No Fairytale World - 2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

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“So does everyone know?” Mark asked.

“Is this a lame attempt to ease my nerves?” Andy asked sarcastically sipping his coffee. “It’s really not working.”

“I’m just curious. I also figured it wouldn’t hurt for you to talk to someone that isn’t involved in the whole mess. You know, someone you can talk freely with.”

“How come you’re so cool with this?” Andy wondered curiously.

“Because why would I care whether or not you’re gay?” Mark snorted. “It’s your business and that doesn’t change how good a friend you have been all these years. I mean, yeah, sure it was a shock, but you get over it and things move back to normal.”

Andy smiled ruefully. “If only things were that simple.”

“They are that simple,” Mark shrugged. “Unfortunately, most people usually don’t deal well with change. I do though. I take everything in stride,” he grinned. “And from your parents’ point of view and your wife’s, well, they had this grand plan for the future. And now that it’s all messed up, it’s hard to just let go.”

Andy stared at him.

“I know what I’m talking about. I was a psych major in college,” Mark explained.

Andy smiled. “Thanks. I feel reassured now in your assessment skills.”

“So answer the question; does everyone know?”

“Pretty much,” Andy said. “My parents, Susan, her parents. Oh wait, not all of my friends know. I don’t know if Susan has told everyone. I’m guessing she didn’t; it would be kind of embarrassing for her too. As for my other friends, well, it’s kind of awkward calling them and telling them the news. It’s kind of out of nowhere.”

Mark smiled. “It would be one damn funny phone conversation though! ‘Hey dude, guess what I did today? I came out! No seriously, I did!’” he slapped his knee laughing loudly, drawing attention from other people at Starbucks.

Andy couldn’t help snorting. “You know, you’re mocking my pain.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Mark said although he still had a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Eventually I’ll tell everyone, but this is all too much to process at once,” Andy said a bit sadly, looking into his coffee cup. “I have trouble talking to my parents. Susan doesn’t say a word to me. I see my son on weekends only. Every time I drop him off, my heart breaks. Sometimes I think I’m just one big fuck up and that I made a huge mistake.”

“So lying to yourself is better?” Mark asked gently.

“I think so,” Andy said, his throat closing up slightly as he started feeling a bit emotional.

“I don’t think so.”

Andy looked up at his friend.

“Think about it,” Mark said leaning forward. “If you spend the next few years lying to yourself and to everyone you love, you’ll be miserable. You could fake happiness maybe, for a while, but not for too long. Then you would make Susan unhappy, fighting and snapping at her. Then Jordan will grow up in a shitty home with two parents constantly arguing.”

“Trust me, you’ll be a better person and a better father if you’re happy.”

“Wow, you really were a psych major,” Andy said weakly.

Mark chuckled. “I don’t lie, my friend. Everything I have said is true, Andy. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you did the right thing. You really did. Once all this bullshit fades, you can start to live your real life.”

“You really believe things will get better?”

“I do.”

“How do you know?”

“Because things are already looking up,” Mark grinned. Andy looked at him questioningly. “You have a place to stay, rent free. You’re going on a very promising job interview, and you have free therapy.” Mark sat back looking very pleased with himself.

“What more could you ask for?” Mark held up his hands in a questioning manner. “Angles man. It’s all about angles.”

“Huh?”

“Depends on what angle you’re looking at it from. Think about it; if it wasn’t for me, you would be living with your parents: they’d be making you even more miserable.”

“Or if you came out when you were younger, you’d might have been kicked out of your house or disowned or…”

“I got it,” Andy said abruptly. He stared at Mark’s smiling face. “God, you’re such a happy fucker,” Andy said good-naturedly.

“I do my best. And please, you need me. I cheer you up. Don’t bother denying it.”

Andy rolled his eyes and drained the remaining drops of his coffee. “How do you know this interview will be promising?” he asked returning to their original conversation.

“Because they need someone desperately and they will even take a retarded person,” Mark replied.

Andy shot him a dirty look. “Thanks a lot.”

“No, man. I’m serious. This is a non-profit organization for retarded people. I think autism. We even have a few autistic workers, but they’re the ones that can function pretty well.

