From Where I Stand - 7. Chapter 7

Life was just great for a while...but as always it didn’t last. And when it came to my life, shit tended to hit the fan in large quantities all at once. It was very unfortunate that I didn’t exactly have the best stress coping skills in existence.

My first round of exams had passed by without giving me too much trouble. I was lucky enough to be able to stagger studying for my own tests and doing reviews and tutoring for everyone else. After the bulk of the exams had concluded, everyone at school took the opportunity to take a bit of a breather. I was looking forward to joining in on the downtime, but it seemed that the universe had other plans for me.

It was a Wednesday morning...one of the days that I had my art class. I fully expected to go in there and do some no-brainer drawing or painting assignment...something that required little effort and thankfully no brainpower. The teacher took a few minutes to explain the assignment...it consisted of finding some interesting scene or sight around the school or at home and portraying it in a meaningful manner or something like that. After he finished, the class started working or they got passes to wander around the school for a little to find subject matter. I sat in my seat trying to decide what the simplest thing I could do was, but in the middle of my thoughts, the teacher called my name. A bit puzzled and a little annoyed that my brainstorming was interrupted, I went up to the teacher’s desk.

“Yes, Mr. Harris?”

“Ah Chris. I wanted to talk to you about something. I’ve been noticing something with your work lately.”

“Oh? Nothing bad I hope.”

“No not bad, but it does strike me as something.”

“And what’s that?”

“Beneath your abilities.”

“Excuse me?”

“Chris, you are a very talented artist and from everything you’ve done so far this semester, I can tell you’re holding back. It’s almost like you’re intentionally not challenging yourself.”

Damn he was on to me. “Um, I’ve just been going with whatever comes to me for each assignment. I try to make sure it’s good work.”

“Oh everything is good work, but like I said, you’re not challenging yourself at all. I know very well you can tackle more difficult subject matter or explore more diverse compositions. Now for this assignment, there are a few things I want to see from you since I know you have the ability.”

I didn’t like the sound of that at all. “Ok...what would those be?”

“First of all, I want you to have people in your piece...and I want you to do at least two faces in detail. Secondly, I want at least part of the composition in color. It doesn’t have to be full color, but you tend to do everything in black and white and I think you should explore beyond that. And lastly I want you to do at least two compositions and they should compliment each other in such a way that they can be displayed together.”

I could feel the fibers holding my eyes in place starting to snap as I stared at him. “Mr. Harris, that’s a ton of work. You only gave us a week to do this. I can’t possibly do anything like that in a week.”

“Well then you have two weeks. Since I’m asking you to do something special, we’ll just roll this assignment in with the next one. Well, get to it and I want to see your progress at each class.”

I walked back to my seat and closed my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. Art was supposed to be my nice easy class that I didn’t have to do any serious work in. I always had a knack for drawing and painting, so the assignments were usually a cinch, but this was a bit different. For one, I hated drawing people...especially faces. I was told that I was pretty good, but whenever I did faces, they always bugged the hell out of me because I thought they looked weird or off in some way...and I could never get it to my liking. And to seal the deal, I hated doing things in color. Not only was it easier to do things in black and white, but I felt like color detracted from artwork a lot of the time...or people used it as a crutch to cover up their lack of attention to detail or proper composition. My head started throbbing at the thought of having to do this project...for simple assignments, I could always squeeze out pretty good work, but for what Mr. Harris was asking for, I would actually have to be creative and think a lot about it all. That didn’t always work for me...I did real artwork in spurts and I would get “artist’s block” quite often...time constraints didn’t work for me when it came to real art. Mr. Harris seemed pretty serious and I wasn’t about to risk not getting an A in the class, so I started thinking about what I could do for the project. I spent most of the class period doodling to try and come up with ideas, but I was drawing a blank...figuratively...I had drawn dozens of things, but nothing to my liking.

After class I was heading down to the lunchroom, but before I got there, I heard someone call my name in the hallway. I turned around and saw Ms. Lawson waving at me. Ms. Lawson was the coordinator for the school’s peer tutoring program...something I was pretty involved in.

