Secrets, we all have them and for some reason we feel obligated to keep them. Even after the friendship has ended or the trust has been broken. I guess we always hold on to that little hope that we may go back to what once was. With friends we often hold all their secrets as they hold ours, only what happens if you become the secret? What if you are now the thing they must be kept hidden? At times we never stop and think about that, its always the secrets we hold. What of the other person? So ask yourself this, have I ever been the secret?
While dealing with down low or bi-curious men you are often one of their biggest secrets. During the time when we are trying to figure out our sexuality you never let that question cross your mind, it is as if you really don’t mind. When we get older and begin to really date someone you start to wonder what this relationship really is then you may come up with a different relationship in your mind. Sometimes we think if we put it out there it will happen, you know the whole positive energy thing. Only how far can that really take it?
Men for some reason find it much harder to accept that they may be gay or bisexual which leads to them creating these secrets. So trust me when I say I have been that secret more than I can count, yet three men stick out in my head more. Now it wasn’t because of the fact I was a secret more or less the reason why I had to be one.
First one that came to mind is the guy I knew I just call Hairy, why you ask, because he was extremely hairy. He was one of those very sweet and caring men, the guy you knew would make the perfect boyfriend. Now we had been friends for a while and honestly I had been there for him during some crazy times when it came to his family or girlfriend. What can I say I always try to be a great friend for everyone, maybe I shouldn’t have?
After a few weeks of helping Hairy out with his crazy family and his annoying girlfriend he decided to take me out for a nice dinner. Of course he stated it was a thank you meal and I believed him. It turned out being a fun night, not to mention a fancy restaurant in midtown. Sometimes I wondered about him and is preference when it came to dating, I mean he always joked about dating me. So after this first dinner he made it a point to take me out at least twice a week for about a month. Then the early morning text messages began and the phone calls just to check in. For the most part I feel into this and allowed him to slowly make me the man he secretly went out with.
One night after dinner Hairy drove me home and as we sat in his car he finally made a move. He kissed me and after all we had been through I couldn’t fight back. We sat there for a good ten minutes lips locked while our hands searched the other’s body. Finally he stopped and that was when he came clean and told me what he was wanting this to be. Apparently he had been trying to figure out a way to not only sleep with me, but to create a special relationship between us. He liked men and only dated women because of his family. You see he came from a very wealthy background and in order for him to get his inheritance he had to marry a women and have at least one child. For years he had kept the same girl around to hopefully get his money. He promised me that once he had he would buy an apartment, a place for us, he would make me his boyfriend, although he would marry the girl, and we would spend as much time together as we could. He told me that I was the man he wanted to spend as much of his life as he could with and that he would be able to leave the wife once he had everything.
Don’t get me wrong it was tempting and it was nice to meet a man that was welling to jump through hoops for you. Only this wouldn’t be a real relationship as long as I was to remain the secret it would never be anything real. He would keep me in the shadows and still live the life he felt he was supposed to in public, how great is that? I mean really how many lies must you create just to get everything you wanted? Not just that what about the wife and kid? Being a man’s secret lover was one thing, but to be pulled into a while secret life and potentially family made this secret one that could really hurt a lot of people. I may have gotten myself into some crazy situations before only this is too TV movie even for me.
So Hairy was welling to have a secret man for the rest of his life, he was okay with lying to the world only to get what he truly wanted, money. Really how important is money or acceptance from people that wouldn’t love you for you? If you are okay with setting someone else up only to be left alone in the dark how could I be sure it wouldn’t be me in the end he threw out like the trash?
Hairy was a nice guy and all, but I was about to create a whole life that could only destroy someone else’s. I said no and that was when I saw the true man behind him. First came the fighting then the threatening if I told anyone. Second was the mean and nasty comments about me, he trying to put me down as much as he could. Third was he begging me to change my mind and promising me more then he could probably offer. Lastly came Hairy blaming me saying I made him think he was gay and I was crazy. All I could say was bye and that was the end of him.
The next guy was this man I call V. Now V was your sexy, well off New York business man, the kind of man you saw on TV and the movies. He had that sexy tatted up body, which he kept hidden under his expensive suits, and the personality that you dreamed of, not to mention we had some amazing sex. He was that type of guy you heard stories about so when he made the move on you, you knew you had to have him. So when he told me I was someone he wanted I couldn’t say no. I know, I know this wasn’t the best thing to do.
V and I create a secret relationship, one that went on for a few years. Now he wasn’t as available as I would like, but he made sure to talk to me every day, it was as if he understood how to make this work. On days I felt alone I would randomly receive a gift from him. Then when he knew he wouldn’t be able to see me when I needed he made sure to plan the best date I had ever gone on for the following weekend. He did more than just impress me, V made sure I would never consider leaving him. In all reality this could have been the perfect relationship, one where you could see yourself settling down together.
