Death by Dreaming - 6. Chapter 6

The Charity Ball was something of an occasion. Anyone who was anyone was there, including the paparazzi for dozens of magazines, newspapers and television programmes. If he was being honest Marcus couldn’t have cared less about attending but his friends were excited about it and he was caught up in their enthusiasm.

He was feeling... odd. Since their conversation in the tack shed Angel hadn’t exactly avoided him but he had entirely avoided talking about what had happened and there was always a shadowed, guarded look on his face whenever they spoke or were together. Charlie had noticed and questioned both of them but they had both shut down on her completely which frustrated her no end. Charlie hated it when there was something going on and she didn’t know what it was.

Marcus smiled. It was almost fun teasing Charlie, letting her know there was something going on she didn’t know about... almost. If it hadn’t been for the stupid situation and the crazy thoughts and feelings that were storming through his mind and body he would have had a fantastic time. Unfortunately he spent so much time swinging the emotional pendulum between horror at what he had done and hope about what might come from it; pure joy at being with Angel and crushing embarrassment and awkwardness; that he was left entirely unsatisfied and wondering if he had blown things so badly that he would lose Angel, even as a friend.

He had no idea at all what Angel was thinking or feeling about it all because Angel flatly refused to discuss it. Carefully neutral in all his dealings with Marcus he was giving nothing away, nothing at all. Marcus was simultaneously in heaven and hell. There was a kind of freedom in having the thing said and brought out into the open but it was a freedom bought at a cost.

Eyeing himself critically in the mirror Marcus was pleased with what he saw. It was true that he had gained a lot of bulk over the last six months. He had been working out and his shoulders were broad, filling but not stretching the custom made tuxedo. Patting the blood coloured cummerbund flat over his tight abs he adjusted the black trousers that encased his long legs so that the seam ran straight.

Turning sideways he admired the way that the well cut suit accentuated his physique and then turned face on again to adjust his cravat. He had never liked the bow ties that the English preferred and had always liked to be different. So instead of the usual bow there was a silk cravat, in the same colour as the cummerbund, which he smoothed and tucked into his grey silk waistcoat. Running his hands through his dark hair, spiking the gelled tips he smiled, well satisfied, but not arrogant.

Without pre-emption the door flew open and Charlie danced in. She was simply stunning, her red hair swept up into a chignon topped with a scarlet feather clip that sparkled with rubies and diamonds. The same stones adorned her ears and throat and flashed on her fingers. The long black dress she wore was simple and flattered her petite but curvy figure perfectly. In her high heels she was only a few inches shorter than he was which was slightly disconcerting. She was swinging a black handbag like a weapon.

“Oh good, you’re ready. The car will be here in a moment. WOW... don’t you look handsome? I like the cravat.”

“You don’t scrub up bad yourself... for a munchkin. You look almost grown up.”

After hitting him with her handbag Charlie giggled and slipped her arm through his. “Come on... let’s go get Angel he is bound not to be ready.”

Marcus frowned. “Are you sure we should be doing this?”

“What do you mean? It’s going to be great. I’ve been looking forward to it for the longest time. Oh Marcus you are not going to spoil it for us are you. I know it’s not your thing but...”

“Charlie... Charlie shut up. I wasn't thinking about me...”

“Oh. Then I don’t understand. Angel has been looking forward to this ball as much as I have. It will do him good to get out and have fun.”

“But do you think he’s up to it?”

“Of course he is. You worry too much. You are getting to be like a great big mother hen.” She poked him in the stomach and giggled. But still he held back.

“Charlie... sometimes you can be uber perceptive and sometimes you can be pretty dense. Haven’t you noticed how fast he has been going downhill this week? Since we’ve been here he’s had two major seizures and I’ve lost count of how many absences. I’m afraid he’s gonna get sick again... like he was before... and I can’t believe that you are being so blasé about it.”

