Death by Dreaming - 5. Chapter 5

Passing through the gap between the buildings Marcus found himself in an open area bordered by scrub. The path began on the other side, alongside some stone outbuildings and climbed steeply to a hedge which blocked of his view of the gardens and house beyond. There was no sign of anyone.

As he approached the outbuilding he noticed that the door was open. He couldn’t help glancing inside as he passed. It was dark and dusty filled with dim shapes, some hanging from the ceiling some hunched on the floor. As he looked with nothing more than casual curiosity one of the shapes moved and he heard a soft moan.

“Shit!” Wrenching the door wider the interior was flooded with light and he could clearly see a crumpled figure sprawled on the floor. Bright sunlight woke the golden hair to blazing life and there was no mistaking who it was.

“Angel? Shit Angel, are you alright?”

Flinging himself to the floor he lifted Angel in his arms. There was blood on his lips, tricking down leaving a trail across his chin. There was blood on his hair too where he must have hit his head when he fell, not a lot but enough to throw Marcus into a panic.

“Angel? Angel please... Wake up Angel... tell me you’re alright.”

The surprisingly dark lashes trembled as his eyes flickered and cracked open.

“Angel?” Marcus stroked his hair, ignoring the blood, smearing it all over his face. Angel moaned and tilted back his head to peer up into Marcus’ face. His lips twitched but then he winced and swallowed weakly spitting blood.

“Fuck Angel, what have you done to yourself?”

Struggling, Angel managed to sit up, leaning heavily against Marcus who supported him with his arm. For once he was too concerned, too diverted to experience the usual embarrassment he felt these days whenever he was close to Angel.

Angel groaned and sagged against him. He was cold and Marcus hugged him tight into his side, trying to warm him with his body. He worried about whether the bang on the head had done any damage. Looking around he wondered what the hell Angel had been doing in here in the first place.

After a while Marcus started to get cold and stiff. Angel didn’t seem to be making any movement towards recovery and he was getting more and more concerned.

“Angel... Angel hun we have to get out of here. It’s cold and you’re bleeding. Will you be alright here for a moment while I go and get help?”

“Go? No... no don’t... go.” He sounded completely spaced out and strange, as though his mouth was full. He gripped Marcus’s arm with a panic grip.

“Woah there... it’s alright, it’s okay... I’m not going anywhere. What’s wrong? What’s got you so freaked out?”

“Dream.”

“What dream? The one you had the other night? What’s that got to do with this?”

“No.” Angel let his head fall back again to look up at him. His eyes were fully open now but still looked drugged. He licked his lips and grimaced at the taste of blood. “Last night. Last night I dreamed... of this.”

He was still having some trouble speaking for a combination of reasons. Marcus understood.

“Did you bite your tongue?”

Angel nodded and winced, his hand fluttering to his head.

“Easy.., you banged your head. It’s cut but it doesn’t look too bad. What do you mean you dreamed of this?”

“The... the path. I dreamed I was... walking on the path and there was... first there was darkness and then... and then... light. And I... walked... down... and... and the door... it was dark and there was... there was light and then... and then...”

“Okay... it’s okay. Just take it easy for a bit. When you’re feeling better I’ll help you get back up to the house.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I won’t. It’s okay... I won’t, but we can’t stay here all day hun... you need... you should...” He stumbled to a halt because Angel was staring at him and he had never noticed before quite how blue his eyes were, or quite how bright his hair was, or quite how smooth his skin was or...

“Look, we can’t stay here. Come on... at least try to get up.”

“Why do you hate me?”

“Don’t be silly, I don’t hate you. You’re out of your mind.”

“Why are you looking at me like that? Please Marc, what have I done?”

“Angel... you’re not... you’re not making sense, not thinking straight. You haven’t done anything and I don’t hate you. It’s all in your mind.”

“Is it?” He frowned. “Is that what... is that why...?” For a moment his eyes were wide and intense and he looked as if he was going to say something but then he sighed and closed his eyes. “I’m tired.”

