No Fairytale World - 11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

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“What’s this?” Pete asked in confusion. He stared at the colorful carnations before him. They brightened the entire kitchen.

“Flowers,” Andy said his cheeks tinged pink.

“I know,” Pete said sarcastically. “But for me? Why?”

“You’re leaving.”

Pete rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “I’m coming back you know. I’m only visiting my brother for a week.”

“The other night,” Andy paused blushing, the red flush spreading across his cheeks to his forehead and neck, “The other night you said you wanted flowers and dinner. It’s just takeout, but…” Andy waved awkwardly at the containers of Italian food.

Pete grinned and let out a quiet chuckle. “You remembered that?”

“I have good memory,” Andy mumbled.

“Thanks Andy. It means a lot.” Pete touched Andy’s hand.

Andy looked up at him. “I’ll miss you.”

“I said I’d be back,” Pete said in amusement. “I can’t stay too long because the new semester starts as soon when I get back.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Andy blurted out. “You know, moral support?”

Pete laughed and shook his head in wonder. “This is something I’ll have to handle on my own, unfortunately. But Andy, you’re something else.”

“What?” Andy’s brow wrinkled.

“Nothing,” Pete shook his head. “You’re just not what I expected. Not you personally, but in general. Someone who genuinely cares…” Pete blew out a breath. “I’m not explaining myself well. But it was a blessing I ended up living with you. Anyone else and who knows.” He shuddered at the possibilities.

“At first I hated living with an asshole like you,” Andy admitted and grinned when Pete shot him a mock frown. “But I also think it was a blessing that I ended up with you, too. Sometimes things do work themselves out on their own.”

Pete sighed. “They sure do. Sooner or later. Although I wish it was sooner rather than later.”

Andy laughed. “Don’t we all.”

******

Pete stood outside arrivals, tightly gripping his bag.

He anxiously searched for a familiar face, for a familiar car, but he recognized nothing. Or maybe he was having some mental block. He was certainly having breathing issues and was sweating so bad a couple were staring at him with concern.

“Hot day,” he said fanning himself off. They nodded and looked away.

His eyes were still scanning each and every car when he heard his name called. He instantly tensed in anticipation.

He looked around trying to spot from which vehicle the voice was coming. Frowning in confusion for a few seconds, he finally spotted a hand waving to him frantically from a car window. “Pete! Over here!”

Pete’s eyes widened when an old Honda Civic, in need of major repairs, double parked in front of him. A tall muscular guy started walking over. Pete sucked in a breath. Jacob had grown up. “Jacob?” he asked in disbelief. No longer was Jacob the short, skinny teenager he had remembered.

In fact, Jacob was taller than Pete’s 5’10 by at least a good four inches, as far as Pete could tell from a quick glance. Jacob’s dark brown hair was buzzed and his ears, although small, stuck out. He was muscular, not lean and wiry like Pete, but had bulk and mass. He looked like an athlete. Pete was struck with a wave of sadness; how much did he not know about Jacob? He didn’t even know what his brother’s favorite sport was. And it was evident Jacob played sports.

“Pete!” Thick arms wrapped around Pete and if it weren’t for Jacob’s arms, Pete would have toppled over from the force of the hug. Pete didn’t even have time to return the hug before Jacob grabbed his arm and began dragging him to the car. “Come on, hurry. They get impatient if you double-park too long.” Pete was chucked into the car; seconds later they were off.

Pete was nervous. He clutched his bag in front of him, his knuckles starting to go numb as he desperately searched for something to say. Practically five years without seeing one another, they were reduced to strangers.

“Um, how was your birthday?” Pete cleared his throat. Jacob had turned eighteen two weeks ago.

“Just another day,” Jacob shrugged. “I don’t feel different. I don’t feel more grown up. I’ve felt old since I was a little kid. Had to grow up fast.”

Pete looked away guilty.

“My friends threw me a party. A lot of my close friends got me some good gifts, but I ended up stashing it at their houses since Mom would try to sell it.”

Pete wondered what kind of friends Jacob had. From the looks of Jacob, he seemed to fit into the athletic, popular crowd. Pete was filled with a sudden urge to know everything about Jacob and his life.

“Any plans for your birthday?” Jacob asked after a prolonged pause. Pete’s birthday was in a month.

“Nope,” Pete said letting out a dry laugh. He had never liked celebrating anything because that would require feeling some sort of joy. He didn’t even have any friends to celebrate with. No one even knew his birthday. Not even Andy. Pete didn’t exactly like being in the spotlight.

