To Have and to Hold - 6. Chapter 6

In the Full Light of the Sun

The pain in my chest is intense but fading. This surprises me quite a lot. I know that the knife missed my heart…. I’m not sure how I know it but I do. I know it with absolute certainty, just as I know that I have not lost enough blood to send my body into shock or to cause me any real harm. I had thought that I was in real trouble from the fact that when I took a breath my chest burned and bubbled and when I coughed my mouth filled with blood, but that seems to have stopped now. Perhaps this new body heals faster than it did before… a lot faster.

After Kai passed out I lay in his lap for a long time, letting the sun warm me, hours maybe. It felt so good. And then someone came. They didn’t see us, they passed a long way away, down by the edge of the water but it was enough to scare me. Soon the beach would be full of people and they would find us. How the hell would we explain this? Before we knew it we would find ourselves in hospital and then… and then… well I have no idea what might happen then… when the doctors find out that we are not human.

I know I had to move and so I moved and, after the first stiffness wore off it was surprisingly easy to get to my feet and stand, although I was really dizzy for a while. And now I feel fine… well relatively speaking. I have checked out the wound on my chest and it seems to be healing ridiculously quickly. It is already scabbed over. No more bleeding, not really that much pain. The only thing that worries me is that I am so weak. I can get myself to shelter but I can’t carry Kai.

He is so still and pale that it frightens me. He has a bad wound on his leg, which I have bound as best I can with strips of cloth from my jacket, and another on the back of his head, which I have not been able to do much with at all. His hair is full of blood, everything is full of blood. I think he has lost a lot of it, more than me, a lot more.

I can sense the life in him, feel his heart beat, the flow of his blood through his veins but it is sluggish and slow and I am really afraid.

I stagger slightly as I walk along the beach, away from the promenade and the people. It is hard to leave Kai alone but I have to find shelter, somewhere we will be safe until someone can come and help us. I have called already, called and called with everything that there is in me. I don’t have the connections that Kai has. He could have reached out to May, or Wolfy, or Shade or any one of the vampires he knows and has a mental link with. I know no one, am linked with no one but Kai and so all I could do was scream out silently, ‘help us, help us, help us’ over and over until I realised that I was effectively announcing our helplessness to everyone, good and bad alike and it might be better if I stopped. I can only hope that it reached someone who can help us, or that Kai will wake up and call to someone else.

About two hundred yards along the shore I strike lucky. Almost at the very end of the beach, just above the tide line is the mouth of a cave. It is low but looks deep. I crouch and crawl inside. It goes back a long way, a good few hundred yards and it is dry, floored with powdery fine sand. The beach outside is strewn with debris that I can use to block up the entrance, although I think it is unlikely that anyone ever comes here, it looks untouched, there is no scent of human, animal or anything else that I am aware of.

The next problem is how I am going to get Kai into the cave. He is too heavy for me to carry, I can barely carry myself. When I get back to him, he hasn’t moved. If anything he is even paler, even stiller, his breathing more shallow. Oh god, oh god what can I do? What should I do? What can I do?

“Kai? Kai, I really need you now. I need you to help me. Please my love, please help me.”

I am crouching next to him in the wet red sand, holding his hand, willing him to respond to me. I am projecting everything I have at him, all the love, the fear, the hope, the desperation. I am not doing it deliberately, I just can’t help it. I look into his face and it all comes out.

Kai’s body jerks like it had been electrocuted and his eyes fly wide. He looks completely lost and disoriented. I don’t think he can see me, not really, not knowing that it’s me. But I can’t worry about that right now. Right now I have to get him somewhere safe and then… then I can think.

“Kai…. Kai, you have to get up. You have to stand. You have to walk. I have found somewhere safe but I can’t carry you, you have to walk.” He doesn’t understand me, I can see that, he can’t even focus on my face and he is fading. I have to do this now or not at all.

Getting to my feet I pull at his arm and he seems to know what I mean. He is coming round a little more and I am encouraged.

“Kai, stand up. We have to get out of here, get somewhere safe. It’s not far.”

