in the ass.

Oh and to top it all off...I had planned the shindig...so of course fate demanded that I be late to the thing I planned. I did however get a reservation at the Cheesecake Factory ahead of time and made sure everyone knew about that part so they could all sit down without having to wait around for me. Inviting everyone was a bit fun too...and I got to have a “special” conversation with Andy when I invited him.

****

I explained to Andy the circumstances over the phone. He and Justin were pretty tight, but Justin had decided to hold off and telling people in general until I brought up the party idea.

“So I’m trying to get kind of a not quite going away yet, but we know it’s gonna happen at some point party for Justin. Are you gonna be around this weekend?”

“Yeah definitely. This sounds great, Chris.”

“Ok cool. Justin will be glad that you are coming.”

“No surprise?”

“He saw right through it.”

“Haha...you two, I just don’t get it. So who else is coming?”

“Um, so far I think it’s just me, you, Adam, Becks and Jase.”

“Jase...”

“Oh, Jason Coleson...soccer goalie?”

“Oh right, right. Yeah dude, you two were hanging out a lot this last year...we all thought you and Just had a fight or something when you disappeared, haha.”

“Heh, nah...just...um...” I wasn’t prepared with an especially eloquent way to describe my relationship with Jase without outing both of us.

“Hah, what are you two going out or something? Haha.” I think I let the silence linger maybe a second too long. “OH! Oh man, sorry...um, are you? Ok dude, it’s completely cool if you are...but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to...ah jeez, I suck at this sort of thing, haha.”

Well, at least he was laughing. “Heh, yeah...um, we are...just...we didn’t want to make it public knowledge at school.”

“Oh hey, no problem, my lips are sealed. So I’m guessing Justin knows already, right? I mean, if you didn’t tell him something like this, I think he’d have a fit, haha.”

“Heh, yeah probably. He knows though.”

“Haha, I knew it. So wow...this is kinda cool. Um, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re definitely the first gay guy I’ve met at school that I haven’t subconsciously wanted to strangle...”

“HA! Thanks Andy...means a lot. And yeah...I kinda have the same feelings.” We had a couple of openly gay guys at school...of course, there was no point in them trying to hide the fact that they were gay because...well, let’s just say they were so flaming that you could light a cigar off of them. In any case, I often felt like choking the effeminate life out of them. Actually, one of the reasons Jase and I didn’t want to come out was so that we wouldn’t be connected in any way to those annoying members of the species...we both liked the fact that we were pretty much straight-acting with very few of the less desirable traits of the stereotypical gay guy.

“I kinda thought you might. Well, you and Jason seem good together.”

“Thanks man.”

“Hey, I gotta run, but give me the details later for this weekend, k?”

“You got it. Later Andy.”

“Later.”

****

Now Jase got a little scared at first when I told him that Andy knew, but he got better after a little explanation. I also let Adam know that he was still safe if he didn’t want to let anyone else in on him...he was on track with Andy, so the interaction between the two would be different than the interaction Jase and I had with Andy. Fumbling around with everyone’s secrets was only a slight headache at the time, so I didn’t mind too much. It was just nice to be up at summer school without having to worry...or when I was just around my friends.

When I finally dragged my ass into the Cheesecake Factory, everyone was already there. After the usual jeers about being late to my own party or something like that, we all got down to ordering food and hanging out. The atmosphere was nice, friendly and comfortable...lots of smiles, laughs and plenty of fond memories to go around. Most importantly, Justin seemed to be enjoying it a lot.

During the planning stages, I had told everyone to get a gift or something...didn’t have to be fancy or anything...just something. In fact, I encouraged comic relief gifts just to keep the seriousness down a bit...partially because I was giving him something very sentimental and there were a few too many queers at the table to guarantee no tears...hehe. Becks took the crown for the comic gift...a toy stuffed dog that you can strap onto your leg...and it humps your leg while making very loud noises. Then it was my turn.

“So whatcha get me, Ace? Hehe.” I just sort of sheepishly handed him a small box. Jase smiled knowingly at me while everyone else was focused in on Justin.

“Well at least it’s not an engagement ring...they’re already married, haha,” Andy joked, which kept the mood light.

Justin largely ignored everyone as he opened the box. The lid came off and revealed the gift...half of the jade pendant. Per Jase’s suggestion, I had made two separate necklaces out of the pieces by wrapping some jewelry wire in a couple loops around each piece and attaching them to black leather cords. Justin’s half clearly showed the dragon’s head pattern while my half showed more of the tree. I felt like it was an appropriate split.

“Ace...” Now we were sitting around a circular table and Justin had Becks and Andy on either side of him with me on the opposite side of the table. After muttering something very quietly, Justin got up, came around to where I was sitting, pulled me out of my chair and embraced me...very tight. Most of the time when I make noises like I can’t breathe when people hug me, I’m just kidding around...but Justin was actually hugging me so hard that it was interfering with my breathing.

“Uh...Just...can’t...breathe...” I squeezed out.

“Huh? Oh, sorry Ace...” Justin let up his grip, but I kept holding onto him. We heard everyone laughing and going “aww” in the background, but I certainly didn’t care. The cute moment lasted a little longer, but we eventually separated. Adam ceded the seat next to me temporarily so Justin could sit there. “Ace...are you sure? I mean...I don’t know if I can...”

“J, it’s yours...it has been since that day. Except now you can wear it without getting cut, hehe.” I had put some clear epoxy on the broken sides on both pieces so we could wear them without scratching up against the sharp edges.

“Thank you...” Another hug...sigh. “Here, help me put it on.” I smiled and helped tie the cord around Justin’s neck.

The rest of the evening was great. Afterwards, we all walked down to the T together so everyone could go where they had to go. We were all still chatting up a storm, but as we walked down the street before we hit the station, Justin pulled me aside as the rest of the group walked on a bit ahead.

“Ace...thanks for doing this.”

“You’re welcome. I’m just glad you had a good time.”

“Yeah...that was so great. Hey,” Justin paused a moment to put his arm around me, gently leaning his head onto mine. “So where’s the other half?” I smiled and pulled out the other necklace from my pocket. “Are you not gonna wear it?”

“Not yet...I’m not ready to.”

“Do you want me to wait, too?”

“No, no, it’s not that...I just...I feel like it means, at least for me, that you’ll be gone soon. I’m not ready to deal with that just yet...I just wanna...”

“Be us?”

“Heh, yeah.”

“Well, sounds like a plan to me.”

As we kept walking on there, I tried to soak up every moment that I was spending with him. I didn’t know how long I had at that point...there were just a lot of inevitabilities that were becoming clear to me. The days of having my best friend across the street were closing. Justin had pushed me a lot over that year...he wanted me to meet new people, make new friends, do new things...and I had done a lot of it just because he asked. I couldn’t help but think that he knew...that I couldn’t just go through life with him being the only person in my life...that one day things would change and our little duo would be split up. Jase turned around for a moment the group walked ahead of us...smiling as Justin and I walked along, side by side. I was sad, but not as much as I thought I would be. If I had gotten the news a year earlier, I probably would have lost it completely...but right then, I had at least a little faith that everything was going to turn out ok. The landscape felt like it was shifting around me...but there seemed to be a few fixed points that I could focus on...so I didn’t fall down.

*****