Return to Zenda! (stage play) - 3. Act I part 3

RUDOLF: Quickly, on the train to the capital, Fritz and Colonel Sapt instructed me in court etiquette, the coronation procedures, Roman Catholic mumbo-jumbo, the identity of the dignitaries and how to greet them, and how to tie really secure knots without cutting off circulation. (to SAPT) So Michael is my brother.

(During travel, SAPT and FRITZ may help RUDOLF dress for the coronation, including a helmet)

SAPT: Half-brother. By your father’s second marriage, to a commoner.

RUDOLF: And that would make Michael--

SAPT: Half a commoner.

RUDOLF: Unlike Flavia, my fiancée and my fully royal cousin--

FRITZ: Half cousin.

RUDOLF: Very well then, half-cousin. Because although Duke Michael and I had the same father--

SAPT: Half-father.

FRITZ: He was away a lot.

RUDOLF: (becoming confused) Half-father? In any case, Michael is my half-brother because his mother was not my mother--

FRITZ: Half-mother.

RUDOLF: Half-MOTHER?

SAPT: Riding accident.

RUDOLF: I see.

(As they arrive in Strelsau, the crowd consists of: ANTOINETTE DE MAUBAN and OLD WOMAN, perhaps FLAVIA offstage or disguised, supporting Duke Michael, and reacting to Rudolf sullenly; and SERVANT GIRL and SEAN CONNERYESQUE MAN, cheering Rudolf.)

(Fanfare or anthem)

GIRL and MAN, and SAPT and FRITZ: Hail King Rudolf! Hail King Rudolf!

ANTOINETTE and OLD WOMAN (and actress who plays FLAVIA): Michael for King! Vote for Duke Michael!

GIRL and MAN and SAPT and FRITZ: Rudolf! Rudolf!

ANTOINETTE and OLD WOMAN ((and actress who plays FLAVIA)😞 Rudolf Shmudolf!

RUDOLF: Curbside service, right to the cathedral! All this for me? Whatever else one may say about the Church of Rome, their sense of ceremony is simply fabulous!

GIRL and MAN: Show us your hair!

(RUDOLF removes his helmet)

GIRL and MAN: Elphberg red! Red is right!

RUDOLF: They like my hair. Do I look all right?

FRITZ: Oh, yes, Rudolf! You do!

ANTOINETTE and OLD WOMAN (and WOMAN 2): Better dead than red! Vote for Michael!

GIRL: (giving RUDOLF a red rose) The red rose of the Elphbergs, Majesty!

RUDOLF: (smelling the rose) Thank you!

OLD WOMAN: (giving RUDOLF a red rose on which ANTOINETTE has sprinkled pepper) Your Majesty!

RUDOLF: (smelling the rose) Oh, thank you! (sneezes) Sorry. Allergies.

(GIRL and MAN give RUDOLF more roses; ANTOINETTE and OLD WOMAN give RUDOLF more pepper-sprinkled roses. RUDOLF continues to smell them and to sneeze intermittently) (exit MAN; re-enters as CARDINAL)

SAPT: Your Majesty, we do have a moment for you to greet your cousin Flavia.

RUDOLF: Cousin. I am so pleased to meet you. Here. On the steps of the cathedral. To run into you, here, I mean. I am so glad that you could attend.

FLAVIA: It is a State occasion, Your Majesty. It has been on my calendar for some time.

RUDOLF: I feel strengthened knowing that you will be behind me during the ceremony.

FLAVIA: Oh, no, Rudolf. I will be right beside you, for I am of the blood royal.

RUDOLF. Oh, yes. Of course. Delightful.

(Organ music; coronation ceremony and procession have begun)

FLAVIA: You seem different today, Rudolf.

RUDOLF: No I don’t.

FLAVIA: Not in a bad way. You seem simply to be more – stylish, or something.

RUDOLF: Slimmer? Have I lost weight?

FLAVIA: Perhaps. Or your hair – was it always so – red?

RUDOLF: Oh yes. Same as ever. Perhaps it’s just that I’m wittier?

FLAVIA: I don’t –

RUDOLF: Better-looking? More artistic? Glowing with health, yet projecting a certain devil-may-care insouciance?

FLAVIA: Rudolf, they’re ready.

