I grow older all the time. With age is suppose to come wisdom, but I guess sometimes I can't get out of my own way. In some respects i will all always be the child looking for acceptance from my parent.

I have lived my own life for a long a time. I've had relationships, apartments, and moved to another state mainly to get away from my father. My life was thrown into a tailspin when my mother died. It was painful to return home to deal with all the things that happen when you lose a parent. I also found out where I stand with my sibling. After the funeral I promised myself that I would do as my brother wanted, never return home again.

Of course I am also human. My brother lives with his wife midway across the country. I was a three hour drive from my parent's home. Eventually you get the calls you don't want to hear. "Since you mother died I am not in the best of health," and "I wish I had someone here to help me." Guilt plays havoc with you no matter if you are 18 or 88. While my father and I are like gasoline and fire, I gave up my freedom, my apartment, and the close friendships I had fostered and returned home. In a little over a year now I have been doing my best to still find approval.

Knowing my father has a huge interest in our heritage, i took him to the Westbury Gardens for the Scottish Festival last year. While we enjoyed it, he cut it short because he couldn't walk like he use to and got tired a little over an hour after arriving. So you get the idea, to get to Westbury from my home is just over an hour drive. He asked if we could do this again because he enjoyed the Father/Son time. I agreed to make sure I would have the time off this year to go again.

Fast forward to now. I have arranged to have the day off on Saturday to take him again. For the last month it is the one thing I have been looking forward to. Guess what, the quiet day of going out to the Festival, me finding the damn restaurant he has been wanting to go to, and making sure everything is ready just went out the window. Now it is no longer a Father/Son day. Without telling me he has invited my brother's friend, his son, and now they are bringing a guest. Now if he gets tired i can't simply get him to the car and go home because we aren't going alone. In fact I was informed I wouldn't even be driving. We would be guests on the only outing we would really be doing this year together. We will not be going to the restaurant he wanted to go to, and the surprise reservations I have made now have to be cancelled. Add to this mess the fact that, oh yeah, Saturday evening we are suppose to have Hurricane Irene arrive. I guess I am just stupid. I need to learn that no matter what I want, I don't matter. So why do I keep doing this to myself? I sure as hell don't know.