To Have and to Hold - 22. Chapter 22

There are shadows everywhere here, which is strange because it is such a light bright place, so much so that Gabriel is feeling very uncomfortable. Bless him, he is trying very hard to keep his cool but, for the first time since I have known him his composure is cracked. He looks out of place. He is too dark, too... dead.

I am so cold. Why, I can’t explain because it isn’t cold, it isn’t cold at all and it isn’t even a physical kind of cold I am feeling. It is not fear, not exactly because I can’t bring myself to feel enough of anything to give it a label, it is just cold, cold inside. Kai’s eyes are shadowed when he looks at me as though he sees it but doesn’t know what he’s seeing. I can’t help but smile... a right pair we are. For a moment, when Kai returns my smile, I feel warm... for a moment.

When the Malakim return I cannot drum up the energy to sit up. I am weary beyond any possible physical cause and it crosses my mind that they are either tricking or testing me again. I close my eyes and analyse the way I feel. Apart from the cold, which seems to be intensifying, freezing my limbs, turning them heavy as lead, there is a shroud falling over my mind, like snow, blanketing my thoughts, my feelings, my....

It is warm and silent in the darkness of my mind. All awareness of the world outside has faded and I am alone. I want to sleep, sinking deeper and deeper into the velvet blackness of my own subconscious. There is a strange sound, like a heartbeat throbbing in the deep darkness, but it is the heart of the earth, the beat of time itself. I am drifting, and even though I know that there is something I should be doing I have no energy to do it, only to relax and slide, deeper and deeper...

“Marc?”

There is a dim glow in the darkness and I am briefly interested, except the heartbeat is like a lullaby and it is drawing me further and further away.

“Marc? Where the hell is this? What’s going on?”

“Kai?”

“Marc. What’s happening?”

“What are you doing here?”

“You faded out. One minute I was talking to you and the next you just... just... I don’t know; you weren’t there. You scared the hell out of me. Do you realise you have completely shut down? You’re barely alive.”

“Really?”

“You could sound a little more like you cared.”

“I don’t.”

“Marc... what’s wrong with you? Snap out of it. I’m scared my love, you’re dying back there... again.”

“I know.”

“Marc, please, what’s going on?”

I wish I could tell him, but only briefly because I’m really not that interested. The sound is getting louder, the sound of a heartbeat that is not my own, of a whisper that comes from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

“Do you hear that?”

“What? Marc, this is serious. You have to come back, have to snap out of this.” He sounds desperate but the desperation doesn’t touch me, it can’t, not any more.

“Do you hear it?”

“Hear what? No, the only thing I hear is the sound of your heart beating and it is getting an awfully long way away.”

“That isn’t my heart.”

“Then what? Does it matter?” He is irritated now. He can’t understand why I am so calm. I can’t tell him that it is not calmness, it is... I don’t know what it is. I don’t care.

“Go back.”

“No. I am not going back without you. There is no way I am going to leave you here alone.”

Suddenly everything is gloriously and brilliantly clear. I know. I KNOW. I was brought here for a reason and they don’t even have to tell me what it is because I KNOW. It is a shame that it means, after everything I have been through, I will have to give up this life but at least it will be for a purpose.

“Go back and follow me.”

“Follow you?”

“I know where I am going. Make sure no one hinders me.”

“Marc, what is going on?”

“I know why we are here, what I have to do. It brought me here so that I can find the way without distraction, do what has to be done without hesitation.”

“It?”

“You will see.”

“But Marc, please, back there...” Not even his pain can touch me now. I thought I would love him for ever but not even that exists any more, not here.

“There is no back there, not for me, not any more.”

“You’re scaring me now.”

“Don’t be afraid. It is as it should be. It’s going to be alright. Just follow me and you will see.”

“Promise me that if I go back you will come to me. Promise me that when you have done what you have to do you will come back to me.”

I can’t meet his eyes. I don’t really want to. It isn’t important, he isn’t important, all that is important is that I reach my destination and do what has to be done.

“Go back Kai.”

“Look at me and tell me that you will come back to me.”

I look at him, I can’t help it. There is a terrible compulsion in his voice. There are tears on his cheeks and he looks sad, desperate but I can’t care. There is something inside me that tells me that I should care but I can’t.

“I’m sorry Kai.” Even here, in this place, it sounds sad, but not very sad; soft but not really regretful.

I do what I have to do... I turn and walk away and I don’t look back, I never look back.

It is a strange sensation; feeling my physical body slide from the sofa, stand and begin to walk whilst my awareness is walking through darkness following the sound of a heart.

