No Fairytale World - 14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

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“Susan,” Andy said in a controlled tone. “I’m going to have to tell people eventually.”

“But why?” Susan’s eyes were wide with tears.

“Susan,” he began patiently. “You can tell everyone we just divorced and couldn’t make it work. But I’m tired of lying, Susan. If someone asks me what’s going on with my life or if I’m dating someone, I’m not going to lie. I care about you, I really do, but I can’t lie. Not even for you.”

Susan stared at him, seemingly in disbelief. Andy watched her carefully, trying to read her face.

“How am I going to tell everyone? My friends? That I not only failed at marriage, but I lost my husband because he wasn’t attracted to me?”

“Not you,” Andy half groaned in frustration. “It’s not you Susan. You’re a beautiful woman. Every one of my guy friends envied me when we got married. You’re stunning even after having a child. You’re the mother of my child. I love you, but I’m not in love with you,” Andy whispered. “I tried. I really did try, but my attraction to men is too strong.”

Andy took a deep breath. “I’m gay Susan. I like men. Period.”

Susan’s lips pressed together. Andy could tell she was doing some thinking.

“God, Andy, I’m scared. I’m scared what my friends will think of me. Of seeing their faces when I tell them the truth. I just know they’re going to judge me. And pity me. I don’t deserve their pity!” she hissed.

Andy felt bad for his ex-wife. “I’m so sorry Susan. I wish I could make this easier for you or do something, but lying forever is not something I’m willing to do anymore. It will only destroy me and any chances of happiness. You should never have even asked me to do that.”

Tears fell from Susan’s eyes. “I know,” she mumbled sniffling. “It’s just that, it’s just so hard for me to deal with this. It’s embarrassing.”

Andy felt a flare of anger. “Lots of things in life are embarrassing Susan. We just deal with it and move on,” he snapped. “I know you’re hurting, but stop being so selfish. I’m hurting too. My life won’t be any easier. Last time I checked, being gay wasn’t easy. For the rest of my life there will be some people who look at me funny. Who are rude to me for no reason. People who don’t want to associate with me just because I like men. They’re paranoid I’ll hit on them. I’ll have to constantly watch my back, wondering if someone is going to beat me. I can never be as open as you when I date. When I kiss a guy or hug a guy or hold hands in public, I’ll get stares. I’ll get nasty comments. Not so much around here, but there are always a few bigoted people,” Andy seethed.

He stared at Susan. “It’s not any easier for me. You just have to deal with some embarrassment and some pity from your friends, who, by the way, are a little snobby. You could do without them and all their comparing. Stop worrying about what other people think, Susan! I spent fifteen years of my life worrying about other people and their opinion of me. And for what? It didn’t do me any good. I wasn’t any happier.”

Susan ran her finger along the wooden table. She was silent for a long time. Andy studied her, hoping she wasn’t shutting down.

Finally she spoke. “I do want you to be happy, Andy. Some days I think you did the right thing because our marriage hadn’t been going so well for awhile. Well, now I know the reason behind it. But the thought of continuing in that marriage where we fought and argued and had no sex life, it made me depressed.”

“Then other times I see my married friends and I remember the good times you and I had. Then I wish we could go back in time or something. I start feeling sad and missing my old life,” Susan said sadly.

“Susan,” Andy took her hand. “We’re both going to experience ups and downs. In the long run, neither of us will regret this. You will meet a man who deserves you. You’re a good person, Susan. You were a good wife. I’m sorry you ended up with me and now I’m causing you this much pain.” Andy felt an ache in his stomach. “In a way, I wish you never met me, let alone marry me. I only made you miserable.”

There was another burst of silence, equally tense.

“I promise to deal with it,” Susan said in a shaky tone. “I will tell my friends the truth. I will. I’ll try to ease it into conversation, although I’m not sure how well that will go over during dinner,” she said weakly. “I won’t make you lie anymore.”

