Starlight in the Heavens - 7. Chapter 7

Part 7 - Joshua

Alex’s face paled at my words, and instantly, I regretted letting them escape my mouth. For six years, I’d let him believe I didn’t know. I’d watched him so carefully when he came back to me. I’d watched the anguish of his secret tear him apart, and never once told him I knew. I should have. I knew that now, just as I knew it then. We could have talked, we could have mended the pain a long time ago. But for some reason, unknown to me, I just couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him that I had felt every touch of his hand on her skin. I couldn’t tell him that he had taken me with him when he’d gone. I didn’t understand it, couldn’t comprehend the feelings of being one with her to the point that when he touched her, he touched me. But it wasn’t that simple either. It was me touching her. How do you wrap your mind around something so completely, unbelievably insane? I still, to this day, don’t get it.

And now he knew; and the guilt of the act was again burning through his mind.

As I dropped from my chair, onto my knees, and laid my head in his lap, I heard his breath begin to hitch. I rose to his face and brushed away the tears that started.

“I’m sorry, Alex. I should have told you long ago that I knew. Maybe we could have figured out why you felt you had to do it. Maybe then, this thing,” I scratched at my chest, “this shard wouldn’t still be pushing into my heart.”

Alex shook his head, sobbing now, tortured sounds coming out of his mouth.

“I didn’t. I didn’t.”

“Alex, I saw it in your eyes, I saw it from your eyes. I felt her skin beneath your hands while feeling your skin beneath hers. I saw, heard, felt, tasted, smelled everything. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why or how, but I did. You took me with you when you went to her.”

“Noooo.”

Alexs eyes closed tight and his clenched hands pressed against his temples. Why did I have to say anything? Why couldn’t I just let it go? His cries ripped through my heart, burned into my mind. I couldn’t stand the pain of them, but what could I do? This had to end. It would only be a short matter of time before he would begin to feel what I’ve carried with me for the last six years. We were too close now for him not to feel it.

Putting my hands up to his, I gently brought them down and held them to my lips. He was trembling, but his cries had ceased. I brushed my cheek along his fingers, closed my eyes, and sighed. We would still talk. I needed to know why, but for now; I let myself rest in the feel of his skin.

I could see her face behind my closed lids. Her crystalline green eyes, shining as tears spilled down her cheeks. I never understood that either. Why was she so sad? He gave himself to her, gave me to her, and yet she wept. Why? Nothing made any sense, except the feel of his fingers stroking along my cheek. I concentrated on that, kissed the tips of his fingers, and rested my head on his knees. He’s everything I want, everything I need.

“I was lost in the dream.”

His voice flowed out in a smooth whisper. It floated in the air like feathers gently resting on a summer breeze. I could feel myself melt into his voice and let it surround my soul. I smiled a little. His voice always did that to me. No matter what his words were, his voice, when he spoke that way, calmed my soul.

“I never thought you would be drawn into it with me.”

“Lost in what dream?”

He sighed and moved a hand to my hair. Shivers ran down my back as he combed his fingers in along my scalp. I could almost purr in contentment, instead, I moaned and drew his other hand closer to my nose. The smell of his skin, the touch of his fingers, brought my need for him to the forefront of my mind. It pushed the image of her face back. It softened the point of betrayal in my heart.

“It was a strange dream. I don’t remember it completely, just bits and pieces. But, I know it was the reason for the union.”

His hand flinched as his fingers continued to comb through my hair.

“It wasn’t her I made love to. It was you.”

“I don’t understand, Alex. You were with her.”

“Yes. I don’t understand either. I never understood. I only knew that there was a purpose, something important, but it was you I carried in my heart. When I touched her skin, it was yours I felt.”

Maybe that was the answer. I don’t know. Right then, I didn’t care. Right then, all I wanted to do was make love to him. Music started in the living room and made its way up and out of the balcony door.

I raised my head and turned to the door. “I thought Jo left.”

“I guess she wasn’t finished.”

He stood and helped me to my feet. ‘Love is Forever’ played downstairs. After hearing it the first time not long ago, it quickly became our favorite song.

Nuzzling into the crook of my neck, he whispered, “Dance with me.” I held him close and began to turn. Soon we were gliding together, molded and spinning as one being. This was the way it was supposed to be. This was the way I want it to be, forever.

The song ended and I bent to his mouth. He gave me his breath with his kiss. Apricot brandy on his tongue. It isn’t a flavor I enjoy on its own, but mingled with the taste of Alex, I found myself wanting more. The sun left, replaced by a dark starlit sky. I broke away from Alex’s kiss and momentarily gazed up into the night sky. I often wondered at people’s perception of the night being black. I suppose it is, but in my mind, it was blue. Deep, dark, all enveloping blue. The color molds itself to everything around, shifting to pale shades at light sources, but still everywhere.

Alex’s head rested against my throat, his soft curls brushing up, under my chin. I loved the feel of his hair on my face. Often, I stood with him held tight to my chest and pressed my cheeks, lips and nose into it. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent. This night, as I breathed him in, I was stunned as visions and memories rushed through my mind. They ran through so quickly, they became nothing more than a blur, but it was a blur of one continuous theme. Alex. I was getting dizzy with the speed of the assault. Then I was brought to a sudden and inexplicable halt as one vision stood out from the others.

Standing on the beach, staring out as the water receded and grew into a wave of tidal proportions, was a child. A boy, slight in frame with soft, golden-brown curls that rest on bronzed skin. He stood quiet and still as the tidal wave built out in the distance, alone and seemingly unafraid. Slowly, he began to turn, and I felt myself begin to shudder with the expectation of what I would see in his young face.

"Josh?" I heard the voice of my lover from far away. In my vision, the boy was turning. "Joshua?" He turned, until, with the wave at his back, his eyes stared back at me. Royal blue, and he smiled.