Love, we all believe in it and hope one day to find it. While growing up we will learn many different types of love, from your family, the love of a friend and of course the love someone special gives you. In stories we are told that one day you will find the one and all will begin to fall into place, as if there really is just one person that will come sweep you off your feet? This often leading you to believe that out there only one person will ever love you fully.
So why is it when we are single you see yourself differently? Why must we be down on ourselves because we have not found love? Throughout life many people will come and go, while at times we may think what we have found is true love. So really how do you know you’re in love?
In my opinion there can be levels of love you feel for another, each one for a different reason. I had a friend once tell me they felt each man she had loved helped to prepare her for the one she ended up with. This made me think back too the different men that I had felt there had been some kind of love with. Before I wrote about someone called X, although that was somewhat more of a friendship there was still some else more. I’m not sure I would say I was in love, but there was love between us. We went through a lot together so what it grew to steamed from a kind of love. It made me think of the time of life and the events we were both facing. There had been a lot of ups and downs for us both so when we were there to pick up the pieces it created a love.
With your friends you do love them and then if sex is involved it changes the entire game. Now why is it when it comes to love we see it as a game, the game of love? I often wondered was that because we seldom won and when you lost it was a gamble? With X it always felt as if it were a game, usually he held all the cards and never allowed me to roll the dice. So in all honestly this could only be considered as a love of a very close friend, one you had sex with. Even if you both did have feeling for each other and felt a strong connection you may not be in love, but who’s to say with X any ways. The way we depended on each other or how often we had sex made you believe it was more than just a friendship. I knew I did love him and from his actions I knew he loved me as well, but that love wasn’t strong enough to hold us together.
When it comes to dating bi-curious men most times it’s just for the fun, yet there are times your feelings truly do get involved. Each man is different some just look for the thrill of the experience, but there are a few that also are looking for a little more. There was this guy I dated we will just call SI, he was a very sweet man, but also on the down low. For him though it was more of the fact he was still figuring himself out, along with trying to see if he preferred men over women, since he was bisexual. When we first met no one knew about him yet, he was still unsure himself, although from the first day we hung out we both felt this connection to each other we had never felt before.
There was something different about SI not only was he a little more open about his sexuality, he was also more open about me. We began to hang out quite often and let me tell you the man knew how to take you out. Every date was more exciting than the last and each time he grew more comfortable with the possibility of settling with a man. SI wasn’t afraid to meet my friends, plus when we were out he made sure people knew we were together. When you finally found a man that was excited to show the world you were together you did all you could to keep him happy. Together SI and I made sure we both were happy, it was as if we had found the one, the one you thought may never come.
Each time we went out the connection between us grew stronger and the sex was probably some of the best I’d ever had. This was turning into a real relationship and I was nothing but excited for the outcome. Of course life never allows you to be truly happy because soon SI had some family stuff to take care of and he left New York for a while. We wanted to wait for each other only he felt that was unfair to me so we took a break. The promise was once he returned we would pick up right where we left off, let’s hope right?
Dating men in general can be very confusing most men find it hard to express the smallest of emotion. There had been this guy that I call Man, Man was the type of guy that showed you all of the romance and made sure to share his feeling with you. When we first started dating I felt everything was going in the right direction, not only did he make sure to plan nice dates, he also did all he could to make you know he was interested in you. He said the right words and had a way of making you feel as the most important person in the world.
The thing that was different about Man was that he began to use the word love very early on, in fact he made sure we both did, for a bi-curious man that was a first. It was nice finding someone that wanted this as much as I did and as the months past he only made sure to make me fall for him more. So was this really love, or were we just in love with the idea of it? Either way he was the first and only man that I had ever met who rushed a relationship to the level we ended up on. I always assumed he was just a romantic or even someone that just really wanted a relationship then you wonder if it could have been love at sight?
The love with Man was a forced love, one he craved for his own satisfaction and in the end he did make me fall for him. This love was not the same has I had felt for SI, shit even X. Every person will bring a certain love to you, some may be for good reasons while others may be to help you grow. In a way I guess to teach us what true love really is. The way I see it each guy you date and fall for may not be the one, or even anything more than a friend, but there is love there. We are human we want affection and in all honesty we can’t control who gets into our hearts or who we may care for.
Something we all forget to do when thinking back at the lost loves of our lives is think what was it that they actually provided for you? The first thing we think about is why they left and could I have done anything different? Next is always how are they now and what are they doing? The third thing always is the I miss them and thinking what the future could have been like with them. We all do it and trust me I know I have many times, its like we need to have some sort of fantasy in our minds that we need to hold on too a little longer. I often felt we do this to ourselves only because of the fact that they got away from us. Friends always used to say your heart will always want what it can’t have, so does that mean our hearts don’t understand love?
Love can be a strange thing one that is hard to let go even when there is nothing left between you and the other person. Whether you are dating a bi-curious man or not you can’t be too sure as to what you are really feeling. Take this other bi-curious man I was seeing for a while it was this guy I’ll call FL for first love. Now this story I have yet to tell and chances are I may never, but one thing I will talk about is the love we had for each other. This was one of those secret relationships you have in high school, you know the kind where you feel you need to hide your true feelings since someone was still in the closet. I was out back then already and sadly to this day I’m sure he still hasn’t told anyone.
We had a thing that started when we were both young, you know that curious time where you had to be sure as to what you really wanted. Now as we both grew up the feelings we had grew as well, making it harder to say goodbye to each other when we both had to go our separate ways. The first love is always one that really makes you think back and remember the happiness it brought you.
So dating bi-curious men can always be fun but the times that love gets involved it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing. Look at the men I spoke about each one gave me a certain type of love and helped me grow to be where I am now. X showed me that love between two good friends could lead to more which sometimes can be the one thing you needed. People say a good relationship can come from a good friendship. Even though X and I didn’t last long it helped me to accept the fact that friends can fall in love.
Then look at SI the one man that showed me love from a DL man can still be about romance. The love we had helped us both to only seek something that would truly satisfy you, in fact his love made me realize I was worth it. SI only wanted to keep me happy and make sure I needed for nothing. The love we had was something true, a love you often don’t find, but it gave me hope and sometimes that is all you have.
Man was the love that was on the border of lust. The kind that was more of a sexual love that made you appreciate a man that wanted to please you and make you feel beyond good. Although this love wasn’t anything to really think about or long for it still showed you a man can love you and give you the kind of sex you only hear about. With Man I will always look back at the little love and the amazing sex we had together. So it in a way it was the love of sex and passion we had for each other.
FL’s love is the one that will always leave you searching and looking for another love. In all reality this is the love that makes you crave something so much more. If you really think about it the first love is always the one that leaves you wanting more while being happy you were able to love at all. Most first loves will never last but it leaves you happy that someone gave you that love you were unsure you would ever find.
Love can be a funny thing and at times we find ourselves doing any and everything to keep it. So what happens when you think you have found the one, but you may not be the one for them???