To Have and to Hold - 14. Chapter 14

“Help me.”

“Hush. It’s alright. I’m here.”

The voice comes from a long way away and I can’t tell from which direction, it is all around me. It is gentle and soft and soothing and the mind behind it touches me and sooths me. It is a voice that is familiar and safe. I can trust this voice, I can let myself... let myself....

I am falling backwards but slowly, sinking into darkness, through its cool soft layers, stroking me like gentle fingers, smoothing away the pain until there is nothing but emptiness and stillness.

“Marc? Are you awake?”

I can’t help but smile and I let my eyes slide open.

“No.”

“That’s sarcasm isn’t it? Even I recognised it that time.”

“You’re learning.”

“Are you alright?”

“I feel... strange. There was pain but it’s gone now. Where am I?”

“Sanctuary. In the infirmary.”

“How did I get here?”

“Kai brought you,”

“Why?”

“Don’t you remember?”

“Remember what?”

“That man? Merticus. What he did to you?”

“What.... I...?” and then memory floods back, slamming into me like a fist in my guts. I can smell his smell, see his eyes, feel his hands on me, his body invading me. “No....Noooooo!”

I sit up so suddenly I almost smash heads with her, until the pain rips through my stomach and I fall back, every muscle in my body screaming. Turning on my side I curl up and hug myself willing the pain to go away; the aching in my body and in my heart.

“Marc, are you alright?”

I can’t answer her, can’t speak. I am in torment, body and soul. I want to scream, scream, scream but I can’t because if I start I will never be able to stop. I can’t let any of it out because if I do I will lose myself and I can’t let that happen.

“Marc..? Um... Can I do anything?”

She puts her hand on my back and strokes me. At first I stiffen, the touch of another hand just makes me think of his.... but I force myself to relax, not to throw her off because I know that would hurt her and Beth so does not deserve to be hurt by me. I feel so broken, so violated, so...... dirty and defiled. I keep replaying it, over and over and over and over. I can’t stop it, like a movie on the inside of my eyelids, but when I open my eyes it is still there, the smell of him, the sight of him, the feel of him.

I am crying, weeping helplessly, hopelessly, my body shaking. I can’t stop.

“Shall I get Kai?”

“NO!” My mind is thrown into a complete panic. Not Kai... not him. I can’t face him, I can’t let him see me like, this. Oh my god how can I ever look into his eyes again, how can I face him when... when my body has been....? I twist around and grab her arm, ignoring the pain, staring into her eyes. “No, please... please don’t do that, not Kai. I can’t see him, not like this, not yet. I can’t.... please don’t let him come here, please...”

“But Marc, Kai has been here the whole time. He loves you, he wants to help you.”

“No. Please Beth. I can’t. Not him, not now.... please.”

She looks deeply troubled, her face drawn and frowning. “It will hurt him terribly Marc. He rescued you all by himself. He loves you very much.”

Her words are like blows. I know that, I know, I know but... but.... “Noooooo” this time it comes out like a moan and I turn away, curling up again, the sobs move violent than ever, the screams closer to the surface.

“Alright... I won’t get Kai... I’ll get Darian, I think... I think he should....he can....”

I can sense that she is glad to get up, to leave me. Suddenly, capriciously, I don’t want her to go but I can’t turn around, can’t tell her. “Please don’t go.” The words are whispered, so soft she doesn’t hear and then she is gone and I am alone. “Don’t leave me alone.” But it is too late.

I have a strange pain in my stomach, not like a feeding pain but something deeper, something sharper. I have a sudden memory of something invading me, tearing me and with the memory the pain stabs deeper and I curl up tighter trying to make it go away and I succeed to an extent, it doesn’t go away but it dulls, the sharpness turning into something that is more like pressure.

A strange sensation begins to grow, as though I am being slowly turned inside out. It doesn’t hurt, but it is shocking. I can’t move, I can’t make a sound, I can barely breathe. Something is happening to me, something bad and I am alone and helpless. Someone help me; please help me.

Suddenly I realise that the bed beneath me is wet, there is a sharp tang in the air, the scent of blood. Oh my god, I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding a lot. For a moment I panic then some instinct turns on and starts to search for damage, to repair myself.... and then... and then... I remember. I replay it all over again, feel the pain, the humiliation, the violation.

I am not myself any more, I am someone else, someone who is broken. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to see it in Kai’s eyes, to see that he sees what I am, what I have become. I don’t want to see pity, shock, horror, revulsion.