Marcus closed his eyes too so that he couldn’t see Angel’s face. It was too... too much.

It seemed like he knelt there on the floor for a very long time. The torture was exquisite. Just to hold him close, to smell his smell of musk and lavender, to feel him breathe gently against his side. As time passed it became almost unbearable but he forced himself to be still, to stay strong.

At last Angel stirred and sighed, opening his eyes. They were clearer now but heavy. He looked ill and tired.

“How are you feeling now?”

“Better. What happened?”

“You tell me. You were supposed to be at the stables but you never showed so I came looking and found you here. You were talking about a dream...”

Angel’s eyes widened. “The dream.” He breathed.

“Angel... it was just a dream.”

“No... you don’t understand. I dreamed about walking down this path... it’s been years since I came this way and last night... last night we weren’t even talking about riding. Why would I dream about coming here? It’s as if... as if somehow... somehow I’m having premonitions.”

“That’s crazy.”

“Maybe... but... but why... why is this happening to me? This hasn’t happened for years and it... it’s not... I’m not...”

“Angel... you’ve been under a lot of stress... with the way those assholes have been treating you, and your birthday coming up and all the changes that’s gonna bring. You’re just stressed. Did you take your meds this morning?”

Angel frowned and thought a moment, then shook his head. “I... I was... I wasn’t thinking, not feeling myself. I think... I don’t remember.”

“Okay... there’s your answer. But don’t worry about it now. Are you up to making a try for the house?”

“I... yes, I’m alright but...”

“What?”

“You stayed here with me... right here... why?”

“Because you’re my friend of course.”

“Am I?”

“Of course you are. How could you even ask? You’re my best friend Angel, always have been and always with be.”

“I thought so.”

Marcus was horrified to see tears in Angel’s eyes. How could he reassure him? How could he tell him that there was nothing wrong... when there was?

“Angel. I am your friend, always.”

“Then why do you look at me like you hate me? Why does it feel like you don’t even want to be in the same room as me any more?”

“I don’t... don’t be silly. Look you’re...”

Angel reached up and touched his lips with one finger, shaking his head. He winced and moved his fingers to the cut on his forehead again.

“Hurts.”

“Yeah... you did a good job this time.”

“I... Don’t change the subject.”

“There is no subject. It’s all in your mind Angel.”

“Is it?” He looked reflective. “I... I thought that... that it would make things better... that you and Charlie would help me... make me feel like... make everything normal again. I have been longing for it... so much. But... but it isn’t normal, nothing is normal because you... you just...”

“Angel please...”

“No... I can’t do this any more Marcus. I’m tired. I’m so tired and I can’t... I can't fight everyone... I can’t fight you.”

“I don’t want you to fight me. I’m your friend. I swear...”

“You’re lying Marcus. There is something wrong and I don’t know why you won’t tell me what it is.”

“There’s...” He raised his eyes and met Angel’s. The look he saw there swept the ground from beneath his feet. He couldn’t keep the connection, couldn’t bear the beauty, couldn’t bear the pain.

“There’s nothing wrong.” He repeated dully.

“If there’s nothing wrong then why can’t you look me in the eyes?”

“I can.” Indignant he raised his eyes again but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t keep what he was feeling out of his eyes, and he couldn’t let Angel see. He looked away.

“Marcus.” Marcus kept his head turned away, tormented. Angel was so close, so precious, so sweet. He wanted to hold him closer, to open his heart and tell him everything, just like they used to... just like they did when it was all so innocent and trusting. There was time when he could have told Angel anything, when he thought that there would never be a time when they were anything other than completely open and honest with each other. That time was gone... wasn’t it? Could he...? Dare he?

“Marcus please... please tell me what’s wrong, what I’ve done to upset you. Whatever it is can’t we fix it, can’t we work it out. I don’t know what I’ll do without you. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

Despite himself Marcus winced, both because of the anguish in his voice and the words he was speaking. It was unbearable.

“Marcus?”

