Modern High - 27. Chapter 23

Modern High

Chapter 23

Truth Hurts

Jacob

Three weeks have passed since Zach attempted suicide. When I came home that day and found the note Zach left me, I couldn’t open it; to this day I still can't. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that what Zach probably wrote to me... it scares me.

So here, I am, November 26, Saturday, sitting on my bed with my legs crossed, dreaming about happier times. Nicer days, where the world made sense. But who was I kidding? The world isn’t a nice place, and the one person that I still love is in the hospital, in a coma... all because of me. Do you see now why I don’t want to read that letter? It just might drive me to kill myself. So no. I cannot. I won’t.

Ding, Dong.

“Who fuck could that be?” I asked myself as I climbed out of my queen size bed.

Opening the door, I say, “What?” That was before I knew who was there. The look on their faces showed shock, and maybe a little anger.

“Why hello to you too,” Nathan replied.

“Don’t give me that, what are you doing here?”

“Well for starters, I wanted to come over to kick your ass. The second thing I want to do is kill you, and possibly the third is to tell you that you’re a sorry excuse for a person.” Nathan spoke mean, but I knew his game. Everyone did, actually. Sweet, but deadly. Heh! If he wants to play then let's.

“Ok then, go for it.” Nathan looked shocked again, he thought that I would probably ask him that he didn’t, but well, I’m tired of being pushed around and told what to do. Fuck that.

“Are you serious?” He laughed at me, as Nichole smacked him in the chest and gave him a stern look.

“Don’t mind him; he clearly hasn’t taken his pills this morning.” She smiles.

“Oh, fuck you too.” Nathan replies back to her, looking almost hurt.

“What are you guys doing here, for real?” I ask.

“Well, we wanted to see how you were doing, because well, we both know how much you still love Zach. And to see if you finally wanted to come over to the hospital with us.”

“NO.” I spoke in a whisper, also shaking my head. I couldn’t, it hurt still to think about him, it still kills to know that I am the one who caused this to happen.

“No? Why? You know that you have to get over this sooner or later. The doctors still don’t know when he is actually going to wake up.”

“I can’t.” A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek.

“Why? Have you read your letter yet?”

Instead of answering her, I just shook my head. I couldn’t trust my voice.

“And why not? God, Jacob, are you ever going to read it and find that he still loves you?”

“I told you, I can’t, alright, so just...” I sighed, I didn’t want to argue.

“I told you this was a waste of time, Nichole,” Nathan said with amusement in his voice, almost as if he were mocking me.

“Will you just shut up, Nathan... Matter of fact, go stand over there.” Nichole said as she pointed over to the far side of the porch.

“Fine!” Nathan said as he stomped his way over in the direction Nichole pointed.

“Now then, I’m sorry for that, Jacob. Anyway, that doesn’t make sense. Don’t you still love him?” I was going to answer her but she beat me to it. “And don’t even say, you don’t know, because you do and I know you still do. So now, give me a really great excuse, one that I can actually believe.”

“Nichole, look, I just don’t want to ok, how can I possibly tell you that seeing him will make me feel even more regretful, responsible, and of course, hurt. I just can't, ok.”

“Fine, but read the letter. Sooner or later, I’ll be seeing you.” She left it at that. Didn’t even say goodbye or a 'see ya', she just left.

“Who was that sweetie?” my mother asks from behind, scaring me enough to make me jump.

Holding my chest I reply, “Don’t do that, ma.”

She laughs, “Sorry.”

“It was just Nathan and Nichole, they wanted to know if I read Zach’s note or not. And to also see if I wanted to go with them to the hospital, I told them no.”

“Ah, ok. So, why not?”

“Because, nosey. It just hurts too much.”

“Look, Jake, sometimes in life things will get hard, and you won’t know what to do, but I’m telling you, if you don’t give yourself the pleasure of knowing something, then how can you possibly know that it will hurt you? Before you decide to answer, think about it.”

“Yea, Mom, I will.”

“Good, now go do your homework or something like... I don’t know... read that letter.”

“I just said...”

“Don’t even, mister... March!” She pointed to the stairs, knowing full well what was up there, sitting on my nightstand, unopened.

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re not welcome.”

As I climbed the stairs to my room, I thought about what my mother told me. Was she right? If I did not give myself the pleasure of knowing, then how can I be hurt by it? She just might be right.

