No Fairytale World - 6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

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“Don’t complain to me about being hungry!” his mother shouted in a shrill voice, her body swaying until she hit the counter. She grimaced in pain.

Peter faced his mother, staring at her with a mixture of horror and shock. The mother he had remembered was no longer there. His little brother Jacob stood behind his legs, clutching them, occasionally peeking at the scene in front of him. Peter was ten, but Jacob was only five. Pete wanted to do his best to protect his younger brother.

“You’re hungry, go get a damn job. I have to work two jobs to support you useless shits. Ever since your father died, it’s been up to me! I didn’t want this life! To slave away every day for someone else. It’s hard, it’s too hard. I can’t take it anymore!” she cried, sliding onto the floor, resting her face on the tile.

Peter moved forward to help her, but stopped when she gave him a cold look.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” she whispered. “When we got married, he promised me a good life. He promised me happiness. But now he’s gone and I’m stuck with nothing but empty dreams, empty promises, and two lazy shits to feed. The two of you are always crying and whining!”

“I married young. I gave your father the best years of my life and I got nothing but two babies in return! Nothing! My life, look at my life now. It’s nothing. I have nothing!” she shouted.

“We need you,” Peter murmured, too stunned to even retreat to his bedroom. “You’re our mother.”

“The two of you are nothing but burdens. You don’t do me any good,” she slurred, blinking rapidly, before her head fell heavily on the tiles. Her breathing evened out.

That wasn’t the first time she came home drunk, leaving them alone for hours, with barely any food. Peter always hated when Jacob cried with hunger, begging for food that Peter couldn’t provide.

There weren’t many nights that passed where he didn’t cry over his father’s death or pray that he and Jacob would die and join their father in heaven. It was better than living in Hell.

Things only got worse over the years.

Somewhere along the way, his mother made a bunch of new friends from the bars and clubs she frequented. At first she stopped coming home or she wouldn’t wake up until the next evening. She could barely hold a job. Then she started inviting her friends over.

Once Peter came home from school with Jacob’s hand held tightly within his. They passed the kitchen and as soon as Peter saw that they had company, he instructed Jacob to go into their shared bedroom and stay there. Peter would then go into the kitchen and rummage for food for the both of them. He didn’t want Jacob to even see their mother’s disgusting friends. One man in particular stared hard at Peter. It made Peter’s skin crawl.

“Peter!” his mother screeched when he was about to make a hasty exit. “Where are your manners?” she asked giggling. “Come back here and say hi.”

Peter turned around reluctantly and faced the three men. His mother was sitting in one man’s lap; the other was smoking and playing cards. He merely nodded at Peter. The last man had his eyes fixed on Peter, with an intense gaze that instilled fear in him for some reason.

“Peter,” the man drawled casually, eyeing him. “How old are you?”

“Thirteen,” Peter said, fighting to keep his voice steady, but not sure if he accomplished his goal.

The man nodded, not saying a word, but his eyes never left Peter’s. His mother looked curiously between Peter and the strange man. An odd look came across her face and her eyes questioned the man.

“I have to do my homework,” Peter finally stammered nervously, licking his lips.

“Go,” his mother dismissed him.

Peter was relieved. The relief didn’t last; he couldn’t forget that man’s stare or the hunger in it.

 

******

 

“You’re not mad?” Peter asked shaking. He was fourteen and he felt like his life was about to end. His mother, a few inches shorter than him, had the power to destroy him. He felt the fear even in his toes.

His mother smiled, but it was a frightening smile. It didn’t reach her eyes and if possible, hardened her features further. She pulled him into a hug, but it felt cold and emotionless.

“You don’t hate me?” Peter asked, hugging her tighter, trying to create a connection that wasn’t there.

“No, dear,” the word dripped off her tongue. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing wrong at all.”

“I was afraid you would throw me out,” Peter murmured. “I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Well, I found out and I’m glad I did. Now you don’t have to shoulder that secret all alone.” The words were right, but her tone was off. It sounded calculating and manipulative. Her voice was too sweet. His mother had never sounded that sweet and genuine even when his father was alive.

But he convinced himself that his mother actually cared. That she was finally coming around. That she would be the mother he needed, the mother he wanted.

It was a child’s hopes and dreams. Completely unrealistic.

 

******

 

“Peter, I need you to be a good boy. Can you do that for me?”

Peter stared at his mother, studying her face. She had aged tremendously and he had never really noticed until that moment. Her skin was pale, like his, but filled with spots, and wrinkles. Actually, the more he stared, her skin took on a yellow shade and she looked sickly. Her dark eyes were like red ink blots, all blood shot.