There are times when it seems that there are obstacles in my path that I cannot see. I assume that they are happening to my physical body. There are times when I have to stop and then am allowed to proceed. At those times I can feel Kai’s arm protectively around my shoulders, his guiding hand, his voice raised in my defence and I have a sense of Gabriel too and they are fighting, always fighting, although here there is only peace.

And then there is something else, someone else... there with my body and here with my mind. It is a man, a tall man, with a long white beard and hair tied back behind his neck. I notice, without interest or surprise, that here I can see his wings.

“Do you know where you are going?”

“No.” It seems like a very strange question. If I had known where I was going I could just have gone there and I would not have needed to be split like this.

“Do you know what you will find when you get there?”

“No.”

“Do you know what you will do when you get there?”

I stop and look at him, pondering. Actually I do know, I hadn’t but as soon as he asked the question I knew. It makes me a little sad but also quite relieved. It means there is not going to have to be a war after all. None of my friends will be put at risk, no one will die.... only me.

“Yes. I am going to seal the gates again.”

“That is a big endeavour for one man.”

“I am not a man.”

“For one being.” Until now there has been little emotion in his voice, possibly a hint of amusement, of scorn. Now there is irritation.

“I will not be alone.”

“Do you expect your friends to join with you in this?” The scorn is back. He does not think that I am prepared for this, that I am capable, that I am enough. He is wrong.

“No, why would they, it is not their destiny.”

“Then who do you expect to help you?”

“The Source.”

“Ah. And what do you know of The Source?” He is surprised. Not quite so scornful now.

“Nothing.”

“How do you know it will aid you?”

“It is calling me. Why would it call me and not fulfil its promise?”

“What does it say to you?”

“Nothing. It just calls”

“And how do you know what must be done?”

“I don’t. I just know... I just know....” I sigh and lose interest. The whispering is drowning out his voice now anyway. I am very close.

“Very well, you may enter.”

He disappears and leaves me staring after him perplexed. Of course I will enter; there is no other way, no one who could deny me.

There is a glow in the darkness, a pillar of light surrounded by a pulsing aura of palest blue and purple. Unhesitatingly I walk towards it. I am aware of my physical body walking across a marble floor. There are others with me. Kai is close to my side and Gabriel on the other. Kai is afraid. I can feel his fear even as I dismiss it.

I am very close.

Just before I step into the light I feel hands pulling me back. Both my body and my mind and I turn to find both Kai and Gabriel before me.

“You can’t do this.”

“I have to.”

“If you step into that... that... thing it will tear you to pieces atom by atom. That is an energy stream more powerful than anything I have ever experienced or heard of.”

“It is a direct connection to The Source.”

“The Source?”

“The Source of all things; the creative energy; the soul of creation; God.”

Kai was not impressed. “And what will happen to you if you step into that?”

“I will be unmade. My energy will be released to seal the gateways. There will be no invasion, no war. Everyone will be safe, no one has to die.”

“Except you.” It was practically a whisper. If I had cared it would have torn me apart to hear the pain in his voice.

“Yes.”

“Damn you Marc. Stop speaking as if this doesn’t matter to you. What’s happened to you? Have you been brainwashed or something? You can’t just walk blindly into death like this, without a flicker of emotion, a care for yourself or anyone else. You just can’t do it Marc.”

There is a part of me that knows he is right, that cares about what he is saying, that wants it to be different. But it is a small part and most of me is disinterested and impatient. I want him to let me go so that this can be over. I am suddenly very tired.

“Marc... stop it. Please stop it.”

He is pleading with me and I know that it should be affecting me but it isn’t, it doesn’t touch me at all.

“It’s pointless.” I turn to Gabriel and what he has to say interests me even less so I turn away and face into the energy stream.

“No. I won’t let you go. I won’t.”

“You have no choice. There is nothing you can do to stop me.”

I turn, take a step forwards, and his hands fall away from me. I take another and I hear his last cry. I take another and the aura surrounds me. One more and I will be full in the stream. Below, I feel my body step with me.

“No! I will NOT let you do this. I will NOT let you leave me like this. I can’t, not after everything we have been through. Maybe I can’t hold you back but, then again, neither can you hold me.”

And he is beside me. As I take the last step, mind and body reunite and emotion crashes back. I try to stop myself, I try to pull back but it is too late.

“Kai...” I scream his name, half in terror, half in pain but I feel his arms around me, his face pressed into my shoulder and, on the other side another embrace and we fall together into the inferno.