“I am not blasé. I have eyes... I can see. But this isn’t like before. Before Angel was horribly depressed and he wanted to be ill... he wanted to die and he fought everyone all the way against getting better. This time he is strong and positive and has everything to look forward to. He’s completely stressed out and exhausted and I have absolutely no intention of leaving him here in this house alone when we go.

“I’m sure that part of what is happening to him is the stress and part is the releasing of it. Once he relaxes he’ll be fine, I’m sure of it. Honey, I am not blasé I swear it... it’s just that there is no use fussing around Angel; he won’t stand for it... and there is no use worrying. I make sure he’s taking his meds and he has been better today.”

Marcus frowned at her. “Yes... but I am still worried about him. All this thing about the dreams is freaking me out.”

“Aw it’s all bullshit. You know what he’s like when he’s ill. He goes all... inner and imagines all sorts of things are going on. He lives half in another world anyway and besides... who cares if he is having precognitive dreams? At least it will warn us if something is going to happen. You worry too much Marcus. Now COME ON. I don’t want to be late for the ball.”

“Perish the thought madame.”

Charlie was a little more reserved at Angel’s door and knocked before she entered. It was only when there was no answer that she walked in. Marcus followed her feeling surprisingly nervous. The room was empty but the sound of running water came from the bathroom.

“Angel. You better not be in the shower.”

The water stopped and a moment later the bathroom door opened and a smiling Angel emerged. Both Charlie and Marcus froze.

Although there was little real difference between Angel’s tux and Marcus’ they wore them very differently. Angel’s was much more fitted and did not so much hug his figure as skim it, making the lines far more flowing. The jacket was longer and the trousers more tapered accentuating his slim figure and long legs.

Angel, too eschewed a bow tie but had not replaced it with anything. He wore his white silk shirt open at the collar, unbuttoned down to the long black waistcoat, embossed with black roses and tiny stars. He had drawn back his hair and they could just see the tips of the wide black velvet ribbon he had used to tie it back. Already strands were escaping and floated around his face making him look somehow... ephemeral.

“You look...” How do you tell your best friend that he looks like an angel, that he is so beautiful it almost hurts to look at him? How do you tell him that suddenly you really don’t care about going to the ball any more and all you want is to take him in your arms and kiss him? How do you tell him that?

“What’s wrong?” Angel looked down at himself uncertainly, wondering if he had a smudge on his suit or something.

“Nothing... nothing’s wrong. You look amazing. Come on. Let’s go outside and get Charlton to take a photograph.”

She grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the door. Laughing he just went with it.

Marcus had been dreading the trip but it was awesome. Charlie kept them all entertained and Angel responded. He sparkled. He shone. He was more relaxed than he had been in a long time and very soon Marcus began to relax too, assisted by the champagne that stocked the mini bar. The companionship was easy, just like it used to be.

It seemed that, almost as soon as they stepped into the limo they were climbing out of it and walking into a whole different world. Their eyes blinded by the flash of cameras and their ears assailed by a cacophony of voices calling and car horns blaring, they were buoyed and carried on a wave of energy into the foyer of the building which was already filled with a crush of bodies in a swirling mix of black tuxedos and jewel bright dresses. There were more diamonds on display than in even the most exclusive jeweller and plenty of emeralds, sapphires, rubies and every other precious stone known to man... or woman.

Almost as soon as they passed through the door they were hailed, and various friends, acquaintances and general hangers on swooped on them so that soon they were parted and there was no chance of finding one another in the throng.

It wasn't until they sat down to dinner that they were reunited and there was little enough time to talk as they sat through seven courses, various speeches and a charity auction in which Marcus purchased a particularly rare and expensive bottle of champagne and Charlie spent an obscene amount of money on exclusive tickets with back stage passes to a gig at Wembley, including an invite to the after party.

After dinner they all filed into the ballroom where a live band played suitably bland music and, again they were separated.