“Peter!” she scolded sharply. “Are you listening to me?”

Her teeth were crooked and stained. Her lips were thin and chapped. Her hair hung dryly past her shoulders. He hardly recognized his mother. Was she even his mother anymore? He couldn’t remember the woman that had been his mother. How things had changed.

“Peter!” She shook him hard and he gasped at the pendulum movements. “I need you to be a good boy and get ready.”

“Mom, do I have to do this?” He was trembling. His body felt ice cold at what he had been asked to do. One part of his brain was telling him to shout and run away. The other half wanted to please his mother. He would do anything to please her, but as far as he could remember, that had been an impossible task. Now it seemed like she was asking for his soul and he didn’t know what to do.

“You’re almost a man, Peter,” she went on in a clipped voice. “You need to start helping this family out. I can’t handle all of us on my own anymore.”

Peter stared at her blankly.

“Don’t you want to help Jacob? He’s having trouble in school and needs a tutor. You care about your brother, right?” she said tilting her head. “You’re not that selfish where you’d only think of yourself? Put yourself ahead of your family?”

He didn’t answer her. He was having a battle in his mind.

“After all, this won’t be so bad. You like it, right?” Her thin lips curled in a sneer. He could see the cruel laughter in her eyes. In that moment, it clicked. His admission one year before was now being used against him. He felt as if someone had dumped ice water on him. This revelation scared him, but made him want to get that satanic gleam out of her eyes even more.

“Don’t try to deny it. I know you would like it. I know what you dirty, little, sinful boys think about. I know what goes on in that sick mind when you’re jerking off,” she hissed stabbing her finger forcefully into Peter’s forehead. He flinched and tried to dodge away. She laughed, the shrill sound grating his ears.

“I’m doing you a favor. You should be grateful, you little shit. This is a mutual benefits thing,” his mother went on, her eyes crazed, her hair a mess.

He pleaded with her using his eyes. ‘Don’t make me do this’ he begged silently. ‘I’m only fifteen. I’m gay, but I don’t want to do this.’

“Let’s get you dressed, shall we?” She grabbed his arm and he cringed at the tight grip. “Stop stalling!” she hissed dragging him to his room. “Stop being so selfish. Think about me and your brother. We need money. We need a place to stay. Don’t you care about your family? Huh? Don’t you?” she demanded getting in his face again. “After all I’ve done for you!” she whispered close to his face. Her breath smelled like cigarettes and beer. Instinctively he tried to withdraw.

“Yes,” he murmured. “Yes, I care.”

“Good,” she said with satisfaction. “Do your part.” The heartless gleam was back in her eyes. She roughly shoved him into his room. “Get dressed. We leave in fifteen minutes. He’s expecting you.”

With numb hands, he got dressed.

He wasn’t sure, but he swore he heard music playing as his fingers clumsily zipped up his nicest pair of jeans. Peter wondered if the music was all in his imagination.

 

******

 

“Such soft skin,” the man known as Mr. D whispered, his voice thick with lust, his eyes burning with desire. His hands were large and warm and a bit dry. His touch made Peter shudder. Peter had to plant his feet firmly on the ground to stop himself from fleeing.

It was so tempting. The door was right behind him. A few feet and he would be out of there. Freedom; it was right in front of him. Why wasn’t he taking it?

Peter forced himself to stay still, but he knew that the man could feel him trembling in spite of his best efforts. He could see it in the man’s smile, wide and leering. The man’s hands never left his face.

“Are you scared?”

Peter slowly shook his head, his eyes glued to the man’s chin, his bottom lip quivering slightly.

“Don’t be scared. I promise not to hurt you,” Mr. D whispered. He gripped Peter’s chin tightly. “Do you believe me?”

“Yes,” Peter mumbled.

“Good,” Mr. D said in a soft tone, rubbing his thumb over Peter’s bottom lip rhythmically. “Good. We will have a good time then, right?”

Peter nodded because he knew that was expected of him.

“Good boy. Now let’s get more comfortable,” Mr. D went on, his hands moving down Peter’s chest before reaching for the hem and slowly pulling it over Peter’s head. Peter felt cold and shivered. “We’ll warm up soon enough,” Mr. D said his breath hot against Peter’s cheek. His hands ventured further down to Peter’s jeans, swiftly and effectively undoing the button and zipper. All that was left was his boxers.

Peter’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. This was it.

