To Have and to Hold - 3. Chapter 3

Waking up

It is three days since my rebirth and we have not yet left the flat. It is like a womb, dark, enveloping, safe. We have drunk a lot of whiskey, talked, made love…. oh that is so sweet. After a lifetime of being alone to feel so close to another being, to be able to express it in such a way…. so sweet.

I am still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I could be loved by someone as amazing as Kai. He is perfect in every way. So many times I have looked into those dark eyes and asked ‘Why me?’ He just laughs and tells me I am beautiful… and in those moment I truly feel beautiful.

My body has changed such a lot… not obviously, not on the outside… but in so many subtle ways. I am stronger, my senses more acute. That is one of the reason why Kai does not want us to leave the flat just yet; the experience of the world outside… the noise, the smells, the thoughts and emotions would overwhelm me. I can believe it… just the experience of him is enough to do that.

It is strange to be able to see so completely in the dark, with no light at all but the strange red glow that comes into our eyes when we are aroused, stranger still to be able to speak and to hear without using my mouth or ears. Kai is teaching me to fine tune my abilities so that I can shield my thoughts from others and break through the shields of others when I need to. He is also teaching me the unique ‘flavour’ of his thoughts so that I can always communicate with him whilst shielding at the same time so that we keep our conversations private.

It is hard to control something that is so powerful and so new but I am making good progress, or at least that is what he says, I have no yardstick, no way to tell for myself. Kai is truly amazing… he has such control… of everything; his mind, his body. I could never hope to be so powerful but he still says that he is impressed with my progress, that he is overwhelmed by how strong and graceful and pure I am. I have to try not to laugh when he says that… I am nothing compared to him and he knows it, he surely must.

I feel like a child having to learn to walk again… not actually walk you understand, I mean with my new abilities. Sometimes it is hard, frustrating, painful even, but mostly it is exciting. The most exciting part is making love to Kai. I would do it all night every night but he says that is just a side effect of my crossing and it will pass. I hope not.

He is asleep now. It is an hour before sunset. We sleep during the day because we can only go out at night, not that we have gone out yet but Kai says I need to get my body into its nocturnal rhythm. I still think in days though, rather than nights. I asked him why we could only go out at night, whether the stories about vampires are true and we would burn to dust in sunlight? He just smiled and said that he hopes I will never find out… just don’t do it.

I often lie beside him and watch him sleep. He sleeps most of the time during the day. I don’t seem to need much sleep at all, and so I just lie here and watch him. He sleeps deeply. I can touch him, stroke his face, his chest, even his cock and he doesn’t stir… well maybe a twitch now and again. It makes me smile and I can easily lose myself in him for hours.

Tonight I am watching his chest rise and fall. He is broader across the shoulders than I had thought. I have always considered him to be slender, and he is, but it is a defined slenderness, the muscles are smooth and hard under his skin. I run my hand over them and he sighs. I love that sound so much, it is as sweet as his kiss, but not as sweet as his lovemaking.

I shiver with memory. Since the first night we have not been so…. wild. He is gentle and tender, letting me take it at my own pace and at the moment it is slow. I am afraid of how it felt, that first time. It was as though he led me to the edge of a chasm and I almost threw myself into the flames that spewed from its depths. At the time I was ready to leap and if I had not climaxed when I did, flying backwards from the brink, then perhaps I would have and what would have happened to me if I had.

I have not spoken to Kai about this. I don’t know why. I have thought about it often. Sometimes when I watch him sleep, sometimes when we are making love, but when it comes to speak of it I just can’t seem to find the words. I am afraid that if I try to tell him he will see it as a criticism or as a reason not to go there again and I want to go there. Even as I fear that place I want to go there again. There is a part of me, and it is a part that is glowing subtly stronger every time he touches me, that wants to know what will happen if I leap.

I am not well tonight. I feel restless and hot. There is a strange gnawing emptiness inside me that I have been aware of since this morning and it is getting stronger by the hour. I am not worried about it, not as such but it is disturbing nevertheless and I can’t wait until Kai wakes and I can talk to him about it.

Combing my fingers through his hair I let them rest on his collarbone and then trail down over his chest, making him sigh deeply and stir. I can’t help but smile. He is so beautiful, even with his eyes closed he is more stunningly gorgeous than my heart can cope with and then they flicker open and it all but stops. Sleepily he smiles up at me the darkness of his eyes deep and compelling. I slide my hand downward over his hard body and I see the red flame kindle deep within.