Conversation stalled after that. Both brothers had so many questions; neither knew where to begin.

Jacob coughed awkwardly. “I need to buy some groceries. Mind if we stop at the market?”

“Sure. I’m kind of hungry anyway.”

“Cool. Let’s buy stuff and I’ll cook you something.”

“Cook?” Pete asked blinking in surprise. “Since when do you cook?”

“Don’t laugh.”

“What?” Pete asked smiling curiously.

“I took a bunch of Food and Nutrition classes because they were easy A’s, but I also liked the idea of eating during class.” Jacob shrugged. “I found that I enjoyed cooking or making stuff. Nothing too extreme, but it was fun and I got to eat it. And with Mom going off all the time...” He didn’t need to finish his statement.

“That’s great,” Pete murmured as they walked inside a small grocery store, the cool air hitting them.

“Feel like eating anything in particular?”

“Surprise me,” Pete smiled. He trailed behind Jacob, stopping every so often whenever Jacob inspected something or bagged something. It was fun watching Jacob, observing him, seeing how much he had grown up. “Jacob?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you happy?” Pete began awkwardly. “I mean, how was school and life with…”

“Mom?”

Pete nodded.

“School is actually really good. As lame as it sounds, I’m happiest at school because I’m out of the house; I’m with friends who really care about me. For those few hours I didn’t think about Mom passed out, drunk out of her mind or worrying if she died during her nights out with her men. I don’t play any sports because there is no way to afford everything and get to all those games. Instead, I work a lot at the local library, stay out of the house, exercise a lot or go to the park with the guys.”

“Mom never…”

“Never what?” Jacob asked his tone suddenly sharp.

“Nothing,” Pete said quickly averting his eyes.

“Pete, you can trust me,” Jacob said quietly.

Pete didn’t answer.

“I saved all your letters. I wanted to leave, escape just like you did. Maybe find you and we could be together again. So I try really hard not to slack off, although sometimes I had trouble,” Jacob admitted. “But I’m doing the best that I can.”

Jacob continued looking at the produce aisle. “I’m planning on going to community college, at least for the first two years. I didn’t get any full scholarships, so there is no way to afford college unless I do community first. After that, I can transfer and maybe get a scholarship or financial aid.”

“I still have to finish out senior year. With Mom gone, there’s no way I can make payments on my own. She usually got enough money together, somehow, maybe with the help of her many boyfriends.” Jacob snorted in disgust. “So I’m making arrangements to stay at my friend’s house. He’s going out of state in the fall. His parents are cool and like me. It really helps that I’m already eighteen…”

“Wow,” Pete murmured. “You have everything together.”

“It wasn’t easy. Sometimes I get so mad,” Jacob said shaking his head, his voice tight. “At how things turned out. I just really wish Dad hadn’t died,” he whispered.

“Me, too,” Pete breathed his eyes stinging.

“It was worse for you though.” Jacob’s statement filled Pete with fear. How much did Jacob know? Pete slowly looked up and mustered the courage to look into Jacob’s dark eyes. They were unreadable. Pete’s lips trembled and he gripped the shopping cart in an effort to steel himself.

“I’m glad you ran, Pete,” Jacob said quietly. Pete nearly fainted. “I was angry you didn’t take me with you, but in time I realized that you couldn’t. There was no way the two of us would survive. I was too young, but on your own…”

“Jacob,” Pete whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. Life was better once you left.”

Pete’s eyes filled with tears and this time they coursed down his cheeks. Jacob frowned and moved closer. “Not exactly, Jacob. Not exactly.”

“You know what?” Jacob asked grabbing Pete’s arm. “Fuck cooking. Let’s order pizza or whatever you feel like having. Let’s go home. You can shower and rest up and we can…talk.” He led Pete back out to the car.

Pete was silent for most of the ride. When they approached the familiar looking house they had lived in all those year, it looked the same. Pete felt the same sense of dread just looking at it. The memories attached to the house came back to him with full force.

“You promise not to hate me when I tell you?” Pete asked nervously.

Jacob looked at him. “I loved and hated you for awhile Pete,” he sighed. “I loved and hated you leaving me when I was a kid. When I needed you most.” Jacob’s gaze was penetrating.

“You know,” Pete whispered. “You know, don’t you?”