Angel lifted his hand. It was still shaking. He turned Marcus’ face, forcing him to look into his eyes. For a moment he scanned the usually calm grey eyes and then let his hand fall to his side, a wave of helplessness washing over him.

“It’s gone.” He said dully, tears spilling from his eyes. “What do I have now?”

“Angel don’t... It... it’s not what you think. Please... please don’t cry. You haven’t done anything and I’m not going anywhere.”

“You already have.”

“N... no I... I... It’s not what you think.”

“Isn’t it? “

Dumbly Marcus shook his head, lost in the eyes that seemed to be sucking him into their bottomless depths, depths which at that moment were filled with tears and a sorrow so deep it almost consumed him.

“Then tell me what it is.” Again Marcus shook his head and Angel winced. “I thought so.”

For a moment Angel closed his eyes, struggling with the pain in his heart. He was utterly exhausted, too tired to move, way too tired to cope with this. His head was aching fit to burst and he felt... disconnected. Too much had happened in too short a time... and now this... he just couldn’t cope with this.

Of everything in his crazy world he thought he could rely on, could hold on to... it was his friends...and now not even that... he felt cut loose, as if he was spinning out of control. He was aware that Marcus was speaking to him but the words seemed far away... too far even to reach for.

“Angel... Angel listen to me... please just listen.”

With some effort Angel opened his eyes and looked up into the distraught face of the person he had believed to be his best friend.

“Angel... whatever you think you know, whatever you think you see... you’re wrong. I don’t hate you... you’ve done nothing to upset me. I... I...” He paused unable to say the words that were trembling on the tip of his tongue. “I’m your best friend. Always have been, always will be. I’m here for you... now... always.”

“I don’t believe you.” The words were whispered from lips that were trembling. Marcus was fascinated by them... the lips, not the words. He had never wanted to kiss anyone so badly in all his life. But that would be bad... very bad.

“Believe Angel. Nothing has changed. I swear it.”

Angel shook his head, more tears spilling down his face, and he turned to bury it in Marcus’ shoulder.

“Angel don’t... please don’t. I don’t want to hurt you... it’s the last thing I want to do. I care for you more than you know. Please...”

“I want to believe you Marc, really I do. I WANT to but I can’t. You say this and it sounds right... and I believe you because I want to and then... and then I catch you looking at me and it’s as if... as if you hate me and you can’t bear to be near me. It’s killing me Marcus. I don’t know if I can bear it. There’s so much going on in my life and now... now this... I don’t even know what’s happening to me and I’m scared... I’m so scared and I can’t... I just can’t... I can’t bear it.”

His voice was muffled by his face being pressed against Marcus’ shoulder and by the tears that were forcing themselves out despite his best efforts to keep them in... but Marcus could hear the pain and suffering so clearly it tore at his heart.

“Please Angel... don’t do this to yourself. There’s no need. It’s not what you think. I don’t hate you and the last thing I want is to hurt you.”

Angel looked up and him and the pain was raw in his eyes. It was just too much. He laid his hand against the side of his face and wiped away the tears with his thumb.

“Don’t cry Angel. I couldn’t bear to think I had made you cry.”

“But...”

Marcus shook his head and smiled, although he felt that his heart was breaking, torn in two by his desire to be fully there for his friend and his fear of what that might mean for both of them.

“It won’t happen again Angel, I swear it. You are my best friend and I... I’ll always be here for you no matter what. I am going to take care of you and make sure no one and nothing hurts you again. I swear.”

Angel scanned his face, looking hopeful, even desperate. The longing to find truth, to find acceptance, to find his friend, the old Marcus looking back at him was so strong ... but all he found was confusion. Marcus was in pain, he could see that... but the pain was coming from somewhere that Angel couldn’t reach, that Marcus wouldn’t let him see. It was place that was shut off to him. He was shut out. He shook his head again, looking exhausted and defeated.