RUDOLF: Oh. Sorry. (kneels before the CARDINAL)

CARDINAL: (holding a crown above RUDOLF’s head) In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, and a whole buncha stuff that the C. of E. would tell you is a lotta mumbo jumbo, I crown you King Rudolf the Fifth of Ruritania...

(RUDOLF sneezes)

CARDINAL: And may God bless you.

(RUDOLF sneezes again)

ALL: God bless you!

RUDOLF: (sneezing, tears streaming down, holding his large bouquet of roses, touching his crown, adjusting his sash) This is the proudest day of my life, and I intend to use my position to work for world peace!

(ALL sing Anthem as RUDOLF continues to sneeze)

Gesundheit unserm Koenig,

Good health to our King!

Gesundheit unserm Koenig,

God bless you, we all sing!

RUDOLF: Thank you! Thank you! (to SAPT and FRITZ) Flavia – oh, Flavia, how beautiful she is!

FRITZ: Do you think so? Yes, I suppose she is. Now, about our plans for tonight –

RUDOLF: Yes, Fritzi?

FRITZ: You’ve done very well indeed, and we’re very proud of you, and the sooner we bring back the King and end this charade the safer you shall be, the safer we shall all –

FLAVIA: Rudolf, our carriage is waiting.

RUDOLF: Carriage?

FLAVIA: For the triumphal procession.

RUDOLF: I thought I’d ride with Fritz here –

FLAVIA: Don’t be absurd, Rudolf. He is not of the blood royal.

RUDOLF: Oh. Right. I forgot.

FRITZ: Majesty, be – be careful. I mean, with so many of Black Michael’s men about –

SAPT: After the triumphal procession and the coronation banquet, Count von Tarlenheim and I shall attend Your Majesty at the palace for the matter which requires your attention.

RUDOLF: Yes. Quite. Until this evening, then. Nine o’clock sharp. (walking away with FLAVIA) Do you really think I look more stylish?

FLAVIA: Do be serious, Rudolf.

RUDOLF: I am.

GROUP 2: When’s the wedding? Come on, kiss her!

FLAVIA: Insolent peasants.

(exeunt ALL except SAPT and FRITZ, who remain on stage; clock strikes nine, or they manually advance a large clock several hours.)

FRITZ: I don’t like him being on his own all this time.

SAPT: Pah! There are guards beside him every minute.

FRITZ: But spending the entire day with Flavia. Flavia hates him. Or rather she hates the King. We didn’t prepare him adequately. He’ll make mistakes, he’ll wonder why she is so hostile to him, he’ll come back shattered, our schemes will be exposed...

RUDOLF: (entering) Oh, what a day I’ve had! Am I late? Oh, Flavia, Flavia! How beautiful she is! We got on famously. We had the most wonderful time. I can hardly wait to marry her.

FRITZ: You’re not marrying her. The King is marrying her.

RUDOLF: Yes, that’s what I meant. I can hardly wait for the King to marry her. She’s a bully chap.

FRITZ: You don’t think she suspected?

RUDOLF: No, not at all. She thought I seemed different, but she thought every difference an improvement. She’s right, of course.

SAPT: Never mind the woman. Mister Rassendyll, we must now go back to retrieve the real King.

FRITZ: Yes, the drug will have worn off by now.

SAPT: (to RUDOLF) You and I shall ride tonight.

RUDOLF: Oh, but I was having such a good time here.

SAPT: Tonight, Mister Rassendyll. We return to Zenda. Now.

FRITZ: Bring my King safely home.

RUDOLF: Yes, Fritz, of course.

SAPT: Here! By this secret door we may leave the palace unobserved!

RUDOLF: I won’t disappoint you, Fritz.

FRITZ: Wear your hat down low. Let no one see your face.

RUDOLF: Don’t worry about a thing. Leave it all to me. (turning) Where did he go?

FRITZ: That door there.

RUDOLF: Ah. Thanks. (calling to SAPT) Wait for me!

(Another playing area – SAPT holds a candle and pounds on the cellar door of the lodge of Zenda)

SAPT: Hurry, Mr. Rassendyll!

RUDOLF: Slow down, Sapt, please! I’m tired, and I’m hungry, and I’m not used to riding horses so much, and so far, and my head is throbbing, and where IS the bathroom in this wretched place?

SAPT: (pointing at the floor) Look!

RUDOLF: Blood!