With something of a struggle I force myself to stop healing, I make the muscles relax, the tears open, the blood flow. It doesn’t hurt, doesn’t scare me any more. It is right; the way it should be. It is so easy, so very easy and no one will ever know. No one will see what a coward I am that I can’t face this, can’t face life in this body now that it is.... broken.

It is not very long before I begin to drift. I feel warm and safe and finally at peace. I am making my blood thin, making it flow more swiftly and already I can feel the beat of my heart slowing, my blood pressure dropping. My body starts to shake and I know that I have lost enough blood to send it into shock. Soon I will lose consciousness and I will never wake again, never have to face what I have become, never have to see the pain in his eyes.

And then there are voices, hands turning me, someone calling my name. No... I don’t want this... I don’t want it. Leave me alone, leave me alone and let me sleep.

“Let me sleep”

But they won’t let me go. As fast as I try to slip away they come after me and draw me back. There are hands on my stomach directing healing energy into me, repairing the damage, stopping the flow of blood. No... no... no. I don’t want this, I don’t WANT this. “No... no... no...”

And then finally the darkness comes.

*-*-*

When I open my eyes again I am alone. The bed beneath me is clean, the pain is gone, my body is whole... well... except.... There is something... something I can’t define, can’t understand but... it isn’t important. What is important is that I am not dying any more and now I have to face life. Turning on my side I weep.

The door opening and closing startles me and I look up, praying that it isn’t Kai. It is Darian and I relax. He sits down and looks at me, his face calm and unreadable.

“How are you feeling?”

“Sick.”

“Is there any pain?”

“No.”

“Do you have any strange sensations anywhere? Anything that doesn’t feel right?”

“Nothing feels right.”

“Can you be more specific?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.” He pauses and looks at me. It is a very direct look and makes me feel uncomfortable. “I know what you did.”

“What?”

“I felt you resist me when I was healing you, and I know from what you did before that you could have healed yourself. You didn’t want to be healed. You wanted to die.”

I look up at him for a moment, tears still running from my eyes, my heart like a brick in my chest, filled with pain. I nod. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because.... because.... I... I .... my body... he...” I can’t speak of it. I can’t bring myself to put into words what he did to me. “I can’t live in this body. I can’t bear the thought of anyone ever touching me again. I can’t bear the thought of anyone looking at me, knowing.... I don’t want to live like this, I don’t want to live at all.”

“That is a natural reaction to what happened to you. It will pass. Give it time and it will pass, so will the dreams and visions. The memories will fade in time.”

“But how... how did you know....?”

“They are all natural reactions, Marc. You should talk to Kai. He will understand.”

“No... no I can’t... I can’t do that. He would try to understand, I know that. But... but he loved me because of who I was not who I am now. I am... am... changed and I can’t bear to look at him and see that he can see that. And I know it isn’t logical, rational... but I can’t help it. The thought of seeing him makes me feel sick.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t make you face anything until you are ready to... well, almost anything. There is something you need to know.”

“Alright. What?”

“I have thought about whether to tell you or not but I think you have a right to know. You need to know and you need to make a decision.”

“A decision.”

“Yes, a decision that only you can make. I can help you, and I will help you, all I can but in the end you have to want to be helped, to accept that help.”

“I understand.”

“No, you don’t, not yet. The thing is that my healing wasn’t enough to get you through, I had to give you blood. You couldn’t feed and if I hadn’t you would have died. To do that I had to test your blood and I felt that it would be wise to be thorough about that. I found some things that are.... surprising... but....that’s for another time... the thing that you need to know right now is that there is something in there that....

“Marc; Kai and Beth, between them they told me what happened to you, they had to so I could help you.” I close my eyes, curling up again at the pain this causes me. How many others know about my shame? Does May? Does Gabriel? I groan aloud at the thought. It is unbearable.

“Marc, look at me. This is important.” I can’t look at him. How can I? He knows, he KNOWS. “Please Marc, look at me and listen.”

He sounds gentle, not disgusted or angry. He is a healer, I suppose he is used to seeing broken people, perhaps I can bear to look at him after all. His eyes are calm and grave and I begin to relax.

“Thank you. I am aware that you were bitten by demons, reptilian creatures.”

The memory hits me like a slap in the face and I see them, I feel their teeth in my flesh. “No... no... I....”

“Calm down Marc, it’s alright. It’s over now, they are dead, gone but... when they bit you, they injected a venom into your blood. It is not something I have ever seen before but... it seems that it is....” He pauses, looking at me with such gentleness, such sadness that the vision is broken, the fear and pain release me and a new fear begins to grow. “It is attacking your blood, I thought that perhaps if I drained your own blood and replaced it, that when you feed and replenish it would clear and you would be alright but... it doesn’t seem to work like that. The tiniest amount replicates itself and spreads quickly.