“Chris! Glad I caught you. Are you busy this period?”

“Um...I was on the way to lunch.”

“Oh, well I have a student in the tutoring center who needs some quick help with some math and I can’t seem to track down any other math tutors right now. Do you think you could spare 15 minutes?”

Gah...I was starving. Lunch was 30 minutes so I figured it wouldn’t hurt too much and I hated abandoning people. “Uh, sure. 15 minutes right?”

“Yup. Alright let’s go.”

As we entered the tutoring center, I was greeted by about 20 pairs of eyes. I was positive Ms. Lawson said “A” student...as in one...I prayed that the other students had other tutors to help them and that they weren’t there for math or science.

“Oh well Chris it looks like we picked up a few extra people who need help with...what is it...a couple pre-calculus problems. It shouldn’t take too long.” She practically pushed me to a table with 6 students who all had precalc books out.

“Um...hey guys, so what’s the problem?” The next thing I knew, lunch was 5 minutes from being over and I was just getting done explaining how to do the problems in question. The process probably would have taken 15 minutes normally, but one student kept mixing up some trig identities and confusing the rest of the group...me included since it had been a year since I memorized those damn things.

I groaned audibly as I was leaving the tutoring center...I was famished. Luckily I just had a study hall immediately after lunch that was reserved for helping out general chem...where I wasn’t needed that day...thank God. I started walking down to the lunchroom for the second lunch period. All of my friends had lunch the first period, so I ate alone off at one the few free tables. I ate quickly and tried to use the rest of the time to relax a bit, but I was to get no solace that day...I heard someone walk up to the table and stop. I opened my eyes and looked up...I instantly regretted it...staring back at me were Lindsay and her boyfriend. That was all I needed that day.

“Hey fag, what are you doing in here?” What a lovely start to a conversation.

“Mind your own business and leave me alone.” I was in no mood to talk to her.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, fag?” Lindsay’s boyfriend elegantly chimed in. I pointed to Lindsay nonchalantly...I didn’t feel any additional effort was necessary. Of course he obviously disagreed and decided to grab my finger and twist it.

“OUCH! What the fuck?!”

“I asked you a question punk. Now answer!”

In retrospect, it probably wasn’t the brightest idea in the world to fuck around with this guy...he was probably a few times my size and not exactly the diplomatic type...but my inner asshole came through...I remembered Lindsay had taken advanced Japanese with me, so I took the liberty to utilize it. “Kisama ni katari to histuyou nado nai.” (Roughly, “You are not even worth my breath, bastard.”) She probably didn’t comprehend much of it, but I’m sure the “kisama” got through loud and clear...yeah we learned how to swear to some extent in class.

As I said, it wasn’t exactly the brightest idea I’ve ever had...within a couple seconds, I had a hand around my throat and I was having a little trouble breathing. After strangling me for a couple more seconds, the oaf let up, smirked at me and proceeded to knock over a cup of water I had on the table...which of course spilled all over my lap. Dumb ass and dumb bitch got a few laughs and walked off at that point. Sighing, I got up quickly and left the lunchroom. After getting a few interesting looks, I made it to the bathroom to wipe myself off a little. I spent the remainder of the period in the library so I could avoid most of the living beings in the school. I took a seat on one of the couches and closed my eyes. Before I could will myself not to, I had fallen asleep.

When I woke up, I quickly freaked out. I checked a clock and it was already 5 p.m.. I looked at my cell phone and noticed I had four missed calls...three from Jase and the last from Justin. I had just missed the remainder of the day and on top of that, I had missed practice. I ran over to my locker and grabbed my things. As I exited the school, I dialed Jase.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jase, it’s me.”

“Chris! Where have you been? You weren’t at lunch and you missed practice. Justin and I were looking all over for you.” He sounded really concerned...it was touching, but I was just annoyed in general.

“Yeah I had a rough day and I fell asleep in the library.”

“Ah shit. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine...just a bad day. Did coach notice me gone?”

“Yeah...he’s probably gonna give you one of his ‘commitment’ speeches tomorrow.”

I sighed at the thought...I seemed to get one of those every once in a while from him. “Oh well, nothing I haven’t heard before. So where are you?”