It lasts for an instant and infinity. The pain is indescribable, as though every atom in my body is ripped apart and scattered throughout the universe. Kai and Gabriel are silent as am I but I hear our screams so clearly. There is no awareness of self, of body, even of soul but I know we are there, still holding on, still together.

And then there is nothing but stillness and silence. I wonder if I am dead. For a moment I think that I have completely dissolved and my atoms are scattered too far and wide to ever come together again. But...

I open my eyes to find that we are standing on the shore of a river. Kai and Gabriel are still beside me their eyes wide and shocked their faces pale and drawn. Kai pulls roughly away from me and stares hard into my face.

“Are you still being stupid?”

I can’t answer. I am too choked with emotion and what they have done for me. I shake my head and he grins like a fool and shakes me.

“Don’t you ever do something like that again?”

I shake my head and he pulls me close again. Gabriel steps back and I can feel his smile as he watches us

“So... what now?”

“Where are we?”

“You are nowhere and everywhere.”

We didn’t see anyone approach but suddenly there is someone there, a woman, dressed in a robe of blue with silver hair and eyes, and flowers in her hair.

“Who are you?”

“I am no one and everyone.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“She means that she is merely a representation of The Source, which is the stream of energy from which all energy flows... she is the representation of God.”

I don’t know where the words came from but they came. They are all staring at me; Kai and Gabriel with astonishment, the woman with affection. She glides forward and very gently cups my chin with her fingers.

“It is a heavy burden to place on the shoulders of one so young, the responsibility for saving the world from evil. Are you ready for it?”

“My lady, I have already made that choice. I am here.”

“Yes, you are here. Do you have any idea where ‘here’ is?”

“None. Are we dead?”

She smiled kindly and shook her head. “No, you are not dead, not yet. You have simply been ‘moved’ to a place where we can talk. Where I can see you and speak to you and know your heart.”

“Not yet?”

Kai’s voice is sharp and the woman turns to him and smiles, a beautiful, heart wrenching smile. He falls silent and hangs his head. She turns her beautiful eyes back to me and it seems as though she looks straight through my flesh into my heart, my soul.

“You know of the prophesy, what is expected of you?”

“Yes, I know. I have the energy of the races within me in equal balance, I am the perfect sacrifice. I must give up my life so that my energy can heal the rift and seal the gates.”

“Marc no, you can’t do that. You said... you said...”

He is in torment. His eyes are wide and, at the same time, pleading, angry and frightened.

“Kai...”

“No. I won’t let you do it. Not again.”

“Are you fully prepared and able to fulfil it?”

I am confused. Have I not already done what is expected of me? “I thought I had. Have I not already proved that I am ready?”

“You were acting under the weight of your destiny. You did what you had to do not what you wanted to do and when you were released you tried to pull back. It is not enough to be a sacrifice... it has to be a willing sacrifice and not just by you, but by you all.” She lets go of my face and stands back so that she can take in all three of us with her eyes. “I will ask it of all three of you. Are you ready and able to make this sacrifice?”

“No... I won’t. I won’t let him go. After everything we have been through... I can’t. I can’t lose him now. I’m sorry I...” He drops his eyes under the steady, completely neutral gaze.

“Kai...”

“No Marc. I can’t believe that you would even contemplate this.”

“Kai...”

“No! I can’t.” He flings himself to his knees in front of me and throws his arms around my waist, his head thrown back, his face turned up to mine. “Please Marc, please. Don’t do this to me, don’t leave me, please.”

I want nothing more than to do the same; to fall to my knees; to cling to him; to promise him that I will never leave him, but I can’t... my senses are full of the madness of war. I have seen it, in my mind’s eye and it is more than I could bear. The earth is unprepared. Humanity as a race have degenerated so far they are less capable than infants of standing up to what is coming. They will be mown down like corn in the fields.

I have seen the men fall trying to protect their families, their neighbours, their countrymen; from nameless horrors they have no means to comprehend let alone stand up against. I have seen the children torn from their mothers arms, the faces twisted in the horror of vile death. I have seen the rivers running with blood, the empty streets piled with decomposing bodies. I have seen the dark things pull themselves from the gaping chasms in the earth which belch red fire and sulphur. A picture of hell indeed.

And the other races are not strong enough to save them all. The Vampire and the Malakh are too few to fight them all and most would not want to save humanity even if they could as they have been treated too badly by them. The best that we could hope for is to withdraw and hide.

The world as we know it would end, with the loss of so many lives. The earth would become black and dead, inhabited by the creatures of nightmare, the darkness of despair. And it would all be my fault.

