Return to Zenda! (stage play) - 2. Act I part 2

RUDOLF: (to audience) Taking the lady’s advice, I found lodging just over the Ruritanian border in the village of Zenda, where I got quite a few odd looks from the locals.

GIRL: (Cockney accent) This is our finest room, sir. I ‘ope you like it.

RUDOLF: Yes, quite. But tell me, aren’t you from this country?

GIRL: Yes, sir.

RUDOLF: Then why are you talking like that?

GIRL: Oh, sir, in British films, all servants speak with a Cockney accent, no matter what their nationality may be.

RUDOLF: Right. Now, what are you staring at?

GIRL: Begging your pardon, sir. That’s our King’s portrait on the wall, and you look so like him—

RUDOLF: (gazing as the portrait, imitating the pose) Have you ever seen your King in person?

GIRL: Oh, no, sir. The King is abroad so often that not one in ten here knows him by sight. And they do say, sir, that now he has shaved off his beard, so that no one knows him at all. (coquettishly) But if you were the King, you would probably have taken liberties with my person by now. (Giggles and casts RUDOLF a hopeful glance)

RUDOLF: (not even looking at her) I see. So this King is something of a libertine.

GIRL: (dropping one sleeve over her shoulder) I don’t know anything about his politics, sir, but I do know he has an eye for the ladies.

RUDOLF: These Continental cads! That will be all.

GIRL: (looks at RUDOLF sharply, then makes a gesture of disappointment) Yes, sir. (stays in the scene)

RUDOLF: (to the audience) And later, in the courtyard, I met the same reaction.

(OLD WOMAN, CROWD WOMAN [played by actress playing Flavia] and a SEAN-CONNERYESQUE MAN enter)

OLD WOMAN: (to GIRL) Is it the King?

GIRL: He doesn’t act like it.

OLD WOMAN: What is he doing here? Where are his men?

(COLONEL SAPT, fiftyish, and FRITZ VON TARLENHEIM, thirtyish, arrive)

SAPT: (staring at RUDOLF) Extraordinary! (SAPT speaks with a German accent)

FRITZ: Shave him and he’d be the King!

SAPT: I’ll shave him. From top to bottom.

OLD WOMAN: What are they saying?

MAN: Shomething about shaving the King.

GIRL: Shave the King!

ALL: God shave the King! God shave the King! (GIRL, MAN, and CROWD WOMAN begin to move offstage shouting this)

GIRL: (to MAN) You’ve got to do something about those dentures.

OLD WOMAN: (presenting a bottle of wine) Colonel Sapt, sir! Duke Michael has sent this fine old vintage with his compliments! He wishes you and the King good health in drinking it!

SAPT: Chateau Roofie – unusual. Very good, very good, woman, we shall convey your master’s good wishes. Our thanks. (OLD WOMAN leaves) Young man, I am Colonel Sapt, and this is Count Fritz von Tarlenheim.

RUDOLF: So pleased. My name is Rudolf Rassendyll. I am here on holiday from England.

FRITZ: So, Mr. Rassendyll, you share our King’s name, as well as his physical attributes.

SAPT: Even your hair is the Elphberg red.

FRITZ: Perhaps a little bolder. Almost as if it were artificially enhanced.

RUDOLF: No, no. This is my natural color.

SAPT: Sir, we serve the King, who is staying at his hunting lodge nearby. You must come and dine with us tonight. He would be so interested to meet one so strikingly like him in appearance.

RUDOLF: Perhaps he will be amused to know the family tradition which explains the similarity.

SAPT: And I am always fascinated to meet a charming young foreigner, someone in the prime of youth such as yourself. (feeling RUDOLF’s bicep) Tell me, do you engage in a regular program of calisthenics?

RUDOLF: Er—Colonel, that old woman, is she in the service of Duke Michael?

SAPT: Oh, yes. Black Michael’s castle is just a stone’s throw from here, as you English say. Zenda is his stronghold. But we have nothing to fear at the hunting lodge. There we can all relax, you and I and Fritz and the King, and become good friends.