SAPT: We must break the door down! Ach, my King! My little Rudolf!

(They break the door in) (RUDOLF ends up on his knees)

SAPT: (tearful, trembling) Empty! The King is gone! They have taken him!

RUDOLF: Careful with that candle. You’re dripping on me.

SAPT: (deliberately dripping wax on RUDOLF) Vimp! Little vussy-boy!

RUDOLF: Stop that! You burned my finger!

SAPT: Get up! We have no time for games! This is the work of Duke Michael! There is only one place the King can be – they have taken him to Michael’s castle here in Zenda! Mister Rassendyll, you must continue to play the King, until we can think of a way to rescue him!

RUDOLF: What if they’ve killed him? The blood –

SAPT: (examining the floor carefully) This is not the blood royal. This looks like a servant’s blood to me.

RUDOLF: Oh, yes. Probably from that dead servant over there. Poor chap. But, Sapt, I agreed to play this part only for one day.

SAPT: You don’t wish to disappoint Fritz, do you?

RUDOLF: No. No, of course not. Of course I’ll do it.

SAPT: Quickly, then, back to Strelsau, and we shall all form a plan!

RUDOLF: Yes!

(as they move back to main playing area, where FRITZ waits)

SAPT: To storm the castle!

RUDOLF: Yes!

SAPT: To rescue the King!

RUDOLF: Yes!

SAPT: Until then, you shall be King Rudolf!

RUDOLF: Yes!

SAPT: Discharging your duties faithfully!

RUDOLF: Yes!

SAPT: Heedless of the constant danger of assassination!

RUDOLF: Er – yes.

SAPT: Fritz, we are back!

FRITZ: That was quick! Sire! You’re safe! (throws himself at RUDOLF’s feet)

RUDOLF: Well, I did hurt my finger.

FRITZ: (looks up at RUDOLF’s face) You’re not the King – Where’s the King?

SAPT: Duke Michael has him.

FRITZ: No! (faints)

SAPT: He’s probably shaving him right now.

RUDOLF: (cradling FRITZ in his arms) Fritzi! Fritzi! Get some smelling salts, Sapt!

SAPT: Only silly vimmen use shmelling salts.

RUDOLF: Brandy, then! Perhaps I should use mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Fritzi! (to the audience) I confess I was moved. Whatever this king’s faults, he made people love him.

(A knock)

SAPT: Yes, come in. Who is it?

MESSENGER GIRL: (entering) Your Majesty, a message from the Princess Flavia.

RUDOLF: Oh! (drops FRITZ and takes the note, tears it open, reads) “Rudolf, I was so proud of you today. You will make a better King than I ever hoped. May I see you tomorrow? Flavia. This communication takes precedence over all others because its author is of the blood royal.” I have a date! I have a date! Mother will be so relieved.

(FRITZ gradually recovers and gets to his feet)

MESSENGER GIRL: (coughs)

RUDOLF: What? Oh, yes. (gives her a coin)

MESSENGER GIRL: Is there any reply, Your Majesty?

RUDOLF: Oh. Yes. Tell the Princess she is granted an audience at noon. What time is it now?

MESSENGER GIRL: Four-thirty in the morning, Your Majesty.

RUDOLF: What are you doing here at this time of night?

MESSENGER GIRL: I came by bus, Your Majesty.

RUDOLF: I see.

MESSENGER GIRL: It broke down and I had to walk.

RUDOLF: Yes, yes. You may go.

MESSENGER GIRL: I had to walk quite a distance.

RUDOLF: Mm.

MESSENGER GIRL: Uphill.

RUDOLF: All right! (gives her another coin) You may go!

MESSENGER GIRL: Thank you, Your Majesty. (leaves)

RUDOLF: (putting his arm around FRITZ) Feeling better? Let’s get to bed. I’m all in.

SAPT: Count von Tarlenheim shall stay in one of the guest suites in the other wing, Mister Rassendyll. You go that way, he goes this way.

RUDOLF: Oh. Yes. Of course. I was thinking of last night, in the lodge, you know, all of us in one big – Well, goodnight, both of you. (exit)

FRITZ: (to SAPT) Then Mister Rassendyll is to continue to pretend to be the King? How long can he keep it up?

SAPT: I wouldn’t worry about that. He seems very capable. (FRITZ and SAPT exeunt)