At the back of the ballroom were large double doors which opened onto a shaded patio leading to rose gardens. Growing tired of the crush, the loud music and the ceaseless chatter of the plastic Barbie dolls who all seemed to merge into one and give him a pounding headache, Marcus began to make his way towards the garden.

On the way he noticed Charlie dancing with a handsome but vacuous young ‘Hooray Henry’. She gave him a rueful look as he passed and he grinned at her. He was less amused to see Angel in the embrace of an excruciatingly beautiful woman who was smiling adoringly at him as he bent to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly the lights seemed to dim, the glitter dull, the music fade. Scowling he picked up his bottle of champagne from the auction table and took it outside.

Skirting the lawn, which was full of laughing, dancing people he sought the solace of the rose gardens. It was a warm night and the scent of the roses was almost overpowering. Flipping the top of the bottle he lifted it to his lips and drank deeply.

“Do you have any idea how much money you just poured down your throat?”

Startled beyond reason he choked on the champagne and sprayed his mouthful all over the roses. Wiping his mouth and nose he coughed again, struggling for composure.

Angel took the bottle out of his hand and studied the label. “Actually I don’t think that this is supposed to have been opened and drunk. I think it is meant to be ‘collected’.” He shrugged and took a long drink, then handed the bottle back to Marcus, making a face. “It’s vile.”

“Yeah well...” Deeply embarrassed Marcus took another long drink then put the bottle down on the sun dial. “I thought you were having fun with Lady Jane. I wasn’t expecting to see you for the rest of the evening.”

Although he tried hard to keep his voice light an edge of bitterness had crept in and he could have kicked himself. Angel’s expression darkened for a moment, then he smiled.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

Marcus frowned, puzzled. “What do you mean ‘get out of here’?”

“I mean leave, blow the joint, exit, depart, get the hell out of here.”

“But why... what about Charlie?”

“As to the why... because I am bored and...” he paused for a moment chewing his lip, “because I want to talk to you. And as for Charlie... she’s having a great time. She won’t miss us. We’ll pick her up in time for the limo home. We’ve got a couple of hours. What do you say?”

Marcus’ heart had skipped at the words ‘I want to talk to you’. He was both excited and scared... mostly scared. The subject of what had happened between them had been skirted around so many times but was still constantly uppermost in his mind. He had wanted to broach it many times but it had never seemed right, and now...

“Erm... sure. Whatever you want. I... It’s not really my ‘thing’ anyway.”

“Okay... I’ll go tell Charlie and meet you at the back door. I don’t think I’m up to braving the press at the front.”

His heart pounding, feeling light headed and wishing he had not drunk so much of the champagne, Marcus headed for the side gate which led into a street that was dark and silently empty. He leaned against the wall trying to get his bearings. What did this mean? Was Angel going to tell him that he wanted him to leave Greybrook? Was he going to tell him that he didn’t want to be friends any more? Was he going to ask for an explanation... which frankly Marcus was unable to give?

So many questions and thoughts crowded his mind; he felt faint and slightly unreal. The one thing that didn’t occur to him was the remotest possibility that he would refuse to go. He would have walked through fire if Angel had asked him to... hell maybe that was precisely what he was about to do.

Marcus had plenty of time to think and work himself up into a fear of apprehension because it was almost twenty minutes before a dark figure slipped out of the gate and he heard a familiar chuckle.

“God that woman’s persistent.”

“Who? Charlie?”

“No Lady Jane. She was like a limpet. In the end I had to pretend to go to the toilet. And then she followed me. I had to bribe someone to distract her while I sneaked out.”

Despite his nervousness Marcus laughed. “I don’t know... you looked like you were having fun earlier.”

“Was I?” There was an odd note in Angel’s voice that made Marcus’ stomach clench in apprehension again.

“So where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know. I don’t care. Let’s just walk.”