Andy felt touched. “Thank you, Susan. Thank you so much. I don’t want you to hate me.”

Susan laughed faintly, her eyes still wet with tears. “A little angry and bitter. But never hate, Andy. Never hate.”

Andy looked down and didn’t say anything, still lost in his guilt.

“Andy?”

He looked up.

“In spite of how things turned out, I don’t regret meeting you. I don’t regret marrying you.”

Andy raised his eyebrow skeptically. “I find that hard to believe.”

“You are a good person. I can’t hate you for being scared of your sexuality. I know it is a tough road. I do have gay friends, you know,” Susan scoffed when Andy continued to eye her dubiously. “You treated me well. You’re not malicious. You never hit me. You never belittled me for not working when I had Jordan. I could have done worse in the husband department. Other than the gay thing, you were pretty perfect.” Susan got a wistful look in her eyes, before she shook her head and stared down into her coffee mug.

“Thanks a lot,” Andy said. Their eyes met and Andy smiled. Susan followed suit.

“I think I’d be a little more bummed if you decided to become a woman,” Susan said. “I mean, it would be a bigger shock.”

“I’ll always be there for you Susan. Whatever you and Jordan need, I’ll be there. I won’t abandon you.”

“That, Andy, is something I already knew. See why I don’t regret meeting you?” Susan offered a small smile. “At the end of the day, you’re still a good person. How can I ever truly hate you?”

Andy didn’t say anything. He grabbed Susan’s hand and squeezed it. Their new relationship was far from perfect and Andy didn’t know for sure if it would ever be that good again. But at least he knew they’d be able to get along and talk things through; for now, that was good enough for him.

******

“Hey, want to hang out this weekend?” Cameron asked.

Pete looked away from the computer screen and met Cameron’s eyes. “Why, what’s going on?” he asked, not wanting to commit to anything without knowing what he was getting into.

“Nothing major,” Cameron shrugged clicking on his mouse. “Just hanging out at my house with some of my friends. Videogames galore. Beers. Pizza. Just chilling. I’m getting in a rut and I’m tired of reading and writing and thinking,” he groaned.

Pete laughed.

“What do you say? Want in?”

Pete hesitated and it must have shown on his face.

“What’s with the face?”

Pete didn’t answer right away. He was hesitant to tell Cameron he was gay. What if Cameron suddenly expected sexual favors? Then again, Cameron didn’t seem like that kind of guy. He was one of the nicest people ever, and although they had grown close over the course of the semester, they had never hung out together outside of school and campus. For Pete, going to Cameron’s house felt like a big deal. Trusting Cameron beyond an acquaintance level was a big risk for him. He was scared.

“Got plans already?” Cameron pressed.

Technically Pete didn’t have plans other than work early in the morning. He had quit his waiter job a long time ago, so his nights were generally free. He had more time to spend with Andy. With Jordan visiting on weekends, the three of them usually did stuff together. He was reluctant to give up that bonding time, which was so special and important to him.

“Not exactly,” Pete hedged.

“Girlfriend is keeping you on a tight leash?” Cameron guessed sympathetically. “That’s why I broke up with my girl. Couldn’t handle her clinginess. I’m too young for that serious bullshit.”

“No, it’s not my girlfriend.” Pete stared at the computer screen, his heart pounding. He knew Cameron was still staring at him.

“Boyfriend?” Cameron shot out quietly.

Pete didn’t answer. He tensed and didn’t move. He didn’t even blink.

“Does he keep you on a tight leash, too?” Cameron’s voice was normal and was genuinely curious.

Pete turned to him and was relieved to see that Cameron’s expression had his usual expression plastered on his face; pleasant and curiously happy.

“He’s not my boyfriend. Exactly. He doesn’t keep me on a leash or whatever,” Pete blushed, feeling awkward talking about Andy.

“Right,” Cameron said. “Then how come you’re so hesitant to hang out with the guys?” His voice sounded slightly accusatory.