FRITZ: Very good friends, I hope. Come, then. A hearty dinner and good wine, and we will talk late into the night, and it will be as if we have known each other for years.

RUDOLF: (to the audience) (as the next scene is being set; from behind a dressing screen?) And so it was. The hunting lodge was rustic but tastefully appointed. Arts and Crafts style furniture need not clash with good china and fine crystal, in my opinion. The King, once he recovered from the shock of seeing in me what he had heretofore seen only in a mirror, was charming, though he drank rather more than was good for him. He drank the entire bottle that the old woman had given us. But we all drank more than we decently should have, and felt the effects the next morning, when an unsettling surprise awaited us.

FRITZ: (getting out of bed, nearly naked) Oh, was I drunk last night!

SAPT: (getting out of the same bed, nearly naked) Oh, so was I!

RUDOLF: (getting out of the same bed, nearly naked) Oh, so was I!

SAPT: Where is the king?

FRITZ: Why, he’s still asleep on the floor.

SAPT: (examining the King [a dummy]) Not asleep. Drugged!

FRITZ: (pulling on clothes) How did this happen? I remember nothing, I drank so much.

RUDOLF: (also dressing hastily) I -- ah -- can’t remember either.

SAPT: Everything in disorder--

FRITZ: So -- you -- don’t remember anything that happened last night?

RUDOLF: No. I was far too drunk. Do -- YOU remember anything that happened last night?

SAPT: Bottles and empty clothes everywhere—I mean, clothes and empty bottles everywhere—

FRITZ: No. Nothing. Not a thing. I don’t think anything did happen. And if it did I don’t remember. Really I was much too drunk to know what I was doing.

SAPT: The King drank that entire bottle of wine, the gift from Black Michael. It must have been drugged.

RUDOLF: Heavens! And it must have been Black Michael’s men who came in and tied up the King with all these ropes and chains and leather straps.

SAPT: No, I did that. It’s a little game we play. But, gentlemen, the King cannot be crowned in this condition. You, Mr. Rassendyll, you must take the King’s place at the coronation today! We will lock up the King securely and come back for him tonight. We shall put him in the cellar. He’ll be comfortable there; I’ve had it sort of fixed up.

RUDOLF: Me – be crowned in the King’s place? I suppose I could, just for the day.

FRITZ: Mister Rassendyll – Rudolf – you’re a splendid fellow even to consider it, but it’s really far too much to ask. (to SAPT, quickly, aside) Sapt, you always do this. The minute I make a new friend you just move in and take over.

SAPT: It is our only chance. The coronation cannot be postponed. If the King is not crowned today, I’ll wager he never will be; Black Michael is ready to seize the throne on the slightest pretext.

FRITZ: Sapt, he has no idea how dangerous this is. (to SAPT, aside) I wanted to show him my model trains. You do this deliberately.

RUDOLF: Do you really think you could pass me off as the King?

SAPT: Let’s reserve judgment until I have shaved you. Fritz, bring hot water and my razor and strop.

FRITZ: (as he goes) Oh, here we go again.

RUDOLF: Such a desperate plan! Such a slim chance of success!

SAPT: Prepare yourself, Mister Rassendyll. Off with those trousers.

RUDOLF: I beg your pardon?

FRITZ: (returning with the shaving paraphernalia) Now Sapt, you don’t have to shave him all over as you do the King.

SAPT: I think I should, just to be safe. He could be captured by the enemy and stripped and examined. The thought makes my blood boil. And our entire plan would be laid bare.

FRITZ: But really, Colonel, we haven’t time.

SAPT: No time? Oh-- very well, then. Just the face, for the moment. But I must do a complete job as soon as time allows. Sit very still, Mister Rassendyll. This is quickest if I sit on your lap.

RUDOLF: Mmmf!

SAPT: Done!

FRITZ: (bringing a hand mirror) Indistinguishable!

RUDOLF: I feel naked.

SAPT: You look perfect! Now, to Strelsau!