He still can’t look at me but he is stirring. With a lot of help from me he manages to get to his feet, leaning against the cliff wall. I am so afraid that he will fall again and I don’t know if I will be able to get him even this far a second time.

I drape his arm around my neck, talking to him all the time… he seems to respond to my voice, or perhaps my thoughts. As we push away from the wall he stumbles and almost falls, he can’t put any weight on his leg. I manage to save us and keep us upright, but only just. If he does that again we will both go down and I will not have the strength to get us back on our feet again.

Progress is slow… so very slow, painfully slow and all the time the sun is hot on my back, burning me, but more in my mind than my body. After all, it has only been three days since I last felt it’s kiss. I have no idea how this must feel for Kai after so long… if he is even aware of it, which I doubt.

We are almost at the cave, so close that I can see the white sand stretching back into the shadows, when Kai groans and stumbles. I try to move him forward as fast as I can before he falls and we are almost there. I am able to drag him the rest of the way. My strength is returning fast. My shirt is in shreds and I notice with surprise that, apart from the caked, dried blood there is barely any sign of the wound that almost took my life. I register the fact with a little surprise but acceptance… this must be the way it is now. So then why is Kai still so weak, so hurt?

I ponder the matter as I collect wood and seaweed to conceal the entrance to the cave. Inside it is cool and dark. Now no one will know we are here unless they deliberately pull away the debris to look inside. It has taken me some time, an hour perhaps, and in all that time Kai has not stirred. He is lying on his back, one arm stretched above his head the other laying across his stomach. He looks vulnerable, and it is all wrong. He is the strong one and I am the vulnerable one. Where did that get switched about? I don’t like it; I am not ready for this role.

I feel fiercely protective although I am not entirely sure against what it is he needs protection. I am strong again now, although the gnawing sensations of hunger pangs are creeping insidiously into my stomach, making it rumble and growl softly. It must be because of the blood I lost. I suppose that I need ‘topping up’. The thought makes me laugh out loud. It isn’t funny but I think I am slightly hysterical now that I have stopped acting and there is time to think.

Kai groans and stirs… at last. I lie down besides him on the cool white sand and take him into my arms. Despite everything it feels so good. I am careful of his bad leg, and, although I badly want to pull him onto me, to feel his heart against mine, I am careful of his head too and so I just lie there with my arms around him, trying to warm him with my body heat, to comfort him with my presence, to reach him with my love.

“Marc?” His voice is weak… so very weak, but the sound of it makes my heart soar. At least he is awake and he knows me.

“I am here.”

“Where are we?”

“Just a cave.”

“I had a dream.”

“Did you?”

“I dreamed…. I dreamed that … that we were…. were outside in …. in the sun.”

“It wasn’t a dream, my love. It was true. We were.”

His face creasing into a puzzled frown I see him struggle with the memory, the very thought of it. His dark eyes gleam in the blackness of the cave and he blinks slowly, trying to clear his head.

“Where are we?”

“Just a cave. On the beach.”

“How… how did we…. how did I…?”

“I found it. I helped you.”

“But…. but you… you were…. I thought you were….” He lays his hand against the side of my cheek and it feels like heaven, easing the burden of fear and pain that I have been carrying around my heart since I first heard that voice behind me. “Oh Gods, Marc… my love…. I thought that you were….”

“I know. But I’m not. See….” I take his hand and place it over my heart so that he can feel the strong steady beat. “I’m fine, strong again. I can take care of us.”

He closes his eyes and sighs, a soft exhalation, and then he opens them again slowly. “I am hurt.”

“Yes, I know. I don’t know how much, I have no experience in this. I don’t know what to do.”

He closes his eyes again and I sense a great weariness, he is slipping away again, falling into darkness and I am afraid. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified of being left alone.

“Kai, please…. please tell me what to do.”

“I can’t…. I can’t heal. No… strength… no…. too much….I…” his voice is growing weaker, fading but suddenly I understand. I am a bloody fool…eh… bad pun.