He laughs and pulls me into his arms, his lips soft and warm on mine and they make me shiver. He senses it and pulls me closer, holds me tighter. My heart begins to beat faster but it only makes the ache in my belly stronger and I groan despite myself. Kai pushes me away from him and looks at me, his eyes suddenly anxious.

“Is it time? So soon?”

Time? For what?

There is something in his voice and his eyes that scares me and I sit back, looking down at him as his eyes darken and a frown appears.

“Kai?”

“You need to feed.”

It was a simple sentence, a bland statement of fact but it fills me with a sick dread. Of course I had known I would have do it…. I already had, but that was different, I was barely conscious, reacting not acting, and it was Kai. But the reality of it…. the hunting, the feeding… I have neither thought about it nor wanted to face it, the inevitability of it. He sees it in my face, my revulsion, my fear and he pulls me down again, pressing my frantically beating heart against his.

“It’s alright. I’ll be with you. I’ll take care of you but there are some things you must know.”

“What things?”

What things? Worse than the fact that I am going to have to rip out the throat of another human being, end a life, steal a person? Damn…. there it is, right there in that sentence… my mistake… my big mistake…..another human being… no, I am not another human being, not human at all, not any more.

“It is dangerous out there Marc. That is why I have kept you here, kept you to myself for so long. There are…. others. They are not all like you and I, some are….. less human and more…. There are those who would slit your throat in a second for nothing more than because you are who you are. There are those who would do it for pleasure and those who would do it for power.

“You are new, fresh, vulnerable. As soon as we set foot outside this flat every vampire and demon in miles will sense you and will be curious… or…. hungry.”

“Fuck. You make it sound dangerous.”

“It is. But I will be with you. I will protect you. Knowing that you are with me will be enough to put off the bottom feeders, they will sense me with you, sense my power and slink away but there are others who will be attracted even more by that. They will want to challenge me, to claim you from me.

My stomach dropped, shaking along with my heart. “You make it sound like I am an object, a prize to be fought over.”

“For a time you will be. It won’t last long…. a night…. two. Once you have fed you will be less…. new, less pure, you will blend in more and they will leave you alone, as long as you are careful. There is a whole different world out there to the one you knew. You have no idea what you have walked through in ignorance and never seen. And now it can see you.”#

“Kai, you are frightening me.”

“I mean to. You have to be aware of it, very aware. You will get used to it in time, you will learn to shield and protect yourself but until then you have to be careful. You have to shield well, the whole time, stay close to me and don’t speak to anyone, anyone unless I say so.”

He smiled, sensing my fear and confusion and hugged me. “It’s only for a while, a few days, I will introduce you to some friends tonight, they are powerful people and they will help protect you until you find your feet. Once you get used to it you will be fine.”

“Yeah, right, fine. Isn’t this something you should have been talking to be about before I took a walk on the wild side?”

“I have. It isn’t my fault that you chose not to listen.”

“You’ve told me stories, but that is all I thought they were; stories, fables, tales. I didn’t know they were real, you didn’t tell me that is the way it was… all the time."

“It isn’t, not all the time. You just have to be aware. Come on. Get dressed, we don’t have much time.”

“But it isn’t even sunset yet. We have hours.”

“There is a lot to do. Get showered and dressed, I have some calls to make. And…” he cupped my face with his hand drawing it closer “….don’t worry.” He kissed me. “I will look after you. I promise.”

Be that as it may I was shaking as I let the water wash over me in the shower. How naïve I had been, still am. I had thought that it was all about being with Kai, stepping into his world so that I could share it with him, be part of it… I had never really thought what a world it was likely to be. I hadn’t thought at all, not of anything but his shining hair, his deep eyes and his tight body. Oh gods what a fool.

Stepping out of the shower I stand in front of the mirror and stare at my reflection, hiding in the mist. I am nothing more than an indistinct blur… and that is how I feel. Wiping away the condensation I bring my face into sharp focus and it is something of a shock. The changes are subtle, but startling.

My hair is not as long as Kai’s nor so dark. I had taken to dying it black but that was gone now, somehow it had reverted to its natural colour, a deep auburn, the reddish glow prominent to my sensitive eyes. It has a tendency to curl at the ends and not lie smooth and straight like Kai’s. It is just kissing my shoulders, the curl is subdued by wetness but I know it is there. Kai likes it, likes to twist it round his fingers. Will my hair grow now or have I stopped, frozen as I am now, for eternity? I must remember to ask Kai. I try to think whether I have ever noticed Kai’s hair grow but it is so long and wild I wouldn’t really know.