He was one of those successful men that always had a certain front people knew him by. Everyone saw him has this macho, athletic, woman’s man, kind of guy. I heard the stories of all the girls he had before and all of the girls that threw themselves at him. V was the man that every guy looked up too, the guy they all wanted to be friends with. It was as if every time he came into a room people demanded he know them so they could say they were friends. I guess I could honestly say V had the perfect life, the girl to show off, a great job, people that wanted him or wanted to be him, and now a man on the side. So just because you had this persona people saw do you really have to live up to it?
Why is that? Why must people worry so much what others think or say that they would actually live a lie? So you would rather be unhappy and drag other people down with you? I guess the real problem was why was I welling to fall into this mess and allow him to use me when he needed. The thing was he knew how to keep me happy and what I needed to feel this was real, sadly it would never be what I wanted or needed it to be. Some people may be okay with actually being nothing to a person, besides a person to fulfill a fantasy with. At this time I really didn’t think I could handle that anymore. I’m not sure if he ever sought out another man for his secret boyfriend all I knew was it couldn’t be me.
The last guy I actually didn’t understand the reasoning behind him wanting to even keep our friendship a secret. I’m just going to call him L, so L and I had known each other for a few years. He recently was going through a divorce and had been taking it pretty bad. Only that didn’t stop him from his dating a few different girls, or so he told people. One day he was upset about a girl he was trying to date, or should I support.
Apparently they had gone out on two dates which meant dinner and shopping of course he paid for everything. So when she decided she wasn’t feeling him he came crawling to me for support. It’s funny how these guys always saw me as that shoulder to cry on.
Since I was being the good friend I decided to take L out for some drinks and let him get everything off his chest. So after at least three drinks L was more than ready to open up and let me tell you the things he shared with me were very surprising. He ended up coming back to my place where he continued to complain about his life and how much he hated everything in it. Soon he went on to say how important my friendship had become to him and he was thankful for me. So when he asked to spend the night and if I would hold him until he feel asleep I said yes.
After that night L started coming over a lot more and he was calling me every day, multiple times in fact. I was starting to look forward to our conversations and we actually had fun going out. The funny part for me was that even though we were just friends L kept me a secret. None of his friends knew about me and I was never invited out, unless it were just he and I. I did invite him out when I had something going on and all he would say was it would be better if people didn’t know, didn’t know what? Maybe he was one of those guys that didn’t want people to know he was friends with a gay man or the fact that we cuddled at least one night a week.
Our friendship went on for a few more weeks and then things changed. One night L and I had gone out for a few drinks. When we got back to my place was when we moved into the physical side. To my surprise the next morning he woke me up kissing me, in fact we had sex again a couple of times. So much for him being straight, then again maybe he was just curious? Now was when L and I became more like boyfriends, he started calling me babe and made it very clear I could not see any other men. Whenever we hung out we would have sex, and of course he did all he could to keep me in the background of his life.
L was actually treating me pretty good for this being a secret relationship, he knew how to be an amazing boyfriend. I wasn’t sure as to why I had to be this big secret, okay maybe now that we were sexual I could see why. Then I look back to when we were just friends and wondered why I had to be hidden then. My guess was that he must have had feelings for me before and wasn’t sure how to react. Or maybe he just needed someone and had nowhere else to turn, since I was a good friend he let something more happen with me. Yet that still didn’t answer as to why he wanted to keep our friendship a secret.
The secret relationship L and I had created went on for only another month or so. Finally I worked up the nerve to ask him why he never wanted people to know he and I were friends. Then I asked why he allowed our friendship to change into a relationship. The last question I asked was if he really saw something serious with me or if this was just his way to fulfill a fantasy he always had. Sadly L provided me no answers, he became angry that I would even consider this anything real. Although he did say he never wanted any of his friends to know he was gay. He left and to this day we have yet to talk about what really went on between us. All I know is he blocked me and I did try to reach out to him once just to check in, which I never got any responses back.
Three different men that chose to keep me a secret in their life, all for very different reasons. Hairy, was gay and only wanted to make sure he got his family money. V, bisexual that wanted to have it all. Then L a gay man so afraid to admit he was that he would do all he could to remain straight. So in a sense looking from the outside in you would think these were just your everyday bi-curious men that wanted to enjoy the company of another man, only we don’t stop to think what secrets they are truly hiding?
We all have secrets, but how far would you go to keep one? Some men decide to stay on the down low and fulfill that urge once in a while, then you have a few that want a secret relationship with a man. So let me ask you this, what do you think would happen if their were actual feelings involved? What if someone feel in love?