“I know what you need.” I am panicking now. How can I give him what he needs? How can I get someone in here for him to feed from? How can I save him? I force myself calm and the answer comes to me… of course.

“Kai…. Kai, listen to me. You have lost a lot of blood, too much. You need to feed my love, and there is only one way you can do that. You have to feed from me. Don’t worry. I’m fine now. I am well and strong see…” I haul him up to a sitting position, resting back against me, his head on my shoulder. He moans, his head falling forward. He is so weak. He can’t even hold up his head.

“Kai please, sweetheart please. Look … here… take it, bite, feed.” I press my arm to his lips but he doesn’t seem to understand. He is slipping fast, I can feel it, I can almost see the life leaving him. What can I do? What can I do?

Gritting my teeth I raise my arm to my lips and will my fangs to emerge, but they don’t. I try to bite myself, to tear at my flesh with my own teeth but they make little impact. I don’t have a knife, nothing sharp. My hand frantically scrabbles in the soft sand looking for something, anything but there is nothing, the cave is swept clean.

I am in a complete flap and I know it. I am trying to calm down but all I can think of is Kai, he fills my awareness to the exclusion of everything else. I am painfully aware that, although he is pressed against my chest, and although my awareness of such things is now drastically heightened I cannot feel his heart beat. I know he still lives because periodically he tenses, as though in pain, although he doesn’t make a sound, and when I call him, which I do often, in pain and panic, he is able to whisper my name.

I am almost hysterical. I know it. I am sitting watching the only person I have ever loved, die and it is so unnecessary, I can do something about it but this stupid panic is obscuring my mind. I have to calm down, I have to think.

Taking a deep breath, and then another, I try to calm myself. As I do I catch a scent that is normally so powerful it overwhelms me. There is blood everywhere, on my clothes, on my face, in my hair, all over Kai both where he has bled himself and where he has held me, bleeding, close to him. Perhaps……

I lift my shirt to my face and inhale deeply. The smell of fresh blood is tantalising but has no real effect on me… perhaps because it is my own. Leaning down as far as I can I bury my face in Kai’s hair. It is sticky and wet, still oozing from a deep gash on the back of his head.

For the first time since the crossover I am truly disgusted by what I am doing. Not even killing that man the night before turned my stomach like this… but it is for him, so that he can live… it is only for him. Closing my eyes and steeling myself I open my mouth and take in the sticky sweet ropes of wet hair and feel the sweetness on my tongue, tingling and burning my lips and mouth.

Without any measure of control I feel my body awaken, instincts made all the sharper by my own hunger and my newness to the process sparks fire in my belly and I very nearly lose control, very nearly push further through the hair deeper, lower to where the pulse still beat, faint but enticing, to taste the hot gush of lifegiving fluid in my mouth… the sweet, sweet blood, Kai’s blood, my lover’s blood and, with it his life.

Shocked rigid I realise that my lips are parted, my fangs already pressed against his throat. His head has fallen back baring the pale skin, exposing the vein and I had almost…

A cry of anguish is torn from my lips, making Kai start with fear his beautiful dark eyes searching for me, afraid that I am hurt or threatened… if only he knew.

Without a moment further hesitation I bend my head and sink my fangs into my own arm. The hot salty fluid bursts into my mouth but I take no pleasure in it. Quickly, so as not to spill a drop I transfer the oozing wounds to his mouth pressing my arm so hard against him that he has no choice but to part his lips and allow the blood to flow into him.

For a moment he is still, simply allowing the blood to trickle into his mouth and then, with startling suddeness he sits up and grabs my arm. There is a moment of pain as his fangs pierce me and he begins to suck and then it numbs and very quickly a warm feeling seeps through me, travelling up my arm, through my chest and into my head. A sleepy lassitude invades my limbs and my brain and I feel my muscles begin to relax as my head sinks forwards onto my chest, my eyes closing of their own accord.