“That’s not politically correct,” Andy pointed out.

Mark shrugged. “You’ll get the job. At least you’re mentally normal. Well, most days.” He grinned, his eyes sparkling with laughter.

Mark ducked as Andy chucked his empty coffee cup at him.

******

“I got a job,” Andy announced. He rubbed his hands on the table and avoided his parent’s eyes. The meal was tense and awkward. He was having trouble maintaining eye contact.

“So soon?” his mother asked. Risking a glance at them, he saw that his father seemed equally surprised. “It’s just that with the recession and economy, I didn’t expect it would be so soon.”

“My friend helped me. He knew someone,” Andy shrugged.

There was silence. His mother and father exchanged a look.

A bad feeling made its way to his stomach. “What?”

“What?”

“What was that look?” he pressed. “I saw it,” he said firmly as his parents continued to remain silent.

“Is your friend,” his mother hesitated. “Is he…”

“Is he what?”

“Is he…”

“Mom,” he sighed in exasperation.

“Is your friend like you?”

“Like me?” he responded dumbly, although he had an idea what they were asking. He wanted to see them squirm.

He was delighted when they had looked uneasy.

“Um, is he, well, is he umm, a homosexual?”

Andy resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “No, Mom. It’s not like everyone I socialize with is gay,” he emphasized. “And no, I wasn’t influenced by anyone.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve felt this way for a long time, since I was much younger. Back then I wasn’t ready to accept it or deal with it. It was so much easier to just be normal, to be what you wanted.”

“But stop saying or thinking this was a choice, or someone turned me this way, ok?” Andy finished in a strong voice.

His parents had the grace to look embarrassed.

“Mark is someone I used to work with. He has been really supportive. I can go to him for help and not feel like such a freak,” he muttered.

“You can come to us,” his mother said sounding hurt. Andy looked up and met her eyes.

“No. No, I can’t,” he said quietly. “You two make me feel bad about myself.”

“Andy…”

“No, you do. I know you don’t mean to, but this tension, the elephant in the room, it makes me hate myself.” His voice rose. “It means you don’t support me. You wish I wasn’t the way I am. You wish I hadn’t come out. You wish I hadn’t told the truth. You wish…” he lost his breath.

His parents looked wide-eyed.

“Do you wish I hadn’t come out?” Andy finally asked.

“We want you to be happy,” his mother said after a prolonged pause.

Andy’s eyes were full of suppressed anger. “You want me to still be married to Susan,” he accused.

She looked like she was at a loss for words and continued to stare at Andy.

“Admit it; it would be easier. Once everyone finds out, all your friends and relatives, you’ll be so embarrassed. Imagine how much easier it would be if…”

“Yes!” his mother shouted suddenly, slamming her hands on the table. It was so loud that he and his father both jumped up off their chairs. “Yes, yes, it would be easier! Yes, it’s hard to tell people that you’re this way after all these years! You are married, for heaven’s sake! You have a son! How can you be this way?” She looked crazed.

She reminded him of his nightmare, her normally soft features looking slightly demonic. Andy felt queasy.

Then his anger came back.

“I just am this way!” he responded standing up. “I can’t help it. I can’t help my feelings. Just like you’re attracted to men, to Dad. It is what it is! I tried Mom. I really tried to be normal, but it just didn’t work, ok? I failed. I fucking failed!” Andy yelled. “I couldn’t live this lie anymore!”

“You think I wanted this? You think I wanted my life fucked up? You think I wanted to lose my good paying job in exchange for this pathetic shit? You think I want to live in a friend’s home, seeing my son only on weekends. I do care for Susan and she won’t even talk to me. None of this is easy for me. And the looks and the talking…” he gasped. He was starting to feel faint. He leaned over the table, clutching his chest.

“This isn’t all about you, you know,” Andy said resentfully. “You worry how you’ll look in front of people. Imagine how I feel? I caused this mess. I live with it every fucking day! Every time I pick up Jordan and drop him off, I’m reminded of what I have done. Of the mistakes I’ve made.”

Andy’s hands were shaking. “I have lost everything,” he said in a controlled tone. “I was so unhappy. And, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted to be happy.” He looked up with tears in his eyes. “So I risked everything that I had…and I lost it.”