It was a warm night and, being mid week there were not so many people about. They made a striking pair in their tuxedo’s and that particular air of confidence that comes from a public school education and never having to worry where your next flight to Paris was coming from. They walked close together, not speaking, not touching and occasionally Marcus stole shy glances at Angel who, if he saw did not acknowledge or comment.

Eventually their aimless strolling brought them to the river. It was quiet and still, the sound of traffic muted in the distance. This was a residential area, an exclusive mews whose gardens ran down to a path along the side of the water where it was bordered by an elaborate stone wall. Angel leaned his elbows on the wall and stared out over the water. Marcus joined him and, for a time, almost found peace in the gentle lapping of the water and the flickering lights from the metropolis across the way. Unfortunately it didn’t last long and he was soon in an agony of expectation and trepidation.

“I thought you wanted to talk.” He said eventually, unable to stand the silence any longer. Angel jumped then turned so that he was leaning back against the wall, facing Marcus. The moon was bright and was reflected back off the water. Along with the lights from the houses it illuminated the scene well enough for Marcus to be able to see his face clearly, even the colour of his eyes.

Angel frowned and looked thoughtful. Marcus had to struggle to meet his eyes and in the end let his eyes rest on the curve of his cheek which looked so perfect in the moonlight, creamy white and flawless.

“I’ve been thinking a lot... about what happened.” He was choosing his words carefully and it was impossible to guage what he was going to say from the tone of his voice which was artfully neutral.

“Oh?”

“Did you think I wouldn’t? Did you think I would forget... or push it out of my mind?”

“I... don’t know.”

“Marcus you are my best friend. You have always been my best friend and we have been through a lot together. I was never going to throw it back in your face, or dismiss it out of hand. It’s just... I didn’t know what to do with it... how to react. It was such a shock. I had never suspected, never imagined for a moment that you would feel like that about me.”

Angel’s voice was low and level. Marcus didn’t know what to make of it. There was nothing in what he was saying that gave him the faintest clue what was coming.

“Angel... I’m really sorry. I never meant to put you in that position. I tried so hard to get over it... to push it away but... when I saw you again... you were so... I had forgotten how beautiful you are and...” Seeing Angel’s eyes widen he shook his head. “Ah shit. I’m doing it again. I’m sorry. I can’t help myself. I just...”

“It’s alright Marcus. Honestly... it’s alright. At first I felt... I don’t know how I felt. I was confused and... frankly a little creeped out. I have never thought of... a man...in that way.” Marcus tried to say something but he stopped him. “If I’m being completely honest I’ve never really thought of anyone in that way. As strange as it may seem I have been somewhat oblivious to the whole concept of sex. Too wrapped up in my own private little world.” He swallowed looking suddenly nervous and Marcus wanted to curl up and die of embarrassment. He wished with all his heart that he had never said anything.

“Look Angel... you don’t have to do this. I was a fool, an idiot. I should never have said anything and I am sorry I ever opened my mouth.”

Angel shook his head, almost sadly. “No. You don’t understand. I... I’ve been so blind. I suppose I always thought of you as more like my brother than my friend... both of you... only of course Charlie would be my sister. I even pretended sometimes when I was younger, especially after... when I was alone.”

Now Marcus began to feel like a first class cad. How could he have done this? How could he have driven a wedge between them at a time when Angel needed him more than he ever had before?

“I’ve longed for you, both of you, so many times but it has always been for the closeness, the friendship, the support. Selfish I suppose.”

“Hell Angel you have never been selfish.” Angel looked up at him and smiled, although in such a way as made it clear he was acknowledging the sentiment and not the truth in the words.

“I was looking around tonight... at all the people I know... and those I don’t. I can see what you mean about nothing being real. I tried to put a face on and be just like them but it got harder and harder. When I was dancing... with Lady Jane I stopped listening to what she was talking about. It stopped making sense stopped meaning anything. She’s a nice girl... nice enough, but...” He shrugged.

