To Have and to Hold - 15. Chapter 15

Well, that isn’t going to happen to us. I will listen, of course I will. I will listen and tell him that I understand and why I understand and we will take comfort in each other. I must remember to be gentle with him, to make him realise that I am not expecting anything from him, that I can wait until he is ready before we have a physical relationship again.

I remember how it felt, the first time someone tried to touch me, I remember how the memory flooded back, how, even though it was months later I was instantly back in the room with Merticus’ hands on my body, his stench in my nostrils, his teeth in my throat. I had lashed out and it was only May’s quick action and healing skills that prevented me killing someone who had reached for me in love. Yes, I remember, and I understand, only too well.

I can’t help but worry though. If only I could see him, speak to him, I could explain. I could tell him that I understand, that there is no need to go through all the recriminations, the dissecting of the situation to see if there is anything he could have done to stop it, the guilt for nothing he can consciously understand, the sense of defilement, the sure and certain knowledge that no one will ever want to touch him again in love, because he is damaged goods and can only be touched in violence. I need him to know that I understand and that I don’t look at him like that, that I never will. I want to save him the pain that I went through in those first days. I can’t bear the thought of what he is suffering mentally and physically.

I was never hurt as badly as he was. I had already been in a relationship with Gabriel for many years and I was…more experienced. I was not torn and physically damaged, only in my mind. And those snake things… Beth has told me about them, what they did, what Merticus said about their venom and the effects it had. I can’t imagine what he must have felt, what he must have gone through.

I want to tell him, to hold him. It is unbearable. I can’t do this. He is only turning away from me because he is afraid. It is pointless, ridiculous. I must go to him. I must go now and explain. I am sure that if I explain he will be so relieved and he will be comforted and he will want me again.

Even before the though is consciously formed I realise that I am already on my way, in fact, I am here. I sense three presences in the room, none of them is Marc and they are anxious, speaking in low voices, urgently. What is happening?

It is Darian, May and Gabriel. They look up when the door opens, expectant, hopeful and their hopes are dashed when they see that it is me.

“What’s happened? Where’s Marc? What’s happened to him?”

“Kai… calm down. It…he… he’s…we were kind of hoping he was with you.”

“With me? But….”

“He’s gone Kai. He was in a bad state when I left him earlier today. I should have realised, I should have watched him more carefully. I’m sorry.”

“Darian…” I don’t know what to say to him, to any of them. I am stunned, shocked. I know that Marc is not here, not in the building, not at Sanctuary. He has gone and he didn’t take me with him, he didn’t even say goodbye.

“Do you have any idea where he would go?”

“I… I don’t know. Why? Why did he do this? Why did he run away from me?”

“Have you spoken to him at all?”

“No. He didn’t want to see me. Beth told me that he was confused, that he wanted…. I thought that if I gave him space… if I let him see that I… but it just made him think I don’t care, it made him believe that I had rejected him, just like……” I can’t look at Gabriel but I know he felt my words like a blow. I feel him reel. “If he is anything like me then he will be running directionless, not towards anything, just away. He will be afraid and in pain and wanting to erase it all by running and he won’t stop until either he reaches somewhere he has to stop or someone or something stops him.”

I am cold, dead inside, remembering how I felt, remembering how much I wanted someone or something to stop me and how glad I was when they did. I had been lucky, I’d had May, Marc has no one.

“Beth’s gone. I am not sure whether she went with him or after him.”

Relief floods me like a shower of cold water. He does have someone. I am… disappointed that it wasn’t me but…he has someone.

“I hope that she’s enough.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you remember May? You had to work hard, for a very long time to stop me wanting to die. In the end you saved my life so many times I had to start believing that it was worth something. I don’t know if Beth could do that.”

“No Kai, she can’t.”

“What do you mean?” Darian is looking at me with the strangest expression in his eyes. He hangs his head.

“I… that is why Marc was so upset today I think. I told him…I thought he should know…” he broke off and looked at his feet. I stifle the desire to shake him. He is a healer, he spends all of his time caring for the sick, he has no life and no life experience. I cannot expect him to realise how much every pause tears me up inside. I can sense something in him, something so bad that I don’t want to hear it but if it has to be said it has to be said quickly or the fear of it will consume me before it can leave his lips.

“Just say it Darian. Tell me what you’ve done.”

“It’s not what I’ve done Kai. It was those creatures, those snake demons. Their venom is…it’s poisonous and it’s killing him.”

