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Remembering Tim In A Bipolar Sort Of Way

CarlHoliday

Entry posted by CarlHoliday

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Finally, I threw caution to the wind and ended up speaking with my psychiatrist this morning about how I'm feeling, which, basically, I'm not, feeling that is. It boils down to my choice. Do I want to wait and see if I get used to the new medication levels and hope for an easing of the mental dullness I'm experiencing? Or, do I want to go back to the way it was and be mentally unstable, but be more creative? The only serious problem with mental instability is the risk of suicide goes up significantly, not that I think I would do that, but having lived with this for as many years as I have, the risk of a spur of the moment action is always there.

 

Right now one mile from me is a major cross-state highway, a major interstate railway, and a major river, all potential sources of demise. Death by semi, bus, locomotive, or drowning/hypothermia can be assured simply by getting in my car and driving down to the highway. The only risk to semi, bus, or locomotive is not actually doing enough damage to cause death, but doing enough damage to cause irreparable harm and ending up in a nursing home with a tube down my nose providing nourishment and diapers collecting bodily wastes. Drowning/hypothermia is fairly certain, except I have a phobia about water, especially water that is deep and scary.

 

I've decided to go back and tackle Remembering Tim. I have thirteen chapters of revised material and seven chapters of old material that doesn't meld at the junction so I'll have to figure out a way to splice them together. I know it will be easier to do if I go back on my meds, but do I want to do that? I need to have a resolution on Tim. There are a lot of things that can and should be done to bring this story to fruition. Like Schticky and Pastel Cowboy, Tim is a favorite story and comes from a period when I believe I was a my peak of creative abilities. Of course, if I do finish Tim, then I'll probably have to go and look at Pastel Cowboy. Plus, I have the new book of the Hercules III series to work on and that needs to be done, too.

 

Or, I can just forget the whole mess and wait for my meds to stabilize. I just don't know anymore. I'm just tired of being bipolar, it's a drag on my life and it can be dangerous to my health.

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Thorn Wilde

Thorn Wilde 26,997

Posted

I've had a lot of problems with my meds making me uncreative as well, but in the end it was mostly a question of finding the right dose. Either way you have to be willing to give your body some time to adjust. Often it really is just a question of waiting for things to stabilise. Try to be patient with yourself.

 

If you don't mind my saying, though, considering that you just detailed every way in which you could easily kill yourself, dropping the meds completely might not be a brilliant idea at the moment. Just an observation.

 

I hope things work out for you! <3

  • Like 1
DynoReads

DynoReads 1,197

Posted

How long does the doctor think it will take to adjust to the meds?  A week or two? Months? If it shouldn't take too long, then you should wait. If it will take months, it may be time to look at other medicines and see if something new is available that might work better.

 

I hope it works for you.

  • Like 1
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday 3,299

Posted

I've had a lot of problems with my meds making me uncreative as well, but in the end it was mostly a question of finding the right dose. Either way you have to be willing to give your body some time to adjust. Often it really is just a question of waiting for things to stabilise. Try to be patient with yourself.

 

If you don't mind my saying, though, considering that you just detailed every way in which you could easily kill yourself, dropping the meds completely might not be a brilliant idea at the moment. Just an observation.

 

I hope things work out for you! <3

Well, I'm definitely not going to drop all meds. I've done that before and ended up having a total breakdown, plus being put in a psych hospital for three weeks. Then there are the local opportunities for offing myself to consider. One way or another things will work out.

CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday 3,299

Posted

How long does the doctor think it will take to adjust to the meds?  A week or two? Months? If it shouldn't take too long, then you should wait. If it will take months, it may be time to look at other medicines and see if something new is available that might work better.

 

I hope it works for you.

 

The problem is I've been here before when I was triple dosing the Depakote. I convinced my old psychiatrist to allow me to drop back to a double dose so I could be more creative, but my son's been complaining I've been getting too OCD over things like spending 10 hours a day writing.

 

I want the creativity, but that means dealing with mental instability. So, maybe the new shrink can come up with a medicinal combination that will give me what I want without causing too much mental dulling. I've got this Remembering Tim project and I'm going to have to write at least two new chapters, probably more and will need as much creativity as I can muster.

glitteryantlers

glitteryantlers 3,077

Posted

I hope you get better soon. Give the meds a little time to kick in!

I have my relatively new kind of med since 4 years now. It was really weird after all the others. I felt kind of numb, but after a while I felt only stable, but it was definitely me. The ups and downs were there but not so high and not so low. Not like with the others before, that I felt like I'm seeing myself from above or my personality has changed ecause of them.

  • Like 1
CarlHoliday

CarlHoliday 3,299

Posted

I hope you get better soon. Give the meds a little time to kick in!

I have my relatively new kind of med since 4 years now. It was really weird after all the others. I felt kind of numb, but after a while I felt only stable, but it was definitely me. The ups and downs were there but not so high and not so low. Not like with the others before, that I felt like I'm seeing myself from above or my personality has changed ecause of them.

 

I was hoping my shrink was going to call today, but she didn't so I'll have to wait until next we to talk to her about what changes I can make. I'm thinking of going back to how it was two years ago when I was taking 1500 mg of depakote and 1 mg of risperidone. I was stable, but did suffer from a certain lack of creativity. My son is very definite that I go for stability because he worries when I start getting weird. So, I think that's what I'm going to ask her or tell her, whoever calls first. I have to do something because what's happening now isn't cutting it.

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