“When I saw you go out into the garden it suddenly hit me. What you said... about only me being real in your life... well it’s the same for me. You...” Marcus’ heart did a funny little skip and for a moment soared only to fall as Angel continued, “... and Charlie are the only two people who feel real in my life any more.

“Recently everything has gone crazy and it’s getting worse and worse as October approaches. I’m sick of it, of all the drama, the stupid little power games and sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel... telling Charles he can keep the bloody company and just running away. Then I talk to you or Charlie online and you put everything in perspective and make me feel calm and centred again. I don’t know how I would have coped without you.

“And then... and then... I started feeling a distance from you, a reserve that I couldn’t understand and it felt... I felt that I was spinning out of control, especially when you came. I had been pinning all my hopes on you, the two of you. Unfair I know but...” He shrugged. “I was scared... scared that Charles would do something to hi jack the handover, scared that one of them was going to snap and really hurt me, scared that I just wouldn’t be able to cope with it all. The truth is I wasn’t coping, I was shutting down and getting more and more tired and depressed.

“I was so excited about your visit. I thought that... that with you there they wouldn’t be able to hurt me any more, that you would take care of me, would make everything right like you always do. It was awful when I saw that look in your eyes... I didn’t know what it was and it scared me more than anything... it looked like rejection.”

“I’m really sorry about that Angel. I never meant it to appear like that. It was just so hard to look at you and not to think... not to want... Shit... I keep doing it don’t I? I keep pushing it, I can’t help it. I know it’s not what you want to hear.”

Angel looked down then slowly raised his eyes to meet Marcus’. “How do you know what I want to hear?” He said softly.

“Well I... I thought... I didn’t think you would want to hear more of that. I know I hurt you. I know I scared you. I just don’t know what you want me to do about it. I don’t think I can... I don’t think I can ever go back to thinking of you as just a friend the way I used to.” He stopped, terrified by what he had just said and then pressed on, words falling in a jumble.

“I didn’t mean that as it sounded. I mean... I won’t... I won’t hit on you or anything, and I certainly won’t stop being your friend. I’ll try not to make things awkward between us... but somewhere I’ve crossed a line and I can’t step back. When I look at you I can’t help but see how beautiful you are, how blue your eyes are, how your hair lights up in the sun, I can’t help but think how much I would like to kiss your lips.”

Seeing Angel’s eyes widen he panicked even more. “Oh shit! Oh shit! Too much information? See... I’m a babbling idiot... I just can’t help it. Fuck Angel what am I going to do? What are we going to do? Please don’t send me away. Don’t say you don’t want to be my friend any more. I don’t think I could bear that.”

“Marcus...”

“I swear I will try my very best. I won’t speak of this ever again. I will try not to think about it but I can’t help it...”

“Marcus...”

“Please don’t look at me like that Angel. I know what you must be thinking... just don’t tell me that I sicken you... don’t tell me that you can’t...”

“Marcus! As if... Will you please listen to me?”

“I want to listen to you Angel, I want to. I could listen to the sound of your voice all day... Shit... I’m doing it again... I’m.... Oh!”

The exclamation came when Angel, losing patience with him and despairing of ever getting him to calm down enough to actually listen to what he was trying to say, and being as nervous as he was and probably more drunk, reached up, grabbed him by the cravat and pulled him towards him, rising up to meet him in a quick, sweet kiss that left them both shocked breathless.

Unable to speak Marcus pulled back slightly and stared into Angel’s eyes which were wide with shock and... something else.

“What...? Why?”

Not smiling, Angel shook his head and closed the distance between them then paused, staring deeply into his eyes. Marcus froze, not even breathing, his heart threatening to burst from his chest. He could barely believe what was happening, was terrified that any moment Angel would slap his face and run. He was paralysed with the fear, the desire, the wonder.