There was silence. His mother and father looked stunned.

“Andy, why didn’t you just,” his father struggled with the words. “Why didn’t you just say something sooner? Why did you marry Susan?” His father appeared genuinely curious and concerned.

“I thought it would go away,” Andy said tearfully, sinking back down into his seat. “I thought that over time, with Susan and with Jordan in my life, I could focus on them and I wouldn’t have feelings for…” he trailed off.

His father appeared uncomfortable, knowing exactly how Andy was going to finish that sentence. “Andy…”

“This is a lot for me to handle and deal with,” Andy said in defeat. “It would be a lot easier if you supported me.”

“We do,” his father insisted.

“No,” Andy looked up. “You’re trying to be supportive; it means you’re trying to accept me.”

“It’s not that…”

“But you’re just like everyone else,” Andy continued. “I can see it in your eyes.”

He grabbed his coat and left the house, not bothering to listen to their response.

******

“I’m sorry about this, man.”

“Nah, it’s cool,” Andy said dismissively. “I’m not in a position to argue anyway. This is your home.”

“I know, but you need your peace and space,” Mark began. “It’s just that Michelle is a hardcore do-gooder and she befriended this guy.”

“Some guy?” Andy raised his eyebrows.

Mark rolled his eyes. “She’s completely faithful to me, ass-wipe. But she is friends with this guy and he’s in a rough situation and needs a place to stay. She begged me to help her out. I couldn’t say no to her since…”

“You’re in love with her and totally whipped,” Andy finished.

Mark good-naturedly shoved Andy and laughed. “I cannot lie, my friend. It’s the sad truth.” He hung his head. Peeking at Andy, he smiled. “So, it’s okay?”

“Sure, I dealt with roommates in college. It’s never a picnic living with someone else, but I’ll handle it. I have so much going on in my life right now; I stick to myself, in my room. It shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Great,” Mark sighed in relief. Andy was touched that his friend was so worried about his feelings.

“What’s the story with this guy anyway?”

“I don’t know,” Mark shrugged. “I don’t know that much actually. Michelle doesn’t believe in gossiping or disclosing other people’s business. She says it’s his story to tell and all that bullshit.”

Andy grinned. “That’s actually a good thing.”

“I know, but I’m curious. I wanna know,” Mark whined.

“Have you met him before?”

“Yeah,” Mark said hesitantly.

“What? He weird or something?” Andy asked suddenly on alert.

“I just talked to him briefly. Once. He works at a Starbucks and is also a waiter. A student, too, I think. He’s not originally from the city, though,” Mark said tilting his head in thought. “But he was closed off and a bit of an asshole.”

“Great,” Andy groaned. “An asshole!”

“Maybe it was just me, but he didn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor. He was sarcastic and not in a funny way. A little mean. He looked all dark and moody. You know, one of those people, with a chip on their shoulder. I have no idea how my Michelle is friends with him. You’ve met her. She’s a hyper bunny.”

“Fantastic.”

“Look,” Mark consoled. “If it doesn’t work out, I’ll tell Michelle I tried?”

“No,” Andy sighed. “We don’t know this kid’s situation and he really needs a place to stay. I think I can manage. Besides, you only met him once. How bad can he be?”

“That’s the spirit,” Mark encouraged. “How bad can he be?”

******

Andy was wrong; it was a total nightmare.

“What’s your problem?” Andy spat out.

“Don’t have one. You’re the one bitching about nothing,” the young guy answered, his eyes dark and emotional, his jaw clenched, and his posture tensed as if preparing for a fight.

“You’re the biggest dick ever,” Andy snarled advancing on the shorter guy. “You don’t talk, you don’t answer questions, and you leave your shit all over the place.”

“I don’t talk because I have nothing to say to you,” the guy replied folding his arms.

“Peter, is it?” Andy snapped sarcastically. “I’m not in the best of moods these days and I’m this close to kicking your fucking ass.” His fists curled in anticipation. He wanted to punch this guy. He wanted the guy to say something that would piss him off. He just wanted to hit something.