Mr. D hooked his large, fat fingers into the waistband of Peter’s boxers and slipped them down Peter’s slender hips. The man let out a garbled gasp and Peter squeezed his eyes shut in shame, in humiliation, in fear. Without thinking, he shrank into himself and tried to hide, but hands roughly grabbed his waist and pulled him forward again.

“Let me look at you.” It was an order.

Peter swallowed hard, remembering his mother’s face and her demand. He thought of Jacob. He realized he had made his decision. Peter would do this for his family. His mother had done so much for them already. She had been right. It was his turn to help. That’s what his mother said. He had to do it.

He took a deep breath and resisted the urge to cover himself. He opened his eyes to find Mr. D staring at him, drinking in every bit of his pale, smooth, youthful body.

‘For my family, for my family, for my family,’ he mentally chanted.

Mr. D sighed. “You’re beautiful. Just perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted, and now you’re right in front of me…finally.” His voice was thick with lust.

He grabbed Peter’s hand and led him to the bed. Peter’s heart was pounding so fast, he bowled over briefly, feeling the urge to vomit. “Please.” The word was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Mr. D smiled and pushed Peter onto the bed with force. Peter bounced and clutched the covers tightly. “No!” Peter gasped when Mr. D shoved his legs apart. The man’s callous hand wrapped around Peter’s flaccid length and began stroking. The movement was slow and gentle. Despite his best efforts, Peter couldn’t stop himself from growing hard. He bit down hard on his lip to suppress a moan.

“Like that?” Mr. D asked softly, tightening his grip, his hand moving faster. Peter squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered. “I know you do,” Mr. D whispered, watching in delight as Peter writhed in reluctant pleasure. Finally, he pulled his hand back. Peter’s eyes shot open.

“Undress me,” Mr. D commanded, standing in front of him. “Now.”

Peter was sweating, his palms clammy. This was it. There was no turning back.

‘For Mom and Jacob,’ he mentally screamed. He took a breath and squared his shoulders. ‘I can do this. If I do this, things will get better. I know they will. I just know it.’

‘But what if it doesn’t get better?’ His brain was stubborn and liked to argue.

‘It has to get better. I have to have hope, right?’ Pete thought to himself as he stared at the looming man in front of him.

Mr. D wasn’t much taller than him, but the man’s presence was oppressive and terrifying. Pete had the urge to run again, but forcefully squelched it. He would do this for his mother. He would do this for Jacob. Maybe finally they would be a family again. Like the family they had been when his father was alive.

With shaking hands, he reached for the man’s belt.

Minutes later, the man was moaning loudly in pleasure.

 

******

 

Andy felt a lump in his throat. Although Pete had stopped talking, it was obvious where his story was going. Andy opened his mouth, but couldn’t get a word out because the saliva had thickened considerably in his throat.

“Pete,” Andy whispered. That’s all he managed before Pete broke out sobbing, hunched over, his fingers covering his face. Andy stopped talking, afraid of upsetting Pete further. He gently placed his hand on Pete’s back. Pete flinched and Andy quickly started to withdraw his hand.

“No,” Pete said in a small voice. “It’s ok. It feels,” he paused. “Good. Comforting,” he whispered. He sank into Andy’s touch, as if craving the contact.

Andy hesitantly placed his hand on Pete’s back and left it there. Then he slowly started moving it, rubbing soothing circles. He still didn’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ sounded so empty and hollow. Really, there were no words to express the sorrow Andy felt for Pete. It was obvious that Pete had been through a lot of pain in the past. But even worse, his memories still plagued him today.

So they just sat together. “You don’t have to go on, Pete,” Andy said quietly. “I know I asked you to tell me the truth, but don’t say anymore. Not if it’s too painful.”

Pete turned and buried his face in Andy’s chest and cried. “So long. It’s been so long.”

Andy had questions, but knew it wasn’t the time to ask.

Instead, he focused on comforting Pete, the hurt and vulnerable boy who tried so hard to be strong.

 

******

 

Andy groaned and shifted in bed, rubbing his neck after cracking it loudly. “Fuck,” he moaned as he buried his face in the pillow, attempting to get comfortable.

Then he shot up. “Shit! Work!” He jumped out of bed and started grabbing for his clothes when he realized none of the clothes were his. Frowning he looked around and noticed Pete lying on the bed, curled like a baby, hugging his pillow. He looked peaceful.

All the events from the day before, as well as what Pete had told him, made him feel drained. He didn’t feel like going into work. He really wanted to spend the day with Pete. Perhaps Pete wouldn’t want to be alone. Andy couldn’t help feeling a sense of protectiveness towards the younger man.

