A look back at the past year
I thought today would be a good time to look at the past year.
I came out to my parents exactly a year ago. So, even though I had previously come out to a handful of friends (including my future wife) in 1995, I take this date as a major step towards switching from the straight lifestyle I had maintained up to that point.
Overall this new episode in my personal life feels quite good. By this, I mean that I am happy with how I have changed over the past year and a half, acknowledging the gay side which I had kept in the closet for so long, meeting other gay people, enjoying the GA stories and community, etc. One of my close co-workers is a lesbian and I get to talk freely with her, which helps anchor my feelings into reality instead of having them contained to the virtual world. I can speak freely with my siblings as well; they are very understanding. Over the past year I also experimented with the ups and downs of gay dating. I had crushes on a few guys, again with some good and some bad experiences.
But to be honest, most of my gay life is not in plain sight. Those I'm not yet out to (most of my workmates, more distant family members and friends) still see me as a widower who will soon find another woman and raise a family. So far, there was nothing that really called for an explanation of my love life, but that may change in the near future.
I have tried to come out to the closest people in my life but it hasn't always been easy: some close friends live far away and it's an issue I'd rather discuss face-to-face. When I saw one of my best friends recently, his young daughter was around all the time and it didn't feel proper to come out in front of her. A similar missed opportunity with another friend, who is quite gay-friendly, also left me disappointed. Sometimes, it really gnaws at me that I still have to lie about it. On Friday, one of the secretaries at work was asking about my upcoming vacation, and she went "Oh, they have very beautiful girls, there, you know...". I really had to bite my tongue not to spell things out for her. But it's a bit premature, especially since I've fallen in love with someone I have yet to meet in real life. And we are not close neighbours, to say the least.
The most moving change happened quite recently when my parents came up from the country to visit me. They know there is a new significant person in my life now, not because I told them as much, but because of some decisions I've taken which can only be explained by it. So when my mum saw a framed picture of John next to my computer and asked, in a soft tone, "Is that your boyfriend?", I could only nod and say "uh huh". Of course, I had put the picture there for them to see. But that the term "boyfriend" would come from her first, and not from me, I had not expected... and even though the conversation that ensued did not much go into details, it warmed my heart.
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