The sound of my heart is very loud inside my head, it’s pounding the only thing that I am really aware of now. I note with mild interest that it seems to be getting slower and quieter. I am glad because the sound of it is giving me a headache. I will be glad when it stops.

No! Something prods into my awareness and I realise what is happening. I want to help Kai, of course I do, more than anything. I would gladly give my life for him, but not like this, not by making an unnecessary sacrifice of myself to him. I try to pull my arm away but he is holding tight and when I struggle he fights me. Oh dear, I hadn’t thought of this.

Suddenly desperate there really is only one thing I can do. I don’t want to do it but I have been a vampire for long enough, I have fed and I have seen the effects that it has on you, and then not even when your life depends on it. I know, with a sickening certainty, beyond any doubt that, if necessary Kai will fight me with ever ounce of strength in his being to continue to feed until his body has fed enough to be able to renew itself. By then I will be dead. I have lost too much blood myself to be able to spare much to him.

The only thing I can do is to fight him, to fight for my life and to do that I am going to have to hurt him. I want this over as quickly and cleanly as possible and so, hating myself every moment I bury my hand in his hair, right over the wound that is causing him so much pain and I pull with all my strength.

Kai hisses and makes a strange growling noise deep in his throat but he does not let go, if anything he holds on more tightly, bites deeper, sucks more savagely. No! This isn’t the way it is supposed to go. I was being heroic. I was saving his life but not at the cost of my own. I am feeling the effects of being drained more and more strongly by the minute. My limbs are heavy and I can barely keep my head up and my eyes focussed. My body is trying its best to shut down, to fall into sleep but I know beyond doubt that if I fall asleep will never wake again.

Weary, desperate, and heart sick, whispering apology to him if it works and to myself if it does not I raise my free hand as high as I can, bunching it into a fist and bring it down hard on the back of his head. With a grunt he releases me and slumps forward onto the sand.

“Kai. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say, over and over and over. I am so weak I can barely move. Now that I am released the pain in my arm is unbearable and blood is still spurting from the wounds. I tear a strip of cloth from my shirt which gives up completely and falls to the floor unnoticed and ignored. Clumsily, with one hand, I manage to tie the cloth tightly around my arm and use it to apply pressure until the bleeding stops. Then I tear up the rest of the shirt and somehow manage a makeshift bandage which seems to be keeping my fluids where they are supposed to be.

When I am done I let myself sink to the floor. The sand that felt so soft does not seem quite so much so now. It is a hard bed but I could not have risen from it for anything. Darkness is approaching fast and I am surprised that the day has been so short. And then I smile, an ironic smile… this is not the darkness from without but the darkness from within. A sigh escapes me and, as the shadows overwhelm me, the last thing I see is Kai’s face. I hope that I will see it again and that when I do his eyes will be open and he will be smiling at me. I feel my lips curve at the thought and then there were no more.

*-*-*

Someone is calling my name. It seems to be coming from a very long way away, and I have to strain to hear. My head is throbbing painfully and I seem to be lying on the floor. I wonder why. My eyes are gritty and sore when I blink them open to find that I am lying face down in something soft and powdery. It is sand.

I hear the calling again and realise that it is not sounding in my ears. Memory crawls back. It is very dark, I must have slept for hours. Kai! Where is he? Is he alright?

I sit up and am assailed by such dizziness and pain in my head that I have to fall back and I lie still for a moment, before I raise myself very carefully onto my hands and knees and begin to crawl.

Kai is lying exactly as I last remember. He had not moved at all. Dragging myself across the sand I sink my head onto his chest and relief floods me when I hear his heart, strong and steady. He is alive.

“Kai?”

He stirs and moans but doesn’t wake. At least he is alive.

“Kai?! Marc?!”

The call comes again and this time I recognise the flavour of it. “May! MAY!!!”

“Alright, alright hun, there’s no need to shout, you’re giving me a headache sweetie. Where the fuck are you?”

“Here. Where are you?”

“On the beach, where we left you last night. What’s happened? What’s going on?”

“Wait there. I’m coming out.”

“Out of where?”

