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Life At Ours


MichaelS36

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I've wondered for a while if I should talk about things going on in my, our, lives.  I'm not much in the way of an attention seeker. I've always found being who I am attracts enough attention without me seeking it. 

I returned to school last year, I'm nearly done the first part of the course I'm taking: cybersecurity.  It's in line with what I used to do, and what interests me and what I know can contribute. I'll look for a job in that field once I'm done, but I know there will be more schooling to come, likely at night school or distance. I then hope tim can reduce his hours or quit altogether if he wishes. 

tim's job is extremely stressful. Enough that a month or so ago he attempted to end his life. There was blood and hospital for a week. On my part fear and profound sadness. I was asleep at the time this happened and if it hadn't been for our other partner, Dan, tim likely would not be with us.  Dan woke and noticed tim wasn't in bed and he got up to investigate. I slept through it all until Dan had bound tim's wounds, called the paramedics and at that point he woke me up.

I think about that. Too much and too often. I wonder if I did so purposely and that thought feeds the sucking guilt in my soul. 

My more sensible side tells me, you were asleep because you don't sleep enough, you have a chronic disease, you're going to school and you're dealing with your father who has cancer. I try to believe this voice. Dan tells me the same things, as does my therapist.

Dan's been with us for a while now. He's a good fit and we have a good time together. He makes my life much easier, as he's home, while I'm at school, so tim isn't alone.  More than all of that he's my friend. 

I hope when I'm working again, that tim will at the very least reduce his hours. Maybe he'll find a way to write and publish again. he says its because he doesn't have an editor, but I'm not so sure about that. I'd like him to have more leisure time, write, volunteer, sleep more, exercise, visit ... whatever he'd like as long as it doesn't involve trying to keep customer's happy. he is very good at his job, but it's taking a toll. 

I saw a guy on tv last night. He'd been a cop for 17 years, and doing what I'd done for a part of that time. He worked trying to track pedophiles, he worked to help save kids. It's a necessary job but it takes its own toll. He went home one night.. and sat down.. and could not move. He was having a very real breakdown. I was lucky to have left before that happened to me. He had to retire and deal with the never ending nightmares. They are part of the reason I don't like to sleep too early so when I finally sleep I don't remember dreams. 

Even with all of this .. all of what could be, I'm hopeful that tim will fight back and choose life, I'm hopeful I'll be able to give him and us the life we want and deserve.   

As I read this over I ask myself why I'm writing this. I don't know really .. better out than in?  Maybe someone out there needs to read it? Don't know. 

But here it is. 

 

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:hug: :hug: :hug: 

You’re good and conscientious man, Mike. The love and care you have for tim’s well-being is out there for all to see every time you “speak”. 

Thank you for sharing this with us all. We’ll always be here to listen, because that’s what friends do for one another. :) 

PS: Good luck with your studies and future endeavours! 

Edited by Reader1810
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On 4/1/2023 at 9:02 AM, Mikiesboy said:

It is hard for those who love us.

The hardest thing is not being able to talk about it. i needed to talk about it. Not just to my shrink. But some people don't want to hear, i think because they think they need to fix it or offer suggestions.  You don't, you just need to be there.

No one can fix me but me, but to do that, i need all the support i can get.

We say, 'really, support is all you can offer', but that support is priceless.

Sometimes, the best thing you can say is to say nothing. Just be there and listen -- truly listen -- without judgement or pity.

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On 3/31/2023 at 11:12 PM, Wayne Gray said:

Because it wasn't your fault. It wasn't tim's either. It happened through stress and chemistry, and it's a trial - one you're all getting through together.

No, it wasn't my fault or anyone's ... it was just the nature of the beast and my reaction was pretty normal.  Like everything, it gets easier with time. 

Thanks, Wayne. Your friendship and support is appreciated very much. 

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On 4/1/2023 at 12:30 AM, Reader1810 said:

:hug: :hug: :hug: 

You’re good and conscientious man, Mike. The love and care you have for tim’s well-being is out there for all to see every time you “speak”. 

Thank you for sharing this with us all. We’ll always be here to listen, because that’s what friends do for one another. :) 

PS: Good luck with your studies and future endeavours! 

Thank you, Reader.  you've always been a dear and generous friend. I'm grateful for that. 

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On 4/1/2023 at 12:43 AM, kbois said:

admire the strength you have. Enduring a loved one's attempt at self-harm take a mental and emotional toll that comes with a high price. 

Thank you. You know well of all of this. It's difficult to get through, but leaning on friends is so important. And we have to remember that while we support our loved ones who have mental illness, we cannot cure them, and we need to look after ourselves. 

Honesty, self care, open and talk ... using those tools life is slowly getting better for us all. 

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On 4/1/2023 at 8:23 AM, Fae Briona said:

Not sure what to say, other than sending thoughts of love, and that my heart hurts for all of you.  I'm glad the two of you found your third, and that it is working out.

Anxiety and depression are insidious things. It's so hard to fight against your own mind.

You're so right in all you say, Fae. Dan is a great guy. He's very insightful, open and honest, I'm glad he's here for a lot of reasons. 

Thanks for your support and insight. 

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On 4/1/2023 at 9:00 AM, Mikiesboy said:

It's a weird feeling, being afraid of yourself. You and Dan have made it so I'm safe.

I hope you feel safe, boy. Safe and loved. 

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On 4/1/2023 at 8:00 AM, Mikiesboy said:

It's a weird feeling, being afraid of yourself

I felt that so deeply, there's been times I get so incredibly angry or so down and it scares me the things that go through my head....I hope things turn around and get better for you.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, sending you a HUGE 

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11 hours ago, 1brokNangel said:

I felt that so deeply, there's been times I get so incredibly angry or so down and it scares me the things that go through my head....I hope things turn around and get better for you.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, sending you a HUGE 

i'm doing okay. i hope you are too ... you know you can always reach out to me or Michael .. or others in the DiC if you need to be heard ... people will listen if it helps   But yes, not being able to trust yourself/being afraid of yourself, is so hard and knowing that others can't trust you for your own safety, is weird too.  i think our lifestyle helps me because I'm used to putting myself in other's hands. So, when Michael and Dan say, no knives without one of us there, it's easier for me to accept. Easier but still hard.

Anyway, I'm seeing the shrink, listening to Michael and Dan.  Hanging in there.  You keep hanging in there too xoxxo

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