I run my fingers through the damp heaviness, raking it straight, shaking out the kinks so that it lies smooth…ish. My hair is never really smooth, never the glossy silk sheet that Kai’s is. Already it is beginning to dry, the ends curling up, the tendrils softening around my face. I touch my cheek. It seems somehow different, more defined, smoother. I have never been plagued with bad skin but now it is flawless, ivory smooth, completely blemish free, just like Kai’s.

And then I pluck up the courage and look into my own eyes. This is where the biggest change has been wrought. I can see clearly that the person who looks out from behind these eyes is not the same person he used to be. For one thing the colour is different. They have always been very changeable, like the sea. Sometimes stormy grey, sometimes almost green and sometimes as blue as the sky. Now they seemed to have settled for a kind of startling shade that is not quite green and not quite blue. I am not sure I feel comfortable knowing that they are here to stay, not like this, they make me feel….. exposed. Yes, there is no doubt, Marc Adams is dead. I wonder who I am now.

*-*-*

We have been prowling the streets for hours. At first I was afraid, every shadow was sinister, full of movement and threat. I had closed down tight and was walking on eggshells, clenched, fearful, blind.

There were five of us now. When I got out of the shower there were three strangers in the living room whom Kai had introduced to me as Shade, Wolfy and May. Shade was a wisp of a thing, who was never still. Thin as a whip with frothy soft white hair and turquoise eyes I have still to work out whether s/he was male or female. Wolfy was almost the exact opposite, as male as they come, with a wild tangle of hair and beard, a real biker type and a feral look in his eyes that, frankly frightened me. However, I soon learned that he has a good heart and would be a very good man to have at your back in a fight. Of them all he is the one I most feel that I can trust.

May is a beauty, of that there is no doubt. She is tall, taller than me by a good few inches although not as tall as Wolfy. She has cat green eyes and red hair, a great tumbling, curling abandon of it. She looks like an Irish goddess, but is cold cold cold. She looks at me as though she is calculating to the last degree precisely what I am capable of and what worth I might be to her. She hasn’t smiled, not once, at least not at me… she saves those for Kai.

Although Kai remains tense and watchful nothing has threatened us as we have moved through the city towards the coast. The tang of salt in the air is so much stronger now, with my heightened senses, unfortunately so is the stench of urine, waste and sweat which is the key note of city life. We have almost reached the sea front and as it is now past one in the morning the crowds that have been spilling out of the bars and clubs are thinning.

There is an alleyway between two buildings, a bar which is still open, and an amusement arcade, which has long since closed. May has disappeared and, surprisingly Shade takes my hand and leads me into the alley while Kai and Wolfy take up station each side of the entrance, melting into the shadows.

The long, pale hand in mine is as cold as death and I shiver involuntarily as Shade leads me deeper into the alley, past the overflowing rubbish bins, the pools of stale urine, the splashes of old blood on the walls. I shudder and wonder if they have done this before… they seem so practiced at it.

Shade stops and turns to me. Looking deep into the strange, almost pupilless eyes I feel as though I am sinking, but at the same time rising, lifting out of my body. I have been shielding carefully the whole time but my shields might as well not have been there as I feel the cold eyes peer into the very core of my being stripping it and laying it bare.

“You are strange. I have never seen one such as you. Be careful of him Marc. Be very very careful.” The voice is as pale and fey as the creature from which it emanates and it makes me shiver, for some reason striking fear into my heart.

“Of who? Kai? Kai wouldn’t hurt me, he….”

“That is not what I meant. Kai is…. different, since there was you. He is fragile, a long time ago he was broken and he has never truly healed. There are shadows in his past and you have changed him, put him forever beyond their reach.” Shade was staring into me, making me intensely uncomfortable. “Be careful of him. Neither of you realise how different you are and how that difference has changed him. You are not like us, not like any of us and if he knew it he would run with you, as fast and as far as he could but no matter how far or how fast he runs he cannot escape it.

“He will be hurt Marc, hurt beyond your imagining, and so will you but you must trust him, you must believe that he loves you and that love will see you through your deepest nightmares. Don’t ever hide from him or run from him or only death will follow you.”

“What do you mean? Why would I run from him?”

“Hush, they come.”

I go stiff. Even with my enhanced senses I can hear nothing of them, see nothing of them but I can feel them. May has turned her thoughts to us and is coming back and with her is… is…. a human; a man; my dinner.

My stomach lurches at the thought. This is it. The true reality, what it really means to be… what I am. I feel as though I have just woken up, and I have woken into a nightmare.