It is hard to pull away the barrier I have so carefully erected in the entrance of the cave. My head is pounding and my stomach growling although I am, to be truthful, surprised by how strong I feel. There is hardly any pain in my arm and none at all in my chest. I have a feeling that once I feed I will be pretty much better.

It is so good to smell the fresh salt air and feel the breeze on my face. Peering along the beech I can see figures in the near distance. There are four of them and, although I am a little wary I wave at them and within moments they are at my side.

“Where’s Kai?”

“In the cave.” Without even waiting to hear what happened May is gone and I am left with the others, none of whom I have met before. I feel suddenly shy and uncomfortable and I turn away to stare out over the sea, my hands thrust into my pockets.

“Sam…” May calls from inside the cave and one of the three strangers, a slender boy with sandy hair and calm grey eyes breaks away from the others and ducks out of sight. That leaves two.

Surreptitiously I examine the others out of the corner of my eye. The larger one is pretty wild. He has a bright pink Mohican and is very colourful with more chains and piercings than I can count. He is large and raw boned, a mountain of a man, bigger even than Wolfy but his face is kind. When he catches me looking at him he turns his head and smiles at me. After a moment thought and grave contemplation he tosses over a leather jacket studded with silver studs and hung with chains. It is too big for me by a mile but it is soft and warm. I wrap it round me and close my eyes, suddenly tired.

The other vampire is a girl with soft brown eyes. She isn’t looking me in the eye, is she shy? Do vampires get shy? My eyes keep getting drawn back to her. She looks nice. I smile hesitantly and suddenly she flashes me a bright smile which, but for Kai, would have swept me right off my feet. As it is it feels like the sun has come out again.

“Hello. Um…. I suppose… I suppose I should … I dunno… introduce myself.”

“We know who you are.”

It was the man who spoke

“Oh.” I glance up at the girl again with my head lowered, through my hair, hiding. It is a habit I have. “I don’t know you.”

Again it was the man who spoke, his voice a deep rumble like the sound of the sea magnified. “I’m Pan and she is Beth… the one in the cave… he’s a healer.. he is Sam.”

“Oh… okay. Thanks.” There doesn’t seem to be much else to say. I am pre occupied anyway because all I can think of is what is going on inside the cave. I want to go in but May intimidates me and I know I won’t be welcome. The look she gave me before she went inside was venomous. She thinks this is all my fault. She thinks he got hurt because of me. That isn’t fair but I am worldly enough to know that fairness doesn’t come into it when dealing with affairs of the heart.

Time is dragging and I am cold and tired. My pain in my head is getting worse and worse. I am so light headed now I can barely keep on my feet. I know it is only because I need to feed but there really isn’t much I can do about that right now. Looking around I spot a flat rock, near the water’s edge and I sink down gladly. It is so peaceful here, the slap of the water against the rocks is soothing. I close my eyes and let my head fall forwards onto my chest. It doesn’t hurt so much that way.

The next thing I know I am opening my eyes and looking up into an anxious face which seems to swim in the darkness above me. Somehow I am lying on my back in the sand. Blinking I try to focus but can’t and when I try to sit up everything spins and I am glad to sink back and close my eyes.

“It’s alright Marc. Lie still for a while. Sam says you’re okay. You’re just dehydrated and depleted. You need to feed and then you will be okay.”

I am in no condition to argue, so I let my head fall back and close my eyes. I am so tired, it would be easy to let go and slide back into sleep, but Beth is speaking to me, so I force my eyes open again to look up at her, trying to focus on her face, her words.

“Is it true that you fed Kai with your own blood? That’s awesome. You must care for him a lot. I wouldn’t do that for anyone.”

“Kai?” How could I possible have forgotten about Kai? “Where is he?”

“Sam and Pan took him back to Sanctuary. He didn’t look too good.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me? What’s Sanctuary? How do I get there?” I struggle to sit up and she doesn’t try to stop me, just watches me curiously.