Pete had never told Cameron anything too personal, so Cameron didn’t know of Pete’s fear of meeting people, fear of trusting people. Pete spent so much time with Andy because he felt the safest with Andy.

“How old is your boyfriend?” Cameron asked.

“He’s not my boyfriend. He’ll be thirty-one this summer,” Pete answered.

“Wow, he’s quite a bit older than you. You’re twenty?”

“Twenty-three,” Pete corrected.

“Still a big gap,” Cameron stated.

“We get along,” Pete said. It was the truth. With Andy it was nothing about age. It was just two men getting along and feeling safe and happy with one another. But from Cameron’s point of view, it probably sounded as if Andy was some older sugar daddy that wanted to control Pete in some kind of possessive relationship.

“You should still be allowed to have fun with your friends. I know, I know, you said he doesn’t control you, but prove it. Hang out with me and my buddies this weekend,” Cameron challenged. “We’re young. Have fun. Don’t spend all your time with your man.

Pete took a breath and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. “Okay,” he agreed. Pete could do this. He could hang out like a normal college student, drink beer, play videogames without a care in the world. It was always what he wanted, what he always dreamed of, right? It was right in front of him.

And Cameron would be there. Cameron was cool and nice and wouldn’t let anything happen to him. Pete repeated this over and over again in his head as he wrote down Cameron’s address.

His little mantra did nothing to alleviate his fears. Pete was worried that fear was something he’d never be able to part with.

******

“Go Pete, have fun with your friends,” Andy said with a smile. “You need to have friends.”

“I have friends,” Pete protested.

“Yeah, but you don’t hang out enough with Angela or Michelle because they’re so busy. Seeing Angela at work doesn’t really count. You’re supposed to hang out with friends. Play video games and drink beer and stuff,” Andy explained waving his arms around. “This will be good for you.”

Pete shuffled his feet on the floor. “But then I won’t get to spend time with you and Jordan,” he said in a quiet voice.

Andy laughed and Pete looked up frowning. “Pete, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at how cute you’re being,” Andy said walking closer, still smiling. “I love spending time with you, too, but I want you to have friends and try to enjoy life. You’re young and in college. Now that you have Cameron, maybe you can do some of the things you missed out on.” Andy placed his hands on Pete’s hips, drawing Pete closer until they were hugging.

Little footsteps clambered over and both men felt a slight tugging on their pants. “Don’t forget me!” A small voice whined.

They looked down and found Jordan staring up at them, pouting, holding up his arms.

“How could we ever forget you?” Andy laughed bending down and hoisting Jordan into his arms. “Group hug!” he announced.

Pete wrapped his arms around Andy and Jordan, and snuggled really close to them. His nose poked Jordan’s cheek. Jordan giggled.

“I’ll spend time with you and Jordan over clubbing and drinking with friends any day,” Pete said seriously. “I know I always wanted to be like the other kids and just have fun, but I might not be capable of it.”

Andy looked at him questioningly.

“I don’t think I can ever be as carefree as Cameron or most people my age. It’s too late for that. I’ve been an adult since I was thirteen, trying to fend for my brother and myself. After that, everything went downhill. Even if I wanted to just party and stuff, I can’t appreciate that environment. I feel like such an outsider looking in. And I don’t like the pressure of large groups, telling me to do something,” Pete looked down at his feet. “Especially if I don’t know everyone in that group.”

“I hate being pressured,” Pete whispered. “I like a small group of close friends, ones that I can trust. I don’t want to lose control of the situation.” Pete felt something sliding across his forehead and when he looked up, Jordan’s little finger was grazing along his face.

Jordan smiled. “Don’t be sad.” He pursed his lips.

“Andy, you have the most charming son.” Pete leaned forward and cupped Jordan’s chin, squeezing gently, staring into his bright eyes. He kissed Jordan soundly, causing the small boy to laugh.