I sat on my bed with the letter in my hand, considering if I should read it or not... nervous as all hell about what might be in it. I overcame my anxiety and began reading the letter. When I came to the end of it, my cheeks were wet with tears. I have never known Zach to write such things. What Zach put in the letter made me realize how much of an ass I was towards him. Also, how much I lost when I decided that I wanted to trust Toby, instead of my boyfriend. Toby’s image was still in my mind when I read the letter, it asked me if I had any regrets or if I felt guilty and if so, why. Did I actually know if I felt guilty or not? Did I have any regrets about what had happened to Zach, Toby, Nathan, Nichole, or me? I didn’t have an answer for why everything turned out like it did.

Nathan and Nichole, they were somewhat there for me. They were, well, trying to make me see that I was wrong, and that I needed to trust Zach. However, what they did and didn’t do reflected on my poor judgment of the people around me. I can’t really blame them though; it was totally my fault that everything got turned upside down. When they came over, I should have left with them, but again my poor judgment left me in a dismal mood.

I can’t recall how I got here... the hospital. One minute I was thinking about it and the next, I was just standing here, looking in. Since I’m here, I might as well. Taking a small step, I entered the hospital, the smells of ammonia, anti-disinfectants, and death was wrapped in the air. However, I kept moving; I needed to see Zach.

******

It was strange, the darkness that was around me started to lighten to the brightest of lights I have ever seen. It started out in the far corner, but then it crept along the walls of this place. Before I knew what was going on, a man stood in front of me, he had on a pair on wings, but not like the ones you see in movies. These were gold. A saint! I gasped as I realized. This person also had short black hair, and his skin was fairly tanned.

“Young man?” When he spoke, his voice sounded smooth, mellow, and powerful.

“Y-yes, sir?” I stammered out.

“Please stand up.” I obeyed “Do you know why you are here?”

“I think so.”

“You think so? Please, explain to me then.”

“Well, I committed suicide, I jumped off a bridge. It was the only way to get the pain to stop.”

“And did the pain stop?”

“No,” I sobbed.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Zach, now please take my hand. I have a lot of to show you.”

“How... How did you know my name?”

“Heh! Zach, I am a saint. I'm also your guardian angel, for now. You may call me Michael.”

“Sweet, a guardian angel, how awesome.”

“You might think that now, but what I am about to show you will not be so pleasant.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You’ll see,” was all he said, it rather scared me because I didn’t know what was about to happen. “What did he mean, ‘I’ll see?’ It didn’t make any sense, what could possibly come from this?” I thought as he took my hand and lead me to the far corner of the room. He then did something, to where we transported to a place that was full of activity. People coming and going, some were yelling, and of course there was fighting and gambling. How nice, right?

“What are we doing here?”

“Do you know where we are?”

“Yea, New York City. Duh!”

“Ok, at least you got that much, but I meant do you actually know where we are?”

“Yes. New York City, for the last time.”

“Alright. Why do you think I brought you here?”

“To show me something...”

“Yes, go on.”

“I don’t know what you expect from me, but I haven’t got the slightest clue why we are here.”

“Will you at least try to think about it? Here he comes.”

“Here who comes?”

“This is the reason why we are here?”

“Ooohhhkay...” Was all I could say, I was still confused.

When I looked upon this teenage boy, my breath got caught in my throat, how can this beautiful boy be the reason why we are here? I looked to Michael, but he too was looking upon him the same way, but I might also say that, unlike me, Michael had misty eyes. It was sad to see. The teenage boy passed us; I don’t think he even saw us. However, what I did see was utterly saddening. His features, it looked as if someone just stolen his life from him, his skin was a pasty white, his eyes didn’t have any color to them, they looked blank. This boy had short light hair, almost white; at least it matched his skin.

“Why are we here, Michael?” I asked softly.

“Him, Zach. He’s the reason.” So it was true, but 'why' is still the question.

“Ok, but what about him? What is he going to do?” However, before Michael could reply, the teenage boy leaped onto the street, right in front of an oncoming bus. I wanted to scream out, to save him, to at least try to let him live for another day.

Sadly, I was too late; the bus came and slammed right into the boy’s body. Blood went a flying and, of course, I screamed out; it was too much. How can a saint show me something like this, just how?

“Why?” The shock of it all was still too much to handle.

“Because, Zach... it was, well, his time. Jeremiah’s life was anything but perfect or normal. He had a family, but that family used him, they beat him, they did a lot of unmentionable things, ones I wish I could have helped with. Sadly, what he just did was the only way out of the misery he was going through.”

“I don’t even wish that on my worst enemies.”

“I do understand, perfectly.” Michael swiped a stray tear from his eye, and then he looked upon me with sad eyes.

“Take my hand.” I did what I was asked.