Jacob shrugged, not giving a direct answer. “I know what I think I know. Why don’t you fill in the missing puzzle pieces for me?”

Pete swallowed hard. “I don’t know if I can tell you everything. I’m so ashamed,” he whispered.

“Then tell me what you can. Tell me a little at a time. Start from the beginning and see how far we get.”

“From the beginning?” Pete repeated, remembering that was the same thing Andy had said to him months back. The thought of Andy warmed him and stopped his shaking. His lips even curved slightly just thinking of the blond back home. Two blonds actually. It was the weekend; Jordan would be over.

“From the beginning,” Jacob prodded encouragingly. “That’s the best starting point.”

******

“I didn’t know anything for sure,” Jacob said as he sat beside Pete on the porch, drinking soda. The evening was cool. It felt easier to talk outside because everything Pete looked at gave him bad memories. “I was young when it started, right?”

Pete nodded, too ashamed to say anything.

“I knew you were hurting but I didn’t know why. You would be crying although you tried to hide it. You’d be in pain. I thought maybe kids at school were giving you problems, but there weren’t any visible bruises, at least not to your face,” he said carefully. “You’d never tell me anything,” Jacob sounded hurt.

“I couldn’t tell you,” Pete said quietly. “You were just a baby. And I didn’t want you to know. I wanted to protect you. The truth was ugly. I was disgusted with myself, with what I agreed to do. And you were just a child,” Pete defended himself in a soft voice.

“Living with Mom…you were all I had, you know. You were on my side. You were supposed to be on my side.” Jacob’s voice sounded accusatory.

“I was always on your side.” Pete looked away, staring up at the dark blue sky. “I’m sorry I left.”

“There was this one time, I remember it clearly,” Jacob began. Pete’s ears pricked with interest. “It didn’t make sense at the time. You were in the bathroom. It was late,” Jacob’s voice was deep and troubled. “You thought I was asleep, but I was only pretending. You were crying and somehow I knew you didn’t want me to see you that way.”

Pete’s breath hitched. He waited for the rest of the story.

“I saw you,” Jacob said. “You left the door open. Just a little, but I saw you. You were crouching on top of the toilet, and you were crying. Your face was red. It seemed like you were never going to stop.”

“Jacob,” Pete interrupted, unable to listen any further. The memories were eating at him. He too remembered that night. It was a particularly violent one.

Jacob wasn’t done. He had to get the words out. “There was blood.”

Pete froze. He remembered the pain. He remembered the blood. Vividly. Too vividly. His chest tightened.

“You were bleeding, Pete. There was blood on your pants, on the back of it.” Jacob had difficulty swallowing.

A tense silence came over them. Jacob broke it first. Pete was thankful that Jacob was taking the lead.

“I started figuring out the truth once you were gone,” Jacob said in a soft voice. “When you left and it was obvious you weren’t coming home, she started saying all these things, things that didn’t make sense. I thought she was just drunk and I hid in our room until she passed out.”

“What did she say?” Pete asked with a lump in his throat. “Jacob?” he asked when his brother went silent.

Jacob sighed. “You didn’t come home that night. Or the next night. Or the night after that. Then I realized you had left for good. At first, like I said, I was mad. I just stewed in our room wondering why you left me behind, with her,” Jacob said with anger in his voice. “Then I got curious. I thought maybe Mom knew why you left. I had to ask her. I had to. I had to know why you left.”

“She blew up,” Jacob recalled in a faraway tone. “She was drunk or high, as usual, and everything just came out. She wasn’t very coherent, but it was enough. Suddenly that memory I had stored, that memory of you in the bathroom, crying and bleeding—it all made sense. It clicked. And I just knew. I didn’t know every little detail, but I knew it had been something terrible.”

Pete blinked rapidly and choked back a sob. “What did she say?”

“She said you were a useless, good for nothing bad son. That you left your family. That you left her even though she cared for you all these years.”

Anger grew in Pete’s stomach. His fists clenched. He silently cursed the dead woman.

“She said her friends would not be happy. That her friends wanted you and the money was important. That her friends needed to get their “little boy fix”. Said that you were selfish for leaving because you liked it. You liked what they did to you because you’re gay.” Jacob’s voice faltered on the last word.

Pete felt sick. He bowled over, his head in his hands. “Please…”

“Then she said she needed to find another way to make money.”