Andy’s life was in the toilet right now, but his upbringing had been almost perfect; an only child, money, the best opportunities, and loving parents. It seems Pete had none of that and was now bearing the psychological burden of abuse. He felt a need to make Pete feel better or at least talk to him more. Pete did trust him on some level and this could only benefit Pete.

Quietly walking into the kitchen, he left a message with his boss saying he woke up with a stomach ache. Then he started the coffee maker and went to the bathroom. Emerging, he peeked into Pete’s room and found the boy still asleep. He decided to shower since he hadn’t had a chance the night before. Maybe a hot shower would give him some ideas on how to talk more with Pete, how to get a better picture of the guy’s life up to this point.

Fifteen minutes later, he felt refreshed and clean. Donning a loose pair of sweats, he checked again on Pete, who was still sleeping. Andy decided now was a good a time as any to wake him up. Pete probably wanted to sleep the entire day, but that wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“Pete?” he asked quietly, stepping cautiously into the room. Pete didn’t stir.

“Pete?” he tried again. This time he placed his hand on Pete’s shoulder. He knew that Pete was awake. “It’s ok, Pete,” he said in a soothing voice. Pete started shaking again.

“Did last night really happen?” Pete asked in a small voice. “Did you really see?” his voice broke. “See me and that guy?”

Andy paused then sighed. “Yes.”

Pete let out a groan. “Oh God. I was hoping all of that was a nightmare.” He was still curled in a ball, not facing Andy. “I can’t believe this. You and Mark must think I’m disgusting,” he whispered.

“No, we don’t,” Andy said firmly, although he couldn’t speak for Mark. “And don’t worry about Mark. I’ll talk to him.”

That got Pete’s attention. He sprang up on the bed and grabbed Andy’s bare shoulders. “NO!” he shouted.

Andy’s eyes widened in alarm.

“You can’t tell him anything. Please! He’ll kick me out and I’ll be even worse off than I already am.” Pete’s eyes were red and starting to look glassy.

Andy worried that Pete was going to start sobbing again. His goal was to cheer Pete up, not break him down further.

Andy wrapped his hands around Pete’s wrists. “I have to tell him something, but I promise not to tell him everything or go into details. He was here last night and he saw…” he trailed off. “He wants answers, Pete.”

Pete’s lips trembled. “I won’t have anywhere to go,” he pleaded.

“I won’t let Mark kick you out,” Andy said confidently. “We will work something out, okay? I promise.”

Pete stared into Andy’s eyes. Slowly, he began to nod and his breathing evened out. His shoulders relaxed, as well as his grip on Andy’s shoulders. Pete’s eyes drifted to Andy’s naked torso and he stared. Andy couldn’t help blushing, but didn’t pull away.

“Uh, want something to eat?” Andy blurted out. “It might make you feel better.”

“Not likely,” Pete said weakly, meeting Andy’s eyes again.

“But it’s worth a shot?” Andy asked hopefully.

Pete smiled genuinely and his whole face lit up. “Yeah. It’s worth a shot.”

Andy cooked breakfast quickly as Pete sat at the kitchen table, hunched into himself. Silently, Andy handed him a plate. They both began shoveling food into their mouths in an effort to hold off on talking.

A few minutes into eating, Andy couldn’t take it anymore. He peeked at Pete.

Pete cleared his throat. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I was late and didn’t feel like going. I called in sick. You have school and work today?” Andy asked in return.

“Yeah,” Pete sighed. “But I don’t know if I can focus on anything. I’ll just be sitting there in body. What a night,” he groaned, rubbing his forehead. “And work. Shit, I have to go to work. Even with my side thing,” Pete averted his eyes, “Um, I still need to work in order to pay for stuff.”

“Pete, how long have you been doing your, umm, side thing?” Andy asked hesitantly.

Pete choked and dropped his fork. He began coughing loudly, hitting his chest. Andy stared worriedly, not knowing what to do. The steps of the Heimlich ran through his mind, but by that time, Pete was breathing regularly again.

“That question,” Pete wheezed. “Leads to a big mess.”

“How so?”

“Because there’s no easy way for me to answer that,” Pete replied.

“Start small and from the very beginning,” Andy suggested. “Or if you really don’t want to say, you don’t have to…”

“I want to, just give me a minute to collect my thoughts,” Pete said quietly. “After what you’ve seen, I guess you kind of deserve to know.”

“I’ll only know what you tell me. It’s your business and I don’t deserve to know anything,” Andy said. “Although, I hope you trust me enough to confide in me. Maybe I can help you.”

“I doubt that,” Pete said wistfully. “I think I’m broken beyond repair.”

