Starlight in the Heavens - 19. Chapter 19

Part 19 - Jo

I never understood why the spirits that made up my being never merged completely. The others told me that eventually they would—after I found my future. It didn't make a lot of sense to me since as far as I was aware we appeared when the need for bonding, then protection for lost souls, became paramount to life. Wouldn't that mean I was on the path of my future?

I'd never known any different so the voices I heard in the background were considered normal to me. I'd never had an instance of them disagreeing—until the past week. One voice stood out among all the others, and it made it all but impossible to walk the path set out for those that had come before me. It wasn't because it spoke adversely to the purpose, but more because it caused me to feel things differently. Deep feelings had never been a part of our make-up. We did what was needed to be done in order to protect the life of the world. I don't believe we would even exist if it weren't for the magnitude of suffering of those taken before their time.

The closer we came to Anthony, the more this voice cried out, and my confusion grew. I became aware that I knew next to nothing about the feelings of those I'd bonded. My ignorance of Joshua's pain in his brother's death was proof enough of this truth. It bothered me that I didn't see these kinds of things when I'd been living as a human woman right across the street from him. I'd interacted with him and Alex almost daily from the time they'd helped me move in. I'd seen the pain of the choices made in the past. And I'd come to understand the overwhelming need to be connected while I was near. At least I was able to repair the bond of their souls once I was made aware. But the other pain... I didn't understand it and, if I was to find my future, I desperately needed that understanding.

The voice within almost shouted in my mind when we drew near to Sean's destination so I had no choice but to direct Joshua to him. I didn't, at the time, see the relation of Alex to Sean. But when we came upon them, it was more than clear. I only knew that to meet a couple as strong as TJ and Sean would help all of us. There were things that they could show Joshua and Alex to help them with Anthony.

But in reality, I was more concerned with the turmoil raging inside my own being. I had to speak with Sean. I needed his touch and his gift to see. The voice within demanded it.

***

"The voice you hear is your soul."

My confusion quickly turned to shock. We didn't have souls. We were made up of spirits separated from soul and body.

I stared at Sean, knowing my mouth was open and trying to form words, though no sound came forth. I wanted to explain why what he'd just said made no sense. I wasn't possible.

"It has happened before," Sean said. "There have been others."

I shook my head. Couldn't be. They would have told me. They wouldn't have let me go on without letting me know what they saw. And I knew for certain that they did see. They'd seen that I was not merged, that I was not one. They'd seen it when I couldn't hold form as night descended. I'd thought there was something wrong, but they'd just smiled their placating grins and nodded.

You only need to find your future to make you whole. Their words fell over me as I sat with TJ and Sean. Adrian had left the room to give me privacy. That is what he'd said, after Sean had whispered in his ear on our arrival at their cabin. My mind was so unfocused at the time I merely gave him a nod, not actually hearing his words.

So, here we sat—in the middle of the main room and on the floor—with me facing Sean, who was resting back into TJ's chest. I glanced up into TJ's eyes, and saw a flicker of violet light in his onyx gaze. It was mesmerizing, and I found myself drawn into the deep purple-black depths.

Then I felt a tug at the center of my being, and the voice within sighed. Mustering all my strength, I pulled back from TJ's stare and looked out the window at the darkening sky. I remembered that TJ was a reader—but not of spirits. TJ was a reader of souls. I could no longer dismiss what Sean had said. TJ would not be able to see into me and get an answering sigh if there was no soul to reach.

"You are not the first, Josen. And you will not be the last." Sean rested one hand against my chest while turning my head with the other. I met the blue of a midnight sky as I focused on his eyes. "It is an old soul that refused to leave its spirit to wander. Joining with the spirits that make you, it has stayed still and waited to hear its bonded call."

I blinked and flinched away from his touch. An old soul bonded with another—alone. I felt the tear at the same time as I felt the pain. It was something I'd never, in the all the centuries I'd been aware, had to endure. Hot, sharp, stabbing pain—and I opened my mouth to scream. Then it was calm. Sean's hand pressed hard against my breast, his voice soothing the soul inside.

It was then that I understood why it was so desperate to reach Sean. TJ was a reader. Sean was a healer.

***

Outside, in the night sky, I felt my form move from that of a woman to that of the ones surrounding me. It was in this genderless form that I was usually the most comfortable—but not tonight. It felt wrong somehow, though it was what I was. The pain was gone, the soul quieted, but still... I knew that a choice was being placed before me. I just didn't know what that choice would entail.

"You see your future?" The voices all came at once and with a single thought.

I shook my head. I didn't see it. I didn't know it. How could I?

"But do you understand what the choice is that you must make?"

I nodded, though I hadn't a clue how to make it. The soul within stirred and groaned.

"How?" I asked as I looked heavenward. Starlight shone and moved above, and around me.

"You must let go and let him lead."

His eyes in the mirror. I remembered seeing his eyes looking through her face as I searched the mirror. I remembered his face when the night came and I couldn't hold her form. He had the same mahogany hair and stormy grey eyes, the same fair skin, and though a little taller, he was just as slight of build.

If this was the soul, he'd been taken young. There were times when his face appeared to be older, but most of the instances he appeared, he looked to be barely out of his teens.

"How do I let him lead?"

There was music on the breeze and the distant starlight coalesced before me, revealing one of our eldest. The gentle face in front of me held a tender gaze. It could have been male or female, as we had no gender it didn't matter to make one up. Hair the color of spun gold shimmered in the night and the eyes shone like bright diamonds. The voice rang like silver bells as I was given my answer.

"It is a choice to be made. Open yourself as a flower does its petals, and release him. He is your center. Only choose to let him flow out from within."

I shuddered as I thought about the agony from before and said, "There will be pain."

The elder nodded with a sad smile. "Until he is reunited with his bonded, there will be pain. It is a part of the life in this world. We are spared simply because we do not feel as they do."

My eyes grew wide as I began to assimilate what was being said. If I made this choice, I would no longer be a part of starlight. I would be as he had been—a mortal of the world.

"And if I do not choose to let him lead?" My voice was hardly a whisper.

"He will cease to be, and it will be his bonded that remains in agony."

My feet rested on solid ground and my eyes stared out at the dark sky. For a short time, there was no hint of light. Then one by one, the stars revealed themselves. I'd lived so long with the stars as friends, and now they seemed so far away. But my choice had been made, and I would not regret.

The pain dropped me to my knees when it hit. It came from the core of my being, pushing out like a wind driven flame, until my entire body was engulfed. I could feel the changes as they happened, the light sloughing off and being replaced by fair skin. Where I had been image, only portrayed in the mind, I became solid flesh and bone. I felt the air around me, and though it was warm, it felt cool upon my new form.

I dropped further and curled into a naked, fetal ball, shivering against the rough ground. In my mind, I saw the face of my bonded and began to cry.

I don't know how long I lay there before I was lifted to my feet and wrapped in a soft blanket. Strong arms drew me close and I looked up into deep purple eyes.

"TJ," I whispered and blinked.

"Do I know you?"

I nodded and opened myself to his unwavering gaze—allowing him to read the soul of the one I had become.