“Jordan gets all his charming skills from me,” Andy boasted.

“Don’t forget his good looks,” Pete added laughing.

“Of course. He got my dashing looks, too.” Andy played along.

Andy rubbed Pete’s back and brought them back to their original conversation. “Do whatever you’re comfortable with. I admit, I was a little crazy in college and so were my friends, but that’s not for everyone. If you really don’t want to go out with Cameron, then don’t. Tell him it’s personal and that one day you’ll explain things,” Andy shrugged.

“No, I already said I’d go. I can’t back out of it now,” Pete said in a subdued voice.

Andy frowned. “It sounds like you really don’t want to be there.” He looked concerned.

“I’ll be okay,” Pete said straightening his shoulders. “I won’t hang out long. Just socialize a bit, meet his friends. Like you said, maybe it won’t be so bad. And who knows? Maybe I will have fun. I could use some fun.”

Andy relaxed a bit. “That’s the spirit. Want me to walk with you?”

Pete laughed. “What? So you can check on Cameron and his friends?”

“No,” Andy said defensively, hugging Jordan tightly as the boy began to squirm. “Just to keep you company until you get there,” he finished. “On the long train ride. Where does he live again?”

“He’s staying at his Dad’s place. His Mom lives in Williamsburg. His Dad lives in the financial district. Something Gold Street,” Pete said trying to remember the exact address. Pete studied Andy’s face. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I can’t help it.”

“I know. That’s what’s so great about you. Thanks,” Pete said sincerely. He leaned forward and kissed Andy softly, lingering on his lips, enjoying the softness and fullness of Andy’s mouth. Andy hummed and opened his mouth slightly, sucking and pulling on Pete’s lips ever so gently. Pete sighed. He could stay there all day just kissing Andy.

A high-pitched giggle broke them apart. They had briefly forgotten about Jordan.

Pete smacked a loud exaggerated kiss on Jordan’s lips. “You get one, too.”

Jordan smiled happily, looking pleased.

“See you cuties later,” Pete called out as he left.

******

“I remember you now,” Rob breathed onto Pete’s face, beer and onion dip evident on his breath.

Pete backed up as far as he could, but there was nowhere else to go. He was up against the wall, his back arched all the way. His chest moved up and down rapidly. He searched for something to say. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Pete said.

Rob smiled. His teeth were remarkably white and nice looking, but to Pete, Rob looked predatory. Pete he felt a stab of fear in his stomach. He braced himself.

“It’s been bugging me all afternoon, ever since I got here. As soon as I laid eyes on you, something was familiar about that face of yours,” Rob went on in a soft tone.

“I don’t know you, man,” Pete repeated. The truth was, Rob looked familiar to him too, but Pete honestly couldn’t place him. In fact, as soon as Rob had arrived, Pete felt uncomfortable and tense, especially with the intense stare Rob directed his way. “Never seen you before.” He swallowed hard. Rob caught the action and grinned mockingly.

“You’re lying,” Rob whispered. “You seem scared, Pete.”

For a split second Pete wanted to cry. He wished he hadn’t come here. He was angry at Cameron for pressuring him, for even inviting this Rob guy.

Initially Pete had been having a good time playing videogames, especially when a few of Cameron’s friends got competitive. There were yells and cheers and groans. Pete had thought that making friends and opening himself up wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Most of Cameron’s friends were just like Cameron. Really cheerful and happy. Some were sarcastic, but in a funny way. They all seemed to welcome Pete and were genuinely interested in talking to him. Pete was like a kid again, trying to make friends and happy that people were accepting him.

Then Rob had walked in. One look at him and Pete had felt a shiver travel through his body and his fingers clenched the couch. When Rob’s dark eyes roamed over him and a smirk formed on the man’s lips, Pete had wanted to run home to Andy where he’d be safe again.

“You followed me into the bathroom. Of course that freaks me out a bit,” Pete mumbled avoiding eye contact.