“I’m at home. Are you still at school?”

“Yeah I’m walking out to the T right now.”

“Ok. Hey, I’ll come meet you at the T ok?”

“Sure. Later.”

I hung up and gave Justin a call.

“WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“Calm down J. I’m heading home right now.”

“Dude Jase and I were looking everywhere for you. He said you didn’t show up to practice.”

“Yeah I fell asleep in the library after lunch...rough day.”

“Oh...man. No wonder you didn’t pick up your phone. I swear they need to make a phone with an electrocute ring just for you.”

“Ha ha. Very funny. Alright I’m getting on the T now. Later.” I didn’t even wait for a response.

I managed to develop a bit of headache on the T ride home...some idiot was blasting music in the car. Of course no one bothered to tell him that he wasn’t supposed to...he didn’t strike me as the type that would listen anyway. I got off at my station and headed outside to walk home. I didn’t see Jase at first, but after looking around for a few seconds, I heard him call from behind me.

“HEY! CHRIS!”

Jase ran up to me and I waited to respond until he was closer. “Hey Jase.”

“Hey! Are you doing ok?”

“Yeah more or less...just one of those days.” We started walking towards my house.

I remembered my mom was still out of town so at least I would have the house to myself for the night. As Jase and I got to my front door, we both heard a door slam from across the street. We turned around to see Justin running up the walkway.

“HEY ACE! What gives?”

“Not now Justin.” I think that gave both Jase and him a bit of a shock...however I wasn’t in the mood to humor anyone. I opened the door and headed straight for my room with Jase and Justin trailing a few steps. I entered my room, threw my things on the ground and just plopped myself face down on the bed. I closed my eyes and started rubbing my temples as I heard Jason and Justin enter the room. I felt two separate movements on the bed as the two sat down next to me.

I felt a hand on my back. “Chris?” It was Jase. “Babe, what’s wrong?”

At that point Justin lay down next to me trying to get a glimpse of my face. “Yeah Ace, what’s going on man?”

“Can we just not talk about this right now? I just had a bad day...let’s just leave it at that.” Looking back on it, I was being a real asshole...two of the most important people in my life were trying to make me feel better and I was just clamming up and basically telling them to buzz off. I felt really out of it and very much not like myself at the time...the day had really gotten to me.

Jase sighed audibly and rubbed my back a little. “Ok, we’ll let it go...for now. Do you want something to eat? We didn’t even see you at lunch.”

“Nah I’m not hungry. I ate during the second lunch hour.”

“Oh...ok.” He sounded a little dejected at my unwillingness to even talk to him.

I wasn’t the only one who noticed. “Um Jase, do you think you could give us a minute?”

Jase didn’t respond right away. I wasn’t looking, but I assumed they were conferring in some manner. “Uh yeah, I’ll be in the kitchen.” He quickly rubbed my back again and then left the room. I heard the door close and lock.

Then out of nowhere I felt myself getting flipped over on the bed. “Alright Chris, WHAT THE FUCK?! Look I know you had a bad day or whatever, but that does NOT mean you can go around being an ass!” Justin looked very pissed...it wasn’t a look I was used to seeing on him...especially directed at me.

“Look, I just don’t want to deal with any of this right now ok? I thought we were just gonna drop this for now.”

“No, Jase said he would drop it...I didn’t. Now look, something is bothering you a LOT...enough that you just blew off and acted like a total ass to your boyfriend and your best friend. So fuck dropping anything. What happened?! Did you get cancer or something?!”

I took a long, deep breath and thought about it. I was being an ass...I did realize that at the time. However, for some reason, I didn’t seem to care that much. I just kept silent.

“CHRIS! DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN OK?!”

“Do what?”

“CLOSE UP TO ME!”

That made me pause for a second and look up at him. Almost instantly a memory triggered in my head...on some day when we were about 12, right before my parents separated, Justin had come over to my house. It didn’t start off an unusual day, but that didn’t last. My mom and dad had gotten into a fight over the phone...my mom was at work and my dad was at home...which was typical since he was a worthless bum. I couldn’t remember everything, but for some reason or maybe no reason at all, he decided to take his frustrations out on me.