My world has ended. Right here, right now it stops spinning and everything …ends. Darian is speaking but I am no longer listening. May’s hand is on my arm but I no longer feel it. Gabriel is projecting calm but I won’t accept it. They all care about me but I don’t…. I don’t care about anything, nothing at all except for the fact that the one person in the goddamn world I care about is out there somewhere, sick, hurt, in pain, his life slipping away and I am not there to hold him, to MAKE him be well again.

“Kai, listen to me. Please, listen. I am working on this, every moment I can. I am working on a cure and I am sure I will find it… but… I don’t know if I will be in time. I don’t know if he will let me.”

“What do you mean?”

“He wants to die Kai, he WANTS to die. When I was healing the physical damage of the rape he blocked me every step. I had to fight with him to save him. He didn’t want to live… and he still doesn’t. He can fight the venom, probably not cure himself but certainly buy time, enough time for me to find a cure… that is what we were talking about today… but he won’t. I know he won’t, I could tell.”

“No… he won’t.”

I am sure of it, as certain as it is possible to be. He will want to die, just like I did and unlike me he doesn’t even have to go looking for it, he just needs to sit and wait for it to come to him.

“I have to find him.”

“We are doing everything we can.”

“It’s not enough Gabriel. Whatever you are doing it’s not ENOUGH.”

“Kai, we can’t perform miracles. I have everyone I can spare searching physically and psychically. Salem has exhausted himself searching for his energies but he is too good at shielding. He is hiding himself and Beth. There is no trail to follow. The two of them stepped out of the front doors at sunset and they simply disappeared.”

“There has to be something, some clue, something. Have you tried my flat? He has things there… he will need his clothes, his stuff… he will go back.”

“I have someone there. No one has tried to get in. Nothing has been disturbed. If he goes there we will know.”

“What about the lake? That’s where we used to meet. No… it is our special place… it will remind him of me so he will avoid it.”

“I’ll put someone there anyway.”

“What about Beth, where does she go when she isn’t here?”

May blushed and hung her head. “I have no idea. Beth generally does not leave the house, certainly not alone. There are times when she disappears, I have always believed that she just locks herself in her room. Perhaps she does have a bolt hole, somewhere she goes but if so I don’t know about it and I would be very surprised if anyone else did. She…she doesn’t talk much.”

“What about friends? She must have friends… someone.”

May shook her head.

“How long do we have?”

Darian shook his head. “I have no idea. The pathogens are attacking his blood, mutating the red blood cells, I have no idea what effect it will have on him. The mutation is happening quite quickly. I have tried to give him transfusions of clean blood but the pathogens multiply so fast that within an hour of the transfusion they are as profligate in the new blood as they were in the old.

The actual mutation seems to be taking longer, they invade the cells slowly, changing them subtly. I don’t know how long it will take until the mutation is complete or what it will do to him when it is. I do know that this is not a changing, it is not something that will change Marc, this is an invasion and its only purpose is to bring death. If I had to guess I would say no more than three days, less if he is assisting the process, more if he chooses to fight it.”

I feel sick, physically and radically sick. I turn and run, and only just make it to the toilet before I vomit violently into the pan. I can’t remember the last time I was sick. Vampires tend not to get physically ill, when they do it is usually terminal. However, being creatures of energy we are emotive and emotional pain often provokes drastic physical reaction. It has been a long time since I have cared enough about anything to get this upset, this sick.

Afterwards I run my hands under the cold water and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I am a ghost, a pale shadow swathed in a dark veil. My eyes are dull and dead, black mirrors reflecting only pain, which remains as a gnawing ache in my stomach.

He’s dying. Marc’s dying and I can’t help him. I can’t hold him. I can’t comfort him. I am helpless. I have never been so completely and utterly helpless, not since… since… The memory of his face brings another memory, twisting my gut, this time with anger, helpless, hopeless rage. “I have something you want, no not want, need.” And it was this. He had the antidote. The bastard knew… when he said that the venom had curious properties, that it caused enhanced sensation ‘at first’ he knew what came after. And I killed him. I destroyed the only chance Marc had.

My legs go weak and can’t hold me and I fall to my knees, barely missing hitting my head on the sink. I wouldn’t have cared if I had. I wouldn’t have cared if I had splattered my brains all over the tiles. What’s the point of living? What’s the point of anything now? I could have saved him and instead, because of my impulsiveness, my anger, my hatred, I have damned him.

“Kai?” her voice was hesitant. “Kai, are you alright?”

Am I alright? No, I’m not bloody well alright, I will never be alright, never ever again. What a stupid fucking question.

“I’m sorry, I know that was a stupid question but I don’t know what else to say to you. I’m sorry Kai, really sorry.”

And I knew she is. She has cared for me all these years, in her own way. She is the only one who has.

