Starlight in the Heavens - 10. Chapter 10

Part 10 - Alex

Finality. That was the only thing I could think of to explain what I was seeing. Finality of the dreams that tormented me. Finality of the choice I made with Mandy. It made sense in a way. After all, wasn’t that why I made the choice? To give her son life? But why had it been so important? Why did it have to be me? Because of the dreams, of course. She’d dreamt of the ocean; I’d dreamt of the ocean. She’d dreamt of a swimmer; I’d dreamt of a swimmer. The fates were speaking, and I had to answer. There really hadn’t been much of a choice in the end. Even if it did make me feel like shit. Even if I had hurt the man I loved. No choice.

“Shit.”

The color disappeared as Jenna dropped her hands and closed her eyes with a sigh.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I wish they hadn’t forced themselves into your mind. I understand why they did, but still...”

Just a pawn. They had made me a pawn in the game of life. I could feel the hurt coming, and with it the tears that would soon burn their way out. Joshua had felt it also, because his arms pulled me tighter to his chest as he spoke.

“Why did they, Jo? Why did they force themselves? Why cause Alex to give himself like that?”

“It was not only him, Joshua. You know that don’t you? He could not give himself without also giving you.”

Ah, and here it came. I could feel it in every muscle as he shuddered around me. The tip of the shard within his heart burying itself ever deeper. An agonizing, ripping wound that he’s carried with him, never sharing it, just bearing it alone.

“Yeah. I know. Now you tell us why. You tell us, what was so god damn important that he felt he had to leave me for her? And while you’re at it; why the fuck did she cry once she had him?”

What? She...What? Why? Oh God...What did I do? My heart started pounding. It was as if it was trying to escape, run away. I couldn’t breathe.

“Shh, Alex, baby slow down. Look at me, Alex. Focus. Slow and even, breathe with me.” Joshua whispered into my ear before turning my head to face him.

And in his eyes I could find myself. It didn’t hurt so much when I let myself fall into him. Nothing from before mattered so long as he was with me. Nothing. But still... That was it, wasn’t it? The, but still. The past was here. The past that makes us who we are. Maybe that wasn’t right. It shows us who we are. Yeah, that’s it. We can’t forget the things we’ve done because these are the things that have shown us what we are capable of. They are the things we’ve made our futures from. So now, I need to know.

Reluctant to lose one second in his eyes, I forced myself to look at Jo. It was my choice to go to Mandy and I wanted, no... I needed to know why. I needed to remember.

Jo’s eyes were filled with sorrow and understanding.

“Why? I know it had something to do with the dreams, but I don’t remember them all. Did I hurt her? Is that why she cried?”

Slowly shaking her head, still looking at me with grief in her eyes, she ran the fingertips of one hand along my cheek and jaw.

“It wasn’t only you that made the choice. She knew the loss she would endure. She also knew the pain he would suffer.”

She was up and backing away so suddenly, I could feel an icy emptiness where her hand had just been. Her eyes turned heavenward and her clothes dropped at her feet. Silk covered her, seemed to flow from her skin. It was a part of her skin. All this time, when she was dancing in my dreams, I’d thought it was a dress. But it was her. She began to spin with her head bent back, face to the night sky, and her hair flowed down behind her. It was the dance I’d seen so many times over the last few months. And as in the dreams, her feet lifted from the deck. They came then, the others she’d spoken of. They came and the silk of their bodies entwined, binding them together, and I could hear a gentle sigh in the breeze. I’d never seen anything so beautiful as this dance. But at the same time, I saw something else.

Mandy, alone. Her belly swollen with child, walking along a beach. I don’t recognize it, though I know it is a real place. Now the child is born and she still walks alone as he runs along the edge of the surf. She stops and turns her face to the sky. She sinks down to the sand, watching the boy as he plays in the water. He runs up to her and drops into her lap. Together, they watch the sunset, but she’s still alone.

Jo was at my face once again. Gentle brushing of her fingers, caressed my cheek.

“She will never again feel the warmth of love that comes from joining a soul. She became a mere vessel to bear the chosen child. This was her choice.”

“But why can’t she join with another? Why does she have to be alone?”

Jo moved her hand away from my face and looked up, pointing into the night sky.

“Her love is there, taken before his time. Mandy was one of the few whole souls born to this world. Her mate was another. Together, they were meant to birth the child of temperance. Together, they would have given enough of their souls to make him strong, yet still remain whole themselves.”

“So, when her mate was taken, you needed me because I was more than half?”

“It was more than that. Wasn’t it, Jo?” Joshua’s voice was hard, but not as bitter as it had been. “You needed us. Both of us. That’s why I felt everything, even though I wasn’t there.”

I hated that. I never would have done it if I had known he was going to feel it too. It just wasn’t right. None of it.

“I don’t agree with what they did to you,” Jo said. “I understand, but I don’t believe in manipulating man to bend in this way. Now, instead of the child being protected with your strength, surrounded by love, he is vulnerable, and three have suffered.”

Joshua spoke up again. “But I’m right. They needed both of us.”

Jo nodded, grief still born in her eyes.

“To give him the strength needed, two whole souls were needed. Separate, you were more than half. Together, more than whole. But Alex was the one that could give both. There is no other in the world like him. No other could give his mate with himself.”

“Shit.” I buried my face into Josh’s chest. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

And then the tears came. I drug him with me. I didn’t even talk to him about it, didn’t give him a choice. Be the martyr, do the right thing, make it okay for Mandy. Just drag Josh along for the ride. What a joke. No one like me in the whole world... I bet. How many others would take their lovers and give them away?

“Stop it, Alex. You didn’t know,” Josh said.

I shook my head. “Doesn’t make it right.”

“True, but then, leaving me in the first place wasn’t right. What’s done is done. Now, let’s see if we can take the next steps together. No more going out on your own, okay?”

I still felt like shit but I nodded anyway. I'd never leave him again. I knew that without a doubt.

“Okay. So what now?” Josh asked. “You said you weren’t here to bind our souls, so why are you here?”

"Mandy is dying. We do not know what is happening in her mind, but she has started running. I am here to help you find your son."