Pete’s head snapped back up. “Jacob?” he asked with fear in his voice. “She didn’t…please tell me she didn’t…”

Jacob chuckled, but it sounded hard to Pete’s ears. “I always waiting, always preparing myself for something bad to happen, but it never came. I was expecting it. I don’t know why it didn’t happen.”

“I think something snapped in her. She got worse and worse, drinking and partying, never coming home. I saw her a lot less. In some odd way I think she felt guilty.”

Pete scoffed. “I don’t think so. I don’t know if that woman is even capable of guilt or remorse.”

“She didn’t always use to be that way,” Jacob said.

“You remember?”

“I don’t remember her exactly, but I remember we were happy,” Jacob shrugged.

“That was because of Dad. He was the buffer. Mom was never very maternal. Once he was gone, so was her façade. I don’t know why he even married her.”

“Even though she was a bad mother, it’s hard for me to hate her. She’s still my mother. Still my blood,” Jacob’s voice was thick. “I always thought I wouldn’t care when she died, but I do.”

Pete didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to admit that he felt the same way. “Maybe you just love the person she once was. Or the mother you wanted her to be.” Pete looked at Jacob. “It’s confusing and our emotions are fucking with our minds. I don’t know if I will really mourn her or wish she were alive or if I really loved her. More than anything, I regret the life I didn’t have. I feel cheated. I regret the person I could have been. I just don’t know anything anymore.”

“Neither do I,” Jacob said as he closed the space and hugged Pete. It was awkward at first. Pete still thought of Jacob as a child, but his brother was the one comforting him.

“God, you got big,” Pete said into Jacob’s chest. It broke the tense mood.

“Do you want to eat yet?” Jacob asked. “Because I’m starving.”

“Okay,” Pete murmured. The kitchen was much cleaner than he ever remembered. He couldn’t help staring at it and visualizing his mother laughing and her male friends staring at him. He shivered.

“I’m a cleaning freak these days. Keeping things neat makes me feel better and more in control,” Jacob explained as he filled a cup with water. He grabbed the phone and called up the local pizza place.

Pete didn’t answer. His mind was still on the kitchen. He could see his mother sloppily lounging on the chair, taunting him with her glazed eyes, sneering at him with her drunken mouth.

“Pete?”

He was snapped out of his thoughts and he faced Jacob, who looked worried.

“I’m okay,” Pete smiled weakly. “I will be. I mean, I’ll try not to think about it.”

“The food should be here soon. Let’s continue with our catch-up. Something less heavy,” Jacob said with a heavy sigh. He suddenly looked tired. Pete nodded in agreement.

“How’s school? You like it?”

“I like it. The classes can be challenging and people are rather smart,” Pete smiled. “But I do the best I can.”

“You’re smart, Pete.”

“Sometimes,” Pete sighed. “Not always. I made some bad choices.”

Jacob cocked his head. “What do you mean?”

“Jacob, I have a little more to tell you,” Pete hesitated. “About me. After I left.”

Jacob frowned. “Um, okay.” He blinked, waiting patiently.

Then it all came out in a nervous ramble, one sentence after the other, with barely a breath in between.

“I didn’t want to do it, Jacob. I was sick. I didn’t think I was capable of anything better. I didn’t do it often; only when I was short on rent.”

“I set myself up for failure. It wasn’t possible to work and go to school, but I wanted to make it on my own and prove…”

“I couldn’t get my shit together. I kept falling into that trap. I wanted to do things right, but I ended up hurting myself more.”

“I met Michelle and she turned my life around. Got me a place to stay. That’s when I met Andy…”

“He caught me with some guy in my room. The guy was hurting me. Finally I had to tell Andy the truth even if he might hate me….”

“I’m better now. I haven’t been doing any of that…stuff. I just go to school and work and life is good. God, I hope it stays that way…is it possible? Can I just be normal?”

Pete was pacing back and forth and didn’t realize it until Jacob chucked a rolled up piece of paper at him.

“You’re giving me a headache! Sit down!”

Pete quickly sat, eyeing his brother worriedly, waiting for the judgment to come.

Jacob’s elbows rested on his knees and his brow was wrinkled in thought. Now it was Jacob’s turn for questions.

“Are you hurt, Pete? Are you clean?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve been tested.”

“Are you sure you’re not hurt?”

“Physically I’m okay. Anything else, it’s a toss up.”

“This Michelle woman is helping you with school?”

“She cosigned my loan,” Pete explained marveling at how mature Jacob sounded, asking him these questions like a concerned parent.

“Who is Andy?”