I manage to sit up, leaning against the rock but I have no chance of getting to my feet. It is so frustrating, I want to be with Kai… I NEED to be with Kai. He is still hurt, still sick… she SAID he didn’t look too good… what does that mean? Bitter, frustrated tears are streaming down my face and I am too weary, too weak, too defeated to do anything about it. I lean back my head and close my eyes, weeping.

“Why are you crying? Are you sick?”

“No, not really, just weak. I am crying because I am frustrated. I don’t want to be sitting here, I want to be with Kai.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to know if he’s alright.”

“Sam said he would be alright. He said you saved his life. If you hadn’t let him feed from you he would have died.”

“I know.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Why?” Is she really that stupid? “Because I love him.”

“Oh.” she thinks for a while. “I don’t love anyone that much.”

“Maybe one day you will.”

“I have had a lot of ‘one day’s’ but I haven’t found anyone yet that I could love.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Why? Why are you sorry? I’m not unhappy.”

“No, neither was I. But there is nothing to compare to the feeling you get when you do find that one special person. It is a whole new dimension of happiness.”

She nods gravely and then stares out over the sea for a while. “I like you.”

“I…. I er….” The comment startles me. She sounds so sincere. I have no idea what to say.

“I don’t mean that I’m in love with you or that I want to have sex with you. I know you like boys. I mean if you didn’t you wouldn’t be with Kai would you?”

“I….. um… are you always so direct?”

She is looking at me, genuinely puzzled. “I don’t know what you mean.”

I find myself smiling despite myself. Honesty of that nature can be uncomfortable but it is strangely comforting just now. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not. Why would I worry?”

“It’s just a phrase, a figure of speech.”

“Oh… yes. I have a little trouble with those sometimes. I haven’t been around in a while.”

“How long a while?”

“A… number of decades.”

“Surprisingly I have no difficulty believing that.”

“Surprisingly?”

“It’s alright Beth, you shouldn’t listen to anything I say at the moment. I am completely out of my mind.”

“Yes, Sam said you might be. He said I should keep you calm and reassure you. Are you calm Marc?”

“No, not really. I am too worried about Kai to be calm.”

“I suppose that you are not particularly reassured either.”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Oh well.” she doesn’t seem contrite, quite the opposite, she is amused. “Do you feel better now?”

Surprisingly I do. “Yes, thank you.”

“Do you think you could stand up if I help you?”

“I can try.” And I did but it is hopeless. My legs are too weak to hold me and as soon as I start to move the pain in my head kicks in and everything twists and spins.

Beth kneels in front of me and stares at me curiously. “What does it feel like?”

“What?”

“Being drained. It happened to someone I knew once. He died.”

“Thank you. That is very reassuring.”

“I’m not sure that it is, not really.”

“No, actually it isn’t, I was being sarcastic.”

“Oh. I have some trouble with that too.”

I wonder, briefly, if she is teasing me and I look up at her but her eyes are grave, serious and it makes me grin.

“I am so tired.”

“I think that it would be better if you didn’t go to sleep.”

“Why? Are you so captivated with my company?”

“No, but I think that it is more likely you will die if you do.”

Again that shocking truthfulness. “Oh. Thanks again.”

“Was that sarcasm too?”

I think about it, then shake my head. “No, not that time. That time I meant it.”

“Marc, you have your eyes closed. Don’t do that. May is coming, she is close. She tells me that I mustn’t let you do that.”

I hadn’t even realised… but it doesn’t matter, nothing matters. I have lost interest in what she says, in her voice, in everything. I am so sleepy, suddenly I feel warm and comfortable and nothing matters, nothing… matters.

The pain shocks me. Not because it is severe, it isn’t particularly but it is shocking nevertheless, a slap both physical and mental and it makes me gasp. I can’t quite manage to open my eyes but I am suddenly aware of something warm and wet dripping on my face, sliding over my lips. The smell, the taste, the sense of it.

Inhaling deeply I open my mouth and the blood drips onto my tongue. Instantly the sweet liquor works on my body and mind, energy flowing through both. When the soft flesh is pressed against my mouth I grab the arm and bite.