He suddenly felt powerless. He felt as if he was thirteen again, waiting for something to happen to him, waiting for an order, an order that he couldn’t refuse.

“Pete,” Rob repeated his name thoughtfully, his arms now on either side of Pete’s face, trapping Pete. “My friend had a roommate named Pete. Yeah, this Pete was a young guy. No family, no friends, he was new to the city. Skinny, pale, dark hair, dark eyes. A wonderful mouth,” Rob sneered looking at Pete’s trembling lips.

“Supposedly this roommate of his would trade blowjobs for money. Or rent. Not sure if my friend ever got to fuck him though,” Rob went on. “Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.”

Pete’s eyes widened. He suddenly knew why Rob looked familiar. Pete’s stomach turned as he saw himself on his knees, with Rob moaning in pleasure, fingers pushing Pete’s head down. Pete gagged at the memory. He turned his face away.

Rob smiled, his teeth baring. “Then one day this roommate just left and never came back. But I think his name was Pete. And if I remember correctly--and I have an awesome memory--he bears an uncanny resemblance to you.”

Tears filled Pete’s eyes. In the background he heard a loud cheer and muffled groans from the living room where the guys were still playing their games. “Please,” Pete whispered. “Can I go? Please.”

Rob laughed. “I remember those tears. You’re definitely that guy. Do you remember me?” he taunted. Then he chuckled. “Probably not. Your, uh, head was at a different angle than my face, right? Or maybe you sucked one too many and the faces started to blend together.” Rob snorted, his hands sliding down the wall.

Pete swallowed a sob and tried to edge away from the wall and maneuver around Rob. Quickly Rob pushed him against the wall. “Where you going Pete?”

Pete didn’t say anything; he bit his lip, afraid he’d start crying if he said anything.

“Want to help me out?” Rob leaned forward. Pete felt Rob’s erection digging into his abdomen. Pete sucked in a breath.

Rob started touching Pete’s face. Pete instantly slapped Rob’s hand away. Rob’s nostrils flared and he thrust his forearm against Pete’s neck, while his other hand slammed Pete’s wrist against the wall. Pete’s eyes squeezed shut in pain, but he couldn’t cry out because Rob’s forearm was choking him.

“You want it rough?” Rob hissed. “You like it rough, little bitch?” He applied more pressure to Pete’s neck. Pete’s eyes bulged out and his mouth opened desperately. Rob laughed. “How much are you charging these days? Inflation?” He barked at his own joke, releasing Pete.

Pete collapsed onto the ground, gasping for air. He heard the distinct sound of a belt being unbuckled and a zipper being pulled on. He stomach filled with dread.

“Just like the good old days, huh Petey boy?” Rob sneered. “On your knees, waiting to service a real man. Right faggot?”

Pete shook in fear, still crouched on the tiled floor, his hands feeling numb.

“Go on, take it out,” Rob said in a menacing tone. “You know you want it. Be a good little boy and take it out. Come on. Do it. Be a good boy.”

Pete blinked and frowned; he swore he had heard his mother’s voice telling him to help his family. ‘Be a good boy. I need you to be a good boy and help your family. And you like it, anyway, right?’ His mother’s cruel laughter rang in his ears, making his head pound.

His head shot up as Rob’s fist closed around a chunk of Pete’s hair, yanking his face up so that it was level with Rob’s crotch. Pete stared at Rob’s cock, poking out through his boxers, the tip wet with precum.

“Come on, be a good boy and take it out. Lick it,” Rob ordered quietly.

His mind was telling him to shove Rob away, to make a run for it. His mind was telling him to scream for help. Someone in the other room would hear him. Pete knew what he should do, but his body wouldn’t cooperate.

Still frozen on the ground, on his knees, staring at Rob’s angry cock, Pete reached forward with shaking hands and tears in his eyes. ‘Be a good boy, Pete. Be a good boy and help your family. You like it.’