“It’s Pete,” he hissed, his eyes narrowing. “And just try it.” His lip curled in a nasty sneer. “I’m stronger than I look, blondie,” Pete taunted, looking him over dismissively. As if to prove his point, he stood up straighter.

Andy scanned Pete up and down. Pete was a couple inches shorter than his 6’1. While Pete had obvious muscle tone, he was also more on the lean and slender side that came with youth. Andy had a naturally broader, muscular frame.

Not to mention Andy had a lot of anger and stress to work off. He ran as often as possible. He also did a lot of arms’ and abs’ workouts whenever he felt lonely, which was basically all the time.

That was the only upside to this shitty mess that was Andy’s life; he would have one hell of a ripped body when it was time for him to bag a man. Andy shouldn’t have any problems in the looks department. Well, hopefully not. However, he did have a lot of emotional baggage.

“I know your type,” Pete whispered breaking into Andy’s thoughts, causing Andy’s eyes to snap back up to Pete’s dark ones.

“Huh?” Andy asked, caught off guard.

A small smile made its way to Pete’s lips. “You’re that guy that everyone hates but pretends to love. The guy that has it all and everything comes so easily. Little fucking golden boy, huh? You get what you want, when you want, and you’re overly confident. But that just makes your fall that much harder, right?” Pete asked a nasty glint in his eyes.

Pete laughed under his breath. He whispered, “You’ve fallen, huh? I can see it.”

Andy gaped at him, his mouth hanging open slightly. What the fuck was up with this guy?

“Well news-flash, we all have problems, not just you, pretty boy,” Pete shot at him. “So stay out of my face and get over yourself.” With that, he walked around Andy and went into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Andy was left alone, staring at the spot Pete had just occupied. “What the fuck just happened?” he asked himself.

******

“He’s crazy,” Andy announced.

“What do you mean?” Mark asked with his mouth full.

“He’s a fucking psycho,” Andy repeated. “He doesn’t talk. I have no idea whether he is sarcastic or funny or whatever. And mean? Yeah, creepy is more like it. He talks all dark and threatening. He’s the rudest fucker ever and the biggest slob. I’m afraid to have Jordan over with him around.”

“He can’t be that bad,” Mark reasoned. “He wasn’t as bad as you’re describing when I met him. He did talk and wasn’t that rude.”

Andy noticed his friend’s smirk and bit his lip. “He is a total nutcase. Jordan’s coming over Friday night. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Well, it seems that Pete pretty much sticks to himself, right?” Mark reminded. “If he’s out or in his room and doesn’t talk, then it shouldn’t be an issue. Jordan might not even see him.”

“True,” Andy agreed. He glanced at his friend. “I hate you.”

Mark grinned. “You two needed a place to live. Beggars can’t be choosers. It’s almost ironic that you two are stuck together, don’t you think?”

Andy stared at him.

“Both homeless, both can’t stand one another…fuck, stop throwing stuff at me!” Mark cried out as he ducked away from Andy’s remaining sandwich.

******

Andy and Jordan were dancing; he cuddled his small son tightly in his arms and hopped around the living room, dipping Jordan occasionally. Jordan giggled, clutching Andy’s neck tightly.

“Ooh, Daddy’s tired now,” Andy said nuzzling Jordan’s soft skin. Jordan squirmed and Andy plopped him on the couch. “I’m going to take a quick shower and then start dinner, ok?”

He had picked up Jordan directly after work and was looking forward to unwinding and spending quality time with his son.

“Ok!” Jordan sang out cheerfully, swinging his legs against the couch.

Andy smiled and mussed Jordan’s hair, cupping his little chin. “Be good and stay right here on this couch. Don’t move.”

Jordan nodded. “I not move from here. I promise.”

“Thanks, darling,” Andy chuckled heading to the bathroom. Although he would have liked to have taken a long hot shower, he opted for a speedy one since Jordan was waiting for him.

These days he was feeling better despite the fact that he hadn’t spoken to his parents lately and Susan still refused to exchange words with him face-to-face. Having a new job and living alone, away from everyone, was doing wonders for him. Except for his new roommate. That left a sour taste in his mouth. His solution: just ignore the guy.

