I liked how this story started. I dont think starting in 'action' is a bad thing. Characters are more interesting when you introduce them under pressure. We learn about them as we go along. I've done it recently and based on the comments it works and it worked here too.  As well i think we feel more for Reece this way.

13 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

I liked how this story started. I dont think starting in 'action' is a bad thing. Characters are more interesting when you introduce them under pressure. We learn about them as we go along. I've done it recently and based on the comments it works and it worked here too.  As well i think we feel more for Reece this way.

Thank you, tim! This is exactly the kind of input I was looking for when I asked the question   And yes, it worked really well in your newest story!

I'll try to be in and out, Renee, but my first reaction to your question about the start was this: I liked the little bit of background just before we met Josh. I found after knowing the situation, I appreciated and engaged with Josh instantly. I loved the brother-like banter and physicality between him and Reece, and his setting up of his cousin with Dave showed just how caring and cool he was. I suppose you could have done it differently, but I honestly see no need for it. It was these two together that drew me in and made me want to meet this new guy, Dave. My two cents worth  

8 minutes ago, Renee Stevens said:

Thank you, Gary! The interactions between Josh and Reece were some of my favorite things about writing this story. I could just picture them as I was writing the scenes that included both of them. Personally, I did like the beginning, and I can use the rest of the story to pace things out a bit better, if I decide to leave the beginning as is.

Okay... I just reread the first chapter, and I liked the drama. It wasn't overdone, and it felt real. You interspersed it with some important info about Reece's parents, and allowed us to be present at a watershed moment for the MC in dealing with the traditional and obligatory family dinner. Aunt Leslie was fleshed out rather quickly and believably, and served her purpose well... nothing was jarring or out of place and it unfolded with the right amount of tension, in my opinion. I loved hearing Alice speak out to Aunt Leslie as they walked out the door. It showed perfectly that the cousins were disgusted. 

If I was editing, I might recommend one tiny change. Since you have this line... “What?!”  My aunt started spluttering next to me.  “You can’t leave. You have to stay for dinner.”

I might change this line that follows shortly after... “What? Where do you think you’re going?  You can’t leave!”   ... I don't know if you want such input, and I apologize if you didn't... it's such a picky thing, but maybe if you changed "What" to something like... -Seriously- or - You can't be serious-  just a tiny suggestion to make it less repetitive... Otherwise, I thought the dialogue flawless ... I give the first chapter a 5  

I read the story again, just to be sure I remembered everything. I'll try to reply to your questions.

1) My favorite scenes are the ones where Reece stands up to his family and tells them the truth they need to hear. Not for their sake, since they are probably beyond reason, but for his own sake.

2) It was a little strange that Reece didn't say goodbye to his landlord, only to Jeff. They seemed to have a good relationship, with Reece helping out and Jeff's father not raising the rent for the apartment. Even if he was in a hurry to get to Dave's place, he might have said something about paying a visit later, before Jeff and his dad left, or something.

3) The starting point was fine, but I'd like to know some more background as we go along. How did the family treat Josh before this? It's hard to imagine any of them being affectionate and kind, especially his parents. Is this why Reece feels he's nothing special when Dave shows interest? Why are the cousins so cool, they must have had other strong influences in their lives, to lack the bigotry of their parents.

4) I'd like to hear more about the cousins telling their parents to get into the 20th century, not to mention the 21st.   I could imagine Josh' parents perhaps being less stupid than the rest (unless his dad was the 'favorite uncle'), since he seems basically a good guy and the role model for the cousins. I don't expect the older generation to 'accept' Reece, but perhaps they'd be delighted to pick on Leslie or Reece's mom, just because they get annoyed with them too.

5) Perhaps the only thing I felt was a little too much, was how scared Reece was about meeting Dave's parents. I can understand him being nervous, but he's petrified. But he does rally and scold himself, so that helps. In fact, I like that Dave and Reece generally talk about their issues and sort them out fairly soon, instead of agonizing forever in secret. 

I didn't mind being thrown right into the drama. Could there have been some follow up background on the family? Maybe but it wasn't so distracting for me. I was mostly pissed at them anyway. 

I remember being worried that Dave and Reece were moving too fast, but I loved the times they spent together. We learnt a lot about Dave as a person through these interactions with Reece. He was open honest and made it so that Reece opened up. Some favourite times were when Reece cooked for Dave for the first time, when Dave had to kill the spider and he didn't laugh at Reece, when Dave asked Reece to move in. Also when Reece let his mother know where to go, I was so happy he finally did that. 

I liked the dialogue too, the interactions felt very real. It is a great story Renee! 

6 hours ago, Headstall said:

Okay... I just reread the first chapter, and I liked the drama. It wasn't overdone, and it felt real. You interspersed it with some important info about Reece's parents, and allowed us to be present at a watershed moment for the MC in dealing with the traditional and obligatory family dinner. Aunt Leslie was fleshed out rather quickly and believably, and served her purpose well... nothing was jarring or out of place and it unfolded with the right amount of tension, in my opinion. I loved hearing Alice speak out to Aunt Leslie as they walked out the door. It showed perfectly that the cousins were disgusted. 

If I was editing, I might recommend one tiny change. Since you have this line... “What?!”  My aunt started spluttering next to me.  “You can’t leave. You have to stay for dinner.”