******

When I got into the room, it was all dark, scary. The one person who I came to see was in a bed with tubes running all over his body. Tears came freely as I slowly walked to his side, his face looked pale white, much like the rest of his body.

“Jacob?” Mary spoke from a darkened corner. When I looked upon her, her face reflected what I felt and the emotions that were running through me. I couldn’t do anything but stand there, the moment passed, though, as someone, a man, walked into the room.

“Here you are, Mary.” He gave a cup of coffee to her.

“And who might you be?” He looked scary, mean in some respects.

“My... My name is Jac... Jacob, sir.”

“Ah, the infamous Jacob, the one who put my son in the hospital. How nice to meet you. I’m Zach’s father, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you sir. Well, under different circumstances it would have been better.” He just snorted a reply and sat next to his wife, Mary.

“So, why are you here?” he asked me. I was stuck for words; I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what I could say.

“To see Zach, sir.”

“Can you please stop calling me that? My name is Kenneth.”

“To see Zach, Kenneth.”

“Ah, well I am sure you that he is in capable hands, thanks for dropping by... You can go now.”

It felt as if he just slapped me, and then stabbed me with a knife. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. So instead of arguing with this man, I walked out of the room, hanging my head in defeat and feeling destroyed from the inside out.

“What, Mary? He did this to our son. How do you expect me to act?”

“You should have been nicer; it isn’t Jacob’s fault that our son decided to attempt suicide.”

After that I didn’t hear anything, the door shut behind me, leaving me once again in silence. Until I spotted Nathan and Nichole with Ashley and Candice, sitting out here in the hall with red puffy eyes, as well as tears.

“I see you got kicked out like the rest of us did,” the always-smug Nathan said cockily. I so wanted to bitch slap him, but instead I slowly made my way over to a chair and plopped down heavily with a sigh. The tears that I felt earlier came back, in big sobs. Until now I didn’t know what I had lost, I didn’t know who I was until I found Zach. Now I lost him, so I guess I lost myself.

******

As Michael led the way through yet another time travel, or transportation thingy mambo, I thought of what I just witnessed. A boy around my age, he was sweet. His face showed that, but under that sweet face laid a broken boy. I could really sympathize with him, because I went through it with Jacob for three months.

“Where are we this time?” I asked Michael, as soon as the spinning nausea wore off.

He looked at me weirdly, and then stated, “Arizona, the state I was from. Some time ago.”

“Ok, do I even want to know?”

“You will find out shortly.” Michael walked ahead of me, leaving me behind to admire his sweet candy ass...

“I heard that.” He voice had a laugh too it. Do angels laugh?

“How...” Even before I could finish, I said, “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“Thought so... Anyway, have you thought of why I am showing you these kinds of accidents?”

“Actually, I have... a lot.”

“And?”

“And I think I was wrong for what I did. I know people must be hurting because I decided to off myself. It hurts to know that, and before you even say it, I also know that I shouldn’t have, especially now since I've been thinking and watching all these...” I waved my hands in front of my face to emphasize what I meant.

“So are you ready to face your next challenge?”

“And what might that be?” I asked him, he didn’t answer right away.

“Your past. Why you did what you did and what you could have done differently.”

“Oh, that. I’m good.” He what! Hell no, I don’t want to face that... Not yet. “Show me another suicide victim.”

“No, it’s time you stopped running and faced up to what you've done, Zachary.” Michael’s stern voice told me that I wasn’t getting out this one.

“Fine.” I pouted.

“Good.”

I took his hand without him even prompting me to do so, I wasn’t happy about where we were going, but I didn’t complain either.

As we once again time traveled, the swirling of colors were making me want to gag or throw up. I would never get used to this, never. The swirling colors were just too much to handle. However, the swirling stopped once we arrived at our destination.

“Do I have to go through this again?” I asked Michael, without actually looking at him.

“Yes, you do. You have to understand that you could have dealt with it a little bit differently.”

“I know, but why?”

“Just listen and learn,” he said, a little frustrated.

“Fine,” I pouted once more.

Michael and I stood at the top of a hill, overlooking my cul-de-sac. We started to walk. Again my anxiety showed its ugly face, making me dread the conversation that I knew was on the other side of this hill. My hands started to shake as we slowly made our way over the crest of the hill. I really didn’t want to hear this conversation again; the first time was more than enough.

“Ready?” Michael asked from beside me.

Rolling my eyes, I reply, “I do look ready?”

He replies, “Whatever.” And walks away, leaving me there to once again admire his ass as he walked away.

If you're wondering, he looked back at me with smirk.

That felt good, but only for a moment. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do, and how to do it. I know that I made this mess and now I have to clean it up. I also know that I can’t blame Jacob for everything; he did have a role in it but not all of it.