“Listen, Gabriel wants to take you home, back to the Castle. He says that with Merticus gone there is a marvellous opportunity to bring down his entire organisation before they organise themselves under a new leader. He says that you would be so much better at leading that mission than he is.”

Is she mad? Does she really think that, with Marc the way he is that I would go ANYWHERE, do ANYTHING that would make it more difficult for him to find me if he needs me and I am hoping, oh gods I am so full of hope that he will need me, that before… before… that he will come back to me.

“I know… I know what you are thinking, but, seriously Kai, it will take your mind off things. It will give you something to focus on, something to do. I know you. If you don’t do this you will just sit around all day thinking. You will blame yourself and you will get sick again. Please Kai, please don’t do that. I don’t want to have to go back to the way it was. I don’t want to have to see you suffer like that again and… to be blatantly honest… I don’t want to have to keep listening for the call that takes me into god knows what to save your ass again.”

I am blazingly angry with her and I know it isn’t fair. I know that what she is saying is right and it is BECAUSE she is right that I am so angry. I KNOW that I would do a better job of leading a mission against the renegades than Gabriel. I KNOW that it would be better to keep busy, to keep focussed on something else. I KNOW that I am a hair’s breadth from slipping back into my self destructive depression. I KNOW that it isn’t fair on my friends, any of them to have to cope with me when I am like that and most of all I KNOW it is unfair on May, that I have asked far too much of her already and she has given unfailingly and unselfishly and she will continue to do so. I KNOW. I KNOW. But……

“I can’t May. Not now, not yet. I know that I have to do something, that I have to have a focus… and I do. Whilst there is still a chance of finding him, of bringing him back, of making him see the need to keep fighting until Darian can help him, of just… Whilst there is a chance my only focus is Marc.

“After…when… when this is over THEN I’ll go back to the Castle. I promise. I will go back to the Castle with or without Marc and I will do whatever Gabriel wants me to do… but not yet, not now.”

“Okay… that’s… fair enough. Shall I tell him?”

“Yes. I can’t… I can’t…”

“I understand. Are you going to be coming out of there any time soon?”

“Possibly.”

“Meet me in the library. I have an idea.”

I sit on the floor of the bathroom, with my head leaning back against the cool tiled wall and close my eyes, sensing May’s energy disappearing along the corridor. I can barely comprehend what is happening. It has all been so… fast.

It is less than two weeks from the moment I met Marc at the lake on that fateful night that has changed my life forever. Two weeks in a life of almost four centuries is nothing, the blink of an eyelid but more has happened in that time that in all the rest of it put together.

Above all I have loved more passionately, more deeply and more sweetly that I ever have before and been loved in the same way. I have no illusions. I am no callow youth. I know full well that Marc has left because of some ill conceived desire to spare me pain and not because he is rejecting me. If only I could have spoken to him before. If only I had waited at his side until he woke. If only it had not been Beth.

Although…. I have to admit that, out of all the vampires who make their home permanently or temporarily at Sanctuary, she is the one who will be best for him now. She will take care of him. Her sweetness will salve him and her directness will prevent him from sliding into depression. Perhaps she will even be able to persuade him to fight, to live… after all May had… eventually. Except there is no room for eventually, there is no room for anything, for thought, for care, for patience… there is just no room.

Oh god… this is a mess, this is such a mess. I should have gone after Merticus years ago.

“MARC!!” I scream his name, not verbally but psychically, a scream that is heard by every vampire within a mile of Sanctuary… it has to be, it is so raw, so deep, so loud. It is torn from me as my stomach twists again and I hunch forward over the toilet.

They are hammering on the door in seconds, all of them, and I just want them to go away. They are concerned for my, I know that. The scream was a clear sign of the depths of pain I am suffering and all who heard it would have felt that pain, but I didn’t mean it, I didn’t want it to happen, it just did. I wonder briefly whether Marc heard it and the thought horrifies me.

I can’t get up to answer the door. I know that it ought to, that people worry, that they care, but I can’t. It isn’t because I am not physically capable of it... just that I can’t. I suppose I don’t want to. The thought of facing people, of having to talk to them.... I can’t.

I am aware of a buzz of voices, some of them raised and then there is silence. I let the silence sink in to me but there is not much room amongst the chaos. I am surprised by the door edging open. I’m sure I locked it. It is Gabriel. Ah... yeah I locked it but he has never let things like locked doors stop him.

He sits on the floor, wedged between the toilet and the sink, one arm casually draped over the bowl... he manages to look insanely comfortable, at ease, cool. He always does.

“I’m not going to insult you by asking if you are okay. Clearly you aren’t. Why is it hitting you so hard?”

“You can ask?”

“You haven’t even known him very long.”