“I don’t believe you. Your voice says one thing but your eyes say another. You still can’t look directly at me and I know you’re not telling me the truth. Please be honest with me Marcus. Whatever it is that’s going on... I can handle it if you’re just honest with me.”

For a moment something flared in Marcus... call it a devil, call it hope, call it a fish and put it in a petticoat... whatever it was it died as soon as it was born. There was no way... just no way...and Angel saw it. Marcus saw him wince as if he had been slapped in the face and it sent a dagger into his heart.

“Please try to understand. This is not easy for me. I... I don’t know what to say to you.”

“Try the truth.”

“The truth?” He shook his head. “I... I can’t. I don’t know what the truth is.”

“Liar.” The word was spoken very softly with tears and there was a look in his eyes that frankly scared Marcus. He looked like he was giving up.

“Angel... please don’t... don’t ask more than I can give. I’m trying my best here but there are things...” He stopped. Angel looked surprised now, shocked even. “I don’t want to hurt you.” He said firmly. “I really don’t want to hurt you and I am trying my best but if you keep pushing then I am going to hurt you, I know it and I would hate myself. Please can’t you accept that I have some things going on with me right now that I can’t... I don’t know how to deal with and I can’t talk to you about.”

“We used to be able to talk about anything.”

“I know.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“What happened?” The second time he asked the question it wasn’t even directed at Marcus but was wistful and detached. His eyes were turning inwards. Marcus had seen the expression before and it frightened him.

“Nothing happened Angel.” He said firmly, forcing him to look at him again. When he had his attention it was too much to bear and he didn’t know what to say. “I just... I... It’s me... I’ve got so... confused lately. I hardly know which way is up sometimes. When I was out in the States I realised that... I don’t know... everything was fake. My whole fucking life. It was all bullshit and the only thing that had any meaning... the only thing that was real was...”

Shit! Shit that was close. So close. Too close. He tried to look away but he couldn’t, he really couldn’t; there was something about the way that Angel was looking at him, about the depth and beauty of his eyes, about the way his lips were parted, about the confusion that was written all over his face. He just couldn’t tear his eyes away.

Suddenly it seemed that the world had faded and the only things that existed were him and the beautiful man he was holding in his arms. His heart was pounding, drowning out every sound forcing him to focus on the deep eyes, the perfect face. He tried to look away but those eyes, those eyes.

“What? What was the only real thing?”

Marcus swallowed heavily and licked his lips. He was breathing hard and felt light headed. Angel was very still, sensing the turmoil that was going on within his friend, not understanding, not in the slightest, but appreciating. And then... and then Marcus did the unthinkable, the impossible. He whispered “You.”

Angel’s eyes widened and his lips formed a perfect O. “I... I don’t know if I... I don’t think I... understand.”

Caught in the moment and pushed beyond endurance by how vulnerable and beautiful Angel looked in it Marcus explained in the only way he knew how. He leaned forwards and kissed him.

Angel’s lips were yielding but passive. He didn’t pull away but neither did he return the kiss. Realising this Marcus jerked back, his heart pounding and his mind reeling in horror. What had he done? What the hell had he done?

Watching Angel’s face nervously he saw emotions fly through his eyes. They were all fleeting and overall he simply looked stunned. Marcus dared not move or speak. He was so afraid that he had spoiled it all. But at least Angel wasn’t angry with him... was he?

“I... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean... I...”

Angel raised his hand and touched Marcus’ lips, silencing him while still looking at him with wide eyed confusion.

“Angel I...”

Angel shook his head and pressed his fingers more firmly. He searched Marcus’s eyes with an intent gaze, seemingly looking for something, a slight frown between his brows and Marcus held his breath.

“Do you...?” he paused and closed his eyes, steadying himself for a moment, then opened them again. “Do you... love me?”

Time stopped, the earth ceased turning, all sound and colour leached from the world. Both of them held their breath until slowly, drawn by the compulsion of the eyes that were fixed on him with an expression almost of pain... he nodded.

“Do you... do you... hate me now?”