“I am working very hard on finding an antivenom but... at the moment there isn’t anything I can do for you. I don’t know if you can use your own healing energies to hold it off but I would doubt that you can get rid of it altogether. You might be able to buy yourself some time until I can find a permanent cure.”

“What are you telling me?”

“In simple terms? The demons poisoned you. At the moment I can’t find a cure and unless I do it will kill you.”

“Oh.” The news does not shock me. How could it? This is what I wanted after all isn’t it.

“Is that all you are going to say? ‘Oh’?”

“What else can I say? You know how I feel. I don’t want to live. What does it matter how I die?”

“These feelings will fade Marc, you are young and strong and you will come to terms with what has happened to you. Then the feelings of revulsion and of rejecting your body, your life, will fade. When that time comes you will want to live again so don’t deny yourself that. You have to fight, as long and as hard as you can.”

“No I don’t. I’m tired. I don’t want to fight any more.”

“Marc....”

“I am very tired now. I need to sleep.”

“Marc, please listen....”

“No. I don’t want to listen, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to fight. I want to sleep. Please, just let me sleep.”

“Alright. Rest then. It is almost dawn. I will speak to you again tonight.”

“Yeah. Fine. Great. Tonight.”

I close my eyes and don’t open them again until I am sure he is gone. I am tired, so tired that it feels like my bones are aching but, now that it comes to it I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes all I can see is his face, all I can smell is his smell all I can feel are his hands, his body. It builds and builds in me until I can’t take it any more, I can’t hold it in and it rips through me. Helpless in it’s grip I can’t make it to the toilet or even off the bed, all I can do is curl up tighter and hang my head over the side as I vomit blood onto the floor.

At first it shocks me but, ever practical my mind prompts me... what else would it be? What else have I ‘eaten’ since the change? Will I ever get used to this? Will the sight of blood ever be as ‘normal’ and unemotive to me as it is to Kai.

Kai... the thought of him makes me shudder and brings another wave of sickness. When it is over I roll over onto my back with a groan. He is sure to know by now that I don’t want to see him, otherwise he would be here. He is sure to be confused, in pain, and all because of me. How can I bear it? But I can, of course I can. Because it is better than the alternative; to look at him and see disgust and horror in his eyes, to see the hesitation before he touches me, if he can bear to touch me at all. If I can. And now.... now.... how can I ask him to stay with me, to watch me die? No, in the long run my way will be less painful.... for both of us.

I have to leave. The realisation comes to me like a blow. If I stay here I am bound to bump into him sooner or later, or he will come to me, I know it. At the moment he is confused, he knows that I am too. He will give me space, but once he knows what is happening to me, and he will be told soon... then he will come, he will not be able to help himself, I know him well enough to know this. Whatever he feels about me his sense of duty will not allow him to let me go through this alone... but I WANT to be alone. And so I have to leave.

I am surprised how easy it is to get out of bed, how strong I am. I feel light, as though, when I vomited I spewed out all the pain and confusion, the weakness and uncertainty. I am focused, I have a purpose, and that is to get as far away from Sanctuary as I can.

I am searching for my clothes when the door opens. I spin, stiffening, but it is only Beth and I relax.

“I’m not sure that you are supposed to be out of bed yet.”

“No, neither am I, but... hey.”

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for my clothes.”

“You didn’t have any on.”

A memory struggled to surface but I push it down viciously. I find that it is easier. If I can do this with them all then I can make it through. I know that suppressing bad memories is not a good idea in the long term but.... I don’t have a long term so what’s the harm.

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Can you find me some?”

“I can, yes. But....”

“Will you find me some? Please Beth, I need to get out of here, I have to get out of here.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. As far away from here as I can.”

“You are running away.”

“No I.... yes, I suppose I am.”

“You can’t run away from yourself Marc.”

“I know. That’s not what I am running away from.”

“Kai?”

I hang my head and nod. I expect a lecture, argument, persuasion and I am too tired and too weak to deal with any of them but I owe her that much.

“I have somewhere you can go, where you will be safe while you get better.”

“What?”

“It is scary out there Marc, and you are ill. You won’t get far alone. I have somewhere you can stay. Sometimes.... sometimes when things get too much for me I go there... it is a house, Pan’s house. He lets me stay, others too, people who... who need somewhere to hide. He will be cool with you. I will come and take care of you.”

“I... I don’t know what to say.”

“I think you are supposed to say ‘Thank you’.”

“Thank you Beth.”