I might change this line that follows shortly after... “What? Where do you think you’re going?  You can’t leave!”   ... I don't know if you want such input, and I apologize if you didn't... it's such a picky thing, but maybe if you changed "What" to something like... -Seriously- or - You can't be serious-  just a tiny suggestion to make it less repetitive... Otherwise, I thought the dialogue flawless ... I give the first chapter a 5  

Thank you, Gary. I do think that specific scene will pretty much stay as is, outside of editing, especially since everyone seems to like that scene so well. 

The echoes are something that I need to watch throughout the story, and I hadn't even realized that one was there.

Thank you!

4 hours ago, Timothy M. said:

I read the story again, just to be sure I remembered everything. I'll try to reply to your questions.

1) My favorite scenes are the ones where Reece stands up to his family and tells them the truth they need to hear. Not for their sake, since they are probably beyond reason, but for his own sake.

2) It was a little strange that Reece didn't say goodbye to his landlord, only to Jeff. They seemed to have a good relationship, with Reece helping out and Jeff's father not raising the rent for the apartment. Even if he was in a hurry to get to Dave's place, he might have said something about paying a visit later, before Jeff and his dad left, or something.

3) The starting point was fine, but I'd like to know some more background as we go along. How did the family treat Josh before this? It's hard to imagine any of them being affectionate and kind, especially his parents. Is this why Reece feels he's nothing special when Dave shows interest? Why are the cousins so cool, they must have had other strong influences in their lives, to lack the bigotry of their parents.

4) I'd like to hear more about the cousins telling their parents to get into the 20th century, not to mention the 21st.   I could imagine Josh' parents perhaps being less stupid than the rest (unless his dad was the 'favorite uncle'), since he seems basically a good guy and the role model for the cousins. I don't expect the older generation to 'accept' Reece, but perhaps they'd be delighted to pick on Leslie or Reece's mom, just because they get annoyed with them too.

5) Perhaps the only thing I felt was a little too much, was how scared Reece was about meeting Dave's parents. I can understand him being nervous, but he's petrified. But he does rally and scold himself, so that helps. In fact, I like that Dave and Reece generally talk about their issues and sort them out fairly soon, instead of agonizing forever in secret. 

 

I love the scenes where Reece has just had enough. He needed to finally say that enough was enough.

I'm glad you mentioned the landlord thing as you're right. His landlord had been good to him and there should be something there where he goes or sees him. I'll make note of that!

You make another good point about the cousins and their acceptance, as well as about earlier behavior.  Those two are gonna require some thought.

I could possibly tone down the fear, but I don't want to diminish it too much, because if his own family. I'll have to do some digging there and see what I come up with.

Thanks, Tim!

1 hour ago, Defiance19 said:

I didn't mind being thrown right into the drama. Could there have been some follow up background on the family? Maybe but it wasn't so distracting for me. I was mostly pissed at them anyway. 

I remember being worried that Dave and Reece were moving too fast, but I loved the times they spent together. We learnt a lot about Dave as a person through these interactions with Reece. He was open honest and made it so that Reece opened up. Some favourite times were when Reece cooked for Dave for the first time, when Dave had to kill the spider and he didn't laugh at Reece, when Dave asked Reece to move in. Also when Reece let his mother know where to go, I was so happy he finally did that. 

I liked the dialogue too, the interactions felt very real. It is a great story Renee! 

 

 

Thank you, Def!

First of, the spider scene is my absolute favorite. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have a Dave around when it happened to me.

I agree with you on them moving too fast. one of the things that is goingnto be paramount in the rewrite is slowing things down. I want to add more scenes both of the together and apart so that we can see interaction with other characters. That would help to ad in some background information too. Just have to be careful not to do an info dump!

I'm glad you enjoyed the story,and I'm hoping that the rewrite will be even better.

4 hours ago, Renee Stevens said:

I agree with you on them moving too fast. one of the things that is going to be paramount in the rewrite is slowing things down. I want to add more scenes both of the together and apart so that we can see interaction with other characters. That would help to ad in some background information too. Just have to be careful not to do an info dump!

Interesting, I didn't think they were proceeding too fast, and I liked the way Reece considered the issue before sex, the L word, moving in with Dave, meeting the parents etc. At times he held back, but mostly he acted on what felt right, and to me that was completely natural.

However, I'm certainly not against a longer time span, where we get more of their dates, some background on their work / studies, more insight in their interests and how well they fit together, and most of all more months where he is snubbing the family dinners and his parents. One thing I suddenly realize was missing was Dave introducing Reece to his friends, since surely he has some other than Josh. We know Reece doesn't have any, which is slightly odd, since I assume he's only had to work and study online since he came out? On the other hand I totally get the shyness and being socially inept and preferring books to people.   And being in the closet was probably a barrier too.

8 hours ago, Timothy M. said:

 

Interesting, I didn't think they were proceeding too fast, and I liked the way Reece considered the issue before sex, the L word, moving in with Dave, meeting the parents etc. At times he held back, but mostly he acted on what felt right, and to me that was completely natural.

However, I'm certainly not against a longer time span, where we get more of their dates, some background on their work / studies, more insight in their interests and how well they fit together, and most of all more months where he is snubbing the family dinners and his parents. One thing I suddenly realize was missing was Dave introducing Reece to his friends, since surely he has some other than Josh. We know Reece doesn't have any, which is slightly odd, since I assume he's only had to work and study online since he came out? On the other hand I totally get the shyness and being socially inept and preferring books to people.   And being in the closet was probably a barrier too.

Oh nice! You're right about Dave needing to introduce Reece to a few people. See, that's why I asked questions, because I couldn't think of what was missing. So now I know another scene that needs added!!!!