“Hate you? No. No I don’t... hate you. I... I don’t know what...” He paused, closing his eyes again, unable to bear what he was seeing in Marcus’s eyes. Of all the things he could have suspected might be going on with his friend this was probably the last. It completely shocked him, had been an utter blindside. Why had he never seen this coming? Had he? Had there been anything, the slightest thing that might make him think that Marcus would think about him in this way... about any man? No... there was nothing, there never had been anything.

So what now? What the hell was supposed to happen now? Suddenly all the worries and stresses that had been paralysing him seemed to drift into he distance. They were so eclipsed by this latest revelation. He couldn’t think about them any more... because he could only think about this. Hell this was... this was... big.

Marcus felt Angel begin to tremble and was concerned that he might be going into another seizure... but he wasn’t. It was just the enormous emotional burden that had suddenly been placed so squarely and unexpectedly on his shoulders. If he had felt exhausted before it was nothing to what he felt now. He was utterly swamped by the realisation of what had actually happened and what it meant. At that point he wanted nothing more than to sleep, to escape even if only for a while what was suddenly an impossible situation. No matter what happened he was going to lose a friend.

Voices calling from outside the door startled both of them and Angel opened his eyes. Marcus was looking at him with abject terror on his face.

“Have I lost you?”

“Lost me?” Angel shook his head. “No... no you haven’t lost me. Marcus I... don’t know what to think about this. I can’t think about it, not now. Please... I’m sorry but...”

Marcus shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who should be sorry. I should never have said anything. I’ll try not to let it...”

“No... don’t stress over it... please Marcus. I don’t... It’s not...” He sighed deeply. “I don’t want anything to change. I want it to be like it was. Please...”

“I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if it can ever be as it was. Fuck Angel I...”

“No... no don’t.” His eyes were anxious, pleading. “Don’t say it again. Not now. Don’t... please.”

Marcus looked sad but smiled and nodded. It was then that the bundle of frenetic energy came bursting through the door.

“Fuck man... Fuck... What happened? I was scared. When you didn’t come I knew something was wrong. I just knew it.”

“It’s okay Charlie. Everything’s alright.” Marcus looked at Angel for validation but he simply looked blank.

“What happened?” She insisted dropping to her knees.

“Angel had a fall. He’s okay now... aren’t you?” Again the plea was clear in his voice and his face and again Angel just looked at him blankly, a slight frown on his face.

“Oh my God Angel, you’re bleeding.” She reached out to touch the blood in his hair. Finally he stirred and blinked, smiling weakly at her.

“It’s okay. Help me get up.”

“No wait... hang on.”

Charlie disappeared and returned moments later with Betty and a young man in uniform.

“Master Angel... what on earth have you been doing to yourself? Lady Charlotte was in a right state, worried about the two of you... and look at you.”

Angel lay still while Betty fussed around him. “I told you that we should have called the doctor last time. When are you going to learn that you have to take care of yourself? Help him David. Can you stand?”

With the help of Marcus and the young man, David Angel clambered stiffly to his feet. He swayed and grabbed Marcus’ arm. Marcus immediately slipped his arm around his waist and held him tight to his side, supporting him with his body.

“I’m alright.”

“Can you make it up to the house? David will carry you if you can’t. Don’t you go struggling if you’re feeling poorly.”

“I’m fine Betty, really I am. Please... go back up to the house... take David with you. Marcus and Charlie will help me. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Betty peered at him critically and he smiled.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m feeling better all the time. Just tired.”

“You come straight to the kitchen so I can take a look at that head. No sleeping until I am satisfied you don’t have a concussion.”

Angel smiled again. “Yes ma’am.”

Betty flushed but she was smiling as she hurried away with David in tow.

“Are you sure you can manage to walk up to the house? I can carry you if you like.”

“No, I’ll be fine.” With a deep sigh Angel pushed himself away from Marcus and began to walk out of the door. On the other side he paused and looked back. Marcus was frozen in place, watching him nervously. Angel smiled. “Are you coming?”