“I don’t believe that,” Andy said. “Everyone can be fixed.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” Andy said slowly. Then he thought about his life. He realized that in time, his life would get better and eventually tensions would die down, but what about Pete? Would Pete’s memories always haunt and hurt him?

“You don’t even believe your own answer,” Pete pointed out a bit snidely.

“I don’t know for sure,” Andy admitted. “I like to think that it’s possible. That everything and everyone can be fixed with time. With love.”

“Love,” Pete snorted. “Does that exist?”

“Yes,” Andy said seriously. “Unfortunately, not everyone gets it like they should.”

“People who shouldn’t have kids become parents. They have children and instead of loving them, protecting them, they hurt them with the most terrible pain.”

“People who shouldn’t marry get married. Then later on, they realize they can’t cure or stop their attraction to men,” Andy paused and pulled on the tip of his nose. “They end up hurting their wife and child and parents.”

“Life is unfair. Fate can be cruel sometimes. And we, people, can suffer terribly.” Andy kept his eyes trained on his cup, afraid to meet Pete’s eyes. Along with Pete’s pain, Andy felt his own pain bubbling to the surface once again.

When Andy finally did look up, Pete was staring at him with an open expression. “I agree,” Pete said quietly. “Life is unfair. Fate can be cruel sometimes. People do things, even if it means sacrificing themselves for others. Trying to please, trying to be loved,” Pete went on.

“It’s a bunch of useless shit. I was a good kid. I did my best to be a good son, to help my mother out, but it meant nothing. Nothing,” he snorted looking at Andy, his lip curling bitterly. “My mother still whored me out for a buck. And I’m still a whore, as you witnessed last night.” Pete looked down and rubbed his nose, sniffling.

They finished the remainder of their breakfast in silence. Then Pete shuffled to the couch and sank down with a heavy sigh. Andy followed suit.

“I’m going to pack my things,” Pete announced, defeat in his voice.

“What? Why?” Andy turned to Pete in alarm.

“I can’t live here anymore,” Pete said. “Mark will kick me out anyway. I’m disgusting. You’re disgusted by me.”

“I’m not!” Andy exclaimed loudly. Pete looked at him with surprise at the unexpected volume of Andy’s voice. “Listen,” Andy began in a calmer tone. “I’m not disgusted with you. I don’t think you’re a whore. What you’ve told me about your past, and your mother, and trying to pay for school now, I can understand. A little.”

“I bet you’re wondering how I ended up here, at this point in my life,” Pete said. “Wondering why I’m doing my side thing,” he emphasized the last two words.

“The thought had crossed my mind,” Andy said lightly, shrugging.

“Three years, Andy,” Pete said. “It lasted three years. I allowed it to go on for three years.” His eyes watered. “Then I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much, too much pain, too many nights crying. So I left. When I turned eighteen and graduated high school, I left.”

“Just like that?” Andy asked.

“Just like that,” Pete echoed, then cocked his head and laughed bitterly. “Well, not just like that. Is anything in life ever ‘just like that?”

Andy smiled. “I suppose not.”

“It took a lot of courage for me to leave. I was scared shitless. I would be on my own, homeless, with no direction and no one to turn to. But I knew I had to leave. Things would never get better and I feared that one day, my mother would send me to someone who might kill me. I couldn’t stay there and I didn’t want to.”

“So what did you do?”

“I ran. It’s what I do best,” Pete said with a faint smile.

Andy frowned. He was getting tired of being so damn confused around Pete. “What?” he asked in exasperation.

“I ran from home. I had a part time job in high school. I lied to my mom and said I did sports and clubs all year round. I knew she would have taken my money, given the chance.”

“I saved up. I had been planning to run away forever, it seems like. I bought a plane ticket. On the last day of school, I took a cab to the airport and never looked back. Welcome to the Big Apple,” Pete smiled shaking his head, his eyes holding a faraway look.

“The first place I went to was Times Square. I had always wanted to see it. It’s really beautiful, you know that? Much better in real life,” Pete said his face lighting up. “I ate some food and hung out there. The first night, I managed to hang out at the Starbucks on 42^nd; it was open 24 hours. I dozed on and off. Luckily, the managers didn’t kick me out. They could have. The next day, I started searching for an apartment. Thank God for internet cafes.”

Andy listened to all this quietly. “You managed to figure everything out so easily on your second day?”

Pete sighed. “Nothing was that easy, Andy. But what choice did I have? As scary as being in the city, all alone, with nowhere to stay, staying at home was even scarier.”

“So what happened?”

“Let’s not go through all the details,” Pete said rubbing his eyes. “I’ll tell you the Cliff Notes version, okay?”