But how can I explain this to Kai? How can I say anything to take that look of desperate pleading from his face? I look up at Gabriel and he meets my eyes steadily. He understands; he truly understands, I can see it and I know that this is why he has been brought here.

“Kai, you have to let go, you have to.”

“No... you promised...”

“Kai! Listen to me! NO!! Kai you have to listen. Either you let me go or you watch everything you love and value die and turn to ash. May; Beth; Darian; Sanctuary; humanity; the earth. You can’t do that Kai. You are hurting, I know you are hurting but you can’t allow that to happen”

“Yes I can. I don’t care about them, about any of them. We can go away, we can hide, we can...”

“Where can we go to hide from that? When the dark ones come there will be nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. You know that Kai, you KNOW that.”

“NO. I won’t do it, I won’t allow it. I can’t... I can’t...”

“Stand up.” I can’t bear the pain in his eyes but I can’t look away. At first he looks as though he is not going to comply but then he does and he stands looking at me, like a whipped puppy. He knows he is not going to win this. He knows.

I have no idea why I am being so calm. I don’t feel calm, I feel as though someone is scooping out my heart with a spoon. I know I have to do this but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, that it doesn’t hurt more than anything has ever hurt before.

I brush the hair away from his face and rest my hand on his cheek. He closes his eyes and won’t look at me. I don’t care. I lean forwards and kiss him, brushing my lips against his until he relents and they part and then I pour my essence into him; the images of death and destruction that had come to me; the hope and trust that came with the knowledge of the prophesy and who I am; the love I feel for him; the pain and uncertainty that I feel; my desperate need for his strength.

He chokes and pulls away. He is shaking, sobbing. He can’t look at me. At first he looks as if he is going to run and then he grabs me and pulls me against him and I am resting my head on his shoulder, his strong arms around me, giving me strength, support.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me Marc. I have agreed to nothing.”

“Yes you have.”

“NO!! I... I... NO!” He is frantic, almost screaming, trembling so hard I fear he is going to drag both of us down.

“Kai... Kai you...” I try being gentle but it gets me nowhere.

“No.”

“Kai...” This time I try being sharp but that doesn’t work either.

“Marc I can’t do this. I can’t let you go, I can’t. I know what the consequences are, I know what you are saying, what you mean, what you want. I know what I should do, what I have to do... but I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can. I can do it, and you are stronger than me.”

“Stronger? Than you? You are insane. You are stronger than I could ever hope to be.”

“But only when you are with me. I need to do this Kai, I have to but I can only do it if you are with me all the way. I am not strong enough to do this alone.”

“I....” He is wavering, I can feel it. The strength to fight is leaking from him.

“Please Kai. How could I live through that future knowing that it is all my fault? How could I look anyone in the eye knowing that their suffering was because of me? How could I live in a world that died because of me?”

“Marc...”

“Think about it Kai, please think about it. Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t hold on to me and make me go through that. Because I can’t go if you won’t let me go.”

“That’s not fair.” He sounds angry again, but it is a different kind of anger, it is a defeated anger.

“None of this is fair. After everything that has happened to us, both of us, this is about as unfair as it can be. I thought... I thought... but it can’t be. We can’t be happy together in that world Kai. If you hold on you will lose me anyway.”

“But...”

“Kai... you know it’s true. You know I’m right”

“No...” But he doesn’t sound so sure now. He doesn’t seem sure at all.

“Come on Kai, please. Please understand. Please help me.”

I can’t keep up the pretence; can’t keep the pain, the uncertainty, the vulnerability, out of my voice. Surprisingly it is this which finally gets through to him. He pulls back and looks into my eyes.

“Are you sure about this? Are you really sure? So sure that there is no room for the slightest doubt?”

“No.” I shake my head and hate myself for the look of hope that flares in his eyes; that I immediately extinguish with my next words. “I have doubts. Of course I do. I am full of doubt. That’s why I need you. I have to do this Kai. I have to do it. We all do.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this. I can’t believe that I could ever let you go, not like this, not... but... I love you, I love you so much. I love you enough to... to...”

He can’t say it but I know what he means and I love him for it, I love him more that I could possibly express, except when I look into his eyes and then I can pour everything I feel into that one look. Kai hugs me close and holds me so tight that I can hardly breathe but I don’t care, I want him to squeeze me this hard, harder still, so hard that he squeezes all the doubt and fear away but no one can squeeze that hard.

Eventually I have to pull back and look up at him. I can’t bear it any longer, the fear, the doubt, the pain. I have to end this, and I have to end it now.