Drying off quickly, he threw on some sweats and headed into the living room. “Hey Jordan, I was thinking mac and cheese or nachos, or grilled cheese sandwiches with soup. What do you feel li…” his words died on his lips when he saw the scene in front of him.

Jordan and Pete were on the living room floor, playing some board game. Neither noticed Andy’s approach. Jordan threw his hands in the air and let out a gleeful cry. “I win!”

“No, you didn’t! You cheated,” Pete protested lightly, letting out a giggle as he poked Jordan’s stomach.

Andy’s eyes bulged out of his head. He closed them and reopened them, before rubbing them.

“I not cheat!” Jordan exclaimed sitting up and putting his hands on his hips indignantly.

“Is that so?” Pete asked. “You’re a good, honest boy?”

Jordan nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, I a good boy.”

“How old are you, Jordan?” Pete asked smiling.

“I four years old,” Jordan answered bouncing up and down, holding up four fingers.

“You happy, Jordan?” Pete asked, tilting his head with a thoughtful expression.

“Yes.”

“Always?” Pete pressed.

“Yes,” Jordan replied, then scrunched his little face. “Except when my Daddy not home. I misses him. A lot. And Mommy sad and cries. A lot.”

Andy was hit with a wave of guilt and he clutched his stomach.

“Things will get better,” Pete said, running his fingers through Jordan’s hair.

“How you know?” Jordan questioned curiously.

Andy waited for Pete’s answer.

Pete sighed heavily. “You know what, little one? I really don’t know. I just don’t know anything. I’m still waiting for things to get better, so who am I to give you advice?”

“I don’t know,” Jordan said, shrugging adorably, his eyes wide with curiosity.

Andy was surprised when Pete wrapped Jordan in a hug, burying his face in the child’s neck. He was about to intervene when he noticed the look on Pete’s face.

Sadness.

Pete’s normally angry features looked softer. His high cheekbones didn’t look so sharp. His narrow eyes, normally filled with bitterness, were now blank as if he was in a different place. His shoulders were curved in defeat, as if bad memories were plaguing him.

“Hey guys,” Andy said softly.

“Hi Daddy!”

Pete looked up and their eyes met. Their stare lingered. “Hey Andy,” Pete said quietly. It was the first time he had ever spoken to Andy without animosity.

Andy cleared his throat. “I’m going to make dinner for me and Jordan. You want to join us?”

He had no idea why he was asking, but there was something about Pete and the way he looked just then; so vulnerable, so young, so broken. It was then that Andy realized he didn’t know anything about Pete, his story or why he acted the way he did.

“That depends,” Pete said. Then something miraculous happened; he smiled, not a full blown, teeth-flashing smile, but a smile nonetheless. “What are you making?”

Andy laughed. “That depends on what Jordan wants. Jordan?”

“I don’t know,” came the small voice as Jordan clung to Pete’s neck.

“Nachos?” Andy suggested.

“Yeah!” Jordan cried out.

“That’s not healthy,” Pete said.

Andy shot him a weird look. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-two.”

“And you worry about health? You have a few years before that has to happen,” Andy said snorting. “You’re young.”

Pete shot him an odd look. “How old are you?”

“How old do I look?”

Pete studied him, doing a long up-and-down scan, slowly, taking in every inch of Andy’s appearance. Andy couldn’t help blushing. “Twenty-six?” Pete finally threw out.

“I’m thirty. But thanks for the compliment,” Andy smiled. “Anyway, health-nut-freak, nachos aren’t that bad. I make them good.”

“Oh yeah, how so?”

“Tomatoes, onions, beans, guacamole, low-fat sour cream, low-fat cheese, and olives. That way we get some health benefits, like good fats and all that stuff. I have to watch it as I get older.” Andy patted his flat stomach and Pete rolled his eyes.

“You two want to help me make it?” Andy asked. “It will be faster.”

Pete nodded and stood up, still holding Jordan. Andy led the way into the kitchen and almost didn’t hear Pete’s next words for they were spoken softly.

“Thank you.”

Andy turned his head and their eyes met once again. “You’re welcome.”

Thanks Frances for editing! And a special thanks to my beta-readers.