Andy nodded.

“I got a cheap apartment in Brooklyn. Although the dude was a little shady, overall he was a nice guy. I was desperate and the rent was cheaper than anywhere else. I got two jobs, figured the more money I made the better because what I brought with me wouldn’t last long. Then I could plan for school and stuff. I always wanted to go to college, but I never had the money for it. My mom certainly didn’t have the money for it. And no way in hell was I staying close to her. If I was going to leave, it would be across the country. Across the world if I could have done it!” Pete exclaimed.

“I always wanted to go to New York. I figured once I made it here, once I was away from all that shit, I could slowly work my way up. I figured things would get better.”

“You were a legal adult. Why didn’t you apply for loans or scholarships?” Andy asked frowning.

Pete shot him a look. “Dude, I was getting fucked by old dudes for money. My own mother pimped me out. Did you really think I had any idea how to get a loan or scholarship? I could barely think that far ahead. All I wanted to do was leave. Leave everything behind. I didn’t want to stay a second longer and do those things with my mother’s friends.” He shuddered.

“I probably should have applied for a scholarship. I probably wouldn’t be in this mess otherwise. But I guess I thought that even if I got a scholarship, I wouldn’t be able to leave until September. And I wanted to leave more than anything,” Pete mumbled. “What can I say? I was a stupid kid. Still am.”

“You’re not stupid,” Andy broke in automatically.

“Not to mention, how could I get a loan? I had no assets; I owned nothing. And I had no one to cosign shit,” Pete continued, as if Andy didn’t say anything.

Andy held up his hands. “Sorry, sorry.”

Pete stared at him. Then he sighed. “No, I’m sorry. I get defensive sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” Andy muttered under his breath, looking away briefly.

Pete ignored Andy and continued with his story. “I enrolled at a CUNY school. For non-residents it cost more money, but it was still cheaper than any university. But working two jobs and going to school full time didn’t work out. I could have done part-time, but I wanted to be normal, you know? I wanted to pretend I was like all the other college kids, juggling four or five classes, complaining about work on the side. I knew that if I did part-time, I’d slack off and never finish. So I pushed myself.”

“But I got exhausted. I ended up quitting one job, thinking that I could manage somehow. Things got tight. And that’s when I had to,” he hesitated and looked away. “You know, to get by. I couldn’t pay my rent. A couple blow jobs here and there really supplemented my paychecks. But after I made rent, I felt so disgusted that I couldn’t concentrate in school. Ultimately, I either failed or left. I couldn’t face my roommate, although he never knew anything.”

“So I ran again. There was something about running that made me feel powerful, like I was taking control of the situation, you know? Like if something was bad, I left. Nothing could harm me.”

Andy nodded although he couldn’t empathize completely.

Pete met Andy’s eyes. “This happened on and off until I was almost twenty-one. By then I kept following the same pattern. Sometimes my roommates found out I was gay. When I didn’t have enough money or was short, I’d help them out with their, umm, needs. I was beginning to think that,” he choked. “That my mother was right. That I did like, you know, selling myself. That I wouldn’t amount to anything and all I was good for was a cheap fuck. But why did I feel so dirty and disgusted afterwards? Why did I take such hot showers?”

Andy shook his head, his face sympathetic. What else could he do? He could do nothing but listen and offer silent support to Pete.

After rubbing his eyes, Pete continued. “Then I tried one more time. I got two jobs which I vowed to keep at all costs. I’d make it work. I’d prove my mother wrong. I just lucked out when I developed a friendship with Mark’s girlfriend, Michelle. She’s amazing. So sweet and caring and nice. Like the older sister I never had. Sometimes I would imagine she’s my mother. Did you know she even cosigned my loan? She had that much faith in me.”

Pete glanced worriedly at Andy. “She knows everything about my past, but she doesn’t know what I’ve been doing lately, so please don’t tell her.”

Andy nodded. All that made sense. “Pete,” he began. Pete looked up questioningly. “I saw you one time. A while back, I came home from dinner at my parents’ house and I saw you with a guy. You were umm, giving him oral.” Andy flushed for some reason.

Pete’s eyes were wide. “You saw me?”

“I came home and I glanced in your room. The door was partially open. I’m sorry. I quickly went into my room…”

“You knew all this time?” Pete demanded.

“I had an idea. But in my defense, how could I approach you about it?” Andy shot back. “You’re the hardest sonofabitch to talk to about the weather, let alone about your personal life! And I didn’t know anything for sure. For all I knew, he was your boyfriend who liked to play rough or role play or something. It was none of my business,” Andy said.