“I love you Kai.”

“No... not yet....”

“I’m sorry.”

I pull myself out of his arms and step away. He tries to hold on, to come back to me but Gabriel holds him. At first he fights him but then he seems to collapse inwards and turns away. Gabriel takes him into his arms and the look that he gives me over his head says it all. I am more grateful to him then than I have ever been to anyone for anything.

I turn away and walk towards the woman. She is smiling at me. I look up into her eyes, my heart pounding but my mind curiously calm. I know that she is the instrument of my death and I am ready, I go to it willingly with full knowledge and acceptance.

She smiles at me and it is the sweetest saddest smile I have ever seen. “I could not be more proud of anything than I am that you have done this. You have given the world the greatest gift that anyone could give but...” She looks over my shoulder at Kai and tears begin to flow from her eyes. I am curiously disturbed by this. It is not what I expected. “...it is not enough. It is not that simple.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You were brought here, all of you together, because you all have a part to play. This sacrifice is not just yours.”

“I...I still don’t understand.” I am confused. I have just put my life in her hands and she tells me it is not enough. What else do I have to give?

“I’m sorry Marc, I am truly sorry. If I could accept your sacrifice I would, but it is not enough.”

I am totally confused now. I was ready to die, to give my life to her, everything I have to give and she is telling me it isn’t enough. What more is there?

She takes me by the hand and leads me back to Kai and Gabriel. Kai senses something and looks up. Seeing her he pulls out of Gabriel’s arms and stands up straight and proud, his head high his eyes sparking.

“What? What more do you want from me? You have taken everything I have to give.”

She shakes her head; so sad, so very, very sad. Kai looks confused, angry, tormented. She holds his eyes and slowly reached into her robe. When her hand withdraws it is holding a knife. I would say it is silver but it is no metal that exists in our world. The blade looks as though it is sharp enough to slice through sunlight. She holds it out, hilt first to Kai and he backs away as though he is afraid that the touch of it will disintegrate him.

“No, oh no, no, no, no, no.” He is shaking his head, his eyes wild. “Not that. You can’t ask that of me. You can’t. Not that.”

The woman does not move or speak, simply stands, the sad smile on her face and in her eyes, her hand outstretched, offering the knife.

Kai is still backing away but Gabriel stops him; pulls him back into an embrace. I can see that he is sobbing uncontrollably. Gabriel is whispering to him, words that I can’t hear. I hate this. I want it to be me, not Gabriel, me... but I know that there has to be a degree of separation or there is no hope. Although what I want is to run to him, to take him in my arms, to kiss him, to comfort him, I just stand and watch while someone else does it. It is all part of the sacrifice.

I close my eyes, trying to order my chaotic thoughts by shutting out the images that are tearing out my heart. All I can see is the tortured look in Kai’s eyes; all I can hear is the beating of my heart, a sound that will soon stop.

A sound makes me open my eyes. Kai is as white as a ghost, even his lips pale as milk. The only colour in his face... or the only colour that isn’t white is in his eyes, which are coal black mirrors, silvered by the reflection of the woman and the pale unnatural light that surrounds us. He walks forwards three steps like a man in a dream and holds out his hand.

As soon as his fingers touch the blade of the knife the woman releases it and steps back. She seems to glide across the earth and suddenly she is on the other side of the river, watching but playing no further part in what transpires.

Kai is as still as a statue, his eyes fixed and staring. I know instinctively that he will not be able to do this alone, so does Gabriel and we exchange a glance over his head. Even though my heart is beating so fast it deafens me and weakens me so that I can barely move, I walk forwards until I am less than a pace away. He looks up as though he is surprised to see me.

There is so much pain in those eyes and it hurts me that I am, again, the cause of such torment to him. Part of me knows that none of this is my fault but that part is buried far beneath the part of me that is screaming that it is ALL my fault, that it is ME causing him this pain, ME who is making him suffer like this.

Very gently I close my fingers around his hand, the one that holds the knife and bring it towards me so the point of the knife touches my chest. His eyes widen and his fingers tense in mine but he doesn’t pull away. I am hardly aware of Gabriel moving but suddenly he is behind me reaching around me to put his hands over ours. I am, at the same time relieved and afraid.

“I love you Kai. I love you more than you could begin to imagine, more than it is possible to put in words and I love you so much more for doing this.”

He squeezes his eyes shut unable to bear the pain of looking at me. I close my eyes too and lean my head back to rest on Gabriel’s shoulder.

“Make it quick.”

And he does.