****

It was the middle of the afternoon and I was taking a nap or something on the couch...I awoke to the feeling of my dad kicking me in the head. I don’t remember too much that happened right after...just flashes of various points of violence as they occurred. At some point the ordeal had stopped and my dad left. I guess at some point after, Justin had come over and found me. I faintly remember him getting me up to my room and locking the door.

I woke up fully a little after...I remember Justin yelling and screaming at me trying to get me to talk...but I didn’t say a word. I just kept staring at nothing in particular...I remember fighting in my mind to try and say something, but the words just wouldn’t come out. I didn’t talk for two days. When I finally managed to get a word out...Justin had been with me almost continuously...I completely lost it and just broke down.

Not long after that, my parents got separated and my dad was out of my life...permanently. Justin kept pleading with me to tell him what happened. I eventually worked up the stomach to do it...he told me I never needed to close up like that again...that he would help me through whatever happened.

****

I must have been staring at Justin for a few seconds as the memory played out in my mind. I sighed a little and spoke. “Justin, it’s not like that ok? I just had a bad day.”

“How am I supposed to know? Chris, when you shut everyone out like that, I can’t tell what’s up with you. I can’t tell if you’re just tired or if someone hit you. You need to tell me what’s going on when you’re upset like this ok?” I could see tears in his eyes...he had the same tears that day five years before.

“I’m sorry J. I know I just close up like that sometimes...I just don’t feel like dealing with what’s bothering me...and talking to you or anyone means dealing with it.”

“You should deal with it...that’s the point. If you just keep all this shit inside, it’s just gonna build up and then one day you’ll go ballistic...and you’ll hurt the people who love you.”

I was crying a little myself as he said that. “God...I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do this...it’s just...”

“I remember the psychologist saying this was your defense mechanism.”

“Yeah...it really is. Ah damn it...hey, can you get Jase? I’ll talk, I promise, but I don’t want to be shutting him out...he’s too important to me.”

Justin smiled a little. “I’m sure he’ll be glad that you aren’t.”

Justin came back shortly after with Jase...he looked a bit like a beaten puppy...it broke my heart. I got up and went straight to him. I pulled him into a kiss and a long hug. I was apologizing profusely and sobbing a little...I think he let a few tears run out too. After that we sat down and I spilled everything about the shitty day I had...granted in the grand scheme it wasn’t that bad, but I guess Justin wanted to make sure I would talk about stuff, big or small, and not just clam up every time I had a problem. Strangely enough, despite feeling like crap as I went over my bad day, I felt better afterwards. Of course, Justin and Jase both wanted to skin Lindsay and her boyfriend, but I told them not to do anything and that I could take care of myself. It probably didn’t sink it, but I felt like I had to say it...I did feel a little good that the two of them were ready to go hunt down anyone who gave me any shit.

After my spill out, we all had dinner and the two of them helped me come up with some ideas for my monster art project. They even volunteered their faces for the project...which I would take them up on in the future. The rest of the night was spent relaxing and just hanging out. It was really nice and by midnight, I had almost forgotten the shitty day. We all got pretty tired by about 1 a.m. Jason decided to go home since his mother was still bugging him. I kissed him goodnight and apologized again...at least I tried to before he cut me off.

“Stop apologizing. It’s ok as long as you don’t keep your problems bottled up anymore.”

“Heh...I’m trying.”

“Hey, do you have the journal?”

“Um yeah...” I grabbed it out of my bag and handed it to him.

“Ok thanks. Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow ok?” We kissed again and he was off.

Justin decided to stay over that night...I think he was sorta doing a suicide watch on me or something, but I didn’t mind the company at all after getting all my emotional issues out in the open. We did our usual nighttime routine...it had been a while, but it was still like clockwork to us...and soon after we were tucked in my bed.

“Hey Ace...I’m glad you opened up.”

“Me too J. Thanks for reminding me.”

Justin hit the lights and then cuddled up to me. “G’night Ace. Love you.”

I smiled instantly. “Love you too J...g’night.”