“I have known him for years, I have loved him for years, I have been in love with him for years, I just haven’t been ‘with’ him for long.”

“So what is so very special about him? He’s just a kid. Pretty, I’ll give you that, in a... angelic kind of way. Not my type and not, so I thought, yours. He’s too.... good.”

I have to laugh at the way he says it. Only Gabriel could make it seem like such a bad thing to be good.

“He is very special Gabriel... to me. Even without the Malakh thing, he is very special. He has a way of looking at the world, a way of walking through it without being touched by it. He loves everything and everyone and the whole world responds to that and loves him back. And he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see how beautiful he is, or how much he affects the people around him... he doesn’t allow himself to be touched by it, any of it. Only when he is with me.

“When we are together I feel that everything is as it should be. After all this time I feel hopeful. I feel that everything will be alright in the end, wherever that might be. He wakes places in me that have been closed all my life, not even you could touch them, and he not only touches them but blows them open and clears all the negatives, all the pain, the suffering, the doubt, the shadows, the dead wood, and it all just disappears. I feel more complete, more open, more hopeful, more myself that I ever have. I am stronger, braver, happier, lighter.”

“Sounds like a perfect little angel.” He almost spits out the sentence, the words thick with sarcasm.

“He is. Me... not so much.”

He is grinning now. “That sounds more like the Kai I know.”

“I don’t think he exists any more Gabriel. Not even I know this Kai. I’m lost. If I lose him.... I don’t know what I’ll do, what I’ll become. I already feel half dead inside.”

“I know. I felt it. So did everyone else. I care for you Kai, we all do and that cry.... Maybe you should pull back a bit. I mean.... Darian says... you know that.... damn, I am not good at this, it should be May but she’s too freaked.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not and you shouldn’t be. You can’t keep something like that inside. Is there any chance of you pulling back? Any chance that you can move on and let him go?”

“Not while there is breath in my body.”

“What about his?”

“I don’t know. I can’t think about it. At the moment I can’t think of the possibility of losing him. I can’t imagine a world without him. If that happens.... I don’t know what I’ll do, how I’ll cope, whether I will ever be able to move on. I don’t want to think about it. I can’t think about it.”

“Okay. I get that. So don’t think about it. Think about something else. Think about helping me save our people. Help me take down Merticus’ vile conspiracy. Make it his legacy if you wish.”

“Gabriel, you never change. You are not here to comfort me, you are here to manipulate me while I am vulnerable. Well, let me tell you something, I am not that vulnerable; never was never will be.

“Sure I will help you with your little war. I will do everything in my power to make the world a safer place for us, to wipe the memory of Merticus from the history books forever.... but not now, not yet,

“While there is a chance, no matter how slim, that I can find Marc and save him then I will not leave this place. I will stay where he can find me, and where I have chance to find him,”

“How do you know he is anywhere close?”

“I don’t, but I have hope. When there is nothing else there is always hope and Marc has given me that in bucketfuls. Right now I am mourning that he is in pain, and suffering this terrible thing without me but I will find him Gabriel. I will find him and when I do I won’t let him die. I don’t know how I can save him but I know that I will find a way. Somehow, somewhere I WILL find a way,”

“And then you will come to the Castle?”

“Yes, I promise. Then we will come to the Castle.”

“We?”

“Surprised?”

“Not at all. Not disappointed either.”

He is grinning now. His eyes are very blue. I had forgotten how they sparkle. Once I could lose myself in those eyes, once I lived only for the touch of those long pale fingers, once my heart beat only for him, my purpose in life was to be there only for him. Now... I would be a liar if I said that the look in his eyes doesn’t stir me, that the sight, sound, smell and sense of him doesn’t excite me... but I have had enough of excitement. My heart isn’t in it, it hasn’t been for a very long time.

He gets to his feet, lithe as a cat and holds out his hand to me. “Come on. Get on your feet. I’ll help you. I’ll get my healers here to work with Darian and I’ll get my hunters on the trail. I’ll even think of ways to keep you occupied while we are waiting.”

I take his hand. “I bet you will... just don’t expect me to join in with them.”

“Oh I’m sure I can think of something that will tempt you.”

“Tempt? Sure. Persuade? ....“ I shake my head sadly. There was a time when this kind of flirting excited me, with Gabriel, with others... but right now... it just makes me feel more weary than I have ever felt before.

My stomach growls and Gabriel laughs. “How about a hunt? That will take your mind off things fine. We still have a few hours until dawn. We’ll pick a hard one. There is nothing like fighting for your life to put things into perspective.”

“Yeah. You know what? I was wrong. You did find something to tempt and persuade me..... Let’s go.”