Pete looked angry, stunned, and betrayed. He was breathing hard, but in a minute he calmed down.

“If you don’t have to pay rent, why are you still doing your side thing?” Andy asked. “And then once you started doing that stuff again, how come you didn’t run like you usually did?”

“That’s a loaded question,” Pete murmured picking at his eyebrow. He sighed heavily. “School is expensive, Andy. The free rent helps. Michelle and Mark did me a favor. And although we’re not exactly friends, I do like living with you.”

“Really?” Andy couldn’t hide his surprise. “You haven’t shown it at all.”

Pete smiled. “I don’t really show anything on the outside. But you offered an odd level of comfort for some reason. Maybe it was because you are good friends with Mark. Michelle happens to think you’re a nice guy. I trust her opinion. Maybe it was Jordan and how good you are with him. If you’re a good father, maybe you were someone I could trust, too. Mostly, I saw the pain in your eyes. You had your own personal shit. For whatever reason, that made me feel safe. We were two souls suffering under the same roof, perhaps brought together by fate.” He blushed when he caught Andy staring. “I mean, we just happened to move into Mark’s place, and all that…”

Andy smiled. “I see what you’re saying. Mark mentioned something like that to me.”

“As for why I need the extra money, well, Columbia is a lot tougher and working forty hours a week wasn’t realistic. I made it to Columbia and I don’t want to drop out. This is my chance, you see? So on the side, I’m saving up for the loan, and paying my own bills because Michelle helped me enough,” he paused, “I’ve also been sending some money back home.”

“Back home?” Andy asked loudly in shock. “Why? For your mother?” Andy couldn’t believe it. Pete had a heart of gold, in that case.

“No,” Pete said firmly. “Never for her. She could rot for all I care. She could die buried alive. She deserves to suffer long and hard.”

“Then why do you send money home?” Andy frowned in confusion, but then it dawned on him. “You spoke of a brother. You have a brother. What happened to him?”

At that, Pete’s face crumbled. He buried his face in his hands. “Oh God, Andy. I did something terrible!”

“What?” Andy nearly shouted in alarm.

“I left him. I left him,” Pete wailed. Andy stared at him wide-eyed. Pete became hysterical. “What choice did I have? If I stayed, I would have died. I couldn’t take that shit anymore. I knew if I left, my brother may or may not be the next choice for my mother and her fucking friends, but I thought this was for the best.”

“If I left and made something of myself, then he could join me. I could send for him. Save him. When he can finally leave, he will have somewhere stable to go to. But it took me so long and I kept screwing up! So all I can do is send him money as often as I can, hoping he gets it, and he’s saving it somewhere safe, so one day he can run. Just like I did.”

Pete let out a cry. “And maybe, just maybe,” he paused, tears falling angrily, “I just didn’t care! I just wanted to leave and get away so badly that I didn’t care about him or anyone else. For once, I was just going to worry about myself. I was just, I just didn’t care! I wanted to leave!” He cried into his hands, his shoulders shaking, the guilt coming off of him in waves. “I’m a horrible person,” Pete whispered. “We were always so close and I just left. What if he hates me?”

Andy’s mouth was hanging open. “How old is your brother?” he finally asked.

“Seventeen. He’ll be eighteen in about three months. I’m hoping he’ll contact me. I’ve been writing to him regularly, but I keep the details minimal. I’m going to send him something on his birthday and see if he replies. I’m afraid to give him any information now in case my mother might find me.” The fear was evident in Pete’s voice.

“You’re an adult. She can’t do anything to you now,” Andy said gently.

Pete shook his head, the fear never leaving his face. “You’re wrong, Andy.” He shook his head again. “She’ll always hurt me. You know why?” he paused. “The pain never goes away.”

Andy imagined that kind of pain and fear never went away. Fear of one’s mother and her betrayal. For fuck’s sake, Pete had been so young. So young. “Does your brother know what happened? When you were still home?”

Pete massaged his neck. “I don’t think so. He was too young and I was pretty good at shielding him from the truth. I couldn’t bear for him to know what was happening, but it’s possible he knew more than he let on.”

Andy rubbed his temple. This was an overload of information and too much to process in one sitting. “Damn,” he muttered to himself. “Pete?”

“Yeah?”

“Listen, I know you want to save money for your brother, but maybe you can put aside a quarter of your paycheck each time and send that. Every bit is better than nothing. As for the loan, why not just pay it off once you get a job? That’s what everyone else does,” Andy suggested hesitantly.