After a moment Angel raised his hand and laid it against the side of Marcus’ face. Marcus’ eyes widened and slowly, tentatively, afraid even now that something would break the spell, that Angel would bolt and run, he raised one hand to gently tug the ribbon freeing the glorious tumble of gold and then to bury itself in the exquisite softness, whilst the other, almost of it’s own volition brushed aside Angel’s jacket to rest on his waist.

For a moment Angel stiffened, his eyes narrowing, and then he licked his lips, closed his eyes and slowly leaned forwards.

At the first the kiss was gentle, very gentle, nothing but the softest brush of one against the other. It was Angel who wanted more, who raised his arms to twine around Marcus’ neck, who pressed himself against him, who deepened the kiss, panting and trembling.

Marcus was completely swept away, barely able to comprehend what was happening. As the kiss heated up he put both arms around Angel and pulled him close. Angel sighed and his lips parted allowing Marcus’s tongue access to his mouth. Again he stiffed slightly but didn’t pull away and soon he was participating as much as Marcus was.

When they finally came up for air they were both breathless and looked dazed. Angel smiled uncertainly and Marcus blinked at him. It took three attempts before he could get his voice to work.

“Where did that come from?”

Angel licked his lips and it took quite a bit of self control for Marcus not to kiss him again.

“I was with Lady Jane. She was... soft and pretty and smelled of perfume and she tried to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her. She felt good in my arms but... when I closed my eyes and felt her lips touch mine all I could think of was you.” He smiled hesitantly. “I’d been thinking about you a lot. It’s all about...” he narrowed his eyes and squinted into the past. “When I was looking forward to you coming, the things I was looking forward to...

“I was looking forward to seeing your face, your smile, hearing your voice. I wanted you to take care of, to protect me, to... I wanted to... I wanted you...” He faltered and sighed. “I don’t know if I was thinking of you like this then... I can’t say for sure because it just wasn’t on my mind but... After... after you told me I... I thought about it a lot and I felt... I felt that the things I was thinking about even before were not really ‘friend’ things but more ... you know.” He smiled shyly and he was so damned cute that Marcus couldn’t help but kiss him.

When he finished he grinned into the stunned eyes. “So... If the things you were thinking weren’t ‘friend’ things... what were they?”

“You know...”

“Tell me.”

Slipping his arm around Marcus’ waist Angel rested his head on his shoulder and whispered into his neck. “They were boyfriend things.”

“So... does that mean...? I mean what does it mean?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been here before. I don’t know where this road goes... but I’m really glad we’re walking it together.”

They stood side by side in companionable silence, occasionally looking into each other’s eyes, sometimes kissing, until the hands of the clock moved around and it was time to go home.

Charlie was waiting outside when they strolled back, not touching physically but closer together than they had ever been.

“Where the hell have you been? The limo has been round the block twice already.” She tapped her foot pouting. They both grinned and she couldn’t help but mirror it.

“Have you two worked out whatever it was that was going on between you?”

They looked at each other and grinned. Then with one mind they both grabbed Charlie and hugged her.

“Ow... you’re squashing me. Have you both gone insane?”

“A little.”

“So what’s going on?”

“Tell you in the car.”

“Why not now? I want to know now. What’s been going on? Where have you been? What have you been doing?”

They grinned at each other again. Fortunately, the limo chose that moment to glide to a stop in front of them. Angel’s grin widened.

“Hey... I just thought... it’s pink.”

Marcus cracked up and Charlie rolled her eyes. “Wow genius... took you a while to work that one out. What the hell are you laughing about?”

As the limo pulled away from the kerb Charlie rounded on the boys, her eyes blazing.

“Right. That’s it. I feel like you are laughing at me. Something’s going on and I want to know what it is. RIGHT NOW. Where have you been? What have you been doing?”

Marcus and Angel turned to each other and grinned.

“She wants to know what we have been doing.”

“Shall we tell her?”

“We could show her.”

“Do you think we should?”

“Why not?”

And as Charlie watched, her eyes growing wider and wider... they did.