I wonder what Jacob is doing now? Does he hurt? Is he in pain?

“Zach, you coming?” Michael asked me. I really didn’t have an answer for him.

“Sure,” was all I said.

Once again, walking beside Michael as we descended from the hill, I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Am I truly ready to face this conversation again? The first time was hard enough; I recall it as if it were yesterday. That conversation Jacob and I had, it was a defining moment of our relationship. As everyone, I think knows, it didn’t end up like we wanted it too. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could actually have some influence in the conversation, but I cannot.

Facing the road as Zach and Jacob talk, more like yell at each other, I never knew I actually was the one who did most of the yelling. Also, I was again the one to fight, not actually listening to Jacob. I should have asked that question. I should have, because I needed to know, instead of finding out later.

“Michael,” I asked.

“Yes, Zach?”

“I know what I must do now. Can we please go back?”

“About damn time!” he said, and I looked at him with shocked, disbelieving eyes.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that; you knew why we came. And thank God you actually figured it out before we had to sit through this argument again. So let’s go.” Michael actually sounded happy about it. I was too, thankfully.

Grabbing his hand, he transported me back to my body... The swirling colors didn’t have an effect on me this time. I was just happy, well, ready to get back to reality.

******

As I sat waiting for my turn to go and see Zach, there was a commotion happening inside the room. People were yelling, I wanted to be in there, but the nurse told us three at time. It hurt to not be in there, I wanted to see him, to say 'I’m sorry' to him, and much more. However, I had to wait...

“Jacob!” Nichole whispered loudly to me, from inside the room.

Seeing her, I felt a little pang of jealousy towards her, but that faded as she spoke. “Zach woke up. The first words he said were, 'Where is Jacob?' So come on,” she exclaimed happily.

When I got in there, everyone was talking all at once, kind of nerve wracking if you ask me. “Jacob?” Zach whispered from inside the cluster of people surrounding him. Relief flooded my body as I walked unsurely towards him, but before I could go any further than the edge of his bed. Kenneth spoke, “No, Jacob is not allowed around you, you are not to see him. Got it?” Once he said that, it broke my heart. Shattered it really.

“But Dad...”

“No buts, he is the one who did this to you, so no, absolutely not, period!” he said, without any hint of emotion. It really did hurt to know that I am the one who did this to him.

“NO! Dad, you listen. Jacob isn’t the reason I wanted to commit suicide, it was I who did it. No one else forced me, no one told me that I 'had to', so shut up,” Zach calmly told his dad.

“But son...”

“No, if you don’t like it, then leave, just as you did when you wanted a divorce from Mom. I love you greatly, but Jacob... He’s... He’s my boyfriend.”

Ken didn’t like what Zach told him, but nonetheless, he went quiet and sat back down next to Mary, who had a shocked expression on her face. I don’t think she realizes how much of an influence Zach has on all of us. It was kind of great, actually, even though I still felt like shit.

“No, Zach your dad is right. I should leave,” I said, as I bowed my head and started to walk out of the room. As I touched the doorknob, Zach spoke quietly, “But, Jacob...” I so wanted to go back and touch him, or to least kiss his cheek, but I didn’t.

“God dammit, Jacob, you can’t keep running away when things happen. You can’t keep letting things go. I want you to stay.” When he stopped talking, I looked back at him. Zach was looking at everyone around him. “Can Jacob and I have some time alone? He will come back out there and tell you when you guys can come back in. Please?”

“Alright, Zach, if that's what you want,” Mary said from beside her son. She kissed him on the cheek and grabbed her husband’s hand. They were the first to leave. Then it was Ashley, Candice, Nathan, and then Nichole.

Nichole whispered something to me before she too left the room, “Talk to him, and listen. Don’t give up.” I think that is the sweetest thing she has ever told me.

When everyone left, the room went quiet. I didn’t know what to say to him.

“Jacob?” Zach said.

“Zach.” I replied.

“Come over here, it's time we had a chat.” The way he said ‘it's time we had a chat’ it reminded me of all the times that I wanted to say the exact same thing...

To Be Continued.

Author’s Note.

A lot took place in this chapter. I hope you liked it enough. There could have been more detail, but I would have been taking away from the point of view that I was trying to establish. Therefore, by doing this chapter, you get a glimpse of what both Zach and Jacob went through. In addition, you can see how they felt about each other. Alternatively, you could experience the feelings and the emotions they felt as they longed for one another.

Please, review and comment. Plus vote. Till next time.

Remijay <3 ((Hugz)) Take Care and Be Safe!