Before Pete could answer, Andy surged ahead. “I don’t think you should do any side things for money, okay? It’s hurting you, inside and out. When I found you last night, my God, that was a horrifying sight. Your face…” Andy trailed off, remembering the silent scream on Pete’s face and the tears. “He was hurting you. I don’t want to see you get hurt like that again. Please stop. You don’t have to do this. There are other ways of managing. There always are. Don’t let yourself fall into that trap, where you think it’s so hopeless that you’ll do anything…”

“I know,” Pete whispered. “I know.”

“Who was that guy?” Andy asked quietly, wanting to know everything since Pete was being so forthcoming. He had to seize the opportunity. “Have you, uh, been with him, you know, more than once?” Andy asked hesitantly, having a hunch.

Pete avoided Andy’s eyes. “He was persistent. He wanted to fuck me and he offered a lot of money,” Pete said in a small voice. “I couldn’t say no.”

“So he was the same guy that hurt you the first time?” Andy asked.

“Yes,” Pete answered still staring at the floor. “Since he paid so much, I barely did anything with anyone else. It didn’t make me feel as dirty if I limited it to one guy. I know that doesn’t make any sense…”

“Pete,” Andy said in a strong tone, with emotion that surprised even himself. “Promise me you won’t see that guy, or anyone else, ever again. Okay? Promise me!”

Pete stared at him, his mouth slightly open, and nodded slowly.

“Say it!” Andy demanded. “We can figure something out, but I need to hear you say it. Promise me!”

Pete nodded again, more vigorously this time. “Okay. I promise. I’ll earn my money the honest way, although taxes are a bitch,” he joked weakly.

“Pete!”

“I promise,” Pete said sincerely, this time, with a hint of a smile in his eyes.

Andy gazed into Pete’s eyes a bit longer, before sinking into the couch. He sighed. “I’m going to have to call Mark.”

Instantly, Pete’s eyes filled with worry. Andy was quick to reassure him. “You promise not to do any more business in his house and I promise not to tell Mark all the details. Trust me?” Andy waited for Pete’s answer.

Pete sat up a little straighter. “I do.”

“Good. We have a deal?”

“We have a deal.”

 

******

 

“He won’t do it again?” Mark asked begrudgingly.

“No.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“He promised me,” Andy said as if it was obvious.

“And you trust him?” Mark asked in disbelief.

“Yes,” Andy replied honestly. “I do. I don’t know how or why, but for some reason he trusts me. And I trust him.”

“I don’t know, man. The thought of that shit going on in my house is too much to handle,” Mark said. “I mean, I don’t mind helping him out since he’s a kid and is practically Michelle’s adopted baby brother, but I don’t like the escort business or whatever, running under my roof! What would my parents think?”

Andy sighed. “Mark, I completely understand, but you can’t just kick him out. What would Michelle think?”

“Don’t play the Michelle card,” Mark warned.

“How about if he does it again, then you kick him out?” Andy suggested. “He’s had a rough upbringing. He didn’t like it if that’s what you’re thinking,” Andy said a bit defensively. “He did it more out of necessity. Try to imagine being in his shoes? His dad died when he was young. His mother was an abusive drunk who was never around. People do what they need to do in order to survive,” Andy said, trying to get Mark’s sympathy without giving away too much.

Mark’s features softened after Andy’s speech. Andy decided to lay it on even more.

“Then look at us: good parents, a loving home, college and everything paid for by our parents. Hell, your parents even gave you this house. We have to help Pete. Mark, if you kick him out, you do know he would have to live somewhere else with expensive ass rent and will be whoring himself full time. He would never get his education and he would get an awful disease, or someone might beat him to death…”

“Okay, okay!” Mark interrupted. “I get the picture!”

Andy smiled triumphantly but quickly dropped it when Mark looked at him.

“You trust him?” Mark asked.

“I do,” Andy stated confidently.

“Fine. We’ll help him out,” Mark said.

“Really?”

Mark sighed. “I might regret this, but yeah. Let’s help him out. I guess he’s not the typical asshole we were hoping for?” he asked.

Andy smiled and shook his head. “I don’t think he’s an asshole at all. He just pretends to be one.”

“Why?”

“To keep people away,” Andy said.

“Bummer. I was hoping he would just be a normal asshole, like when I first met him. I would take his assholic ways over this shit,” Mark groaned. “Why? Why does this shit always happen to me? It’s so unfair! My life sucks!”

Andy looked at his friend incredulously. Mark stopped whining and looked at Andy. After a brief staring contest, they both burst out laughing.

 

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Thanks Frances for editing! And a special thanks to my beta-readers.