“My roommate.” Pete answered quickly, too quickly; his face turned pink. Jacob studied him. “Seriously, just a roommate.”

Jacob’s eyes narrowed. “I have one more question. About what Mom said about you, Pete, are you gay?” he asked softly.

Pete froze. He licked his lips, his eyes darting around nervously, trying to come up with a good answer. The truth would have been ideal, but his brain wasn’t working properly at the moment.

“I’m not stupid, you know. I know that even if you are gay, you didn’t like what you were doing. It was survival. I know all about survival, although not in the same sense as you. But you do whatever it takes to live. Only an ignorant and cruel person would think you’d get pleasure out of being forced into, well, you know,” Jacob finished uncomfortably.

Pete let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He wiped his sweaty brow. Finally he nodded. “I am. And I didn’t. I didn’t like what I was doing. I hated it.” Pete rubbed at his hands as if trying to wash off the dirty feelings. Jacob caught the action.

Jacob closed his eyes. “Were you afraid to tell me?”

Pete nodded. “I was afraid to tell you anything.”

“You know by trying to protect me, you hurt me more?” Jacob said his voice suddenly harsh.

Pete’s eyes widened in surprise at the abrupt shift in his brother’s attitude.

“Don’t get me wrong, Pete. I’m so happy to see you after all these years. But I’m also really mad. I’m so confused. Every day, I’m someone different. One day I’m a normal guy going to school, hanging with his friends at lunch, trying to be carefree. On another day, I’m trying to live on my own without a father or brother and a shit mother. I understand a lot of things on a rational level, but I’ll never stop being angry that you just left me!” Jacob’s face was red. He obviously had some pent up emotion that he had kept bottled up.

“It’s just how I feel. I’m torn between logic and the truth, and just feeling abandoned. You know? Then I felt so guilty.”

“Guilty?” Pete questioned dumbly. “Why?”

Jacob looked sad for a moment. “Because I was only left behind. You dealt with the abuse, you ran away from home, you dealt with bad situations. I didn’t have any of that. I had a lot of time to think about you Pete and why you left. At first I was angry, but as I got older, I realized I had no right to be angry. I’ve never lived in your shoes. I never experienced your pain.”

“Thank God,” Pete interjected.

“Do you resent me Pete?”

That question startled Pete. “No! Why would you think that?”

“Because you felt like you had to protect me or do those things for me?” Jacob hung his head.

“Jacob,” Pete said fiercely. “I wanted to protect you. Always have, always will. That was my decision. And that woman we call a mother used you against me. She tricked me! She manipulated me! None of this is your fault. You were just a kid!” Pete was panting after his speech.

Jacob gave him a measured look. “None of this is your fault,” Jacob murmured pointedly. “You were just a kid.”

Pete’s mouth fell open. Jacob’s words pierced right through him, cut through his hazy fog of self-loathing. Jacob had repeated his words, but he was right. Pete had been older than Jacob when their mother started selling Pete, but Pete was just a child himself. He was not to blame.

The brothers stared at one another in newfound revelation, silently basking in the comfort of the truth.

The doorbell rang.

“Pizza is here. I’ll get it and then you’re going to tell me who Andy is.” Jacob’s smile was shaky, but genuine. Pete watched Jacob walk through the living room to the front door.

Pete wiped his palm on his jeans. This was going unexpectedly well. But he quickly squelched down his happy feelings. Happiness didn’t last forever. He knew that for a fact.

“Alright eat,” Jacob ordered as he plopped two pies of pizza in front of them.

“Who’s Andy? For real,” Jacob asked after they had eaten in silence for a few minutes.

Pete blushed and looked down at his pizza.

“We’re still playing catch-up. So tell me. And remember, patience isn’t my strong suit,” Jacob reminded.

Pete laughed. “Andy’s my friend.”

“Emphasis on friend. I’m not stupid.” Jacob rolled his eyes. “The sooner you realize that, the better.”

Pete smiled.

“How did you meet? Did he move in or did you move in? What’s the whole story?”

Pete rubbed his head, recalling the rocky start between him and Andy. “That’s a story within a story.”

“Stop stalling.”

Pete grinned impishly.

“Don’t be uncomfortable talking about this. We have to make up for lost time. We can tell each other anything, right?” Jacob’s tone was light, but his dark eyes were serious and full of hope.

Pete realized how badly Jacob wanted to know him and be close to him. Pete wanted the same thing.

After all, they only had each other now.